Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2005 20:26:06 -0500
From: Damien Seul <damien_seul@hotmail.com>
Subject: Damien's Journal pt 4

Disclaimer: This story will eventually be about the relationship between
two gay teenaged boys. In the beginning there will be limited, if any,
sexual scenes.  These will depict sexual acts between two consenting
teenaged males. While the story contains a base in reality, elements have
been added for dramatic purposes. The names have been changed but the
events are mostly true. If it is illegal to view such material in your
area, please leave now.

Nifty;'Damien's Journal #4'{Damien Seul}( BB real teen2 slow )[4!?]

Previously:

	I went straight up to my room, completely pissed off. Figuring that
I should take some time to cool off, I put on some music and just layed
there in the dark. I couldn't have made a worse mistake.


Damien's Journal
(c) 2005 Damien Seul

	My music of choice just happened to be all of my usual depressing
songs.  This caused me to spiral down into such a hole of sadness that I
started crying. I went to Autumn's door, not knowing that she wasn't in
there and gave her bedroom door this big long speech. I then ran downstairs
and saw that she was in the kitchen. Feeling like a complete dumbass, I
gave the condensed version of the same speech. This consisted of how
worthless I must really be and that I would be going for a drive somewhere
and probably not coming back in one piece. I then ran for our back door.

	Holding the door shut, she tried talking me out of it but I was too
far gone to listen. I ran back into the kitchen and took out a knife. She
ran over to me, crying, telling me how much she loved me and how I couldn't
do this. I dropped the knife and started crying. I then went to our couch
and layed on it, bawling my eyes out and talking about how he must not like
me at all, even as a friend.  Soon after, she called Aaron up and told him
what had happened. The phone was forced to my ear as I hear his very
concerned, yet slightly aggitated, voice, it was about 9:15pm now.

	He began telling me about he will ALWAYS be my friend. That he may
not like me as more than that, but he could never stop being friends with
me.  Normally, I'd be telling him all of my reasonings as to why I thought
he wasn't truly my friend, but considering that I was very unstable,
emotionally, I couldn't bring myself to say any of them. I then broke down
crying and gave the phone back to Autumn. I fell asleep there on the couch
and woke up the next morning in a slightly better mood.

	The next few days were all a blur and the next thing I knew, I was
sitting in my living room having a wonderful conversation with him over our
friendship and hard times and anything that we wanted. I found out his true
reason for always backing out of the sleepover invitations. He never came
right out and said it so I finally had to just ask him.

	"Are you afraid that I'd try something during the night?"

	I could tell that it completely threw him off guard. He basically
told me that he was a little afraid that something would happen that would
destroy our friendship.  Am I just so hot that people are afraid that
they'll fall for me too easily?  Hehehe, but seriously, I was very hurt
that he could even begin to think that I would try to do something like
that to him during the night. I guess maybe he thought that he wouldn't be
able to say no to me if I did. It's impossible for me to make a close
friend of mine do something they don't want to. Especially something like
this!

	Overall, I think that was one of the best days of my
life. Unfortunetly, our talk was cut short when Autumn came home with our
friend Ted. Aaron and I wrapped up our conversation with the promise that I
wouldn't let myself get all built up like that again. We agreed to talk
again if there was anything that I had a problem with.

	Over the next few weeks, we rehearsed, built our set for the play,
rehearsed, worked on the set, and finally the night before we opened, they
put the finishing touches on it. By this time I had asked him for another
time to talk because there were a lot of things that I was a little
confused about. For example, our friend Sydny can make almost any joke with
him, sexually, and he'll play along with it, or she'll hug and cuddle with
him and he'll let her. But then if I do something like that, he'll either
not hear me, ignore me, or respond very negatively to me. I'm the kind of
person who judges the level of their friendship with another person by how
that person acts with other friends compared to how they act to myself.

	He told me that he could barely find time for himself, let alone
time to talk to me about these things until after the play. I took a little
offense to it but moved on and planned on asking him again later, after the
play. We ran the play; it had it's ups and downs.

	Finally, it was our cast party. We all walked in the woods, we
played Spin the Bottle, and I got to kiss him again. Just the way I
remembered it, so nice... By this time I considered myself over him for the
most part. I now relish in the satisfaction that one day he's going to
realize what he could have had with me, how he threw it all away, and he
might come back to me and tell me. And hopefully, by then, I'll be
completely over him and will have no problem in turning him down.

	Tomorrow marks the first day I'll see him after the running of our
play.  I'll have to ask him if he can find time now. I guess I'll find more
answers tomorrow.  Until tomorrow, journal, I'll wonder and maybe dream
about what could have been.

Damien


Author's Note:

This chapter covers about a month's worth of happenings. It's amazing how
fast time can fly when you're busy. For those of you looking for a very
romantic love story dealing with two teenaged boys who love each other,
it's not there yet. Life doesn't always work out and so this story could go
either way. Thanks for the few e-mails I received after chapter 3.  Keep
'em coming. I'll be updating as soon as I have enough to be considered a
full chapter.