Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2000 14:36:59 PDT
From: da Beagle <dabeagleywing@hotmail.com>
Subject: Dear Diary..., High School

					Dear Diary...

December 25, 1994
Well this is my first entry. My mom gave this to me and she seems to think
it's a good thing for me to have and tells me I should write in it daily,
that I will appreciate it later in life. What the hell do I write though? I
think she just wants a record of my thoughts laying around, RIGHT MOM?

December 26, 1994
Things went to hell quickly today, and maybe writing will help me deal with
this. I am 15 at this writing, and I think I am gay. My best friend Nick and
I have been experimenting a little bit, but does that make us gay? Or just
curious? I'm not sure. I like to see him with just his underwear on, and
touching him is like holding a live electric wire. But the biggest thrill is
when he touches me! I feel as though I will float away never to return,
never to be beholden to the earth and it's rules!
Nick's grandpa walked in on us kissing today. Not a deep kiss, no tongue,
but he flipped. He started yelling in Italian and I left quickly. Nick just
called and said we shouldn't be around each other anymore. I don't think I
am in love, but this hurts so much! What else could it be? Am I too young to
really understand just what love is and what power it has? These questions
rule my mind and I feel so miserable, I wish I could just go to sleep and
not wake up, that all this pain and confusion would go away.
Time for dinner.

December 27, 1994
Its early morning, 2:30 to be exact, and my parents are at it again. They
fight almost constantly and it seems as thought there is never any peace
when they are together. I have heard my dad out in the backyard talking to
the guys in the neighborhood that play basketball in the alley behind our
house.
That is a great spot, see it was paved over by my dad so we could have a
real place to play hoop, and almost everyone within a ten block radius comes
over to play, kids from school, guys from the public school that live around
here, almost everyone. Those old enough to drive will cruise the end streets
looking down the alley to see if a game is going on. When I go out to shoot
foul shots the guy on the next block up hears the ball through his bedroom
window and comes down almost straight away. There are a lot of rumors about
him being gay, I wonder if I should talk to him? What am I saying, I'm not
gay!
Something just broke in the living room. Oh, Like I was going to say I heard
my dad talking to people out in the alley about the stuff my mom says. He
says she accuses him of sleeping with every woman he meets, that he has been
cheating for years. He says it's driving him crazy. Mom is strange
sometimes, but would she just make that stuff up? I mean she does say that,
I've heard it through the walls late at night when they fight. She is always
nagging him, why don't they just stop!
My little brother, Drew sleeps in the bed across from me, oblivious to the
storm in the living room. How I envy him right now!
The door just slammed, someone left. I can hear my mother crying in the
living room, then her steps as she goes to her room. I won't go in there,
she'll just start telling me how bad my father is, and then completely
change her tune and start telling me how good he is.
I love my folks, and my dad IS really good, he does everything with me. He
taught me how to play basketball, he always takes the guys who can't play on
his team, he never let's me get away with cheap fouls, he is always there to
push me to the next level. He started me on weights a few weeks ago, said
some weight would help me not to get bumped around while in the paint.
Going to bed.

December 28, 1994
Dad never came home today. Mom has been calling all of her relatives, crying
all day. Dad had the day off, he works for a local fishery. He works hard to
put my brother and I through parochial school. He pays all the bills cause
my mom doesn't work. I hope he is ok.
I tried to call Nick, but he hung up on me as soon as he hears my voice. Why
is he doing this? That isn't even the worst part, with the snow down now and
everything sheeted in ice, someone threw an ice ball through our stained
glass front window. My mom went out on the porch to see who did it and some
kids were retreating down the street cat calling to her that her son is a
queer, kick him out now.
Nick. He must have said something to someone, he was probably in the group.
Maybe even the one that threw the ice. This isn't fair! What have I done
that was so wrong? Caring for someone, is that such a bad thing? I helped
mom to put up cardboard and plastic over the hole in the glass, then we made
hot cocoa and went to bed. But I can't sleep. Drew asked me what it means to
be queer, and was I one? How do you answer that one? I don't even know what
my feelings are, except that I am soo miserable and I feel utterly alone. My
parents are so wrapped up in their problems that mine have disappeared, in
fact they seem to have forgotten that Drew or I even existed. God, please
take me, NOW! Away from this pain. How long do I have to do this?

December 29, 1994
I'm not going back to school. I can't take it now when I'm not around people
all the time, I can't imagine what it would feel like being at their mercy
five days a week.
I just got back from the supermarket. I got jumped on the bike trail while
out trying to process my thoughts, kids calling me fag boy and butt ranger
kicking and punching me. Most of the bruises are hidden, but I can't take it
anymore. I tried to talk to my mother, but dad has been gone three days now
and she can think of nothing else.
With her so distracted I was able to sneak a bottle of vodka and some pain
pills the doctor gave her after the surgery on her back. Supposed to be good
stuff. I won't be stupid, though. I'll do this right. Drew is staying at a
friend's house tomorrow night, and I will take two pills with each shot,
then wait a few minutes before continuing. Then it will all be over. Funny I
feel almost happy that I won't have to deal anymore. Should I leave a note
to explain anything, or will anyone even care? Nah, no one will care anyway,
fuck it.

December 30, 1994
My plan has been delayed, goddamn it all. The biggest storm in three years
just blanketed us and the roads were too slippery for Drew's ride, so he
won't go till tomorrow. No word from dad yet, mom went to bed after lunch
and hasn't come out. She gave me money to order pizza for Drew and I. She
probably sees that I am gay, huh? Moms have that little sixth sense, don't
they? She is probably so ashamed of me that she won't even come out till I
have to go back to school, plus dad seems to have left for good. I can't
believe this! One more night, once more and.....Jesus, why does this have to
be so hard? Who cares whom I care about? Why is it a personal affront to
them who I lust over, or if I want to date the captain of the football team,
what right do they have? People at my school teach us that it's wrong in
God's eyes, that homosexuality is why the city of Sodom was destroyed in
biblical times. How can God hate one of his creations? I never had a choice
in what I felt, why should even he judge me for something beyond my control,
much less for trying to control something like this? In the military you get
a medal for killing people, commendations and all sorts of glory. But as a
civilian you get vilified because you have orgasms over the same sex?
Orgasms are hardly the worst thing in the world, especially when compared to
, say, Agent Orange? Fuck it, life isn't worth it.

December 31, 1994
The police called this morning to have my mother identify a body. It was my
father, shot himself to death. He....Oh, lord, he...put a nine millimeter in
his mouth and......he blew off the back of his head. I will never get to say
good bye to him, I will never get another good night hug, never get yelled
at for a poorly thought out shot, never lift weights again with him. I will
never get to do anything with him again. I am so angry with him, how could
he? He left us all behind to deal with a life that no longer has a major
component to it. I feel as though a piece of me has died, and I was thinking
of killing myself?
Drew cried himself to sleep in my arms tonight, he needed his big brother.
What if I had succeeded last night? My mother is going out of her mind, what
kind of shape would she be in with both of us gone? I can only shake my head
as I think about what I almost did, not just to myself but to the people
that I love as well.
My uncle was over this evening and told me that my father was shaking up
with some girl and that I should get my name changed to my mother's maiden
name. No one wants the name of an adulterer. I told him he could wish in one
hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first. Bastard.

January 3, 1995
We buried my father today. They did a real good job making him look ok. It
was closed casket, but I saw him before the viewing. I will never, ever
forget you dad. I wish you were still here with me so I could hug you and
tell you how much I love you. You don't know how much I would like for you
to tell me how proud you are of me. I will be strong for you, dad. I
promise.
Nick was at the funeral. He told me how sorry he was about my dad, and about
everything that had happened. He talked to his mom and told her what
happened with his grandpa, and told her what his feelings for me were. He
had feelings for me! He told me he would stick by me at school, no matter
what. He also admitted to being the one behind the shit that happened
recently, and said he would talk to my mom after everything settled down.
Then he kissed me, in front of everyone! I felt confused, how could I feel
so good with my father dead at the other end of the room? Nick stayed with
me the whole day, and many people, in fact some of those that had taken
their fists to me, showed up and expressed their apologies. It felt good to
have my hand held.

January 1, 2000
Wow, I can't believe this little diary made it so far. I cried all over
again as I remember the hardest week of my life, and rereading my thoughts
at the time still brings the memory to the front of my mind as if it were
yesterday. The pain of losing someone never seems to get better, especially
when they took themselves away from you.
Nick and I didn't last, but that was ok, too. He is in the Army and still
writes sometimes. Life has not been easy, and that time was particularly
hard. I still was razzed and teased at school, but Nick did stick to his
word on that, he was always there.
I am in college now and you all should know, suicide is not the way out.
There is always something better to come after the tough times, and there
will be tough times ahead as well. This isn't a fairy tale, it's life. I
still take the occasional lump for being who I am, but in the end I emerge
stronger. And I never would have had the chance if I had shortchanged my
mother and brother. I still miss my dad, though, everyday. And I never
changed my name, dad. I had it tattooed on my back in six inch high letters
and it gave Uncle Joe a conniption fit.
I love you dad.


This story is a work of fiction, based on real events. Comments are welcome
at dabeagleywing@hotmail.com or visit my site at
http://homestead.juno.com/y-wing/asmodean.html