Date: Thu, 16 Apr 2015 20:36:35 -0400
From: JAMES HEADY <vector18@msn.com>
Subject: a Deep Love--Book 2--Chapter 12

A Deep Love
By
James

Disclaimer

This story deals with sexual as well as romantic situations between
teenaged males.  Should you be offended by such material or if you're not
of the legal age to read this type of story, then please find something
else to read.

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A Deep Love:  Book 2
Chapter 12

Chad opened the door to the security building and walked to his car.  It
was a hot day and the sun seemed to be boiling everyone and the ground as
well.  He opened the door to his car and was looking for his icebox where
he had several drinks.  He found a bottle of water and opened it, taking a
long drink, he stood there and took another, then closed the bottle.  He
then heard footsteps behind him.  He turned and saw Jennifer walking
towards him, at least he hoped that she was coming directly towards him.
He hadn't told Josh, and certainly hadn't told Michael, but for a few
months, he had liked Jennifer as a friend.  Actually, he liked her as a
friend right from the first time he had met her, but it didn't seem too
long afterward, that he was beginning to develop romantic feelings for her
as well, and now all these months later, they were stronger than he had
ever known.  Not even his first wife, the woman with whom he fathered Josh
had given him such feelings of love and need.

Chad?" Jen said coming up to him.

"Jen," he said.  "I'm glad to see you, but I thought you would be either at
work, or staying in the house since it's so hot out here today."

"Well, Michael and I will be going to lunch here in a few minutes since
it's been a while since he and I have had much mother/son time."

"I see," Chad said and smiled.  "Where do you think you and him will be
going?"

"Probably to one of the small cafes in town," she said.

"That sounds good," Chad answered.

"You can come with us if you want," she said and there was a hopeful look
coming across her face.

"I'd like to," he began.  "However, this is time for you and Michael and I
don't want to take away from that.  Also, I had an idea anyway that I
wanted to run past you."

"Oh, what is it?" she asked as a look of disappointment that began to come
across her face was now turning in to a smile.

"What are you doing tonight, or tomorrow night?" he asked.

"I don't think I'm doing anything either night," she replied.

"Well, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind going and having dinner at this
one restaurant that's close by just on the outskirts of town?" he said
hopefully.

"You mean just you and I?" she asked with even more of a hopeful tone in
her voice.

"Yeah," Chad said stepping closer to her.  "I mean, if you don't feel
comfortable with it, I can'''."

He stopped, not knowing how to continue, but immediately, she picked up the
rest of the thread.

"Just you and I sounds really good!" she said excitedly.  "I was hoping
that we could do it tonight.  I really don't have anything going on and
Michael will be having dinner with Josh, his brothers and the kids, so I
think it would work out really well."

"Okay," Chad said.  "Would you like to go around 6:00 P.M.?"

"That sounds good," she said.  "Do you want to take my car, or yours?"

"Well, I have to stop and get gas before we head to the restaurant anyway,
so we could probably take mine if you want."

"I'd like that," she said.

"Okay," he said.  "So it's set."

"Yeah, definitely!" she said and hugged him.  He hugged her back and they
stood like that longer than what they had planned.

Michael

I looked out the windows set in the front door of the house and had seen my
mom and Chad talking in the driveway.  They seemed to be planning something
and I understood from the looks they were giving one another, that it was
something that was between two people who were more than just friends.  I
saw the looks they had been giving one another over the past few months and
I knew where it was all leading, unless of course they both decided not to
act on it.  I hoped that they would act on it.  The fact that their union
and possible marriage for all practical purposes making Josh and I brothers
wasn't a concern of mine, and I didn't think, or at least I hoped that Josh
wouldn't have a problem with it either.

They hugged for longer than what two people would do who were casual
friends, then Chad left to go back in to the security building and my mom
left to return to the house so we could leave for lunch.  I then heard
footsteps coming up behind me and saw Noah and Josh.  They had a session
with one another that day and Josh and I had been switching off with Noah
meeting with me one day, then meeting with Josh the next day throughout the
week days.  This arrangement seemed to be working and over the past few
weeks, Noah was showing a huge amount of progress.  He had the hateful look
off of his face and there was a kindness and sensitivity both on his face
and in his eyes that hadn't been there before.

In the first week of he and I meeting, he was working through the attempts
to understand and come to terms with being gay, and opened about it at
least to myself as well as the other kids and to my brothers and to Josh.
He had an even harder time with talking about and coming to terms with the
physical, emotional and sexual abuse brought upon him by his father, but as
the days progressed, he seemed to be dealing with it a little better until
over the past couple of days, he could talk about some of the incidents of
sexual abuse without having a panic attack or without crying, though he
shook slightly while reciting the stories, but even that wasn't as bad as
it had been in the beginning.

"So you think I'm doing even better now?" Noah asked Josh turning towards
him and holding his hand.

"I do," Josh replied and smiled warmly at him.  "I truly think you'll be
fine and that you're doing a really good job with turning your life around
and as long as you keep everything going, you'll have a healthy and happy
life."

"Thank you Josh," Noah said, then stopped in front of me.

"Hi Noah," I said, then turned to give Josh a hug and kiss.

"Hey Michael," he said warmly.  "I'm glad to see you.  So are you still
going out to lunch with your mom?"

"Yeah," I said.  "I was just getting ready to leave right now."

"Okay," Noah responded.  "I hope you guys have a nice time."

"Thank you," I said and hugged him.  "I'm sure we will."

"Chase and I were going to be going out for lunch as well," he said once we
ended the hug.

"Okay," I said.  "And the paperwork has been signed so my dad and the
adults know?"

"Yeah," he said.  "We took care of it last night."

"Oh, I think I remember my dad telling me as I was washing dishes," I said.
"I was just so tired from everything that it just went in one ear and out
the other, but thanks for reminding me.  So I'll be going now, and you guys
have a good lunch."

"Thanks, you too," Noah said and hugged Josh and I before walking towards
Chase's room.

0000

Noah saw the sign hanging around the door knob of Chase's room.  It read:
"Had to go get a pill for my leg.  If Noah looks for me, he can come right
in and wait any place in the room he wants; anyone else please knock and
tape a note to the door letting me know that I was being searched for."

Noah opened the door and closed it, then sat down on the bed.  He
remembered the first night that he and Chase came there and what a complete
nihilistic prick he had been at dinner that night, actually for longer than
that night at dinner, for the past few years, but not ever again.  After he
had had his bad dreams later that night, and when he thought about them the
next day and as he talked about them to Michael and Josh things were coming
in to perspective for him.  He knew that even if he stopped the bullying
and gay-bashing, unless he was able to deal with the core of why he did
what he did, then he would most likely take up other just as equally if not
far worse destructive behaviors.  He knew deep down that he was running
from being gay and he had no idea just how badly and just how profound that
could and did take on a life of its own.  He grew to understand this as his
conversations continued with Michael and the other boys.

The turningpoint for Noah and Chase came a few nights after they both had
been at the house when he went to visit Chase an hour before they all had
to be in their own rooms.  He had knocked on the door and Chase asked who
it was and when he identified himself, Chase said that he could come in.
Noah opened the door and walked in to the room.

He saw Chase lying on his bed and trying to massage his leg and foot.  His
left leg and foot to be exact and the look on his face was one of pain and
anger.

"I'd like to just hack this mother fucking thing right off!" Chase yelled.

"It's okay," Noah said.  "I can try to help you with that if you want me
to."

"You'd actually want to do that?" Chase asked him with his voice filled
with skepticism.  "That doesn't seem like something that a huge manly guy
like you would be caught dead doing to another guy.  You mean that you
don't have a big hyper-masculine image to keep up?"

"That's not funny," Noah said looking away.  "I'm trying to change and no
longer be that guy and I probably don't have a right to ask anyone anything
right now, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't make a joke of this.  I
really am working at this.  I'm worried that I might not be able to
overcome the person I've been, but I don't want to go back to jail.  I'm
having to figure out for the first time who I am and it's really making me
feel naked, and I'm really scared okay?"

Noah was close to tears now and Chase immediately felt bad for what he had
said.  He sat up and moved so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed
beside Noah.  He scooted close to him and held out his hand for him to
take.

"Noah," he said feeling shame grab hold and grip him tightly.  "I really am
sorry.  I shouldn't have said that; I had no right.  I know you're working
hard to change and find a different way of life.  I guess I just have my
own stuff I'm trying to deal with and I'm also scared.  I'm not trying to
excuse what I said, but I'm just saying that I have a brave mask I'm trying
to keep up and it's not working very well either."

"I guess you and I are both trying to find our way," Noah said and looked
deeply in to Chase's eyes.

"I think so," Chase replied.  Noah then reached out to hug Chase and Chase
stiffened up at first, then Noah did the best he could with composing his
face in to a soft look, as soft as he could generate.  It worked, and Chase
leaned in and they sat like that for what seemed like hours just holding
one another, until Noah felt Chase's leg jerk hard.

"Fuck!" Chase grunted and pulled away.

"It's okay," Noah said.  "I really do want to do something to help, if
you'll let me and if you want me to help."

"Yeah," Chase said as his leg spasmed again this time harder.  "I really
need you to massage it for me; that might help."

"Okay," Noah said.  "I'll see if I can help you."

He got up on his hands and knees on the bed in front of Chase's feet and he
sat cross-legged in front of the smaller boy.  He took his spasming foot in
his hands and felt where the muscles were tightened in to hard lumps.

"Yeah," Chase said through another spasm.  "It doesn't feel too good to the
touch and it hurts as bad as it looks."

"I'm sorry Chase," Noah said with emotion in his voice.  "I'll help you as
best as I can."

He began to use his fingers and thumbs on the top, bottom and sides of
Chase's foot and he soon felt the muscle contractions begin to relax.  He
then worked his way down to Chase's toes and massaged them as well.  This
helped and soon Chase was more relaxed than what he had been before.

"Thank you Noah," he said looking down at him.

"You're welcome," Noah said.  "I'll do this any time you need me too,
okay?"

"Okay," Chase said and smiled at him.  Noah smiled back and he knew at that
moment that he wanted to at some point, become more than friends with
Chase; that is if Chase wanted to as well.

"You did a good job," Chase said after Noah finished up his massage.

They were lying beside each other on the bed and Noah suddenly realized
that they were holding one another's hand, and his first impulse was to
pull his hand out of Chase's, but something told him not to and when he
thought about it further, he knew that he didn't want to let go of Chase's
hand, not ever.

"Like I said," Noah said turning his head to look directly at Chase.  "I
was happy to do it, now and any time you want."

"I'm glad to hear you say that," Chase said.

Over the next few days and weeks, the two boys grew closer and closer until
they both had no problem being in various States of undress in one
another's rooms.  They worked out a lot in the basement's workout room
lifting weights and they would let one another use the bathroom in one
another's room to shower afterwards, but they both had what seemed to them
an unspoken rule that they wouldn't be fully naked in front of one another.
Chase was the first to suggest that he could go in the restroom to take off
the rest of his clothes and Noah agreed and he did the same when it came
his turn to get a shower.  They both, once back in Noah's room the first
time they worked out together were sneaking glances at one another's upper
bodies once they had off their shirts.  Their torsos glistened and were
soaked with sweat and when Chase first saw Noah's soaked torso, he
immediately thought in his mind about Noah being flat on his back on the
bed while Chase was bent over him licking him all over.  Chase quickly sat
down this first time since he felt his penis beginning to stiffen and he
definitely didn't want his bigger and older friend to see, at least not yet
anyway.

Another thing that happened to bring them still even closer, was one
Saturday night when Chase's muscle spasms were acting up constantly that
evening.  He and Noah were in Noah's room listening to music and Chase felt
his leg tightening up and he knew that this one was going to be bad.  Noah
saw what was happening and he moved to help Chase on to the bed the normal
way so he could lay down full-length.  Once on his back, Noah began
massaging Chase's foot as before, but he had to press a little harder and
it took longer to complete the massage this time.  Chase was crying this
time and Noah was doing the best he could to comfort him.  Once the spasms
were over, Noah came up beside his friend and at first clumsily embraced
him, then relaxed and just held him close like a lover would their partner
who was in pain.  He knew that that's how he had come to think of Chase and
he remembered the night before when he had a dream about Chase that caused
him to come just before he jerked awake.

Once Chase's tears were gone, Noah just held him close and stroked his hair
and rocked him slowly and gently.

"I'm right here," Noah whispered softly in Chase's ear.  "You're safe and I
won't let anything happen to you."

"Thanks," Chase said as he began to drift off to sleep.

"Anything," Noah began, and before he could stop the words, he added.
"Anything for my special one."

Noah was momentarily choked up.  He wondered if he really just said that
last part out loud, and he knew that he did.  He lay there feeling Chase's
shirtless upper body skin-to-skin with his own shirtless upper body and he
felt himself immediately getting hard, but he didn't care this time.  He
would move it if Chase felt it and asked him to move it, but he was done
being scared of who he was, he had been done with it for weeks, but that
night was the night in which all feelings of fear were gone.  He was in
love with Chase Johnston and fuck anyone in society who didn't approve or
accept them.

As they lay there, Chase moved so that his body was facing Noah and he was
pressed right up against him and Noah could feel Chase's erection pressed
hard against his.  He was desperate to touch it, but he was afraid that he
would scare him, so he refrained from doing it.  He just lay there holding
Chase in his arms and soon, he was asleep along with his friend.

The night before when Noah had had the erotic dream, he remembered
everything about it.  He remembered that he and Chase were both naked in
the woods.  It was a vast forest and if he were in it and awake, he
probably would have been afraid, but not here, not in this dream.  The moon
was full in the sky and every star was shining brightly in the night sky.
Noah was on his back with no clothes on at all.  Strangely enough, he
didn't care how or why his clothes were off.  He only cared about the
person who he could see above him who was naked just like him.  He couldn't
see their face, but he knew that it was a boy; he could feel his erect
penis when the boy moved against him with his face turned away in the
beginning when he stretched out on top of Noah and began kissing all over
his neck.  Noah was moaning while the boy did this, then he began to kiss
all over Noah's chest and he began sucking and softly bighting on Noah's
nipples which caused him to moan loudly with pleasure and need for more.

The hot moist mouth began to lick and suck all over Noah's abdomen and both
of his sides, then his legs were moved apart and the boy began to nibble
and suck on Noah's big and hairy ball sack which was sending searing bright
lights and colors before Noah's eyes and making his body jerk violently
with electric shocks of pleasure.  Finally, the boy's hot and wet mouth
began to take Noah's huge and throbbing cock in his mouth and slowly take
it in to his mouth and once used to the large shaft, the boy began to suck
Noah and suck him in a way that seemed possessive.  Noah was enjoying
himself and he knew that he was close.

The boy began to take his mouth off of Noah's cock, and when he did, he
began to slowly lick all over Noah's balls and shaft making Noah scream
with lust and pleasure.  Then the boy engulfed Noah's shaft down to the
base of it and continued sucking him and deep throating him.  Noah knew
that he was close and with a loud scream like a wild animal, he came like
never before.  The feelings were good, too good and his cock was on fire
and both feeling ecstatically wonderful, but burning with every shot of cum
he blasted out of it and in to the sucking mouth.  Noah was coming harder
and he felt like his body would bust apart with the force of it.  The
feelings were so intense and so crushing in their power, that he wanted
them to never stop, but he was desperate for them to stop and for his
orgasm to pass.  It soon slowed, then was over and he let out a long breath
of contentment, and looked down in to the eyes of the boy who had been
wildly making love to him.  He was overcome with disbelief and was both
scared and excited to see the lust-filled eyes of Chase looking deeply in
to his own.  That's when he jerked violently awake and was soaking his
boxers in load after steaming-hot load of cum.  He sat there after it was
over trying to get his head to clear and as he thought about the dream over
the next few hours and over the next few days, he knew that through all of
the lust and sexual need he was experiencing in the dream, he was also
feeling deep feelings of love for Chase and when thinking about it a little
more, he knew that deep down a part of him knew in the dream that it had
been Chase all along who was loving his body.

Noah was jerked out of these thoughts as he heard the door opening and
closing and he heard the distinct footsteps of Chase's walk.  Because of
the C.P., his right foot would rise up and drop back down as his left foot
dragged across the floor and he had only seconds to put his right foot down
again so that his left foot disabled though it was could function so he
could walk along the floor.  Thus, Noah always knew when Chase was
returning to the room to be with him or when he was first coming in to the
room for the first time in the morning without him having to look at Chase
to know he was coming in.

Noah was still hard from thinking about how sexy Chase was and also because
of thinking about the dream he had had about him all those weeks ago.  His
cock was stiff and he knew that he had enough precum in his boxers that it
would be soaking through soon if he didn't do something about it now.  He
quickly got up and just as quickly told Chase that he had to use the
restroom, then ran to it and immediately closed and locked the door.  He
pulled his shorts and boxers down and looked down at his penis that was
slowly but definitely deflating which he was happy for since he didn't want
to keep showing iron the whole time he was with Chase that day.  He took
off the role some toilet paper and pulling back his foreskin, he made sure
to wipe off all of the glistening and creamy fluids that were covering the
head of his cock.  He was getting hard again and he tried to think about
other things to keep it down.  Luckily this worked, and he finished up
cleaning off the head of his cock, then he did actually urinate, then
washing his hands and flushing the toilet, he came out of the restroom and
reclaimed his seat on the edge of Chase's bed.

"You must have really had to go," Chase said as he sat down beside Noah and
looked at him with a knowing smirk on his face.

"I know what you're trying to imply," Noah said smirking back.  "How do you
know I still don't have that temper I had a while back?"

"You don't," Chase said and leaned in close and put an arm around Noah's
shoulders.  "You trying to say that you'd kick my ass for implying that
you're horny right now and maybe horny for another guy?"

Noah smiled at Chase this time and looked at him.

"I was just fucking with you," he said.  "I won't get pissed about anything
you say and yeah, you got me.  I was horny."

"Haven't jacked off in a while or something?" Chase asked smiling at him.

"No, I didn't have time," Noah said.  "I had to get started this morning
and didn't have time to fit it in when I got my shower, but I'll get it
done here soon."

"I'm sure you will," Chase said and looked directly in to Noah's eyes.  He
was just as in love with Noah as he was with him and he was grateful to him
for letting him sleep in his bed ever since that night when he had the epic
attack on his leg.

Michael

I sat with my mom across from me outside the restaurant finishing up my
food while she continued working on her chef salad she had ordered.
Through the lunch, I was telling her about how everything was going with me
and the kids, at least as much as I could without breaking confidentiality.
I was still holding something back, and she knew it from the way she was
looking at me throughout the meal.  I had been thinking for the past few
days about when Larry Marks had raped me and about how I knew that had I
not had the support and love of not only her and my dad when he eventually
came back in to my life, but the love of Josh and my other brothers, I
thought about the question of where I might have ended up.  Would I have
ended up sick and eventually dying from either alcoholism or drug addiction
in some dark area of the streets?  Most horrifying of all, would I have
probably gone the way of Noah and began beating up people for little more
than who they were, or who I perceived them to be?  The thoughts disturbed
me and there were other thoughts, ones that I hadn't talked about to
anyone, not my mom, not dad and not even Josh.  It had to do with when I
was trying to keep the secret of my sexuality in the months before I told
my mom for the first time.

I had always been afraid that she would disown me if she knew, or if not
that, then she would be afraid all the time that I might get AIDS from
another male or that someone would kill me for being who I am.  In my
barely 13-year-old mind at the time, all of this made sense, so I held it
in and I would wake up screaming every night from dreams in which my mom
kicked me out of the house, others in which a large gathering of people
took turns beating me to death and more dreams in which I was standing in
the actual lake of fire burning for all time because of my sexuality.  Even
at 12 years old, I heard on TV and from anyone and everyone in society that
being straight was normal, but GLBT was sick at the most and evil at the
very least.  As I continued having nightmares, my mom was getting even more
concerned and scared for me and there were times where I would space out in
class and about three weeks before I came out to mom, I began wishing that
I could go to sleep and never wake up again.  That's how it started out
anyway, but I then began to think of actual ways to end my life.  These
thoughts caused me even more pain and sadness since I would have thoughts
afterwards of my funeral and my mom crying over my casket.  The thoughts
were slowly going away in the days leading up to when I came out to my mom
and after getting me in to see a counselor, they went away.  They went away
especially with the help of my counselor who gave me things to remember
about making sure to talk about my feelings and other things I could
remember about staying calm and remembering my value as a person in the
world.

I felt a hand gently but firmly squeezing mine and I was brought back to
reality.  My mom was looking at me worried and she had to call my name
again louder since I clearly hadn't been hearing her at all.

"Sorry," I said and I felt spaced out and had to struggle hard to get back
to the present time.  I'm fine, really."

She wasn't buying it at all and placing money on the table, she got up and
I knew that from the loving but serious look on her face and how she took
my hand and pulled gently but firmly, that we would be having a talk some
place far from others who could hear us if we didn't go some other place
that was private and quiet.

After driving in silence for a few minutes, we stopped up at where the old
house had been standing, but now where it was just blackened earth, and she
and I both got out of the car and were now sitting on the grass in front of
the house.

"Why did you bring us here?" I asked looking at her.

She took my hands in hers and looked deeply in to my eyes.  I had to fight
the impulse to turn away and I knew that she wasn't letting go of my hands.

"Michael, I love you more than anything," she began.  "I know that you know
this."

"Yeah," I said not sure where she was going with this.  "Mom, I don't
understand."

She took me in her arms and just held me and I was slowly beginning to feel
what had been bothering me and it had probably been there for days, maybe
even weeks.  I was beginning to have trouble with the work.  I wasn't doing
the complete work of a full-blown child psychologist, but I knew that I was
working myself hard to help the kids, especially the ones who had a history
of attempting to end their lives.

"When I checked on you and Josh the past few nights and sometimes when I
walked past your guy's closed bedroom door, I could hear you yelling out in
your sleep."

"Do you remember what I was saying?" I asked.

"You must have been dreaming about something happening to the kids," she
said.  "You were yelling out the names of Tyler and Ryan, especially."

I made a motion and she knew that I wanted her to let go of me for a
moment.  I remembered the dreams that she was talking about over the past
several nights.  I was having dreams where I would see Ryan or Tyler,
sometimes both of them attempting to kill themselves and I was unable to do
anything to stop them.  I was also having dreams in which I was laying on
the floor of the bathroom of our old house and my wrists would be cut
opened wide and I would be wishing that someone would come and try to save
me and knowing the irreversible decision I had made.  I would hear my mom
after several attempts to get the door opened finally get it opened and she
would see my body spread out on the floor in a river of my own blood trying
to call for her to help me and nothing coming out.  In the dreams, I was
still 12 and I could see her looking down at me and screaming long and
loud, then grabbing me and holding me and trying to call for help on the
phone.  I would be thinking all the time that I wanted to take it back, and
that there were so many things I had to do but would never get to do, then
I would wake up and Josh would be holding me and helping me to calm down.

I figured that my dreams were me worrying about the safety of the kids, but
also they were leading to my own dreams based partly in the memory of the
suicidal thoughts I had been having as a younger child.  I also was
figuring, and correctly as well, that dealing with all of the issues of the
kids was bringing back my own demons.  I in all of that time that I was
working at the house didn't have any urges to take my life again, that's
not what I'm saying at all; it's that I had unknowingly opened a doorway to
the past which can happen and I at that point in time was learning the
painful truth that our lives do not move in a straight line towards a
reward in Heaven or a fiery punishment in Hell, nor do our lives move in a
straight line away from bad events in our lives.  I was understanding this
in the deepest way in which the universe could awaken me to it.

After gathering my thoughts, I moved close to her again and I began
talking.

"I don't want to stop doing what I'm doing," I began.  "I want you to know
that starting out."

"I understand," she said.

"Doing this work, especially with the kids who have identified as gay has
really brought back for me what I went through when I first came out to you
back when I became a teenager."

"I know that was a scary time for you," she said putting an arm around me.

"Well, what I'm about to tell you," I began.  "It's something I didn't even
tell my counselor."

"What are you talking about?" she asked beginning to get scared.

"While I was 12 and especially before I turned 13," I began, then lost
control.  My tears were coming on suddenly and emotions that I thought were
long forgotten in the past were coming back.  She held me as I sobbed hard
and shook and let everything out.  "I told you before when I came out to
you that I knew around when I was 12, but I didn't tell you that I had
always known that I liked boys in some way pretty much all of my life since
I was 8 and I sort of knew that people in the world wouldn't agree with it
and I would hear adults around me talk about how it was abnormal for guys
to be together like men and women were when they would be boyfriend and
girlfriend with each other.  So for my birthdays when you said for me to
make a wish from 9 until I was 13, my wish was always that a doctor or
someone would make a technology someday that would get that part out of me
and I would wish that I wouldn't have that filth in me.  That was my wish
for all of those birthdays."

"Oh Michael," my mom said and she was crying now, but keeping herself
together enough so that she could help me.  "I'm so sorry you were feeling
like that."

"I was so scared," I sobbed as she held me.  "Then when I was 12, I began
wishing at night that I wouldn't wake up in the morning and that I could be
gone and not have to feel what I was feeling, not the feelings for other
boys, the fear, the sadness or any of it.  I would be crying every night at
that time and I would fall asleep and the next morning would come and I
would be awake again.  I didn't have the joy that most boys that age have
of it being a new day and waking up in the morning and having that feeling
that all things were possible.  I was thinking that it was another morning
that would start off another day and it made me feel so tired and then I
would be so scared.  I lived and feared every day as the days went on.
Eventually though, I began to think of different ways of how I could end my
life."

"Oh baby," my mom said and held me tighter.

I told her about what I was afraid of her having to go through if she knew
that I was gay and that I thought at the time that me not being alive would
keep her safe from that.  I also told her about the dreams I had over the
past few nights about her finding me.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you all of that back then," I sobbed and was
still crying hard.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," she said.  Yes, I wish I would
have our could have known how badly you were hurting back then, but I'm
still with the people who believe that if society wasn't the way it was
towards people and kids who are GLBT, then you and other adults and kids
wouldn't have to go through what you just told me about."

We just sat there with her slowly getting her tears under control, and
after a few more minutes of her holding me and me letting the last of my
tears go, it was all out.  I understood now why she had brought me back
here.  I needed to remember where I had come from and remember that I was
Michael, a caring compassionate person who wanted to help other kids or
anyone in need, but that I wasn't God, nor a person who could just keep
things away with a couple of smiles and saying: "I'm Fine." All the time.
It was a painful lesson, but I needed it if I was going to be of help to
the kids or to my brothers.  The other lesson was clear as well, that we
eventually have to return full-circle back to our past if not to repeat it,
then to understand it so that we may go forward with more mature ways of
existing and living.

"Thank you for bringing me here and also, thank you for talking to me," I
said and hugged my mom tightly.  "I love you so much."

"You're welcome my son," she said.  "I love you more than anything.  I
don't want you to ever forget that, not ever."

"I won't," I said.  "I promise you that."

I knew then that I would have to talk to Josh.  I had been keeping this
from him, especially in the past few days and it wasn't fair to him,
especially not if we were going to take vows someday soon to commit to one
another as husbands.

0000

Noah and Chase were sitting across from one another outside the restaurant
they chose for that day's lunch.  It was a small place about 10 minutes
from the house and it had good sea food which was what they both enjoyed.
Noah was enjoying spicy crab cakes and a side of fried clam strips with a
cup of sauce which was a mixture of hot sauce and ranch dressing and Chase
was having crab legs also with fried clam strips and there was also some
pieces of shrimp beside his plate with a spicy cheese dip.  They both sat
in silence for a few minutes when the food came and were just enjoying
everything.  Then Noah put down his napkin and leaned back in his chair for
a moment.  He looked over at Chase and smiled.

"Thank you for having lunch with me today," he said.

"You're welcome," Chase replied after swallowing his food.  "I'm glad you
asked me to do it."

"So am I," Noah responded.  "After this, I was hoping you would go another
place with me."

"Okay," Chase said looking intently at his friend.  "Where is it?"

"I'll show you when we begin walking again," Noah answered.

"Okay," Chase said.  "That sounds good."

"I'm glad," Noah replied.

After the dishes were cleared away, they both had a slice of Key lime Pie
and they both were surprised to learn that that was another thing they both
had in common with one another.

"Wow!" Chase said amazed after they put in their orders.  "Is there
anything we don't have in common with one another?"

"I don't know," Noah said and smiled at his friend.

Once dessert was finished, Noah got up from his seat and came around the
table so that Chase could hold on to him and stand up.  They both walked
away from the restaurant once making sure that the money was where the
waiter could find it and after seeing him take it with him back in to the
building.  They walked for a few minutes, then Noah stopped and turned to
Chase.

"I'll tell you where I want you to come with me now if you want," he said
to his friend.

"Okay," Chase said.

There's a small cluster of trees and bushes that block off the road and
public areas and it's deep in the woods close to the house," Noah said.  "I
was wondering if you wanted to go there with me and just talk and get away
from everything."

"I'd really like that!" Chase said excitedly.

"Good!" Noah said and they began walking again.

Once at the area that he told Chase about, he was pleased to see the smile
on Chase's face when he looked at the shaded and green colors of the woods
that seemed to never end.  They found a place and sat down beside each
other.  Noah placed his arm around Chase's shoulders and pulled him close.

"You're being really affectionate with me lately, and it seems like more in
the past couple of days," Chase said looking up in to Noah's face.

"Yeah," Noah said smiling at his friend.  "I guess I have."

"You know you have," Chase said and smiled even more at him.

"Actually," Noah began.  "You're right, I do know that."

"Any particular reason?" Chase asked.

"Well, it could be that that's just how much I care about you as my best
friend," Noah said and moved his face closer to Chase's.  "It could be that
I want you to feel safe so that that's the reason I do it.  It could also
be something else entirely."

"Like what," Chase said.

Noah took his arm from around Chase's shoulders and took the boy's face
gently in his hands.  He looked deeply in to his eyes and moved his face
closer until their foreheads were pressed together and he softly pressed
his lips to Chase's and they kissed romantically for the first time that
day as the skies shown as a deep-blue with no clouds and the birds sang all
around them.

Once the kiss ended, Noah moved his face away and looked in to his friend's
eyes.  Chase was smiling and his eyes held nothing but love and happiness
at what just happened.

"It's because I'm deeply in love with you Chase," Noah said, then leaned in
and kissed him again.  This time, Chase kissed back more hungrily and the
kiss began to open like a flower and it also began to get warm, then hot.
They had their arms wrapped around one another and then they lay back on
the soft grass on their sides and just held one another and they enjoyed
the deep and hungry kisses they were exchanging with one another.

Noah had never felt anything like this before and he felt turned on both
romantically and sexually in ways that he felt like he would never be able
to put in to words.  His iron-hard erection was twitching and his balls
were hot and tingling along with the throbbing of his cock.  He was pressed
up against Chase and he could feel Chase's own hardness against his.

Chase was on fire with his love and sexual desire for Noah.  He could feel
Noah's hot lips on his own and he could also feel the bigger boy's hardness
against his own.  He knew that he was close to coming and he didn't want
that, but he never wanted this moment to end.

Noah was the first to break the kiss and now they just lay there trying to
slow their breathing.  Chase lay his head in the hollow of Noah's neck and
they just stayed like that for what seemed like hours, then Noah spoke
after he took Chase's face in his hands again.

"I've never felt this way about anyone before in my life," he said with
deep emotion in his voice.  "You're so handsome Chase."

"So are you Noah," Chase said and gave Noah a smile that made his heart
melt when he looked at it.  Chase then kissed Noah deeply again, then just
looked at him.  "I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you."

Noah laughed and couldn't help but feel a slight disbelief.

"Now I know you live in a fantasy," he said.  Chase playfully hit Noah on
the side of his arm and kissed his cheek.  "You couldn't have possibly
known that from that first time.  I was really cruel back then."

"Okay," Chase said.  "I might not have literally loved you at the first
moment I saw you, but I knew that I was thinking that I wanted to help you
change and become a person that I could love.  I'll definitely say though,
that I was really attracted to you that night at dinner when we first spoke
to one another."

"Truthfully, I felt the same way about you too that night," Noah said
looking at him.  "For obvious reasons though, I couldn't have let you know
at that moment though."

"The same goes for me as well," Chase replied.  "I'll admit that I spent
many nights thinking about you while jacking off when I was in bed."

"It was the second night we were at the house that I thought about you
while jacking off," Noah admitted.  "When you thought about me in that way,
how did it feel?"

"It was sexy," Chase replied.  "It also felt weird.  I was trying to
picture doing sexual and romantic things with your body, but it was kind of
hard to think of that along-side the bad character you showed in your
personality to others."

Noah saw that Chase had an embarrassed smile on his face and he kissed him
softly.

"It's okay Chase," Noah said.  "I can understand and I don't blame you for
that it all.  I probably would have felt the same.  When I thought about
you in a romantic and sexual way along with getting myself off at night, it
was mainly feelings of fear mixed with the good feelings.  In the first
place, I was still afraid of the truth of me being gay and there were other
things as well, most of some of which I haven't told you yet."

"Is it about things you did to others before you came to the house?" Chase
asked him.

"No," Noah said and looked away.  "You know all about that.  It has to do
with something else, and I'm afraid that you won't think of me the same
after I tell you."

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Chase said taking Noah's face in
his hands and turning it so that their eyes were on one another again.  He
kissed Noah tenderly on his lips and looked deeply in to his eyes.

"It has to do with my father," Noah began.  "And yes, I do have to tell you
if we're going to not only have a relationship, but if we're going to have
any kind of honesty."

"Okay," Chase said.  "Just take your time and don't feel like you have to
rush anything."

Noah began telling Chase about his father raping him and as the story
continued, Noah began to break down, then he had to stop, because of how
hard he was crying.

"It's okay my love," Chase said.  "I'm right here and I'm not going
anywhere.  I'm staying with you by your side for always."

After a few minutes, Noah's tears subsided and he could speak again.  He
told Chase the rest of the story, not leaving anything out.  Chase
listened, then kissed him lovingly on his cheeks, then on his lips.

"Thank you for telling me," Chase said softly looking deep in to Noah's
eyes again.  "I don't think you're damaged goods and I still love you now
after you told me and that's never going to change.  You mean the world to
me and as deeply as I loved you before you told me about what your father
did, I love you now and will continue to love you just as deeply going
forward."

"Thank you Chase," Noah said.  They shared another kiss and then just lay
there with their foreheads touching.  "That means a lot to me and I have
and will always have a deep love and respect for you not only as my friend,
but as my boyfriend."

"So will I," Chase said.

"So if you want to be boyfriends with me," Noah began.  "I'd really love
that."

"So would I," Chase said.  "I definitely want to be your boyfriend.  Do you
want to be mine?"

"Yeah," Noah said and leaned in to kiss him.  "I'm glad we got that settled
and I feel more happy now than I ever have before in my life."

"So do I," Chase said.

"I want you to know though," Noah began.  "I'm not ready for sex, not just
yet.  Even if I hadn't been raped by my father, I would still want to do
things the old way.  By that, I'm talking about taking a boyfriend out on
dates and letting our relationship unfold slowly, then doing any kind of
love-making once we've gotten to know each other more deeply.  I'm
definitely committed to that stance even more now because of what my father
did to me though.  I hope you can understand and respect that point of
view."

"I absolutely do," Chase said looking directly at Noah while saying this.
"I would never push for sex and I don't want to do it right now, not in the
next few days, and especially not in the next minute or in the next few
seconds."

"I'm glad we both see eye-to-eye on that," Noah said.  "What I'll
definitely allow, is you to sleep beside me at night wrapped in my arms, if
you still want to do that.  Now though, it'll just have a deeper meaning
when we share my bed."

"I'd love that," Chase said and snuggled more in to Noah's arms.

"Good," Noah said.  They kissed for a few minutes, then Noah broke the
kiss.  "Chase, I love you more than anything; I want you to know that."

"I love you too Noah," Chase responded.  "I love you more than I can ever
put in to words and it's truly wonderful that we're boyfriends and that
we're working on sharing our lives together!"

"Yeah," Noah agreed.  "It definitely is."

After exchanging a few more loving hugs and kisses, they decided to return
to the house so they could be back in time for dinner.  They were surprised
at how long they had been alone with one another that afternoon.  Once Noah
helped up Chase and had him balanced on his feet, they began their walk
back to the house.

Michael

I finished up the last of the paperwork and handed it off to Brad who took
it in to the office so it could be filed.  I then went to find Josh.  I
knew he and I had to talk and I was nervous about doing it.  Over the past
couple of days, he and I would talk about how one another was doing, but
there was a shallowness to the discussions and we both knew it.  We hadn't
been intimate in a few weeks either and while we weren't arguing, not
loudly or even calmly, I knew that Josh was getting impatient with all of
my responses that everything was fine and I was getting scared when he
would ask, but it was coming out in me making impatient sounds when I would
answer him.  I felt horrible about it and I was desperate to change things
so that we wouldn't start having deep and damaging problems in our
relationship.

I pushed in the chair that we used for the desk that served as a work desk
which was standing in the main sitting room of the house and I went to find
Josh.  He wasn't in the kitchen and I heard him in the small office where
we turned in all paperwork.  He was finishing letting my dad know that
everything went fine with one of the kids, but I didn't know who it was
since I only caught the last few words as I got closer to the doorway of
the room.  I stood there for a moment waiting for him to finish talking,
then I tapped lightly on the doorway.

"Oh, hi Michael," my dad said.  "Josh was just filling me in on how things
with Justin went when they had their session which just ended a couple of
minutes ago."

"Oh," I said.  "It sounds like it went well."

"Yeah," Josh said turning to me.  "It went good and he's doing well."

"I'm glad to hear that," I said, and I was.

"So am I," Josh said walking towards me.

"I'm definitely pleased at the progress everyone is making around here," my
dad said looking directly at me and his look was loving but deeply serious.
I knew that my mom would tell him about everything I told her that day.
She asked me if she could after I told her and I agreed and had her agree
that he would tell no one else if I promised to talk to him soon.  She
agreed and from the way he was looking at me now, I knew that he knew.  I
could also guess that he knew that something was wrong with me for a few
days anyway since I brushed off his concerns lately as well in addition to
the concern that Josh had for me.

"Wow," I thought in my head.  "I really am being a horrible son and
boyfriend lately."

"Michael!" I suddenly heard Josh say loudly.

"Sorry, what?" I said giving my head a shake to clear it.  "I must have
been away for a moment."

"You didn't hear anything I said did you?" Josh asked coming closer to me
and putting his hand in mine once I held it out for him.

"No," I said.  "I'm sorry."

"I was wondering if you wanted to go out for dinner later on tonight after
the kids are taken care of with dinner," he was looking at me and his tone
was soft, but I knew that he was struggling to keep from getting impatient
and angry with me.

"Yeah, I think I'd like that," I said and he must have heard the distracted
tone in my voice.  I knew that we really had to talk, or things would
become a mess that would probably not be able to be managed in a way that
would help keep things together for us.

"Well, we'll see you later Andrew," Josh said looking in Andrew's
direction, then turning his eyes back to me.  His look said that we were
going to talk and that it was not up for discussion.

"We'll see you later dad," I said, then after walking further in to the
room, I hugged my dad.  He held me for a moment, then let go, but I knew
that he didn't want to.  Truthfully, I didn't want him to either, I
honestly wanted him to keep holding me forever and for him to make what I
was feeling go away forever.

"I love you Michael," he said in my ear low enough so that only I could
hear.

"I love you too dad," I said in his ear just as low.

After we held one another for a moment, I went back over to Josh and we
took one another's hands and walked out of the room.  We were silent as we
walked down the hall to where his and my room was located.  Once in the
room, he closed the door and turned to me after making sure that it was
locked.

"So how did your lunch with your mom go?" he asked looking at me.

"It went well," I said.

"Did it?" he asked seriously.

"Josh?" I began.

He took my hand and lead me over to the bed.  We sat down beside one
another and he wrapped his arms around me and just held me for a moment.

"We need to talk Michael," he said softly when he moved his head to look in
to my eyes.  "You know we do."

"I know," I said.

"I know that this question gets thrown around a lot and it's more a casual
wording, but I mean it this time," he began.

"What?" I asked.

"Do you truly know just how much I really and deeply love you Michael?"

"Yeah," I said.

"You know that I would do anything for you right?" he asked and kissed me
on the cheek.

"Yeah," I said.  "I do know that."

"And you know that I've always talked about honesty in a relationship as
have you," he said.

"Yeah," I answered.

"I want you to talk to me Michael," he said softly leaning in close and
holding me tighter.  "I know that you're closing yourself off to me and I
don't want that.  I love you more than anything and sometimes when you're
hurting for any reason, I just wish that I could just take you some place
where it's only us, just you and I.  I wish I could do this and just keep
you safe from everything.  I know that this isn't something that could
happen, but I still think about it sometimes.  It hurts me deeply when
you're hurting and especially when I know that you're being hurt in some
way."

"I truly feel the same about you too Josh, I hope you know that," I said
close to tears now.

"I do know that," he answered.  "So please, Michael, please just open up to
me.  I truly want to know what's going on with you.  I'll do everything I
can to help, that's a promise."

He was holding me and rubbing my back up and down in slow strokes and my
head was on his shoulder.  It must have been his loving words and loving
tone, because my tears were flowing now and I was sobbing, probably just as
hard as when I told my mom everything earlier that day.

After I told him everything, he just held me close and was rocking me
gently in his arms.  We didn't speak for what seemed like hours.  I felt
closer to him in that moment and I can't describe it, not even today, just
how loved I felt after opening up to him and knocking down those self-made
walls.  I felt like a weight had been taken from my shoulders.

"I'm sorry I shut you out," I said after my tears were gone and I had dried
my eyes.  "I guess I needed to share more about myself than just the usual
stuff.  I thought that if I could help the kids, that only that and a
little counseling would help me."

"I hear what you're saying my love," Josh said and hugged me, then kissed
my lips softly.  "It's easy to forget where we come from and that we are
human.  One other thing though."

"What?" I asked.

"I know that you haven't wanted to make love with me for a few weeks now,"
he began and kissed my cheek lovingly.  There was no sexual motive in it,
just the expression of his deep love for me, both as a friend and as a soul
mate.

"Yes," I said.  "It had to do with what Larry did.  The flashbacks were
happening and this time, they were bad enough that even the thought of
doing anything sexual with you would cause me to picture that bastard's
face in place of yours."

"I'm so sorry my love," Josh said and held me tighter again.

"Again, I really am sorry I never shared that with you," I said.  "I'm also
sorry for never telling you about the thoughts I had been experiencing back
when I was younger.  Even though you didn't know me back then, I still
should have told you at some point during our relationship early-on."

"You're telling me now," Josh said and kissed me softly.  "Yes, I would
have liked to have known back then and when I told you early-on in the
beginning of our relationship about having those sort of thoughts before
coming out to my dad, I wish I could have known, so that I could have maybe
felt like I wasn't the only one, but I'm not angry with you for not sharing
it with me at that point, but I'm glad you told me now."

"So am I," I said.

"I want to ask you, and I want you to answer me truthfully," he said.
"Along with the dreams of what you thought about back then, are you
thinking about killing yourself again right now, or have you been thinking
about it lately?"

"No," I said looking directly in to his eyes.  "I'm not, and haven't been
thinking about it now or lately, not since I was 12.  I promise you Josh,
and I would say something if I was."

"Okay," he said and kissed me again.  "Thank you for being truthful with
me."

"You're welcome," I said.  "Thank you for making me sit and talk to you.  I
know that I really needed it."

"You're welcome," he said and rested his head on my shoulder as I was doing
with him.

Author's Notes

I know that this is probably an even darker moment in the lives of Michael
and Josh, but this is my attempt at showing just how human these two are,
rather than showing them as invincible super heroes.

So take care, and I'll see everyone in the next chapter.