Date: Sun, 22 Aug 2010 13:02:12 -0400
From: Ben Joseph <shaggy85x@gmail.com>
Subject: Delusion Part 2

All disclaimers apply

This story starts off slow so be patient : )

Meeting up with Emma:

      I look up to discover that the sunlight is slowly burning the
fog away, that golden orb of the sky is getting brighter as it takes
its seat at the top of the sky. My mom's bike sounds pretty beat up. I
wish I had this bike when I was 8 years old, when me and my brother
started taping baseball cards to our bike wheels so the spokes would
produce the sound of an engine. This bike on the other hand already
sounds like I'm driving Joe's 1984 pickup around. No wonder Ralphie
found me this morning.

     In Sheridan, we don't use the term the other side of tracks as
there isn't a train that runs through the town, instead we have a
river that flows through town, so people use the term the other side
of the river. Emma lives on that other side of the river. As I cross
the bridge I hit a pothole ridden street and pass the most broken
down, one pump, Sunoco gas station in the world. And then the lovely
Indian springs trailer park appears.  I notice some unattended
toddlers riding a hot pink big wheel, and throwing pine cones and beer
cans at one another, and I notice Joe's pickup isn't there. That's
weird I really thought he would be getting home anytime now. He
usually gets home early in the morning after he goes out on a bender.
It's pretty comical really, he tries to sneak in and tell Carol he got
home the previous night and that she was sleeping at the time. Now
that may seem like a completely unbelievable story, but some nights
after Carol takes a few percs and oxy's along with a few bud lights
(she's trying to keep her slender New York giants linebacker figure)
she can be out for 12 maybe 14 hours.  Maybe Joe actually, finally
left Carol, like he threatens every other day.  Of course it would
have be nice if he told Emma. However, nice isn't Joe's strong suit.
Joe is a great guy to drink with, ask a question about music to, or
fix something, but considerate and compassionate are not attributes
that people would accuse Joe of being.

      I pull up to Emma's door and walk in, I kind of feel like I'm
entitled, me and Emma, or should I say Emma and I, have paid the lot
rent over six times and have gotten back water and electricity more
than that. The adults in Emma's life aren't exactly responsible with
money. Carol collects off disability because she is literally too fat
to work and Joe hasn't had steady employment in five years and does
odd roofing jobs. Joe mostly works for beer, while Carol has to sell
weed to be able to buy random pills and feed her fat ass.

     Now remember when I said I didn't know where Emma gets her money,
well that is sort of a lie, me and Emma kind of sell weed as a side
business. Well what can we say, I guess mowing lawns was never
glamorous enough for us.  The thing that sucks most is that almost all
of our weed sales have gone to maintain this shithole of a residence.
Between the lot rent and utilities it leaves little for what me and
Emma have been saving and dreaming for, for the past two years, a car.
Emma turns sixteen in two weeks and we only have two thousand dollars
saved up. That is hardly enough to buy a decent ride to raise hell.

     Emma and I have been friends since kindergarten. Emma isn't just
some random person, at least not to me. We have each other, we like
the same music, the same movies, we have the same humor, we have the
same world view, we get together and philosophize. We know each
other's problems and in our minds we have solved all of them, most
importantly we have "we" after all the bullshit, there is this oneness
that exist between us, some past lives have been shared by us.  She is
the only person that I can truly trust outside of my brother, and she
is the only person outside of my family that knows I'm gay, oh yeah we
also have the same taste in men. I can talk a lot of shit about her
but that is the compliment, I wouldn't waste my time on anyone else
like I do her.

      She greets me before I take three steps, "Hey."

     "Hey Emma, what's up, you ready to get stoned betch?"

      "I think you know the answer to that" Emma rushes up to hug me,
she has always had one of those personalities, you know the kind that
never respects personal space.

     "Emma!" "What is this?"

      "A fucking joint, dumbass" she hands over this mangled ass
rolled paper resembling a used tampon.

     "Wow I guess you could call it that."

      "Oh fuck you!, it took me like two hours to roll that, and we
are going to smoke it, I did not waste all the time I spent up last
night doing nothing"

      "Alright I guess it isn't that deformed, it's probably
smokeable" I then inquire, "why were you up last night?"

     "I don't know, well you can see that Joe's truck isn't here."

     "yeah but how is that different than usual"

      "I don't know I just got a bad feeling about this time okay,"

      "Don't tell me that Carol has gotten to you," then with my best
southern Baptist preaching voice I yell, "Devil I cast you out in the
power of the name, Leave This Child!"

     "Oh, fuck you," Emma states and laughs, then tightens back up and
says, "I just think it's weird that he's still MIA,"

     "oh come on, I ran into Ralphie, he's on the lookout"

      "He has been gone for two days" Emma replies quickly.

      "Oh, Ralphie said that Joe went missing last night"

     "No, he hasn't been here in two days, and Carol is freaking out,"
"I told Carol that I saw Joe yesterday, so that's what she told
Ralphie, and when the fuck did you speak to Ralphie anyway? Didn't
your mom tell you to quit hanging out with people that are older than
you; don't you know they will corrupt you?"

     "Fuck you Emma, you're older than me" I state accusingly,

     "I know, and haven't I corrupted you enough?"Emma flashes me a
knowing smile.

      "Well actually now that you mention it, you really have been
ruining my life for the last couple of years" I state, nodding my head
slowly as I stare into space,

     "I can't believe you would say that, even if it is true!" Emma
nearly yells with an excited smile.  I really shouldn't have said
that, I am an impulsive person, besides that, even though she has
gotten me into a lot of stressful, sometimes illegal, horrible
situations, especially recently, without her I would be completely
miserable. We have more fun than should be allowed, well than is
allowed.

     "So is Carol getting her beauty rest?" I ask Emma.

     "Yeah I guess you could call it that, she can't get any uglier."

      I laugh and ask, "Is Brandy up yet?"

      "No." Brandy is Emma's four year old half sister, Emma is
constantly watching her. "I'm going to have to go over to Martha's
before we leave so I can drop her off," States Emma. Martha is Emma's
next door neighbor, and pretty much her surrogate mother. Martha made
it her duty to make sure Emma had a mother figure. Emma's real mom
died of breast cancer before Emma was two years old. Joe was never the
same after that. According to Martha he really didn't drink much more
than he already did, but he just got depressed, the spark left his
eye.  Joe knocked up Carol, who was eighteen at the time, and she
moved in and was more of a friend than mom figure. Of course Emma
would never let Carol think for a second that she had some kind of
authority over her.

      Martha is the only person Emma looks up to as a parent, she is
like 70 years old, but she is stronger than Joe, both mentally and
even physically.  And when you ask me, how do you know that? Well, she
picked Joe up and dragged him into the middle of the street and
started kicking him and calling him a "no good son of a bitch" after
Emma told her that Joe slapped her when he was drunk. That was the
last time he touched Emma.

     Now with that being said, Emma isn't or wasn't some beaten child,
Joe has only hit her twice in her life and she deserved it both times.
The first time was when she was seven and decided that her then enemy,
a little stuck up girl named Jenny, would "look a lot better" with a
haircut. She actually managed to cut nearly all of it off, and the
second and last time was when she was in eighth grade and told the
principal to go fuck himself after he told her that she would need to
take summer school because she missed too many school days.

      Martha has strong opinions about smacking around her little baby
girl, as she refers to Emma.

      Carol should be taking care of Brandy. But I'm sure you know
that should doesn't equal would. Carol doesn't work I remind you, but
she is constantly passed out and when she is up she hardly watches
what Brandy is up to. According to Martha, "that dumb little skank
knows as much about parenting as I know about neurosurgery."

      "Okay let me get Brandy and let's get out of here" States Emma.

      "All right lead the way." After dropping off Brandy, Emma and I
ride our bikes toward school.

Detour:

     Me and Emma are the biggest dorks ever. Emma starts to weave all
over the road and starts singing Dry the Rain by the Beta Band and not
wanting to be outdid, I race past her singing louder and take both my
hands off of the handle bars.

      I notice that the air is calm and the temperature is perfect,
the sun is more pronounced now, I think it's around 70 degrees out,
and its early, it was only 7:45 when we left Emma's house, I imagine
that later in the day it will probably be in the eighties, I think we
should go to the pond after school and cool down a little, maybe just
ditch Ralphie.

    A voice out of nowhere shouts, "Hey Emma, Hey Sammie!" Crash!
Everything is a blur for a second, and then I am landing in a pile of
metal, books and papers,

     "Mother Fucker!" I shout out, I am bleeding on my right hand,
damn I need that hand, I mean I am a fifteen year old guy, it's my
lover. Emma is immediately rushing over to simultaneously help and
laugh her ass off. Todd runs over too, asking if I'm all right, Todd
is one of those skinny, part emo, skater types, he is always wearing
some kind of hoodie no matter how hot it is and he has a homemade lip
piercing that I still can't believe he inflicted upon himself. Also he
has this lingering Boston accent even though he has lived here for
three years now. Todd reaches out his hand to pick me up, there is a
weird moment between us where he stops laughing and looks intently at
my eyes and I at his. I get up and I am still holding his hand, we
awkwardly realize this and both make a defensive quick separation and
try to pretend nothing happened.  The top of my hand is still
bleeding, but it is not as serious as I first thought, I just skinned
it.

      Todd tells us to come to his house and we both start to make the
twenty yard walk as I collapse right in the front lawn, what can I
say, I hate the sight of blood, its genetic, my dad is the same way.
Emma and Todd help me up and into the house and into the bathroom,
Todd helps me clean and dress my "wound," well that is a little
dramatic, it's only a cut, but I tend to exaggerate. Then Todd leads
us to his bedroom; he has to have the coolest bedroom for any
teenager.  Todd's dad built him what is pretty much a mini apartment
above the garage which is separated from their house. Todd turns on
his stereo, Vampire Weekend's "Oxford Comma" fills the room, Emma
lights up her mangled jay and we all start smoking.

      "Come on Emma don't Bogart that shit", Todd states,

    "I know" I chime in.

     "Hey I just want to get it burning smoothly".

    "Okay, Emma" Todd states while rolling his eyes.  Todd adds "So
what are you and Emma doing after school, we should all go to the
beach, I finally got my license and I have to use it."

    "I don't know, Ralphie wanted to do something." I state.

      "Fuck him, he hasn't hung out ever since he went to the academy.
He hasn't even called me since he graduated, why would you want to
hang out with him," States Todd.

     "Well I think we hang out with him because of that very reason,
we haven't got to chill out with him for like three months, besides
with the shit we do, shouldn't we have a friend on the inside of the
justice system."

      "Good point," Emma replies, "also if I need to remind you,
Ralphie is Carol's brother and we are pretty fucking close."

     "Okay, Okay," Todd mumbles. "Have your fun and leave me out, I
see how it is",

      "Todd, you can come too, we're probably just going to go to my
house after school, you should come with us."I state.

      "Well maybe I will."

     "All right, sounds cool," responds Emma.  It is so weird, as I
smoke weed I feel more connected with all that is around me, Todd and
Emma are more attractive as people, we smile and laugh a little more,
contentment fills our eye. I meet Todd's eyes, I don't know how to
best describe the look he is giving me. It knows, it is peaceful,
completely nonjudgmental, and lingering, a slow exchange of smiles
through a sun lit, smoke filled room, am I falling for another
straight guy? God I hope not, but what business does he have looking
at me like he is somehow interested, does he know I'm gay? Is he gay?
Where is my mind, by the pixies is starting to play, I couldn't have
picked a better song. I am imagining some kind of movie scene,
seductively moving closer and capturing his need, how can I stand this
torture, I don't want him, I just need him, to feel, to know I'm
alive. Does he sense my need, does he care?  I shoot Emma a look, and
that is all it takes, she knows me.

     "Hey, Todd, me and Sammie have to get to school, we can't be late again."

     "Okay, let's go, I'll come with you." Todd states. Oh, great, I
think to myself, I have to have Todd parade in front of me. I just
cannot read him, he is going out with Michelle, a gorgeous gymnast
bitch at our school, and she is in the grade above me and Emma, just
like Todd is. He talks about her and all that shit, but then he goes
and asks me if I want to watch him surf with just him, no Emma, or
Michelle, just by ourselves. I'm sorry, I just don't know if I have
that kind of self control.  He seems to love showing me his body, and
its perfect, all the musculature of a Greek god with the gaze of that
Afghani girl on that National Geographic cover from the 80's.  It's
almost unbearable, I have always lived by the proverb that the eyes
are the window to one's soul, if that is true I want to shrink myself
down and jump into the cool dark pools that are his hazel brown eyes.

      Is he some kind of narcissist that lives off being watched? What
is his angle? It drives me insane. Why does he smile at me like that,
is it patronization? Lust? I can't stand it sometimes.  Well, anyways
we begin our journey towards school; it is only two blocks away, I am
so fucking stoned right now. We enter the building and disperse to our
respective classes and begin the school day on time for once. I could
go into detail about my school day, but it was honestly just too
completely boring. The final bell rings and I head to my locker, and
then meet Emma. She is having trouble with her combination, and I have
to help her yet again.

     "Damn it Emma, it's not that fucking hard."

      "Whatever, this combination doesn't like me, it never has, and
it's cursed by some ghost, you betch!" Emma yells while kicking her
locker.

     "Ok Sylvia Brown, back off"  "Have you seen Todd, we're supposed
to meet up with Ralphie at three, we could just ditch Todd if we have
to."

      "Chill out, Ralphie will wait for us," Emma says smiling.

    "I know, it's just that Todd is getting to me, why does he shoot
me those fucked up smirks"

    "Well that is a little weird, at first I thought you were just
having another one of your grandiose delusions, but today I actually
caught him like staring and smiling at you."

     "Do you think he knows I'm gay, is it one of those, I think you
might be a fag smirks?"

     "That's a little paranoid, you're more butch than half the
football team, do you have any idea how caught off guard I was when
you told me you were gay, I used to have a crush on you in eighth
grade, you're like 100% muscle."

      "Oh shut up Emma!" I guess she is kind of right about that, I
don't like to brag, but, wait yes I do, I love to brag, every day
since seventh grade I have been obsessed with getting a nice body, and
I work my ass off for it. Everyone just doesn't know why I work out so
much and yet I am in zero sports.  I used to be a little chubster, but
then I got a complex after watching too much porn and started thinking
that if I didn't do something quick I would never get laid. Well now
I'm hot and still a virgin, and completely horny.

    "Hey guys what's up" Todd appears out of nowhere.

    "Hey man what's up" I reply, "Where were you? Me and Emma were
waiting for you."

     "Oh, I was just fighting with Michelle; she can really get on my
last nerve."

      "Oh that sucks, but it is what we girls are born to do," replies
Emma. We all make our way down the hallway and exit the school.
Sheridan High School has around 600 students, it's pretty bohemian in
a way.  We are in western Oregon there are a lot of people who smoke
weed and who are cool, but then there is a conservative backlash too.
But I imagine that is present in just about every small town.

      Emma and I aren't really in a click, we hover to a lot of
different groups, it just makes better business sense. Me and Emma's
friends are a bit of a potpourri. Todd is a total skater,  Ralphie was
a jock, Emma does the drama and poetry club thing, my brother hung out
with the people who acted like cowboys and somehow I managed to become
the class president.  Emma and I have always hung out with everyone,
from the band geeks to the cheerleaders and everyone in between.  Hey,
everyone needs to get high. At the end of freshman year we had sold to
nearly half of our class at some point.

       Making our way across the parking lot we spot Ralphie. He is
out of his vehicle and he has all of his riot gear on. We all start
busting out laughing and he starts running up to us and hitting his
shield with his night stick.

     "What are you on Ralphie?" yells Emma.

      "Yeah man calm down, the first time I see you in like three
months, and you're all wacked out."

     "Yeah, Todd it has been a while" Ralphie states, it's almost as
if he looks disappointed that Todd came.

     "So let's get this show on the road, ever since I heard you
became a pig I have been dying to smoke in a cop car." Emma states
while breaking the tension,

     "sweet, let's get out of here," I respond.  We pile in the car,
Emma and I hop in the back of the cruiser, "we feel more comfortable
back here," I joke.  Todd and Ralphie linger a little and hop in as
well. "We have to stop at Emma's; we don't have anything with us."
Ralphie shouts out some kind of "Yeehaw," and makes a violent left
turn out of the high school while flipping his siren on, Emma looks at
me with this shocked wide eyed expression and I just look at her and
laugh.  Ralphie has always been a little unpredictable.  Ralphie turns
the siren off before we enter the trailer park.  I imagine he doesn't
want Carol to know that he was out with Emma and me and not out
finding Joe. He parks so he can't be seen from lot 21.

     Emma and I open up the door and start to climb out. Emma looks at
Ralphie and says "damn, you little turd mullet, what did Carol do to
you?" "You're off duty."

      Then I add, "I know Ralphie, what do you think she is going to
do, you know, you can be a real pussy sometimes."

      "Fuck you and get the weed" Ralphie responds.  Carol is waiting
for Emma to get home, surprisingly she isn't all fucked up and it's
late afternoon too, this is weird.

       "Hey guys, how was school today?" she looked like she had been
crying, this Joe thing had her pretty upset.

      "So I guess Joe didn't stop by today."

     "No, that fucking asshole was gone all last night, he doesn't
call me and now it's after three o'clock," "I mean mother fucker, that
piece of shit is probably fucking some dumbass bar slut right now."
Carol's face softens, "I'm sorry Emma, I don't mean to talk about your
dad like that, but I mean come the fuck on."

     "No that's fine, I would be totally pissed off too, he should
have at least called by now, and it isn't the first time this has
happened."

     "Thank you Emma! Thank god someone else sees this shit, Brandy is
over at Martha's for the night, I told Martha what was going on with
Joe and she said that Brandy can stay there tonight, maybe you and
Sammie can spend the night here."

     "Maybe," Emma responds with an uncertain awkwardness then adds,
"All right me and Sammie are going to cruise around with a few
friends, we will probably be back late tonight, yell at Joe for me if
you see him, he still owes me eighty bucks."

     "All right Emma, I'll probably still be up if Joe doesn't come
home, I mean I don't know if I should be worried or pissed off right
now?"

     "Well, I know I'm probably both," Emma retorts.  I sneak away and
grab Emma's stash. I was feeling like a third wheel to that
conversation anyway.

      "Ready Emma?"

     "Yeah let's get out of here, see ya Carol"

     "See ya, Emma, See ya Sammie."

    "See ya Carol" I reply. We step outside and I tell Emma, "Finally,
could you have talked to Carol any longer?"

     "Oh fuck you, Carol isn't that bad, she has actually been a lot
cooler lately."

      "Well that wouldn't be that hard would it?" I mutter.

    "Come on let's just think about what we are going to do tonight,
it is Friday remember?"

      "Maybe we should just cruise around in Ralphie's ride, no chance
of a DUI."

    "Yeah good point" Emma states while laughing. We walk back to the
car and hop in. I roll up two joints in about two minutes, if there is
one thing I can do, its roll up a joint. Ralphie starts heading to the
country so we can cruise around in peace.  Emma lights the first one
and passes it to Todd and I light the second one and pass it to Emma,
we plan on getting toasty today, we head into the mountains, it's so
peaceful out here.

     And then, "Fuck man, do want to get us killed!?! You're not even
looking at the road" shouts Todd,

     "Hey maybe if you could pass a fucking joint, amateur." This was
not playful banter, this was something more serious.

     "Fuck you, amateur!?! I would say an amateur is someone who never
calls or hangs out with their supposed friends and becomes a small
town cop that takes his job too seriously!"

      "Fuck you Todd, you don't know shit about the real world, you
live in a fantasy land, you're still in high school you're not serious
about anything, in my opinion you're just as big a fuck up as I am."

     "Uh what's the matter here?" Emma chimes in.

      "I know, everyone needs to calm down, you're ruining this family
drive!" I shout jokingly. Emma is the only one who laughs, Todd and
Ralphie both shut up and Ralphie says he's sorry but he doesn't seem
to be talking to us, he seems to rather be pleading with Todd.  Todd
doesn't say anything; I guess you don't want to end communication with
Todd while you are at the police academy, noted. Emma and I look at
each and both snicker; they remind us of an old married couple.

      I mean maybe Ralphie was a prick for not calling anyone while he
was becoming a police officer, but come on it wasn't that bad, plus he
is back now with a vengeance at least with the way he has been
driving. It's fun when Ralphie drives like a maniac. Todd used to love
it when we were in Ralphie's truck whipping around these mountains, so
I don't think Todd was pissed about the driving at all, I get the
feeling he is pissed about something else entirely.

     "Hey lets go to my house, no one is home right now, and Ralph,
I'm sure you don't want to drive anymore." I state.

      "Hey, don't call me Ralph, but I am getting tired of driving."
Ralphie replies. I hope my suggestion helps Todd and Ralphie chill
out, I find that if the people I smoke with have some negativity
towards each other I feel it. Ralphie pulls up to my house and we all
pile out.  Emma smiles at me, god I swear that if I was straight, me
and Emma would be perfect for each other, it's like she knows what I'm
thinking.  She makes a crude hand gesture towards Todd, who has his
back turned towards us, I'm laughing my ass off, and so is Emma.

    Todd and Ralphie turn to us, Ralphie says, "I can't trust you two,
you're always laughing at some kind of inside joke."  I couldn't have
stated it better; Emma is my firkin platonic soul mate, she is a
barrel of goodness that guides me, we mesh so well together, we both
understand what this life is for.

More to come