Date: Thu, 3 Nov 2011 23:27:32 -0500
From: bubb bubb <acegolfking@gmail.com>
Subject: Desperate Heart

Desperate Heart
Nicholas X
Edited by Jeff Loux

This story is 100% true but names have been changed to protect the identity
of those involved. I hope you enjoy this story.

It is a drama romance erotica. There may or may not be sex. It's a journal
type story. It will be updated maybe two or three times a week depending
when I get time off work. I work odd hours so I will keep this updated as
much as I can. So sit back and relax and enjoy this story/journal.


It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love.

	I ignored my phone for the third time that day. I knew who it was,
and I couldn't bear responding to him. I was too upset to respond to him
after what he had said to me the day before. I looked at all the old
messages we sent back and forth.  There had been a lot of laughs and a lot
of anger, but it was all in good fun. I miss him and just don't understand
where it all went wrong.
	I should probably explain myself a little. My name is Nicholas X
(soon to be my real last name). The person I keep referring to is my
friend, Ryan Smith. We are both gay, and it felt to me like we were as
connected as twins, but I guess I was wrong. We had a lot in common. We
talked for hours on end, and enjoyed each other's company. That was until I
asked to date him, and he broke my heart. He said, "I don't love you, and I
can't ever say that to you." After that I found out he was dating someone
else, and I lost my chance.

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love.

	I knew I should just answer it, but I was too angry and sad to
talk, too afraid I would let my emotions get to me. The ringing finally
stopped, and I just broke down and cried some more. I knew I shouldn't cry,
but it was too hard not to. I closed my eyes hoping to get some sleep.
Between work and my sadness, I hadn't slept in days.
	I woke up to my brothers asking me what was wrong about a thousand
times too many. I had had enough and ended up screaming at them. My parents
heard and were upset at me for yelling at my brothers. I knew I couldn't
tell the truth because my family doesn't know I'm gay, and I don't plan on
telling them anytime soon. I went on the computer to do some art to get my
mind off everything that had been going on the past few days.
	My parents yelled at me that it was time to eat, and I knew better
then to take so long. I went down to the table and ate quietly hoping the
meal would go faster and no one would talk to me. My parents seemed like
they couldn't care less about me and talked to my brothers throughout
dinner. I was gonna say something until I heard the faint noise of...

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses

	"Nicky's got a Boyfriend," my little brother mocked. "I DO NOT!" I
yelled back. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
	I was getting up when my dad shouted for us to both sit back down.
	"Listen,Daniel. He's not some fairy little faggot queer so don't
ever joke about something like that," my dad said.
	"He's right, honey. They are not what god wanted on his green
earth," my mom piped in.
	I lost my appetite from all the commotion and was going to bed when
my dad said he wanted to talk to me. I rolled my eyes and knew this was
going to take forever. About a hour later, after the same old speech of "I
am the older brother and need to take care of them," I was in my bed ready
to lie down. I closed my eyes for a second, and my phone went off again. I
decided I was just going to tell him how I felt, but I ended up screaming
and crying until I had nothing left.
	"Well, I am sorry if you loved me but I just can't say 'I love you'
to you," Ryan said.
 	"Why can't you?" I responded in a haste.
 	"I just can't. I just can't see us together ever. You're not my
type" Ryan said coldly. "I can be a real asshole sometimes, and I don't
want you to be part of it.
	I didn't speak. I knew I would only start crying. I was about to
say something when he interrupted me. "Listen. I only called for one
reason," Ryan said. "I want you to stop thinking about us as a couple and
everything. I am with someone now, and its horrible you would say you love
me and stuff even though I am with someone I love more than ever."
	I didn't breathe. I couldn't say a word I was crying so hard. Ryan
hung up after that, and I lay on my bed crying for the rest of the night. I
knew I couldn't have him back, but he was the only man who knew I was gay
and was there for me, and I loved. I couldn't stop crying. I was absolutely
crushed. I cried myself to sleep sometime late in the night and knew that I
had to get over this soon, or I might never sleep again.
	I woke up so late the next day that no one was in the house. I
decided to go out for a walk to clear my head I put on my coat and cried a
little still feeling the pain in my heart. I walked out the door and looked
back knowing,if I didn't come back, no one would miss me. I thought about
moving out, moving far away, but it wouldn't matter. I looked forward and
started walking.


	If you like this email me at Rainbowart@live.com