Date: Sat, 25 Apr 1998 12:00:14 -0300
From: rd3b@traveller.com
Subject: The Cost of Being Gay

April 23, 1998

The Cost Of Being Gay
By Martin Miller

	Before Friday rolled around, I had a steady visit from the guys
next door. Robert wanted to know what Nylin and I talked about, and James
wanted to know what Nylin and Robert and I talked about. The most apparent
thing was that Nylin was looking for a friend and Robert and James thought
he would reveal something about them they didn't want me to know. I found
being in the middle of this triumvirate a little uncomfortable. I found
Nylin fascinating because of his boldness. I wasn't sure about his
intellect because of that boldness. I thought Robert and James were a lot
more involved than they wanted me to know. I visited the bushes by the
bedroom windows several times, but I didn't see anything educational.
	Late Friday afternoon we walked up to the bowling alley. He smoked
constantly from a pack of Marlboro cigarettes. I stayed four feet away from
him, and he seemed to realize I hated to smell the things. We did manage to
keep a conversation up. He talked a little about things he liked. It was
the first time sex wasn't the main topic with everything else flowing
around it. I missed the constant erection I usually had when I was with
Nylin.
	He wore those silly little boy pants with the elastic around the
top. I'd figure out why he liked those later that evening. It made him look
ten years old, and that made me nervous. I knew he was soon to be fifteen,
but he just didn't look it to me. I still found myself watching him closely
and feeling like I wanted to touch him and get naked with him as I pictured
him getting fucked by James as he blew Robert. I wasn't sure why, but I
kept seeing him naked with me. My dick did get hard after that.
	He was coming off the alley after throwing a gutter ball when the
complications set in.
	"Hey you little faggot. They let you in here?"
	Everyone within five lanes turned to look at the tall boy standing
in front of our alley.
	"You bowling with this little cock sucker, Martin?"
	I knew the face. It was the younger brother of a kid I went to
school with. His brother was a nice guy. I couldn't say the same for him.
	"Why don't you walk away? Just walk away, okay."
	"You with him. I thought you was cool? Wait till I tell my
brother."
	"They say there is only one way to know for sure. They say if you
know for sure, you have to be doing it together. Something like it takes
one to know one, they say. You telling me you are a cock sucker? Is that
what you want us to believe here? You been sucking cock? I think maybe I
should be having the talk with your brother."
	"Fuck you, Martin. I know what he is."  "You're a big mouth. I
think of the two possibilities here, that annoys me most. Get lost you
little asshole," I stood up as I spoke and walked toward him and his two
very short companions. "I'd be careful of this one little boys, seems to
have sucking cock on his mind. Better watch your zippers around this one,"
I said, looking up at the tall skinny boy as I stepped up on the step where
he stood.
	He was turning red as he beat a retreat being out gunned by my
mouth. I felt very uncomfortable as everyone around the lanes seemed to
have forgotten the charges and had become amused by our little exchange of
words. Nylin had shrunk down in the hard plastic seat beside the isle. It
made him look even smaller and younger than he already looked.
	"Thanks. Never had anyone take up for me."
	"Yeah! I hate guys that think they know everything."
	"He knows," Nylin said.
	"What?"
	"He said, suck my dick. I said okay. Behind the junior high school.
Didn't know he was so upset about it. Came back for repeats the last few
days."
	"You blew him?" I asked.
	"Sure. Nice dick. Really gets off. I don't know why he is so mouthy
tonight. Must have bit him."
	"He just figured out you are gay," I said. "He must be a little
slow. He should have figured it out when his dick was in your mouth," I
said, not being polite about it.
	"I don't think he was thinking too good right then by the way he
reacted," Nylin said, as I got up to bowl feeling really uncomfortable.
	We got cokes to go because I didn't want to be seen there, with
him, by anyone else he'd been with. I still looked at a little boy and
found it hard to believe he'd been with guys I knew.
	"Why do you do it?" I asked.
	"What's that?"
	"Guys like that. What do you see in him.? Why would you risk it by
doing something with him?"
	"Ever seen his body?" Nylin asked."The way he strutts around
showing off his dick? He wanted to do it. Why not?"
	"I haven't seen his body, and why not is because of scenes like
that. He's a little young isn't he?"
	"He's almost fourteen. He's in my gym class. He's got a nice dick.
We have lockers next to each other. He caught me checking him out. He made
sure I got my eye full. Said, why don't you suck my dick, Nylin. I asked
him when and where. In art class he asked me when and where. I told him to
come to my house, but he wanted to meet behind the junior high school where
he knew a place. Just unzipped his pants, but he almost fell down when he
shot off. He beat a retreat but asked me a couple more times to meet
him. Came by the house last time. Played with me while I blew him."
	"Now he's going to spread it around school," I said.
	"I don't know. You put a crimp in his style. You see the way those
two little boys looked at him. He was a big shot when he came in, and left
two feet tall. You did good, Martin. Why? You a faggot or something?"
	"I hate people that pick on other people. What I am will never
change that," I said.
	"You fight him for me?" Nylin asked, looking at me funny.
	"Not if I could out talk him. He's a little boy. I've known him
since he was five. I'm not violent. I think most difficulties can be solved
if you talk about it. I just talked faster than he did. I never thought he
thought he could kick my ass."
	"Even if you are a faggot talking to a bigot, you woulld fight
him?"
	"I've never had the experience," I said, as Nylin put his hand in
mine.
	"I think you just did," he said. "Where do you know Jimmy from?"
	"I go to school with his brother. I used go to Sunday school with
both of them. I'm sure I'll hear about it."
	"Sorry. I don't usually have any friends. Never thought I'd be
causing you trouble. It was my intention."
	"Why are you holding my hand?" I asked.
	"I thought you were holding mine," he said, as he dropped my hand.
	"Why do you act like that?" I said, as we turned off the highway on
to the back road that led to our street.
	"What? I thought you were holding my hand," he said.
	"Not that. Why do you do stuff with anyone."
	"Wasn't anyone. Was him. He said to do it, why shouldn't I? I
wanted to do it, so I did it. That's all."
	"Now you've got to live with it," I said.
	"So. Once you have a reputation the offers flood in," Nylin said.
"You don't know what it is like. I feel powerful. He's crying about it
tonight, next week, he'll be wanting to meet me. Guys that age always want
it. They just can't deal with thinking about the implications."
	"Which are?"
	"Fuck, Martin. Everyone likes sex. Everyone wants it. I give them a
way to do it. They get so excited they forget about all the crap that's
laid on them saying you aren't supposed to feel that good. Once you get
them started, they can't wait to pump out the come. Weren't you horny when
you were my age?"
	"I am your age, and I don't know anyone that horny to risk
everything for it.."
	"You're old, Martin."
	"Thanks. I've got a feeling I'll age fast if I hang around your
overssexed ass. You're a nypho," I said.
	"What's that?"
	"Sex crazy," I said.
	"Yeah! That's me," he said, putting his hand in my pocket to see if
I was hard. I was from thinking about him doing it with other guys.
	"You seem to have something on your mind," he said, closing his
hand on my erection. "You want I should take care of that for you before
you have to do it yourself?"
	"No!"
	"You don't like me any more?" He asked.
	"I didn't say that. I think sex should be more than just an
orgasm," I said.
	"It would be with you. You a vigin, Martin?"
	"No, Nylin. I'm not a virgin," I said firmly.
	"You ever been with a girl?"
	Nylin had managed to corner me in the middle of the road walking
down behind our houses. I had made up my mind not to lie about my
sexuality, and here I was thinking about lying to him to protect myself.
	"No," I said. "Happy?"
	"You gay, Martin?"
	"Look Nylin, what you are, who you are, I could never be like that.
I like guys. I don't want to be with all of them. I want to be with someone
that wants to be with me."
	"I want to be with you," Nylin said.
	"You want to be with everyone," I said.
	"No. Just most of them. Makes me feel wanted."
	"What difference does it make if you are with one guy, in his arms,
being loved, or a different guy every night. It's still a matter of being
in someone's arms, isn't it."
	"If I'm with someone different every time, I don't have to worry
about rejection. I don't have to worry about him saying, get lost. I'm over
you. I'm over them. I move on. I don't get tied to anyone. Too
complicated."
	"That's the problem. I do want to be tied to someone, and only that
someone. There aren't many people I like."
	"You wouldn't suck that little boy off you had the chance?"
	"No. I wouldn't. I've known him all my life."
	"And why not?"
	I don't know why I even thought about the question. I did think
about it. I pictured the kid I saw him in the bowling alley. I didn't
remember seeing him since he was nine or ten, though I saw his brother
almost every day at school. My mind passsed through and around what I'd
done and who I'd been with, and how I felt about it. I saw Nylin kneeling
in front of that kid sucking him off.
	"I know his brother. He'd tell people I knew. I'd be labeled a
queer. That's why I wouldn't even if he wanted me to," I said, as honest as
I could be. "You can't just let guys know you'll do that. They use it
against you after they get what they want."
	"So, if you were me, and he said suck my dick, and you didn't have
all those things to worry about, you might go off behind the gym and suck
his dick? Right? It's a nice one. He loved it. I loved it. I still don't
know why not."
	"So what? He didn't. I wouldn't. I'm not you," I said, wondering
what it would be like to suck someone off I didn't even know or care about.
	"Only because you can't you don't. I don't think I'm all that big a
ho. I think everyone is a ho. They just are afraid someone will say they
are a ho if they do what they want, so they don't. That's all. They don't,
I do. Who oses, Martin. Me? I get what I want. Him? He get's what he
wants. You. You get nothing. Who wins?"
	"I must be catching it because you are making sense to me. I must
need a drink or something," I said. "This is a small town. Guys
talk. They're going to be talking about you."
	"A drink or a blow job, maybe? We can just step into the bushes and
I can take care of your problem in about two minutes. I owe you for
protecting me," Nylin said, squeezing my erection yet another time as he
rubbed his own bulging pants.
	"Don't do that?" I said.
	"Why. You hate it?"
	"No. I like it, and I don't want you convincing me I'm like you.
How many other guys from your school have you done something with? How many
guys you going to blow tonight?"
	"I don't know. I don't count," Nylin said. "Right now. Just you.
I'll take care of your problem. I'll take the bulge out of your pants.
	"You going to do it with that kid again?" I asked.
	"Sure. When he comes back for more. He loves it. I think that's
what pissed him off."
	"Why?"
	"To make them want it. I don't know. It's power."
	"Until someone kicks your ass or worse. I'm not going to always be
around," I said. "They might not always be little kids."
	"I've always managed. Never had any trouble yet. Kicking my ass
isn't what they usually have in mind anyway," he said. "They talk a lot.
Make noise, and come back for more a few days later. Want to see it hard,"
Nylin asked while keeping his hand in my pocket.
	"I've already seen it hard," I said, not thinking that it was
through his window that I saw it.
	"No you didn't. It was only half hard then. I didn't want to
totally freak you out the first time. I'm about as big as you. Maybe you're
a little wider. I guess I could get you a bit more turned on with something
other than my hand," he said. "When you come down to it, I'm bigger than
you because I'm smaller than you."
	"You sure are, but it has nothing to do with size," I said.
	"No. I like big ones. Not like Robert. James is about right. You're
about right. I could make you feel really good before we head home," he
said. "I would really like making you feel good."
	"I don't think so, Nylin. It's like standing in line with you. It's
not what I'm looking for. Getting a good blow job would be great, but not
the way you want to do it."
	"I need to come," he said. "I don't want to be too easy when I get
home to the boys. I can jack off while I'm blowing you, or I can just jack
off."
	Nylin held my cock though my pocked and he slipped the elastic of
his jeans down under his balls. This forced his equipment to stand straight
out of his thick black pubes. It was impossible not to watch his hand, but
I had trouble not looking at hard cocks any time I was around one. I guess
his was no different. He didn't seem to care if I watched him or not, and
his hand worked up and done over his shaft as he squeezed me in a rhythmic
way.
	"Want to touch it," he said, as his hand slowed down.
	I did want to touch it, but I couldn't say the words. My mouth was
dry, my dick was hard, and I was feeling a bit faint as his hand held fast
to my dick
	"It's okay," he said, "Let's make it fast. Someone will drive down
here sooner or later."
	He was hot and very hard. He took my wrist and put my hand on his
cock. I squeezed it like he squeezed me. It was hot and moist and exciting.
I felt up the shaft to feel the ridges around his nice cock head before
letting it go. His balls were inviting and I felt the big hairless sac
thinking there was room for a couple more balls in there. Before I moved my
hand he was jacking off again as we strolled down the middle of the old
asphalt road.
	"Hold up just a second," he said, as his hand started moving very
fast. The white liquid shot out in front of us. I could hear him breathing
hard as we watched his come splatter on the black street. It was creamy but
not as thick as mine.
	"You sure you don't want me to blow you or something?" Nylin asked.
"You feel ready for something. You need my lips to work it over. You won't
be sorry."
	"No. You just shot off. You don't ever get tired of doing it?" I
asked.
	"No. Not yet. I don't get tired of sex."
	I really figured I shouldn't like Nylin, but I did. There was
something pretty direct and honest about him. I have no trouble believing
he could get what he wanted with his approach. It just wasn't something I
could do. I think I wanted to be like him, but I didn't want to be like him
if you know what I mean. Nylin was a confusing person to be around. He was
fourteen going on forty.