Date: Wed, 8 Jul 2009 08:52:37 -0700 (PDT)
From: valor augustus <valor_101@yahoo.com>
Subject: Down and Out Chapter 3

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I, the author, retain all rights to this story. Rights are granted to only
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mirror sites. This short story is not to be published anywhere else online.

Down and Out
Chapter Three

Depeche Mode plays in the background waking me up from my sleep. The damn
alarm is set for 4:30 am... who wakes up this early!?!?! In spite of how
early it is I have never slept so well as I did this night. To fall asleep
in the arms of someone you love is the most addictively intoxicating
feeling. So why am I waking with an empty feeling inside my chest?

There's nobody here with me, only an envelope with my name on it. As I
begin to pull myself out of bed I realise Im still in Jakob's room, and he
is nowhere to be seen. After a minor inspection of the envelope that now
sits in my hand I open it to reveal a letter written by Jakob. My heart
sinks after reading the first words on the page, its never a good thing
when the letter starts off with "Im sorry".

"Jeremy,
	Im sorry for not being there with you. We need to talk. If we are
going to get serious with our relationship then there are some things you
need to know about me. Things I keep hidden from everyone, things that
might even scare you away. (this part is scratched out and unreadable) Im
in the barn, please come find me when you are ready."

Ok, now what? Do I go to the barn to find out what the hell is going on? Or
do I leave and save myself from whatever lurks out there? I'll be damned if
my curiosity didn't get the better of me, damn this curiosity, damn it to
hell. Why I was born with a natural thirst for mysteries I will never know!

The walk to the barn is torturous due to all of the thoughts running
through my head. Im curious yet scared... what is it that he might say that
will scare me? Theres so many possible outcomes, too many things that can
happen... but what?

I reach the barn and I dont see him anywhere, thats when I notice that
theres a set of stairs leading up to a second floor of the structure. I
make the climb up and sure enough he's sitting on an old couch in the
middle of the room. This section of the barn is actually really
cool... theres two old couches surrounding a makeshift coffee table with a
rug beneath it. I see a mini fridge next to the coffee table with a lamp on
top, a locker trunk behind the couch... im kindof envious of this little
hangout!

I sit down next to him and take his hand, he looks as though he had been
crying for a while. "Jakob, whats going on? Is everything ok?" He stands up
and walks over to the locker trunk, pulls a small metal box out from within
it, then sits back down next to me again. "Jeremy, I wasn't very clear
about how my mother died." With that he removes the lock from the small box
and hands it to me.

"Open it and look inside, but dont jump to conclusions please."

Ok, now Im really nervous and it can clearly be seen as im shaking while I
open the lid. Pink fabric? I shuffle the box around and upon closer
inspection I see that theres something beneath the cloth. "Uh...Jakob,
whats this?" I ask as I use the cloth to pick up a rusty military-grade
hunting knife. "Jeremy, my mother was murdered in front of me... it was my
dad."

"Your dad?!?!" I ask a little puzzled because until now he hadn't ever
mentioned his father. I just assumed he had passed away when Jakob was a
young boy. Either that or flat out left them like a coward. My mind quickly
thought of something so fast it was as though a light switch had been
switched on... this wasn't a RUSTY knife I currently hold in my hand, it
was a BLOODY knife!!!

Jacob just sat there and watched me as I jumped up and dropped the knife to
the floor. "Why was I just holding the knife that was used to kill your
mother!?! And why is there still blood on it!?!?! What the hell!!!"  I had
always heard of murders like this, read about them in magazines, on tv in
the news, but never had anything like this hit so close to home.

As soon as he saw that I had thrown the knife, he was quickly on his way to
retrieve it. Wrapping it back up in its cloth he stood and stared right
into my eyes, I could see both anger and pain there. He said "The blood on
this knife is the only thing I have left of my mother. Of her life. Even
though it was used to take that life, its all I have."

I very much felt like an asshole at that moment for what I said. It
obviously hurt his feelings and made him mad at me, and it hurt me that I
had done that. "Jakob, I'm sorry. I understand why you kept the
knife. Please sit down with me for a second." I saw his face, the
expression didn't change. He was fairly upset with me at the moment... but
he still came over to sit next to me.

"Jacob, I know you think that the knife inside that box is the last thing
you have of your mother, but you have more than you realise."

He gave me this rather harsh, questioning look. "And what might that be?"

I reached over and asked him for the knife, handing it to me I held it up
and pointed to the blood. "This is your mothers blood, right?" The look on
his face seamed to get more and more frustrated as the seconds passed. "Yes
it is." he said while crossing his arms.

"Jakob, your mother gave you the best gift she could ever possibly give you
the day you were born. She gave you a part of herself. Simply by giving you
life she passed on a piece of her soul to you. Its her blood that runs
through your vains, Jakob. Her blood is fueling your heart and its what has
been keeping you strong your entire life. Half of you is in fact, your
mother."

 Jakob's anger instantly faded and turned to fear. "Oh my God! Jeremy, are
you telling me that my Dad's blood is in me too!?!?! I don't want to turn
into a killer! I don... I can't...NO! I don't want to ...."

"Jakob! Jakob, slow down a second. You are NOT your father! You're father
must have had something wrong with him in order to do the horrible things
he did, thats not you! You're a sweet man who's compassionate and
caring. You are more of your mother than your father. Your mother is the
one who carried you for nine months, not your father..." He cut me off.

"Jeremy, you don't understand! My father was normal! He was always a nice
guy, someone who would do anything for anyone if they needed help! He was
alw.."

"Yes, but Jakob, was he happy?"

"huh? .....I don't think... No. He was always just there. He never showed
that he was happy unless he was with his friends."

"Thats what the problem was. He was never happy, and it sounds to me like
he just snapped one day! Now, let me ask you this. Are you happy, Jakob? I
mean, aside from losing your mother, which is terrible, are you happy with
your life?"

Silence. I stayed right where I was and just tried to figure out what he
was thinking by the expressions he made. His eyes were the key. He looked
around the room with a sence of fear in his eyes, then he glanced at
me. His look of fear softened as his eyes pressed into mine. A small smile
creeped onto his lips, and then he whispered to me "I am now. Now that I
have you here with me." I leaned in and kissed him, ever so gently.

"Jeremy, can we take a walk? Theres something else I would like to show
you, but this time its something pleasent. I promise!" He reached out and
took my hand and pulled me up to a standing position, our noses bumping as
I was rising up above him. I mumbled out an "Ouch!" as I was giggling, it
kindof hurt but was funny at the same time. "Sorry!" was all Jakob said as
he placed both hands on my chest and leaned into me, as if asking me to
hold him in my arms. So thats exactly what I did.

"Jakob, you are not your father, ok? I want you to remember what I said the
next time that thought goes through your head." I felt him remove his hands
from my chest and wrap them around me. He snuggled his head into my
shoulder and I could swear I heard him sniffle. "Jeremy, you know my mother
wasn't born in Deutchland, she was born here. In fact she was born here on
this farm."

"No kidding?" I mustered out.

"Yeah, thats the next thing I want to show you. Come with me!" He grabbed
my hand and practically pulled me down the stairs and out of the barn. We
walked outwards away from the house and away from the road heading straight
for a tree that was in the middle of this giant field. Its amazing, there's
this apple tree growing here in the middle of this field with absolutely
nothing around it!

"This apple tree was born the same day as my mother. Only a few hours after
my grandmother had my mom, my great aunt stayed with my grandmother and her
baby while my grandfather walked this field. He was eating an apple that he
had bought the previous day from the local market. He was actually out here
searching for a good place to bury a box full of blood-soiled blankets that
were used during the birthing.

I was listening carefully to what he was saying, his story was interesting
to me. "Yeah, then what happened?" I asked him.

"Well, he finished his apple right here, and seeing it as a good place he
dug a good sized hole and dropped the box in. What he didnt realise is that
the apple core he had finished fell in with the box and he covered both the
apple and the box with soil and left it alone. Skip ahead a few years,
twenty-two years to be exact. My mother had come back here from Deutchland
to give birth to me."

"Wow, she really came all the way back here from Germany to have you?" I
asked.

Jakob continued "Yeah, she really wanted to be with her dad when she had
me. Anyways, the day she brought me back from the hospital she was walking
around out here with me in her arms. She stood here looking at the tree
that was symbol of her birth. Thats when she noticed THAT" Jakob pointed to
a section of the tree that was about ten feet from the ground.

"That, Jeremy, is the metal box that my grandfather burried that had the
bloody blankets in it. Theres still some pieces of them left in there. Its
hard to believe that the tree, while it was growing, pushed the box out of
the ground and the trunk grew around the box fusing the two together."

I was confused so I had to speak up "Jakob, if the tree and box are fused
together, how do you know theres still some fragments of the blankets still
in there?"

"My aunt told me the story of how it got there, the same story I just told
you, just a few days after I got here. I was so curious about it that I
took some tools and climbed up there and forced part of the lid open. I
could see two different colors of cloth in there, pink and blue. I guess
they got both pink and blue because they didn't know if they were having a
boy or girl."

"Makes sence" I chimed in. "Jakob, Ive got an idea. Did you get to attend
your mothers funeral?"

"No, they wouldn't let me go. I wanted to be one of the guys who helped
carry the casket." He said.

"You mean a Pallbearer? They are the ones who carry the coffin from the
herse to the burying field."

"Yeah, one of those guys. They said I was too young, even at 15. That it
was a role for the adults in the family."

"I see. Well, fuck 'em. Jakob, come with me."

"Where are we going? What are we doing?"

"You'll see" I said. He and I walked all the way back to the barn, took a
good twenty minutes to reach it from the tree. When we reached the barn I
told Jakob to go inside and change clothes, that he needs to "dress to
impress". He was confused by my use of this phrase so I had to explain to
him what it meant. So off he went inside the house while I made my way into
the barn.

I reached the top of the stairs and guided my way to the box which
contained the knife. I picked it up and took another look inside, pink
fabric. Ding! light switch flipped on again! The pink fabric in the box,
could this be a piece of the fabric from the box attatched to the tree?
Wow, I cant believe I didnt think of this til now!

I took the box and placed a hammer in with the knife. Glancing around I
found that there was an old t-shirt in the corner of the room on the floor,
so I used it to cover the box. I tucked it under my arm and exited the barn
to be greeted by Jakob who was just coming out of the house. Wow he looked
great in a suit and tie!

"So, tell me Jeremy, why did I have to put my suit on just now?"

"Jakob, come with me. I promise, this is something that you need to
do. This is step one in your recovery."

"Recovery?" He glanced at me with confused eyes. I led the way back to the
tree, no conversation was made during the walk. Halfway there I looked over
at him, head down with his eyes glued to the ground. I guess he could sence
that I was staring at him because he looked up and caught our eyes in a
lock. I gave him a small smile for reassurance.

A few minutes later we arrived at the tree's base. Jakob stood there
looking at the box that was protruding out from the side, he was fixed
there for so long that he didn't even notice that I had opened the box
containing the knife. I took the knife and the hammer out and held them in
my hands. I walked over between Jakob and the tree and stood there silent
and still. Thats when he noticed me.

"Jeremy, what are you doing with the knife?"

"Jakob, sweetheart, for you to be able to go on with your life you must
first be allowed to properly say goodbye to your mother. I think thats why
you are having such a hard time letting go of her."

"I think your right. Why did you just call me sweetheart?" Jakob asked.

Without any hesitation in my voice I asked him "Isn't it obvious?"

Jakob stood there and slowly a smile crept onto his face, but it soon faded
when his eyes again rediverted towards the knife in my hands. I walked over
to a location beside the tree where there was a large portion of the tree's
root that was growing out of the ground. I stood in front of it and turned
towards Jakob and began.

"We are gathered here today to celebrate a life lost. She was a beautiful
and nobal woman, but first and most importantly... she was a loving
mother. A mother who was forcably and mercilessly taken from her only
son. The man she loved and claimed as her husband betrayed her and robbed
her of her life before it was her time."

Jakob's reaction to what I had just said was painfully clear, he was mad. I
could see it in his eyes, he was at that point thats just passed pissed
off. This is good, I remember when I lost my dad. When it came time for me
to finally recover from my loss, anger was the first emotion to present
itself. I continued...

"While this was a horrific and terrible trajedy, it is not without a happy
ending. Any sin, any wrong doing that she may have ever commited in her
lifetime, any lies she may have ever told, are all hereby washed away
entirely. Her soul is now cleansed and now currently resides in Heaven
where she was greeted by God with open arms."

I never broke eye contact with Jakob, I watched as his reactions went from
anger to sorrow. My goal is to help him achieve contentiveness. While he
may have one learned to cope with this ordeal someday, it doesn't even
begin to compare to the healing power of getting an actual chance to say
goodbye. The soothing qualities that closure can bring are
unsurpassed. Again I continued...

"To the world I say this: We have lost a great woman and the world will be
a little less bright without her among us. She will be missed. To her son,
Jakob, I say to you: You have lost a loving mother, and not a day will go
by that you wont miss her or think of her, but you have gained an Angel in
Heaven who is certain to be watching over you for the rest of your
life. You may be without her physically, but her spirit will live on
forever. Now, Jakob, I invite you to say a few words."

Jakob looked so emotionally drained as he took center stage in front of the
big apple tree that towered above us. He found his place and turned around
to face me. His eyes met mine and we shared a brief moment of silent
understanding. I lightly nodded my head in assurance that it was safe to
open up and say whatever he wants. With tears staining his cheeks he nodded
back at me, he then lowered his stare towards the ground just before
speaking.

"Mom, you were my best friend, if ever I was sad you would always be there
to comfort me. It was because of you that I am who I am today. You were so
supportive of me when I told you I was gay, I doubt that I would be as
comfortable with myself as I am now without you being by my side. I love
you, and I've missed you so much that I've spent many nights crying myself
to sleep."

Jakob looks to me and signals that he is finished. I retake my place by the
tree and finish my service with a prayer. The singing of the "Kaddish" at a
burial service is a custom within Jewdaism, and since Jakob doesn't know
the words I feel honored that I get to sing it for him in tribute to his
mother:

The Kaddish (Prayer For The Dead) Yitgaddal veyitqaddash shmeh rabba
Be?alma di vra khir'uteh veyamlikh malkhuteh [veyatzmakh purqaneh viqarev
(Ketz) meshikheh] bekhayekhon uvyomekhon uvkhaye dekhol bet yisrael
be?agala uvizman qariv ve?imru amen yehe shmeh rabba mevarakh le?alam
ul?alme ?almaya Yitbarakh veyishtabbakh veyitpaar veyitromam veyitnasse
veyithaddar veyit?alle veyithallal shmeh dequdsha, brikh hu le?ella (l?ella
mikkol) min kol birkhata veshirata tushbekhata venekhemata daamiran bealma
ve?imru amen


Jakob's sobbing now, he knows that whats coming next is the moment he must
say goodbye.

He looks up at me with his free-flowing eyes and asks "What do we do next?"

I walk over to him and cup the side of his face in my hand to show him my
support. "Its time to bid your Mom her final fairwell. Come with me." I
guide him over to the section of exposed roots and we take a squatting
position on either side of it.

"Jakob, this tree saw the birth of your mother, and so shall it see her
death. Above us we see the box that contains the blankets that helped to
bring her into this world. Below us, here in the root of this tree, we
shall imbead the knife that helped to remove her from it. Here's the
hunting knife, you get the honor of driving it into the root."

Jakob picked up the hammer in his right hand and the knife in his left. He
held it straight and began hammering the top of the handle. It took him
quite a long time to hammer the blade into the tree's root, but when he was
done it was a good 3 1/2 inches deep and showed no sign of movement or
budging. it wasn't going anywhere.

We both stood up and took a few steps to the front of the tree and turned
to face it. We just stared at it in amazement The blankets that brought her
into this world up on top, and the knife that killed her down at the
bottom. Jakob spoke up and said "Its quite poetic, how did you think of
this? I mean, I never would have thought of something even close to this!"

"Believe it or not, it just came to me... and I dont know why or how."

"Jeremy, do you really think my mother is an Angel in Heaven? Do you really
think she's watching over me?" Jakob asked, uncertainty in his voice.

"I very much believe that she is. I really do.... One question though
Jakob, do you think your mother would have liked me? I mean, if she were
given the opportunity to meet me before?"

"Jeremy, after what you just did for me today, it would't surprise me if
she was up there planning our wedding already!" Jakob said with a big
laugh!

"I just wish there was a way to know for certain how she felt about you and
me being together. I mean, I wish there was a sign or something!"

The moment I finished speaking I took Jakobs hand in mine and just stood
there looking into his eyes. A gust of wind blew through the field, strong
enough to knock over the box that once held the knife. In doing so, it
caused the pink piece of cloth from within to come flying out. As we were
staring into eachothers eyes, the pink cloth flew over and got cought on
our hands that were clasped together.

Jakob and I both looked down to see the piece of cloth that was being
pressed against our hands by the flowing wind. He looked back up at me and
asked "Is that a good enough sign for you?"

The End

__________________________________________

Please write to me at valor_101@yahoo.com and let me know if my story was
any good. If you hated it, at least be nice about it, this is only the
first story i've ever written after all!

There are absolutely NO truths to this work of fiction. Any similarities to
any place or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.