Date: Sat, 22 May 2004 18:59:06 -0700 (PDT)
From: Jay Winton <spokenword87@yahoo.com>
Subject: erik's song 8

Sorry, sorry, sorry....here you go....


	I just stood there...after putting Julian to sleep. I stood in my
room, I couldn't speak, nor talk. I didn't want to be where I was, but my
feet were not getting the signal to get out of this situation. I wanted to
live so badly, but I knew that I had to stay for Julian, for my mom, for my
family...for myself.

I didn't even remember going to sleep, I didn't remember were I was when I
awoke to the sound of water running, I looked at the clock and saw it read
5:45am.

"Sounds like mom is getting ready to go to work." My step-dad said from a
corner in my room.

"What the fuck do you want?" I asked him, more like spat at him.

"Please Jay, do not speak a word of this to anyone, I was drunk and..." he
said. I kind of felt sorry for him.

"Fuck off, I'll tell the whole world if I have too." I said again.

"Please don't" He said as he started to rise from his seat and heading to
the door, " I'm sorry...I love you son" he said as he shut the door behind
him. I slammed my head down on my rusty, squeaky stupid futon and started
to cry.

After about an hour just laying there...gazing at the ceiling. I wiped my
tears and pulled on the same jeans that I had on the night before. I
shuddered when I pulled them up and picked up the nearest shirt and put it
on, slung my back pack on and went out my window.

I walked into the school and went right to my ususal spot by the side
entrance and sat there. Until I realized that I had to look and hear the
comments of Stephen and Amanda, I was content. I got up from my spot and
tried to walk of as fast as I could, but I wasn't fast enough.

" So, Jay...who did you fuck this weekend." I heard Stephen say.

" Go to hell." I spat at him, "I'm not in the mood for your shit."

" Whatever, you probably fucked the whole swim team huh?" Amanda asked.

"Yea ok, and this is why I hate heterosexuals, they don't know when to shut
the fuck up" I yelled at them, as I brushed past them both. I did not want
to be at that school, I wasn't even there more than 5 minutes and I already
wanted to leave...atleast I haven't seen- "Hey dude" A voice said behind
me. Shit, I thought to myself...

"What happened last night?" He asked me, "I was trying to call you, but you
didn't answer your cell phone."

"Yea, umm...something came up, I'm sorry" I said...half stuttering on the
words.

"what's wrong?" he asked me.

"Nothing I'm fine." I replied with a fake smile. He grabbed my arm, and
pulled me into the spanish hallway.

"Jay, babe seriously what's wrong?" he asked again. For some reason I was
mad.

" DO NOT CALL ME BABE!, WE"RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER!" I yelled at him, as I
yanked my arm out of his hold. He gave me the sadest look ever, that
shattered my heart.

"Look, Erik, I'm really sorry, but there's nothing wrong." I said again. I
could tell he didn't buy it. He grabbed my arm again and pulled me outside.

"Let's go, I don't want to be here right now" He said with a smile. I
smiled back, and started walking with him.

"So, Jay, babe come on, talk to me...what's really going on?" He asked
again as we were walking to the spot he had taken me hours before.

"Nothing, Erik...well nothing I want to talk about right now." I replied as
I squeezed his hand. He smiled at me and squeezed back as we continued to
walk.

We arrived at the place, he sat down in the grass as I stood there looking
down at him.

" You, want to sit down." He asked? I sighed and sat down next with
him. Come on Jay, pull it together, this is your fucking crush, pull it
together.

"You look really cute today" He commented on.

"Thank you" I said "you look really nice today too" I said. He smiled at me
and thanked me as he scooted closer to me. I could feel my heart beating,
and my body shaking.

"Jay?" I heard Erik say. He came up closer and put his arm around
me. Flashbacks came back to me, like a bullet to the head...I had
snapped. I knew I did, because they next thing I knew...Erik was on the
floor crying and bleeding from his nose and lip.

"Erik!"

"Get the fuck away from me!" He screamd at me as he scooted closer to a
tree, and cried when his back reached it's bark.

"Erik..." I said as I came closer to him, I could see the fear in his eyes
as I approached, and it pained me so much.

"I'm suppose to be your boyfriend!" He spat at me. I was stunned.

"Your...your...what?" I said, half shocked half tramatized.

"My boyfriend, I wanted to ask you out just now, but u spazed out on me
when I wrapped my arm around your shoulder." He said through sobs.

"I'm sorry Erik." I said as I knelt down to my knees and felt tears well up
in my eyes.

"What the fuck is going on?" He demanded...

"Erik...my step-dad...no I can't say it." I said, trying to get out of
telling him

"Tell me! Or I'm gone" he said raising to his feet.

"He raped me ok!, are u happy that you know now?" I yelled at him, as I
turned on my heels and ran home.