Date: Tue, 10 Apr 2007 00:21:33 -0700
From: Samuel Forte' III <fallenangel595@hotmail.com>
Subject: finding-andrew-chapter-25

** This story is a true story, telling of people and events that have taken
place in the last three to four years. I have the consent of the others who
are involved to use them, but no last names will be used for privacy
reasons. This story will focus around two people as they stumble upon each
during high school and find themselves falling for one another. They are
able to survive the trials, tribulations, and difficulties that are thrown
at them and from each other until everything comes to an abrupt end...All
rights to this story are mine (lol well it is based on MY experiences) so
no copying or publishing without my consent!**

			      Finding Andrew
			 Chapter 25 - Being Tough

******************************************************************************

It's been quite awhile so let's pick up a little from the last chapter:

"Would not being around Tim hurt you?" Hmm. That was an interesting
question. I had to take a few minutes to think it through. I swear it
really is crazy how many things can run through your mind in such a short
time.

"Yea. I'd probably be even worse than I've been since Andrew."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he's one of few people I can trust. If he wanted to apologize
about his little outburst and go back to being buddies I'd be happy. I
don't have many people that close to me anymore. Justin, Sean, and now
you."

"I see. Well you have to do what you think is best."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Tim may do you more damage than good by being so close and yet so far." I
knew exactly what he meant by that. I needed no further explanation. He
dropped the subject and we chatted about a few other topics. Afterwards, I
drove home and pulled out my cell phone. I had made up my mind on what to
do. I dialed the numbers and waited for Tim to pick up.

And now continuing on with the story:

******************************************************************************

          I let it ring twice and hit end. I panicked. Usually when it came
to making a decision, I was very clear on what I planned to do. My mind was
swimming because I had no idea what I should do.  Well I knew what I should
do. But not trying to hurt people has it's own set of faults. The main one
being that you would sacrifice your morals or your own happiness not to
hurt someone. Really there is no way that I should even want to be friends
with Tim after that faithful night (much like with many of the things Mario
did) . But seeing how things had unfolded after coming out to some people,
I was so desperate to hold onto a friend even if it would bring me harm
later. It would be a decision that I would revisit later, but for the
moment I took both Jake and Justin's advice: let him go. Hard to do, but I
managed for the time being. I really had a chance to enjoy myself while
Jake was out visiting.

          For one, I got to see just how it was being around `my own'
people. I went to my first gay club, first gay event, and first lgbt
meeting. I was extremely nervous, but being around Jake gave me that
calming feeling that was very necessary for me to make it through.
Especially the club. I'm pretty sure that I tried to leave at least five
times that night. Jake kept an eye on me though, so once I got that I had a
blast. I even introduced him to Justin which went much better than I ever
thought it would. I knew that Justin was very accepting of Andrew and
myself. Jake was a little more forward and outward with being gay
though...if you saw him on the street, you could tell. And like I said
before, he is very non-caring about what people think. Something he kept
trying to pass on to me.  Justin was great about it...much appreciated.

          When he left, I was probably more confused in my thoughts. But I
was also more focused on the direction of my life. I was pretty down taking
him back to the airport because I knew two things: I made a very good
friend and that it would be awhile before I could see him again. I never
thought that the internet could provide such a good friend. As I watched
his plane leave, I thought back to a fitting memory of Andrew:

******************************************************************************

          We were at the mall just hanging out on a Saturday. It was packed
as usual and we were at the arcade. We both loved video games so it was a
good way to pass the time.  This was when I was a senior and him a
sophomore. We were playing DDR at the same time and just having a blast. A
long line to play and everyone was always standing and watching putting
added pressure on those stomping the pads. We were playing our favorite
song (Colors) and we both got an A for our final song. After a bumping of
fists, I saw two girls in a deep kiss out of the corner of my eyes. I know
Andrew saw it too because of the look of shock he had on his face. After we
sat down, he was quick to bring it up.

"Can you believe that? That takes some balls."

"Yea, it does. But I'm pretty sure there would be a different reaction of
it were two guys...say us." I said very quietly.

"I know and I hate it. I just wish we could be us. I mean, what's the big
deal about it? I feel cheated with always having to keep things so
secretive." I knew what he was getting at. If anything, I had no problem
with public affection. I'm not exactly a big fan of it, but I also don't
mind showing my boyfriend that he means more to me than the opinion of
others.

"One day dude. One day. Or maybe we can just move to San Francisco." He
laughed at that, but I could see the fear in his eyes. Andrew was terrified
of being viewed as gay.  It really hurt him for people to think less of
him, but I knew that as long as he had that kind of mind set, nothing would
change.

******************************************************************************

          I thought about it the whole way back home. The only way I was
going to move forward was with a change. A very different change
too. Andrew aside for a second, I was stuck in a little rut in life. So
used to living in secret that I wasn't really sure who exactly I was
anymore. I also knew that I needed a mental change to how I was dealing
with things. Toughness. That was the word I was looking for. No one was
going to live my life but me. I knew that in order to get my life back on
track I was going to have to be a very changed person. The old Sam died
that day.

          Things started fast. I came out to just about everyone I knew
including my family. My sister was much more accepting of it. I would love
to go into detail about it, but to be honest I'm still very bitter to the
way things went down almost two years later. It was very ugly.  Justin had
an apartment in Denver and I moved in with him to be able to really get
back to functioning again. I was very hurt by what happened, but Justin was
smart enough to not push me about it. That summer I lost a lot of
friends. I lost a lot of willpower. I lost even more of the determination
to proof people wrong which was something I had always thrived on. Justin,
Jason, Sean, and Natalie became my rocks to lean on.

          The months of August and September were really tough. I did just
about everything that I could to keep myself going. School and work. Work
and school. I even tried to get back into dating which produced a very
mixed bag of results. Being around Justin even more was a big help in
keeping me around. If it was possible, we became even better friends than
we were before. He really became my second half in a way that not even
Andrew could relate to. At one point I was coasting along just fine. I had
no idea that 2005 would turn to crap at the end.

          It was around mid-October when I talked to my mom. She was headed
out to Texas because her dad had fell and was in the hospital. That was the
good news (if there was any), because it got much worse. While in the
hospital they found that he had cancer. A VERY active case of cancer. Of
course, those words sent chills through my body for a very obvious reason.
Basically after talking to the doctor and her mom, she was going to head
out there. She was driving and it's not a short drive.  Seventeen hours. I
was going to go to because I was in the best position to go since I could
afford take time off from work and school. Long and very quiet drive.

          It was a very weird site when we made it to the hospital. I
swear, it was a very hurtful experience that whole week. The first day we
went up there, I wasn't prepared to see what I did.  Seeing Andrew, in the
hospital multiple times was one thing. I could tell my grandfather was
dying when I saw him. He had lost a lot of weight, could barely stay awake,
and couldn't remember who anyone was. My mom and grandmother were holding
onto hope, but I could see what was going to happen in the very near
future. I talked to the doctor outside of the room and he said that he was
currently in Stage 4 cancer. Basically cancer has 4 stages for those of you
that don't know. I'm pretty certain that once it hits the third one you are
kind of getting towards the end. It can be slowed somewhat, but I don't
believe that you can really control it by then. I'm not so sure about that,
but I've heard so much about cancer in the last couple of years that it
just gets jumbled at times. I should probably look that up again. I DO know
that the fourth stage is basically when you're nearing the swan song. Only
a matter of time.

          I remember standing at the end of the hall staring out of that
huge glass window wondering if this would be my future. Would I have to
suffer the same fate at the hands of cancer? How much longer could I fight
it off? Is all the treatment, chemo, etc. just delaying the inevitable? My
thoughts were very much to myself for the rest of that week. I was very
quiet much of the time. My PSP kept my mind from focusing solely on those
questions and I slept most of the days. I think that was one of the first
times that I was really concerned about my health after Andrew's
death. Better late than never I guess...

          November 4th was the day we would be headed back to Colorado.
Fitting day for many things. First and foremost, it was birthday number
20. At exactly midnight, I got a text from my sister, Jake, and Justin all
telling me happy birthday in some form. I found it funny because I was
aware of the day, but it was not on my mind at all. We left very early that
morning and something just didn't feel right. I let my mom know that we
should stay for another day. She was anxious to get me home though. She
really felt bad that I wouldn't be able to spend my birthday with my
friends.  What was more important at that point in time is for her to be
around her father since I was aware that time was running low for him. He
was going to move into a home, but I wasn't so sure he would be around that
long. I couldn't stay awake much of the way home. I was wrapped in so many
thoughts.

          When we got to my parent's house, I helped my mom unload her
stuff into the house. I told her that she should call her mom to let her
know that we made it back. She seemed really hesitant to do it, but after
my constant nagging she finally did. That was around 6 in the evening. I
was in the basement looking at the empty room which used to be mine. I
remember the reason why I wasn't there, and I just pushed the anger back
down. Things happen for a reason.  I'm sure that I would figure it out down
the road. I went upstairs at 7:51 to find my sister with very red eyes
staring back at me. I knew what happened. I pushed the door open to my
mom's room to find her an emotional wreck. No need for many details. You
know why she was crying.

          I ended up leaving an hour later. I had to be alone. I headed
home to find Justin happy to see me back. He was, until he saw the look on
my face.

"I'm sorry Sam."

"Yea, grrreat way to celebrate a birthday huh? I should be happy to turn
20, but now all I'll remember is that November 4th is the day that my
grandfather died. Just leave me alone." I walked in my room and slammed the
door shut. I just stood by the window and stared out into the night. I
never heard Justin quietly sneak into my room.

"I don't know how you do it."

"Do what?" I asked a little irritated that he had broken my train of
thought.

"Handle everything. You've had a lot on your plate all year, but you just
keep pushing on. You're a tough guy mentally."

"I'm not tough because I am, Justin. I'm tough because I have no choice." I
don't think he fully understood what I meant by that, but we did talk about
that later. To be honest that has become sort of a motto for me...that's
for later though. I talked to Jake about the situation along with Sean and
I went reverted back to my quiet self.

          I headed back out to Texas along with my family to attend the
funeral. Well to be there for it.  I couldn't go. It would bring back
Andrew and I didn't think I'd be able to handle it. I told no one that, but
my sister wasn't going either. She was scared and I don't blame her. That
day, I said very little. Too many memories of Andrew's funeral ran through
my mind the whole time out there. I was scared to say anything because I
had no idea how things would come out. I felt like they would just run out.

          I was staying at a hotel with my Aunt Deborah during our stay out
there. It was a way to be a little distanced from my parents (dad in
particular) and also be around her since it had been a long time we'd seen
each other. The hotel was very cool. It had a pool, fitness room, computer
lab, and bar/buffet. One night I was making my way to the fitness room,
when I saw two guys playing around in the pool. Both seemed to be around my
age from a distance. I smiled remembering the days of just letting loose
and having fun. It had been awhile since I got to do that. Well I was a
little surprised to see them join me on the treadmills after about half an
hour.  The oldest one introduced both of them to me and that jumpstarted a
conversation. They invited me back to their room to play X-Box. I accepted
and off we went.

          We had a blast playing until about four in the morning. We talked
a lot. I found that they were gay and were dating. They would rent a hotel
room once a month to get away from their parents and be alone together. It
was the only way they really got any privacy. And with living in a small
town, the only way they could be together without having to worry about the
whole town knowing about them. I had never really thought of that, but
living in a bigger city I never had to worry about everyone knowing. If a
few knew, it couldn't have been that bad. Colorado Springs always left me
with a chance to get away. Being in Denver with Justin, I was even less
concerned. I was more of a fly on the wall there.

          Getting home, Justin was of course happy to greet me. We talked
for a little while until I decided to catch up on sleep. I was tired and
just needed to lay down. I got back into work and school shortly after
getting back to help keep my mind clear. I thought I would eventually get
my life back to a normal routine, but again I was wrong. Jake just
disappeared for a few days. Not seen on the net, and not answering his
phone. I was worried...but that finally ended when I saw his number one
night. I don't even think I let the phone ring a second time.

"What the hell Jake! Where have you been?" I was really mad, because with
the events of that year I was going to think the worst automatically. And I
knew he would know that too.

"Sorry...I'm really sorry..." This didn't sound like Jake at all. A shaky
voice and I could tell in his tone that he was not full of that confidence
that he always had.

"What's wrong?"

"Sam, can you come out here? I really need for you to be here." His voice
was still very shaky. He seemed a lot more sure of himself though.

"How soon? What's going on?"

"I know this is going to sound weird, but I view you as my best
friend...Umm my mom...she..."

"Jake, I'm so sorry." That was something I was not expecting. And even
though I knew that he was very bitter towards his family for rejecting him,
he still cared for them very much. This was going to hurt him badly.

"Yea...I need you out here. I can't do this alone. I need help."

"Ok. I'll get a ticket and get out there as soon as I can."

"Thanks, Sam. Send me a text message once you have your info. I'm going to
head off to bed."

"Alright. Take care of yourself buddy. Don't do anything drastic. I'll try
to get something heading out in the next day or two."

"Sure." And with that the phone conversation was over. I was now flipping
roles with him. He had always played the big brother role. Now it was my
turn. This was going to be tough.

*****************************************************************************

          Not really sure what I should be putting here. I really intended
for the story to end after my grandfather's death. That was in the
beginning though. The day of his funeral is when I started writing this. I
felt that the pain that I was still feeling from Andrew's death come be
funneled out through writing. As some know, that was far from the case. And
it was just the beginning of the pain I would feel. I thought I had hit
rock bottom...and I dropped far lower.

          At some point in the next chapter or two, I'm going to have to
backtrack to explain a few people. I just skipped it for now because I
wanted to get this chapter out.  I know that it is very different from the
style of the previous chapters. Part of it is because it has been so long
since I've written in regards to the story. Part is because I'm a very
changed person these days compared to early 2006 and late 2005. All I can
is to just bear with me. This story is about to take a twist because I've
rethought how exactly this is going to end.

          Andrew will no longer be much of a focus from here on out. Now
it's going to focus more on Justin and myself. A few others both old and
new along the way. I had planned on focusing on more of coming out along
with issues at school and socially in my life leading up to my
grandfather's funeral. As a matter of fact, I had it all typed out and
ready to go. I had to let it go for awhile. Maybe later some of you could
understand why. It has eaten away at me over the last couple of months. For
reasons that you'll come to learn or maybe already know. I actually spent
my Easter weekend planning on going to Las Vegas. The weather shot my plans
and I was stuck at home thanks to the snow. I ended up doing a lot of
reading. Part of it was reading over the last 24 chapters of this long
story. Let's just say that lots of things kind of hit a nerve and this has
sat in the front of my mind for the last couple of days. This has been due
an update and more fittingly an ending for awhile. I don't know if it will
be worth it from a reader's standpoint, but I owe it to more than a few
people to finish this.

Chapter 26: Being Honest Inside, Not Out