Date: Tue, 6 Nov 2007 01:04:39 -0700
From: Samuel Forte' III <fallenangel595@hotmail.com>
Subject: finding andrew-chapter 28

** This story is a true story, telling of people and events that have taken
place in the last three to four years. I have the consent of the others who
are involved to use them, but no last names will be used for privacy
reasons. This story will focus around two people as they stumble upon each
during high school and find themselves falling for one another. They are
able to survive the trials, tribulations, and difficulties that are thrown
at them and from each other until everything comes to an abrupt end...All
rights to this story are mine (lol well it is based on MY experiences) so
no copying or publishing without my consent!**


			      Finding Andrew
		     Chapter 28 -- Hitting Rock Bottom


       I tried really hard to keep myself from cracking. Losing Jake hurt a
lot. Looking back, it really brought me even closer to Justin. With Jake
gone, I opened up more to Justin because I really had no choice. Either I
could kill myself on the inside by keeping every feeling I could muster
locked away or I could try to express them to my best friend and let him
help me to make it through the rough times. For once, I made the right
decision. Justin really was great. He knew when to ease off, but he always
kept me going. There was a time in early February where my mind really just
couldn't keep things going. I fell into that very dangerous pit of
self-reflection. I sat in my room for over three hours contemplating that
word...Justin sensed my mood at dinner and it led to a very emotional
conversation. That is way too personal to put up here. Needless to say, it
obviously did well since I'm here typing this. We both ended up in tears at
the conclusion and we didn't talk for a few days because things got really
awkward. Towards the end of that month, I decided to get back into the
"normal" world and get a "normal" job. Wrestling was great, but it is not
something you would consider normal when you think of typical jobs. Even
though I was finally being able to get my feelings under control, I needed
the extra distraction to help me get over the hump.

       At the beginning of March, I got my new job at a sports store in
Colorado Springs. Not the brightest idea with the hour drive to and from,
but the extra time that it would take was what I was looking for. Also, it
would be a way of forcing myself to interact with people. With wrestling it
was different. There would never be a big call for it as long as things
were worked out with your opponents/partners. I was interested to see if it
was possible for me to get some of my old life back.  The first month was
going great. I was slowly starting to open myself back up. Justin was proud
as he would always say, "It's about damn time loser." A joking matter of
course, but it made a little happier to see that he was happy too. We had a
weird conversation at the end of the month, but I didn't think too much of
it at the moment...if I had known what I do now, it's very possible that
things could have been very different. I was doing homework from an online
class when Justin plopped down on my bed.

"You busy Sam?"

"Even if I was you would bug me until I stopped." I said with a smirk.

"You know me so well. Good at least one of can say that." I looked up and
saw a face I could not read. I was not sure where this conversation was
going and decided to humor him.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I just wish you would talk about yourself more. Not like you're a bad
person or anything...well, you aren't. I have some questions that I want
you to answer."

"..."

"Exactly what I'm talking about. Always so secretive about things..."

"Force of habit I guess. Sometimes I don't like to talk about
everything..."

"I am your best friend. If you can't trust me, who can you trust?" He had
me there and he knew it.

"Fine...what do you want to know?"

"What is it like being gay?" That stopped my typing in my tracks. That was
not what I was expecting. I thought for a second before giving my answer.

"Not much different from what it's like to be straight. I don't feel any
different." You could see the wheels spinning as he took in the words and
formed the next question.

"What about in public?"

"It depends. I'm not the most obvious guy in the world, but I don't shy
away from it. Yea it does suck that it is frowned upon to kiss and hold
hands in public. Hell, I don't really care. I have no shame in liking
guys...and liking...well you know." My face turned red as my attempt at a
joke went bad. Justin just grinned, as he knew what I meant.

"Well let me ask you another question. How far did you and Andrew go?"

"NONE of your business you perv."

"I'm just curious on how different it is."

"It can't be that much different. You are a smart guy...you can put it
together. It's enjoyable and I'll leave it at that."

"Do you wish you were straight?" That was a question I had asked myself
tons of times over those last few years. The answer still remained the same
though.

"I'm happy with the way I am. I would have missed out on meeting some
really cool people. I have no regrets at all."

"What do you think of me?"

"No way in hell, I'm answering that question. You're straight so it
wouldn't even matter."

"I'm just curious what you think. Just in fun buddy. Nothing will change
between us I promise. Just tell me."

"Justin...drop it. We are not having this conversation."

"Ok, all you have to do is say no." We looked each other in the eye and I
got really silent. He slowly formed a grin on his face. "So I was right!
You think I'm hot don't you?" Again I sat in silence. It would be
embarrassing to admit it, but the silence was doing the same as I failed to
realize. "Wow, this is pretty awkward. My best friend is attracted to
me..."

"Ok, ok, ok. Fine I admit it. But you are straight, you have a girlfriend,
and more importantly we are best friends. I would never do anything to
compromise that. He nodded his agreement and we talked for another hour
about other things he was curious about in my "gay life". I wasn't really
comfortable talking to him about it, but he was persistent in dragging it
out of me. After it was over I let out a sigh of relief. The fact that he
wasn't thrown off by my admission made me shake my head.  I hated that he
got it out of me, but at least it was out and done with.

       It seemed like everything was going well. That was until April
4th. I was getting ready to leave work when I got a call from Justin's
mom. Nothing unusual as she had became my mom in a sense. It would be a
call that I was unprepared for. He had been going somewhere with a friend
and did not pay attention when merging onto the highway. Playing around
with the music and not having his eyes on the road got his car smashed. We
are not talking about just a big dent either. His car was done. Period. How
they were able to pry him out, I'll never know. At that point, he was in
critical condition and the doctor was not really sure how he would end
up. After hanging up, I stood there and just took it all in. Was I about to
do this again? Another loss? I cried, and I couldn't stop it. I just fell
apart as all of the memories of Andrew and Jake crept back into my
mind. Sometime much later, I was finally able to make my way back to
Denver. I was only able to see him for a few minutes as they did not want
anyone in his room. What I saw was very depressing. His face looked bad and
all of the tubes he was hooked up to only made my mind play out the worst
scenario. Going home that night was hard. Alone...it was something that I
didn't want to be. His mom called twice that night and I refused to
answer. Truthfully, I was scared. I didn't want to hear any bad news. Not
with Justin. Not after everything that he pulled me through. Losing him
would basically cause me to lose myself...


       The next day was long. I knew that he was still alive because I
called the hospital to find out.  They really aren't allowed to give that
information, but his mom got me kind of added as immediate family so I
could stay in the loop. I planned on spending as much time there as
possible. Sitting in the room as he slept the day away, I was doing the
only thing I could: hoping for the best. I never saw him awake, but I know
that he heard me talking to him. That Saturday we got great news from the
doctor. He would have to remain in the hospital for a few weeks, but he was
going to be ok. He would have to have a few surgeries and be out of any
laboring action for a long time. He was pretty down about it, but we all
were happy that he was going to be fine eventually.

       That first surgery took a lot out of him. Even though he was highly
sedated on meds, he was still in so much pain. It hurt to see, but I knew
how tough he was. He was going to suck it up and deal with it. He did move
back in around the end of the month after a very venomous lecture from his
mom. Really, I think Justin was probably wishing that he were still in the
hospital after hearing that. I did have my fair share, but I was not nearly
as harsh and mean as she was. He was stuck in bad the whole time and had to
be helped to do everything except playing games. So, I moved the 360 from
the living room to his room to help him stay entertained. I played a lot
with him and we talked a lot. His mom and girlfriend were over daily to
make sure that he was doing fine. The one big issue, in my eyes at least,
was him taking a shower. He just didn't have the energy to do it so he
needed help. Of course, he would refuse to allow his mom to do it (the
pride of a male teenager). His girlfriend had to work too much to rely on
her. That left only one person for the job.

"C'mon, Sam. It's not like you haven't seen me naked anyway." Justin
pleaded. If I didn't agree his mom was going to be the one doing it.

"It makes me feel uncomfortable."

"Just close your eyes. I don't care, just be a bud. I would do the same for
you."

"That doesn't make me feel much better about this." And it didn't matter
because I ended up doing it anyway. To say it was uncomfortable, was an
understatement. No details on this one. How we managed to get through those
days without something dumb happening I'll never know...especially when he
kept joking about it the whole time. Damn asshole lol.

       Things slowly were progressing until I detected a change. Well, to
be technical about it he had never been the same sense he got back from the
hospital. Almost as if he was not, "Justin". I didn't know what was going
on in his head, but I never forced it out of him. He got defensive whenever
I brought it up, so it got dropped most of the time. He was not really able
to move a lot himself, but he convinced me to let him do some walking
around town under my supervision. His mom never knew, but he seemed to be
doing better than either of us expected physically. That cloud hanging over
his head never went away though.

"Justin we need to talk. Something is bothering you and you need to air it
out." It was bugging me to see this and not be able to do anything about
it. We were eating dinner in his room and he ignored me as he kept his
focus on whatever show we were watching. "Justin?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I can't talk about it." I looked in his
eyes after that last sentence and for the first time in a long time, he
looked scared. What could he have to hide that was that bad?

"You can tell me anything and you know that. I just want to..."

"What, help me? You can't even help yourself." The dryness in his voice
could be detected. The words stung, but I was shocked to hear him say
that. Whether he was right or not, I never thought I would hear him say
that. I left the room and that would be all that was said between us for a
couple of days.

       Getting into May, we still were avoiding each other. I also noticed
that his girlfriend was coming over less and less. His mom was doing the
same because he was starting to push people away. One day, I stopped his
girlfriend as she was in the process of storming out of the apartment.
Maybe she knew what was going on in his head. As I called her name, she
looked at me with an enormous amount of anger. I could tell it was directed
at me.

"Screw you Sam! I hate you!" She pushed by me as she continued to the
door. As she opened it, I shoved it shut.

"Ok, let's try this again..."

"All you homos are the same. Justin is straight! Leave his ass alone. He's
mine! Damn faggots! You ruined him!" I took it all in slowly as she again
opened the door and left. To say I was mad was an understatement. I've been
called lots of things in my life, but the f-word still boils the blood even
to this day. Especially by some dumb...bite my tongue. It was my best
friend's girlfriend. Did I ever mention that we never really got along to
begin with? Yea, Justin let her know when I moved in so everything was out
in the open. Her perception of me changed almost instantly. Justin hated
that we could never get along. He was serious about her and I tried my
damndest to make it work. Not much effort from the other side, so I just
gave up after awhile. She had her good moments, but they were few and very
far between.

       Anyway, enough with my rambling. I was annoyed now. Why did Justin
tell her about my confession? Justin was going to talk and now! I stormed
into his room to find him looking hurt.

"What the hell was that, Justin? I know you heard her. What the hell is
going on in that head?" He stared back and put his head down. I slammed my
fist onto his desk, which got his attention. "No more games! Neither one of
us is leaving this room until you start talking. I don't know what is going
on with you. Honestly, it feels like you aren't even the same since that
accident. The old Justin that I was best friends with already died..."

"Is that how you feel Sam?" He asked with tears in his eyes.

"I guess it is. I don't know this Justin...and I don't want to either."

"...No one does." The emptiness he was feeling was very obvious in those
three words. The look he had was one I would never forget. Almost like he
was reaching out, but scared of doing it.

"Justin...I'm your best friend right?" He nodded his head. "Let me help
you. We can talk, whatever.  I don't like seeing you like this."

"You can't help me, not with this. This is something that I have to deal
with alone." I shook my head as I turned to leave his room. "Sam?"

"What?"

"Soon. Just give me time."

"Ok." That was all that was said on that subject. Things were awkward
between us, but I did my best to keep him active. We walked some so that he
could continue to get himself ready for his second and final surgery. We
played video games, talked about sports, and school, but he would never
talk about what he was dealing with. It was frustrating, but I thought that
waiting for him to feel comfortable would be best. That is still a decision
that I question even now.

       May 8th, 2006. Things seemed to start very normally. Justin was
quiet as usual during breakfast. He said he really didn't feel like doing
anything, which was the normal answer he had to everything. I was working a
closing shift (2 to midnight) shift that day so I would be gone most of the
day. Things were still going just fine as I started working my
shift. Justin called my job around 5pm, which was out of character for
him. I never take personal calls at work.

"Sam, I need to talk to you now. It can't wait. I can't wait anymore." He
sounded weird, for a lack of better words. He was starting to really
confuse me. Sad thing was it was not the right time.

"Justin, not now. As soon as I get home, I promise. Just hang in there."

"Can you leave work early? Please?"

"I can't. It will have to wait until I get off. I'll come straight home."

"Sure..." And he hung up the phone before I got a chance to say anything
else.

       When I got off, I called to see how he was doing. No answer. Ok,
maybe he was mad. A sensible thing to think with the way he was
acting. When I got home I went straight to his room to find him not home. I
rolled my eyes figuring that maybe he was out walking. I started to walk
back to my room, but something caught my eye. His wallet was on his
desk. He always had it. I looked closer to see that everything in it was
gone. Credit card, license, money, everything. I was starting to worry. I
rushed to my room to turn my computer on to find that he had withdrawn his
entire share of our joint account. I raced downstairs back to my car. I
called his mom to let her know what I thought was going on. She called the
cops as I searched high and low for him. Denver is not a small city. I was
out for almost five hours frantically looking for him to no avail.

       I was starting to get a bad feeling about everything. I could not
understand what was going on. He seemed so far out of character and I
couldn't figure out why. What was bothering him? Was it really that bad?
When I got back home at seven in the morning, I was exhausted and
hurt. Going to work was not something that I was looking forward to, and I
really should have called off after having little sleep. But I decided to
go. After a shower and a quick bite, I was headed back to Colorado
Springs. All day long I seemed out of it as my mind was still back in
Justin's room. I got a call on my cell phone around the end of my shift. It
was his mom saying that they found him back at the apartment not too long
ago. They were watching him and he was not talking...much at least.  The
only thing he said is that he wanted to see me. That was it.

       When I got home, I saw his mom speaking quietly with two officers. I
spoke with them briefly before figuring what to do with my friend. When I
walked in the kitchen, he looked like hell.  We talked for hours...six to
be exact. I still could not pry out what was bothering him so much. We did
talk about our friendship, his family, his now ex-girlfriend. We talked
until we could barely stay awake. From that conversation one brief exchange
stood out:

"Thanks for everything Sam. I'm so glad I have you as my best friend."

"That's what I'm here for. You know I'm always going to be there."

"Why do you have to be you? You are the perfect person. I just wish that I
could find someone like you out there...it just isn't meant to be for me."
I didn't get the right interpretation on that night. I was under the
impression that he was hurt because he lost his girlfriend. I was way off
base and it will make sense to all you readers in a few paragraphs.

       I woke up May 10th feeling like crap. I was tired and I didn't want
to leave Justin out of my site. I asked him if he wanted me to call off and
just hang around home with him. He was supposed to be watched by the
officers that I met the day before, but he assured them that everything was
just fine. He seemed insulted when I said that. "Oh Sam? Don't you know I'm
a big boy?" He joked with a smile. I laughed, but his mood change struck me
as odd. Maybe that talk did do some good. I told him that we would go grab
pizza for dinner and have a night on the town.

       Work went by fast as I was really anticipating going out with
Justin. Seeing him smile gave me the feeling that things were turning
around for the better. I got a phone call from his mom almost right after
my shift was over. I was wrong. To be honest, even now thinking of that
phone call still causes my stomach to get that bad feeling. He was
dead. She went to see how he was doing to find him laying on the floor of
his room in a puddle of his own blood. The knife in his hand said it
all. If it was possible to be dead while still breathing, that was exactly
how I felt. Devastated. I could not leave my job...better my co-workers
would not let me leave: I could not stop crying. I could not pull myself
together. It took several hours before I could get myself together to make
that drive home.  The scene I saw when I got home will be one I never
forget. The blood was still there. The note was still there. His room was
blocked off. I felt sick to my stomach. His mom was in bad shape as well. I
even saw his ex-girlfriend there. She looked sad as well. At the time, I
was pissed seeing her because I thought it was over her. The words that I
spoke to her were far from kind and definitely do not have a place here. I
snapped on her and his mom for this. I was furious and had to be restrained
from the cops that were still there. I had a hard time sleeping that
night. I had officially hit rock bottom...

       When I woke up from yet another nightmare I saw that his note was
left by my pillow. A little soggy from the tears that I cried...but I could
still make everything out:


"Sam,

       First, I know that you feel hurt by this. I don't want you to. You
are, well technically was, the most important person in my life. Sorry bud,
jokes all the way to the end. You are a special guy, and one that I was
glad to know for as long as I have. If only we had met years ago, things
could be so much different. Don't be mad at anyone. This was something that
I had to do. I wish I could physically tell you why things had to be like
this. You would understand but it was too personal.

       Don't you hate having to fight those inner demons? I wish I were as
strong as you. You have overcome so much between coming out and losing
Andrew. I always respected that about you. I also thought of you as a
boxer. That annoying fuck that keeps getting knocked down, but refuses to
stay down on the canvas. You get up and keep fighting. This is something
that is not an option for me...not this time. I have a journal hidden in a
special place. If you look hard enough you will find it and everything will
make sense. Maybe not fully, but well enough that you will know what was
going on. Please know that I didn't do this out of anger towards
anyone. You mean more to me than any human being in my life. I just hope
that you are still able to lead a happy life. Just know that I am happy
now. I am at peace with myself..."


       The rest has little relevance to this. It was long and I read every
word of it over and over again. I took time off so I could go to North
Carolina where his funeral would be held. Not a spoken word the whole time
out there to anyone. I didn't want to be there, and I sure as hell was not
relaxed as some others were. I didn't stay as I returned to Denver the day
after it was over. It felt weird being in that apartment after what I knew
happened. His note did let me know some of what was going on.  The real
question was did I really want to look at his journal? Would finding the
truth give me any comfort to the whole situation? I contemplated it for a
few days, but finally my curiosity got the best of me. I stepped into the
room that was formerly the bedroom of my best friend. I lifted the mattress
to find the notebook. I chuckled a little knowing why it was in that
particular place. Let's just say that one day Justin was looking for
something in my room a few months prior. I told him, under no circumstance,
to ever look around my bed. Something along the lines of "finding something
that you don't want to find". A funny ending to that incident. It left both
of us a little embarrassed. I returned to my room and started at the
back. I was floored with what I found:


5/9/2006

Sam,

       I know you'll look. You have to know what was going on because I
know deep down you cared. I was going to do it today. But I wanted to talk
first. That's why I came back. I was going to run off and do it where
someone would find me days later. You deserve better though. I really
wanted to talk about it. I couldn't pull myself to do it though. It was too
hard to say the words that I've always wanted to tell you. Though I am glad
to say that you are the last person that I will ever talk to. It may make
you sad, but feel privileged. You mean a lot to me. More than...well, I
guess I'll start from that first day.

       When we first became friends, I was happy. I have had many friends
in my life, but I just knew that you were special. I knew that we would
stand the test of time. The problem was that the closer that we got, the
farther apart I felt from you. Andrew. I was jealous of him. How you always
gave him so much of your attention and time. How he always came
first...even before you at times.  I always hated that. I saw right through
his faults...but you were blind to them. Maybe it was because of how I
really felt about you, but I never really liked Andrew. But I did for your
sake. All I wanted was for you to be happy. You're smart enough to figure
out what I'm trying to say.

       Do you remember the day that you confessed that you were attracted
to me? On the outside it may have seemed like I was confused...inside I was
jumping for joy. I knew how much you loved Andrew. As much as you loved
him, I was always feeling that for you. BUT, I would never put myself in
between Andrew and you when you were dating. Not even after he died. You
were so hurt.  I knew then that there was never a chance for me in your
heart. We were friends and that was all that I would ever be to you. I
could not accept it. I tried for years, but I could not do it Sam. Those
feelings just would never go away. I cried so many times over you. You have
no idea. The nights after Jake died, I held you as you slept trying to help
ease the pain that I knew you were feeling.  That was as close as I could
ever get to you and it hurt so much.

       I could never tell you. I told my girlfriend and she flipped as you
saw. I guess she was hurt to find that I never had those feelings for
her. I was gay just like you. And I was in love with my best friend. A love
that I knew would never be able to be returned. That is why I chose to
leave Sam. I couldn't put any of this in the note because I didn't want my
mom or anyone else to know. You always knew everything about me. Now you
definitely do. Please don't hate me for doing this to you. Hopefully
sometime later in life you can find it in yourself to forgive me. I had to
do this. For us. I couldn't risk losing you altogether. But my heart
couldn't take the pain anymore, nor could I.  I'm sorry Sam. I really am. I
love you.

Justin signing off for the last time


       If only I could have seen it. He would still be here, and we would
be doing just fine. I always questioned why I couldn't see it. Looking back
I could see some instances where it would have been obvious. I could never
tell...nor would I have ever thought because he repeatedly told me he was
straight. He had a girlfriend and seemed so happy.

        If only he would have told me. If only he knew that I felt the same
way. After Andrew died, I eventually developed stronger feelings for
him. Did he really think that I threw out the thoughts of suicide because
he asked me as a friend? Hell, my other friends couldn't do that and I care
about them a lot too. I didn't do it because Justin meant a lot to me. The
irony I found in this is that he made me promise that I would not do
it. Never willingly leave him via suicide, yet he did the same to me. I
cared so much about him...and he never really understood how much. One
simple talk could have solved all of this. If only he knew...

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