Date: Mon, 19 Dec 2005 17:50:19 -0700
From: Samuel Forte' III <fallenangel595@hotmail.com>
Subject: finding andrew-chapter 8

** This story is a true story, telling of people and events that have taken
place in the last three to four years. I have the consent of the others who
are involved to use them, but no last names will be used for privacy
reasons. This story will focus around two people as they stumble upon each
during high school and find themselves falling for one another. They are
able to survive the trials, tribulations, and difficulties that are thrown
at them and from each other until everything comes to an abrupt end...All
rights to this story are mine (lol well it is based on MY experiences) so
no copying or publishing without my consent!**


			      Finding Andrew
		  Chapter 8: Confronting Our Pasts - Mine


*****************************************************************************

** BEFORE I GO ON FURTHER, I'D LIKE TO PAUSE AND SAY THE  INCIDENT THAT
I'M ABOUT TO DELVE BACK INTO BRINGS BACK HORRIBLE IMAGES AND
MEMORIES. I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE BECAUSE THIS WILL DEFINITELY OFFEND
SOME. IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH SKIP, TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!!! THERE
ARE TWO SEPARATE INCIDENTS...IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE ONE IN CHAPTER 6
YOU'LL WANT TO SKIP IT...IT ISN'T NEARLY AS BAD THOUGH. THE 2ND INCIDENT
HAS BEEN EDITED OUT, BUT IF YOU READ BEFORE AND AFTER YOU CAN READ IN
BETWEEN THE LINES. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED...**

*****************************************************************************

** I can't change what has happened in the past, but in some ways, I think
it made me into a better person dealing with adversity early in my
life. I'm not saying that I'm happy it happened either. Some things happen
for a reason. Why me I don't know, but all you can do deal is deal with the
hand your dealt. I'm glad of glad this happened to me and not someone
else. Another word of warning. This will be the longest chapter by far in
this whole series. I didn't want to break it down into two...really I could
have, but I didn't take the length into consideration when I made my
outline. I actually had this typed up already for a writing paper in my
English class last year. I don't really want to re-type or add anything to
it because I really don't feel like looking at it to be honest. I'll just
copy and paste and continue from there...**


"My Darkest Moment"

     When I first got to Colorado, I was surprised with how comforting it
was. Even though I've had lots of problems since being here, the backdrop
here is like something out of a movie.  Looking at the mountains just after
it snows is breathtaking. Looking at the Rocky Mountains always brings a
sort of comforting feeling. We got settled into the guest rooms on post and
I was interested in checking out the base. It was bigger than I expected,
which is saying a lot taking in the different bases I've seen over the
years. The rest of the summer went by pretty fast. I didn't have a whole
lot of opportunities to go out and make friends since we were stuck on
base, but my parents had me set to attend Panorama Middle School for my 8th
grade year. As the start date approached, I was pretty nervous. Like I said
before I'm a pretty shy guy, so walking up to that school on the first day
was something I wasn't really looking forward to.

     I had picked up my schedule the prior week so I was all set. They had
each grade split up into 3 teams (8A, 8B, and 8C for the 8th graders) and I
would be on A. The first day was as normal as you could expect for a new
guy like me. As always, most of the kids were talking about me, the "new
guy", and I was feeling like the whole school was watching my every move.
The first class I had was French which was a class I grew to like over the
trimester. It did take awhile, but a few of the kids warmed up to me and I
was able to just relax. Daniel and Barry were the first friends I would
have. My next class would end up being a very important one due to one
person.

     My first time in Ms. Leasure's Art class, I was really nervous. With
so many of the kids in my first class whispering and talking about me I was
already feeling unwelcome. I did get a little smile when I saw the "cool"
group of girls (funny how it only took a few minutes to figure that out)
smiling at me and giggling. You just gotta love being the new meat on the
market (sighs). Well as I took a seat in the middle, others started to fill
into the room when a guy walked up to me and I was in such a daze when he
spoke, I almost pissed myself which got a laugh from most of the class:

"Hey bud. Is anyone sitting here?"

"Oh-oh no go ahead. It's all yours."

"Thanks...hey I haven't seen you around here before. Are you a new guy?"

"Yea just moved here this summer."

"Cool well I'll be your first friend. I'm Dale, but you can call me DJ," he
said with the biggest grin on his face.

"Thanks DJ. I'm Sam."

     And that started a friendship that I would cherish for the majority of
my 8th grade year.  Before I talk more about him let me just say a few
things about my "situation" before I get in to far. See I really knew that
I was gay already, but just wasn't willing to admit it to myself. Like most
people did at first, I thought it was a phase and something that would just
pass, but as I grew older I saw that the attraction got stronger to guys
and I couldn't do anything about it.  When I was out in California there
was lots of eye candy, but like I said before I'm quiet and shy so I
figured the best way to deal with it at the time was to just suppress
everything and try to act like everyone else and fit in. DJ was shorter
than me by a few inches and had a slim body for those of you
wondering. When I first met him I never thought of him in that way and did
a good job to keep from doing so for as long as I knew him. How weird would
it be to have those kinds of feelings for your best friend?

     Needless to say, we really hit it off and for as long as I was on
base, we talked on the phone every day. I can't quite put my finger on it,
but he just had this warming quality that caused everyone to like him and
that really drew me to him. He also had this killer smile that he would
always use to get his way. Trust me, when he flashed that you would feel
bad for even objecting or arguing with him. Most of that trimester I hung
out with him and he introduced me to his friends which finally put me at
ease. He went out of his way to make me feel welcome and if it wasn't for
him, I'm not sure I would ever have fit in here. We both had many of the
same hobbies (video games, sports, alternative rock music) with the main
one being wrestling. I've been born and raised on it just as he was so it
was natural to watch WWE (WWF at that time) and WCW whenever it was on. He
was just as into as I was and we even shared the same favorite
wrestler. Now tell me we weren't meant to be friends! We both had to ride
the bus home when my family would move into a house, but we were on
different routes. So we both would stay after school so we could take the
late bus to get some extra time to hangout. The first trimester went pretty
smooth. By that point I had got situated at school and made lots of friends
(include Anthony, Sean, Adam, Darryl, Blake, Nakia, Loreana, Alana, and Pat
to that list).

     Things were cool at school, but at home things were a little
different. I'm not exactly "Mr. Outdoors" so making friends around the
neighborhood wasn't as big a deal to me as it may be to others. The first
day I would have to ride the bus to school. I was out at the bus stop with
my sister (of course) and had my CD player on so I could just tune
everybody out. To my surprise, many were friendly and talkative so I
steered them towards my sister as she was more concerned with the situation
than I was. I did notice though that three people wouldn't talk. They just
pointed and laughed so it was obvious to me what they were doing even
though I couldn't hear them. When we all got on the bus things would kind
of escalate. I took a seat near the middle (my lucky #13) only to have one
of those guys complain that I was sitting in "his seat". I blew it off
because I figured it was no big deal, but it obviously was to this guy. So
the guy made a scene and made fun of me to give everyone a reason to
laugh. Not a big deal as I kept listening to my music. Well then he sits
next to me and continues as he then started to mess with my sister. Now I
don't like confrontation, but I won't stand for someone picking on my
sister at all. I just watched until I finally had enough of this guy's
crap. I took off the headphones and got in his face about it. He wouldn't
back down and threw the first punch and that was about all he did.  I
grabbed him and slammed his head against the window and started to pound at
his face until I felt someone pulling me off which turned out to be the bus
driver. He had seen the whole thing and said that I wouldn't get into
trouble since he had started the incident. The bus was quiet for the next
few days as no one wanted to sit next to me or even talk to me after the
incident.

     Mario would approach me a few days later to apologize and from that
point on we actually became good friends (for a few years at least until
that changed). He was the complete opposite of me (daring, loud, obnoxious)
and we got along well together even though I do admit we got into silly
arguments and were both very playful which usually led to things getting
rough and serious every now and then. At first I was pretty taken by the
guy because he was younger than me (two years), but I found myself very
attracted to him. His personality was borderline asshole/comedian which
really got me for whatever reason. He also was a pretty hot guy as I'm sure
many girls could tell you. Back then he stood about 5'9" and weighed around
140 I believe.  He was just getting into his teen years and had a mix of a
teen/boy body. Not too muscular, but all were in the right places. The
start of a 6-pack was visible at the time which he would fully develop a
few years later. I'll get back to him soon enough, but for now let's go
back to how the last two trimesters played out in my 8th grade year.

     The second trimester went pretty good. I was still making friends and
fitting in like I was hoping to and actually was convinced to try out for a
few of the school teams from my friends.  Basketball didn't go to good
because I would injure my shoulder which forced me to miss the next few
days of school, which of course led to me not being able to finish the
tryouts. It was fun while it lasted though. The core subjects were going
great. DJ, Darryl, and Anthony were my three best friends at the time and
we all had the same classes. Talk about good luck! Anthony would have one
of my electives (Fine Arts which was pretty fun) and Craig, DJ's best
friend, and Darryl would have the other (Health...and you know what most of
it was about...I really didn't have any reason to pay attention since most
of the stuff pertained to the females). Things were going pretty good until
one little conversation. DJ and I talked a lot and the topic of girls came
up a few times, but I always steered clear of it. When that didn't work I
would just let him talk and just agree until he was tired of talking about
it. He told me that he was really attracted to a girl by the name of
Alana. Now first let me say that Alana was very hot (hey, I can still
appreciate a good looking female when I see one) so that was no surprise
since everyone in our grade liked her. Well I also wasn't surprised when he
told me that, but I did kind of object when he wanted me to help him
"hookup" with her. I can be a good friend at times, but there are some
limits and that was one. We actually argued about it until I finally caved
in and agreed to help.  First let me state that Alana was my best female
friend at that time (which few people ever knew). Our little secret I
guess. The next day I would sit with Alana at lunch which I only did when
it was something serious and the conversation began:

"Hey Sammy."

"Ahh, you know I hate when you call me that." I couldn't help but laugh
because it was always her name for me after I told her about my uncle's
passing. So many people have said that I'm just like him.

"So what's wrong? I hardly get the "grace" of your presence at lunch," she
laughed. By that time most of her friends had left the two of us
alone. They were slick, but I did notice the grins they had on their
face. I knew Alana liked me, but I played it off for the obvious
reasons. She was a good friend and I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

"Well there isn't anything wrong....but I do want to ask you
something. Maybe we should go outside where we can have some privacy. You
OK with that?"

"Anything for you baby," she laughed. We always joked around like that at
school...maybe too much at times. We would head outside and find a
unoccupied table to sit at and I just told her everything straight forward.

"Alana, I usually wouldn't do this and you know that, but my hands are
really tied because I promised. Well one of my friends has a major crush on
you and wanted me to talk to you about it." I watched her face to see her
expression and she looked kind of upset and happy at the same time.

"Geez not you too. Do you knowww how many times this happens Sam?"

"Trust me I didn't want to bother you about this, but I promised."

"Fine, fine. Just let me know who it is."

"Well it's DJ." Her face quickly turned to anger as she seemed to lose
interest in the conversation instantly.

"Dale!?"

"Yea. That isn't a bad thing is it?"

"...Sam maybe we should have a talk since you're trying to be honest."

"Huh? I'm not following you here," I stuttered. I had a good feeling of
what was coming next and it was the last thing I was really hoping to get
from this conversation. I know her pretty well and can tell how people act
around different people. She acted very different around me which I noticed
from day one. I'm sure some of the guys were jealous, but I just wanted to
be a good friend to her...for her. Nothing more.

"Sam, haven't you ever wondered why I talk to you so much and hang around
you all the time?  Don't you ever wonder why I haven't been really going
out with anyone?"

"Of course...as I'm sure most of the other guys do too," I remarked. It got
a good laugh out of both of us, but I was really trying to just avoid what
was coming. DJ was my best friend and she was by far my best female
friend. I didn't think I could deal with being in the middle.

"Sam, I'm not interested in DJ. There is someone I really like, but I'm not
sure if the feelings are mutual...," she blushed and turned away after she
spoke. I was speechless, but things would get more interesting when DJ
would come up and pop a squat along side us. Looking back at it now, DJ
probably saved me from a very uncomfortable and embarrassing conversation.

"Hey guys. Am I interrupting anything?"

"Actually I was about to go," Alana quickly said. Before either of us could
say anything, she left as she obviously was upset. I knew why and the
ending to that conversation was not something I was looking forward to
anytime soon. When I finally focused my attention towards DJ, his face was
very red with anger:

"What was that all about Sam?"

"She's had a rough day I guess," I quickly spat. After I said that, DJ
stood up and walked away.  Against my better judgement I decided to follow.

"DJ! Really I don't know what's up. She just needs to think about some
stuff I guess." DJ quickly spun around and glared at me. Really bad choice
of words I thought as DJ closed the distance and looked me eye to eye. I
tried to avoid it, but he grabbed me by the top of my head and forced my
gaze down towards his. It was a good thing no one was around otherwise
things would have turned out worse than what they did.

"So what were you two talking about, huh? You think I'm dumb, but I really
see what's going on!"

"What are you talking about? I did exactly what you wanted me to do," I
confusedly replied. I didn't exactly get what he meant, but I had a feeling
of what he was implying.

"Sam, I thought you were a real friend..."

"Now hold on a second Dale..."

"NO YOU HOLD ON!!!" DJ had never got that loud before so it caught me by
surprise. "Sam I saw the way she was looking at you. I know what's really
going on. SOME FRIEND!" After he said that he actually started to cry. I'd
only seen him do it a few rare times in the time that I've known him. I
didn't know what to do. I stood in silence as he wiped his eyes and
gathered himself together as the bell for the end of lunch rang.

"I don't want you to EVER talk to me again. I don't want anything to do
with you so get the fuck away from me!" I was hurt as DJ would push me and
walk off. For the rest of the day, I heard the words replayed in my head. I
wouldn't get the chance to talk to him until after school that day since he
ignored me through our last two classes. He was headed for the late bus
after his wrestling practice. I stayed after to watch with the Coach's
permission. DJ saw me in the bleachers and was pretty pissed, but I really
wanted to explain what was going on. He was my best friend and I wasn't
really wanting to let that go so easily. After practice, I sat next to him
on the bus which pissed him off since he couldn't move. He wouldn't talk
after my constant pleas for him to listen. When it came time for his stop,
I got off with him and followed him to his house. This turned out to be a
major mistake. It would only be a couple of blocks to his house, so I
didn't have much time before he would be inside the comforts of his
home. About a block away, I grabbed his arm to turn him around. When he
spun around he had his other arm cocked back and punched me clean in the
jaw. I fell to the ground in pain and shock as he then sat on top of me and
continued to pound away at my face until I was starting to lose
consciousness from the pain. He then dragged me to the park near his house
and slammed me onto the concrete of the basketball court. I was bleeding by
that point and was struggling to try to get to my feet to get away. Two
hard kicks from DJ to my ribs put an end to any resistance on my end. Then
DJ calmly started to speak:

     "See Sam, I was trying to be nice about this, but you just don't
learn. You see, if I can't have Alana neither will you. I know what really
went on because I had my eye on the two of you the whole time. You just
used me to get closer to her. I never thought you would do something like
that to me as you claim that I'm your "best friend". Well Sam I'm going to
pound in your face until I get tired of looking at you." And that was
exactly what happened. It seemed like hours as he continued to punch me,
kick me, slam me, and do anything else he could think off.  For my sake, I
never got the full "beating" I was supposed to get because Craig happened
to be headed by the park and would pull DJ off of me. After he finally
would get DJ home, he came back to the park to help me to his house. His
dad had to give me a ride because I was in no condition to get home on my
own (obviously). When I got home my parents were livid to say the
least. After I was cleaned up and took a nice long nap, my parents would
try to get me to tell them what happened. I never told and still haven't to
this day. DJ was still my friend (regardless of what happened he had to
feel bad...well a little at least) and I would never rat on anyone. I would
get that Thursday and Friday out of school thanks to my parents and would
get ready for the Christmas Break.

     I moped around the house most of the time. I was too scared to go
anywhere around DJ's neighborhood after the recent events. I never could
bring myself to hit DJ even to this day over that. As weird as I know it
has to sound. It wasn't that I was scared of him. I stilled wanted to be
his friend. That's all I ever asked for from him and he didn't want that
anymore and didn't know how to react to that. Eventually though, I would
finally get back in the Christmas spirit as my friend Mario would spend
almost everyday at my house. We usually ended up playing PlayStation,
Goldeneye or wrestled. We would always poked fun at the other and it always
ended up in a wrestling match because we were so playful. If I really had
paid attention back then, certain things would have been obvious to
me...but back to the story. Alana would call everyday, but I told her I was
in no mood to talk. On Christmas Eve I finally let her talk. She checked to
see how I was doing (of course),she apologized for what happened (Craig
told her everything), and said she would talk to DJ about everything. I of
course opposed very upset that she would even consider that, but she had
her mind made and said one thing that I never will forget:

"Alana. I don't care to be friends with DJ right now. He made it pretty
obvious that he wants nothing to do with me..."

"Sam, I'm smarter than you really give me credit for."

"..."

"Well Sam you have a nice Christmas and expect a call from DJ sometime
soon. I know that you'll never be interested in anything more than friends
with me ...but I'm still here for you whether you like it or not."

"Oh is that true? And what makes you so sure about that?"

"Well Sam I think you know, but I know you're in a bad mood so I'll just
drop it." Honestly at that point I had no idea what she was getting
at. When you have a big gash on your head and a major headache, you don't
really think things through.

"What are you talking about?" She said nothing on the other end which got
me upset. "I'm getting tired of all of these games. You know maybe I should
just stop talking to you altogether too. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't
be in this mess to begin with. Some friend you are!"

"Sam. Don't be like this..."

"DON'T BE LIKE WHAT?...You know what? I'm going to enjoy the rest of my
time out of school and...I'm sorry for getting mad...this whole thing is
just stressing me. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be mad at you."

"Its ok Sam. I know that DJ and you have been really good friends and I'll
make sure it stays that way..."

"Really you don't have to do that. This isn't your fault you know."

"Well this is my Christmas present to you so you better appreciate it," she
laughed. I laughed a little too until I complained about my headache.

"Just get some rest. Have a good Christmas and I'll see you at school. You
really do need a break."

"Thanks and you have a good Christmas too. See you at school."

     After that I did feel a lot better. She reached out to me and I
shunned her away in the same way that DJ did to me. I really didn't
understand why I did that. I did feel better after the conversation
though. I was looking forward to seeing her at school. I wasn't looking
forward to hearing from DJ or even seeing him anytime soon. I'm a very
forgiving person, but even I didn't think things could be the same. The one
thing that I was still stuck on was when she said that she knew that I
would never be interested in going out with her. That did puzzle me and in
my state I just let it go and decided to try and make the most of the rest
of my Christmas break. I talked with Mario about the whole situation and he
sympathized like I figured he would. He's always been a great
listener. Christmas went good and as expected, Mario came over later that
day to check on me and just to hang out. At that time I was still feeling
some of the effects from the last meeting between DJ and myself, but I was
feeling much better. I did get two new PSOne games (FF9 and Crash Team
Racing) so I was occupied anyway. Around ten that night everyone had went
to sleep while I was still up playing PlayStation. I heard the phone in my
room ring and picked it up before it would wake up my sister (we shared a
line separate from our parents):

"Hello?"

"..."

"HELLO?" There still wasn't a reply so I hung up. I figured it was someone
prank calling so I got back into my game until the phone would ring again
about ten minutes later:

"...Hello?"

"Hey," DJ meekly spoke.

"Oh great. Just the person I wanted to talk to," I replied sarcastically.

"Sam, just hear me out. I think..."

"Think what, Dale? That I owe you that? I don't owe you shit!" He had a
habit of saying the wrong thing in an important conversation. Bad flaw and
something that was irritating as hell.

"...Ok. well how was your Christmas?"

"Pretty good until you called so if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to
enjoying my new games."

"I know you're upset Sam and this is all my fault. I'm really sorry for how
I reacted. All I want is a few minutes to talk to you."

"Oh, the same thing I wanted from you, but you wouldn't give me that. What
makes you think I will?"

"Because I know you too well." Even though I couldn't see him I knew he was
smiling and I couldn't help doing it myself. He really had a point. I've
always been known to be nice and understanding and he hit a sore spot. I
couldn't possibly stay mad at him...for forever at least. It wasn't in me.

"Touche, Dale." I only called him that when I was serious and he picked up
on that.

"Like I said before, I'm sorry about what happened and hope that you still
want me to be your friend. I really messed things up and I'd like things to
back to how they were. Alana and Craig told me everything so I really feel
like an ass." I let out a laugh over the phone for two reasons.  DJ never
ever admits to being wrong so this was a first. Secondly, he never really
cursed unless he was serious. So now the ball was in my court:

"Apology accepted."

"So want to hang out tomorrow?"

"No thanks, I'll just catch you at school."

"Oh, so I see someone has filled in my shoes," he suggested. Hard to tell
if he was being playful or serious, so I took the safe way out of it. And
yes if you're wondering, Mario was becoming a better friend to me. He was
someone I could depend on plus he was a lot closer seeing how he lives next
door. Plus the other obvious reasons caused me to want to spend more time
with him.

"No, just still feeling a little sore there bucko. There is one thing that
I have to say I was surprised about?"

"What's that?"

"You hit like a girl with your right hand. My sister hits harder than that
Mr. DJ," I laughed out.  DJ seemed a little upset at first, but he realized
I was just playing around.

"Well you know that's why I'm a lefty."

     We both laughed and promised to meet each other first thing in the
morning the first day back at school. The rest of the 2nd trimester was
uneventful. Me and DJ were friends, but it definitely wasn't like
before. All of the involved parties never spoke about the incident and
things were as normal between the four of us as you could expect. Don't get
me wrong, DJ still was a good friend, but I just didn't feel as comfortable
around him as you could imagine.  Honestly, he seemed to feel my doubts
when I was around him. He offered to be a punching bag to even things up
between us, but I passed on it. It wouldn't prove anything and what's done
is done.

     We still hung out together outside of school, but it was much less
frequent. Alana would eventually go out with him which was short lived as I
expected it to be. There were no hard feelings between the two and they
both stayed good friends throughout the year. As for Alana and me, things
were a lot different. We talked less and less, but if either ever had a
serious issue we would always confide in the other (I personally would tell
DJ first, but both would have to know). She seemed less energetic around me
so I tried to avoid her more often than not. I knew her feelings were still
hurt from the "unofficial rejection" and I figured it would take some time.
I still was wondering how she figured I wasn't interested. Even knowing
that I really wasn't, what made it so obvious to her? Did she know the real
reason? Nah, she couldn't have. She's a smart girl (even though she acted
like she wasn't at school, but I knew better), but I'm not the easiest
person to read. I do wear my emotions on my sleeves, but its extremely hard
to interpret them so I'm told. I've gotten good at that over the years for
better or worse (trust me, a big must living like this). It seemed that
when I became less of friends with the two, I seemed to revert back into my
own shell. Just sit in class, do my work, and let my mind wander. The last
trimester was something that I wasn't looking forward to. I didn't want to
go to high school after making such good friends here and I knew that some
of the good friends I had now I would lose once we all got there.

     So now all of us we're getting ready for the last twelve weeks of
school. Things were still normal. At lunch now I avoided sitting around DJ
or Alana and just enjoyed myself. I dreaded my second elective which was
PE. Now I know your wondering why that would be such a bad thing aren't
you? Well it wasn't totally bad, but I liked to avoid situations where I
could get myself into trouble so to speak. I had (and still do have) a bad
habit of letting my eyes wonder just a little too much. I did get some
self-control and enjoyed the class. I'm big into sports so that was right
up my alley. A few of the basketball players were in the class and I fit
right in as I was up to par with them on the court. That earned me even
more respect with the guys and especially with the teacher who happened to
be the coach...too bad I had to mess up my shoulder during tryouts. The
weeks went by pretty fast and at one point DJ just stopped talking to me
altogether.  I didn't know why and when I asked Craig or Alana about it
they didn't know why...Alana actually did because she's not the greatest
liar, but I let it go because I was beyond caring.

     With only a few weeks left, all I wanted to do was get to
summer. Mario at that point had became a great friend and we hung out after
school everyday whether at my house or his. Nights would be funny at
times. See my room is in the basement and I have a window that points to
the side right side of the backyard. Late at nights, Mario would hop the
fence when he was bored and knock on my window usually scaring the crap out
of me. Ahh, those were the good times.  Our team (8A) never got to go on a
field trip all year and finally the second to last week of school we were
going to get one: a picnic/barbeque at Iron Horse park on Fort Carson. I,
of course, was planning on playing basketball for the majority of the
day. Most of us had set up the teams prior so when we got there we just
rolled out the ball and started. It was a lot of fun as my team won all of
the games. I'm a team player and just enjoyed watching the other guys make
baskets as it really made their day, but when it came down to crunch time I
was there to make the big shots. After a few games I decided to grab a bite
to eat as a sub filled in for me. The line was pretty short as I chatted
with a few of my teachers. As I was headed back to the courts, I saw DJ
alone pacing back and forth on the outskirts of the park. Seeing how he
avoided me the last few weeks I decided at first to just let him worry
about whatever was on his mind, but I just couldn't let myself do that:

"DJ, what's wrong?"

"What are you doing here? Just leave me alone." He tried to walk away, but
I tackled him to the ground since no one was around. We had our times of
being playful (hey we were still teens) so I thought it would ease the
tension. As usual, I made a bad choice of judgement and after I tackled him
to his back he socked me in the face...familiar feeling let me tell you.

"What the hell did you do that for," I asked enraged. We'd gone through
this before and I would be damned if this was going to happen again. He
tried to punch me again, but I would block and slam his arms to his sides.

"What the hell is your problem?"

"Sam, get off of me!" He tried to get up, but my body weight had him pinned
in place.

"You're not going anywhere until you explain yourself. First you just tune
me out at school. You don't return my calls. You act like I don't
exist. Now obviously I must have did something to bug you, but you don't
want to talk. Well guess what? I have all the time in the world Dale so you
better start talking." DJ would squirm and try to headbutt me, but he was
stuck and finally he gave in.

"Why me, Sam?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Why did you have to choose me?"

"Choose you for what, Dale? You're confusing me." He started to blush which
was really awkward. I got off of him knowing that he would continue to
talk. That's just how he is.

"Alana told me everything..." I was thinking and nothing was coming to
mind. His voice was getting softer and he really was starting to worry me.

"Come on Dale. Just spit it out. You know you can tell me anything." As I
sat up and moved next to him he pushed me away and stood up. I also stood
up and he looked me in the eyes.

"I know about you Sam...I know your secret."

     At that point it hit me like a ton of bricks. I finally got the
message as it was crystal clear.  I started to shake and tear up which was
pretty weird for even me to do. For the most part I'm good at keeping my
emotions in check. DJ just stood there and kept talking, but I tuned him
out.  I couldn't believe that the secret I had worked so hard to hide had
finally been seen. I was so scared that I ran. DJ tried to stop me, but I
just kept running. At one point I know he caught up and grabbed me, but I
kept running. My life was going to be ruined. He was going to out me to
everyone and let the torture begin. That weekend I talked to no one and
somehow managed to make it through the last week of school. Alana couldn't
look at me as I was furious that she would tell DJ that. If she knew was it
really necessary to tell anyone? She didn't even tell me...well she did try
many times and drop hints, but I just figured she was being playful.
Teenage females and their mouths sometimes...

     That last week was torture as DJ had an evil grin on his face for most
of the week when he saw me. I did a good job of avoiding him until I saw
him in the locker room after school our second to last day. I had to stay
after school to run laps for missing gym due to a doctor appointment and he
just happened to be cleaning out his gym locker. Just my luck that me and
DJ were the last ones in there. I tried to hurry and change, but I felt a
firm hand spin me around and push me into the lockers. I was shaken as I
didn't want to talk to DJ because I was scared of what might happen...


******************************************************************************
                   ***********EDIT***********
******************************************************************************

"Sam, I'm sorry. I-I feel so bad. I didn't mean for this to happen...," he
squeaked out. His face was red, but it wasn't all just from his sudden
guilt. At this point I didn't care and just continued out. Thankfully he
didn't follow me as I struggled to make the long walk home. This time I
took the scenic route to avoid any forms of life as it took me two hours
(usually forty-five minutes) to make it home. When I did get home my sister
told me that DJ had came over looking for me because he was worried, but I
blew it off. The phone kept ringing and I refused to answer. There was no
way I could ever speak to him again. This was unforgivable. I cried myself
to sleep early that evening just wishing for the last day of school to
finally come and go.

     The last day was pretty rough. I did my best to hold myself together,
but I couldn't.  Twice I broke down in class which of course got attention
I didn't need or desire. At lunch I sat by myself and thankfully everyone
left me alone. I thought the day would finally be over as the last bell
rang. Just come back to do the ceremony and go home and start my
summer. After the last class I certain female was waiting at my locker:

"Sammy, what's wrong?"

"Leave me alone."

"Sam I'm here for you. We can talk about it," she quietly said. As those
words came out her mouth I slammed my locker shut which caused her to jump
back.

"The only one I have is myself. You sold me out Alana."  "I didn't mean
too. I would have never told if I didn't think he would be fine with it."

"WELL ALANA. SHOULDN'T I BE THE ONE TO DO IT? I can't believe you just get
away from me."

"Sam I..."

"Get the FUCK away from me. Don't talk to me ever again. Nothing is safe
with you. I thought I could trust you," I said.

     The harsh words kept coming as I did my best to make her feel like the
smallest person on the world. After she started crying I did feel bad, but
decided to just leave. As I boarded my bus, Mario seemed pretty worried as
apparently he watched the whole scene from a distance. It really isn't like
me to talk down to someone like that, but at that point I was so upset I
didn't care. Mario left me alone as I sat down and just cried. DJ would get
on the bus and sit down with me with a very hurt look on his face. The
whole ride he tried talking to me, but I ignored him.  Mario's oldest
brother, Mike, would give him a ride home. Somehow, some of my other
friends forced me to attend the dance after the ceremony and I did. I did
have a decent time and after awhile stepped outside to catch some
air. There was a spot I always went to that was about a five minute walk
from the school. When I reached the spot I just sat down and got my
thoughts together. There was no way I could ever tell anyone about
something like this and I didn't know what to do or what I should do for
that matter. My emotions were all over the place. While I was deep in
thought, I heard someone walking up behind me. I didn't have to turn around
because I already knew who it was:

"What do you want?"

"Sam, I know that you're pissed at me, but I just wanted to apologize and
try to make things right," DJ said in a very low tone with obvious
nervousness in his voice.

"Sorry doesn't work this time. You crossed the line and I don't want you
anywhere around me.  What you did hurt me Dale. I thought you were my best
friend." Tears started to form as those last words came out. I didn't know
where all the crying came from, but I couldn't help it. I put my head in my
hands and just started bawling. DJ sat down next to me and took me into his
arms to comfort me. My head fell on his chest as I just let everything
out. He started to cry too as I could hear his sniffling and felt the warm
drops glide down my neck. We cried for what had to be at least thirty
minutes until he stopped and got back his thoughts. He pulled my head up
and looked into my eyes and said:

"Sam, I really am sorry. I never wanted to force myself on you like
that..."

"DJ it doesn't matter. What you did to me is unforgivable. I'm sorry, but I
really need to go." I stood up and walked away, but he followed still
talking.

"Sam I'd do anything to be your friend again. You can beat me up. Ruin my
reputation.  Anything."

"DJ, I - I just can't." I sadly continued walking and when I got back to
the school I called my mom and asked her to pick me up. DJ still tried to
reason with me, but it was useless and he knew. I went back inside to say a
few goodbyes and saw Alana crying on the dance floor. When she saw me, she
ran outside. I gave chase and got up to her.

"What's wrong, Alana?"

"Sam I'm sorry."

"..."

"Really Sam I am. DJ just came in and yelled at me telling me its all my
fault."

"..."

     At that point I saw my mom's car coming from a distance. I told Alana
and hopped off of the bench. I could have said more or even acted like I
cared about her feelings to begin with, but the three of us knew the
truth. Yea I could have told them from the beginning or somewhere along the
way. Alana did not have to tell. I'm not blaming her, but she certainly did
not help the situation. The decision should have been up to me seeing how I
was the one that had to deal with it not them. I never talked to Alana
after that day. She would say hi or compliment me on my clothes or looks in
the hallways at high school, but I ignored her and she knew why. I just
couldn't get the courage to speak to her after all that happened. I just
wanted to put it in the past.  She never did tell anyone else and neither
did DJ. I'm sure that DJ felt guilty about it. He did join the football
team freshman year, but I quit when I saw him at his first practice. Every
time I saw him in the hallways or at lunch or even in a store his face
would turn bright red and he would head the other direction. A few times we
would exchange hellos, but that was as far as it would go for awhile. I had
nightmares about that afternoon in the locker room for a long time.
Writing this has caused those bad memories to resurface, but there isn't
anything I can do about that. The best I can do is put it behind me and
move on. A shitty situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone else...


** Before I get back to the story I will say this. I know this makes me a
complete idiot (I don't need to be told either!), but DJ and I are friends
today. More like casual friends really. He wrestles in our league and other
than that I rarely will talk to him. I'm honestly too forgiving of a
person...BUT I am very cautious when around him understandably. He truly
regrets what he did and has did everything in his power to make it
up. Everybody makes mistakes... Anyway, back to the hospital room...**


"I never knew, Sam. I'm so sorry." Andrew said with tears in his eyes. My
tears came about halfway through the story.

"Well I can't change the past...but it scares me to move on. That day in
the locker room..."

"You don't have to say anything. I wouldn't want you to do something you
aren't ready for. I'll do anything I can to help you get through it."

"Maybe I should have told you that earlier...than maybe you wouldn't have
did what you did." I said bitterly. Bringing that up started to get me
upset all over again about Andrew's stupid actions recently.

"..."

"Speechless I see. I may be able to forgive you for that, but there is no
way in hell I ever forget that."

"All I can do is apologize..."

"Just imagine if my mom or dad found me like that! What do I tell them!?"

"Sam, I'm sorry..."

"Yea, you are." The room was silent for a few minutes until I broke the
silence. "But..."that" is in the past. I think...and I emphasize think,
that I know you well enough to know something like that will never happen
again."

"I would never do something to hurt you..."

"Don't say that. Because if that's true that wouldn't have happened...I'm
trying so hard to get past that, but I find it tough. I'll be a man of word
though. I said that I would forgive you for it and move on. So you know all
about my past now. You know why I got nervous when we were in the locker
room, at your house, and when we train."

"I understand. I'll do whatever I can to help...I must admit I do tend to
get more in the mood around you so you'll have to shut me down before I let
my other head do the thinking." He laughed.

"So that doesn't bother you?"

"Nope. Why should it?"

"Why? Because I'm damaged goods. I don't know if I can ever see myself
actually...doing that to someone."

"You are NOT damaged goods. You will overcome it. I have faith in
you. You're here now and you carry yourself pretty well. No one would have
ever thought something like that ever happened to you. Don't be so down on
yourself."

"Sure..."

"I'm serious...look. I can wait as long as you need me to wait on that end
ok? I'm not a little horn dog all the time." He said with a sly grin.

"Sureee." We laughed and shared an awkward silence. "Thanks for listening,
Andrew. That was tough to say."

"I know. Well my past isn't even close to being that bad...but since you
had the guts to tell me that, I'll return the favor."

******************************************************************************

The end of C8. I would appreciate it if you wouldn't send any comments
directed to me specifically relating to this chapter. I WON'T RESPOND to
any questions or comments on it. If you can't read in between the lines
then that's on you. I'm not going to get into detail about it.  The only
thing I will say is this...the only reason this chapter was put in was for
people to understand me a little more as it relates to the future of Andrew
and myself. If I didn't think it served a purpose to the rest of the story,
I would have left it out. Also a few people said I was too closed about my
past before Andrew, so there you go... C9 will be sent in within the next
48 hours.

Chapter 9: Confronting Our Pasts: Andrew's