Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2003 07:17:36 -0800
From: Dewey <dewey@deweywriter.com>
Subject: Brian And Pete Chapter 16

Brian and Pete
Chapter Sixteen
Rest and Recovery

Copyright Notice - Copyright  (c)February 2002 by DeweyWriter Ltd.

This story is copyrighted by the author and the author retains all rights.
This work may not be duplicated in any form, physical, electronic, audio,
or otherwise without the authors expressed written permission.  All
applicable copyright laws apply and will be enforced.

Legal Disclaimer

This story is a work of erotic fiction involving teenage boys partially
based on real people and events.  Names have been changed to protect the
guilty as well as the innocent.  All the usual rules apply.  If it is
illegal for you to be reading this now, then don't continue.

oooOOO000OOOooo

Kevin shoved his way through and embraced Ray tightly.  "Jason, call 911."
He picked Ray up like a child, brought him inside, and ran for the kitchen,
followed closely by Pete.  I shut the door behind them, and led Mrs. Cox to
the couch, where she sat heavily.  David sat by her, speaking softly and
holding her hand.

I ran after Pete to see what I could do to help.  They had Ray laying down
on a blanket, Kevin holding his hand.  Ray continued to cry hard, unable to
speak.  Pete was in the process of undressing Ray, so I helped him pull off
Ray's shirt and pants.  His undershirt was sticking to his chest, so we
left it alone.

"Jesus.  What'd you do to yourself, Ray?"  I didn't realize I'd spoken
aloud until Kevin looked at me.  Besides Ray's arms, I saw slashes on his
chest and legs.

I ran back into the utility room and got out the first aid kit.  Opening it
up, I pulled out two rolls of gauze, some tape, and two Ace bandages, and
returned to the kitchen.  Kevin was looking Ray over for any other
injuries.

"We need to stop the bleeding.  Pete, hold up Ray's arm."  Brian, wrap it
in gauze up and down the arm.  Wrap it tightly, but not so tight it'll cut
off his circulation.  David!  I need your help!"  Pete lifted Ray's left
arm, and I began bandaging it as I was told.  Ray either couldn't feel what
we were doing, or didn't care.

A second after he was called, David stood in front of us.  "Oh, man.  What
can I do?"

"Hold his arm so I can wrap it.  Jason, how are we doing on that
ambulance?"

"It's on the way.  They want me to hold until they're here."

"Good.  Mrs. Cox!"

"She's out of it, Kevin," David said.  "She's nearly hysterical and won't
come in."

"Fuck.  Okay.  I want you to go back and get a couple of cushions off the
couch and put them under Ray's legs.  I've got his arm.  Hurry, now.  How
are you doing, Brian?"

"Almost done.  What do you want me to do after?"  I heard a siren in the
distance.

"Just finish the roll."  The bandage was slowly turning red.  David put
Ray's feet up on the couch cushions.

"Now what?"

"Go out and flag down the ambulance."  David sprinted away as Kevin
finished wrapping Ray's arm.  It was difficult to tell if the bandaging had
done any good.  I realized that sometime in the last minute, Ray had lost
consciousness.

"He's not awake."

"I know, Brian."  The siren stopped right in front of the house.  I could
barely hear David telling them what the problem was.  Kevin said, "Pete,
move the kitchen table against the sink.  Brian, you get the chairs."  We
did as he asked.

The paramedics arrived just as we finished moving the furniture, and went
to work immediately.  Kevin ordered us out of the room while they cut away
Ray's underwear and wet down his t-shirt with saline so they could pull it
off.  Pete, Jason, David, and I gathered in the living room with Mrs. Cox,
who was still badly shaken.  None of us said anything, letting the minutes
slip by, awaiting word on Ray's condition.

What seemed like an eternity later, we heard the paramedics lift Ray onto
their cart, and after buckling him in, raced him through the room and out
the door to the ambulance.

Mrs. Cox finally came around as she watched Ray be wheeled out of the
house.  She said she'd be in touch and quickly left.

"Jason, take the van and meet me at the hospital. I'm going with him."

"Okay."  Jason moved immediately for the door, with us just a step behind.
The siren wailed as the ambulance pulled away.  We paused as it receded in
the distance, almost entranced by the sound.  When the ambulance turned the
corner, we could move once again, and piled into the van.

We made it to the hospital just as Kevin came out of the trauma room at
Oregon State Health University Hospital.  Jason and Pete both looked very
worried. David was concerned for Jason, and they stood with arms around
each other, waiting.  I stood behind Pete, my hand on his shoulder.  He
acted as if he didn't even know I was there.

Kevin sighed.  "He's still being worked on.  There were a lot of cuts that
had to be cleaned and dressed, but none of them too deep.  He lost a lot of
blood, but less than it looked like."

"He's going to be okay?"  Jason's voice quavered slightly, and David
tightened his embrace in support.

"Yes, son.  He's going to live.  But he needs help.  After he heals, he's
going to have to be put in a program to get the help he needs."

I swallowed hard.  "How long?"

"As long as it takes."  Kevin pulled Jason to him and hugged him tightly,
whispering in his ear.

Pete was a statue, not moving in the slightest.  I put my arm around his
waist and tried to get close, but he pushed me away.  "I can't.  Not right
now.  I'm sorry."  He wandered down the hall toward the trauma room,
watching through the glass, leaving me standing there staring after him.
Jason and David drifted down that way too, leaving Kevin staring at me.  I
shrugged, and took a seat in the waiting room.  Where he went next, I don't
know.

A few hours later, Jason, Pete, and David found me sitting in the waiting
room and informed me we were going home.  Jason's eyes were puffy and red,
as were Pete's and David's.  I followed them out to the van, trailing
behind.  Pete squeezed my hand- once- before he climbed in.  Jason drove us
back home.  No one spoke.  No one had any words to say.  I'm sure everyone
was thinking the same things, asking the same questions.  How could Ray do
this to himself?  Why?

Pete looked out the window at the passing spring scenery, chewing on his
knuckle.  I watched him as he struggled with what he'd just experienced.
His best friend outside of me had just tried to kill himself.  I was at a
loss.  How could I help Pete deal with that?  I didn't feel anything,
really, just sad.  Wasn't there anything more inside me?  Didn't I care?

David squeezed Jason's leg as we drove.  He was watching Jason the same way
I was watching Pete, concern dominating his expression.  Jason must feel
the same way Pete does.  Maybe worse, because this reminded him of Jeff's
suicide.  He was maintaining now, but when we made it home, it was going to
be rough.  We still had a mess to clean up.

When we got there, I just told Pete to go clean himself up.  He smiled
weekly and went up the stairs.  Jason and David followed him.

Sighing, I went out into the garage to get some cleaning supplies to scrub
away Ray's blood.  I started with the porch, rinsing it into the grass and
then bleaching the cement in an attempt to get it clean.  I was marginally
successful.

After changing shoes, I came back inside to start on the kitchen.  I
thought I was holding up pretty well, under the circumstances.  Nothing
that had happened was really affecting me.  That was good, because if I
could get all the cleaning done before Pete or Jason came down stairs, it
would make things easier on them.  I hoped they had gone to bed to get some
sleep.

I walked in the kitchen and stopped abruptly, staring down at the dried
pool of blood on the floor.  There, in the center, covered in crimson, was
Ray's medallion.  I fell to my knees and picked it up with trembling hands,
and then quietly wept.

ooo0ooo

I finished cleaning the kitchen four hours after I regained my composure.
I cleaned up the dishes from dinner and ran the dish washer, threw the
cushion covers in the washer and cleaned the carpet stains.  The whole job
had left me feeling exhausted and empty inside.

Pete hadn't come downstairs.  Jason and David were upstairs as well.  Kevin
hadn't called.  I glanced at the clock and was surprised to see it was
after two in the morning.  Pete was likely asleep.  I hoped Jason and David
were as well.  The day's events were the stuff of nightmares.

Ray's medallion was in my pocket.  I'd put it there after I stopped crying.
I pulled it out and looked at it.  Dried blood coated it's shiny silver
surface, a blatant reminder of what had occurred here.  The leather cord
was still damp, and stained a deep brown.  I turned the medallion over in
my hand.  On the back was an engraving.  Jason must have had it done before
he gave it to Ray.  It said:

To Ray Brothers Forever Love, Jason

My breath caught, and tears once again fell from my eyes.  After removing
the leather thong, I washed the medallion clean, and then set about
cleaning the leather.  When I was done, it looked as good as new.

Although I was exhausted, my brain was very active.  I kept replaying what
had happened in my mind's eye, from opening the door and finding a bloodied
Ray, to his cry for help, to trying to halt the bleeding.  No matter what I
tried, I couldn't relax.  I wasn't hungry, I didn't want to read, and
television held no appeal.

After considering for a moment, I crept upstairs and got my sweats out of
our room.  Pete didn't stir at all.  He must be emotionally exhausted, too.
I watched him sleep for a few minutes, the lights downstairs softly
illuminating his face.  The stressed expression he'd worn at the hospital
had been replaced by a peaceful, almost angelic one.  I loved him so much.
I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and hold him forever, but I didn't want
to disturb him now.  Who knows how long it took him to get to sleep.

I quietly closed the door and changed my clothes in the bathroom.  It was
only when I had them off that I noticed how much blood I had on myself.  My
shirt had streaks where I had brushed against Ray's arm while bandaging it.
My jeans were purple in places.  Even my shorts had some blood on them.  My
shoes weren't that bad, but they'd take some work.

I took my clothes downstairs and threw them in the trash.  I didn't want
them reminding me of what had happened.  Then I went to the workshop, and
started lifting.

About four-thirty, I realized that lifting wasn't going to help me relax,
so I went for a run.  A long run.  I didn't come back until well after
dawn.  When I finally got home, the clock said six-ten.  I hadn't been
pushing myself, so I figured I ran about ten miles.  I idly thought I
should get a pedometer so I could track how far I ran.

After such a long run, I was famished.  The cupboards in the kitchen didn't
have much for breakfast unless I wanted corn flakes or pancakes.  In the
fridge I found some bacon and eggs.  I grabbed the cheese and decided to
make myself an omelet.

The smell of bacon frying must have woke up someone, because I heard the
toilet in the master bedroom flush.  A short while later, as I was dishing
up my breakfast, David walked into the kitchen wearing a pair of baggy
shorts and nothing else.  He had a great body.

"Wow.  Did you clean this all up, Brian?"  I nodded in response, and sat at
the table.  "That must have taken hours!"  I shrugged.  David looked at me
hard.  "Did I do something to piss you off?"

I sighed.  "No, David.  I'm just... not sure how I feel about all this."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really.  Not now, anyway.  Maybe later.  I dunno."

"What time did you finish cleaning up?"

"About two."

"You only got four hours sleep?"

"No.  I lifted and took a run.  I wasn't tired."

"You didn't sleep at all."  It was a statement.

"No.  Didn't need to.  I'm sure I'll crash later."

David shook his head.  "I don't know about you, kid."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing bad.  It's like, I think I have you figured out, and then you do
something to prove I don't."

"Like?"

"Like cleaning all this up.  I thought you would have waited until we all
could help."

I shook my head.  "I couldn't do that to Pete and Jason."  I took a bite
and chewed thoughtfully.  "How is Jason doing?"

"We talked until midnight, and then fell asleep.  He's pretty scared.  I
think Ray reminded him of Jeff.  Not how he did it, but that he was willing
to do it."

"I don't think Ray was trying to kill himself."

"How do you figure?  There was a lot of blood."

"If he wanted to kill himself, he wouldn't have made all those cuts.  He
would have made one or two big ones.  He came looking for help, too.  If he
really wanted to die, he would have."

"So why did he do it?"

"I don't know.  Maybe to feel."

"Feel what?"

"Anything. Or nothing.  I don't know.  We won't know until we can talk to
Ray."  I took another big bite, swallowing it almost whole.  I was really
hungry!

David searched my face as I ate, then stood and pulled out a box of cereal.
I finished my omelet as he poured the milk.  I put my plate in the sink and
pulled out a bowl, and got out my corn flakes.

Around a mouthful of raisin bran, David asked, "You still hungry after that
huge thing you ate?"

"Yeah.  I didn't really eat last night, and I had a huge workout."  David
watched in disbelief as I filled the small mixing bowl to the top, added
milk, and a teaspoon of sugar.

David chuckled, "Brian, you're gonna get fat."

I laughed, and jumped slightly as someone spoke from behind me.  "It
wouldn't matter if he did, I'd still love him."  I turned in my seat to
stare into Pete's eyes.  There I saw sadness, pain, fear.  He was afraid.
But what was he afraid of?  "Brian, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to hurt you."

I smiled.  "You didn't, baby.  You just needed your time.  I know that, and
as it turned out, I needed mine too."  I got up and hugged him tightly,
resting my head against his shoulder, listening to his strong heartbeat
through his t-shirt.

He kissed my forehead and pushed me back, delving into my soul through my
eyes.  I couldn't look away, not that I wanted to.  Somehow, deep inside,
we came closer than we already were.  We'd been there for each other, and
each time, it proved a bit more that what we had was real.  It would never
go away.

I lost myself, surrendering totally to him, drifting on the currents of his
thoughts, seeing again for the first time his dreams, his desires, his
fears and insecurities.  I found that he was as insecure as I was, as
self-conscious of his words and actions as I was, but only when he was with
me.  He was afraid he'd do something wrong and make me leave...

"...going to stand there all day long?  You're cereal's getting soggy,
Brian!"

The connection was broken.  I found myself incredibly disappointed, almost
angry at David for yanking us out of something so beautiful.  Tears formed
in my eyes.  Pete's eyes glistened with moisture.  He pulled me to him
tightly, squeezing so hard my ribs were creaking.  He released me and
lifted my chin, then kissed me softly on the lips.  I closed my eyes and
stood there kissing him back, enjoying the contact.  When he pulled away, I
didn't move, still wanting to regain that wonderful rapport Pete and I had
found.

When I did open my eyes, he was smiling gently.  I smiled back, and
reluctantly released him.  Returning to the table, I continued eating my
cereal, watching Pete move around the kitchen.  He pulled out the pancake
flour and whipped up a batch.

As I finished my cereal, fatigue made itself known.  I yawned so hard my
jaw popped, sounding like a gunshot.  David cringed, and Pete grinned.

I yawned again and said, "I think I'm going to take a nap.  Will you wake
me up when we hear anything?"

"Sure, baby.  Sleep well."

"Night, Brian."

I half grinned.  "Night, David."

With effort, I drug myself upstairs to the bathroom and washed my face.
Jason came out of his bedroom just as I walked out.  His face was drawn and
haggard.  He looked like he hadn't slept at all.  I stopped at the top of
the stairs and looked up at him.  He smiled and turned to go downstairs.

"Jason?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?  I mean...."

"I'm doing okay, Brian.  It was a rough night."  He looked down toward the
kitchen.  "I'm dreading cleaning up."

"Don't worry, Jason.  It's taken care of."  I pulled Ray's medallion out of
my pocket and handed it to him.  "I found this.  You'll want to give it
back to Ray when you see him."

He stood there looking at the medallion for a moment, then hugged me
tightly, whispering, "Thank you, Brian."

"No problem, Jase.  Love you, bro."

He released me, and said, "Love you too, Bri."

"I'm gonna take a nap.  Like you said, it was a rough night."

"Okay.  Pete downstairs?"

I nodded.  "Yeah.  He's making pancakes."

"Sleep well."

"G'night."

oooOooo

I awoke with a start, and head-butted Pete right in the face.  He fell back
into a sitting position, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

I had fallen asleep before my head hit the pillow, and slept hard.  Pete
had awoken me from a particularly intense dream, which is why I tried to
sit up so quickly when he had kissed me.

"Are you okay?" we asked simultaneously.  "I'm fine," we said at the same
time.  We both giggled.

"How are you, Bri?"

"I'm fine.  A little tired, but the nap helped.  I have a slight headache."
He grinned.  "What's up?"

"Ray.  We're getting ready to go see him.  Do you want to come?"

"Yeah.  Give me a few to get cleaned up.  How is he?"

"Kevin said he's a little weak from blood loss, but he'll be fine."  Pete
frowned.  "Kevin found a place for him at Salem Hospital."

"You mean, a mental hospital?"

"No, it's a regular hospital.  It'll be a day program, though, so he'll
have to stay down there or commute."

"Ouch.  That's a rough commute too.  Highway twenty-six and two-seventeen,
then down interstate five.  About two hours, huh?"

"That's what Kevin figured too.  He's going to take Ray down and live there
through the week, and come home on the weekends.  If Kevin doesn't take
him, then the state will put him in the state hospital."

"Wow.  Not much choice then.  What about work?"

"Kevin?  He'll be telecommuting as much as possible."

"Our trip?"

"Still on.  But we'll have to stay at the farmhouse while Kevin's gone."

I hugged Pete hard, then got out of bed.  "I don't see that as a problem."

"Me either.  Get ready, Jason's champing at the bit."

Jason was going to drive us to the hospital, but David wasn't going.  He
didn't want to crowd Ray, and had things he needed to do, anyway, so he
said.

About an hour later, we were walking into the hospital at OSHU.  We called
the room Kevin had given Jason, and met him at the elevators when he came
down to get us.  Jason hugged his father, then Kevin hugged Pete and me.
He didn't look too bad for having stayed at the hospital all night.  Maybe
he got some sleep.

"Alright, guys, Ray is awake, but he's tired and hurting.  I don't want any
of you to mention what happened, and if he mentions it, change the subject.
Focus on the positive."

"Is Ray coming home, Dad?"  Jason's anxiety was easy to see.

"I don't know, son.  I haven't brought it up.  I'm not sure how he'll
react."  The elevator doors closed, and we rode it to the fourth floor.  As
the door opened, Kevin reminded us, "Focus on the positive.  Don't mention
what happened, and if he does, change the subject."

When we walked in, Ray was in the right hand bed in a two bed room, laying
there with his eyes closed.  The other bed was empty.  I could tell Ray was
awake by his uneven breathing.  He looked pale, had an IV line in his right
hand, and oxygen tube, and a blood pressure cuff on his left arm.  His arms
were bandaged.

Ray opened his eyes as we surrounded his bed.  He looked each of us in the
eye, and put on a smile that melted away.  Tears formed in his eyes as he
turned his head from us.  He irritably brushed away the moisture, then
turned back to face us.

His voice was weak with emotion.  "I'm sorry."

"Shhhh.  It's okay, Ray," Jason said as he moved to Ray's side, smiling
slightly.  "You're here, and we're here.  Everything is going to be fine."
He stroked Ray's head gently.

"You're with family now, Ray."  Pete moved beside Jason and took Ray's
hand.

Tears once more filled Ray's eyes.  "I know you're just saying that to make
me feel better, Pete.  I appreciate it, but I know the truth."

"And what is that, Raymond?"  Kevin never used Ray's full name unless he
was pissed.

"That I'm going back to the group home."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because of what I did!"  Dejectedly, he continued, "You can't still want
me after I cut myself up.  If you do, you need to have your head examined."

"Are you a mind reader now?" Kevin asked.

"I don't need to be."

"Look at me."  With difficulty, Ray met Kevin's gaze.  "Now, I want you to
listen to me very carefully.  What I'm going to say will affect you the
rest of your life.  It's very important that you understand this."

"I'm listening."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." Kevin stood to Ray's left, across from Pete and Jason.  He wore a
frown, and his eyes were penetratingly intense.  "Listen to me.  You must
understand this."  Kevin's nose was mere inches from Ray's.  "I- love- you.
I always will.  I want you to live with me.  I want you to grow up with me.
I want you, Ray!  I want you to be my son!"

 Ray's disbelief was mirrored on his face.  Ray sputtered, "But- but- but
what about..."

"It doesn't matter.  None of it matters, Ray.  It never did, and never
will.  Don't you understand, Ray?"  Tears ran down Kevin's face.  "Can't
you understand?  We need you!"

"He's right, Ray," Pete said.  Ray's eyes never left Kevin's.  "We need
you. We want you to come home."

Jason quietly said, "I don't want to lose you, Ray.  I don't want to lose
another brother."  He pulled out Ray's medallion and put it in Ray's hand,
closing his fingers over it.  "Please come home."  Ray turned his head and
looked in my eyes.

I shrugged and grinned slightly.  "Told you so."

Ray actually smiled, and then laughed.  The sound filled the room and
lifted everyone's spirits "Yes, you did."  Turning back to Kevin, he asked,
"Is it too late?"

"No, son.  It's never too late."

 oooOooo

We spent the evening talking, catching up on all that had happened.  David
showed up about five.  I swear I thought Ray's eyes were going to pop out
of his head when he saw Jason kiss him.  I heard him whisper, "Omigod!"  He
pulled me to him by my sleeve.  "Is Jason gay?"

"Ask him.  He'll tell you."

Ray cleared his throat.  "Um, Jason?  Is this your boyfriend?"

Jason grinned.  "This is David.  David, Ray."

"Nice to meet you, Ray."

"Yeah.  This is how I impress all of Jason's boyfriends.  Nice to meet you,
too."

David laughed.  "So when are you getting out of here?"

Ray looked up to Kevin.  "Dad?"

"Probably tomorrow or the next day depending on your blood count.  We have
some cleaning up to do before you come home anyway."  Kevin glanced
meaningfully at Pete and I.

"It's all done.  Took care of it last night."

Stunned, Kevin said, "That must have taken you all night!"

"Not really.  I finished up around four, then lifted for a while, and went
for a run.  I took a nap this morning."

"Thank you, boys."

"Don't thank me," Pete said.  "Brian did it all."

Kevin said softly, "Thank you, son."

I grinned.  "Just helping out the family."

Ray looked at me.  "You cleaned up all my blood?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess I did."

"I'm sorry."

"It's over, Ray.  Time to move on, okay?"  His answering smile wasn't
convincing.

A short time later, I found myself unable to keep my eyes open.  Jason and
Pete noticed, and after a saying goodbye, they led me to the van.  I fell
asleep on the way home, leaning against Pete, laying my head on his
shoulder.  I woke when we pulled into the driveway.

"Come on, Bri.  We're home."

I yawned expansively.  "I'm hungry."

"Okay, I'll fix you something.  What do you want?"

"Anything."

Pete smiled.  "I'll bring something up to you.  Go get in bed.  I'll be up
shortly."

Standing in the driveway, I hugged Pete tightly, leaning against him,
enjoying the feel of his hard body against mine.  It couldn't have been
more than a moment, but as I hung there with Pete supporting me, time
stopped.

I was changing.  That detached feeling I used to associate with
relationships was fading away.  It wasn't completely gone, but it was
leaving.  I was beginning to feel like I was worth something, that I didn't
have to pretend to be something I wasn't, because I wasn't pretending in
the first place.  The person I was presenting was actually me.  I knew that
now.  And it was all because of Pete and his family.

With a final squeeze, I released him, and we walked arm-in-arm into the
house.  I followed Pete to the kitchen and helped him make dinner, as far
as I was able.  He chased me away with a grin the moment my fingers touched
the food he was cooking.

David and Jason changed into their sweats and joined me in the living room
to watch TV.  The next thing I knew, Pete was shaking me awake.

"Bri, your dinner's ready."

"Mmm' kay."  I rolled off the couch and onto my feet.  I was surprised to
see Kevin in the kitchen eating as well.

"What're you doing here?  I thought you'd be staying with Ray again."

"He insisted I come home and get a shower," Kevin said between bites. "He
said I stunk."  With mock ire, he took another bite.  I couldn't help but
giggle.  Kevin glared at me until he couldn't hold it together, then
grinned widely.  "He'll be coming home day after tomorrow.  We need to get
his room cleaned up."

"I'll do it," I said as I dug into the plate of pasta Pete had placed in
front of me.

"We'll all help," Pete said.  Jason and David joined us at the table and
helped themselves to the spaghetti.

"Help with what?" Jason asked.

"Getting Ray's room cleaned up for him.  He's coming home day after
tomorrow."

"Really?  Excellent!"  Jason's smile lit up the room.  "We'll get it done
tomorrow."

Conversation centered around Ray's impending arrival, moving on to Kevin
and Ray moving down to Salem.  Apparently, Kevin had told Van what
happened, and since Ray was still a client of the firm, Van agreed to get a
corporate apartment.

"Kevin, I have a question."

"Shoot, Brian."

"How can the firm afford to pay for all of this?  I mean, it's just money
out of their pocket, right?"

"No, actually, this all comes from a charitable fund set up when the firm
was founded.  The amount that goes out of the fund is more than made up for
in investment returns of the fund.  You boys aren't the only people we
help.  There's another young man from around here that is trying to sever
ties from his parents, too.  Another partner in the firm is representing
him."

"I didn't know there was a fund like that, Dad," Jason said.

"We don't make a huge issue of it, because we like to control who gets our
help.  We only go after the toughest cases, or the cases we have a personal
interest in. It's called the Vanderkamp and Partners Child Defense Fund.
Van and his partners started it forty years ago and deposit money in it
each fiscal year.  Pete's fees came out of that fund, as has Ray's, as will
this other young man's.  We also give scholarships to deserving kids.  I
got one when I was getting ready for college.  A full ride."

"How many of these cases like these do you take on a year?"

"Personally?  I've handled three in the past four years.  Ray's has been
especially difficult and drawn out.  Most don't last more than a year.  I
also had other things to deal with, like a losing a son, and almost losing
the other."  Kevin smiled gently at Jason, who smiled back.

"It's okay, Dad.  I understand."

Kevin nodded and continued.  "Other partners handle more, some less, and
associates are encouraged to take up cases as well.  The firm probably
handles twenty to twenty-five of those cases a year, with maybe twenty
attorneys working them."

"Wow.  Is it always emancipation?"

"No, it's not.  Sometimes we take cases against insurance companies because
they aren't paying what they owe, or are refusing medical treatment.  Other
times it's a family too poor to get legal assistance anywhere else.  Most
often, it's a parent and children trying to get out of abusive families."

"How many are kids trying to get away from their parents?"

"About five percent.  They are always abuse cases, too."

"So one out of twenty cases are for emancipation."

"Not really.  Sometimes it's the kid suing one or both parents for monetary
damages, and to get the abuse on record so it can be prosecuted.  The
actual number is closer to one in fifty.  Oh!  I forgot to tell you, Jason.
Mr. Simons was offered a partnership, and he accepted.  So now it's
Vanderkamp, Patterson, Simons and Craine."

"Cool!  Give him my best."

"He was asking about you.  He wanted to know if you need a job this
summer."

Jason looked at David, who cryptically said, "August 10th to the 16th."

"Sure, but I have to have those dates off."

Puzzled, Kevin asked, "Why?"

"David is taking me to Hawaii."

"Oh, really?"

David grinned.  "It's a graduation present from my parents.  They wanted me
to take some nice girl, but I'd rather kidnap your son."

"I can appreciate that.  Have fun, boys."  Somehow, Kevin conveyed his
jealousy in that comment, which we all found hilarious.

I finished up my meal, and excused myself.  After cleaning up, I stripped
and jumped into bed, gladly welcoming the sleep that was sure to overwhelm
me in no time.

oooOooo

The next day dawned rainy and cold.  I crawled out of bed and got my
shower, then went downstairs to the kitchen and fixed myself some cereal
and poured a glass of orange juice.

"Hurry up, honey, or you'll be late for school."

"Okay, Mom."  I finished up quickly and Brenda handed me my lunch and
kissed me on the forehead.  "Have a good day, hon.  Mind your father now."

"I will, Mom.  See ya'."

I walked down the narrow road toward school, my yellow rain slicker
shedding water as fast as the rain could fall.  Trucks would pass me and
spray me with water, but the raincoat just let it slide off.

When I made it to school, the first bell was ringing.  I had Phys Ed first,
and ran to get changed.  I barely made it into place before the tardy bell
sounded, and stood there while role call was taken.  Across from me, I saw
Pete.  He was hot for a thirteen year old.  He didn't acknowledge me in any
way, which concerned me.  He had always at least looked at me, even if it
was with contempt.

"Okay, boys, listen up.  Today, we're playing poison mat."  I groaned.  At
twelve years old and seventy pounds soaking wet, I didn't look forward to
this game of tackling and bodily punishment, especially since I knew it
would give Brent, Randy, and Greg the chance to slam me.  The coached
mouthed the rules that would promptly be ignored once the game began.  I
glanced at Brent and Randy, and both wore evil smiles as they stared me
down.  Greg's sinister grin only confirmed my fears.  It was going to be a
rough morning.

After the opening calisthenics, we proceeded to the wrestling room, which
had a mat on the floor.  In the center was a small gymnastics mat.  The
object of the game was to be the last one to be forced to touch the center
mat.  If you did touch it, you became one of those trying to force others
to touch the mat.

With an immediate sense of dread, I saw Brent was the first chosen to be in
the center.  The coach blew his whistle.  Forty boys raced toward the
opposite wall, trying to avoid getting taken down by Brent.

The first ten passes or so, everything went fine, then I saw Brent look at
me, and nudge Randy and Greg.  They moved so they were directly in front of
me, and my heart dropped.  This was going to be painful.

The coach's whistle blew.  I hesitated for a second, then ran behind a wall
of people on the right side of the mat, using them as a barrier between me
and my three antagonists.  I made it to the opposite wall just before Greg
would have caught me.  He backed up a few steps, and planted himself in
front of me.  Brent stood off to the right, and Randy took the left.  There
was no escape this time.

Again, the dreaded whistle blew.  With sudden determination, I ran right at
Greg, and at the last moment, juked right.  I thought I was through until I
felt a hand catch my shirt, pulling the collar up to choke me.  My feet
flew out from under me, and I was slammed down onto the mat.  Brent and
Greg fell on me hard, driving their knees into my sides.  They picked me up
and carried me to the mat, then dropped me.  I got up and stared at them.
They just smirked.

The scene was repeated four times that day.  In the shower, Pete noticed
me.  "Wow, Brian, what did you do, Try to stop a semi?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're all bruised up."

"Yeah, I guess I did."

"Well, be more careful, next time."

"Yeah.  Right."

I dressed and went out into the hall, just in time to see Pete kiss his
girlfriend, Ashley.  He spent more time with her than with me.  It'd been
that way for about six months.  Disgusted, I turned away, hurt yet again.
I don't know why I let it bother me.  A lot of guys had girlfriends.  But
it did.  Who needed him anyway?

The rest of the day passed like it never existed.  Pete came up to me just
before last period, almost in tears.  "Brian, I need to talk to you.  Meet
me out behind the bleachers?"

"Sure.  Let me put my stuff away."

"See you there."

I hurried to my locker and placed my books inside.  Brent came up behind me
and shoved my forehead into a shelf, cutting it open.  I ignored it as best
I could, as I ignored him.  He walked away a moment later, allowing me to
follow after Pete.

I found him behind the bleacher seats, sitting on the ground with his back
toward me, shoulders hunched over, leaning against a light pole.  I
approached him, my steps crunching in the gravel, but he didn't move.  I
crept closer.

"Pete?"  No response.  Pete, buddy, what's wrong?"  I shook his shoulder
gently.  His body fell over to the left, the blood staining his pants and
the ground under him flowing freely from deep gashes in his forearms.

oooOooo

"Brian, what is it?  Talk to me!  What happened?"  I gasped and inhaled
sharply, and again.  In a panic, I looked around, trying to figure out
where I was.  "Brian, baby, please talk to me."  Breathing hard, I realized
I was in bed, with Pete trying to hold me.  I jumped out of bed and
stumbled over my shoes, falling into the computer desk.  One of the
speakers fell to the floor with a loud crash.  I lurched into the closet
door, slamming it shut as I impacted.

"Brian, it's okay.  I'm here."  Pete stepped off the bed and approached me.

"Stop! Stay right there!"  It was more of a scream than anything else.  The
door opened, and light spilled in from the hallway.

"Can't you guys..."  Jason quickly realized the situation, and said,
"Brian, were not going to hurt you."  He walked toward me.

"Don't come any closer!" I yelled.  My breathing was shallow and fast.  I
knew I was having a panic attack, but I couldn't do anything about it.

Jason called, "Dad!  We need you!"

"Just stay away from me!  Leave me alone!"

"Brian, you're bleeding.  Look at your elbow."  Jason spoke quietly, trying
to calm me down.  It wasn't working.  He took another step forward, and was
only two steps away.

"Come any closer and you'll regret it!"  My speech sounded breathless,
wispy.

"What's going on?"  Kevin's gentle voice came from the hall.

"Brian's having a panic attack."

"Okay, let me in.  Pete, Jason, wait outside."  I watched my boyfriend
leave, his expression one of incredible sadness and worry.  Kevin entered
after they Pete left, holding his hands out to his sides, palms toward me.
I fell to my knees, unable to get my breath.

"Brian, let me help you."

"Stay away!"

"You're hyperventilating.  We need to slow your breathing."

"Leave me alone!"

Kevin came a step closer.  "I'm not going to hurt you."

"Stop!"  It was all I could say.  My vision was closing in.  All I could
see was Kevin.

"I'm going to help you, Brian."  He took another step toward me.

"No!"

The last thing I remember was falling into Kevin's arms.

oooOooo

Saturday morning.  When I woke up, I was alone.  The sun was up, the light
spilling through the partially open blind, making the room stiflingly hot.
Sitting up, I remembered what had happened the night before.  A tremendous
upwelling of rage and disgust filled me.  What the fuck am I doing?  Why
can't it just be over?  I love Pete.  I know I do.  And I know he loves me,
and would never do anything like what I dreamt.

"Goddammit!  Fuckin' bastard motherfucker!"  The words flew from my soul,
voicing the frustration, pain, anger, and self loathing I felt inside.  I
let loose another long stream of obscenities with the same vehemence.  A
moment later, the door opened.  Kevin stood there, gazing passively back at
me as I glared at him.  Unable to meet his eyes any longer, I turned
sideways to him and hugged my knees to me, still glaring straight ahead at
the wall.

"Can I come in?"  I shrugged.  He closed the door behind him.  "You gave us
quite a fright last night."  I didn't respond and continued studying the
wall.  "Do you want to talk about it?"  I shook my head.  "Okay, then."  He
patted his knees and stood.  "I'll see you when you come down, I guess."
He opened the door.

"Why?"

He turned around.  "Why what?"

"Why do I have these dreams?"

"Is that what it was?"  I nodded.  He closed the door and sat again.  I
didn't shift my gaze from the wall.  "What do you remember?"

"Everything.  Every single instant."

"Do you remember what happened after you woke up?"  I nodded.  Kevin
sighed.  "Brian, son, I can't help you if you don't let me in."

I sat quietly for a moment, my mind racing around in circles.  Kevin sat
patiently waiting me out.

"I was at my old school."

"In California?"

"Yeah."

"What happened?"

"I got beat up.  A lot."

"By whom?"

"The guys that used to pick on me down there."

"Is that all?"

"No."  A moment passed in silence before I could continue.  "Pete had a
girlfriend.  It felt like he betrayed me."

"I can understand that."  Another silent moment.  "Then Pete asked me to
meet him by the bleachers, where we first figured things out?"  He nodded.
"When I got there, he was leaning against a light pole with his back to
me."  Tears began to fill my eyes.  "When I got to him, he fell over.  He'd
killed himself! Slashed his wrists!  I couldn't do anything to help him!"

"Is that when you woke up?"

I nodded, then dropped my head to my knees, crying.  Kevin slid over to be
next to me, and put an arm around my shoulders.  A moment later, I stopped
crying as the rage came back.

"Goddamit!"  I looked up and glared at the wall again.

"What, Brian?"

"I'm fuckin' sick of this!  All I want to do is love and be loved, but all
these dreams and shit makes it almost impossible!"

"You have other dreams?"

"Yeah, all the time."

"Do you talk to Will about them?"

"Sometimes.  He gave me some pills to take at night, but they...  I don't
like them."

"So you stopped taking them?"  I nodded.  "When do you see will again?"

"Monday."

"Good.  I want you to talk to him about your dreams again."

"There's nothing he can do about it."

"Don't be so sure.  There's a lot of pain and anger inside of you, Brian.
Until it's dealt with, things won't get better."  I dropped my head to my
knees again.  "Are you ready to get up?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Okay.  I'll have something ready for you to eat."

"I'm not hungry right now."

Kevin peered at me strangely, like he'd just seen something weird.  "You're
not hungry?  Since when!" I looked at Kevin for the first time since he'd
come in.  Between his goofy face and his attitude, I couldn't help but
smile a little bit.  "There you go.  I'll fix something anyway.  It's lunch
time, and the others will be eating soon."

"All right.  Let me get cleaned up and I'll be down."

"Brian? You are loved."

My smile broadened.  "I know.  Sometimes I forget, but you remind me."

Kevin smiled.  "I'll see you down stairs."

I took my shower, taking extra time to let the hot water soothe the tension
away.  I dried and put on some shorts and a t-shirt.  When I got
downstairs, I could hear the others had arrived.  Entering the kitchen, I
was surprised to see Ray and Mrs. Cox sitting at the table as well.

Pete was at my side in no time, looking into my eyes.  All I could do was
whisper, "I'm sorry."  He kissed me on the lips, then the forehead, and
pulled me to him.  It felt good to have his arms around me.  I felt safe
and wanted.

"Hey!  Get a room!"  Oh, boy.  Ray was definitely back.

"Nice to see you too, Ray.  Welcome home."

His irrepressible grin revealed his happiness.  Mrs. Cox was smiling as
well, but I could tell she was still haunted by what had happened.  She
cringed just a bit whenever she looked at Ray.  It was a good thing he was
going to stay with Pete's family.

"Thanks, bro.  It's good to be here."  There were no bandages on Ray's
arms, but surprisingly, Ray only had a few stitches here and there.  I
couldn't tell about his chest and legs, but if the pattern followed, then
he's be back to his normal obnoxious self in no time.

"Soup's on.  Pull up a chair, Brian.  Do you want anything, Mrs. Cox?"

"Oh, no thank you; Brian can have my chair.  I just wanted to make sure
Raymond got settled in.  Remember, you and he have an appointment on the
22nd at Salem hospital."

"No way I could forget that.  Eight o'clock on Monday the 22nd.  We've
already arranged our accommodations."

"Good.  Goodbye, boys."

A chorus of goodbyes followed her out.  I sat in her place as Kevin set
down the plate of hamburgers he'd been grilling out back.  The smell made
me realize I wasn't just hungry, I was ravenous.

"Kevin?  Do you have more on the grill?" I asked.

"Why?  Did you decide to eat after all?"

"Yeah, and I think," I said as I grabbed the plate of burgers, "that
this'll just about do it for me."  Everyone laughed.  It felt good.

The rest of the day was spent just talking to Ray.  We caught him up on
what had happened at school in the time he's been gone, what we'd gone
through, the Kevin-and- Sharon situation, whatever we thought of.

Ray hadn't had an easy time of it after he had left.  He had been in
constant conflict with his keepers.  "It fucking sucks.  I mean, I had to
share a room with this thirteen year old kid.  No privacy at all, and the
staff searched our room three times a week."

"You stayed at a group home?"

"Sorta.  More like a boys home.  About a hundred of us there, ranging from
six to eighteen.  The staff are a bunch of losers, though.  They made me
sit in this office with a shrink for an hour every couple a days.  And
that's all I did.  Didn't say one word to that bastard."

"He might have been able to help you, Ray," I said.

"I ain't gonna sit in a room and have some asshole tell me I had a
traumatic childhood.  I think I know that better than he did!"

"I'm not arguing that, Ray.  There are things that they can teach you to
help deal with all the anger and pain you have."

Ray frowned.  "I guess I don't have much of a choice now."  He looked at
me.  "Does Will really help you, Brian?"

"He helps me a lot.  He taught me how to look at things so I can sometimes
see things aren't as bad as I think they are."

"Oh."

"It's worth a try, Ray," Kevin interjected.  "All I ask is that you try."

"I'll try, pop.  I'm just really skeptical."

"I can accept that."

"Uh, Ray?"

"What, Dad?"

"Why did you run?"

"Oh.  Lots of reasons.  The food sucked, the people were rude and talked
down to me, they made me do things I didn't want to do, and there was no
privacy at all."

"That doesn't tell me why..."

"I skipped class, telling them I was sick. The super made an inspection
tour.  Well, he walked in without knocking and caught me jerking off.  Then
he started yellin' at me how it was a sin and all, all the while checkin'
me out, ya know?  I got dressed while he was screaming, packed my backpack
with my stuff, and just jammed."

"He walked in on you?"

"Yeah, and I didn't even get off."  I couldn't help but laugh.  The imagery
was priceless.

"What did you tell Mrs. Cox?"

"I told her what I told you."  Ray grinned brightly.  "She got so red..."
Everyone cracked up, including Kevin.

"Well, boys, it's time for bed.  Especially so for you, Ray."

"I'm not gonna die."

"I know, but you need to rest and recover.  You still have blood to make
up."

"Okay..."

"Good."

"C'mon, Ray," Jason said, "let's go get you settled in your room again.  We
cleaned it up for you.  Oh, and we put fresh sheets on too.  The others
were stained something terrible."

"Fuck you."

"You wish," David responded, putting a protective arm around Jason with a
smile.

Ray observed the couple for a moment.  Then, pointing at them, he said,
"You two have a lot to explain!  You can tell me while I get ready for
bed."  Ray stood and climbed the stairs two at a time.  David and Jason
followed with a grin.

I yawned deeply.  "Tired, Bri?"

"Yeah.  I didn't sleep well last night."

"I know," he said softly.

"Pete, it's not you.  It's not me, really, either.  I just got a lot of
shit to deal with, and this thing with Ray brought some of it out, okay?"

"I just don't like to see you hurt, Bri."

"Me either.  I'm sorry I hurt you last night."

"You didn't."

"I saw your face when you left.  I know I did."

"It's not a big deal."

"I'll be the judge of that."

Pete sighed.  "I'm not going to win this one, am I?

"Nope.  Let's go to bed.  Night, Kevin."

"Night guys.  Sleep well."

oooOooo

The next morning dawned hot and humid.  I woke as the sun was coming over
the horizon, like I had a timer in me.  I lifted Pete's arm off me and sat
up.  I dressed in my sweats and went downstairs just in time to see Ray
finishing off my corn flakes.

"Hey!  Those were mine!"

"Didn't see your name on them, lover boy."

"Yeah, well."

"Where ya off to?"

"I thought I'd go for a run.  I wanted some OJ before I go, though."

"Help yerself."

"You really just settled right in, didn't you, Ray?"

He blinked for a moment.  "Yeah, I guess I did."  I watched him as he took
another massive bite of cereal.  He chewed and swallowed.  "What?"

"Just watching you.  Are you sure you're okay?"

"What do you mean?  Of course I'm okay."  I let him take another bite and
poured my juice.

"Ray, can I ask you a real personal question?"  I asked.

"Uh, sure, I guess."

"Why did you cut yourself?"  He stopped mid-bite and set down his spoon.
He locked his eyes his hands, resting on the table.

"I didn't want to be alone," he said so softly I had to strain to hear him.

"So you cut yourself?  Did it make you feel better?"

"No.  But it took away the pain."

"By being more painful?"  He nodded miserably.  I sat down next to him,
leaning toward him so I could see his face.  "Did you want to kill
yourself?"

He took in a deep, halting breath, and let it go.  "I did.  Part of the
time.  I couldn't get myself to cut deep enough.  Something stopped me."  I
put my hand on his knee, causing him to jump.  He glanced at me, our eyes
meeting for the briefest instant, before he dropped his gaze back to his
hands.

"What stopped you, Ray?" I asked gently.

He sat still for a moment, then reached into his shirt.  "This."  He held
his medallion in front of his eyes, staring at it.  "Every time I wanted to
do it, I felt this on my chest.  Every time I felt unloved, this damn thing
proved me wrong.  It's like it was laughing at me.  When I couldn't take it
anymore, I knew I had to come home.  I knew I had to go where I might be
loved if I was going to live."

"What made you decide to live?"

He held my gaze now, and the corner of his mouth turned up slightly.  "This
is going to sound really stupid, but Jeff kept me from doing it.  I thought
about what Jason had gone through losing him, and realized, with the help
of this," he raised his medallion again, "that Jason loved me just like he
did Jeff.  I couldn't do that to him.  I couldn't make him go through all
that.

"So I got up, and started walking toward here, taking back alleys and
trails.  Some one saw me, but they didn't do anything other than run.  Then
I got here.  I couldn't knock.  I stood there for I don't know how long.  A
minute maybe.  Two?  Then the door opened, and I saw all of you.  I don't
remember what happened after that."

"Wow.  Are you doing all right now?"

He took a deep breath.  "No, Brian, I'm not.  I don't know why I'm telling
you this."  He ran his fingers through his hair.  "I'm scared shitless.  I
don't know what to do anymore.  It's like I'm flailing around in the water,
and the only thing that can keep me afloat is you guys.  Dad says I need
help.  Maybe I do.  But I can tell you one thing.  If I ever get taken away
from Dad again, I will kill myself."

"No, Ray.  You don't have to.  As soon as the papers are signed, you can't
be taken away.  You're Kevin's son.  You're Pete's and Jason's brother."  I
grinned.  "You're my brother-in-law.  And you're my friend, even if you are
the most annoying person I've ever met."  I put my hand on his shoulder.
"We all love you, no matter where you've been or what you've done."

He closed his eyes, head down again.  Taking deep steady breaths, he tried
to keep himself under control, but he just couldn't hold it in.  He turned
to me and hugged me, resting his head on my shoulder as he cried.

Ray and I talked until Kevin came down for breakfast.  We shared our pasts
and were amazed at some of the similarities.  I told him he might want to
consider letting Kevin in, because it might help, but Ray wasn't sure if he
was ready to do that.

We became much closer friends that morning.  I came to realize that, once
you get through the gruff, flippant exterior, Ray was really a nice guy,
and just as insecure as the rest of us.  When Kevin did come down, Ray put
his mask back on, and I respected his choice to play his role for now.

Pete and I spent the rest of the week getting ready for our road trip.
We'd be leaving at six on Monday morning, early enough to get a jump on
traffic, not that there would be much on twenty-six out to the beach.

We had a small farewell party on Sunday afternoon with just our families.
Dad came over, as did Van and his wife.  Kevin got a real surprise when
Van's son, Kevin, came with them.  They hadn't seen each other since they'd
graduated from Law School, and quickly monopolized Dad and Kevin.  Jared
came over, too.  He and Ray avoided each other for as long as they could
until Pete and I brought them together to talk things out between the two
of them.  We left them in our room, and backed out quietly.

A short while later, Jared took his leave and went home without a word.
Pete climbed the stairs and came back down after a few minutes, obviously
unhappy.

"Jared wouldn't accept his apology.  Ray wants some time alone."  I nodded,
looking up toward our room.  Ray had said some really terrible things to
Jared.  I hoped Jared would one day be able to set this aside and be Ray's
friend once again.

Sunday night, Pete and I went to bed early, as did Ray and Kevin.  We'd all
be getting up around five: Pete and I were heading west to the coast, and
Kevin and Ray were heading south to Salem.  Jason and David were acting
like little children, knowing that they'd have the house to themselves for
most of a month.

We made slow, gentle love that night, just doing what felt right, and
after, we fell asleep in each others' arms, completed and whole.  In that
moment, everything was right with the world.

oooOOOooo

Constructive criticism and comments gladly accepted.  E-mail them to
dewey@deweywriter.com.  Check out my website: http://deweywriter.com