Date: Sat, 21 Jun 2008 00:03:46 +0200
From: Jacob Poot <feistontibia@gmail.com>
Subject: For the sake of it: Emotions on display chapter 5

Written by: Feist
E-mail: feistontibia@gmail.com


---------------------DISCLAIMER--------------------
This story will eventually contain sexual acts
between underage males. It will also contain strong
language, violence and graphic details.
If you are underage, stop reading now.
If you live in an area where any of these before
mentioned acts are illegal, stop reading now.
If you're offended by existentialist views, or sexual
acts between male teenagers, stop reading now.
If this does not apply for you, enjoy reading!
---------------------DISCLAIMER--------------------


			CHAPTER 5

I decided to walk to my next class alone. I didn't walk the hallways
with someone often, but now I really didn't feel like it. Me and my
thoughts, that was all the company I needed. It only just occurred to me
that there was going to be a funeral soon. From early age I have hated
funerals, and for sixteen years I have had quite some. The worst ones
were my grandma from dad's side, and my uncle from mother's side. My
nature is that I don't cry very often, not even at funerals. There's
only one thing that can really make me cry, and this is seeing my mom
cry. Something about seeing her cry breaks me up. It might be some kind
of..instinct. My dad's funeral was going to be worse than those two
funerals put together. I would definitely have a hard time, and my
mother probably even worse. I'd probably have to support her again like
yesterday evening. But who was going to support me?

I don't know where the thought suddenly came from, but I felt like I did
need some support. The only question was; who from? I would like to say
that I had friends enough I could take with me, but thinking about it, I
didn't think anyone from my school would come. Why would they come to my
dad's funeral? No one basically knew him but me and some teachers. Oh
yea, there would probably be some teachers, just out of politeness
towards me.

I crossed half the school already when I bumped into Terry Brighton.
Terry was a freshmen who I recently met on the school grounds. It was
about a month ago, while having lunch in the school yard, trying to
finish off some dull history essay. I was just about to close it out of
boredom, when a boy about my age walked towards me. He sat down beside
me, and looked at my paper.

"What is it your writing?" he asked me expectantly. I didn't know how to
respond, I had never seen him before so I guessed he was a freshmen.

"Just some history paper..why'd you ask?" I asked him while looking more
confused than I wanted to. Normally a sophomore doesn't really hang out
with freshmen, or the other way around. It was quite impressive he
actually dared to just sit down next to me.

"Oh, well I saw you sitting all by yourself while everyone else was
having fun so I decided to come here. I like sitting alone too." he told
me. There was just a flash of some..emotion I couldn't quite read in his
eyes before it left already. Strange, I thought.

"Now, then, why don't you actually sit by yourself?" I asked him. It
came over very blunt, and I only realised it later. "I mean..it's no
problem, you can sit here if you want." I said, trying to undo what I
said. He kept silent for a few seconds, probably thinking of what to
say. He was getting a bit nervous I saw.

"It's no problem, I can leave if you want, class is starting soon
anyway." he said, his face drawn to something invisible on the ground.
"My name is Terry by the way. Terry Brighton." He raised oud his hands
and I shook it.

"I'm Damian Roberts; nice to meet you" I told him, trying to get a smile
on my face. The kid was trying, so I had to at least be nice about it. I
took some time to study Terry a bit better. He had very blonde hair,
even white-ish, almost reaching his ears. The way it hung over his
forehead looked very cute. He had soft blue eyes, and while taking a
better look, I noticed his eyes were pretty amazing. There was just...a
hint of mystery there. I don't now why I didn't see it on first sight,
but Terry was actually really cute. A..boyish sort of cute. There was
probably only one year between us, but it made all the difference. He
suddenly stood up.

"Nice to meet you too Damian, I'll see you around." he said with a
cheerful grin on his face. He picked up his bag and walked away. I
stared at him until he was out of sight. That was another one to add to
my favorite jack-off list. It was only five minutes before my own class
started, so I put my pens and the essay away in the bag and made my way
into the school.

Within a month we had started to talk for about five minutes a day, just
some school talk, nothing important. Somewhere within the first week I
met him, I saw him walking close to a girl, who later turned out to be
his girlfriend. They really made a pretty couple, and I hoped she
realised she was lucky. Terry's a good kid.

When I bumped into him, he dropped his books. He looked like he was in a
hurry, even though his class wouldn't start for another five minutes. He
went down to the floor and started picking up his books.

"Hey Terry, I'm sorry. Let me help you." I picked up some books for him
and handed them over. Something in his face looked...different.
"Something wrong Terry? Looks like you don't feel well or something" I
asked with a bit of concern in my voice. He looked up at me, gave a big
sigh, and looked down again.

"It's Rachel. We broke up yesterday." he said with a pout on his face.
"Turns out she liked someone else.. for a while already".

Poor Terry, from what it seemed he really liked Rachel, and the few
moments I had seen her, she seemed like a nice girl. "I'm sorry Terry,
that's sad to hear. Did she cheat on you or something?" I asked, trying
to get him to tell more.

"She said she didn't, and I trust her. She told me she'd never do that,
and decided she had to tell me." he said, getting a bit more
comfortable. "By the way..I heard what happened to you....and your dad..
I'm sorry Damian".

So everyone in the school basically knew. Of course they did, they would
probably even give a message over the intercom. I had been drawn into
thoughts so much that I didn't even realise that nothing had been said
about the accident yesterday. "Thanks Terry..yea..Don't know what to say
about it really." I told him, and I felt like being honest with him. "I
actually don't feel all too bad, minding the situation. I have no idea,
the thoughts just don't get through or something." I said, scared of
what he might find.

"Well, that actually sounds pretty understandable. A few years ago, when
I was nine, my best friend passed away from leukemia," he said, clearly
reminding things. "It wasn't until a week after he died that I began to
feel it really. All the time it seemed so unreal, so unbelievable,
especially at age nine. It was only when I did things that I normally
did with him, like watch television, play soccer, that I noticed it. I
noticed the loneliness, and it was a big smash to reality to have to
accept that he wasn't coming back anymore." he said, after which his
eyes just turned away and looked into nothingness. What a horrible thing
to happen when your just nine I thought.

"Wow Terry, that must've been really hard...And yea, what you say
sounds...it actually just might be true. I just hope it won't be too
bad" I said, with a small grimace on my face. He looked at me and gave
me a pat on my shoulder.

"Trust me, it will be. And I'll be there for you when it happens." he
said, closing his bag. "I've gotta run now, only two minutes left". I
realised he also felt down, and knew I had to tell him something too.

"Hey Terry? You take care too OK, what goes for me also goes for you" I
said, and then we both went our different paths. Terry. I still didn't
know what to think of him. On one side he was really cool, but something
inside me told me I didn't need friends. And really, I didn't. He was
the second to mention he'd be there for me, which, somehow, felt good.
If there was a moment in the future I needed something, I knew who to
turn to.

Five minutes later I arrived at English class. Just in time. I stepped
into the class and already looked around for signs of Dario. Secretly I
made sure at the beginning of this year that I was positioned next to
him in class, even though we only spoke occasionally. He was one of the
popular kids in school, a reputation he gained from his looks and the
sports he played. Girls basically drooled whenever they saw him, and he
was invited to almost every party. Even some party's organised by
juniors. There's something...ultimately cool in high school about being
invited to a party one grade higher than you're in. I hated it,  I
really didn't see why.

Yes, he looked good, he basically looked gorgeous. Drop-dead gorgeous
even. Did I mention him being cute? That's how I get when I'm around
him. Yet, somehow I also hate being around him. It's the perfect example
of relishing something only because of looks. There are a few things
that give you a high place in society, and looks is definitely one of
them. He was up in the sky in the looks department. It also seemed that
the prettier the person, the dumber they are. Their view of the world
limits themselves to only see what they want to see. And why shouldn't
they, having invitations and offers thrown towards them every single
day. I'd rather be..normal and keep a healthy state of mind.

"Hey Damian, how's it going afer..? I'm sorry by the way.." Dario said
to me, with a stern look on his face. It was nice of him to say so, I
actually guessed he'd let the subject be without talking. It would've
been easier on him, not knowing me quite well and everything. I did
appreciate it however, especially since I didn't expect it.

"Thanks..I think I'm OK, thanks for asking.." I said, and noticed the
slight tremble in my voice. God, why did I have to stammer in his
presence? Wasn't I the one who gave nothing about the whole society
picture? I saw Dario give me a quick nod, after which he returned to his
books. Most of the class was uneventful, until the intercom started.

"Yesterday was a day we can't, and won't ever forget. One of our school
buses was involved in a major accident, in which two of our students
died." our principal, Mrs. Trevelyan, said. "We also regret to inform
you that the other car was being driven by one of our student's parent."
she continued, after which the whole class seemed to look at me. It was
to be called highly uncomfortable. What did they think of me? What did
they think about my dad? They must think he was just a reckless driver
without common sense. A complete idiot. Now what would that make me? I
stared back at some people that were still looking at me, and they all
diverted their gaze when they noticed. Even the teacher seemed to be
uncomfortable about the whole situation. "For we are never able to
indicate the cause of the accident, we shall not give blame to anyone.
Let us now be silent for two minutes, in which we take the family's of
those involved into our thoughts, and take our lives into
consideration." she said, after which the intercom went silent.

You could hear a needle drop. There was no sound at all, not even birds
chirping or cars driving. Would my dad be watching me now..? I asked
myself. The silence made me feel even more alone, I could think more
than I normally did. The last image my dad had of me..was it a good one?
Did I make him proud? I remember him being mad at me just the other day
for not properly cleaning my room. My mother told me about it, but I
just didn't feel like listening. This made him really upset. So what was
I now? What if he died, with a picture of me being the annoying little
brat who never listens.. I knew I was better than that, and I didn't
want him to have this image of me. I felt a tear running down my cheek,
and noticed this was the first time I actually became emotional.

>From everything that happened these two days, knowing my dad died while
visioning me as a bad kid, hurt me the most. And I was never going to be
able to change that image again, no matter how hard I tried. In my dad's
memory, I'd always be the bad kid. I couldn't take it anymore, the
silence got to me and I knew I had to get out of the classroom before
things would get worse. I shoved my chair backwards and stood up.
Everyone was now watching me, with confused looks in their eyes. They
all said nothing, but their faces said enough. I took my bag and walked,
just a little bit faster than normal, out of the classroom. No one tried
to stop me, not even the teacher. I guess they all understood, or at
least tried to.

The hallway was nothing different from the classroom; no sound to be
heard. It was completely empty, because of all the students being in
their classroom. I don't know how long these two minutes took, but for
me it took ages. It couldn't be over quickly enough. It was like if
these two minutes were made to torture me, make me feel bad about not
mourning my dad the proper way. I made my way to the nearest restroom
and sat down on the floor, putting my bag next to me. My dad..I'd never
see him again. From there everything became a blur. I started crying,
about everything that was going on. I'd never see my dad again, my mom
was starting to get crazy, I didn't have any real friends, and...life
just sucked. It could've been either five or twenty minutes, I had no
idea for how long I sat there, crying. At some point I heard the school
bell, indicating the end of class. I tried to pull myself together,
stood up and went into the closest stall. Cheer up Damian. Cheer up. No
one needs to see you like this, you're strong, you can pull yourself
through this alone. You'll be OK, if you just act like it. The mental
issues, you can deal with. Later. I got out of the stall and washed my
face with some water, looking at my reflection in the mirror. It was
obvious that I had cried, but I guess I didn't care about it. The first
one who was going to ask me about it, would get a full frontal blow in
the face. Or at least a decent name calling.

Throughout the rest of the day I managed to keep my emotions under
control; no sudden outbreaks or heavy emotional states. I was glad for
it. One time a day should be enough for now. I did notice however that
some of the students I was in class with handled me with a bit more
precaution. As if I would suddenly go suicidal and take everyone along
with me. I wished they would stop staring at me like they were. The only
positive thing from the remainder of the day was seeing Dennis again. I
just finished my last class, when I saw him in the hallway amongst the
other students. It seemed like he was searching for something in his
locker, but it couldn't have been more obvious that he was carefully
watching who walked past him. I therefore just continued and said
nothing. I wondered who he was looking for. Just when I crossed him, he
turned around.

"Hey Damian! Good to see you...I've heard from someone that you..walked
away during class? wow..You know, my offer still counts." he said, with
a lot more bravoure than during world history class. This must've been
what he thought too, because he suddenly blushed. "Ehm I mean..that
is..if you want to of course. I can understand if you'd rather be alone
or..with someone else." he said, the last sentence almost under his
breath. Did he know how unimaginably cute he was being? He probably had
no idea, which made it even better. I'm sure I fall for the cute boy who
doesn't happen to know he's cute. They don't take everything for
granted, they're a lot less artificial. They actually have a
personality, not influenced by other people. Ego is a bitch.

"Don't be stupid Dennis, you know I'd talk to you if there was
anything..just..now isn't the time really. I don't think there's
anything I could really talk about now." I said, and noticed how much of
a rejection this actually was. "You know, we could hang out some time
though, just to..talk or something.." I said then, making some kind of
friendly offer. I could've hit myself against the face at that moment.
Was I actually trying to be social here? Was I trying to make a friend
out of all this? I knew I was weak, but forsaking my thoughts this
easily was something I didn't see happening. And yet..there was
something else drifting upwards in my chaotic mind. I couldn't really
get a grip on it, but there definitely was something. You could call it
an entity. I also didn't know if it should scare me, or if I should be
happy about it. The only thing I could do was see what happened, and
then either embrace it or arm myself against it. Only time could tell.

The look on Dennis' face seemed to light up instantaneously. "Wow, ehm,
sure! Yea that would be cool!" He said, excitement flooding off his
face. He couldn't even stand still at this moment anymore, he just had
to nervously hop from one foot to the other. "So what do you
think..maybe next week? or..wait..you'll have to attend a.." he said,
now beginning to blush heavily again.

"Next week is fine Dennis," I told him. I didn't want to torture the
kid. I don't think he has a lot of friends, considering he's getting all
reeled up from me spending time with him. I was the opposite of it. I'd
rather be with myself, alone. But I guess one afternoon of hanging out
didn't mind. Plus he wasn't bad to look at, so that was some advantage.

It was three-fifteen. I had finished school for today, and remembered
that my grandma was picking me up. I walked through the building, glad I
was finally released. Once outside, I went to sit on the bench close to
the drive way. From there it would be a matter of seconds to walk to my
grandma's car. I watched the other student's leaving the school,
grouping up with each other and laughing. It seemed so strange for me,
laughing so much with a group of kids. Don't they see it's...like no
use? What will they gain from it eventually? I'm glad I could manage so
well with myself, later in life no one would catch me on being lonely.
And that's when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Damian! what's up?" I heard from behind. I instinctively knew it was
Terry, from the sound of his voice. I could already imagine his gorgeous
looking face, his stunning blue eyes and hair I would just love to rub
my hands through. Blonde/white hair was such a turn on. I looked around
me and saw Terry standing there. So I was right.

"Hey Terry, ehm..not much I guess, just waiting for my grandma to pick
me up.." I said, with a sheepish smile on my face. I shouldn't have to
look into his face too much, it clearly did no good for my nerves. From
around me I heard a car horn and knew my grandma had arrived.
"Well..that's my taxi I guess. I'll see you later Terry, take care!" I
said, picking up my bag and giving him a nod.

"OK then, I'll see you later. Oh and Damian?" he said, as if remembering
something. "Here's my number, for if you fo decide that breaking down is
better while having someone there. After my breakup with Rachel I might
need it a bit too, so it's a win win situation.." he said, with a small
smirk on his face. I could see that it hurt him to talk about rachel.

"Thanks Terry, we'll see. Later then!" I said, turning around and
walking towards my grandma's car.

I saw my mother sitting in the front, still looking at nothing. I opened
the side door and climbed in the car.

"Hello Damian," my grandma said. "How was school today..?" she asked me
with a frown on her face. "Your teacher called me just now and told me
you managed to do quite well." she said, giving me an approving nod.

"Yea I'm fine grandma..It could've been worse I guess." I said, trying
not to show that I had been crying. My grandma would definitely notice.
"How's mama doing?" I asked her, hoping that the answer would be
positive.

"Well, your mother is basically OK. She's just having a lot of stress
right now, and she can't cope with..things yet. She'll need to rest. For
now she's got some medication to keep her steady, and make sure she
doesn't get too emotionally down." she said, throwing concerned looks at
my mom next to her. "There's nothing for you to worry about though; I'll
be staying for a few more days until your mom can deal by herself
again." she said, giving me a small smile through the rear view mirror.

"Thanks grandma..thanks for taking care of us.." I said. I really did
appreciate it a lot. And that was when my mom started talking.

"Damian, why didn't you do what I told you this morning?" she said, a
dangerous undertone in her voice. "You had to get your father out of
bed. Now he came late to work. His boss called me, and he wasn't happy!"
she said. It sounded like she believed everything she were saying. "I
guess this means I have to ground you until you behave again, young man"
was the last thing she said about the subject. I still didn't feel like
objecting to her, but this time it hurt. How could my mom believe it was
my fault now..?

"Calm now Helen," my grandma said. "We'll be home soon. Try to think
about what happened to your husband." she tried to tell her carefully. I
then looked at my mom, who's face changed again, this time to being sad.
I really wondered what was up with her.

I took one more last look at her, and then started looking outside. My
mind drifted away, like hers did this morning. To a place where all my
thoughts seemed justified.


END OP CHAPTER 5


-----------------------------
FIRST of all: THANKS for all the reply I've had so far! This is just the
5th installment of te story an yet I seem to have gathered some fan base
already! WOW!
Thanks to take your precious time to write me.
I would gladly like to hear what Your opinion is in what I posted here.
Feedback and reply will be my main motivation to continue.
This story is going to be posted in multiple chapters.
This will change however in later installments, when the characters are
build.
The story will eventually turn out to be a high school romance, with a
darker side
towards fantasy. Existentialist views are spread around every chapter.
-----------------------------