Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2008 20:15:24 +0200
From: feistontibia@gmail.com
Subject: For the sake of it: Emotions on display chapter 6

Written by: Feist
E-mail: feistontibia@gmail.com


---------------------DISCLAIMER--------------------
This story will eventually contain sexual acts
between underage males. It will also contain strong
language, violence and graphic details.
If you are underage, stop reading now.
If you live in an area where any of these before
mentioned acts are illegal, stop reading now.
If you're offended by existentialist views, or sexual
acts between male teenagers, stop reading now.
If this does not apply for you, enjoy reading!
---------------------DISCLAIMER--------------------


			CHAPTER 6

The house felt different from how it normally felt. Something was
missing inside of it. A feeling that was knocking on the back of my head
for the rest of the day. As soon as we got home, my mom walked upstairs
and went to bed. She said she didn't feel quite well and needed some
rest. Weirdly enough, my grandma didn't protest. I would've thought
she'd keep her out of bed, to get back into a normal rhythm as soon as
possible. She only looked at my mom though, gave her a gentle nod, and
walked into the living room. I went inside with her, and sat down in the
chair opposite from her.

"There's someone coming in to talk about your dad's funeral Damian." she
said, looking uncomfortable. "I know you probably don't feel like it,
but I want you to be there during the conversation." she said, even
though I had no idea why she wanted me there. "Your mom is not very well
at the moment and I think it might be better if she's actually not
there. I will of course ask her, but I don't think so. She's too much in
denial."

"But..what will I have to do..?" I asked her, afraid of that I would
have to organize all kinds of things. I had never had this before, never
someone so close to me had...died. It still felt very unreal, and I
could understand my mom's denial. If my dad would've walked in this same
moment, I wouldn't have found it weird. It was just..too fresh. Of
course I knew it wasn't going to happen, but between knowing, accepting
and realizing is a big difference.

"Oh there's nothing to worry about dear," she said, seeing how
uncomfortable I looked. "He just wants to have a conversation with us to
see what kind of people we are. He will also have to know how many
people we expect there to be, and a few other things." she said,
nonchalantly. "...But there's something else..He will also want to know
who's going to speak for your dad, and if that includes close
family..such as yourself." she said hesitantly, looking me in the eye
with an expressionless face. Now that struck me. I completely overlooked
the fact that they might ask someone to speak for him. And that person
could be me. It scared me, but it also gave me an interesting look on
things.

"Well..Yes, I guess I could say a few words..," I said, picking my words
carefully. I stood up and walked towards the kitchen, wanting something
to drink. "You want anything to drink grandma?" I asked, figuring she
also had a busy day.

"Sure dear, just make some tea please." she said, when I looked into the
room. I put the water on, and walked back to the living room. "Thank
you, now let's talk about what you're going to say then." she said, and
it was clear that she was happy with my decision. "It doesn't have to be
much, a few words, spoken from the heart, will do. It's about the
quality of them, not the quantity" she said, making sure I understood
well. "Your father was a very good man, and there's a lot of things
about him that you could mention. You could also just express your love,
or how much you miss him. Anything is basically fine, as long as your
comfortable with it." she said. I knew she was right, and I knew I
wasn't able to hold a long speech for sure.

"Thanks grandma, yea I know that. I'm going to write the speech this
evening." I said, already thinking of what to put into it. This was my
last chance to somehow personally speak to my dad, pay him my last
respect. I also knew that if I wanted to come clear with my conscience,
I had to apologize for being hard on him. Only that way I would be able
to feel comfortable thinking about him in the future. "I don't know how
personal it will be, but I'll manage." I said, looking at her and giving
her a small smile to indicate I was fine.

"That's good dear, and if you want me to proof read it perhaps, to
correct some errors, just say so." she said, and I was very happy with
the offer. The letter was going to contain things that I didn't want her
to know before the funeral yet. Things I wanted to tell that would be
most uneasy to do so with such a big audience. The water for the tea
would be boiling now, so I stood up again to pour in the tea. Coming
back into the living room, I sat down and drank my tea quietly. My
grandma did the same, even though I was sure there was something she
wanted to say. I decided not to pay any attention to it though, and let
it rest. When I finished, I excused myself and went upstairs. Once in my
room I booted my computer, and waited for it to finish. I then opened a
text editor and stared at the blank screen.

What do you write for someone who is so close to you? The feelings you
have for these people is so unexplainable you can hardly do it within a
five minute speech. Which is a long time already. I decided I'd just put
the things in it that I wanted my dad to know, some things about myself,
some apologies, and how much I loved him. That would cover most of the
things, without making everything too long. The question was also; what
would my mood be once I got there? I mean, I might be crying like a baby
for all I know. Damn this was hard..If I were to make the story too
emotional, I'd definitely not be able to maintain myself. This should
all not be happening.

I worked for what I thought was a long time. I had never liked writing,
but this was something that just had to be done. At some point I heard
the door bell ring and I knew the guy for the funeral was there. I just
waited in my room for my grandma to call me, which I figured she would
soon. It did however take a lot longer than I expected, and I was just
about to finish my concept when my grandma called me downstairs.

"Damian? Can you come downstairs for a bit?" my grandma called, and I
stood up, saved my file and went downstairs. In the living room I saw a
man, somewhere in his mid-fifty's, sitting in a chair near my grandma.
My grandma and me sat down again, and I waited for what was about to
come. The man wore a black suit, indicating that he was doing business
and that it wasn't a happy one. He did however look friendly, and tried
to comfort me a little with his smile.

"Hello Damian, just call me Saul for now. I'm here to discuss some
things with your family about your dad's funeral," he said, and it was
certain by the tone he used that he was feeling more comfortable than
anyone else I ever met when talking about deceased close ones. "Your
grandmother told me that you wanted to give a speech?" he asked me.

"That's correct," I answered, but knew for myself already that I wasn't
going to let anyone, nor my grandma, see it.

"Very well, do you also know how long it's going to be? Because there
might be other people who want speak too." he said, but my grandmother
knocked him off.

"I think the boy is allowed to speak for as long as he wants, it won't
be too long but just let him be." she said, smiling softly at me, but
making sure the man understood what she wanted.

"That's settled then. May I ask, can I see Mrs. Roberts please, if it's
not too much trouble?" he asked, looking hopefully at my grandma.

"I'll try to see if she's fit to come downstairs" she said, after which
she stood up and went upstairs. It took about three minutes, and I tried
to notice any sound that may come from upstairs, but I couldn't hear
any. When my grandma came down eventually, she was followed by my
mother. She was wearing her pajama's, and looked like she just woke up.
"Sit down now Helen," my grandma said, and urged her into a seat. My mom
sat down, looked at me, and then at the man sitting close to her. When
he noticed my mother was alsoy mentally in the room now, he spoke.

"Hello Helen, you can call me Saul. I'm here to arrange your husbands
funeral, as you might know. Are there any specifics from your side?" he
asked my mother, knowing how hard it must be for her.

"Well...no... Not any that I know of though, maybe the choice in music,
or flowers or something?" she asked. I was glad that she at least faced
the fact that my dad was actually dead. "Oh and..I think I would like to
give a speech.." she followed, then looked down miserable. "It'll be the
last thing I can tell him..." she said, and she now seemed like crying.

"That's settled then... Your son also wants to say some words, so you
might help each other with it" Saul said, looking at both of us. My mom
then looked at me, and I saw a sparkle in her eyes. She must've been
very proud that I wanted to say something. It showed how much I cared,
and that's what she needed. Saul stayed another ten minutes, in which we
discussed some seating arrangements, flowers and music. He then left us,
after everything was taken care of. I'd have another day of school, and
then the moment would be there. My last chance of saying goodbye.

I went upstairs, and left my mother and grandma in the living room. My
grandma would be cooking dinner soon, and my hope was that my mother
would maybe help her. It would be great if she was going to do stuff by
herself again, the sooner the better. I once again went behind my
computer and looked over what I wrote. I found that it didn't look very
bad; it contained everything that I wanted to say, including apology's
and everything. There was something missing though, something I couldn't
quite grab hold of. It wasn't that the speech was unfinished, it just
lacked something. Something...very important. I decided to let it rest a
bit, and that it would come up soon. I started my mail program to see if
there was anything new. School send me a message that I would be having
a free period tomorrow 3rd hour, which was good since this was normally
math class. But the thing that really caught my eye was a mail from
Terry. Now why would he send me a mail? That really was the first time
he did that. Normally we only spoke at school, during breaks or whenever
we saw each other in the hallway. I opened the mail and read it.

"Hey Damian, what's up? I have no idea why I send you this mail, but
just thought it might help you feel a bit better. You really looked
weird today at school; no offense there! seriously though man, if you
ever want to talk about something, just say so. I won't try to kill you
for your thoughts you know ;). Well, hope to see you at school tomorrow,
and just remember, cheer up dude!" I read the mail twice, just to get
the complete message. It was very neutral, yet I was really glad with
it. This might be the first really personal mail someone send me. I
never really had friends who I mailed with, I simply never let anyone
get that close to me. I figured; why not, and hit the reply button.

"Hey Terry, thanks for sending me a mail. It does help my mood a bit,
and I can use it really! School mailed me that I've got 3rd period off,
so..maybe you wanna hang out or something? That is if you don't have
class of course. Well, see you tomorrow!" I wrote, and reread my message
a few times. It was also neutral, I didn't have to be afraid of him
thinking more of it. It was just enough, no more no less. I pressed the
send button, and left my computer.

I went downstairs into the kitchen and saw my mom preparing dinner
together with my grandma. I couldn't help but smile by the sight of
this, my mom would actually get better soon. This morning was just..a
mistake, one that I had to forget. We had quite an enjoyable meal this
evening; potatoes with vegetables and a nice piece of meat. Dinner was
quite uneventful, and my mom looked more normal than she had all day.
She didn't even have to cry, or have mood shifts. She even asked me how
school was, and how I was feeling. I explained her how I felt without
letting too much emotion escape, afraid she might take offense and get
depressed all over. After dinner we all helped cleaning up and just
tried to enjoy the rest of the evening. It was around ten when we all
went to bed.

I sat behind my desk once more to check if I had any mails, but sadly
enough I didn't. It would be cool if Terry had reply'd to my mail, but I
guess I should be happy with just one. Why was I even so... glad with
his mail? I thought about it for a while and had to admit I cared for
Terry quite a bit. It's not very strange though; he's one of the only
people I speak with at school, and he's always nice to be around.
Something crept in the back of my head. Something I tried to deny until
now, but that couldn't be locked away for ever. Did I..like Terry? I
don't think I've ever liked someone before, except for my jack-off
fantasies. But those are just because a teenage gay boy needs SOME
release. No, I can honestly say that I've never..liked someone before,
and was clearly trying to keep it so. I don't need someone in my life,
it's all just hinder for things that are really important; things that
do matter. Besides, how long do relationships last? I thought some more
about what it was I could expect from a relationship, like weighing the
pro's and con's.

A relationship for me, would be completely romantic. Yes, I agree, who
ever thought I was a romantic? But I am! There's nothing more beautiful
than two people who sincerely love each other. The love that you read
about in books though, not the love we practice from day to day. If I
would ever want to have a relationship, I'd have to be certain that the
other one would never cheat on me. Cheating is...the most horrible thing
in the world. If you truly love someone, you don't do this to your
partner. So that's clear; no cheating. A love so strong that it doesn't
require someone on the side. Also I would have to be able to laugh with
someone, and feel comfortable around him. Now most relationships start,
while both people know that it might eventually go over. Look at them
heterosexual couples; they have a fling for a week and then it's over.
And during the fling, they're talking about how they know it's not the
person they're gonna spend their life with. They take a relationship as
an excuse to have lots of sex. This is not how I am though; I want a
relationship in which I know that I'm not going to break up from the
other person, and the same in the opposite way. I know it sounds
ridiculous; everyone wants this, but in nine out of ten cases this
doesn't happen. Other people even say that it doesn't exist. Then let's
keep it this way; no relationship for me. I just don't want it, except
if it meets all the above. No one-night stands, no one-week
relationships, only the real thing. And if that real thing doesn't
exist, then so be it. I'll just be waiting for it, and if it doesn't
come, then I'll be alone with myself. No big deal.

Or is it a big deal? I was worrying about a lot of things lately, and
people like Terry, Dennis and Dario kept coming into my head. What if
my.. instincts or something told me otherwise? That I DO need
some...warmth, someone to hold on occasion.. I must say, the thought of
it is great. But let's face it, these three are all straight, and even
if they weren't, they wouldn't be looking at me. I don't think I'm bad
looking at all, but it's more my character that kind of..repels people.
I'm too much of a loner they'll think, always minding his own business,
sitting alone. No, a relationship is not made for me. And I like it that
way, I think.

I shut down my computer and went to bed. I put the lights off and lay
awake for a while, until my thoughts couldn't overrule my tiredness
anymore.

When I woke up next morning, I just repeated my cycle as usual, got
showered and dressed and then went downstairs where my grandma already
had breakfast ready. She then told me she was going to the doctor again
with my mom to see if everything was still OK. She also mentioned
bringing me to school today, which I was very glad for. I made some
sandwiches for school, and waited in the car for my grandma to drive me.
Everything was the same as every other day. Kids running over the school
lawn, others sitting on the benches talking with each other. I tried to
see if there was anyone I knew, but found out there was no one. I
secretly hoped to see Terry, I could use some of his happy behavior. I
could also use some of his good looks to please my eyes. I looked at my
watch and saw I had five minutes left before class started, so I went
inside and began my journey to science class. The class itself was OK, I
understood the subject decently and the teacher was kind of OK too. It
was a double hour, so it did last kind of long. Then came the moment I
was waiting for, 3rd period. I had this period off, and figured since
Terry didn't mail me back he probably still had class. The bell rang and
I walked out of science, going to my locker to stash my bag and get
something to eat. When I was almost at my locker, I saw Terry standing
there, waiting for someone. I walked up to him.

"Hey," I said, trying not to sound too happy to see him. "What's up?" I
asked him

"Not much, thought I'd come here, I've got 3rd period off as well" he
said with sparkling eyes.

I instantly flared up inside, was Terry also free 3rd period? But that
would mean we could do something together. "Really? Sick teacher or
something?" I asked, and saw his smile change into a wicked grin.

"Well not really, but I took the privilege of making myself available
3rd period. I don't think they care though" he said, throwing his bag
from his shoulder. "Care if my bag joins yours in the locker? It's a bit
far to mine so.." he said, already throwing in his bag on top of mine.

"Don't leave me much choice do you" I said, closing the locker and
giving him a friendly shove. "So what do you wanna do? It's only one
period so..."

"Let's just go out and talk somewhere, maybe in the park. But first
let's get something to eat." he said, while walking away and mentioning
me to come with him. We both got something from the cafeteria and went
outside. The temperature was a lot higher now I noticed when we walked
off the grounds. I wondered why he came up with the idea of talking so
fast, was there maybe something he needed to tell me? If so, it could be
anything. What if..no, of course not. After a five minute walk we
arrived in a small park and sat down on one of the benches. "So what do
you wanna talk about?" I asked him lightly, trying to get a conversation
going.

"Damian, have you ever...like...really been in love?" he asked me, and
for the first time I saw him getting nervous. What kind of a confession
was coming up?

"Ehm..no I don't think so, never met the right one I guess" I said,
trying to sound as natural as possible. I didn't want to show that I was
a bit confused by the conversation. I took a bite of my sandwich to make
sure I didn't have to say something else about it.

"OK, because there's someone who I really like, but I just don't dare to
tell...that person. What do you think is the best way?" he asked, and I
looked at him with a startled look in my eyes.

"And you ask me? You're the one who's had a girlfriend before; I bet you
know quite well how to handle the lady's!" I said, trying to make it
sound like I was reassuring him. But instead of cheering up, he just
looked a bit more down.

"Well, it's just that... I don't know, I'm just a bit self conscious I
guess. I don't want a girlfriend like Rachel again. I mean, she was
great and all, pretty, but I just want more. I want real love I guess.
And..well, I think I've found it now, I just don't know how to come up
with it" he said, after which he looked up expectantly.

"I suppose you should just..ask her out or something? I mean, how bad
can it be. She could totally ignore you, make fun of you, OR go for
you!" I said, happy on the outside but sad on the inside. "Just go for
it dude, and if she's smart she'll take you." I said, giving him a
smile.

"You really think so?" he said, clearly not convinced. "That won't ever
work, it's way more complicated than that. I'll just..I'll buy flowers
or something" he then said, looking in the other direction, obviously
wanting to change the subject. I still didn't know who it was though, he
didn't mention a name, not even a he or a she! Of course I was getting
my hopes up too much. I guess I'll just have to ask him, because I can't
live in doubt about this.

"Ehm, Terry, does she also have a name...?" I asked carefully, biting my
lip. I actually didn't even want to know the answer

"Of course she does, but..You have to promise not to tell anyone. No one
knows besides you and...well, it's Melissa." he then said, a weak smile
appearing on his face. Melissa was a sophomore who was considered one of
the most prettiest girls in school. Guys tried to get her to date them
all the time, and she always declined. Terry would come down from it
heartbroken. Although, with his looks and his character, who knows how
big his chances are. I felt relieved and sad at the same time. I
could've expected this to happen, but I didn't know it would make me
feel hurt. What if it were me? What if I was the one that Terry loved?
That would just be..I don't know. Terry strikes me as the boyfriend that
completely fits my perfect image. I can laugh with him, he's cute,
trustworthy. He even said that he wanted to go for real love. But some
things are just not meant to be.

"Melissa? Wow...Doesn't surprise me somehow," I said with an evil grin.
"You'll just have to close in line for her then".

"Not funny Damian, I actually think she might just go for me. I saw her
staring at me in the hallway!" he said, a grin appearing on his face
again. This was the last thing we said about her before I noticed my
watch and saw it was already time to leave. We quickly ate the remainder
of our food and hurried ourselves back to school. We grabbed the bags
from my locker and went to our different classes. I could not help but
want to see him again. Why couldn't I be one class lower, or he one
class higher? Just so we could have some classes together. I'd be able
to joke with him all day, see him all day. I actually think this liking
is turning into something worse. I'll have to stop, since I don't want
to lose my heart over a straight boy. That's just..unacceptable. I just
hope it works out between him and Melissa, if they ever get something.
I'll continue being the loner, a role completely fit for me.



END OP CHAPTER 6



-----------------------------ATTENTION-------------------------
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