Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1999 01:02:56 -0700 (PDT)
From: Skias Onar <skias_onar@yahoo.com>
Subject: Forever Justin (1 - 3)

Chapter 1.

I will always miss Justin. No matter how much time passes, I keep coming
back to that image of a tall, slim boy with piercing green eyes, full lips
and two full strings of pearls that he would flash at every smile. And he
did love to smile. Every photo of him that I have in my album, he is always
smiling.

"Look!" he once said, "I am smiling on every single one of these photos!"

We ran through it and indeed he was right! Justin never looked imposing,
but the first time we wrestled he surprised me. There was no fat on his
body, and he turned out to be quite a bit stronger than I anticipated.
Still, that was just the first of a long line of surprises that this boy
turned out to be. Even now, when he is so far away, and we only talk about
once every couple of weeks over the phone, I look forward to each and every
one of our conversations, knowing well that a story awaits me at every
call.

I still cannot get over Justin and I not being together. Not that I am too
surprised. Maybe this is my fault in a way. I could just never imagine
Justin making a commitment to another human being. Naturally, I would feel
much worse if the man he was with would be anyone but Gordon. It is
possible that my own stupidity had a lot to do with it. After all, the
three of us were in the same math class the junior year of high school.
That was how we all became friends. I should have seen it then. But Gordon
was my friend as well, and I could not see where it would all go. Could
anyone?

Oh well, whatever came out of it, Justin was probably the most important
person in my life, and if there was ever a gift sent by destiny -- he was
it!

Now, that I am looking through those files on his old laptop, I am
wondering how much I actually knew about him back then. Still, I have his
permission to browse through all those files, at our last conversation he
just laughed it off, wishing me a pleasant reading in a typical Justin
way. Although browsing through those files I realized that I did not have
any right to use the word "typical" next to his name. There was so much I
really did not know about the man!

The files on the laptop contained writing that Justin did sporadically,
whenever he felt the need to communicate with himself, rather than with
anyone else. I actually remembered some of it from our conversations. Say
this one. He read it out loud to me once when we went to the lake together,
on one bright, hot sunny day, the end of our junior year. We were sitting
in the shade, watching the people splashing in the lake, when Justin
unzipped his backpack and produced a laser printed sheet of paper. He
plopped next to me on my beach towel, turned me around so that our backs
could touch, then leaned on me as I leaned on him. It felt divine, I wanted
the moment to last forever. The silky feeling of his skin against my back
swept me away, hitting me with a wave of eroticism I experience only with
him. I tried to move closer, as if it were possible...

"Listen to this," Justin said. "You are going to like it."


 And he started reading:

`If you only knew the charms of this fantasy, if you could only understand
what one feels at the sweet illusion of becoming a woman! An incredible
delirium, one abhors this sex and one wants to imitate it. How sweet it is
to succeed, how delightful to be the whore of all who wants you, and
carrying this prostitution from the first episode to the next be a mistress
of a porter, an aristocrat, a valet, a monk, be cherished, caressed,
envied, threatened, beaten. At one moment victorious in their arms, at the
next a victim at their feet. Cajoling them with caresses, reassuring them
with excesses. But morals aside, if you could just imagine the physical
sensations of this divine taste, it is impossible to restrain oneself. The
titillation is so vigorous, the excitement of voluptuousness so vital. You
loose your mind, you become mad. Thousands of kisses one more tender than
the other do not exalt to the same extent the ardor into which our partner
plunges us. Thrown into his arms, mouths glued to each other, we want our
own existence to merge into his, the only thing we want is become one with
him, the only thing we dare complain about is being neglected, we want him
be more robust than Hercules, we want him to open us up and penetrate us,
so that his precious semen gushing out, burning in the depths of our
entrails, would make through its heat and its force cause ours to erupt
into his hands.

Do not imagine that we are made like other men, our construction is
entirely different. Heaven created us so that the titillating membrane,
that adorns by women the Temple of Venus, bedecks by us a different altar,
where our Celadons sacrifice. We are certainly as much women there as real
women by the sanctuary of procreation. There is not a single pleasure known
to a woman that we do not know, not one that we could not invoke, but in
addition we have our own, and it is this fusion that makes out of us the
people most susceptible to desire, the most fit for all sorts of
passion. It is this enchanting meld that makes impossible the correction of
our tastes, that would push us into an abyss of frenzy, if one was stupid
enough to punish us, and that makes us adore to the very day we descend
into the grave that charming Deity who locked us in these chains.'"

"I like it, I think?" I said not quite sure what to make of it. "Seems
intense--"

"Damn straight!" Justin laughed. "Race ye to the water!"

He hopped up from the towel and I almost lost my balance, because I was
leaning on him the whole time. Then I sprang up also and ran after him. I
caught up with Justin when he was already up to his knees in the water. He
kept running, but he could not keep up the speed. The cold water sent
shivers up my spine and overwhelmed me with an almost painful but extremely
invigorating sensation, shaking off the languor and mollifying fatigue of
the sunlight, returning me my strength and vigor. Justin grabbed me and
tried to wrestle me down into the water. For a moment I thought I wanted to
completely dive into him, absorb all his power, his strength, his skin,
muscles, bones, become the same being with him. Instead, I struggled my way
out. We splashed and swam for a long time. I did not want it to end.

And that was Justin in a nutshell: one moment reading out loud his
translations from marquis de Sade, the next wrestling and splashing in the
water like a six year old. I secretly marveled at him. I felt completely
relaxed, comfortable and on top of the world.


Justin and I had become friends very quickly after we met. The first time I
saw him was the summer before my junior year. He was working at Annie's --
the coffee shop where I used to hang out often with my friends. We would
often go there after movies: with our girlfriends or without, "just us
guys", as Gordon called it. The first time I saw Justin, we made eye
contact and I was smitten. I was with Sarah then. He glanced at her and
squinted a little in a gentle mockery. That look seemed to say: `It's
cool. We both understand.' I bumped into him on my way to the washroom. I
do not think I really needed to go, I just wanted... I was not really sure
what I wanted, but I was hoping for some more contact with that boy.

I passed him by and read the name tag. I was rapidly falling in love with
every detail, anything that had to do with the boy. I was closing on and
with every step I was more and more in panic. What would I say? What if I
was wrong? Would it be embarrassing? What if he rejected me? Maybe it was a
trap? I was excited and scared. My heart was ready to tear apart my ribcage
and break out of my chest. I could barely see where I was stepping. And
then, all of a sudden, we were face to face. The planet stopped moving for
a second, the sounds died, the world around me collapsed, and now I was all
by myself facing the only thing around which the Universe revolved.

Somehow, I just kept walking, until all of a sudden I heard behind me:

"So, you aren't gonna ask me what time I get off?" A gentle, slightly
mocking voice that I learned all the intonations of since then.

I turned around and quite stupidly asked: "What time do you get off?"

He laughed and that was the first time I saw those two strings of pearls,
blinding white, between the full red arches of his lips.

"Well, if I could get a ride a couple of hours from now..."

It was a Friday night, and mom and dad never asked me what I was doing late
on weekend nights, as long as I called and warned them. But even if I was
grounded, it seemed that no obstacle, no barrier was serious enough for me
at that moment. I felt such a burst of energy, that if there were chains
hanging from the sky, I would have grabbed them and pulled the sky down to
earth.

"Done!" I almost cried out.

And this was our first date.

The night was warm with just enough breeze to keep it fresh. I drove to the
lake, stopped the car at the beach, we got out sat down on the sand next to
each other and just listened to the sound of the waves, breathing the fresh
lake air, looking at the moonless sky, covered with stars.

Justin did not say a thing. He pushed me down and was on top of me in an
instant. His lips touched mine, and soon our mouths were glued
together. The kiss was soft and moist. He was not trying to push his tongue
into my mouth, letting me explore, showing me his tenderness. Justin's
mouth had a slightly sour taste, a bit stale. It felt so natural, it just
seemed perfect. We helped each other out of our shorts and T-shirts. Glued
together in a bear hug, we ran our hands around each other's bodies,
touching exploring. The feeling of another boy's skin under my fingers, his
smooth chest and back, his abbs, all the way down to his pubes and then the
erection that was poking my thigh -- I thought everything around us ceased
to exist.

I buried my face in his thighs and breathed in the sweet aroma of the boy's
body. My lips engulfed his shaft. He bent down and reached for my dick with
his fingers. He was gentle and that touch alone was enough to send me into
the overdrive. Only a couple of minutes of was enough for both of us, and
at the very moment the proof of his passion filled my throat, the ground
beneath me dissolved, and while falling down an endless tunnel, my own
manhood covered Justin's hand in abundance with its juices.

We laid next to each other catching our breaths.

"C'me on, let's get cleaned up." Justin finally whispered.

He got up and stretched his right hand out to help me up. I grabbed it and
we rushed towards the water.


"So, how did you know it was ok, you know, to ask for the ride?" I asked
Justin once we were out of the water.

"I dunno." Justin answered. "I took a chance, I guess. You seemed really
cool. And the way you looked at me. Is this your first time ever?"

"Yeah. And it felt great. How about you?"

"Hell no," Justin laughed. "But it did feel great, no question about
that. Anyway, it's cold. Let's get going."

"Yeah. Let's--" I repeated mechanically.

We dried ourselves as best as we could and got into the car.

I started sobering up. It was like all of a sudden someone just drained all
my strength from me. I felt so weak, I just wanted to fall asleep on the
spot. I could not talk. Thoughts were swarming chaotically in my inflamed
brain. Justin was silent as well, and more than anything in the world I
wanted to read his mind, understand what was in all this for him? Would we
be friends, would he want me again? But beyond that, the thoughts I was
trying to shove back into the darkest regions of my mind so they never
resurface, those frightening thoughts were occupying me now, during this
ride. Now, after all this time of "playing it straight", I finally had to
admit it to myself. All the hiding, all the facade, the pretence, lies,
denial, all of my life as I knew it -- it was all crushed to pieces and
lay in shambles at my feet. I felt completely numb inside, I did not know
what to think, how to react. I knew I could lie to everybody. But I could
not lie to myself.

I stopped the car in front of Justin's house.

"Wanna come in?" he asked. "I can see what we've got in the fridge. Don't
know about you, I'm fucking ravenous."

We both came in. I silently followed Justin to the kitchen, he turned on
the light and started getting stuff out of the fridge.

"We can warm up some steaks, cool! Salad, we've got fries! Let's feast!"

Then he looked at me, squinted and tilted his head a little.

"Ok. What's bugging you Chris?" he asked.

"It's nothing," I tried to defend myself. How could he understand.

"All right." Justin said putting all the food down on the kitchen
table. "You know, I think I know what it is. But you need to talk to me, I
might be able to help. It's a trip, man, but I've been through it, believe
you me. Problem is I went through all of that shit by myself, you don't
have to."

"I dunno," I replied reluctantly barely dragging the words out of my
mouth. "I am scared, I guess. You know. Fuck!.."

I stopped. I just could not say it.

"You are scared of what? That you are gay?" Justin pulled up a chair and
sat close to me. He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulled me close to
himself and kissed me gently on the lips. A warm wave passed through my
entire body.

"How did it feel, sweetie?" Justin asked softly.

Without allowing time for me to respond he continued:

"You know, I used to be the same way. I knew early on that I was different,
I knew what I liked and I was afraid the world would find out and my life
as I knew it would be over. I thought I was alone like that in the whole
world, I thought I was sick and immoral. And you know what? I would go
around school hallways, the mall, play basketball at the park and I would
fucking fall in love five times a day. I'm not kidding. I was devastated. I
thought everyone around me knew and I was scared shitless.

At first I would just suppress all that crap, but it would come back more
forceful every time. I would beat off five, seven, ten times a day, always
thinking of some cute boy and finally there was no escape. I had to face
it. So I figured whatever anyone said, this was the way I was. These things
felt good to me, they felt natural. Fuck! That was what I wanted to do. I
did not choose to be that way, I was like this by nature, so it could not
be too bad, if nature made me like this -- I guess that's what it wanted
and I could change it no more than I could change the color of my eyes. But
if I was fine, then our minister who never passed a chance to speak out
against gays was full of crap. I thought about it for a minute and figured:
yeah, why not?! I actually want to see the look on that motherfucker's face
when they prove that being gay is genetic or something. Then what will he
do with his Bible?!"

I was quite stunned. What Justin said made sense, I kind of thought about
it myself, but hearing it from someone else, someone my age...

"But they will still say it is abominable to God's law and morality. It is
repulsive and unnatural" I answered weakly wanting to hear more.

Justin laughed.

"Nothing created by Nature can be repulsive. It is all wonderful, however
if you are not convinced, I am going to show you something. Let's eat
first."

Justin quickly threw a couple of steaks on the frying pan and when the
smell of cooking meat and the sound of sizzle filled the kitchen, I
remembered how hungry I actually was. We devoured our food, Justin grabbed
a can of coke from the fridge and handed one to me.

"Come on," he motioned me to follow him.

Justin's room was quite sizable. A big bed, next to it a very solid,
comfortable desk with books and papers scattered all around it. Bookshelves
full of books all around the walls. Justin turned on the desk lamp, its
soft light lit up the desk with a laptop in the middle. That very laptop I
"inherited" when Justin moved out of town. He punched a few keys and after
some crunching the screen lighted up with tiny black beads of letters.

"Here. Sit on the bed. Listen to this:

`He used to place a girl on top of a wooden dock in the middle of a deep
pool with a wall over it offering an escape, assured by a ladder attached
to the wall. A slow fire would consume the docks from behind, forcing the
girl to finally jump into the pool. She could not swim, and if she drowned
right away -- then it was over, if she managed to get to the ladder, she
would climb it and the stone on top, prepared for this purpose would
collapse under her feet and she would be precipitated into a hole the cover
of which would break under her weight and she would be thrown onto a
burning grill, where she would perish. The scoundrel present during the
whole spectacle would masturbate watching it.'"

I was baffled and terrified. Justin looked at me without smiling.

"Do you get it?" he asked. His voice was husky, there was passion in
it. "Things like that never happened and never will, I hope. That is not
the point. The point is human mind actually thought of something like
this. And who knows, maybe someone can get off on a disgusting thing like
that. And then, if you think about it, then you will see that there is no
difference between straight and gay people. Neither of us want to kill or
torture, all we want is to love somebody, to caress them, to care for them,
to have sex with them. This is all. That's as far as our desires go. The
only difference -- we want the company of the same sex, they -- the
opposite one. Big freaking deal! Compared to where sex fantasies can take
us, this is absolutely nothing. So, get comfortable, buddy! It's gonna be a
lot of fun!"

There was a lot to think about, but I would do it tomorrow. Yes. Absolutely
tomorrow. It was quite enough for one night. I fell asleep before my cheek
touched the pillow. I dreamed of a slim boy with green eyes and light brown
hair, I kissed him on his moist, warm lips and drank in his wonderful
scent. It was the best dream of my life, but somehow I knew that I was
about to wake up to the reality that was even better. Perhaps because the
reality was sleeping next to me with its arm wrapped around my waist and
its even breath warming my neck.


Chapter 2.

I woke up and the first thing I saw were the red digits of my clock-radio.
It was just past midday. I sat up in bed and looked around the room. On my
night stand, I saw the laptop. Justin's old laptop. The one I saw for the
first time on that night five years ago when we had first met. I felt a
slight tingle, some kind of a twist inside of my stomach. Justin. All the
good times we had together, perhaps my own indecisiveness, maybe my
possessiveness were at fault. If not, we might have been together today.
Still, I have the "legacy" -- the laptop with all the stories.

Justin was bilingual, his mother was French and he spoke it fluently, and
read in French more than he did in English. The laptop contained lots of
elegies to his mother, it seemed Justin would never be as comfortable with
himself as he was so early on, if it were not for her. And even now, he
probably considered her the best friend he had ever had...

I pulled the laptop over and turned it on. Looking at random through
Justin's personal directory, I opened one of the files that dated about a
couple of years before we first met. He had to be fourteen then. The piece
was written in French, here is the translation:


`I almost knocked Howard down, and that was how we met. I was skateboarding
on Leary, a great place to go boy watching, and he just appeared out of
nowhere. Next thing I knew -- my skateboard was flying somewhere towards
the traffic, the street around spinning in circles, and a warm, hard body
breaking my fall.

We got up and I was just so lost. I did not know whether to apologize or to
run. The skateboard was nowhere in view and I was staring at him like a
total moron. At first he seemed furious and I was already feeling sorry for
my silly ass, but at that moment he just smiled. And then laughed. And it
was so infectious, I laughed too. He had the most dazzling smile I had ever
seen, his whole face lit up. It was impossible not to laugh with him.

He was probably twenty something, I could not really tell, blonde hair,
blue eyes, full lips. Maybe not too handsome, but I was so frustrated at
that time anyway, I probably fell in love right there and then (what a
surprise!).

"Sorry pal," he said. "I should've been looking where I was going."

"It's ok. I'm sorry. I've got to find my skateboard."

"I think it's right over there--"

I found the skateboard, and it was not that badly damaged at all. We both
examined it, and there was nothing else to do or say, we could shake hands
and part now. But I so didn't want him to leave! What could I do to make
him stay?! He probably would want nothing to do with a little kid like me.

"I'm Justin," I blurted out, grabbing at straws to make him stay.

"Nice to meet you, Justin." And he smiled again. "Howard."

We shook hands. The handshake was firm. And then again I did not know what
to do. We just stood there for a second, staring at each other. Then he
broke the silence:

"Tell you what. Looks like you're done skateboarding anyway. Come, have
some coffee with me. On me, since it was probably more my fault than
yours."

 We went to Chez Marceline, and he treated me very nicely. Like an older
brother. He was attentive, got me everything I wanted and did not even let
me carry stuff to the table. I felt like I was on top of the world. I did
not think of anything, I just wanted it to last longer. Forever would be
nice.

He turned out to be twenty two, junior at the University. He told me he had
an apartment at the U village and asked if I wanted to hang out with him
there after we finished our coffee. I agreed. At that point I felt I would
go anywhere with him, he seemed so attractive and mature and smooth and
caring. I was totally charmed, more like hypnotized. I guess first time for
everything, next time someone proposes something like this, I would know
better. But at that moment, my head was spinning, the world was spinning,
and I just wanted it to keep spinning.

His little Honda was parked right in front of Chez Marceline. There was a
fifteen minutes ride to the U village. He put his hand on my knee and I
covered it with mine, and we rode this way without saying a word.

At his apartment, things started happening pretty quickly. Once we had
crossed the threshold, he scooped me up and carried me to his bedroom. Then
he lowered me down on the bed and started kissing me and ripping my clothes
off at the same time. Cannot say I was not excited, but it seemed so weird,
I did not think it would be like this the first time. I did not know what I
thought. Then I figured, hey, I got my wish, here is the man I am in love
with (I really thought that, damn, unbelievable!), and he is sharing the
feelings, so sex is natural... And so I just abandoned myself to it. He
was kissing me and ripping my clothes off, I started doing the same to him.

He had a really great body. Toned and natural -- great pecs and biceps,
firm abs. I was totally floating somewhere in the clouds. It took him a
while to get my underwear off. He kept touching and kissing and sniffing me
there. It was funny and exciting. I think I laughed once or twice. Then he
turned around, moved my briefs down and swallowed my dick. I couldn't
believe this was happening to me. It felt so good, though. I did the same,
imitating his movements. It was hard to concentrate on it though, so I just
abandoned myself to his care. I was getting too close anyway.  I grabbed
his ass and squeezed his head between my thighs. Then, in one shot, I just
came in his mouth. I thought he would be mad but he just smiled, spat on
his hand and in a few seconds jacked himself off to an orgasm. We kissed
and he lay down next to me. Those were the best thirty seconds of my life,
I thought everything was going to be different now, for the first time it
felt really good and natural to be gay. If there were any doubts in my mind
before that I was in love, they were all gone now.

"Ok." He said after a pause. "Let's go clean up."

We got up and took a shower, washing each other carefully. It was just
getting better and better every second, I thought. Then, all of a sudden,
while we were getting dressed, everything just crashed.

"I take it you will find your way home, Justin?" Howard asked.

He could knock me down with a feather at this moment. `What?!' I thought,
`After all this? He's throwing me out? It can't be! It's not happening to
me!'

I just stood there staring at him looking like a total dummass, not knowing
which way to turn, what to say.

"I see. He is confused. He does not know what to do." Howard said speaking
of me in the third person, all of a sudden. "Listen," and he took me by the
arms. "You are a very cool kid, and I like you a lot, but please don't look
so stunned. I am sorry if you thought of something that just was not there
in the first place, but hey, we both had a good time and we could run into
each other again some day!"

"Fine." I said, regaining whatever was left of my composure. "But don't you
think it's just damn rude of you to throw me out like this? Don't you think
you owe me at least something for all this, at least a ride home, if
anything? Damn it Howard, you knock a boy off his feet, I mean literally,
have fun with him, get off, and then just want to toss him away like that?
You are just a fucking bastard!"

I was screaming at this point. I don't know where I got the anger and the
courage to say all this, I guess I was just furious with myself for being
so naïve. Plus I did not think there was a whole lot to loose.

Howard gave me one of those smiles of his and invited me over to this
bedroom again. He sat me on the bed and sat next to me.

"Ok, Justin." He said quite solemnly. "You seem to be a very nice,
intelligent guy. So, let me explain something to you, and I hope you will
learn from it."

He paused for a moment, looking me straight in the eye all the time while
gathering his thoughts.

"What right do you think you have to claim that I owe you something," he
started still looking me straight in the eye. "Why do you think I would
have to have any consideration for you? Because I am older than you, so I
should be more responsible? Let's not be ridiculous. There is no such thing
as responsibility as far as Nature is concerned. When I saw you, I was very
taken by your beauty. It seems like you were not indifferent to mine
either. So, we got together and did what came naturally to both of us. And
now, that the well has run dry, why would one of us have more power over
the other? Why would you claim that I should be "indebted" to you for some
reason? This claim is a pure outrage to nature and common sense."

"But", I tried to object feeling more and more angry, "But I thought you
had feelings for me!"

"Nothing more absurd than that, my friend. Look. You are only what?
Fourteen? What did you think could be between you and me beyond a purely
sexual attraction. Let's not waste the precious time arguing about it. Yes,
I knew what you were feeling and took advantage of it. Can you blame me? I
did not force you into anything, you agreed voluntarily to share the
pleasure with me, it was your choice all the way. You did not ask me about
what I felt, and you could have. You didn't, because just like me you
wanted sex. Well, sex was what you got and now we can part on good terms."

I was furious, but the more I thought about what Howard had said, the more
it made sense. First of all, I started to realize, that no matter what I
pretended to think before, I had no real feelings for him anyway. True it
was shocking, but after all, what we did WAS natural for both of us, both
of us had a good time, and so why should any of us feel compelled to go out
of his way for the other?! All of a sudden, I actually felt free, besides,
this was my first time, so I could totally savor the experience of becoming
a "man".

"I guess I should be more careful when I meet older men from now on?", I
said quietly.

"I see you are a quick learner!" Howard laughed and slapped me on the
back. "Yeah, kiddo, stick to your own crowd, but still be careful even
then. Come on now, I'll take you home." And seeing the look of surprise on
my face he added: "You didn't seriously think I'd kick you out just like
that, did you? No, I just wanted you to learn something from the
experience. Come on. It's getting late."

And he drove me home, kissed me good night on the cheek and drove off. I
never saw him again.'


I put the laptop back at its place on the night stand and snickered to
myself. Again, like many times before I could not help thinking about how
much Justin there was in this story: seducing someone much older, falling
in love, than in an instant sobering up. I wonder what would I have done in
the same situation. Would probably never happen to me though. To get into a
story like that, you needed personality. Justin's personality.


Chapter 3.

The junior and senior years were my best school years by far. I was going
out with Justin all the time, and never bothered to date anyone else. At
first I was concerned about other kids at school. The word "fag" was very
much on everyone's lips in reference to everything that did not seem to fit
into the "normal" set of high school values. Kids who were into theatre,
who were friends with girls, did not play sports were teased every now and
again by some bullies. Justin soon convinced me not to be afraid.

"I would not recommend it to everyone", he said to me once, "even though it
is unfortunate that we have to hide something that is only natural.
However, those who call you fag and harass you do so because they think
they are stronger than you are. Once you become a victim, you stay a victim
and you are open to all kinds of abuse from anyone. If you are courageous
enough to break through that cycle, then they will be afraid of you and
will leave you alone. In essence they are all cowards and a determined
fifth-grader would probably be enough to make them run."

I chuckled at his remarks, but at the end figured pretending was simply too
much for me. Justin felt so good, why would I want to pretend? And so, we
did not date girls our last two years of high school, but we did not
confirm anything when people asked if we were boyfriends. There was still a
matter of safety.

It was especially amazing that we did not get teased or harassed at all. I
guess it was because Justin's self assuredness and the air of strength that
he had about him created a very strong impression. He came through as
someone who would not take crap from anyone. I could not help but admire
this quality in him.

"How do you manage to do it so well?" I asked him once.

He pondered for a moment as if deciding whether or not to share something.

"Well," he said after a short pause, "I am going to tell you. But you'd
probably have a hard time believing it. Yet this was how it happened."

We were in his bedroom at the moment. It was a cold night in October or
November, but it was very, very warm under the covers cuddling with
Justin. Justin leaned towards his nightstand and turned on the light. I
could see half of his face in the week light from the night stand. He
seemed half-real in that light, so instinctively I touched his abs. They
were warm and silky, just the way I liked it. It was still him. Justin put
his hands on my thighs and stroked them gently. We were silent for a
moment. He was gathering his thoughts. I did not want the moment to end.

"Ok," Justin started his narrative, "One very warm Sunday night in the
summer of my sophomore year, I was walking home from somewhere -- I don't
remember where it was, a movie or something, or maybe after hanging out
with some friends. It was already quite dark, but it was wonderful to
breathe the fresh air, so I was enjoying my walk and actually took a longer
route to make it last.

All of a sudden this car pulls up. It was quite nice, a Lexus I think, and
there is this cutest guy pulling down the passenger side window smiling at
me.

`Hi,' he says.

`Hi,' I answer back.

`Man, I am really lost here. Could you tell how to get to--'

And he mentions some address in the neighborhood. It was really close, but
kind of hard to explain with all of our streets meandering and crossing
each other like crazy. He looked awfully cute, probably not older than
seventeen, so I said:

`It's kinda hard to explain. If you want I'll hop in and navigate you. It's
really close and not too far out of my way!'

`Are you sure?' he asks and smiles at me and my heart melts right there.

So, I get into the car. The moment the passenger door closes behind me, I
hear the auto-locks click, and before I have a chance to do or say
anything, two hands grab me from behind and some cloth soaked in something
is pressed against my nose and I pass out.

I am not sure how long I was out, but when I came to my senses we were
still driving. I was very drowsy and felt weak. I don't think I was
particularly scared. I probably just did not understand what exactly was
going on.

`All right! The sleeping beauty is awake,' said the driver.

I looked around and right behind me, his faces inches away from mine, I saw
another guy, no less handsome than the driver but a year or two older.

The car drove up to huge iron gates that started to slide open as we were
approaching. We drove through a huge park, or what looked like it, I was
not really sure in the darkness. I saw something in front of me that
resembled an ancient castle, you know, it looked very gothic. The car drove
into what must have been a garage, but it looked like the walls of the
house parted and the monster swallowed the car. All of a sudden there was
light everywhere and I could now see my captors very clearly.

If they looked handsome in the dark, they looked absolutely stunning in the
light. It seemed like nature enjoyed itself carving their faces. The names
they used when they talked to each other were no doubt just nicknames. The
driver, who was called Ronnie, was blonde with eyes of a most magnificent
blue I have ever seen. He looked extremely masculine. His bright red tank
top clung tightly to his bulging pecs and washboard stomach. He was wearing
black jeans that fit him beautifully, and no matter what was my predicament
I could not help but let my eyes linger on him.

His partner, Julian, was older but did not have all those muscles. He
looked slim, and a bit soft, without really being effeminate. He had a
beautiful face and a most amazing pair of huge brown eyes. His hair, also
brown, was a bit long and wavy and fell down gracefully, covering his ears
and touching his cheeks. He had a tender skin that my hand almost lifted by
itself in an instinctive desire to touch. He was wearing blue jeans and a
gray ribbed T-shirt.

`All right kid,' said Julian. `You've got nothing to worry about, you'll be
out `a here soon, if you are a good boy.'

`Yeah, but most of all, don't give us any trouble,' added Ronnie. `Not a
soul in the world knows where you are and nobody will come looking for you
here.'

`Hey, c'me on Ronnie,' said Julian, `Don't scare the kid.' Then turning to
me: `Trust me, Justin, there is nothing to worry about.'

I was really scared now. How did they know my name?! Still, there did not
seem to be much of a choice left for me but to follow those two. In a way,
I must say it was really titillating. Perhaps being kidnapped by two
gorgeous guys was not that bad? Of course, I had no idea what awaited me in
the very gut of this monstrous mansion.

I followed my captors as they walked the dark hallways, sometimes taking
stairs up, sometimes -- down. We walked in and out of many doors which were
all closed and locked behind us. To say that I was scared shitless is to
say nothing at all. Finally, a door opened in front of us, and the light
almost blinded me for a second. We were in a rather large room, very well
lit and tastefully decorated. The white walls contrasted with the black
upholstery of a few pieces of furniture -- very modern and, apparently,
very comfortable. There were a couple of sofas, a recliner and a loveseat
positioned in a circle. Paintings were hanging everywhere on the walls.
Mostly landscapes. They were rather comforting. I started to relax. The
boys invited me to sit down on one of the sofas and then sat next to me on
each side.

`It won't be long now,' said Ronnie.

Almost at the very moment he said it, the door opened and a man entered the
room. He was about forty, tall with a very handsome, intelligent face. He
was wearing sweat-pants and a T-shirt, and I could see how well developed
his body was. He did not seem to have any fat, and his chest and biceps
formed bulges in the T-shirt. If there were any flaws in his appearance, I
would say that he looked maybe just a little bit effeminate. He had that
soft and nonchalant look that women usually have.

`Nice to see you, gentlemen,' he greeted us. `Welcome, Justin. I take it
you are quite comfortable. I know Ronnie and Julian have treated you well.'

Both boys nodded and smiled as if answering a question.

`All right,' said the man. `Let's get down to it. He is just so gorgeous, I
want to see all of it. Justin, undress.'

I was kinda in shock and didn't know what to do. The man nodded and my
kidnappers started quickly stripping off my clothes. In an instant I
appeared before all three of them in my birthday suit.

`Hmm,' said the man approaching me and giving my body a thorough
examination. `He is indeed divine. Boys, I think you should follow his
example and get naked as well.'

As soon as he said it, Ronnie and Julian quickly dropped off their shirts
and jeans. And now, all three of us were naked. The man followed suite,
then approached me again, pulled me closer to himself and kissed me on the
lips. Then he glued his mouth to mine. The kiss lasted an eternity.

`He is very sweet,' the man commented. `Boys, why don't you excite him a
little more'.

At these words, Ronnie squatted in front of me and very soon my dick was
completely in his mouth. I was getting hard very quickly and almost in
spite of myself. The man pushed me down on the sofa, then climbed it so I
was now sitting between his legs and his dick was on the level of my mouth.

`Suck, Justin,' he ordered.

What could I do? I took it in and started sucking, and Julian was jacking
off Ronnie at the same time.

After a short while, the man gave a new order:

`Now, Justin, suck Ronnie while he serves me and I will do the same for
Julian. Ronnie, keep jacking him off'

The new positions were arranged in an instant, the man was now squished
between the two boys, and Ronnie's dick was in my mouth.

After a few minutes, I heard Ronnie moan, he pulled out of my mouth and my
entire face became covered with his juices. His orgasm spawned a chain
reaction, and in the next second I heard the two others moan and a second
later they orgasmed with yells so loud and passionate, that my heart almost
jumped out of my mouth. Of course the whole scene drove me crazy as well,
and a few caresses from all three, were enough to bring me over the edge.

For a second we were all piled in a heap of sweaty, naked bodies on the
sofa.

`All right. He is all yours, boys. Do whatever you want with him, then take
him home.'

I was completely incensed when I heard that.

`What the hell do you think you are doing, and how the fuck you think you
are going to get away with it?!' I yelled.

It was probably the most stupid thing to say under the circumstances, but I
just could not think very well at the moment.

`You kidnap me, you rape me, scare the hell out of me and then you just
pretend it never happened? And what about me? Why wouldn't I go to the
police and have you arrested.'

The man looked at me for a second and then just laughed in my face.

`First of all, young man, you don't know where you are and who you are
talking to. What are you going to tell them? They will laugh you all the
way to the nearest mental clinic thinking you are being delusional. As for
you, well, not that it is important, but did you not enjoy yourself?'

`Well, yeah, I did not really want to, I was scared.'

`So, you see, you got something out of it too. What can I do, Justin, I
like boys your age and I have achieved enough that I can indulge myself
every once in a while.'

`But,' I said again completely out of spite, `don't think for a minute that
anyone of those boys you kidnap really has any feelings for you and I don't
think they like it either.'

The man laughed again.

`I see you are quite an excitable young man.' He said. `Well, let me tell
you something. First of all, the pleasures of those boys don't matter to me
at all. If anyone tells you that the pleasure of you partner is important,
don't believe them. What does his pleasure serve? Your self-esteem? But
that's just a ghost. The only important thing is the excitement. That a
shock as strong as humanly possible be sent through your nervous system
down to your brain that will respond by creating the feelings of immense
physical pleasure. And then, everything that serves this goal is good. For
me, for example, I take pleasure in knowing that you had been kidnapped,
that you are a bit scared, and completely in my power. But then, of course,
even you can't help but enjoy yourself, although that certainly matters
infinitely little compared to my own pleasure.

As far as love is concerned -- well, that's just another ghost. You start
from lust, and attach yourself to one human being. A month later, the
mystery is gone and then it's just boredom that is left. You can't help but
feel ashamed and don't know how to get rid of the unwanted luggage. No,
Justin. All men are basically the same. They all have a head, a body, and
the limbs. Each one of them is a new territory for our desires, and
attaching yourself to just one is a stupidity that makes a reasonable
person tremble with horror.

Well, good-bye my friend, I never invite anyone here twice, so chances of
us running into each other again are extremely remote. Take my advice, and
just do what is natural to you, and you will live happily.'

He picked up his clothes and left.

`Come on, Justin,' said Julian kissing me lightly on the forehead. `Let's
clean you up and give you something to eat. We aren't going to do anything
else to you, don't worry.'

`Yeah right, hard to believe that in a house full of fags!' I cried out, in
my helpless rage.

Julian smiled.

`Well,' he sad, `things that happened here were sort of bizarre. But I
think you are too smart to really blame anyone. I myself, love women, and I
do not indulge in these fantasies unless a nice man requests it. But then,
there is nothing I wouldn't do. Ronnie is the same way. We are far away
from that ridiculous disdain by which one tries to make us young dudes
believe that we have to bash those who make these kinds of propositions. A
man, is not a master of his tastes. One should never insult those who have
unusual ones. Their wrong is that of nature. They were no more able to come
to this world with different desires than we would be to be born limping or
healthy. If a man wants to play with you, is it so repulsive? Of course
not, he is complimenting you, why then insult or beat him? Only fools think
so, never a reasonable man would speak differently than I do, but the world
is populated with plain imbeciles who think that something will be wrong if
they admit that pleasures are appropriate...'

I had nothing more to say, the boys lead me to a bathroom. The hot-tub was
huge, and all three of us sat there for a while, just touching and kissing.
I was no longer afraid, my anger was coming down, and I was determined to
enjoy myself.

After the hot-tub, the boys asked what I wanted to eat, I jokingly demanded
a steak, and a few minutes later it appeared to my complete surprise! That
was like magic. The scent of it made me remember that I hadn't eaten for a
long, long time.

`All right, Justin,' said Ronnie after the meal. `This is good-bye, I am
afraid. Be well. You are a neat guy and it's too bad we will never see each
other again.'

Then both boys hugged me in turn, and led me back to the garage.

`I'm gonna have to put you to sleep again for a while, sorry.' Said Julian,
and in a moment I felt a cloth against my face and passed out. When I woke
up, the car was pulling up to my house. The boys said their good-byes
again, dropped me off, and the car disappeared into the night."

"Wow!" I breathed out. "And you never went to the police with it?"

"No." Justin answered slowly. "First of all, I figured what's the use? But
it was actually more than that. I kinda felt sorry for the boys, what would
become of them? But most of all, it was what the man said to me at the
end. Before the whole thing I was scared and ashamed of being gay. It was
always on the back of my mind, that I was not normal, not like all the
other kids. And here comes this guy, who basically shows me that whatever
we desire is just a work of nature. And not only that, but also that there
is nothing shameful in enjoying myself the way I want to. I felt so free
after that. I was grateful to him, in a way. This was the birth of my
self-confidence that you so admire."

"But don't you think," I objected "that he himself went just a bit too far
with it? He is probably still somewhere kidnapping boys..."

"Yeah, well, he does not seem to hurt anyone, all I did was suck and nobody
laid a finger on me otherwise. I think he just wanted to appear to be more
of a bastard than he really was. See, what convinced me was what he said
about love. He probably had a man he loved once and they broke up or
something, and he became jaded, for it's hard to believe that anyone would
think this way about love. And then he just figured he'd defy everybody and
started doing this thing... It's more to shock than anything else, I
believe. To show that he is above things like love..."

Justin was quiet for a second and then smiled.

"What he said about love, however, is a neat trick sometimes when you break
up." He added. "Let's sleep now, shall we?"

He turned off the nightstand light. In the darkness, his lips found mine,
we locked each other in an embrace our mouths glued together for what
seemed like an eternity.