Date: Sun, 18 Jul 1999 17:32:50 CDT
From: Ari Ryven <thedoors72@hotmail.com>
Subject: Forget About Letting Go

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Forget About Letting Go  (Part One)

By Ari Ryven
__________________________________________________________________________

Chapter One 
===========

	Ya know...I'd never really thought I'd ever actually be able to get
over the fact, that society hated me.  That it was commonplace for people
to dislike me just because I like guys.  Maybe when I noticed that Aaron
was starting to notice me, I managed to obsess over something else for a
change.
	I remember the first time I caught him looking at me.  At first I
was like..."WHAT THE FUCK IS HE LOOKING AT???" I was with my best friend,
Trevor that day.  We were catching dinner at Waffle House that night, and
Aaron was working there.  The whole time I could feel his eyes on me...

	"Hey...Josh.... That fag Aaron is over there eyeing ya man!  Do
something...let's mess with him!" Trevor laughed.  God, he said fag!  Does
that mean he hates fags- I mean does that mean he hates gays?  Maybe I
misheard him.  Anyway.

	"No way man, he can eye me all he wants, he just can't touch," WHAT
WAS I SAYING!!! Aaron could touch me all over and I would touch him TOO!
	"Besides man, the thought of din anything to lead that fag hag on
makes my skin crawl," I lied.  "I'm afraid he might rape me or something.
EEWWW MAN!"
	
	YEAH RIGHT! As if Aaron would have to FORCE me to have sex with
him.  I wanted to get rid of Trev sooo bad, but I couldn't.  He was my
ride, and what if I was wrong?  What if Aaron was looking at me saying the
same stuff I was saying to Trev?

	"Yeah, right man!  Admit it! HOMO!!! YOU WANT HIM, YOU WANT
HIM...You wish he'd come over here and fuck you on the table RIGHT NOW
don't you!" Trevor joked, grabbing hold of the table pretending to fuck it
for all that he was worth (which as time went on that much amount to less
and less). And, he kept poking me with his fork.  ONE, EWWWW, there was
still chocolate pie on that fork, and two he was way too loud!

	Although he had no idea that everything he was saying was true, I
was really hurt and could've cried.  How could he hate someone so much?

	"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAN!!!  What the hell is wrong with you, sit
still and shut the fuck up! What if someone hears???"  I exclaimed with a
little more venom in my hiss than I intended.

	Trevor looked at me kinda stunned, giggled for a few minutes more
then finally shut the hell up.  But when he shut up, I got scared....Trevor
shut up.  About 5 seconds later I found out why.  I looked around the
corner of my booth and a crotch nearly hit me right in the face! What?!?
Trevor just exploded with laughter and I sat up straight8 with a deer
caught in headlights kinda look.
	
	"Hey Trevor, Joshua..." Aaron said...'Joshua' heheee, OMIGOD!
Aaron!  SHIT!  "Umm...Trevor are you alright?"  Trevor who had since
doubled over in his seat due to a massive laugh attack tried to sit up and
speak through his giggles and snorts.  "Listen, Sarah's on her break I'll
be taking care of you guys while she's out there...Can I do anything for
you two?"

	Trevor managed to calm himself, and still hold on to some threads
of dignity.  Then he said it.  "Umm, heheheee....Yeah!  GREAT Aaron!  Hey
listen, umm, cutie...why don't you do me a favor, and take this number
down!" He attempted to maintain his composure, "973-9173...Josh gets a li'l
lonely on the weekends!"  He started busting out in fits of laughter again,
pantomiming holding a phone to his ear and mouthing the words, "call me."
I think I bruised my chin, b/c it found it's way to the floor, and fast
too.
	
	Aaron looked at me with what I assumed was the same look I had
given him when he first walked up to our table...He sighed, and walked off
saying "Fuck off assholes," under his breath.  He still looked at me from
behind the counter and while Trevor was trying to calm down, I looked over
and managed to lock eyes and gave him my best non-verbal apology I could.

	I gave Trevor the silent treatment through the rest of dinner, and
he got the hint that I was pissed.  As we headed for the car I finally let
it all blow up..."WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN?!?  What were you
thinking giving him my number?"  I practically screamed at him.  Hey, you
DO NOT piss me off, not even if you are my best friend.  Especially if it's
just to make fun of some "FAG!" as he calls us.

	"Jeez man I was just joking around.  Besides I said 9173, Yours is
9371 remember?  Besides, it was worth it wasn't it?  Shit that pucker
fucker deserves a hard time for ever being born!"  Trevor said, with some
anger in his voice, not apologetic at all.
	
	"Trev, he's gay, that doesn't mean he's the scum of the earth man.
He was actually pretty cool back in fifth grade man...remember?"  I tried
to avoid sounding sympathetic, but still find a way to get Trev to realize
he shouldn't be such a fucking bigot.
	
	"He USED to be cool man, but that was what, three," Trevor counted
the years on his fingers.  He was soo cute when he was really trying to
remember something. " SIX years ago!!!  Shit man, a lot has changed...me
and you almost completely stopped hanging out freshman year remember?  It's
because we all change man...and he CHANGED!  That's all I'm saying man...he
changed...and change ain't always good.  That's all I'm saying."

	"Well you still shouldn't have been such an asshole, he's Becky's
best friend...he says anything to her and you won't be getting any for a
looong time."  Becky, Trevor's girlfriend of two years, was a MAJOR babe at
school.

	She was also into acting, and apparently so was Aaron...they became
best friends during one of the school plays...I got stuck on publicity for
that dumb thing somehow...I think I needed extra credit for language or
some shit like that.  That was freshman year, and back then I didn't really
know I was gay.  I remember spending that WHOLE semester trying to get into
Becky's pants.  Never worked...I tried getting closer to her by associating
with Aaron even though he'd been labeled as a fag even back then.  Two
years later the poor guy still hadn't managed to prove anyone wrong.  I
drove my thoughts back to Trev and Becky, "So...I think we should lay off
the fag bashing if you want to get laid."

	"Yeah, So, let's stop having fun for Becky!!!" He said in his best
valley girl voice. He giggled ferociously at that thought.  I guess I
must've been more pissed than I thought, because I didn't even flinch.  I
just stared off into space, stone-faced.  "Yo, Numb Nuts?  Where we going?
You uhh, wanna go back to my place and smoke my pole?" Trevor joked and
poked me in the arm.  I hadn't heard him.

	I just mumbled a monotonous, "Yeah. Sure. Whatever."  Which made
Trev jump back to the far side of the cab of his Blazer and scream bloody
fucking murder!

	"OMIGOD!!! YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!!! YOU'RE A POLE-SMOKIN' QUEER!!!"
He screamed at the top of his lungs.
	
	I came back to life, oblivious to what I'd just said. "WHAT?!?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN ABOUT," then I caught on.  "MAN! Fuck you,
lets just go to the park and see if James is there...maybe he's got some
bud or something."

	"Aye Aye Captain Spank Monkey, will ye be needin any semen for this
voyage?" Trevor asked as seriously as he could manage in some lame attempt
at a pirate's voice.  I couldn't ignore him this time...It was sooo cute.
Trevor was cute.  I admit it....but he was just so UNTOUCHABLE.  I broke
out into hysterical laughter even though it was a stupid joke.  I guess I
can only be pissed at someone for so long.  Especially someone I love as
much as I do Trevor.  Watch it JOSH...thou shalt not covet thy best
friend...is that a commandment?  Ah, hell I'm not Christian anyway.

==========================================================================

Chapter 2    
=========

	I laid in bed for hours before sleep finally came.  I couldn't stop
thinking about how much Trevor seemed to hate Aaron just because he was
gay.  What was really bothering me was that it wasn't just some guy he
didn't know, it was Aaron.  Both of us knew Aaron really well, like ever
since around 4th grade.

	I was just laying there staring at my ceiling and thinking, not
knowing, wondering, what if Aaron actually called that number?  He'd get
the wrong number.  Duh JOSH!!!  Trevor gave him the wrong number!  SHIT!
DAMNIT TREV! WHY COULDN'T YOU BE EVEN MORE OF AN ASSHOLE AND GIVEN HIM MY
REAL NUMBER?!?  GAWD, sometimes I can't stand that guy.

	Don't get me wrong I love Trevor to death...the only thing that
keeps us from being full-on brothers is the fact that we're not blood
related.  He and I grew up together.  We used to run this neighborhood back
in the day.  All the kids would come over to see what Trev and Josh were up
to.  Even up until we were like 12, guys and some girls would come over to
check and see what the two dynamos were up to.  Those were the days.  But,
these last few years have been tough for me and him.  You know though, the
two of us being typical males...well the one of us anyway, we don't get
into this much.  To be honest all we ever do anymore is hang out at school,
and maybe go hang out with James, the town drug dealer I guess you could
call him, down at the lake.

	James, now he was a great guy...no matter what your pleasure was
whether it was bud, meth, downers...he either had it within his reach or
new who to call to get some.  But that wasn't all he was to me.  I'd beat
off many many nights thinking of him.  I guess you could say that I had a
kind of crush on him.  Whenever I got near him I kinda started to become
transparent, and more empathetic towards everyone around me.  When I was
around James, I'd become one of my worst nightmares. I would act like a
fag.

	I'm not really sure I hated the fact that I was gay.  When I was
horny, whether it was right or not never entered into it... Sooo, most of
the time it didn't worry me. Hehe.  But then there were times like this.

	My mind kept returning to Aaron though.  Eventually, I guess my
subconscious got tired of my obsessing over the night's events and it sent
images of Aaron naked running through my head.  I was never supposed to
have seen him but my GOD he looked so good!

	It was opening night for Becky's latest play.  She'd landed the
lead role of Penelope in this great little British comedy called See How
They Run.  OH god that play was so funny.  There was this one part in the
third act, where Aaron, who was playing this guy Toop runs out on stage in
nothing but boxers!!! OMG he was so sexy!  I'm not sure if they caked
makeup on his whole body or not...but it looked damn good I can tell you
that.  He was this smooth evenly tanned dark haired Adonis, the likes of
which I'd never seen.  I guess I fell in love with him then...OH GAWD, I
said the "l" word.  SHIT.

	Anyway...after the show I ran backstage to congratulate Becky and
tell he what an awesome job she did.  I guess I wasn't expecting it to be
as dark as it was.  I tripped across the set, and made it backstage by some
miracle and as soon as I passed the black masking flat, I ran into
someone...They were doubled over and I couldn't see, so I had no Idea who
I'd ran into.  I caught myself by grabbing onto the folds of one of the
wing curtains and used my free hand to grab the poor person's arm I'd ran
into to keep the from falling.

	"Whoa shit! Man, are you alright?"  I asked as I managed to catch
my balance.  As I stood up I accidentally rammed my hip into the person's
butt.  My hand lightly brushed warm flesh.

	Suddenly a blue light was clicked on just over where I was
standing, and Aaron stood up full-length, buck-ass naked.  Even though he
was bathed in an eerie blue light I could easily see every rock hard
chiseled muscle on his body.  Including his rather nice, also rock hard
cock!  He was almost completely hairless except of course for the hair
under his arms, and a rather nice happy trail leading to a beautiful patch
of dark dark blue pubic hair.  (HEY THE LIGHT WAS BLUE AFTERALL!)

	"Oh my god, JOSH!" Aaron managed to exclaim.  An instant later he
had picked up one of the stage props which I later recognized as Reverend
Humphrey's hat, and covered his crotch.  "Umm...wh- wha- what are you doing
here?  You're sup- p - pppposed to be up front man!" He said in a timid and
frightened voice I barely recognized.
	
	"Oh man, Aaron...I'm so sorry...I didn't know. I...I just came back
to congratulate-"
	
	"JOSH?!?  OH MY GOD JOSH! I'm so glad you made it!"  Becky came
bouncing around the corner and threw her arms around me.  Saved by Becky.
She stepped back and tossed Aaron his robe.  "Cover your tush sweetie, you
might catch a cold...I told you your robe was down stairs." She told Aaron
with a motherly tone.  "What brings you to the changing area Joshy?" She
asked sweetly.
	
"Umm...uh...it was...was an accident, I came backstage to find you.
G-G-Great Show Beck...you were AMAZING!"  I managed to spit out while at
the same time running thoughts of Sally Struthers, Bo Derek, Pamela
Anderson, Barbara Streisand, My Mom, My grand mother, Power Tools...WAIT NO
NOT POWER TOOLS! ANYTHING, to get the images of Aaron's big hard cock out
of my head.  I swear that thing must've been 7 or 8 inches!

	"Hey did Trev make it tonight?  He said he was gonna come to one of
the shows..."  She asked, as if she didn't already know the answer.

	"Umm...no, not tonight...I think he's coming tomorrow...I know I
am!" I said a little too excitedly.  I guess I managed to draw Aaron's
attention with that exclamation, as he looked up and kind of half-smiled
when I said that.  OH! Mental Note, bring Trevor to tomorrow night's show.

	"Ye- Yeah.  Remember Beck?  He stopped by our locker before lunch.
I guess you didn't hear him... You were talking to Tina.  He said he was
going to come to the Friday show.  He couldn't make it tonight because he-"

	"He promised James he'd help him set up for this weekend. GOD! Now
I remember.  Thanks Aar!"  I lied.  I guess Aaron knew as well as I did
Trevor hated these shows.  He locked eyes with me and held them with a look
that told me I'd better get Trevor to the show the next night or else.

	"Oh...I guess you're right...I didn't hear him," She smiled
broadly.  "C'mon Aaron let's go take off all this fucking makeup...I can
just feel it starting to form blackheads, and pimples...OH GOD THEY'RE
GGGGRROOWWING!"  She screamed and ran off laughing hysterically...Aaron in
tow.  ACTORS!

	
Later that night as I was walking to my house I heard someone come running
after me.  A weak and weary Aaron came to a stop beside me.  He was panting
for breath.  He grabbed my shoulder for support and caught his breath.

	"Josh, hey...."

	"Hey Aaron.  Umm...what's up?  Why were you running?"  I asked
extremely confused.

	"Just... a sec...."  He sat down on the curb and finally after what
seemed like hours managed to regain control of his breathing and talk to
me.  "Listen.  I just wanted to umm...thank you." THANK ME? FOR WHAT?
Embarrassing the hell out of him as well as nearly bowling him over?  Ooh!
Maybe he enjoyed that! "...For helping me cover for Becky." Well, there
went that idea.
	
	"I know how sensitive she is about that stuff...I was glad to help,
besides, I gotta keep Trev outta trouble...it's kinda my-"
	
	"Bullshit." He stood up glaring at me with this incredulous look on
his face.  "You don't know shit about how sensitive she is..." OUCH!  I
must've tripped something else this time.  "She cries to me on the phone
all the time, because of what your dickhead friend does to HER! And what he
does to ME!!!"  He started to get loud, and very very angry.  His eyes were
full of hate.  Did he hate ME?
	
	"I'm...I'm-"
	
	"NO!" He screamed.  "NO.  No.  Forget about it." His attitude
changed.  It was almost as if his remarking on how Trevor treated him
drained away all of his courage.  "Listen Josh, I'm sorry, but please,
please.  This means a lot to her, could you please make sure he shows up
tomorrow night?  Please?"

	This time it was a look of sincere concern.  What does it matter?
He's not concerned that I do something right, or that I help him.  He's
concerned that if Trevor doesn't show up, Becky will be devastated.
 	
	"Umm...yeah.  He's uh- he's coming tomorrow night.  He'll be there
whether he wants to or not Aaron.  I promise."  That made him smile.  For a
moment I swear his perfect white teeth made that pinging sound you only
hear in those old commercials.

	When I looked into his gorgeous hazel eyes, I saw something I'd
never seen in anyone's eyes before.  Hell I don't know what it was...it
just made me smile.  He extended his hand to me, and we shook.  His skin
was soft and smooth, and shocks of electricity were doing the salsa on my
spine.

	"Thank you josh.  Thank you.  I don't want anyone hurting Becky."
He got a little teary-eyed.  God there must be something I don't know
about.  With that he changed the subject all together...All traces of
concern and fear left his face and eyes.  He really was a great actor.  He
turned and started walking on past me. Yep, a great actor with a beautiful,
tight, teen ass.  "So...Josh...Did you like what you saw?"

	My jaw slammed into the pavement.  "WHA-WHA-WHAT?!?"  What did he
say to me?

	He kind of giggled and turned to face me.  He was blushing.  Awwww.
"The PLAY!  Did you like the play?  How was I?  You gave Becky rave
reviews, what about me?"  He asked smiling wryly.

	"Oh, OH! Oh, you...you were GREAT!"  I said a little more
emphatically than I guess I should have.  Under the glow of the streetlight
his face became an intense shade of red.  Oh God, we both knew I wasn't
talking about the play!

"Thanks!" He said, and with that beautiful smile I heard the ping again,
and then footsteps as he trotted off down the street to his house.

	So I guess seeing him naked had a great effect on me.  Hell that
whole night had a great effect on me.  Right now I had other matters to
attend to.  I didn't get to finish beating off...I was too tired.  I fell
asleep with my dick in my hand.

==========================================================================

Chapter 3
=========

	When I woke up the next morning, my neck was in knots.  I guess it
WAS a restless night.  Apparently, I'd slept the whole night with my head
hanging over the side of the bed.  DAMN!  I gotta stop doing that.
	
	I got up to dress and shower, but by the time I reached the door my
phone rang.  I stumbled back to my bedside table to see who the fuck was
calling me so early in the morning.

	"Yeah?  What do you want?"

	"OOH! Is that any way to greet a friend Joshua?!?"  Becky who was
WAY too cheerful for me at this point was on the other end of the line
asking if I was sleeping!
	
	"It is when it's..."  I fumbled around for my alarm clock and
turned it to where I could see it.  "when it's 4:24 in the morning!"  I
screamed into the receiver.

	Becky began to laugh on the other end.  "4:24 a.m. huh?  Hey...umm,
Josh dear?  Go open those damned curtains!  It's 4:30 p.m. and I need you
to do me a big big favor!"

	"OH SHIT! God Beck, I'm sorry I really didn't know what time it
was...I didn't sleep too well.  Had a bad night."  Realizing that I slept
the day away woke me up real quick.  What the hell was I doing sleeping
away a beautiful Saturday?

	"Umm...yeah, I know.  So did Aaron.  Hey listen, can you meet me at
the waffle in about 10 minutes?  Bring some money for dinner...err
breakfast--hehe."  She laughed uneasily.  What was up with that?  She wants
me to meet her for dinner?  At the waffle house?  OH SHIT! Last night!
Aaron!  Uh-oh!

	"Uhhh, uhhh, no.  I- I just got up Beck.  Maybe some other time?"
I said hoping she'd say ok and just hang up.

	"OH COME ON! This is really important Josh.  I need to talk to you
about something." She pleaded.

	"Can't we just talk on the phone?  Wait, why don't you just talk to
Aaron?  He IS your best friend isn't he?"  I asked, still hoping there was
a way out of that dinner.

	"Damnit Josh! C'mon.  I never ask you for anything.  Can't you just
come down here and talk with me.  Besides its freezing out here...that's
why I can't stay on the phone much longer.  So will you?  Please?  Just
come down here Josh.  I really really need to talk to you!"

	"GOD BECKY!  Alright, but I need to shower first.  Make it 30
minutes.  And this better be good!"  I hung up the phone and stormed off to
the shower.  I think at that moment I realized why I was gay.  Women were
so pushy sometimes.  What in the hell could be so important that she
couldn't just tell me over the phone?  Why couldn't she just talk to Aaron?

==========================================================================

Chapter 4
=========

	God, Becky was right!  It is FUCKING COLD out here!  I thought to
myself as I sped down the street on my rollerblades.  Maybe I should have
dried my hair first, that would have helped.  No!  What would've helped is
if my mom would have kept her ass at home so I could've taken the car.  No
matter now.  I think my dick froze and broke off about a mile back.

	After a long cold trip, I had finally made it to the Waffle house.
I skated past the window, waving at Becky as I did so.  She waved back with
a big goofy grin.  That was like her trademark or something, I swear.  I
stopped at the door, undid my skates, put on my shoes that I had slung over
my shoulder, and walked in.  I noticed, that Aaron was working.  GOD what
was this about?  If her best friend was here and she didn't want to talk to
him about it, then it must be about last night.  He must have told her
about what Trevor did.  And of course, I'm guilty by association.

	I tossed my skates into the seat and sat down.  A lot of good that
shower did.  I was covered from head to toe in sweat.  "What's up?"  I
asked wiping sweat from my brow.

	"Ooh, mom took the car huh?" I winced and nodded.  "Gosh, I'm sorry
Josh.  Before I get started, will you promise me one thing?" Promises?

	"What, Becky?"  I asked with my best I'm cold, covered in sweat,
and not too happy with you right now so I'm not sure I wanna promise you
anything, look.

	"Well, promise you won't get up and storm out of here if you hear
something that you may not want to hear.  And promise you won't go psycho
on anyone."  Promise I won't go psycho on anyone?!?  What the fuck was she
going to tell me?

	"First off, the odds of me going anywhere," I paused to fish my
cigarettes and lighter out of my jacket pocket.  "After just making a 3
mile road trip in 20 minutes on roller blades, is very very unlikely.  And
what do you mean 'go psycho'?"  I lit a cigarette and slumped back into the
booth. I looked around the restaurant.  Hey!  I can see Aaron from here!

	"Just promise!!!"  She said, then grabbed my cigarette from me and
took a long deep drag and handed it back.  Becky only smoked when she was
extremely nervous.  That was very very rare.  She was usually so
controlled.  I guess my look gave away my surprise.  "Sorry, this isn't
easy for me."

	I picked up the box and flipped it open, offering her a cigarette.
She accepted and after I lit her cigarette too, (even fags can be
gentlemen!) I agreed.

	"Good!  Now, with that out of the way.  Let's get our food!."  She
turned around the corner of the booth and gestured for Aaron to come over.
	"Be right there!" He said.  God he had the sexiest voice I'd ever
heard!

	A minute later Aaron slung off his apron and came over and sat down
next to Becky.  He looked from her to me, back to her and then he cracked a
huge grin.

	"Umm...what are you doing?"  Becky asked Aaron, apparently amazed
at his lack of pen and paper to take our order.

	"What do you mean what am I doing?  You told me to come over here,
so, I took my break!"  His smile faded and Becky slapped his forehead.

	"DUH! We haven't even ordered our food yet!  C'mon Aar, get with
it!" She giggled, taking another drag off her cigarette.  Aaron winced at
the sight of her smoking.  She in turn faked her smile and no longer found
the situation amusing.  "Sorry..." she apologized as she put the cigarette
out.  "Umm when's your next break babe?"  She asked, changing the subject.

	I'd never realized it before, but she was more affectionate towards
Aaron than she was to Trevor.  But it was a deeper affection...One I still
can't fully understand.

	"Oh, umm, around 6:30..." He smiled sheepishly.
	
	"Shit!  You mean this is your last break?"  She said gawking at him
as if he'd just made it more difficult for her to live.  "What if you cut
this break short?"

	"No dice Beck.  Have to take the whole break. If we cut it short,
that counts as the whole break."  He reached over to the ashtray and pulled
it towards him.  He fished a lighter from his pocket and lit Becky's
half-smoked cigarette.

	"You little shit!" She giggled, "That's mine!  If you can smoke so
can I!"  She yanked the cigarette from him.  That was real nice.  You could
tell they were good friends.  He just sat back and shrugged his shoulders,
smiling at me.
	
	I got out my cigarettes and tossed the pack to him.  "Keep it.  I
got another pack in my jacket." I patted my jacket lightly, and smiled.
For the first time since he sat down, he said something to me.

"Awww, no that's ok Josh, I was just messing around with Beck."  He handed
them back, only to have me lean forward and push them back towards him.

	"I said keep `em Aaron.  It's ok man! Really.  C'mon, take 'em..."
I said trying to convince him to take a friggin` cigarette.

	"Umm..." He looked down at the table for a moment as if he was
searching for words.  "Than- Thanks man."

	"No prob, man..." I trailed off.  Finally convinced I'd won the
battle, I slouched back into my seat.

	Aaron slowly lit up a cigarette and sat back in the seat.  Becky
looked over at him and smiled.
	
	"Hey Aaron.  I need to talk to Josh about something.  It's kinda,
you know...IMPORTANT!"  She said with emphasis on "important."  Aaron
jumped the moment she said "important", then got up to leave.  He was
rubbing his shin.

	"Jeez, I get the message...you didn't have to kick me! I'll talk to
ya later Josh...thanks for the smokes! I'll send Sarah over to take your
order..." He turned and walked over to the counter and finished his break.

	"So...Josh! What are you eating?  I'm just having some pie."  She
smiled at me as she mushed her cigarette in the ashtray.

	"I'm not sure, let's see here."  I looked over the menu as Becky
continued.

	"Anyways I asked you over here, because I needed to talk to you
about last night.  What -"

	"Oh man, Becky...I'm sorry.  I don't know what was up with Trev-"

	"No! No, not that.  I know what Trev said, and when I figure out
where he is today-"

	"He should be at James' helping set up for the party.  You goin`?"
I asked, relieved that she let me finish a sentence.  Then again I'd done
the same thing to her.

	"Yeah.  Anyways.  I need to know something for..."  She paused for
a moment.  She winced as she finished her sentence, "for Aaron's sake."

	What does she mean for Aaron's sake?  If it's not about Trevor
teasing him last night?  What is this about?  Wait, why don't you finish
listening to her FIRST Joshua!?!

	Becky looked down and began to play with my lighter as she
continued on, "Umm...last night, when you and Trev were here...you...you
didn't say anything, or go along with any of his 'Jokes' did you?  You
weren't in on it to were you?"  The way she said jokes, you could tell how
bad it hurt her to know her boyfriend could be such an asshole.  At the
moment I agreed with her.

	"No!...God No!  Listen...I know Trev is my best friend, AND that he
can be a bigot...But I...I wouldn't, I couldn't do anything like that.  I'm
just not that type of person."  I said, trying to find the words that could
help me sound straight, but let her know I'm cool with gay people.

"Oh...Oh ok...umm...What 'type of person' is that?"  She asked, looking up
to meet my eyes.  Now it was my turn to look away.

	"I don't know...I'm not the kind of person that just hates somebody
just because their-"

	"Hey guys, what's up?"  Sarah asked as she stopped at our table.
"What you guys havin` tonight?"

	"Hi Sara!  Umm...I want a slice of pumpkin pie if ya got it, if not
apple will-"

	"Yep we've got some pumpkin pie.  It's great!  Had some on my last
break."  Oh god you could see the pie in her hips!  Eeeewww.

	"Ok, I'll have that and some hot chocolate please."

	"Ohhh K!  And for you Josh?"  She looked over to me and smiled.

	I gave her my order and then pulled out my other pack of
cigarettes.  I pulled two out, tossed Becky one and lit up.

	After a minute or so, Becky broke the silence.  "You were saying?"
She smiled weakly.  God this must've been as hard for her as it was for me
to talk about.

	"Oh....yeah.  Well, like I was saying.  I'm not the kind of person
to judge somebody because they're gay.  I don't know...that's just not
me...ya know?"  I tried to sound like it was no big thing, but it was a big
thing...I'd never talked about homosexuality to anyone unless it was to
make fun of some guy that seemed to me to be gay.

	"Yeah..." She said unconvinced I was telling her what I was really
thinking, "So, how come?  I mean you practically grew up with Trev...he
turned out to be that way...."

	"I DID grow up with Trev...I don't know...I guess it's because I've
always been a pretty sensitive guy...and when my uncle died about a few
years ago, and nobody in my family cared, it hurt me.  Apparently my dad's
brother, Michael contracted aids...We all thought it was from drugs..." I
started to tear up.  "Mike...Umm...He-"

	Becky reached across the table and put her hand on my arm.  "It's
ok Josh.  You don't have to-"

	"No...no, it's ok."  I managed to regain control of my emotions and
go on.  "Umm...Anyways, no one in the family had any idea that Mike was
gay.  He lived alone and he WAS 35, but nobody even suspected.  But at his
funeral, there was this guy there that no one knew.  My dad who was pissed
because it was a private service, tried to throw him out.  The guy, Jeff,
explained everything, well almost everything.  My dad knocked him out and
went into a fit of crying after the guy told him.  It was really bad.  But
after that Mike was nothing to my family.  No one would talk of him.  My
grandparents got rid of every single picture they ever had of him, and my
parents took down the picture we had of him that used to be on our mantle.
I keep it in my room now.  Gay or not, mike and I were tight.  Every summer
I would go stay at his house for about 3 weeks.  We'd hang out together all
the time.  I never wanted to come home when I was out there.  I never
wanted to come back here."  All of a sudden memories of WHY I never wanted
to leave uncle mike's place flooded into my head.  A stray tear raced down
my left cheek.  "God, I'm sorry.  Look at me...hehe, crying over spilt
milk.  So..."

	"So..." Becky repeated, looking down at the table...

	A minute later Sarah showed up with our food.  "Here ya go guys."
Becky kept staring at the table.  She didn't even flinch. Sarah looked over
to me and saw that I was crying.  "Whoa...sorry guys...Enjoy your food!"
She might have some big-ass hips, but she knew when to butt out.

	Becky and I ate in silence, and didn't really ever finish that
conversation.  We changed subjects and started to talk about Trev, and we
reminisced for a while.  Then she asked the killer.

	She was smiling by now, and she had me giggling like a little
schoolgirl.  "Hey, Trev's had all these girlfriends... what's up with you?
The last time I even saw you go after anyone was freshman
year...hehe...that was fun!"  She giggled referring to me chasing after her
all year long.
	
	Why couldn't she ask me something- ANYTHING else?  God, what do I
say?  I guess I'll have to wing it, "Umm...well I'm tryin` to have fun ya
know, and I don't think I could do that with a girl...I mean girlfriend!!!"
SHIT SHIT SHIT!  Was there a pause when I said that?  Did I pause when I
said girl?!?!?
	
	Becky stopped laughing and she took on a serious expression.  Man
oh man what did I just say?!?  "Hehe....so, you just didn't wanna be tied
down? You want to have fun.  So you just mess around then?"  She didn't
sound like she caught my slip - up... At least I hoped and prayed that she
didn't.

	"Uhhh...yeah! I mean No! NO!  I....GOD.  No.  I'm not like that
either.  I mean-"

	"Josh...cut the shit." She said seriously, then broke out into a
smile.
	
	Her smile was infectious.  After a pause and about 15 seconds of
her smile I cracked a small grin.  "WHAT?!?"  I asked, trying not to
giggle.

	She sighed, and leaned forward.  "Josh, no 17 year old male decides
NOT to mess around and have sex with girls just so he can have fun.
There's only one other guy I know that's like that."  I caught on to what
she was getting at.  She knew.  I don't know how...but she knew.  "And you
know what?  I love him to death, he's like a brother to me.  So
please...you can trust me, I won't say anything to anyone.  Just please,
answer me one question?"

	I swallowed attempting to force my heart back down out of my
throat.

	"Josh, are you...are you gay?"  She asked, she was stone cold
serious.  She wasn't going to let me get out of this.  But still I couldn't
just tell her.  What if she tells Trevor?  Then he'll never speak to me
again and he is my best friend.

	"NO!  God, I'm just...ya know...waiting...for the right woman to
come along. Jeez, beck..."  I slumped back into the seat and tried to blow
it off, as if she was way off.  Now I know why I never tried out for the
plays.  I can't act for shit!

	"Josh....Will you stop with that macho bullshit.  Listen I promised
you that I will not tell ANYONE.  Anyone DOES include Trevor.  I won't say
anything.  This the one big favor I need from you Josh.  I need to know
this.  You'll thank me for this.  I promise, just please.  Tell me the
truth.  I already know the answer anyways.  But I need to hear it from
you."  She leaned forward and placed her hands on mine.  I sat there in
silence.  I knew I was found out either way.  I was a rabbit in her
headlights, and if I didn't act quickly I'd be roadkill.  "Josh?"

	The butterflies that I had completely ignored up until now were
finally getting to me.  My heart was pounding.  I could feel my whole body
shaking.  Someone knew that I was gay.  And I didn't even tell them.  They
just knew.  Was I really that obvious?  I tried to swallow the lump in my
throat.  Tears stung my eyes, but I refused to let them fall.  I was going
to break down.  I had to get out of there.
	
	I got up and ran out the door.  I didn't take notice of anyone
there...including Aaron.  I didn't notice that he watched me leave with
fear in his eyes.  I didn't notice anything.  I just ran.  I didn't
remember my skates, my jacket, I didn't care.  I ran to the corner and sat
down on the bench there.  I leaned forward, and with my head in my hands I
bawled.

	HOW!  How did she know I was gay?  Did I reek of Scent de Fagot or
something?  And out of all the people in the world that knew...Why!  Why
did it have to be Becky?  My Fag-hating Best friend's girlfriend...Why?!?
	
	Not even a minute after I sat down at the bench, Becky came running
around the corner with my jacket and my roller blades.

	"God Josh I'm so sorry!  I'm sorry, I didn't know that it was gonna
be so hard for you...."  She sat down beside me and put her arm around me.
I shrugged her away violently.

	"Why!?!  Why is it so important to you?"  I looked up at her.  She
was crying too.  God, what is going on here? She reached her hand and
brushed a tear away from my cheek.

	"Oh josh...  I'm sorry.  It's just...  Listen, I love you a lot you
know.  You may not feel the same way, but I feel as close to you as I do to
Aaron.  I don't know why...  Josh...  this isn't important to ME... I
really don't care if you're gay or not, you're still my friend."  She
paused and looked up at the sky.  It was already dark.  Gotta love November
nights.

	"Wait...if it's not important to you....Then why the hell is it so
important that you know?"  Just as I finished speaking Aaron came walking
around the corner, smiling.  He was always smiling.  I loved that.  I tried
to clean myself up, and smiled weakly...

	"Umm...I'm off now.  You, uhhh...you guys alright?"

	Becky turned around to see Aaron standing beside her, smiling down
at the both of us.  She nodded, answering his question, then grabbed his
hand pulling him closer to her side.  She turned back to me and looked into
my eyes.  "Because it's important to him!"

==========================================================================

Chapter 5
=========

	After few minutes of silence, there outside the waffle house, the 3
of us all piled into Aaron's blue Corsica and went somewhere else to talk.
No one had said anything about the "conversation" since she told me that
Aaron liked me when we were at the Waffle House.
	
	Hell I was still trying to take it all in.  I couldn't decide if
that meant that Aaron liked me and wanted to know if I was gay, or if that
meant he was just looking for someone to call a friend that was in the same
situation.  The prospect of becoming Aaron's lover...boyfriend, whatever
that would make me if he wanted me...excited me beyond belief.  But still.
I couldn't just come out and say I was gay.  When it came right down to it
and Becky told me she already knew and all she wanted to do was hear me say
it, I couldn't do it.  And I really don't thing I could actually BE with
Aaron.  I wanted to.  GOD How I wanted him.  But, I can't, because if Trev
ever found out I was even TALKING to Aaron, he would disown me as his
friend, and probably beat my ass too.  I really liked Aaron.  But I'm
talking about TREVOR here!  My best friend.  My companion in life since
childhood.  He was like so much more than a best friend.  He helped me
through my parent's divorce, and when I wanted to start a band 2 years ago,
he volunteered to help me find some other guys that could play instruments.
He was always there for me.  But if he found out I was gay.  If he found
out...he wouldn't be there anymore.  I don't think I could deal with that.
But, was friendship more important than love?  Should I...COULD I choose
Trevor over Aaron if it came to that?

	We ended up at the bridge just outside of the park.  I managed to
clear my mind of almost all thoughts as we slowed to a halt in the car.
There was no one else around, partly because James was throwing a party a
few miles up river at the spring, and because it was fucking cold outside.
I checked my watch when I heard some shouts come from that direction.
7:16.  Damn, he starts those parties earlier and earlier every day.

	We got out and walked under the bridge to sit on one of the logs
someone had dragged under the dry side of the bridge.  It wasn't the best
place to go to talk, because the 30-foot cement supports of the bridge
formed a large arch, making even the slightest sound a reverberated
nightmare.  Aaron and Becky sat down and huddled together to stay warm
because it was so cold.  I sat down on the log opposite them just a few
feet away.

	No one said anything, and it was REALLY cold.  I button my
trademark German field jacket, and fished a cigarette out of my pocket.
"You guys want one?"  I asked holding the pack out to them.

	Becky shook her head, "Sure!  Maybe that'll help warm me up."
Aaron giggled at us as she took a cigarette and tried to light it but
couldn't because she was shivering so bad.  I tried to light it for her,
but I couldn't get my thumb to work right.

	"GOD! You two are pathetic! Here!"  He took My cigarette from
between my lips, took hers, and pulled out one from the pack I'd given him
earlier, then pulled out a windproof zippo lit them and passed em back.
"One thing I've learned, as much as I hangout under this damned bridge is
that if you wanna smoke you better get a windproof lighter, because the
wind is ALWAYS blowing down here!"  He laughed and leaned back against the
cold wall.  I started giggling myself, but that was just because he was so
cute I had to do SOMETHING!

	Becky didn't say anything for a minute, because she too was
laughing.  Then she stood str8 up and said, "OK! IT IS TOO FUCKING COLD OUT
HERE!  WE HAVE GOT TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!"  She extended a hand and pulled
Aaron up to his feet, then did the same for me.

	"Thanks," I smiled.  "Well now where we gonna go?"  I asked while
we walked back to the car.

	Aaron stopped to yawn and stretch before he got into the car.  As
he stretched his upper body his shirt came untucked and I got a glimpse of
those well-toned hairless abs of his...OH GOD he had a great body.  And to
think I could have him! OH man this day was almost perfect.  He looked up
the hill at the gas station.

	"First stop, THE GAS STATION!"  He exclaimed in a cute yet
commanding voice.

	"Why there?" Becky asked, pausing before sliding into the front
seat.

	He flashed us a grin.  "I uhhh...I have to pee." He said, as if he
was making it up.  Why the gas station? Oh well, if you have to pee, you
have to pee.

***

	We got back in the car, and he drove through the back alley up to
the gas station.

	He left the engine running, as he got out to go inside, "Either one
of you want anything?" He asked.

	"How `bout a Sprite?"  Becky said, giving him a puppy-dog look that
said, "but only if you're buying."

	"Sure Beck. And for you?" He turned in my direction and for the
first time today he and I made eye contact.  He was grinning and he looked
so happy.  So sexy.  So goddamn hot!  Oh god I would take him right here in
this car if- "Umm...Josh?"

	I snapped back to life.  "No thanks man.  I'm fine."  His smile
faded for a second, but he held eye contact with me, then he smirked and
turned to go inside.  God his ass was sooo tight and perfect.  I wanted to
grab it and pull his body into me so we could share an intimate moment...or
two...or three...

	"He's got a great ass don't he?"  Becky asked as if I was one of
her girlfriends from school.

	"Huh? WHAT?!?"  I said excitedly, not sure what to say.  She
giggled and turned around to face me.

	"Listen Josh.  I know that you're not comfortable admitting it...or
talking about it.  But I see the way you look at Aaron.  You like him.
There is NOTHING wrong with that!"  She said, emphasizing her last
sentence, trying to get me to talk about how I feel towards Aaron.

	I wasn't wanting to hear it.  She couldn't possibly understand what
was at risk here.  "No.  Becky...EVERYTHING is wrong with that?  Don't you
see?  If I start hanging out with Aaron-"
	
	"C'mon...Hang out?" She asked.  Then laughed.

	"It's not funny, Becky.  Listen, if I'm even seen with Aaron, just
hanging out like we are today...Trevor will go ballistic.  He hates fags- I
mean gays.  And I'd be guilty by association."  I tried to put into words
how scared I was that Trev would kill me if he found out I just talking to
Aaron.

	"Josh, you are totally overreacting.  Besides, why does Trevor have
to know?"  She asked, giving me the sinking feeling I wasn't going to win
this argument without a long fight.  "Can't you just give Aaron a chance?"

	"Becky...."  I looked at her and to Aaron who I could see at the
register in the store.  Tears welled up in my eyes.  I wanted to love him
so bad.  I needed someone to love me too.  I couldn't deny myself forever.
"How can I give him a chance?  Me and Trev hang out almost everyday. He
would totally know something was up if I didn't hang out with him as much."

	Becky bit her lip.  Aaron walked out the store.  He saw me looking
at him through my window and he smiled.  Becky turned around and just
before Aaron reached the door said, "We'll figure something out...I
promise."

	"Hey guys!" Aaron tossed a plastic bag into the front seat and
plopped down in his seat.  He reached into the bag and pulled out a Sprite,
Yoo-hoo, and Dr. Pepper.  He handed Becky the Sprite, and turned around to
hand me the Dr. Pepper.  "Just in case you get thirsty."

	Wow, he knew my favorite soda.  "How....how did you know?"  He
laughed when I asked.  What was so funny?  I wanted to know!

	"Umm...Josh, you come in and eat at the Waffle House just about
everyday.  I make a habit of knowing what my favorite customers drink and
eat...." He trailed off.  We were both blushing.  He smiled and tried to
cover for himself.  "Better tips!"

	"HAHAHA! Yeah!  I'm sure that's why Aaron!  Heheheee..."  Becky was
rolling laughing.  When she said that Aaron turned and shot her an evil
look.

	I swear I can be such a blonde sometimes, of course he knew what I
drank.  He waited on my table most of the time!!! "Oh, well...thanks man.
I'm kinda surprised you'd remember that.  Thanks a lot!"

	"So..."  He said as he pulled out of the parking lot.  He looked
back into his rearview mirror at me.  "I talked to my friend Linda...she
said we could go to her apartment.  She's working right now and won't be
home for a while.  It's cozy and warm there, and no one around to bother
us.  Is that cool with you Josh?"

	I hesitated answering...going to someone's place that I didn't
know?  To be alone with Aaron?  Normally this would be a fantasy come to
life, but...well, this is reality....I had turned my gaze to the lady at
the gas pump trying to pump gas and keep her kids in the car at the same
time.  Sometimes life could be so frustrating.  I'd give anything not to be
in this particular frustrating situation.  On one hand I could finally be
alone with Aaron...well kind of...and on the other, what if we run into
someone that knows Trev and tells him that he saw me with Aaron going to
some apartment?  Not good.

	"Josh?"  Becky asked from the passenger seat.  "Please?!?  Remember
what I said."  She turned and smiled weakly.  Aaron just kinda grew this
confused look on his face.

	What did she mean...remember what she said?  What, the Trevor
doesn't have to find out thing?  She's right, I guess.  But what if
somebody tells him?  Then my smarts kicked in.  I was going to get to spend
time with Aaron.  GUILT-FREE!  Trevor was definitely at James' party.
"Umm..."  What the hell...LET'S GO!!! "Sure!  Let's go.  I gotta be home by
midnight though."  I hope for mine, Becky and Aaron's sake that this place
is nowhere near the party.