Date: Sat, 03 Feb 2007 23:00:13 -0500
From: Kan seiji <kanseiji@hotmail.com>
Subject: From Where I Stand - Chapter Fifteen (Gay/High School)

This work contains elements of sexuality between teenagers and includes
homosexuality in prevalence. Please exercise proper discretion. Do not read
this if it is illegal for you to do so or if the subject matter will
potentially offend you. The author assumes no responsibility for misuse or
misconduct associated with the dissemination or viewing of this work. Any
characters, representations or events should be assumed to be purely
fictional with any possible resemblance to the real world being entirely
coincidental or otherwise such that it may be treated as innocuous. This
work is copyrighted by the author, who retains all rights and priviledges.
This work should not be reproduced without the written consent of the
author. Please direct all feedback and comments to kanseiji@gmail.com.
Thanks for reading.

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"From Where I Stand"
by Kanseiji

Chapter Fifteen - "Jus Primae Noctis"

"I am feeling better, Juliana, but thanks for checking up on me. I really
appreciate it."

"Well I'm glad to hear it. I would like you to come in when you get a chance
so we can have a talk in person...phone therapy is for celebrities without
real problems, haha."

I loved Dr. Marks. "Haha, will do. I'll call your office to set it up."

"Ok, sounds good. Take care of yourself, Chris. Talk to you soon."

"Yep, thanks Juliana. Bye."

As I hung up the phone, I felt a bit relieved. I had called Dr. Marks
briefly a couple weeks before about some of the things I was going through.
She told me it was common, especially in stressful situations, to have
relapses of some of my symptoms...depression and post-traumatic stress were
tricky and didn't always go away altogether apparently. She also said that I
was doing the right thing just by talking to people close to me a lot
whenever I was feeling bad since one of the roots of my problem was bottling
up my feelings until it caused damage. I made a mental note to call her
office to get what I hoped would be a brief appointment in...Dr. Marks just
wanted to make sure she was reading everything correctly about me from over
the phone. She was incredibly perceptive, but she always felt face to face
was the best way to be sure. I was definitely feeling much better about
everything...I had come to terms with the fact that I made a mistake, that
it wasn't all my fault and that it's ok to mess up every once in a
while...as long as it didn't become a bad habit.

It was nice to be able to spend time with Ryan again without feeling nervous
or guilty. Jase actually suggested that Ryan and I just sit down for a while
and talk...mainly about my feelings and where Ryan's head was at. The talk
was really great...it took a little while to get Ryan to just stop
apologizing...he was feeling just about as bad as I was about the whole
thing. Luckily he didn't have the background emotional problems...he was
just a bit on the confused side. So the story was that he had some mental
association problems when it came to attraction...he had a close gay friend
and over the course of several years, their friendship and sexual
interaction started to overlap since his friend would be very forward about
his attraction to Ryan and Ryan enjoyed the...well, attention is the word he
used. I had the distinct feeling that Ryan's knack for identifying gay guys
also threw him off a little. I reasoned that we needed to get him a
girlfriend...to which he laughingly agreed. It wasn't long before Ryan and I
were mostly back in our mutual comfort zone...which helped a great deal with
me feeling better overall.

One suggestion Juliana had for me was more personal...it sounded pretty
cliché, but she told me I should stand in front of the mirror at least once
a day, smile and tell myself that I was worthy. She mentioned that I could
replace that last word with whatever I felt was appropriate as long as it
was positive and not phrased like "not pathetic" or "not worthless." She
reasoned that phrasing things like that just gets you down...that made some
sense since I was down a lot and I always phrased things that way. You would
never guess something that simple would help...but it kinda did. By the time
summer started, when I looked in the mirror I even had passing thoughts
like, "looking good today" or once I even had the nerve to tell myself that
"I'd go for me" when I had gone all out to go out with Jase. It was strange
to hear myself thinking positively like that...it probably didn't hurt that
I was more satisfied with the condition I was in after working out a lot
with Justin. I also started doing pushups and situps every night...it helped
me sleep better actually and it felt kinda cool when some of my shirts were
a little more snug...and it looked like I actually had a shape in the
mirror. Of course I still had to wear small or extra small...I guess some
things you just can't get around.

By summer's start, the voices in my head were pretty much silent...if ever
something negative did pop up in my father's voice, I would literally roll
my eyes at myself, tell the voice to get a life and it would go away. I felt
a bit like Gollum...except I tried to not do the little happy dance, hehe.
The dark thoughts started to be replaced by warm feelings...I had made a
point of keeping pictures of me with the people that I loved on my desk, my
computer and my cell phone. It was always enough to make me smile.

****

"Is this one yours too, Chris?" Ryan asked as he held up a box to me.

"Um...I think so, just put it in my room. Thanks!"

Moving sucked...but I didn't mind what it implied though. For the first
time, I was living away from home...not that I wasn't taking care of myself
most of the time, but it's the concept. My mom also thought it would be a
good "exercise" for me to be, for the most part, financially independent for
the summer. I had over the previous couple years made some money here and
there from various things...from designing websites and fixing computers to
doing some research work for my mom's firm. She insisted that I put the
money in a savings account since she gave me a living and spending budget
while she wasn't around...which was often. The money had accrued a bit of
interest and since my brother was covering my school expenses as a birthday
present, my mom thought I should be able to get by just fine on the
savings...without blowing it all of course.

"Have some fun, but don't go overboard. Remember, it's still school." That's
the way she put it. I was glad she at least had some confidence in me not
lose it completely and spend it all. I was even thinking about tutoring or
something on the side if the coursework wasn't too much to handle...and a
little extra money never hurt.

After Ryan had stayed over, we managed to get most of my things together so
we could move it to his dorm temporarily. Then move in day came and we were
shuttling boxes and other items to the apartment. The place was one floor of
a renovated house near Harvard Square, so getting to and from class wouldn't
be much of a problem. It was also mostly furnished so we just had to bring
personal items, linens and the like. It was great though...three bedrooms, a
big bathroom, a full renovated kitchen and most importantly, it had a washer
and dryer in the place. I was afraid I would have to shuttle laundry back
and forth to Quincy. Plus, there was a decent sized living room which nicely
accommodated Ryan and CJ's combined entertainment equipment...I had a bad
feeling about having a PS2 and a big TV...oh well. The funniest part was
seeing the expressions of random people as we hauled this big TV on a cart
from Harvard to the apartment...we did our best to look like we didn't steal
it, but I'm sure plenty of people assumed otherwise.

Most of Ryan and CJ's friends weren't staying for the summer since the
majority of them were eager to spend some carefree time at home rather than
take more classes...so that left them with the "yougins" to help them move.
Jase and Adam were eager to help out and I got Justin to help...actually
Becks said she'd help and told Justin that he wouldn't get any if he didn't
help too...god I loved that girl. I commented that Justin was pussy-whipped,
but he just smirked and said that, "of course I am...that pussy could whip
anyone...mmmm." It was a bit too much information for me.

Once we had everything over to the apartment, sorting and arranging began. I
had packed relatively light with the main items being my computer, bedding,
a box of drawing supplies and notebooks, and a couple bags of clothes. Oh
and of course a box or two of cooking equipment...otherwise we'd all starve.
Since home was so accessible, I didn't see a need to try and pack up my
entire life all at once and move it. If I really needed something, I could
just go get it. Jase got very into arranging things in my room...at one
point I just sat down on the bed and watched him moving things around to
where he liked them...which usually agreed with where I liked things. This
included the position of the bed, which he moved with me on top of it.

"Do you need me to get off of the bed?" I asked whimsically.

Jase was pushing the bed into position and didn't even pause. "Nah, you're
too light to notice, hehe." After the bed had reached its destination, he
took a moment to step back and judge the position. He even held up his hands
in the director's frame viewing stance for effect. "I think that's good." I
decided to take a look myself, so I got up, but as soon as I did, Jase
groaned as he dropped his hands down. "Ah man, now you ruined it. Now go
back there!" I just shook my head and laughed. Jase folded his arms as he
waited, so I humored him and assumed my place on the bed once more.

"Happy now?"

"Hmm...something's still a little off..." He looked at the arrangement
intently for a few seconds before looking like he had a realization...which
led him to jump on the bed with me. A little more "rearranging" was
done...which ended with me lying down on the bed with Jase spooning me.
"Ahh...much better."

"Hehe...you're such a goofball."

"I know, ain't it great?"

"Ha, yeah I guess." I cuddled into Jase's embrace and closed my eyes as I
took in the warm feeling...unfortunately, it was too warm. "Ok Jase, it's
way too hot in here."

"Yeah I was about to say...you have AC here right?"

"I thought that's what Ry said." We got up and went out into the living
room. Ryan and Justin were busy hooking up the entertainment equipment while
Adam and Becks chilled on the couch.

"Hey Ry," I started and waited for him to poke his head out from behind the
TV. "We have AC right?"

"Oh! Yeah, the thermostat should be right over there." A finger shot out and
pointed toward the wall next to the kitchen...where surely enough there was
a thermostat. Jase and I fiddled for a few minutes and soon enough, a nice
rush of cool air was circulating through the apartment.

"Ahhh..." Becks let out as she took in the coolness. "Much better."

"Yeah, it was starting to cook in here," Adam added on. Just then, Justin's
head popped out from behind the TV.

"Oh! Speaking of which, what's for dinner?"

Becks lit up a little. "Oooo...do we get to have Chris's cooking? Hmm??!" I
got similar looks of interest from everyone, but Ryan came to my rescue.

"Hey how bout we give Chris a break, we're just moving in. Besides, there
are like a dozen places around here we can grab food," Ryan suggested while
giving me a little smile...I was really starting to love that boy.

Adam and CJ volunteered to go and grab food for everyone. As they walked out
hand in hand, we sent them off with a lot of coos...to which they flipped us
all off as the laughed. It was really nice to see how well they were getting
along. Becks let me in when CJ had kissed Adam for the first time.
Apparently Adam was so nervous about the whole thing that he started shaking
uncontrollably...which subsequently led to CJ just holding him for 30
minutes. However, Adam really liked CJ and vice versa, so CJ got the hint
that he just had to take things a little slower.

I had started to talk to Adam a little bit more. It was really easy...he was
such a nice, unassuming guy that was just easy to be around. Since CJ was
going to be living with me, I assumed that Adam would probably be over at
the apartment a lot rather than his dorm. The idea was thrown around that
maybe he could just live with us, but we didn't have another room and he
wasn't ready to be sleeping with CJ every night. In fact, at that point,
they hadn't spent a night together...at least according to Becks. Also, it
was good to have someone who lived in the dorms so we could get in for
parties and other get-togethers over the summer...Harvard was pretty strict
about ID access control and while it was easy to just follow people in, it
wasn't always convenient.

As I thought on the subject, I made a note to spend more time with
Adam...not that it would take much effort since we were taking a class
together and would probably be going to each other for homework help. I did
feel like I had sort of "handed him off" to CJ before I got know him really
well...and besides, we had a lot in common...especially since we both fell
for the same guy, once upon a time.

****

"So, feel like home yet?" Jase asked as we cuddled on my bed...my then new
bed anyway. The place was pretty much set up and Ryan and CJ had retired to
their own rooms for a little while. Justin had to go home since he had to
get up early to go fishing with his dad and brother the next morning. Adam
and Becks hung around for a little while before heading home themselves.
That left Jase and me a little personal time.

"Hmm...yep. After all, I've got the three most important things for this to
be home."

"Oh? And what are those?"

I smirked as I counted off, "One, my computer, two, my blanket and three..."
I paused as I looked into Jase's eyes. "My sauté pan." I didn't even get a
chance to laugh before Jase jumped over and tackled me...soon enough I was
in the all to familiar position of him holding my arms above my head as he
stared down with an inquisitive grin.

"Your sauté pan, huh?"

I looked into the corner of my eye, pretending to think about it.
"Hmmm...maybe I did forget something."

"And what would that be, hmm?"

"Hmmm...oh that's right! My coffeemaker!" That was the wrong answer
too...Jase started tickling me as he held me down. I was laughing
hysterically...good thing we didn't really have any immediate neighbors as
they would have been slightly disturbed by some of the obscenities I was
yelling.

Jase finally let up and asked me again, "You wanna give that another try?"
He had let go of my hands, so I reached for him and pulled him down on top
of me.

"Hehe...I guess that just leaves you then." That obviously was satisfactory
since Jase just smiled and went in for a kiss. His smooth lips slowly
caressed mine as he parted them with his tongue. My eyes shut tight
instinctively as I let myself get consumed by the feeling of Jase sensually
wandering around my mouth. I was unconsciously stroking his hair as his
hands held my head and neck, guiding my movements in our kiss. We were
getting very into it...it wasn't long before we were grinding slowly amidst
our making out.

I came up for a breath and paused. "Jase...feel like...breaking in the
place, hmm?" I asked, grinning mischievously.

Jase grinned along with me, but cocked an eyebrow and asked, "Are you sure?
I mean isn't Ry's room right next to this one?"

I rolled my eyes and responded, "Come on, CJ and Adam will be making noise
soon enough and Ry won't have any trouble scoring over the summer
either...may as well be the noisemakers while we can."

Jase just shook his head at me and said, "Heh, y'know you've got everyone
fooled with your good boy act...but I know better. You're evil." His face
dipped down close to mine as he went on to say, "And I like you that way,"
as he smiled evilly himself.

"What act? I AM a good boy...you just make me act up. It's all your fault,"
I said, feigning offense.

"Haha, well then, I guess I better take responsibility." Jase moved from my
immediate field of vision as I lay on the bed. I felt him get up off of me
and a moment later, the door closed...and locked. He soon returned to his
previous position and resumed his previous activity.

It was intoxicating...the heat from Jase's lips and the sensual contact as
he ran his hands up and down my body. My thin t-shirt offered little
insulation from his touch, but that didn't stop him from reaching under...I
gasped as his hands started wandering in direct contact with the skin of my
chest and stomach. Jase slowly moved around and eased my shirt up...he
briefly paused from kissing me to get my shirt off over my head. The kiss
was quickly resumed after he practically tore off his own shirt...I basked
for a few precious moments as all of his muscles flexed as his shirt came
over his head. My eyes snapped shut once more as he dove right back to my
eager mouth.

My previously idle hands got to work as we undid each other's pants. Jase
was a little quicker and I soon felt him stroking me through my underwear as
he eased my pants down my legs. I had to pull back from kissing him as the
sensations hit my brain...that only served to further encourage more
contact. Jase rose off of my chest and quickly dispatched all remnants of
clothing on both of us. I gazed at his toned form, wanting him to
continue...it didn't take much convincing.

Jase actually partially restrained me as his mouth moved across my chest,
sending me into some uncontrollable convulsions as I was wracked with
intense waves of pleasure. His tongue darted around and paid special
attention to my nipples...I felt his grip on my arms tighten as his weight
pressed into me to keep me from thrashing about too much.

"Ahhh...Jase...god...hol...leeee...shiiiit." My moaning and slurred speech
only served to encourage his assault. He kissed, licked and even nibbled at
one nipple and then jump over to the other...lingering only long enough for
the skin to recover slightly in each location. His dick had come to lie next
to mine as he slowly and rhythmically slid up and down along the lengths of
our bodies...the beat of his movements flowing completely in sync with the
peaks of sensation in my head. I let my own hands roam and stroke Jase's
body. My fingers wrapped around his pecs and elicited nice little moans from
Jase.

"Shit...Chris, you're driving me nuts...mmm..." Just then he shifted out of
the reach of my hands. I was about to sit up a little to see what was going
on, but that didn't happen...the next thing I knew, Jase was having a field
day with my cock and his tongue.

"Ahhh...Jase...jeeaahahh..." Jase just kept up what he was doing...I was
seeing stars in no time at all. I shifted a little on the bed...Jase must
have thought I was trying to interrupt or something, because his hands
reached up, pushed me down more on the bed and started rubbing my chest...I
certainly had no complaints. Everything happening had also effectively
paralyzed me...I felt like I was floating.

A thin sheath of sweat had formed on my entire body...not exactly what I
wanted to happen on my bed the first night, but I suppose it had to happen
sooner or later...and it was definitely the most pleasant way of making my
sheets used. Jase had settled into a quick rhythm as he slid along my cock
and massaged my body. Every few seconds, different parts of my body would
tense and my fingers were clawing at the sheets under me. A wave of heat was
consuming me and I could feel myself choking up slightly as the front rose.
Soon enough, the front had hit my face and my breathing accelerated...my
deep breaths were replaced as I was practically panting.

"Jase...shit...Jase, I'm..." My words cut off as I felt my eyes press back
into my head...my back arched up as I felt jolts shoot through me. Every
muscle in my body tensed up and held for a few seemingly eternal
moments...then I was hit with an enormous wave of sheer pleasure and relief.
Jase's hands were on my hips, steadying my motions as he remained in place
on me...the sensations that had numbed slightly around my cock were becoming
stronger as I grew more sensitive to his touch. As my body eased up, Jase
released me and crawled up to lie down next to me.

His Cheshire grin in full swing, Jase began, "So...I take it the place is
broken in now, hehe."

I had to struggle to keep my eyes open as I faced him. "Jase...that
was...holy...shit." Jase chuckled at me and lay back a little. I started to
move as I wanted to return the favor...the wonderful, mind and body blowing
favor...but he planted a hand on my chest. "Hey it's ok, you're exhausted."

"Jase..."

His gaze dropped slightly and his eyes faded away as he began to close them.
"Just kiss me babe..."

That didn't take much convincing...it wasn't hurried at all...he just leaned
in slowly and brushed my lips lightly. I closed my eyes and fell into it...I
roamed around his lips slowly, but with a bit of force to reinforce the
sensation. My hands started on his ears and hair as they worked downward,
lingering at several points along the way. I could feel on of his hands on
my cheek...the bed was moving slightly as he stroked himself. As I faced
him, I let one hand come to rest on his nipple while the other wandered
further down. I found his cock and after rubbing it lightly, I continued
further down until I hit his balls. I cupped them in my hand and started to
fondle them gently, eliciting moans from Jase...I could feel his lips
arching upward with a smile as we kissed.

Jase took a few free breaths as I continued to stimulate him.
"Ahhh...Chris..." His breathing picked up and, not wanting to suffocate him,
I moved my head down and started to kiss his neck. Jase was tensing all
over...the skin I was kissing would be soft one moment and then harden up as
his muscles contracted. More moans escaped his lips until suddenly he moved
onto his back...a few louder groans came out as he shot over his chest and
stomach. Jase lay there for a few minutes, just catching his breath. As I
was little livelier than him at that moment, I got up and grabbed a hand
towel from the drawer where Jase had put them away. I hopped back on the bed
and, as gently as I could, wiped him up as he continued to breathe, a little
slower than before.

"How ya doin' Jase?" I couldn't help but grin as I watched his chest rise
and fall...all the contours and lines of his form being accentuated by the
motion.

"Mmmm...I'm doing great..." His eyes were still closed, but I guess he could
feel my proximity...he reached out and wrapped an arm around my waist as he
positioned himself and me in a facing embrace. Jase opened his eyes
slowly...I smiled as I saw his blues twinkle a little as they hit the light.
"I love you."

"I love you too." I glanced over at the clock on my dresser...it was already
10 p.m. "So, feel like staying here tonight?"

"Mmm...sounds good to me. Wow...first night in your new place, huh?"

"Yeah...feels good...especially with you here."

"Hey, where else would I be?"

****

The rest of the weekend was great and it just flew by. I spent most of it
just getting situated and hanging out with Jase. He was starting his
internship that week...Houghton Mifflin...I asked him to score me some free
textbooks, hehe. It was a good opportunity for him and he would be making
some money along the way, but the remainder of the month before my classes
started were looking a bit bleak without him there all the time. He spent
Sunday night at home, but it looked like he would camp out with me more
often since Cambridge was closer to where he worked. Jase also said that his
parents were fine with him being away from home a bit more since his
siblings would be home for the summer anyway and that it would likely get a
little more crowded at home...personally I was thinking about just asking
Jase to move in completely, but I knew he wanted to preserve his
independence a bit...he also stated that if he lived there, he'd be
"mooching" off of me too much. Oh well, I didn't care as long as he was
around a lot. It was just a good thing that the apartment was relatively
spacious given the number of people we were likely to have passing through
all the time.

Jase's first day of work was going to be long because he had to do some new
hire stuff, so I took advantage of the free time to go see Dr. Marks. I
called her office in the morning to see if there were any openings...luckily
there had been a cancellation, so there was a 30 minute slot. I didn't
really expect it to take too long, so I took it. I trekked down to her
office in Boston...the appointment was at 11 a.m., so I packed a small
sketch pad and my CD player so I could wander around a little afterward and
maybe grab some lunch.

My arrival was uncharacteristically early...ok, it was only 5 minutes early,
but still, that was a feat for me. I greeted the receptionist and as I was
about to sit down, Dr. Marks came into the room, shuffling a few papers and
folders. She was a very lively young woman...right around 30 at the time,
apparently half-Chinese and half-British from Hong Kong. She spoke with this
wonderfully light accent that just made her sound sophisticated...but her
demeanor and tone were always warm and comfortable.

"Diane," she said to her receptionist, "could you file these back? Thanks."
Dr. Marks then turned to me as I stood back up. "Chris!"

"Hi Juliana." We had a brief hug and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. She
then stepped back, held me at the shoulders and looked me over.

"My, you've grown up! Looks like your mother was right about you cooking for
yourself. Hey, want a job cooking for my family? Haha."

"Heh, I feed too many people on a regular basis already...but I'll remember
to bring by some of those cookies I made last time."

"Oooo...that'd be great...and this time, I'm keeping them to myself. I made
the mistake of leaving them out here and all my patients ate them. Well,
now," she directed me towards her office, "let's have a chat, ok?" We sat
down in some nice cushy chairs...I didn't feel the need for the full red
couch treatment. She put on her glasses and opened a small notebook...it was
the same one she had always written in with me. "So...how's everything in
general?"

"Everything is just great right now." It had taken me a little while to get
comfortable with her all those years before, but by then, it was very
natural. I didn't feel like I had to hide anything around her...not that I
could...she was pretty good at what she did.

"Good, well tell me, what's going on in your life?"

I filled her in...she already knew I was gay and every once in a while, she
suggested that I tell my family...she knew them too, so I guess she felt
that they wouldn't overreact or anything, but I tended to ignore that
suggestion. I told her about Jase...I received many smiles and giggles from
her over that subject...my attending summer school and just overall how I
was feeling much better about everything.

"Chris, this all sounds great...now when you called me before, you said you
were having some relapses. Have those gone away or do they still happen?"

"Well...I think I haven't had any really bad feelings or any of the more
vivid experiences for a few weeks now. I guess a lot of it went away right
after I started to talk to Jase and Justin about it."

"So are you and Justin still really close? I can still remember that one
time he came here with you," she recalled.

"Haha, yeah...we're still like this," I said as I crossed my fingers in
gesture. "Though recently he's gotten a girlfriend...one I actually like."

"Well that's good. It's not too often that I meet young people who are as
close as you two...I hope both of you hold onto that. So are you feeling
more comfortable talking to him about any problems you might have?"

"Yeah...more now than ever. He's also been pretty good at picking up on
things over the years...and confronting me about them if I don't open up."

"Alright then...just remember it's important not to bottle up what you're
feeling. You have a bit of a higher risk of developing some things because
of what you've been through, so it's good that you have more people that you
feel like you can confide in. Oh and I promise I will only mention this once
this time, you should consider letting your family know about the things
going on in your life. I know your mom isn't around too much because she
works a lot and Daniel is off elsewhere now, but having your family at your
back is good for your self-confidence."

That was something I hadn't considered fully...I was still worrying about my
family not accepting me. I don't know why it hadn't occurred to me before
then...a lot of the hard work I did for school was to be on par with them.
It's a bit hard with my mother and brother and the alphabet soup after their
names on their business cards.

"Ok...I'll try."

"Chris, they want to be part of your life...they're proud of you."

"I know...I'll try to find some time to talk to them." It wasn't exactly an
easy task given how busy they both were...and how geographically undesirable
they were most of the time.

"Alright then. Well, I can't see any reason to tell you that you need help,
so I won't...haha. You're doing great, Chris. Just remember to always talk
about what's on your mind...you've got a great head on your shoulders, but
not everything is best solved yourself."

****

One thing Dr. Marks could always get me to do was think about something in
depth. Back when I saw her regularly, she would give me "assignments." They
were usually just things to think about or on occasion little habitual
things that she wanted me to develop...like the whole look in the mirror and
compliment thing. Early on she recognized that I had student-like tendencies
in my everyday life...so if she made it sound like an assignment, I usually
did it.

After I left Dr. Marks's office, I started walking around downtown Boston in
a bit of a daze. In retrospect, walking around Boston with headphones on
while mildly distracted was not the smartest thing...I was lucky I didn't
get run over with how much I jaywalked. I wasn't quite sure why I was so
frazzled...every time the subject of me coming out to my family came up, I
brushed it aside with relative ease. It seemed that Juliana had finally
found the right way to phrase the suggestion to get me to think about it
seriously...I was seriously trying to figure out if my not telling them was
bothering me deeply. It was a little hard to tell since things had been so
hectic, but some more down time was coming up before I had to start classes,
so I figured that I would let the idea sit a while to see if it stirred.

I reached under my glasses to rub my eyes...it felt like while I was
wandering and thinking, I had hardly blinked. The soreness in my eyes
alleviated, I took a look around...I had somehow ended up near the big
Borders store in downtown. I looked to my feet and surely enough, it looked
as though I had been following the Freedom Trail of all things...I guess I
was following some form of guidance after all, whether it was completely
conscious or not. At least I hadn't wandered into South Boston...or in front
of a truck.

Almost instinctively, I pulled off one headphone and reached for my cell to
call Jase. I was getting a little hungry and wanted to see if he was up for
lunch...and I just wanted to hear his voice. As I flipped open my phone, I
stopped...he had told me that he was having lunch at work for his first day
stuff and he probably wouldn't be too accessible by phone for the
day...damn. I felt an itch to just talk to someone, but I didn't really want
to disturb anyone about whatever problem I had at the moment...at least not
that minute. Sheathing my phone, I raised my head and continued my trek. I
breathed in deeply, hoping the breezy air would clear up my mind.

*****