Date: Tue, 2 Aug 2005 19:19:59 -0700 (PDT)
From: D One <doned88@yahoo.com>
Subject: Going Back

Shawn drove past the house where he grew up. It didn't look any different
and the long back yard still looked as big when he pushed the lawnmower
across it years ago.

Another kid, wearing cutoffs and nothing else was doing just that so he
slowed the car down not so much to look at the cute teenager but to get a
feeling he was looking at himself years ago. So young, thin and hairless.

Bikes with friends would go by and the riders would yell out and he'd
wave back. Eventually those bikes would become cars and the drivers or
passengers would drive by yelling or even mooning him. And he'd wave.

The yard seemed so long though it only took him two hours to cut the
grass and be on his way to wherever he went back then.

He always wanted his parents to put in a pool, but they just laughed and
suggested he pay for it.

Shawn drove on past wanting to look back, to beep his horn and yell just
to see if the decade later version of himself would stop pushing the
mower and wave then wipe his bro and perhaps his wet armpits before
resuming the chore at hand. But then Shawn knew he didn't want to, he
didn't want to be back on that lawn, skinny, sun burned and wishing he
were somewhere else. He was somewhere else for many years now.

The drive to his old high school wasn't far. Of course those years when
he walked, it seemed like miles especially when he carried his backpack
full of books, his gym bag with dirty jockstrap and shorts and the
trombone case.

Shawn past by the Carl's Jr. which wasn't there when he was a boy. Then
it was another coffee shop of some kind and where the kids would all go
to hang out. He wasn't allowed to. His mother was waiting at home for him
and if he were late she'd give him a questioning that rivaled suspected
murderers.

It never occured to him then that he could just say he hung out with
friends playing. She'd probably say that was ok. Or that he could call
ahead and ask permission to do that. He only knew he was due home exactly
at four fifteen and not a minute later.

There was a reason of course. She had to go to work at five. And with all
the crime going on, kids being grabbed, kids getting into their own kind
of trouble, drive by shootings from gangs across town and whatever adults
imagined or knew, his parents wanted to know where he was all the time.

"What were you doing in there so long? Harry speak to your son will you?"
his mother would even scrutinize his activities at home. And his father
never did speak to him. What he knew about sex came naturally or by
putting little bits of information he got form televison, his peers or
those adult magazines the kids passed around in the boys room at school.

He was gay. There was no question about that in his mind.  He knew it
when he jacked off at 13 thinking about the Olympic gymnasts he saw on
TV. He knew it when he fingered his butt in the shower while wishing he
were in the school gym shower with the other naked boys at that time. And
he knew it when he saw Mr. Blythe the handsome math teacher and assistant
coach of the wrestling team.

That was why he joined the team. Then Shawn realized he would feel the
bodies of his classmates without anyone questioning his actions. He could
put his hands in their crotches, feel their buttocks and even better they
would do the same to him. Practice was scary at first as he feared his
erections would be noticed. But he saw other boys had them too and nobody
said anything.

The showers after practice weren't hurried as they were in gym class.
Guys wrestled naked, flicked towels and made fun of each other's boners.
And now and then two or three would move to a corner and jack off.

But Shawn was not one of them. It was too scary. Maybe they were just being
horny teenagers and nobody would think any ill of them for doing it.  But
he was different and Shawn knew that if he participated somehow everyone
would know he was queer.

He dated a girl who was a friend. They never made out but went to
parties, movies and even double dates now and then. Connie didn't seem to
mind the most they ever did was hold hands. She enjoyed the endless
conversations they had about movies, and stars and school. And that
seemed ok with her as it was with Shawn.

Connie was married now, with two kids already. Shawn and she kept in
touch thanks to the internet. And she knew what few from his high school
knew. What made Connie special was that she never said "she knew all the
time". But by not saying it, Shawn knew that she did indeed know or
suspect and he loved her for that and for not saying it.

He sighed, the school building was ahead. It was summer so there was no
activity there. He parked where he dared not to many years ago, in the
spot closest to the gym. He laughed as he got out realizing he had parked
in his favorite math teacher's spot.

"Hi, just in town, used to go here and I just wanted to you know wander
around" Shawn said to the man pushing the mop. "it's ok, isn't it?" he
was friendly yet forceful the way he had learned to go where he wanted
to and do what he wanted to over the years.

"Oh yea sure, just don't steal any chalk" the man said chuckling.

The hallways were empty of course. The lockers were all clean, scrubbed
of the year long collection of grafitti. The classroom doors were locked
but Shawn could look in the windows and see the same type of desks he had
sat in years ago.

"Shanie's got a boner" Mark yelled out one day in math class. It was true
of course. Shawn like most of the kids had spread their legs out during
the hot afternoon math class. Even though it was taught by his favoriate
teacher, it was boring.

Yet somewhere in his bored mind, Shawn had fantasized about Blythe in his
gym shorts, his hair chest and thick thighs and Shawn in his jockstrap
ready to start wrestling the man rubbing his body all over his desired
object.

"Well as least he's got one" Blythe answered back and the class laughed
at Mark's blushed reaction rather then looking to see Shawn's boner.

He sat up and tucked it between his jeans and laughed with the other kids.
His admiration for Blythe grew as big as his cock. And the wink he got from
his favorite teacher kept his fantasies alive.

Mark didn't pick on him again even though there were indeed moments when
Shawn's jeans stretch to accomodate additional erections spurred on by
his fantasies about Mr. Blythe.

The old math room was there. A different teacher's name was on the plate
outside. A Miss Craddle or something like that.

Over the years Shawn had wondered where Blythe was. Someone told him he
had become Asst. Principal but Shawn resisted coming back to check it
out..until now.

Kevin had told him to go. For some reason Shawn had the urge to do that
and wanted Kevin to come with him. But his boyfriend had to work, he said
and told him to go alone. "It'll be better anyway, that way you'll feel
like your still a teenager there".

Kevin was a little older but a whole lot wiser. And that wasn't the first
time Shawn realized it.

He did indeed feel like the teenager he was at this school, more and more
as he walked down the hall towards the gym.

The door was locked of course. But the door to the locker room was open.
Shawn went in and passed the door to the coach's office.

"uh Coach, got a minute?" he asked as he stuck his head in. Shawn wore
only his gym shorts deciding to see Coach Blythe before he had gone to
the showers that day.

"yea Mac, come on in" Blythe always called him Mac as in MacPhearson,
Shawn's last name.

"uh I got a weird cramp" Shawn said limping just a little. He didn't know
what made him do that. He had two weeks to graduation and needed to be
close to Blythe before the man would no longer be part of his life.

"really, here?" The coach touched his bare leg. It wasn't the first time
Shawn had been touched by the man...and the same was true of all the guys
of course. Playful wrestling, demonstrations of holds, each time was
treasured in Shawn's mind. But that time they were alone.

Shawn had removed his jockstrap and started to go to the shower but
instead slipped his gym shorts back on and decided to do it, or do
something he wasn't sure which.

"sit up here, it is a bit tight" Shawn sat on the famed massage table.
But few had ever talked about being on that table let alone massaged by
one of the grown males who coached the various teams. But Shawn had
fantasized about it as he suspected others had too.

"Ok just close your eyes and try to relax" Blythe said. His fingers and
hands moved over Shawn's thigh in circular motions. His hands moved from
his knee further and further up his thigh.

"oh shit" Shawn said. He felt his cock growing. The decision not to wear
his jockstrap was a bad one he knew.

"dont' worry about it" Blythe said as he kept massaging. "there that feels
like your thich has relaxed"

"yea, uh thanks, uh sorry about" Shawn started. There was no hiding his
erection now. The tent in his gym shorts was unmistakable.

Blythe laughed. "hell I'd be worried if you didn't get hard. If you
didn't I'd figure I wasn't doing it right. When you're relaxed you can
leave." he said stopping at the desk and picking up a box of kleenix.

"here" he said and winked again before leaving Shawn there alone and hard
in his office.

Shawn didn't use the kleenix. His cock seemed to droop as soon as Blythe
left the office and Shawn could return to the locker room for a shower
and dress for the rest of his classes.

The locker room smelled like a locker room. Shawn stopped and inhaled it.
The affect on his crotch was not unexpected. He moved up one row of
benches and down another. Pornography films about locker room sex he had
seen over the years flashed images through his mind. His cock got harder.

Sitting on one bench, Shawn decided to do what he wished he had done so
many years ago. His cock stuck out of his pants and his hand rubbed.

"You want to stick around a bit after everyone's gone?" Bobby Ardus asked
him one day. They were juniors. Bobby like him seemed embarassed by the
showers but never hesitated to be next to him inthe locker room and
waited to go to the showers with him each day.

"uh no, got to get home, my mother waits for me like a guard dog" Shawn
replied automatically. And that day as he walked home, he realized that
if he had stayed Bobby would be sharing a hot mutual masturbation session
with him or even more. He was pissed at his Mother when she got home and
wouldn't talk to her. She went to work as usual and Shawn stripped naked
on his bed and thought of what might have occurred.

"Hey, Shawn MacPherason!" the voice was unmistakeable.

"Coach Blythe, I heard you were still here" Shawn stood and shook the
mans hands. He looked the same way as he had years ago. His bare chest
was hair and his thighs were tanned. Shawn wondered why he was here on a
summer day during vacation, perhaps he was working out or something.

"And you look the same Mac" Blythe smiled and his eyes looked at Shawn's
hard cock still sticking out of his pants fly.

"Oh sorry coach was just thinking about well you know" Shawn said and he
put his hand back on his cock.

"Hell man that's ok, in fact now that you're not a student here, it's
better than ok" Blythe said as he pulled his shorts off. His cock was
curved and half hard too. His thick pubic hair glistened with his sweat
and his ball sac hung low.

"Come on, strip down and let's get a shower" Blythe said. Shawn did as he
was told just like the old days when he followed every instruction his
beloved wrestling coach gave him. Naked now he followed the round
buttocks to the shower room and turned on the spray.

Shawn remembering what the boys had done years ago, turned on several
showers very hot so the steam started to fill the group shower. Then he
moved to the back where nobody would know what was going on.

"Ah feels good huh?" Blythe said "I know what you guys used to do in here
after practice. Ok not you but most of them. Why didn't you join them
Mac"

Blythes hands spread soap over Shawn's shoulders and down his sides.

"uh I didn't want them to know I guess" Shawn admitted. He gasped as the
mans hands now moved to his chest and stomach. His cock was oozing precum
already and it felt good.

Shawn reached to get some and put it in his mouth. He lvoed the taste of
precum, so did Kevin. The shower had washed it away though.

"You should have joined them, but then we wouldn't have this time
together would we?" Blythe said. "you know I had hoped you asked me to
help you that day you came into my office, remember that day?"

Shawn sighed, "yes Coach, I think that's why I came, uh but I was young I
guess"

He felt the mans chest press against his back. The thick arms pressed
over his as they closed in tighter.

The boys in his freshman gym class used to openly admired Blythe when he
did pushups. His thick arms flexed and all the kids wished their own
skinny adolescent arms were as thick.

"Now just relax and let me take charge" Blythe's lips whispered in
Shawn's years. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the sound of the
showers and Blythes arms around him and his fingers that had wrapped
around Shawn's stiff cock.

"Boys the only way we're going to win matches is if you do exactly what I
say. Don't ask questions, dont' argue, don't even think about it, just
let me take charge!" Blythe had told them. Any self consciousness the
horny boys felt as they grabbed each other, writhed over each other or
stretched their young muscles and minds were gone.

Blythe barked orders and they moved. Blythe instruced and they learned.
Blythe ignored their erections and kept them wrestling and they obeyed.
And sure enough most of them did learn and became better and better
wrestlers.

Shawn wondered if the other boys felt the thrills he flet pressed against
the chests and bodies of each other. If being held down turned them on as
it did Shawn. Or if pushing and pulling muscles against muscles sent
charges of excitement through their bodies as it did his. He knew some of
the guys got erections, that as unmistakable. And he ignored his own
obvious enlargement when it happened.

And the victories came. The team actually won matches and the school came
in second in the county finals.

"See men? All you have to do is listen and learn" Blythe said to them s
they stood wearing the ribbons and medals that day.

Stripped to the waist they wore the ribbons for the yearbook photo. That
photo remained on Shawn's home office wall. The day before he left to
come Shawn looked closely at the photo once again, trying to figure out
which bulge was real, fake or imagined. He knew his was real and hoped
Blythes was too.

"Ok take a deep breath" Blythe said in his year and Shawn felt his stomch
mucles harden and his body release the fluids that were witing to escape.
Stream afer stream shot against the shower room wall.

"There, that was long over due" Blythe said.

"Thanks Coach" Shawn said. But there was no answer. He turned his naked
and wet body around. The shower room full of steam and nothing else and
nobody else except him.

Shawn panted as he caught his breath and began to turn off each shower.
He should have joined in he knew. Nobody would have cared. And Bobby
would have been glad.

He laughed at himself as he trotted from the room looking for something
he could use as a towel. There was only his calvins, so Shawn stood by
the unused locker and dried himself the best he could.

Dressed once again, Shawn put the wet calvins on the bench.

"Maybe Blythe will find them" he said not sure why he said it or what he
meant by it.

"Look the same?" the janitor asked as Shawn passed by.

"yea it's amazing. Hey do you know a man named Blythe, think he's a
principal or something" Shawn tried to sound nonchallant.

"naw don't know him. Robert Ardus was the principal, but he left after
this past year"

Shawn stopped in his tracks.

"they found out he was a homo and made him resign" the janitor continued
"but don't know a Blythe. Hell I've been here for years too"

"Uh thanks" Shawn said and walked to his car.

Shawn turned and looked at the school. Blythe wasn't there, but for Shawn
he was.

"Bobby Ardus a principal?" Shawn muttered and laughed as he got back in his
car and drove to the motel. He'd fly home and go to where he belonged.
Maybe Kevin would hold him in the shower and...well that's private.