Date: Thu, 27 Jun 2002 11:32:19 -0400
From: Stabbing Westward Junkie <youarenotyourf_ckingkhakis@hotmail.com>
Subject: Gothic Transfixion - Chapter Three

[ Before I start this chapter, I'd like to thank all the people that took
the time out of their lives to e-mail me with regards to the other chapters.
Special thanks to Kip. Unfortunately, this chapter's got nothing sexual in
it either.. I'm sorry! The next one will for SURE, so never fear. - winks -
I'm just a sucker for character development. Hope you like this chapter..
it's all about the heart. ]


"Textbooks to page 66, please."

I sigh soundlessly as the teacher, Mr. Koffmann, drones out this
devastatingly tedious command, and reluctantly open my textbook to the
required page. I stare malevolently at the book: I hate this damn thing.
It's heavy, ugly in its rotten pumpkin colour, and even worse with its
'engaging' picture on the front that is supposed to get me instantly
interested in the wild world of Law. I've managed to spruce it up a little
and redeem its sorry ass somewhat, however. All over the inside covers is
scrawled song lyrics and evil pictures; my favorite one being a sketch of
Johnny from the comic book Squee! with the song "When You're Evil" by
Voltaire done in dripping bloody letters all around him.

The page we're looking at now is some psychobabble about Russian government,
or the lack thereof. I instantly feel my mind turn to mush as I stare at the
bland, boring text, and so I lift my gaze to look around as the teacher
reads the required passage to us. Everyone has their heads bowed over their
books; a few people in the back have their books propped up on their desks
and are sleeping behind the convenient curtain the books provide. But I
can't do this as I sit fairly close to the front, and for some reason, Mr.
Koffmann likes to pick on me when I'm paying the least amount of attention.

I keep looking, and my gaze is, as always, dragged to Josh. He is sitting
motionlessly at his desk, leaning against the back of his chair with his
legs sprawled out as comfortably as he can get them under the tiny,
confining table legs. I sigh again while I surreptitiously watch him,
staring with an aching heart at the profile of his face, my gaze falling
like longing rain down the smooth perfection of his skin, the sensual satin
of his lips, the absolute flawless beauty of his features. I can feel my
teeth sink painfully into my bottom lip as I linger on his eyes, watching
the way the luminous green gaze follows the words in his textbook along with
the teacher, seeing the way the emerald colour interacts and dances with the
obsidian fringe of his eyelashes, creating a riot of black and bright green
that does nothing but inspire feelings of complete humility and desire in my
heart.

He has barely spoken to me since that day in his car; if he does speak, it's
only to answer the tremulous questions I pose him, or to say "hi" or "bye"
respectively. When we find ourselves alone, he is always silent, never looks
at me, and as soon as he can either get away or find someone to talk to, he
pursues it with straining eagerness. So I've stopped showing up at lunch,
and even though Madison looks hurt every time she asks me why, I can't bring
myself to go or tell her. It's only been two that I've missed, anyway... the
whole mishap happened on Monday.

Law class has become hell since Josh sits in front of me, I can't help but
look at him as I'm doing now, and he seems to get even more beautiful and
sexy with every passing moment. It's a strange kind of torture, but I
deserve it.. I obviously made him feel horrible. I should feel thankful he
hasn't beaten the shit out of me or told everyone what I'd done. But I can't
help but feel that maybe those other two alternatives would be much better
than this.. this horrible silence and jagged awkwardness that makes being
around him so much harder than usual. I'd rather him scream at me and punch
me senseless instead of avoiding me and not letting me know how much I'd
embarrassed him.

As the teacher reads, he lifts those poetic hands of his and slowly pulls
them through his hair, a look of complete boredom suffusing his features. I
watch as his hair trickles through his fingers and I instantly feel jealous:
why can't they be my hands? The soft walnut and caramel strands fall back
onto his shoulders with a spice-scented decent that wafts back to me almost
instantly, and I breathe it in greedily, my eyes drifting closed as I do so,
telling myself that I have now captured a piece of him, and if I breathe
deeply enough, I will trap it in my lungs forever, and his essence will ride
through my blood, take me over completely. And in this sense, I will never
lose him. He will be mine forever.

"So now you know how the State Duma's powers can influence what the
President does in the Kremlin."

I blink; Mr. Koffmann's voice has interrupted my reverie and makes me lose
my train of thought. I open my eyes unwillingly as I feel the previous
emotion leave me, and instantly find myself under the emerald-eyed
inspection of Josh. I don't know how long he has been watching me, but as
our gazes fasten, I can feel my cheeks instantaneously redden with the
thought that he might have seen me staring at him. He looks away quickly, a
strange look upon his face, one that I cannot place but makes me cringe
inwardly. His hair slips off his shoulder as he moves, and it falls to
caress his cheek, hiding him from my ashamed eyes. He does not bother to
move it, his head bowing further as he sits up, his arms resting on the desk
and his head resting upon them.

"Christ," I whisper, feeling pointless but overpowering rage tumult its
shrieking fury throughout my body. 'Fucking stupid, Silver." I tell myself,
angrily stabbing at my textbook with my pen, my teeth clenching. 'He hates
you, you asshole. And now he's caught you staring at him like a goddamned
stalker.' Despair shakes my heart: Oh, how I WISH I could just let him go! I
wish I could forget him, I wish I could stop my heart from bleeding whenever
I see him, I wish I could stop wanting to fuck him til he passes out, I wish
I didn't have to resort to jacking off in the shower when the hot water
sears across my skin like long fingernails painted purple. I wish I didn't
have an unstoppable hard-on whenever I am I around him, and I fucking wish
that whatever evil force has put me in his path would have some pity and
take me away, or reverse time and let me go a different way.

"Now. I want you to pair up and discuss what we have just read, and come up
with a few points concerning how the United States government differentiates
from the Russian one, and why the United States system has worked better and
for longer, even though the Russian system is based solely, if not copied in
places, from the American one."

I stare at Mr. Koffmann's enthusiastic face with something akin to utter
disgust filling my eyes; I fight the urge to get up and walk out. I sigh
softly. Pair up? Isn't this shit for ELEMENTARY school? Does anyone care
about this boring stuff anyway? I watch as the students around me groan
quietly and stir in their seats rustily, looking to each other warily, some
exchanging weary glances and rolling their eyes. No, it is quite obvious
that I'm not the only uninterested person in here. Mr. Koffmann holds up his
hands, and gazes at us critically for a moment.

"Wait. I will pair you up, because I know teenagers: friends will use it as
an excuse to talk about other friends and we'll never get anything done."

The groans get louder, and I see Josh shake his head slowly, his fingers
clenching where they have come to rest in his hair. Mr. Koffmann begins to
walk around, pointing at people and pairing them up. I wait silently, part
of me dreading like hell that I'll somehow end up with Josh, but the
obsessed slut in me praying to God that I will.

"Joshua.. you're with.." Mr. Koffmann says slowly, looking around as he
stands by Josh's desk, lingering upon blank faces. I see Josh wince slightly
as his full name is used: he hates it. He never explained why. Just another
reason to hate this teacher, I think to myself, waiting. I watch as Mr.
Koffmann's indistinguishable eyes lock upon me for a moment, and half my
heart surges, pleading silently with him to say my name. But his eyes fall
away from me and move onto the next row, and I sigh inaudibly. Josh doesn't
move or look up at the teacher, seemingly to have resigned himself to his
fate, not caring what it is.

"Cassie..?" Mr. Koffmann says questioningly, musing to himself. "No, no. I
want you with Devon.. you'll keep his attention in check." The class
titters, and I see Josh grin slightly.

"Silver." I look up wildly, fear and desire making my body feel tense and
empty at the same time.

Mr. Koffmann watches me a moment, and nods decisively.

"Go sit with Joshua and get started, please. Page 78."

I nod mutely after a moment's silent staring, and pick up my notebook. I
approach Josh's desk slowly, feeling nauseous as I see him look up at me for
a moment, then glance away, shifting his desk slightly to attach to the one
beside it so we can share textbooks.

"Thanks," I mutter to him: my first communication with him in a week!

"No problem," he says quietly in return, not looking at me as he flips
through his textbook to get to the instructed page.

I hear the murmuring of people around me as they start discussing the work
as I slip into the desk beside him, and so I look intently to the opened
page, skimming across the words quickly, beginning to jot down some of the
basics. He leans towards the book and begins to write as well, his graceful,
slender letters pouring out onto the pristine paper as he goes, the ink
glittering like liquid shadow. We are almost touching; the desks are very
small and compact, so they don't leave much room for space. I can feel his
presence painfully: am aware of every breath he takes, of how his hair
catches the light and reflects it with stunning perfection, and how his eyes
move over the page.

"Were you listening to that shit at all?"

He murmurs this suddenly, still intent upon his writing, his voice pitched
low so the teacher doesn't hear him. I shake my head after a moment; aware
of stupid I must have looked when he saw me with my eyes closed.

"No," I say softly. "Too damn boring." And been staring at your beautiful
face for the whole lesson...

He grins a lopsided smile and laughs gently. Do I even need to explain how
that sound affects me, especially now, when I have been expecting him to
ignore me like the plague? My pen shakes as my hand freezes, and I can feel
my heart relax slowly, like a rope loosening around a tender place. I go to
sneak a hopeful glance at him for a second, but am kept there as I find him
looking back at me. Again, that unreadable, odd expression is on his face,
but I can't look away. He smiles slightly after a moment, and quickly looks
back down to his notebook as Mr. Koffmann walks by and looks over our
shoulders.

"I know," he whispers softly, grinning wryly at the textbook as Mr. Koffmann
moves away. "This is precisely why I've managed to fail this class twice.
Russian politics.. God."

I grin too, waves of pure, undistilled relief flooding my senses as I see
him smile and speak easily. Maybe not so angry at me then..? Still need to
be careful.

"I can understand why. I'm probably going to fail with flying colours."

He is silent for a bit, and then stops in his writing to look up at me. It
is almost painful, his gaze. I wish that I didn't feel it so intensely, and
that it didn't demand my full attention..

"Me too. So we'll end up in this shithole again together."

I nod, trying not to think about wanting to keep taking this class over and
over and failing it every time just be around him..

"By the time we'll be out, we'll both be old men dribbling creamed spinach
down our chins babbling crazily about the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Ten
Minute Warning System.."

He laughs, nodding with a delighted grin. Then he falls quiet, his pen
moving again, his face growing suddenly subdued and serious. He is silent
for a while longer, then:

"So we'll grow old together. Not so bad." His voice is as gentle and sexual
as it ever is, but this time it seems unsure and unsteady, a thread of
wildly shaking emotion making it strange, unbelievable music in my ears.

"Time's up. Have a good night, I'll see you tomorrow. We'll finish this in
the first half of the next class."

I jump slightly as Mr. Koffmann's voice falls like shattered ice between us,
and look up at Josh wonderingly as he stands slowly, picking up his books
and rearranging them, readying to put them in his bag. I stand as well;
grabbing my books and walking grudgingly back to my desk, looking back to
him every few step. What did he mean by that? Am I just kidding myself? As
always? Dropping my books in my backpack and zipping it up, I sling it onto
my shoulders, pulling my hair out from under the straps as it gets caught. I
look back to Josh just in time to see him bend over slightly, shoving his
books into his bag.

I stare as he moves, watching how his leather pants slowly move, tightening
over his skin. His shirt moves up slightly, the navy blue silk sliding
smoothly across his skin and giving me a perfect view of his lightly tanned
lower back, not to mention his ass. 'Good God,' I think to myself dazedly as
I watch, the perfect firmness of his ass pressing against the tight black
material; the delicious roundness of it stirring unbidden thoughts in my
mind, making me want to run forward and slip my hands around his waist and
press my hips against those lovely cheeks..

My lips part slightly as I think this, my tongue slipping out to moisten my
lips, my whole body beginning to tremble. 'Why are you so sexy?' I silently
implore him, groaning inwardly as I feel my cock start to stiffen, insane
desire shuddering down my body and soaking into my erection, my eyes locked
upon his ass and slender hips. What would he do, I crazily ponder, if I
grabbed him, turned him around, and bent him backwards over his desk? If I
held him down, my fingernails digging into the underside of his wrists, and
pressed myself on top of him? If I pushed his head back and bit the soft
flesh of his throat as deeply as I could, sucking hard enough to leave a red
mark there for at least a couple days? If I thrust my cock against him, not
letting him move until I had my way with him? Until I screamed with an
orgasm strong enough to drive every last vestige of come out of my balls and
shot it all over his chest? Until he cried with the strength of his own,
sobbing my name incoherently as his legs tightened around mine?

"Are you okay?"

Fuck. I blink, and snap myself out of my daydream to find Josh has turned
around and is staring at me, his bag over his shoulders and his gaze
questioning. I nod jerkily and turn around, stepping out of the classroom as
quickly as I can, embarrassment and lust making me feel weak. I lean against
the wall beside the door and try to catch my breath, sinking down into a
crouch so that my violent hard-on isn't obvious to the people passing me by.
Christ. Had he seen that? I don't think so, because he'd seemed genuinely
concerned, but the fear shakes me through and through all the same. I can
feel my cock throb against my pants with a pressure that makes me moan,
images of his ass coming back again, making the muscles tighten in my chest
and my erection to take on a painful edge.

"Silver?"

I look up quickly. It's Josh, and he is frowning. He kneels down beside me
slowly, reaching out with one hand to touch my knee, where it rests gently.
I try to smile into his concerned gaze, and wonder how I should explain. But
words get the better of me as I look at him and watch the ever-changing
vista of his eyes. Embarrassment makes me look down again; if I stand up,
not only will Josh know what is 'wrong', but the whole school will too.
Erections in near to skin-tight pants are not the subtlest things.

"You don't seem okay," He says, his fingers lightly rubbing my knee, the
feel of it nearly driving me wild: I can feel the soft touch of his energy
sink into my skin and course down my leg, embedding itself in my groin where
it starts to do irreparable damage. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut for a
desperate moment and plead with my wayward body to stop reacting to him, and
for my mind not to bring back those images of him bending over. At least,
not for now. But his fingers keep rubbing insistently, and I curse silently.
This isn't going to work.. something's got to distract me..

"Yeah," I mutter, nodding and dropping my gaze with a forced half-smile.
"I'm fine. Just felt a little weird all of a sudden. I think I need to eat
something."

He is quiet, and my eyes snap shut again, trying to deal with his fingers
caressing my skin. I don't want him to stop because the chances of him
touching me are far to rare to pass up, but I can't seem to get my mind out
of the gutter..

"You sure? You looked like you'd seen a ghost."

He tightens his grip on my knee, and I can see out of my peripheral vision
that he is trying to attract my gaze, his head tilting to the side slightly
and his eyes dark and questioning. But I can't look up.. not when he's so
close. Not when actual physical pain is resulting from the hard-on in my
pants.

"I'm fine," I say, in what I hope is a confident, reassuring tone. "I just
need to get out of here."

There is silence for a little longer, and I see him look down. I thank my
lucky stars that my bag is in my lap.

"'Kay. Do you want a ride home?"

I shake my head; the last thing I want is to do is go in that car again. The
place where I officially Fucked Things Up between Josh and I.

"No," I whisper, without meaning to be so quiet. "I'll walk."

"What?" He asks, and leans closer. "Sorry.. I didn't catch that."

As he speaks, his hand slips forward a bit, his hand resting fully on my
lower thigh. His thumb keeps rubbing gently, and I can't keep the shiver
that runs through my whole body contained. I try to speak, but the words
have turned to ashes in my mouth; all my attention is riveted upon his hand,
watching how his purple fingernails slip across the material of my pants,
how the warmth of his skin soaks into mine, and how unbelievably sensual the
movements of his slender fingers are. He waits for me to answer, the silence
almost tangible in the air. Then:

"Josh, are you coming?"

We both look up at the same time to see Madison, waiting expectantly nearby.
She walks towards us, looking to me worriedly.

"You okay, Silver?"

I nod quickly, half-grateful for the distraction.

"Yeah," I say, smiling at her. "Just felt a little sick, I guess. I'm okay
now."

Josh's hand slowly slips from my leg, the movement a caress in itself as it
goes. I watch it leave, longing filling my heart with a wish to hold it
there with my own hand, to keep it against me forever. The sudden
interruption of Madison has managed to cool down my hard-on somewhat though,
and so I don't feel entirely disappointed. He stands slowly, and after a
moment I do too. Madison hugs us both, and then grins.

"You guys have anywhere to be right now?"

Josh and I glance at one another, then we both shake our heads.

"No," he says, grinning back at her. "Why?"

She claps her hands and giggles, taking both our arms and propelling us down
the emptying hallway.

"Good. Cause I've got water balloons. Ethan and I went out and bought them
at lunch. Care to play a game?"

Josh laughs, his eyes lighting up. "Excellent," he says in an evil tone, and
we're out the door, on the front lawn of the school, where I see our group
gathered, a bucket of water balloons at their feet.

They all smile and wave us over; Andrea gives me a hug and a smile. I return
the favour, and look to Madison expectantly. She winks at me, and then faces
us.

"Okay," she says, "Josh, Ethan, Andrea on one team, Silver, Jackie, Jen and
myself on another. And don't bitch about how we have one more than you; you
all know I can't throw worth shit."

We all laugh and nod, and take up our places, grabbing the slippery balloons
as we run. Then, chaos. I duck behind a tree as a red missile from Andrea's
hand comes whistling my way, and toss one of mine at Ethan, where it
explodes on his leg. I cheer madly and laugh as he charges at me, a playful
growl ripping from his throat.

"You bastard!" He exclaims with a grin, and then chases me halfway across
the lawn whereupon he corners me and smacks two of his balloons into my
chest, soaking me.

I wipe the water out of my eyes, laughing, but he is gone before I can
retaliate, defending Madison from Josh. I grin as I watch them; Josh
circling Madison while Ethan hovers in front of her menacingly, waving a
threatening balloon warningly. Madison cowers behind Ethan, giggling,
pleading with Josh to have mercy. Josh is shaking his head with a sweet
smile, tossing his balloon from one hand to the other, a devious look in his
green eyes.

"Nope," he says stridently, and then runs in for the kill.

Slipping behind Ethan's lunge, he throws the balloon at Madison, it
exploding on her shoulder and soaking her hair. She wails and laughs at the
same time, and Ethan manages to get in front of him, taking the three
balloons he has left and managing to soak Josh entirely as they hit him.
Josh laughs wildly, not bothering to wipe the hair out of his eyes as he
ducks and grabs another balloon, swinging it at Ethan. It hits Ethan square
in the face, blinding him momentarily, and Josh is off and away, streaking
across the lawn, his silk shirt clinging to him like a second skin. What a
sight to behold, I think wistfully.

"Silver!" Ethan gestures to me wildly as he sets off after Josh. "Come help
me get this fucker!"

I grin and run after him, both of us catching up with Josh as he runs out of
places to go. We both tackle him down, him shaking with laughter the whole
time, the musical sound filling the air with enchantment. We fall to the
ground with a thud, Ethan grabbing Josh's arms and pinning them to his sides
as we roll. I've got a hold of his chest, trying to stop him from shaking us
off as we come to a dizzying stop. We're all laughing madly, too tired to
move, and we lie there on the grass, Ethan hunched behind him, still holding
his arms, and me lying beside Josh. We're all fighting for breath, still
giggling, when Josh finds a new burst of energy and attempts to flip himself
away from us and into a standing position. Ethan grabs at his arms
unsuccessfully, pulled away by a sudden appearance of Madison who giggles
and explodes another balloon in his face.

I manage to stop Josh, however, by pinning his shoulders down and straddling
him. This all happens in an instant, fueled only by the instinct to stop him
from getting away. Before I realize what I've done, I'm sitting on Josh's
waist, my legs on either side of him, and my fingers tight upon his
shoulders. He stops moving and looks up at me with a grin, raising his arms
slightly in a gesture of supplication.

"You've got me," he says quietly, with a wink.

I can hear Ethan and the others still going at it, so I stay where I am,
assuming the game not over and not wanting him to get up for obvious
reasons. I grin back at him, and begin to remove my grip on his shoulders
when he tenses slightly, a touch of a smile curving the side of his sensual
lips.

"You might not want to do that," he says lightly, and my hands stop. "I
might get away and soak you completely."

I grin weakly, and tighten my grip on him again, staring down into his
brilliant eyes. My hair hangs in dripping strands around my face, water
streaking down my cheeks and falling onto his chest. I am silent for a
moment, simply watching him. He regards me in return, just as silently, his
eyes becoming the only thing that I can see. I feel him breathe under me,
the motion of his chest raising and dropping me slightly with every
inhalation. I can feel his muscles moving, and see the thudding of his heart
under the saturated navy-blue of his shirt. He does not blink as he returns
my gaze, and it seems as though the world has stopped. The sound of everyone
else has faded away, leaving me only with this green-eyed apparition below
me.

I could kiss you, I tell him mentally, unable to look away. My heart thumps
erratically, wild emotion making my hands and head feel weak. I could lean
down right now and claim those lips for my own, I could run my hands through
your wet hair and feel you arch your back under me as my hands start to undo
your shirt..

"It wouldn't be such a humiliation," I hear myself say, "It would be worse
for you cause I'd make you pay by drying me off."

He stares at me for a moment, his eyes widening slightly and the green
colour seeming to flare. But before I can start to feel the shame that
begins to creep up my spine, his hands lift off the ground and grip my
forearms slowly, his fingers gentle and almost hesitant.

"Dry you off.." he repeats this slowly, his fingers slipping under the
sleeves of my shirt, sliding across my skin slowly, electrifyingly.

I watch him disbelievingly, staring into his burning eyes, and nod
wordlessly, trying desperately not to moan as his hands move, my skin
begging to be touched and then burning like fire after he does so. It's now
or never, I can feel my mind scream, and I resign myself to its undeniable
will. Now or never. If he hates me, then I'll burn in hell later. I feel his
hands tighten around my arms and see his eyes start to slowly darken, the
colour deepening but not growing less intense. He begins to pull on my arms,
and I slowly follow his lead, my thoughts in a daze, my whole being
seemingly propelled by my swelling heart.

I keep leaning down towards him, our gazes locked burningly, neither of us
daring to breathe as he pulls me closer. This is it, I tell myself hazily.
I'm going to kiss him. And I think he wants me to. I move slowly closer and
closer, and when I'm about ten inches away from his face, his eyes drift
slowly closed, the dark fringe of his eyelashes coming to kiss upon his
cheeks lightly. I feel a shiver course through his chest, and his hands
clutch my arms even tighter as I keep closing the distance. I can feel tears
begin to sting my eyes: finally after so long, I've got him where I want
him, and it seems he wants to be here too. Disbelief assails my heart as I
fully realize what I am about to do, but I refuse to let myself stop what
I've dreamed about time and time again.

I can feel his breath on my face again, and as I feel it, I close my eyes as
well, my fingers slowly moving off his shoulders to slide up his neck and
take his head into my hands gently. He shivers helplessly again and
something like a strangled moan slips out between his lips as my fingers
slide onto his cheeks. Now. I lower my head, feeling the warmth from his
face touch my skin like sunlight, knowing without opening my eyes that I am
less than three inches away from his lips, and that his head is slowly
tilting up to meet mine. Then: laughter, and someone crashes into us.

I jerk in shock, and my eyes fly open at the same time as Josh's. We stare
at each other for a moment, and then look over to the wildly thrashing
bodies beside us. Ethan, Andrea and Madison are piled in a heap; Jackie and
Jen don't seem to be here anymore. They are all trying to hit each other
with the remaining water balloons, laughing madly and seemingly oblivious to
Josh and I, the girls pinning Ethan down. Madison falls against me as she is
shoved off, and I am forced to take my hands away from Josh's face to catch
her and keep my balance. Josh pulls his hands out from under my sleeves as I
move my arms, leaving my skin to feel scorched, stripped. Madison is
giggling, and she turns to look at me, breathless with laughter.

"Thanks," she gasps, and looks to Josh. "Gonna help us soak Ethan?"

I glance at Josh, not able to do so for long, for fear that my heart will
break. The joyful tears that had stung my eyes previously turn bitter,
threatening to disable me. He stares at his cousin mutely, his eyes looking
almost black suddenly; the lime swirling to an eerie dark forest green. She
sees this too, I know, because instantly her laughter dies and her face
grows trepidatious. They stare silently at each other, Ethan and Andrea
finally cluing in and ceasing their struggling, staring at us.

"Get off me." Josh says, directing this icy statement to me while still
holding Madison in his relentless gaze, his voice trembling and on the verge
of breaking.

Instantly I react, sliding off him and standing unsteadily, feeling hurt and
disgrace stabbing through my chest, blinding me for a moment as my vision
clouds with aqueous cold borne of regret and anguish. As soon as I stand, he
stands as well, knocking Madison's hand away as she attempts to grab his
arm. Without a word, he starts to walk swiftly away towards the parking lot,
heading for his car. Madison stands slowly, staring stunned after Josh, pain
crossing her dark eyes.

"What the hell did I do..?" She asks tremulously, folding her arms over her
chest.

Andrea and Ethan stand and follow him with their eyes, having no answer for
her. I stand apart from them as always, watching with a crumbling heart as
he gets in his car and slams the door with a force that makes us all jump.
Not looking back at us once, he starts it and slams it into reverse, backing
out of his space quickly. Music floods loudly out of his open windows; I
recognize Stabbing Westward's "You Complete Me". The volume doesn't seem to
bother him as I can still hear it as he drives down the road and goes out of
sight.

The tears fall like liquid wax on my face, and I turn quickly. I hear
Madison call my name, but I can't face her or any of them in this state. I
start to run across the lawn, heading home with tears blurring my eyes,
Stabbing Westward filling my head like a vicious poison. I've never fully
been able to understand why they've touched and influenced my life so much
until now. They've loved and lost. They've loved to no avail. Somehow,
they've managed to touch and become the nerve of heart's angst, Christopher
Hall's voice becoming the epitome of all unrequited love.

'I am lost in the darkness
Between two worlds
And here I'm struggling
You're the light that I've been seeking
Because my whole life there's been something missing

Only you
Can make me whole
Just one touch
You complete me

Rescue me from this black hole
That's sucked me in
And left me dying
You're the truth that I've been seeking
Because my whole life I've been lying

Only you
Can make me whole
Just one touch
You complete me

God I pray
You find me worthy
Of the right to stand beside you
And I feel truth
And I feel passion
Of the right to sleep beside you

Only you
Can make me whole
Just one touch
You complete me

Just one touch..'

*	*	*	*

It's Friday. I'm in my room, it's about six o'clock: Josh is supposed to
pick me up at seven. But I seriously don't expect he's going to, and I
totally understand if he doesn't. I sigh softly as I play my guitar, feeling
more depressed than I think I've ever felt. Even worse than when my ex
decided he was straight and I found that out by finding him in MY bed with
one of my female friends. Madison dragged me to lunch today and so I had to
sit there the entire time and watch Josh; the both of us trading glances and
then looking hotly away when we find the other returning the glances. He
walked me to my class after lunch, but we didn't say much, the conversation
stumbling and uncomfortable. At least he and Madison don't seem to have
suffered from the tension on the lawn, so maybe one blessing came out of
this sordid mess.

The scene on the lawn has been running through my head non-stop. I can't
stop thinking about how he had pulled me closer to him, and how he'd
shivered and moaned as I'd leaned down to kiss him. Did he realize what I
had been planning on doing? And if so, what did it mean? This has been
bothering me for quite some time now, this ambiguous question of Josh's
preference between girls and guys. There are things that make me wildly
hope, like the lawn, or when he said way back that he didn't mind if I fell
on him, but then other things like his casual flirting with the girls he
hangs around with, and his total blindness to Ethan's quite blatant passes
at him make me lose hope. That's another reason I haven't been hanging
around them; I can't stand to see Ethan's adoring, crystal-blue eyes locked
on Josh every second of every minute, or see him touch Josh as often as he
can. You could argue that maybe this is because he reminds me much of
myself, but I still get pissed and jealous either way.

I'm playing his song. It always manages to sneak into the strings when I'm
not paying attention, and I'm singing the lyrics before I can stop myself,
and once I start singing that song, I can't stop, no matter how much I want
to. I'm playing it more softly than usual, the light, airy melodies dancing
mournfully around each other. As I start to sing, my eyes close, and I'm
taken to that place where my fingers make the music without any intervention
from my mind; my spirit taking over. My voice is passable; I've been told it
is pleasant, but too soft. I could never sing in a band.

I sigh as I begin to reach the chorus, the sigh brought about by a sudden
vision of his eyes. I can see them as I close my own, their deep emerald
pouring into me, the way they looked just before my hand had reached into
his hair in the car, before his eyes had closed at my touch on the lawn,
before I went and fucked things up just like I always do. I open my mouth to
sing again, when I'm interrupted by a voice.

"You're really good."

I jump slightly in surprise, my fingers falling away from the guitar,
cutting the melody short. I turn around quickly, about to snap at whomever
it is, thinking it one of my mother's insipid boyfriends, when I see Josh,
leaning against my door quietly, his hands behind his back. I didn't hear
the door open or close, so I don't know how long he's been standing there.
But all those thoughts get swept away as I take him in.

Josh dressed up. How to explain it? His hair has tiny braids threading
through it, the ends tied with silver bands that catch the light in a crazy
way. His shirt is black and fishnet, overlaid with a bright red silk shirt;
I can see the center of chest where it hangs open. I try not to stare, but I
can see some of his abs; they're taut and perfect, not too hard and formed.
His pants are the glorious PVC again, but this time decorated with silver
chain crisscrossing his waist, a glorious belt of steel that makes my
fingers feel like they've melted off.

I can't help it: "And you look GREAT.."

I blush and look down, but he laughs softly: God, it seems so long since I
last heard that beautiful sound! It's only been a couple of days.. but
still. He starts to walk slowly towards me, approaching my bed.

"Thanks, so do you.." he says quietly. I smile helplessly, still not able to
look up at him, though. I'm dressed not so impressively as him: simply clad
in a black, semi see-through shirt and the usual black pants.

"Your mom let me in.. I'm sorry I didn't knock, but I heard you playing and
didn't want to disrupt you. You play beautifully."

I shrug embarrassedly, my fingers nervously playing with the strings.

"No, not really. Just fucking around."

He sits slowly on the edge of the bed and regards me silently for a moment,
the burning intensity of his eyes seeming to burn twin holes in my head.

"Didn't sound like fucking around to me. Don't stop?"

I laugh nervously once more, not wanting to say anything for fear of pissing
him off, or driving him away again. I don't know why he's here, or why he's
so at ease all of sudden, but I don't want to fuck it up..

"It's honestly not that good..you'll hear better at the club."

He's quiet for a bit, and then the bed moves slightly as he moves a little
closer.

"Please?"

I breathe in deeply, and look up, straight into his eyes. He is watching me
silently, but this time does not look away like he has for the past little
while: he moves closer so that he is sitting beside me, drawing his legs up
under him and resting his arms on his lap.

"Okay," I sigh warningly. I can't say no. "But like I said, I'm not very
good. What would you like to hear?"

He chuckles softly, and I almost faint at the nearness of it, the pure
sexual beauty of it.

"I'll be the judge of that. And, what was that you were just playing, when I
walked in? It sounded very good.."

I flush deeply and have to duck my head as I carefully answer, my fingers
moving across the strings apprehensively.

"Something I wrote." His song, of course..

He grins delightedly; I can see this out of the corner of my eye. Oh, how
I've missed his gentle, mysterious presence!

"I'd like to hear that, then.. if that's okay. Does it have a name?"

I begin to play it softly, nodding slightly, not trusting myself to look at
him as I tell him the name of the song I've written for him; the song that I
play every night as I wish upon the stars outside my window to make his
heart mine.

"Yes. It's called 'Chartreuse Desire'." Chartreuse, if you haven't guessed
already, is named after his eyes. Desire I think is self-explanatory.

He nods slowly after a moment, and I begin to play timidly, singing the
words softly.

"Something fearless, about your eyes...
Something careless, about your smile...
Something fragile when you hold your breath...
And when you move; you move right through me...

Fingertips travelling across my skin
I can feel you,
Feel the flood begin...

Fingertips travelling across my skin
I need you
Feel the dance begin...

Something dangerous, about your ways
Something beautiful, about your hands
Something endless when you dance
And when you look at me, you look right through me..."

He sits quietly, not moving, through the whole song, and as it dwindles to a
slow, meandering stop, I manage to look up at him. He is staring at the
guitar, watching my fingers move across the frets. The look on his face is
somewhat hidden by the angle his head is tilted to, but the aura of him is
very still and almost.. humble?

"That... was beautiful, Silver..."

His voice is very quiet but at the same time very loud, filling my head with
endless echoes of it, making my body tense slightly. I shake my head,
flustered, and shrug, putting my guitar back in its case slowly. The blush
on my cheeks only annoys me, and therefore intensifies, and I curse
inwardly.

"Thanks...its subject is the reason it's any good."

Before he can say anything to that, however, a volley of honks on his car
horn outside floats through my half open window. Josh sighs slightly and
after a moment, stands.

"We'd better go... Madison's a little anxious to get dancing. Attract some
hot guys."

He grins as he says this, and I stand as well, stretching slightly. I giggle
as we leave my room, feeling much more at ease and curiously exhilarated now
that we're on talking basis again and that I've played my song for him, not
mattering that he didn't know it was for him.

"I'm sure she'll have no problem. And besides, you and Ethan are there, so
you'll both help reel in the guys, and you can pass yours off to Madison. At
least, that's what she tells me... when you two go out, you manage to
attract more in five minutes than she can the entire night!" I say this
lightly, but a slight thread of jealousy at the thought of other guys
hitting on Josh manages to weave its way in.

He laughs as we go down the stairs, and shrugs mischievously.

"Maybe I'll want the guys I attract! Deprive Madison of the pleasure."

I hold open the door for him as we leave, and as he passes me, I shake my
head slightly. Following him with wistful eyes, I sigh lightly, walking
behind him. We get to the car in time to see Madison get out of the
passenger's side. I stop in my tracks as I see her, my mouth falling open
slightly. She laughs in trilling delight as she sees my reaction, and runs
over to give me a giggling hug.

"Jesus, Madison... you look.... GREAT!" I sputter, hugging her carefully;
fearful I might end up spoiling her ensemble.

She giggles and grins, steps back and twirls in the driveway for us. She is
wearing a simple black dress that is quite short, and shows off her
fantastic legs beautifully. She has on a pair of those crazy high heels that
have long, long straps that wind up her legs, stopping just under her knees.
Her hair, normally bouncy and curly, lies straight around her face,
sparkling with some kind of glitter stuff, and she smells like a delicately
seasoned fruit desert. Josh grins at me and winks, applauding her.

"Doesn't she?" He asks, and goes to muss up her hair, resulting in a
plaintive wail and a pout from her. He laughs, and gets in the car.

I walk around with Madison and open the door for her, holding it as she
approaches. But she opens the back door instead and winks at me, whispering
softly.

"Favourites get in front," and with another wink, she gets in, slamming the
door behind her.

I blink, and stare at the air that she'd just occupied, wonderingly
pondering that remark. But then I feel a tug on the side of my pants and
look down to see Josh's smiling face.

"Getting in, or do we leave you here?"

I blink again and grin back, seating myself slowly; Madison's words echoing
through my head. But then the car starts, the music turns on, and we drive
away, leaving me nothing to do but sing along with them, watching Madison's
sparkling eyes upon mine in the rear-view mirror the whole way.

*	*	*	*

"So," Josh says, leaning close to me as the music thumps. "What do you
think? Does she need help?"

He's referring to Madison, grinningly pointing her out amongst the dancing
crowd. We're leaning against the bar, too young to drink, unfortunately, a
fact of lamentable concern to Josh. I laugh as I see her: surrounded with a
multitude of adorning guys, all of them trying to win her over with sexy
dance moves or promises of alcohol, even though she is under age. I hear her
laughter resound over the music as a handsome, dark-haired guy with flashing
eyes leans close to her and whispers something, and I grin as I look to
Josh.

"Nope, she seems to be just fine. Ethan does, too..."

He looks over with a wry smile as Ethan surges past us, his hands wrapped
around some guy's bare, slick torso, their foreheads touching and eyes
sparkling at one another as they move.

"Yeah, he's set for the night," he murmurs, stretching slightly and pushing
himself off the counter, looking around for a moment before looking back to
me. I watch as a couple of guys on the floor stare at Josh like they have
all night so far, waiting for him to leave the bar and dance. I wonder if he
is aware of them, but I think he probably is as his smile grows wry once
more, and his green eyes to flash.

"You see them too, huh? They're here every time I come; it's kind of eerie."

I nod and cast them a calculating gaze for a moment.

"You gonna go make their day and dance?" I look to my handsome friend
questioningly, wanting nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and look
smugly to those other guys, officially labeling Josh as 'off-limits' to
them. But then again, I kind of want to see him dance, see if he WILL dance
with them, and have my suspicions and desperate hopes confirmed.

He shrugs and lifts a hand to push it through his hair, his beautiful,
flawless features taking on a contemplative air as he stares at me. I return
the gaze only because, as always, I cannot look away when under the force of
those blazing green eyes.

"Depends," he says. "I don't want to leave you here, bored shitless..."

I shrug nonchalantly, and grin slightly.

"I'm sure I'll find someone. If not, I'll watch you guys make fools of
yourselves."

I wink at him as I say this last part, and his smile grows wide, his eyes
narrowing playfully as he reaches for my arm and yanks me forward.

"That's it. You're coming with me. I'm not letting you watch me make a fool
of myself. You're going to make one of yourself too, if I have to MAKE you."

"But I don't have anyone to dance with!" I protest half-sincerely, willingly
following Josh's lead out onto the floor.

He shrugs and looks back at me with a winning smile, his eyes looking
insanely cool under the swirling club lights.

"That's okay. You can dance with me if you want until you find someone. I'm
sure that won't take long."

A rage of joy explodes in my chest as he pulls me after him, searching for a
suitable place to dance. Dance! Josh pretty much asking me to dance with
him! I can't wipe the exhilarated grin off my face, but it really doesn't
seem to matter here, surrounded by all these dancing, beautiful people. I
can feel the music kicking in; like a drug making my head feel like it's
floating, and a slow energy of fire begins to build in my chest, spreading
outwards through my whole body until every limb is screaming at me to move,
the music seeming to pour itself into me. The crowd is crazily thick, but
Josh pulls us expertly through the people, seemingly oblivious to the
wondering, desiring gazes of men and women both shot his way.

Then I feel his fingers on my arm tighten, and he's looking over his
shoulder at me, his hair hanging in feather-soft strands across his face,
his smile tantalizingly erotic. I fight the burning urge to grab and kiss
him right then and there as he speaks, my heart soaring.

"Like the music?" He yells over the noise.

I nod with a wide grin, and he laughs, eyes shimmering with light enough to
rival the stars that I know are shining above us right now. Then I feel his
hand sliding down my arm to intercept mine, our fingers entwining slowly. I
have to stop moving as I feel this, his fingers sending shoots of energy
shivering up my arm. He stops moving as well and faces me slowly, his eyes
locking directly upon mine with the piercing clarity of a hawk. I look down
to our hands and slowly tighten my grip; entranced and mesmerized by the way
our hands look, holding each other's.

"Perfect," I think dreamily, simply staring and feeling Josh's incredible
warmth flood my skin. When Josh squeezes my hand and I look up into his
eyes, it is then with a rush of stabbing mortification that I realize I'd
spoken my thought aloud AND he'd heard me do so.

"Shit," I mutter angrily, and turn to leave, my fingers pulling away from
his. Obviously I can't seem to remember to keep my mouth shut. I suddenly
feel like willingly crawling into a meat grinder. 'You are such an IDIOT,
Silver...right after he starts talking to you again, you fuck it up by doing
the exact same shit that got you screwed in the first place!' I tell myself
bitterly, trying to get as far away from Josh as possible, cheeks burning an
insistent crimson. But a gentle yet firm hold on my hand refuses to let me
go anywhere, and I reluctantly look back.

He doesn't say anything but simply trains that undeniable gaze on me, and
begins to pull me closer. His hand reaches out to take my other hand, his
touch gentle and demanding nothing, but his eyes searing me with their
emerald oblivion. His expression is totally intense, and my hands grip his
tightly as he pulls me towards him, breath not daring to find my lungs, for
fear that if I do ANYTHING, I'll break this incredible spell somehow.

Hope fills my wildly beating heart as I stare at him. His left hand lets go
of my right one slowly, and begins to lift and encircle my waist when a loud
shout interrupts us.

"JOSH!!"

Our hands tear away from each other as if electrocuted, and I snap my
smoldering gaze to find a man approaching, waving happily to Josh. I see
Josh lift his hands to rake through his hair slowly, his expression anything
but welcoming. The intruder doesn't seem to notice Josh's black look,
however, coming up and slinging an arm around his shoulders.

"Hey, gorgeous!" The man shouts, grinning at Josh.

Then he looks to me and nods, smiling, his large, uneven features twisted
into a seemingly permanent expression of joviality. I smile half-heartedly
back.

"Hey, Eric," Josh says quietly, his gaze downcast.

Eric grins again and jerks a questioning thumb at me. "Your date?"

Josh and I look up instantly in surprise, exchanging startled expressions
for a moment before we look away again and before either of us can answer,
Eric continues, not bothering to wait.

"You remember Shelly and them?"

Josh nods, and Eric whoops.

"They're all here and want to say hi to ya. The new girls are practically
itchin' to meet ya!"

Again before Josh can answer, Eric is pulling him away. I watch them go
dejectedly, my hands shaking as I suddenly want to punch Eric in the face
for ruining what was possibly going to be the most incredible moment of my
life to date. Josh glances back, and our eyes find each other's for a
moment, my own widening as I see the look of complete longing that resides
in the green depths of his. I stare mutely after him, disbelieving
desperation making my chest hurt and my mouth to fall slack. It as if the
world is pushed aside for the moment, my every sense trained upon the
retreating figure of my heart's desire. My eyes watch the unconscious grace
with which he moves, the beauty of the dark hair tumbling down his slender
back being the last thing known to me before the gyrating crowd swallows
him. With every step he takes, it is like I can physically feel him moving
farther away from me, and the pain lodges thickly in my chest.

"What just happened there?"

A feminine voice in my ear makes me jump, and I gasp in relief as I see
Madison's dark eyes watching me questioningly.

"Some guy named Eric wanted Josh to go and meet some of his friends, I
think."

I say this slowly, my eyes locked wonderingly onto where I saw him
disappear.

"No," she replied after a moment, leaning closer. "I meant between you and
Josh."

I sigh softly as her voice dies away, looking to her sorrowfully, biting my
lip. No point in hiding anything now, I think to myself dejectedly. It's
probably very obvious to her now how I feel about him, and she's not so
immature that she can't deal with it. Besides, if there's anyone around here
I can trust, other than Josh, it's her.

"I don't know," I admit unhappily, looking down at my fidgeting fingers. "I
really don't."

She watches me for a moment, and then grabs my hand, pulling me towards a
shadowed corner. Once we get there, she turns and faces me, eyes solemn and
gentle.

"I'm going to go out on a limb here... into the realm that is officially
None Of My Business... and assume that you are gay, or bi?" She says this
calmly, tenderly, her hand reaching out to squeeze mine reassuringly.

I nod, and laugh humorlessly, raking my fingers over my face.

"That obvious, huh?"

She laughs softly and shakes her head.

"No... but when it comes to Josh, emotions are not very easily hidden. I
grew up with that guy... and I know the effect he has on people. He's gotten
himself into serious trouble before from guys that aren't gay or bi that
suddenly find themselves attracted to him and decide to take out their
frustrations out in violence."

I nod bitterly, and look over my shoulder to where I last saw him go.

"I know the feeling of having people freak out on you for the actions of
their hearts..."

She gazes at me shrewdly, and nods after a moment.

"I bet you do. You are very beautiful, Silver."

I blink dumbly at her for a moment, a blush searing my cheeks as I fumble
for words. But she laughs her lilting laugh and squeezes my hand again.

"Don't worry... I'm not trying to hit on you. I'm just stating the facts
that everyone knows." She winks and I nod, smiling.

"But what about Josh?" I ask suddenly, the desire in my heart to know raging
forth, dashing aside any policies about politeness. I NEED to know. I try
not to let her see how uncomfortable and anxious the question makes me,
looking anywhere else but at her.

Silence, and then: "Well, what do you think?"

I shrug hopelessly, and throw my hands up into the air, thudding against the
wall as I lean against it.

"I don't know! At first, I think maybe, because of the way he would look at
me and talk to me, but then other times it seems quite obvious he isn't
because of the way he flirts with the girls at school, and the way he pays
no attention to Ethan's totally obvious passes!"

I sigh and fall into silence, and before Madison can say anything in reply,
Josh is running up, eyes glowing with excitement and cheeks red with fervor.

"Hey," he says breathlessly, glancing with a grin to Madison before training
his gaze upon me. I, of course, melt.

"Hi," I reply softly, unable to keep the involuntary love-struck grin off my
face as I do so.

Madison winks at him and waves to both of us as she moves away.

"I've left my men alone long enough," she says mischievously, and shimmies
back into the awaiting cluster of adoring guys that have been hovering
nearby ever since she pulled me away to talk.

Josh watches her go for a moment, chuckling, and then looks back at me, his
eyes glowing crazily, as green as psychotic limes.

"I can't believe you haven't found anyone to dance with yet." He says, his
whole body seeming to thrum to the beat floating around us.

I shrug, and laugh.

"No-one wants to dance with a freak."

His eyes widen and he laughs incredulously, spreading his arms wide and
grinning.

"I'm a freak... are you saying no-one wants to dance with me?"

I giggle, and point wryly behind him, to the sea of eyes that have followed
his movements, men and women alike.

"No," I say. "But you're a different kind of freak than I am."

"How so?" he asks, not bothering to follow my gesture. He tilts his head to
the side slightly, questioningly.

I shrug. "You know. Good looking; sexy. The kind of stuff people want."

I tense as I say this, not daring to look at him for fear that I'll see him
start to back away or something. He is quiet for a moment, and I am aware of
him stepping closer to me.

"And you're not?" Quietly.

"Nooo..." I instantly reply, feeling my nerve endings tingle as he moves
closer and closer. "I'm not."

His hand finds mine again, and the entanglement of our fingers comes more
quickly this time, surer now of the other's touch. I hold on to him
desperately, still not able to look up at him, my heart surging
uncontrollably.

"It's a shame you think that. I think you are. But then again, I'm not a
girl, so my opinion doesn't matter."

He's pulling me closer to him while walking backwards, into the moving
crowd. I sigh with shivering desire as I feel him get closer and closer, and
my next words are murmured dazedly.

"Matters more than any girl's could..."

I don't know if he hears me say this, because he says nothing, simply draws
me closer and closer. But I'm too swept up in the fact that Josh has told me
he thinks I'm sexy, or good looking at least, to care if he heard me or not,
my hands tightening on his tremblingly. Suddenly I am right up against him,
our chests almost touching, and my cheek pressing against his. It is like my
dream. I try not to gasp or shudder as I realise this, and he speaks after a
moment, slowly moving to the music. Delirium, I think, the song "Silence".

"You owe me a dance, then, since you couldn't find anyone else."

His words are wickedly soft, slow and deliberate, and I tremble
uncontrollably at the sound of them, nodding after a moment.

"If you want...and don't...mind..." I manage to say, gaspingly reaching for
air.

Before I can finish my sentence, his hands are pulling away from my own,
slipping slowly around my waist, resting on my hips as he begins to step
backwards into the crowd, spinning slowly to the music. I squeeze my eyes
shut tightly as he does so, silently willing myself not to think too much,
the erection I can feel slowly beginning to burn in my pants not welcome at
all. I hesitantly lift my arms to encircle his waist in turn, and his
amber-toned, slow, sexy chuckle makes my heart leap in my chest.

"Of course I want, and no, I don't mind," he murmurs gradually, his face
turning even more against mine as his lips press a sudden, quick kiss to my
cheek.

It is probably the wired aura of the club, but I can feel that kiss burn
right through my skin as if it were liquid fire, sending my whole body to
fall into a crazy rush, my fingers tightening around him instinctively as
desire once more washes through me, soaking me thoroughly. I begin to clutch
him closer, my fingers sliding up his back slightly to get a better hold,
memorizing the taut cords of muscle under his skin and clothes, my chest
arresting in its instinctive motion as I move. He readily steps closer as I
pull him, his warm arms slipping further around me as he does so, and my
face becomes lost in the soft darkness of his hair. I breathe in the
intoxicating softness of it slowly, as deeply as I can, wanting it to fill
my veins so that I might carry it around with me forever.

'I can't believe this is happening,' I say to myself dizzily, thrilling as I
feel Josh move against me, his whole body seeming to become an extension of
the music all around us. I move with him as best as I can, opening my eyes
only to find Madison watching us, a delighted, almost motherly grin upon her
face. I say "almost" motherly, because there is an undeniable impish quality
to it that is nothing but teenage. I can't help but grin back, and she
winks, flashing me a thumbs-up before dancing off again.

I become aware of Josh's breathing; more intense and deeper than usual, and
I realize he is doing the same thing I just was. I feel his fingers move
through my hair slowly, feel him breathe in the scent of it, and my eyes
drift longingly closed as he does so, desiring nothing more than for him to
continue, and never stop.

"You smell great," he exhales into my ear; the warmth of his breath on my
ear almost making my knees buckle.

"So do you," I whisper indistinctly, my own fingers reaching up to trail
through his hair after a nervous moment. "You always do."

He smiles; I can feel his cheek press into mine further as it moves, and
suddenly his arms are resting on my shoulders, his fingers wrapping behind
my neck. I tug him slightly closer, our hips almost touching, my face
pressing tightly against his, my eyes closed and simply riding on feeling. I
turn my face slightly and press a tremulous, helpless kiss to his cheek in
return to the one he gave me, my lips lingering there longer than they
should, but my mind powerless to move them, my body screaming at me to keep
touching him, keep kissing him, keep desiring him.

Against every preconception I might have held going into this, every weak,
and barely dreamt desire is then suddenly amplified as I hear him moan
delicately, feel him suddenly press his body against mine, gripping my chest
tightly, his fingers pressing into my back. I shudder in his embrace, and
without giving myself time to think, kiss his cheek again, breathing
unevenly. He presses his cheek against my lips, demanding another, and I
hear his breathing coming in slow, shuddering gasps, his grip increasingly
tightening upon my back. I can only comply, almost insane with the knowledge
of the almost holy perfection of the face I am kissing, my every thought
directed upon him and him alone.

The club seems to have faded away at this point, the music even dwindling to
a bare register. My heart feels near to bursting, and I know I'm shaking
like crazy, but I keep kissing his cheek, pressing a feverish trail heading
towards his neck, and almost fainting with arousal as he tilts his head to
the side to allow me passage. His breathing comes in quivering jolts, and
then I hear him speak breathlessly, his lips coming to grace my cheek once
more, an urgency to the touch that makes me groan inaudibly.

"You're the best dancer here," he says, his hips brushing mine once more as
we slip past a wildly dancing couple.

I laugh weakly at this and blush frantically.

"Nah... I don't have the grace or crazy moves that some of the chicks do," I
say lightly, never releasing my hold on him.

"You've got grace," he replies, his voice sensual velvet in my ear. "And I
wouldn't know anything about the chicks since I don't dance with them."

I bite my tongue hard as he says this, disbelief making my head turn so that
my eyes find his. He doesn't dance with girls? Ever? My heart thumps madly.
Okay, better make this next question sound innocent. He is regarding me
calmly, a dangerous, almost careless look in those green eyes that makes me
want to strip him, right here, and make a trail down his chest with my
tongue, while his ecstatic hands on my shoulders push me down farther,
deeper..

"You don't dance with them? Seems like they all want a piece of you...it's a
shame; the way you dance, you could make an excellent partner."

He grins slightly and closes his eyes for a moment, his fingers pressing
deeper into my back.

"Why would I want to dance with them when I can dance with you? They're much
less sexy. And besides...none of them have eyes that I can get lost in, like
you do."

I stare at him in crazy shock; he opens his eyes slowly, languidly, and
locks onto my startled ones, whereupon his hand lifts off my back and comes
around to touch my cheek, the backs of his fingers trickling like soft rain
down my skin.

"You have the most incredible eyes I've ever seen, Silver. They're like
light reflected off a sword blade. It's like they see everything, and accept
it all, even the ugly stuff. Like a permanent song is playing in your head,
and your eyes can't contain the joy of it, so they have to shine like the
stars in order to exist..."

I can feel my mouth open and close a few times after he is done; my eyes
widely staring at his, shock and burning love coursing through my veins. Did
he just say that to me? Did JOSH just use those beautiful words? Words I've
always ached to hear in some form from ANYONE and they'd come from HIM? My
hand jerks up to find his, and I clutch it tightly, trying to send my
feelings through our joint touch, for I know any words I could ever possibly
say will never come close to the emotions raging inside of me. I can feel
tears already blurring my vision, the glowing green of his eyes becoming all
I see, all I ever want to see. I want to tell him... I want to tell him how
much I love him, how much I want and need him. I want to open my mouth and
ask him out right here, or at least gather up the courage to kiss him as
deeply as I've ever dreamt of kissing him, to whisper into his lips all the
words I've written or thought about him.

But before I can choose any of these, before I can reply to his words, or do
that green-eyed gaze justice, I hear: "Josh. Can I talk to you for a sec?"

We stare at each other for a moment, despair already sinking my heart, and I
can see Josh's eyes change: the blazing emerald slowly dims and grows to a
dark, unyielding green, and they look down, his dark lashes obscuring them
from my sight. Interrupted AGAIN. I am instantly convinced: the gods hate
me. His fingers twitch and then slowly drop from mine; mine are too weak to
stop him, too devastated to demand what my heart wishes, and that is for him
to tell whomever it is to fuck off. I look over slowly, and see Ethan, his
expression dark, and his eyes seeming to spit venomous fire as they glance
at me.

"Yeah," Josh mutters after a heavy moment, looking back at me as he removes
his arm from around my waist. I look off to the side as we step away from
each other, my fists clenching slowly as rage begins to rise.

"I'll be back," he says to me, and I nod wordlessly, catching out of the
corner of my eye as he pulls his fingers irritably through his hair and
directs a glaring look to Ethan. Ethan simply starts to walk away, and after
a moment, Josh follows, anger making his movements stark and precise.

I don't know whether to laugh out of joy, or cry out of rage. I can hear the
music, but it doesn't seem to make sense, the rhythms disjointed and ugly,
the voice singing too shrill and plaintive. The only thing that is beautiful
is Josh, and I stare after him dully, craving his beauty like I have no
other thing. I see them merge into the crowd, heading for a corner in which
to talk; Josh glancing back trying to find me, but missing me every time.

Madison slips up beside me, her eyes upon Josh's retreating figure as well,
her expression troubled. She looks to me questioningly.

"What the hell...?"

I shrug slightly, my eyes burning holes in the back of Ethan's head.

"I don't know. He wanted to talk to him." I can hear my voice: monotone.

Madison sighs, and for the first time I hear her speak angrily.

"Asshole. Figures that Ethan would go and ruin it. He's good at shit like
that. Are...are you okay?"

I nod with a forced smile, suddenly very tired somehow. She offers me a
smile, hugging me sympathetically.

"Well," she says with a grin, "what do you think now?"

I have to grin back, and happiness once more floods my heart, lifting my
fatigue off and away. She giggles and nudges me, hanging on me as we watch
the place Josh disappeared into.

"I think I'm the luckiest guy on Earth," I say quietly. "Cause even if I
don't get a chance with him, at least I know that there was the possibility.
I think the gods are trying to drive me mad, though... creating such a
beautifully sexy guy who is gay... and putting him right in my path..."

Madison hugs me tighter, and kisses my cheek again, to which I reciprocate
readily.

"Josh is a wonderful guy... and if anyone deserves him, I think its you. But
I gotta go... the song's almost over and the night is growing old!"

I laugh and nod, releasing her. Before she goes back to dancing, however,
she calls over her shoulder.

"Josh's 'rents are going away this weekend, so he's having a party at his
house. You're invited. SPECIFICALLY invited by Josh himself. So make sure
you show!"

I nod, giggling happily to myself, the problem of Ethan floating away on her
joyful grin. I wave her back into the crowd, and compose myself to wait for
Josh, the smile on my face attracting other smiles from people passing me. I
can't help but laugh as they smile at me; an incredible joy swelling my
entire being as I rethink the sudden events over, the feeling of Josh's lips
on my cheek returning to burn my skin strangely once more. After a while, I
slowly become aware of how thirsty I am, and so after a few more minutes of
waiting for him, I decide to quickly run to the washroom to get a
much-needed drink of water.

Pushing through the crowd quickly, I slip between dancing couples and past
lone dancers who pull at my sleeves and smile invitingly at me to join them,
shrugging as I decline, still making my way to the back. After a while of
pushing my way through sweaty, glitter-covered bodies, I finally reach the
back, and make my way down the crowded hallway to the men's washroom. I see
the door, and am about to push it open when I see, at the end of the hallway
against the wall, Josh and Ethan. I narrow my eyes slightly, for the shadows
somewhat obscure them. But what I eventually do see makes my hand drop
limply back at my side, and my heart to feel as though it has plummeted out
of my chest, through the floor, and landed in the cold nether regions of
Antarctica.

Ethan has Josh's hands pinned up against the wall; his body pressed right up
against Josh's as they kiss. I see them, kissing hungrily, Josh's fingers
entwining with Ethan's forcefully, Ethan kissing him with a passion that
makes me sick, a nauseating feeling boiling in the pit of my stomach. I can
watch no longer. I turn around, my vision suddenly becoming distorted; I
don't realize this is because tears are streaming down my face. A hollow
surge of incredulous anger and betrayal floods my senses, and I stumble down
the hallway, wanting to get away from there as soon as I can. I don't know
how I manage to get out of the club, or home even, but the next thing I
realize is that I am in my room, curled up against my tear-soaked pillow, my
eyes dry and burning because they can cry no more. The last thing I think
before I fall into a dead sleep is: He was toying with you. Making you pay
for all the shit you put him through. And now he's got Ethan. And you'll
never fucking forget that. Neither will he.