Date: Tue, 5 Jan 2010 00:18:01 -0500
From: Jian Jian <hikari_the_pure@hotmail.com>
Subject: Healing Fantasy

I guess I need to write this for my own healing. A friend once told me that
your first crush always stays with you for life, and I guess it's
true. Even though it's only been a few years since I last saw Him, I still
can't get Him out of my mind. Although, the pain of angsting over him
usually doesn't affect me as much as it did while I could see Him weekly. I
guess I can be thankful for Him, because it was my constant inner turmoil
over my desire for Him that drove me to coming out and going down the path
of self discovery that I'm on today. For that, I am thankful to Him.

Before I start this story, I should talk a bit about myself and Him. At the
time when I first met him, I was fifteen. I first saw Him on stage singing
for the Worship Band at the youth group I went to. I wasn't Christian, but
I attended this group because my mom dragged me there to try and give me a
chance to "hang out with" people my own age. I'd had a long history of
having few friends. According to my mom, one time when I was little, after
school I came home crying that I had no friends. Although my mom did trick
me into going, I was at least "hanging out" with people my own age that
seemed really nice.

Part of the reasoning for my lack of friends has to do with who I
am. Coming from a single immigrant mother background, I wasn't exactly
rich. Luckily, by the time I started school, I had my grandparents living
and helping my mom support me. On top of being one of the few mixed kids
growing up in one of the rougher neighbourhoods in the city, I was also
born with a disability. My right ear was originally just a flap of skin,
it's a real condition, but I have no idea what it's called. I also have a
relatively visible scar above my right eye from a car accident with my dad
when I was only 3 1/2. I came from a home life filled with trauma (multiple
operations to try and fix the ear, the car accident, and the
divorce). Compiling all this trauma in my early life... It's no wonder that
I ended up extremely shy and dissociative habits. I dove into school and
almost fit the stereotype of the nerdy Chinese child (except I look
incredibly white).

Upon later reflection, I recognized the cliques and how WASP/yuppie spawn
the kids at the youth group were. But at the time, I was drunk on the
music. Coming from a very socially sheltered home, Christian Rock, let
alone Rock was still a fairly new concept to me. When the first time I saw
Him, let's call him Stefan, I felt my stomach drop inside. Up until that
point, the extent to my experience with queer culture and my own sexual
identity was feeling desire (although nothing earth shatteringly serious)
towards guys around me, reading fan fiction.

Now the strange thing is that I understood that I was attracted to male
bodies, but never really thought about what it meant really. It just
-was-. I knew I was attracted to my best friend when I was 13, but I never
would have considered anything with him beyond sex. I just had no drive for
an intimate, emotional connection. That is, until I met Stefan.

Clearly, you the readers aren't here to listen to my sob story, but to get
off. I'd like to just write out one of my fantasies about Stefan. Also
contains my feelings, desires, and struggles during that time
period. Warning: I write plot, if you are looking for a quick fap, skim
until you find the sex. This is may also have some political themes and
will contain how I felt and understood the world around me.  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I couldn't help but give in to the music. It felt like there was fire
running through my veins and my spirit could fly above the masses. Out of
this body that I inhabit. I didn't understand the significance behind the
words as the language of Christianity confounded me, but I could feel their
passion. I was drunk. Drunk on a music style that felt like fire. Drunk on
the passion that everyone seemed to hold for God. Drunk on the freedom to
sing at the top of my lungs (mind you, in key and well) and not be afraid
of being ridiculed. But it was His voice that made me feel like I was
having an orgasm from my ear to my brain.

Stefan as I came to know him was doing vocals that week and his voice was
like oozing sex to me. A strong, clear baritone, but filled with passion. I
could see it in his eyes. Until that point, I never noticed brown eyes, but
his eyes... His eyes practically glowed with an inner light. A light filled
with joy, hope, and a little bit of mischief. From that moment, I became
infatuated with him. I just couldn't help but love how his chestnut brown
hair looked so amazing to me even with the odd tuft sticking out of his
relatively short haircut. So plain, yet so incredibly sexy. He had a wicked
smile that quirked around his lips and fairly sharp features. But what
stood out to me most to him was his personality. When the youth group was
hanging out at McDonalds (I hated the place but went for the company) his
personality shone the most. He made clever comments and did crazy things
like make outrageous expressions or playing games with the food/random
objects about. He would sometimes try to make me laugh when I tried to join
his group for socializing. Typically, his group would consist of a group of
girls and his one guy friend whom he went to school with. I sometimes
wondered if he liked guys too due to having so many girls near him, if he
was a couple with his friend. Of course, that would be bad for me since I
wanted to be with him in any way I could. Upon second thought, the girls
were probably hanging around him for the same reason I was; Stefan was very
hot. He actually looks a bit like the porn star, Brent Corrigan, but in my
opinion, much cuter.

I continued hanging around, getting my high off the music, and generally
trying to be social with Stefan. On days when he wasn't performing (he also
did electric guitar on some weeks) I would try and sit close to him and his
crowd, even though I really didn't get much of a chance to talk with him. I
regularly cursed my inability to deal with group situations and how shy I
was. I just couldn't understand how to enter their groups and contribute to
their conversations. After all, I was the only one there that came from a
working class background and knew little about Christianity.

By the time I was sixteen, I admitted I had a full blown crush on
Stefan. It was still going strong at age seventeen as I still saw him every
week. I have an early birthday so I was already 17 when I started grade 12.

I was just so madly attracted to his energy, voice, eyes, body, everything
about him and all his quirks. I just couldn't help but find his habits
adorable. I guess you could call it puppy dog love, but it was how I felt
at that moment.

One day mid year in grade 12, I managed to catch Stefan on his own after
the group. The McDonalds was pretty empty with just a few other people from
the youth group, but they were sitting in their own groups. His ride was
running late and all his other friends had left already. Since my mom came
later to try and give me some socializing time, I typically was around
pretty late.

"I'm a bit nervous, I've got my vocal exam coming up and I'm not sure how
good I am," I said to him trying not to look in his eyes. At this distance,
I could easily get lost staring into the depths of his eyes. They were a
few shades darker then my hazel ones.

"Go ahead and try it out, I don't think anyone would mind hearing a song,"
he said smiling encouragingly at me. I nodded and did the mental change to
prepare to sing. I was performing the song, "On My Own" from Les Miserables
as it was how I was feeling at the time. It was fairly obvious that I
didn't have as much control as Stefan did, but I played considerably with
tempo and dynamics. I hadn't changed the pronouns in the song from "he" to
"she". Stefan didn't comment on that part.

"Hey, that was really good! I can see you've put a lot of work into
practicing the song, could still use some touch ups and I think I could
share some techniques I learned in my lessons," Stefan said. "Do you think
you can come over to my place tomorrow night and we'll make it a sleepover
too?"

"Um, sure, just need to tell my mom, she'll be fine with it, especially
since it has to do with homework." I was feeling particularly jittery at
that moment. I was actually being asked to stay over at Stefan's place!
This was totally random and I wasn't expecting him to be so... Open and
friendly towards a semi-stranger. Although we had been talking for well
over a year, discussions were rarely deep and never extended beyond the
youth group.

"Great, my mom is visiting her parents and brought my little brother with
her. My big brother is living at University, so it'll just be us and my dad
there." Stefan flashed his signature smile and wrote down his contact
information. I promised to call him before leaving. Looking at the address,
he came from the West End of town where some of the more affluent people
lived. I couldn't help but feel slightly apprehensive remembering my past
of living in one of the poorest neighbourhoods in the city.

I had the "study session" cleared with my mom and she actually agreed to
drive me down. The bus ride would have taken an hour due to having to time
between buses and having to transfer to a second bus to get to the West
End.

The next evening, I had packed my essentials and was trying to look good
for Stefan hoping beyond hope that he was interested in me. At this point
in life, my hair was long enough to cover my ears so that it obscured my
deformities as I'd done all my life. I knew nothing of hairstyles but I
tried to keep my hair relatively straight yet the tips always curled
slightly. I didn't know what to think about my appearance. I had never
really tried to look "good" beyond formal for performances and special
occasions. The only thing I thought Stefan might like was how smooth my
skin was. A lot of women commented with envy how they wished they had my
skin. I really didn't have any self confidence in myself or any
understanding of what looked good to me.

Upon reaching Stefan's place, I bade my mom goodbye with a quick
hug. Stefan was sitting on the porch. The place was fairly close to the
University so it wasn't a suburb fortunately. It had that kind of
architecture that looked ancient and beautiful that characterized the West
End. Stefan got up and strode towards me.  "Hey, glad you could make
it. So, do you want to practice singing first or do you want to do anything
else?" he asked me as I was led to the house.  "Sure, is your dad going to
be bothered by singing? I know my voice projects more then I want it to."
"He's cool with it. The family is used to me singing, playing french horn,
guitar, and piano. What would one more voice mean to them?"

We ended up in his room. Stefan closed the door and I could hear a lock
slide into place. I didn't know why he did that, but I guess he didn't want
us to be interrupted. We sat on his bed cross-legged.  "Could you perform
your song again?" Stefan said softly. I did as he asked and did a repeat of
the night before. All the while, I could feel his eyes on me, analyzing me,
or so I assumed. When I finished, Stefan reached out towards me and I
tensed. He placed a hand on the small of my back and pressed a couple
fingers firmly on some point around there. I felt that shudder run through
my body from the simple act of feeling his touch even though it was a
t-shirt between us.

He instructed me softly to sing from the back of my throat. I felt tense
feeling so close to him. I could smell his natural and unique scent that
every person had and it distracted me from the task at hand. I took a
moment to collect and focus my thoughts upon singing before testing the
opening lines of my exam song. My voice sounded totally different! My voice
suddenly sounded rich and it felt like I was flying higher then I had ever
had while singing before. Stefan smiled and took his hand away.

"I wasn't expecting your voice to change as much as it did. It gives me
goosebumps, sounds a bit like Josh Groban, but you've got your own style."
As he said all this, his eyes were practically shining with that inner
light that I associated with him, like a trademark.

"Uh, thanks? You know that I've always really liked your voice?" I said
feeling uncomfortable with the praise.  "I'm really not that special, just
had private lessons and a bit of biological luck. But you, you've got a
cool voice."  "How about we agree that we both have good voices and quit
arguing and do something else?" I tried to smile and take it all lightly
just to avoid any more praise.

Stefan taught me a couple more technical tricks, but I wasn't able to
replicate that "rich voice" as effectively as the first time. After the
informal music lesson, we talked about our schools, and performed for one
another, some serious, some crazy.

His dad came over and was let in. He chatted with us for a bit and I got to
learn a bit more about Stefan's childhood. Unfortunately, I was quizzed a
bit about Christian topics. I knew very little about them and felt as if I
were being scrutinized to see if I was a good little Christian... Which I
wasn't of course. Stefan did deflect some of his dad's inquiries by saying
that I was still pretty new and that we needed to get ready for bed.

Of course, it was still pretty early in the evening, but I guessed Stefan
wanted to try and get his dad out. Funny, we hadn't talked at all about
sleeping arrangements. I was a bit concerned about sleeping in the same bed
with a straight guy, I'd probably try to insist on sleeping on the floor.

"Sorry for my dad, he gets a bit zealous at times, but he means well. I
guess we should get ready for bed, we can still talk once he retires
which'll be pretty soon. Do you want to shower first?" Stefan said.

After my shower and brushing my teeth, I put on a pair of old shorts over
my briefs and t-shirt before telling Stefan that I was done. I laid on his
bed thinking about what Stefan would look like without his shirt on and was
both excited and afraid of seeing him. Of course, he'd probably walk in
with a t-shirt as I did, but the proximity kept me imagining.

I was wrapped up in my thoughts when I suddenly saw a looming figure
staring down at me. Stefan's eyes sparkled with mischief as I was suddenly
held down and tickled. Unfortunately for me, I've got hypersensitive nerves
or something and am thus crazy ticklish. I yelped, squirmed and tried to
buck Stefan off. He suddenly stopped when he heard how vocal I was
too. Taking that opening, I attacked back digging my fingers into his
armpits. The tickle fight continued for a while and ended with Stefan's dad
knocking at the door voicing that we were too loud and should go to bed.

We laid there panting, Stefan on top of me, I could feel that I was flushed
and it wasn't just from being tickled. Stefan was staring down at me and
suddenly started to giggle softly.

"Sorry, just found your expression really amusing, maybe I should call my
dad back over so I can see you do it all over again," he said as he calmed
down.

"I'd rather not, he might you know, kick down the door and then we'd be
found in this compromising position," I said taking a slight risk. I was
hoping to probe into how he felt around issues of sexuality and possibly
find out if he gay/queer/bi/something that'd give me a chance to be with
him.

He suddenly grinned and said, "So, you don't want my dad to find out his
son brought a boy home to molest?"

My eyes opened with surprise and shock. Was he just toying with me, or was
he trying to suggest that he was into me in some way? I was even more
unsure trying to take into context the fact that he was raised Christian
and was pretty passionate about said religion. "Um, what are you
insinuating?"

He rolled his eyes almost playfully and wordlessly bent forward pressing
his lips against mine. In that moment, it felt like I was going to explode
from a mixture of tension, relief, and indescribable pleasure. Stefan
pulled away from the tentative kiss and grinned. "So, does that tell you
why I locked the door?"

I bit my lip trying to contain a moan. "You sure that's what you want? What
about your faith and the fact that your dad is down the hall?" I felt
guilty in that moment. Maybe I had somehow coerced him into something that
he'd regret later. Like, I had somehow corrupted him even though that was a
pretty ridiculous notion.

"I'm still as Christian as ever, but I've read some more progressive
Christian texts secretly behind my dad's back. I feel that sex and love is
holy, just as long as all parties want it and no one is hurt."

"Does that mean you don't mind casual sex or sex before marriage?"

"Yeah, I have been thinking pretty hard about the Christianity I grew up
with and what I came to understand of the world and decided that God really
wouldn't consider sex for pleasure sin. Besides, if it were forbidden, why
would it feel good and what are the bad things associated with it?
Temptation doesn't cut it, besides, they've broken their own rules longer
than they've been preaching."

"So, it's obvious that we're into each other. I guess I never told you that
I'm gay and have been Out for a while." I said feeling a bit more
comfortable around Stefan now that the initial burst of sexual tension was
gone.

Even though our desire was practically palpable, Stefan was being
considerate giving us a chance to talk. It turned out that he was actually
straight, but found me intriguing enough to cause him to bend his sexual
orientation. He had caught on pretty quickly that I didn't want him just as
a friend, but didn't make anything of it. After all, he was used to having
a crowd of girls crushing on him. But somehow, I had grown on him over
time. I couldn't understand what he saw in me, but was glad that he saw
something. The fact that I transcended his sexual orientation didn't really
get through to me at the time.

After establishing our sexual histories (none on my part, a couple kisses
on his) we discussed what we were looking for, hopes, and dreams. It felt
good being so honest to someone about myself outside my small circle of
girl friends.

During this time, Stefan has slipped off from his perch on top of me and
had laid beside me on his double bed. We had mutually agreed upon how we
wanted each other, wanting to explore our sexuality as far as we were
comfortable that night, and to also open up and get to know one another to
see how well we connected emotionally.

"Enough talking, I want you, now," Stefan said as he pulled me over so we
were touching. I pressed our bodies together feeling his crotch pressing
firmly against my own. We were about the same height so our eyes were at
the same level. I was the one to initiate contact this time. Feeling that
same nervous/excited energy, I pressed our lips together forcefully and
felt Stefan accept me deepening the kiss. His tongue snaked out and easily
entered my mouth. It was as if my whole body was filled with pleasure as I
felt the wet appendage toy with my own. It was so strange, but at the same
time, the hottest thing I'd ever felt.

I could feel Stefan wrap an arm around our waists pressing and grinding our
still-clothed crotches together. I couldn't help but just grind back trying
to get more friction. Pulling away from the kiss, Stefan's eyes were forced
on me. There was something in his eyes that made me feel hot as he said,
"You okay with going further?"

I nodded and said in a thick voice, "I want you so bad, want to do
everything with you."

He smirked and reached between our bodies pulled down the front of my
briefs and I winced as he touched my dick. He suddenly had a look of
concern on his face.

"Sorry, just... Really sensitive, not used to anyone else touching me
there," I said feeling embarrassed and just a bit nervous.

Stefan sat up and removed his shirt, then his boxers and looked at me
mischievously. I felt awkward and knew if I could, I'd be blushing right
now. I eyed Stefan's body drinking in his nude features. He puffed his
chest up to try and look buff; I couldn't help but laugh softly (as his dad
was in the house) at his antics. I liked everything I saw. He wasn't
muscled or anything, but he was mostly smooth. His nipples were a shade
lighter brown than his hair and were standing erect in the slightly cool
air. From there, my eyes trailed down his arms which were a little bit
hairy; that happy medium between hairless and Bear hairy that made him look
more butch and therefore hot in my eyes.

Speaking of eyes, they roved to Stefan's stomach with a line of hair
running and spidering away from the main line on his flat stomach down to
his pubic bush. As my eyes locked on what I had been fantasizing about
seeing for the past couple years, I tried to capture that memory to
cherish. To remember the moment I had my hopefully first sexual experience.

Stefan's cock stood straight at a slightly upper angle from a small pubic
bush (did he trim?). I drank in the features of his organ. It was the first
time I had ever seen a cut dick and it looked pretty big to me. It looked
fleshy and plump, but not obscenely long or thick like some porn stars
were.

"Enjoying the view?" I was shaken from my reverie by Stefan's voice as my
eyes immediately went down to the ground as they did when I was
embarrassed.

"Yeah, I love your body, it's so unlike mine, but I like it because of
that," I said as I brought my eyes back up to his. The sides of Stefan's
eyes crinkled a bit as if they were smiling before he crawled back over me
and commanded softly, "Strip, I won't hurt or judge you, promise."

I was about to ask for assurance when I looked into his eyes and all I
could see was honesty, concern, and maybe a bit of affection. Steeling my
nerves, I quickly slipped out of shirt and briefs as if I were jumping into
cold water.  I waited constantly fighting the urge to cover up my body as
much as possible as I endured Stefan's curious gaze.

I felt his hands run up and down my legs as he murmured, "I like your legs,
so smooth, but they look strong too. Do you shave them or something?"

I couldn't help but laugh softly. "Yeah, I do actually, I also shave my
armpits and arms. Started as a dare for Halloween, haven't stopped because
arm/leg stubble looks funny."

He smirked and pushed me to bed a bit forcefully. "You know, you're cute
when you laugh. Makes me want to... Molest you," he said before pressing
his naked body to my own again and ran his tongue up my neck and promptly
kissed me again. I moaned and shivered involuntarily pressing up against
him needily. We ended up rolling onto our sides in a tangle of arms and
legs.

"So, what do you want to do?" Stefan asked as he made slow thrusts against
my crotch after a few minutes of making out.

"Everything, I don't know what to do first. But I want you in me real bad."
I said trying to maintain control of my voice with the intense feelings
running through my body as if they were trying to escape.

"So, you want me to fuck you, tonight? Make love to you?" he purred as he
thrust against me a bit more forcefully then before.

I nodded and felt a bit embarrassed by voicing all my secret desires. "You
know I'm a bottom, right?"

"That's fine with me, I'm straight remember? Well, minus you. So, tell me
everything you'd want to do."

"Errr, I want to know what it's like to give a blowjob, getting one doesn't
really do anything for me, same with taking you. But, uh, I always imagined
being able to touch your body, like caress it. Not sure about being
touched, but it felt like I was on sensory overload or something."

Stefan looked amused right then. "If you were born as a girl, you'd be
really popular with a lot of guys if you get actually get off to only
pleasing a guy's body."

"Maybe, but I've got you right now and that's enough." I retorted as I
kissed him once again forcefully.

"True. You know I like you as a guy and not because I see you as a
replacement girl, right?" Stefan said after breaking the kiss. I could feel
his breath right against my lips as he had barely moved his mouth away from
mine. I kept on imagining our lips being locked again and how good it felt
to kiss him.

"So, why did you break your straightness thing going, especially without
experiencing girls first?"

"Dunno, just wasn't interested in any of the girls I saw, but you've wormed
your way into my heart. Or dick. Whichever one. Your spazzy antics amuse me
and I can tell you care a lot more for other people then what you show in
the group. You're also pretty strong you know? Like, you stand up for what
you believe in. Like how you took on that senior pastor when he was trying
to prove that what we're doing right now is wrong. Kudos for using real
life to counter the Bible. That all means you're far too cute to me to not
want to molest."

"Pfft, if I'm cute, what does that make you? A God?"

"Maybe, but that'd make you my Goddess"

I swatted Stefan over the head with a pillow. "I'm not a girl, remember?"

He wiggled his eyebrows mischievously as if he was one of the Marx Brother
and said, "Oh I know you're not a girl," before reaching between our bodies
again to squeeze my crotch.

I yelped and really hoped Stefan's dad didn't hear it. I glared at Stefan
as I repeated the gesture by groping him. Unfortunately it didn't have the
same kind of effect.

Stefan instead moved so he was laying on his back and looked really
comfortable. He had his arms folded behind his head as he watched me. "Go
ahead and touch my cock. Jerk me off, blow me, massage my balls, play with
my nipples, do whatever you want. I'll tell you what feels good or not, and
if I'm about to cum. Oh, and it'd probably be better if I came first if you
want me to fuck you later tonight, just so I'll last longer."

I nodded and crawled into the space between his legs which he spread to
accommodate my body. With one hand on his cock, I slowly started stroking
it feeling the warmth and hard squishiness, but more a lot more of it than
I was used to. I was fascinated by his lack of foreskin as my other hand
rubbed and toyed with the head. Stefan had propped his head up to watch me
smirking. My hands moved away from his man-sized cock up his stomach and to
his nipples. I rubbed them in circular motions with my thumbs watching
Stefan's reaction as he closed his eyes in pleasure. I continued my
exploration as each hand ran down each of his arms tracing the veins on the
underside of his wrists and placed my hands in his. Once again, a place
where my Asian genes bred true. His hands folded over mine easily.

Stefan smiled at me looking really amused as I focused my attention on his
hands. I couldn't help it as his hands were calloused and his fingers were
long. I linked our hands together as if we were holding hands. He looked at
my quizzically as I was fascinated by his hands. Before long, I went back
to exploring his body as I leaned forward running my fingers along his
neck. He had an Adam's Apple, although not big, it was visible as I poked
at it very gently curious about it. I barely had one and could only feel it
if I poked around for that slightly painful spot. As I touched his face, he
made a funny looking expression, like someone asleep and I couldn't help
but giggle a bit.

I went back in between Stefan's legs to pay more attention to the fleshy
bits sticking out between his legs. Feeling a bit more adventurous, I took
the hand on the head of Stefan's cock off and replaced it with my mouth. It
felt a LOT bigger than I was expecting. It felt like my mouth was being
stretched and practically unhinged. I knew that Stefan was far from the
really thick end of the dick spectrum but was thick enough to cause me
displeasure. Damn Chinese genes for giving me my tiny mouth.

I tried to fit as much of Stefan's dick in my mouth remembering to keep my
lips between my teeth and the fleshy rod that was invading my mouth. Stefan
gasped and moaned softly as a look of extreme pleasure passed over his
face. I experimented with actual sucking motions and slowly bobbing on the
third that I could fit in my mouth. Stefan looked incredibly content before
I suddenly pulled off again.

"Not big on giving head, my mouth is too small," I whined.

"Felt really good to me though! I love how you look struggling to fit my
big cock into your tiny mouth,. Do it for me, please?" He pulled puppy dog
eyes on me and pouted cutely.

"Fine, just warn me before you cum," I replied before taking the head of
Stefan's cock into my mouth. He exhaled loudly and had closed his eyes as
if savouring the sensation.

Honestly, dick didn't really taste good or bad. It just tasted like skin
and fortunately, he didn't smell like locker room which I learned was the
smell of unwashed crotch. I simply tried my best to please Stefan as best I
could with my extreme inexperience. I could feel my jaws aching just from
trying to accommodate the girth of the thing. Stefan was rocking into my
mouth, enough that I didn't have to concentrate on bobbing, but not too
much to make me gag. I pulled back to the head and held his hips down
caressing and stroking the base and shaft with both of my hands. I decided
to focus around the head as that was the most sensitive spot and poked my
tongue around the tip in a fluttering motion that I had read about. Stefan
gasped and almost jumped in my mouth.

"Heh, feels really good. Keep it up, I want to have a load of my seed in
each end of you before the night is over," he said trying to sound really
sexy as he leered at me.

Hearing him say those words turned me on even though I knew they were kind
of cheesy at the same time. I moaned softly as Stefan and his hot body
dominated my mind. I wanted him to cum in me. I wanted to feel what it felt
like to have someone's seed shoot inside me and to know that a part of them
would be inside me.

I pulled off Stefan's dick just to run my tongue from base to tip again
grinning up at him as I ran my tongue around the head a few times. He
whispered words of encouragement. "Yeah, just suck my dick a bit more" "Get
that hot little mouth back on me" "Your tongue feels really hot rubbing
against my head".

All this time, he had been letting me do most of the work. Suddenly, I felt
his hands on my head as he gently controlled my movements. He was getting a
lot jerkier in his small thrusts and his breathing a lot more
erratic. Without him saying anything, I knew he was on the brink of
orgasm. He pulled my head down forcing the blunt head of his cock into my
throat and gasped and moaned softly as he suddenly came. I wasn't too happy
about being gagged, but his hands were loose enough that I managed to pull
enough to not activate my gag reflex. I felt the hot fluid go down my
throat and fill my mouth. It tasted a lot saltier then my own, but I
swallowed it obediently.

Stefan's hands fell away from my head as I slowly pulled off tonguing the
head as he squirmed. "Too much! Stop for a few moments so I can recover!"
he said while trying not to laugh.

I pulled off, but not before flicking my tongue against the tip once more
and grinned. "Sorry, I enjoyed making you squirm. Serves you right for
trying to drown me in your cum though. Your plan foiled and I'm still
alive!"

He giggled his eyes lighting up even though it was seconds after his
orgasm. "Yeah, sure, I wanted you to drown you in my cum so I could fuck
your dead body. You know how much I love that necrophilia," he said
motioning wildly as if to imitate the act of fucking a dead body.

I rolled my eyes and snuggled up against him using his chest as a
pillow. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me up for a quick kiss.

"Thanks, that was really great and I'm really sorry for getting out of
control there for a moment. I've never felt anything so good before and I
guess I kind of spazzed," he said seriously. I felt my stomach drop as it
did so often around him, but it felt really warm too.

I smiled at him and caressed his shoulders mapping his body with my
fingers. "I forgive you, but we need to talk a bit about what's going to
happen next.." I was hoping that he was able to shift to responsible mode
as I'd seen at the youth group when he needed to.

"Sure, I know what to do. I've got a couple kinds of lube and some condoms
hidden under the floorboard."

"Uh, since we were both virgins, do you think we need condoms?"

"Dunno, heard you could still get Hepatitis barebacking."

"I cleaned myself out as best I could. Do you want to take the risk or play
it safe?"

"Eh, I'm fine with either, honestly, I don't mind chancing it. That and my
straight guy side wants to shoot my seed in you and get you pregnant." He
grinned and leered at me again.

"I'd have your babies if I could, but since I'm a boy, I can't."

"But you're -my- boy though. And I'm going to totally try my best to get
you pregnant. May take a few tries, or a couple hundred tries, but it's the
process that counts."

I growled softly and bit his collar lightly. "I'd like that. I don't mind
barebacking if you don't mind. But I'm going back into the shower after all
is said and done."

"Kay, get off so I can go fetch the lube."

I laughed and looked at him queerily. "Sure I'll get off, want me to cum
all over your face?"

He rolled his eyes and pushed me off of him as he got up and went to a
corner of his room, moved the chair away, and lifted up the floorboard to
get at his stash. I got out of bed as well to investigate what kind of
treasures he had in there. Inside was a case of condoms, a few varieties of
lube, some guides on safer sex (from school?), and a ruler.

"Hey, what's the ruler for?" I asked as I peered over his shoulder with a
hand on his shoulder to steady myself and just for the contact.

"Measuring my dick of course. And for spanking naughty boys who've gotten
into trouble."

I giggled and pulled the ruler out taking it to the bedside table. Stefan
brought his bottle of lube.

"I had to get all these things in secret, luckily, my dad isn't too nosy
because I'm such a model student and Christian." He rolled his eyes and
laughed. "So, want to measure the rod that'll be rammed up your gut soon,
or do you want to be spanked?"

I picked up the ruler and pushed Stefan to the bed. "Measure you of
course. Might try spanking another time." I knelt between his legs again
and noticed that his cock had gone down to a semi. I put it in my mouth
again sucking and running my tongue along that flap of skin on the
underside of the shaft and felt Stefan's cock slowly expand in my
mouth. After I deemed he was fully hard, I pulled off noting how shiny the
head looked with my spit, and lined the ruler up from the base. After
fiddling around with it to try and get it in the right place, I looked at
the spot where the tip of his dick ended.

"Woah, that's like, just over 7.5 inches. You think you can get it all in
me?"

He looked really hot and aroused and said, "Yeah, I think I'll be able to
make your asshole stretch to accommodate my cock. But just barely. Wonder
if your hole is going to be as small and tight as your mouth was."

He pushed me off and guided me onto my back this time. He knelt between my
legs as he slowly caressed my body. I bit my lip feeling the warmth and
roughness of his hands, yet felt like it was putting me in sensory overload
at the same time.

"It's kind of funny. I'm younger than you by nearly 6 months, yet I'm the
one that's practically done puberty. You look like I did when I was 14."

I looked up at Stefan and was afraid suddenly. "You don't mind though? I
hope that I'll be maturing more soon, my body hasn't changed much in the
past couple years besides gaining more hormones and a bit more hair
growth."

Stefan shook his head seriously. "On the contrary, makes me feel hot. Like
I need to protect you like a big brother." He leered again and added, "but
you aren't my little brother which would be weird so I can fuck you all I
want."

I giggled and pulled him down for another quick kiss. I swear, I could get
addicted to kissing with how much playing tongue tag drove me up the
wall. I couldn't help but moan softly as I felt his hands cup my head. He
pulled away and grinned. Without saying anything, he grabbed the lube from
where he had put it on the table and squirted some into his hand. I took
the pillows and put them under my butt/lower back feeling increasingly
nervous wondering how much feeling his cock inside me would hurt and if I'd
actually get pleasure out of it.

Stefan hiked my legs up onto his shoulders as we met eyes for a moment. In
that moment, I saw lust, pure desire, desire for me in his eyes. I finally
understood. That he desired me for being me, and not because I was
available. By some miracle, I had found someone that wanted -me-.

I felt a wet finger press against my hole and push in. It felt very odd and
different from my own fingers when I experimented in the shower with
fingers covered in soap suds. His finger made a couple slow thrusting
motions inside me before I felt another finger join it. At this point, I
was feeling a bit uncomfortable. I rarely used more than two fingers,
mostly because my fingers were too short to really do much. Either that or
I couldn't find my own prostate/didn't have a fully developed one. He
continued trying to stretch me open and get me looser. I tried my best to
relax and push back as I had read so often on the Internet. He managed a
third finger which caused my eyes to bug open for a moment. It felt like
his fingers were just barely small enough enough to fit inside my anal
passage. He continued his work switching to a scissoring motion. I wondered
right then if he was as virgin as he said he was, or if he had read up on
gay sex or something of the sort. I didn't think your average teenage
straight guy knew how to prepare someone for anal sex.

He pulled his fingers out wiping them on a towel he brought before I heard
the squirting noise of lube being applied to his fingers. He practically
pushed more and more lube inside me. It felt really strange feeling the
sticky fluid inside me, but I endured it knowing that without it, I'd be in
intense pain. After a few minutes, I was used to having three fingers
sliding inside my passage and thought that they slid in and out really
smoothly. I felt Stefan's fingers withdraw once again and the sound of the
bottle of lube and a squishing sound. I assumed he was lubing up his
cock. My assumptions were right as I felt something blunt and hard pressing
up against my opening.

Stefan looked down at me concern mirrored in his eyes. "Hey, you ready? I'm
a bit afraid that I'll lose control and hurt you, just so you know. But I
want this. I want to feel what it's like to be inside you and be connected
to you."

"Go ahead, just take it slow, just try to get the head in. Heard the
hardest part is to get past the sphincter," I said trying to hide my own
nervousness from my voice.

I felt Stefan's hips move as he pressed his cock against my hole. For a
moment, all I saw was stars as I felt my sphincter give way to the large
intruder. I wanted to cry out, but I held it in as I felt Stefan continue
to push steadily into my body. He suddenly stopped and leaned over kissing
me. I took that moment to moan into his mouth as he practically forced his
tongue down my throat. It was as if he was penetrating me twice.

He pulled away from my mouth and gave me a smile looking for any trace of
pain. Suddenly, the pain flared in my mind. He had just gotten the head in
if my guess was correct. I scrunched my eyes closed and uttered between
gritted teeth, "Ow,". Stefan stopped and waited for me. It felt like my
whole ass was on fire, and it felt like something that was too big to fit
inside my tiny passage -such as a log as people commonly use as a metaphor-
was forcing its way inside me. I gritted my teeth and nodded. I wanted to
see if I could just endure the pain like I would if I were to rip off a
bandage.

Stefan continued and groaned softly before saying, "Feels even hotter and
tighter than your mouth. You've got a couple inches of my dick inside you
so far, but I think you can take all seven and a half inches." He grinned
and ran his hands up and down my left leg stopping his intrusion for a bit.

"Curse you Asian genes, why couldn't I have been born with black hair and
eyes instead of a tiny mouth and butt?" I said trying to joke a bit.

"Au Contraire, I like how tight you are. Feels really great around my
cock." He sat back up again and I saw his hand move down between my legs
again, I assumed to help guide his cock further into my body. I felt him
pushing more as I felt his member slide further and further into my
core. It felt like it took hours, but in reality, it probably only took
five minutes. I had no idea how Stefan had the patience or restraint to not
just slam into me.

By the time I felt his pubes pressing against my ass cheeks, I felt really
strange. I was in awe as I realized that I was connected to Stefan in such
an intimate way. I felt a piece of Stefan deep inside me, my core. I had
also given my virginity to him. There was no blood (fortunately) or a hymen
to break (not that too many girls had them in this day and age) but the
symbolic significance of feeling a cock deep inside me for the first time
was mesmerizing. It wasn't just any cock, but Stefan's cock, the guy whom I
had been crushing on since the first time I heard him sing two years
ago. Suddenly, a mischievous thought appeared in my mind.

"I just realized something. We're committing sodomy inside your Christian
house with your dad down the hall from us," I said cheekily grinning
evilly.

Stefan cracked a smile as well as he leaned back over me and started biting
and nibbling my lower lip. "I know, and that's so hot. Although I honestly
don't believe what we're doing is wrong, thinking about making passionate
love to you, a boy, is making me even more hot and bothered." He growled
and made a small thrust inside me.

I gasped and moaned pushing back against his cock wanting to feel it all
inside me again. I assume he noticed my reaction and smirked again and made
a few short, jarring thrusts. His cock shifted inside me rubbing and
pushing against things inside me. I softly said coarsely that I wanted him
to go harder and how much I loved his big cock.

Stefan got back on his knees so he was staring down at me as he made slow,
deep thrusts inside me. I could feel his cock slide out of me before he
slammed in hard. He repeated this a few times in varying speeds. Each time
he pulled out, it felt like my passage was closing back up, and each thrust
in felt like I was being forced wide open again to accommodate his hefty
organ. I wanted to cry out how much this turned me on but knowing we had to
keep quiet stopped me from doing so.

Suddenly, Stefan pushed in really hard and ground his crotch up against my
ass. I could feel his cock shift around inside me. I pulled myself up just
to drag Stefan back down on top of me searching for his lips and moaned
into his mouth to stifle the sound. He used the small, quick thrusts inside
me again as I wrapped my arms under his armpits trying to press our bodies
closer together than was possible. I felt that I needed to be even further
connected to Stefan's body then just through his dick and my ass. I tried
flexing out my internal muscles which caused Stefan to moan into my mouth
this time He stopped with his dick all the way inside me to enjoy the
sensation and I could feel him throb inside me.

He then pulled out and said huskily, "Get on your hands and knees, I want
to fuck you doggie style and breed you."

I looked up and could see his hard cock covered in lube and was still
shocked that I had managed to get that all the way inside me. I complied
and was on my hands and knees. Stefan put his towel under me in case I came
before positioning himself behind me. I felt him enter me again, this time
a lot rougher as he slid in hard and fast. I gasped as Stefan commented how
good it felt to be inside me again.

He had his hands holding onto my hips as he started a fast and rough pace
as he slammed into my passage. I really liked how rough he was, it felt
good and his dominance over me was making my inner self shudder in
pleasure. His hands strayed feeling up my back to my chest and my pink
nipples and the fleshy area that wasn't quite breast, not quite chest. I
flinched as he pinched them and rubbed them as he continued his rough
pistoning in and out of my body. His hands continued their wandering
further down past my stomach and one hand wrapped around my dick. He
stroked me causing me to wince, but I couldn't very well swat his hand
away.

"Just focus on your own pleasure, this is making me feel really good except
for you trying to give me a handjob," I said hoping he wasn't offended by
what I said.

"Okay, if that's what you want... I'm going to fuck you so hard now that
I'll be pressing you into the bed," he growled by my ear.

Suddenly, he was thrusting really forcefully, hard enough to cause move my
hips and body forward. I let my arms rest on the bed a bit relieved by not
having my body weight being placed on them as he forced me onto my stomach
with each thrust. Before long, he was laying on top of me pressing me into
the mattress.

He was breathing heavily by my ear and started biting and suckling around
the back of my neck lightly. He was fucking me at a different angle and it
felt even better in this position as it felt like he was drilling into me
and it felt like he was even bigger, or he was using the whole extent of
his cock or something.

I wrapped my arms around his back and managed to lock our arms together
vaguely in a hand holding gesture as I felt Stefan growl that he was
getting close. I concentrated on squeezing and massing his cock with my
inner muscles and grinding into the bed. I wanted to feel him cum inside me
then and claim me as his. His for the moment, his for eternity, it didn't
matter to me.

Stefan was slamming into me hard and fast, so erratically that I knew that
he was in pure frenzy mode. He wasn't thinking, just feeling and trying to
get his nut. He groaned and I felt him dig his cock deep inside me and
pressing me as hard as he could into the mattress. His hands were gripping
mine in a nigh death grip and I felt it. I felt the hot warmth shooting
inside me. I felt each spurt of his seed shoot inside me, and the shudder
of his cock like a miniature shock wave as it deposited its offering deep
inside me. Somehow, from the sheer overload in mind-pleasure of feeling him
orgasming and shooting inside me, I came grinding into the towel.

The world shifted for a moment as my mind blanked out with endorphins
racing through my body. I buried my face into the pillow and moaned as
Stefan moaned into my neck. For those few seconds, it seemed like the world
stood still and everything was alright. That I felt loved, desired, and
there were no struggles to deal with. No more fear of being disowned by a
Chinese mother. No more fear of her constant put downs. No more worrying
about if she'll get enough work days this month so we could survive. No
more bitterness towards the system which granted privileges to white
educated women before yellow educated women with foreign credentials. No
more homophobia, no more having to stand up for myself and my rights in a
system that pretended to have my interests at heart but was slowly
suffocating me. No more being made fun of for having a different body by
those whom I'm supposed to call peers. No more sensing discomfort from the
white middle class gay boys in social spaces where they know that I might
be looking for someone to get involved with. No more feeling so desperate
that I felt like I had to go to the gay bar where I knew I'd feel
uncomfortable to possibly have a chance of finding someone. No, for this
moment, I was in the arms of someone I really liked. For this moment, I
knew that I was desired as he had just taken my virginity (and I his, in
the sense of his first time penetrating).

I twisted my chest around so I could lean up and kiss Stefan. It was a lazy
kiss, the kiss of post-coital bliss. It felt good, and it felt good feeling
Stefan's cock still inside me, still hard.

"Wow, that was intense, did you cum or was I imagining things as I felt
your ass muscles twitching around my cock?" he said lazily as he pulled out
grabbing the towel from under me to clean off his dick.

"Yeah, I came without touching myself. Can't believe I did that. Can we do
that again soon?" I felt really empty when he withdrew. I grabbed the towel
from him. I cleaned his dick for him watching him squirm as I stroked him a
few times with the towel. I still couldn't believe that he had been inside
me just moments before and had given me my most intense experience of my
life.

He pushed me back onto my stomach and proceeded to clean my butt with the
towel and threw it onto the floor. After he was done, I got out from under
him and got up on my hands and knees staring into his eyes. All I could see
and feel from his was content happiness, and eyes full of mischievous
affection. It made me feel really warm inside to see that and I wondered
what this feeling was.

"Let's take a shower together. Put your briefs and shirt back on. We'll air
out the room and put away the stuff again first so he hopefully won't get
too suspicious if he wakes up," he said as he broke our gaze.

We did as Stefan said and snuck quietly to the bathroom. Luckily, Stefan's
dad's door was closed and appeared to still be asleep. Inside, we stripped
once again and got into the shower.

The hot water was fogging up the room a bit as we stood there facing one
another lazily kissing. We nibbled and bit, licked and sucked. Our hands
roamed the other's body slowly for a while. "Hey, let's actually clean up,
we can do this in bed again and not waste all the hot water," I said softly
with a half smile on my face.

We washed the other's body. I was getting used to his touch, it wasn't
quite so scorching hot anymore, but a pleasant sensation. After we got out,
we toweled each other off, dressed, and crept back to Stefan's room.

After locking his door again, we shed what little we were wearing and
jumped into his bed nude. We spooned with him wrapping his arms around me
even though I was physically larger than him. I could feel his dick in my
crack, but he was soft now, yet I still felt that stir inside me. I felt
really content even if his breath was tickling the hairs on the back of my
neck.

We ended up falling asleep (side by side, not spooning) after he mumbled
feeling tired and I felt really content for once. No more raging against
the pent up desires that ran through my body this night.

The next morning, I felt a slick finger press up against my sphincter again
and twisted my body to face one Stefan on his knees pressing a finger up
inside me once again and with a raging hard-on between his legs that looked
really big and needed to be sated.

"Sorry, couldn't resist. Was so horny that I just had to have you again,"
he said looking a bit sheepish, but leered at me once more.

It felt good being desired. "Trying that necrophilia thing again? Having
sex with a sleeping person instead of a dead person?"

"Of course, now excuse me as I fuck you silly again. I want to see if I can
fill you up with enough of my cum that you'll become pregnant." He grinned
and proceeded to prepare me to be fucked once more. Perhaps this time he'd
manage to get me pregnant...