Date: Thu, 11 May 2006 21:41:34 +0200
From: Sara <emptyxcore@email.si>
Subject: Help Me - 4

Colin was sitting on a wall all by himself. He was sitting really strangely,
his right leg under him, and his left leg swinging back and forward. Rather
adorable, if you ask me. He was carefully chewing on a piece of sandwish,
holding the rest of it with his both hands. He was staring at the floor, but
did not allow himself to day dream, as he looked up everytime an anusual sound
was made.
"Hey... Colin." I said rather quietly, not really knowing what to say. And
please note, I am not your typical shy kid, I can be pretty annoying. Colin,
on the other hand...
"Shit." he mumbled when he looked up, his eyes meeting mine. He got scared,
again. Was it something about me that scared people away? Or was it just bad
luck?
"Shit..." he repeated and quickly started putting his sandwich in the backpack.
Just when he was about to jump off the wall, I tried to speed up a little and
get him before he does that.
"Hold on a minute, will you?" I said as I grabbed is arm and gently pushed him
back. He froze right there. Well, this was easier than I though...
"Listen." I started.
"No, I know you're not gay, I'm really sorry." he started mumbling at himself,
lowering his head more and more.
"It's okay." Okay, lousy answer, so. What was I to say? No, I am gay and I
think you're really pretty?
"I'm so sorry." he didn't seem to be listening to me...
"Colin. I said it's alright." I said very, very clearly and loudly. He then
stopped his mumbling and bit his  lip like he always does. That was so hot... Oh
my god. Snap out of it. This is so not the time for Mr. Hard On, no sir...
"I-I'll go then." he said quietly and preparing himself to jump. This can not
end up like this... Not a chance. Say something, don't screw up for once in your
life.
"Well, I was thinking-" I began, and he looked at me with big, no, actually
huge puppy eyes.
"I was thinking..." I tried again. Say it, it's no big deal, god.
"Do you like hot chocolate?" I blurted out. You moron, it's summer, why would
he drink hot chocolate in-
"I love it." he smiled widely and it was the most beautiful smile I ever saw
in my entire life. His teeth were literally perfect, and I would need a whole
bunch of plastic surgeries to make my lips as pretty as that. I couldn't help
but to smile back.
"I know this great place. They have the best hot chocolate." I finally said
and looked up at him, when I noticed I was holding his knee all this time. I
quickly moved my hands away, but the warm feeling stayed. It felt nice.
"Okay." he said, still looking at me and waiting.
"We could go there some time?" I don't really know if that was a question or a
statement, but I think I got my point across. And the gayness was rather
obvious too, I think he got it.
He was still smiling, and it made me happy just to see him smile. It was
special. It was special because he wasn't like some people who would even
laugh at some lame joke about llamas. He never smiled, that's what made it so
awesome. And that's why I couldn't stop smiling back.
He nodded cheerfully and kept smiling.
"Great. I was thinking today after school?" I continued, hoping he would not
find it too pushy. Damn it, ofcourse I was being pushy. Don't scare him off...
"I have english." he said, the smile not leaving his face for a second.
"Later skater." he said and finally jumped off the wall and hurried to class.
I was late myself...
Later skater? What kind of a lame phrase was that? I think I like it...


I was sitting on the stairs in front of the school, playing with small rocks
and dirt. Where was I suppose to get hot chocolate... I don't even like it.
What now?
I felt someone tap my soulder gently. Colin! I turned around with a smile,
disapointed on seeing Ash. I hid my smile and saved it for later. She doesn't
deserve it.
"Why are you smiling?" she asked suprised, almost shocked, actually. She sat
down next to me and kept staring at my face. I hate when people stare at me.
She knew it.
"Stop staring? Thanks." I said, and made it very clear that I was very much
annoyed.
She looked away. "Better?"
"Just fuck off Ash." I said. And then I remembered. If Colin sees me with her,
he won't come here, and if he does, Ash will be a bitch.
"Atittude." she added simply, but didn't move for an inch.
Then I saw Colin walking out, trying to shove something into his backpack. A
guy jumped in front of him and yelled something then pushed him on the floor.
He started laughing like crazy when all of Colins stuff fell out of his bag.
Colin tried to pick them up but the guy started walking all over his books
said 'Oops' every time he made a step. Suddenly, he stopped, kneeling down. He
grabbed a small stuffed animal. It was a little pink puppy, with a heart-
shaped nose and big eyes. I guess you can assume what happend next...
The guy laughed even harder and blamed the pinkness on Colin for being
a 'faggot'. He started calling him all sorts of names and everybody laughed
with him.
"God, he's such a fag." Ashlee said in giggles.
"GIVE IT BACK!" Colin suddenly yelled wildly and jumped at the guy. He was
beating him with his fists, bitting, stratching him...
"Get off! Fuck!" the guy screamed and tried to fight him back. Funny, he
wouldn't let go of the doggy, and his ego was still there, since he still
wouldn't stop calling him a fag.
Oh my god, how can I just watch this happening? I jumped up and ran towards
the crowd.
"Stop it Colin!" I exclaimed, but he didn't stop. He kept hitting him. Shit,
what if he kills him? And goes to jail?
I grabbed Colin as hard as I could, but he wouldn't stop fighting. I squeezed
him even harder and pulled him off of the other guy.
"Just calm down Colin." I said in his ear, but he didn't seem to be listening.
"FUCKING GIVE IT BACK!" he yelled again, ignoring me completely.
"Give it back, you retard!" I joined.
The guy finally woke up and broke the stare, tossing the toy infront of us.
Colin stopped. His angry look changed back to his usual scared one, and I
slowly let him go, allowing him to crawl to the toy on his knees. He took it
in his hands. Everybody was quiet. And then, he started slightly sobbing. And
then he began to cry. Everybody stared.
"Shows over animals, you can fuck off now." I told them, and slowly they all
went back to whatever they were doing.
I turned back to see Colin still sitting on the floor, holding his puppy and
crying quietly. I walked back over and sat down.
"Are you alright?" I asked. That was a stupid question... To be honest, I was
a little afraid of him now, I never though he could be that dangerous.
"Don't cry." I whispered, putting my hand on his knee. He flinched and looked
up. He was so scared, and I hated it.
"Please, don't cry, it's okay." I begged him, but I didn't move my hand.
"H-He took my-" he started saying between sobs.
"I know, you got it back now." I said, now petting his knee.
He nodded and looked at me. Suprisingly, he reached over to me and pulled me
into a hug. I was seriously confused, but I hugged him back. And it felt nice.
"Um, Aiden?"
Colin let go of me and quickly looked up. I turned around. Ash.
"What the hell?" she said, raising her eyebrows. Now what was I suppose to do.
There's Ash, my homophobic friend I hated at the moment, and my new friend I
cold easily fall in love with. I chose
Colin. He needed me.
"Me and Colin here are going out for a drink." I said simply "Wanna come with
us?"
 She gave me one of those 'You're joking, right?' looks. I was joking. And I
wasn't going to lie. Then she said something I was hoping she wouldn't...
"He turned you into a fag, didn't he?"
I could see the disgcust in her eyes that felt like a narrow right through my
heart.
"Do you just suck each others cocks, or throw up together, too?" she asked,
with an evil smile. How could she possibly do this to me? How could she
fucking say that?
"Fuck you Ash." I was amazed when I said that, on how strong I sounded.
Because honestly, my heart was this close to breaking into million pieces.
"Fags." she rolled her eyes and walked away. Just like that...
"I'm sorry, this is all my fault." Colin gasped, giving me a tisue, when I
realised I was crying. Dammit...
"It's not your fault..."
"It is-" Okay now this was not the perfect time to annoy me.
"Just shut up Colin, I said it's not your fault." I raised my voice but tried
not to yell. I didn't have time for him.
"I-I'm sorry..." he said quietly, very quietly, looking down. This was hard...
"Stop saying your sorry, stop worrying, why are you so afraid of me?" I
blurted, whiping the tears away.
"I'm sorry.." he whispered, almost sobbing now.
"Stop apologizing!" I exclaimed. That just made it all a lot worse, as he
closed his eyes and tried not to cry. He stood up, grabbed his backpack and
started running away from me.
"Colin!" I yelled "Come on..."
 I didn't mean to sound mean. I was just really... Not in the mood, you know?
And now... Now I lost both of them.


<i>A winter's day, in a deep and dark December.
I am alone, gazing from my window
To the streets below, on a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow,
I am a rock, I a man island.

I've built walls. A fortress deep and mighty,
That no one may penetrate. I have no need of friendship,
Friendship causes pain, it's laughter and it's loving I disdain,
I am a rock, I a man island.

Don't talk of love, I've heard the word before.
It's sleeping in my memory and I won't disturb the slumber
of feelings that have died. If I'd never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock. I a man island.

I have my books and my poetry to protect me.
I am shielded in my armour, hiding in my room,
Safe within my womb. I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock, I a man island.

And a rock can feel no pain. And an island never cries.</i>


I've sat in my room reading it over and over again for so many times.
And why? Because I never learn. I never learn the fucking lesson...
I held the razor next to my wrist. Both of my hands were shaking. I looked
closer and could still see an old scar.
"I still hate you." I whispered to myself.
How the hell did this happen? How could I let anyone get to me? How could he
get thorugh all the freaking walls? How could I be so stupid... So fucking
stupid.
"Aiden dear?"
Fuck. I threw the bloody razor under the pillow and panicly scanned the room
for a towel.
"Aiden!" my mum called again. She was still downstairs, thank god.
"What." my voice was shaking while I ran to the other side of the room. I
grabbed an old paper towel and pressed it against my hand. Five circle-like
blood stains appeared on it and grew bigger and wider.
"Aiden?!"
"I SAID WHAT!" I yelled nervously and took another towel. I cleaned the drops
on the table.
I heard a knock at the door. Shit.
Another knock.
"What the fuck do you want?" I said and threw the paper in the trash. My hand
was stil bleeding... Shit. I walked towards the door and opend it...
"H-Hey..."
Major shit...

"Colin." I blurted. "Uh, what are you-" I threw the paper in the corner behind
the door and turned back to him, opening the door a little more "-what are you
doing here?"
He looked at the floor.
"I-I just brought you some hot chocolate." he said quietly and showed me two
brown and white cups. Steam was coming out of it and I could smell the
chocolate from where I was standing. Uh... Chocolate. On the other hand, this
was kind of sweet.
"Oh."
He stepped back and looked at me carefully.
"I shouldn't have... I'm sorry." he said and kept looking at me.
"It's alright Colin, come in." I wasn't really sure what I was doing... There
was a freaking razor under my pillow, blooded napkins everywhere, plus with my
hand still bleeding...
"Are you sure?" he asked supprised, and looked at me with big eyes. No, crap,
don't do that, don't look at me.
"Y-Yeah." I mumbled, staring at his eyes. So goddamn pretty. He stepped
forward and looked around my room.
"What a pretty room." he said, in his gentle girlish voice. Is it possible to
get a boner from hearing someone talk? Because it was happening.
"Oh, you like The Clash." he clapped his hands together slightly three times,
looking at the posters.
"They're my favorite band." I finally replied and got a little closer.
"Mine too." he turned around quickly and frooze when he saw me standing behind
him, now facing him.
"I like you Colin." I smiled. So much about my plan... Shit, I'm so weak. Fuck!
Fuck, why am I doing this. This won't end up nice, I know it won't.
His jaw dropped and he looked at the floor. I tried to move my hand so he
wouldn't get scared, and reached to his chin, pushing it up gently just a
little bit. His eyes were still fixed on the floor.
"Look at me." I said quietly. He looked at me and I smiled.
"I think you're really nice Colin, and, right now, I would love to kiss you."
I think I made my point. Now I was waiting for a slap, or crying, or yelling,
or him walking out... But, nope, you wanna know what happend?
He leaned forward and slightly brushed his lips against mine. I could feel my
body shake when he touched me. Oh god...
He backed away a little, then got his lips closer again, pressing them harder
this time.
Oh, hell...
I opend my mouth, and so did he. I could feel his warm breathe on me and it
turned me on more than any monster cock ever could. We kissed. It was a real
kiss, a passionet kiss.
And right there, I felt loved and I felt beautiful.