Date: Wed, 21 Dec 2011 08:09:39 -0800
From: Jeffrey Venzuela <jtvenz72@gmail.com>
Subject: I Shall Believe - Chapter 18

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Warning:  If you don't tolerate or approve of the gay lifestyle please
leave now.

This is pure fiction. No one in this story is a real person, living or
deceased. Any similarities is just a coincidence.
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	Jake Ryan was scared shitless. He felt the color drain from his face
as his blood retreated to the pit of his stomach. It had been just over a year
since the last time Andy Pearson had seen him and Ivan together. And, not
coincidentally that too had been a time of extreme personal fear and
vulnerability. Somehow he had convinced Andy that it was just a drunken
mistake that meant nothing, but it also unleashed a personal campaign on
his part to be the manliest high school stud of all time. He had slept with
every girl he could, and even bedded down a couple of older women to solidify
his heterosexual credentials. It worked so well, that after a few months
he had been able to return to exploring the sexual urges that had gotten
him into trouble in the first place. He avoided the boys in school but found
it easy to pick up guys around town with no repercussions, not even a little
gossip if he happened to be spotted in the company of another guy. He was
definitely an established ladies' man in the eye of his parents, the coach, his
teammates, his classmates and even his closest friend, Michael. But now Andy
had returned for homecoming and found him together with Ivan again, and he
could feel his carefully constructed fictional world disintegrating before his eyes.

"Let's get some hot chocolate." Ivan suggested, half-dragging Jake into the café
near City Hall.

Ivan watched Jake as he stared at the cup of hot chocolate in front of him as
if he was waiting for answers to reveal themselves on the surface of the dark
liquid. The two of them had been pretty shaken up by their brief encounter
with Andy. But Ivan had regained control of himself a few minutes after Andy
walked away from them. Jake, however, seemed like he was still on autopilot,
his eyes looking strangely far away. Every time Ivan would think of something
to say or ask, he would second guess it and end up not saying anything at all.

After a long dragged out silence, Jake finally spoke and said to the cup,
"He knows about what happened between us."

Ivan tried to smile while he said, "I figured as much."

"No. You don't really understand, Ivan." Jake said anxiously. He looked up
from the cup and saw the confused look on Ivan's face.

"I know exactly what he knows." Jake swallowed before continuing. "I've
known for a while now."

Ivan had become even more bewildered by the situation. "How long is a while?"
He asked cautiously.

Jake averted his gaze from Ivan and concentrated back to the dark liquid
in the cup. "Almost a year."

"What?!" Ivan hissed. "And you didn't even bother to warn me about it
last year? Or maybe, hmm, I don't know, sometime this year?"

"I'm sorry." Jake's said as his voice quivered.

Ivan felt his breathing starting to get faster but he tried to control it.
He did his usual deep breathing to relax himself.

"What exactly happened and how did he know about us?" Ivan asked trying
to keep his voice from rising.

 Jake looked up from the cup to look at Ivan and said, "He saw us."


				******

It was that same night when Ivan had come out to Michael and Alex a year
ago. Alex had gotten really drunk and Ivan had insisted that Michael take
Alex home. He had also thought it would be a nice night to walk home and
think about his life in general. He had just come out to his two best friends
and he had never felt as elated as he was at that moment. He smiled from
ear to ear as he walked down the empty street, never minding that his
only company was himself.

Ivan still couldn't believe how well they had taken it. He had been so surprised
when Alex acted like she already knew he was gay. He thought that they
had been kind of drifting apart as she and Michael had been growing closer
but apparently she knew, or at least noticed. He had to admit it though;
he felt a pang of jealousy after he saw his two best friends getting closer.
But he quickly shook that feeling aside. He should be supportive to them, as
they were to him.

He hadn't gotten that far yet from the party when he heard someone
calling his name out. He turned around and saw Jake Ryan jogging
towards him.

"Hey." Jake greeted him with a smile.

Ivan hadn't really known Jake that well except that they were in the same
grade and he was a new member of the football Team and a friend of Michael's.
So he was really surprised that Jake was running over to see him. But he didn't
mind at all, because Ivan found Jake to be really cute.

"Hi." Ivan greeted back, trying to sound unaffected by his presence.

Jake glanced around before he asked, "Can I talk to you?"

"Yeah, sure." Ivan said unsurely.

Again, Jake checked on all sides. He saw some guys heading in their direction.
"Can we go somewhere else?" He asked.

Ivan nodded and said, "Okay."

Jake led Ivan down a deserted street near a children's playground. He settled
on the pavement  and Ivan followed suit beside him.

Ivan looked at him and saw the other boy deep in thought. He decided
to wait for him to gather his thoughts.

Finally, Jake looked nervously at Ivan and said, "I overheard you talking
to Michael and Alex."

Ivan immediately tensed up. He was definitely glad that he was out to
his best friends but he surely wasn't ready for anyone else to know
about him. Then Ivan thought hopefully that maybe that wasn't the
conversation Jake heard.

"Really, what about?" Ivan said, trying to look nonchalant.

"That you're gay." Jake uttered, looking almost as uncomfortable as Ivan.

Ivan swallowed. "Oh." He said, not knowing how to respond. Jake had
overheard him coming out when he thought no one else was around. Ivan
wondered who else could have overheard?

"And I think maybe so am I." Jake confessed.

Ivan looked at him in surprise. Did Jake just come out to him, he thought.
"You are... too?" Ivan asked, not being able to say the word `gay'.

"I don't know!" Jake said softly. He sounded so defeated. "I've been
struggling with these feelings for a long time and I just..." Jake sighed.
"I don't know what's going on."

"So... You came to me to talk about it?" Ivan asked unsurely.

"Since you're the only other person I know who's gay, yes." He
answered.

"Okay." Ivan said as he mentally prepared himself. It wasn't like he
was a guru of being a gay teenager. He still had plenty of unresolved
issues of his own about his sexuality.

Jake started by opening up about how he had always thought of the
male body as more fascinating than a female body. Ivan nodded and said
he felt the same way. Jake then asked Ivan if he had ever kissed a guy before.

Ivan blushed and mumbled, "No."

 "Same here." Jake said, grinning. Ivan chuckled in relief.

Jake started moving closer to Ivan. "Actually, I was kinda wondering... if you
want to , you know, uhm, try it." When Jake finished his sentence, his face
was only a few inches away from Ivan's.

Ivan was caught off guard by his proposal. Here sitting beside him was this
really good looking guy who was suggesting they kiss. As Jake spoke, his
breath left traces of heat on Ivan's cheek.

"Sure." Ivan said nervously.

Jake looked at Ivan straight in the eye as he moved his lips closer to his.
Ivan felt his spine tingle, causing his body to shiver in anticipation.

Ivan didn't know what to do. Should he meet him halfway, or should he
wait until Jake reached his lips? He saw Jake close his eyes so he decided
to just go with the other boy's lead.

When Jake's soft lips met his, Ivan felt all his senses come alive. He had
to open his eyes to make sure it was all real and sooner than he expected,
Jake released him.

Ivan blinked his eyes. "Uhm," He said, at loss for words.

"Wow." Jake said, grinning.

Ivan chuckled softly and said, "Yeah." He wanted to tell Jake he wanted
to try the kiss again but apparently Jake was already ahead of him.

Jake kissed Ivan again but this time, harder and more passionately. Ivan
moaned when he felt Jake's tongue brush his lips. He opened his mouth
and Jake slid his tongue inside Ivan's mouth.

The two were already caught up in the heat of the moment when Ivan
suddenly realized that they were sitting on a pavement, open for everyone
to see. He gently pushed Jake back to stop him and said, "Wait, Jake.
Someone might see us."

Jake looked around and nodded. "Come with me." He said offering his hand
to Ivan.

Ivan smiled and took the hand. Jake led him to a slide in the playground. Its
ladder was toward the road and in front of it were a couple of trees. Jake
gently pushed Ivan to lay on the slide and began kissing him again with vigor.
Ivan couldn't help but smile inwardly. He decided to be bold and slid his tongue
inside Jake's mouth. Jake who was on top of Ivan began grinding against him.
Ivan's eyes flew open from the pleasure of Jake rubbing on him. Ivan opened
his legs and wrapped them around Jake's hips. Soon, the two boys were
moaning in each other's mouths as they felt the most intense feeling they
had ever felt in their entire life. They held each other tightly as they tried to
catch their breath.

"That was..." Jake finally said, at loss for words.

Ivan smiled and said, "Amazing."

The two boys held their position, just smiling at each other.

"Maybe we should do this again?" asked Jake.

Ivan was surprised so he had to ask. "Really?"

"If you don't mind, of course." Jake added uncertainly.

"Of course." Ivan answered eagerly. "I mean, uh, no. I don't mind."
Ivan chuckled nervously.

"On Monday, after school?" Jake asked. Ivan nodded shyly.

Unbeknownst to the two boys , from behind one of the trees, Andy had
been watching them with a devilish grin on his face as he stopped his cell
phone from recording the video.

				******

Ivan could still perfectly remember that night but he couldn't recall seeing
anyone near them. "So he saw us. If he opens his mouth about it, it will
be his words against ours."

"That's not just it." Jake sighed before he continued. "The next Monday in
school, Andy confronted me and showed me a video on his cellphone."

Ivan raised an eyebrow in inquiry.

"We were in it. He taped the whole thing—the kissing, the groping, everything."
Jake finally revealed.

"What? How did he— Wait." Ivan paused as he tried to wrap his head around
the situation. Andy had a video on his phone of him and Jake—A video of
him kissing another guy. Ivan felt himself calm down as he realized that there
wasn't really any harm in the video. They were just kissing and grinding
against each other. The only thing embarrassing about that video was how
they both came so soon.

Jake couldn't help but see Ivan blush while he was being quiet. "You're
blushing." He pointed out.

"Really?" Ivan asked. "No, I'm not." He quickly lied.

He didn't understand it at the time but seeing Ivan's reaction somewhat
lighten up his mood. "Yes, you are. You were thinking about what we did,
weren't you?"

Ivan's eyes grew and he objected, "I was not!" That made Jake smile.

Noticing how Jake was lightening up, Ivan tried to express his thoughts.
"Maybe it's not that big of a deal—the video." He said.

Jake looked at him as if he was crazy.

"Just hear me out. We know how impulsive Andy is and he could just spread
that video all over town. But there's nothing really much in it except for
us kissing and grinding. I was thinking... What's so bad about it? I mean I'm
already out so..." As soon as he said those words, Ivan realized his mistake.

"What about me?" Jake uttered. "If that video gets out, my life, as pretentious
as it may seem, will be over."

"That might be it Jake. Maybe you should stop pretending and come out
before this video outs you to the entire town." Ivan said as softly as possible.

Jake refused to believe what he was hearing. "And the two outings differ
how? Ivan, it's the same thing whether I self-proclaim my sexuality or this
video shows the world who I really am. Either way, it's still because of
this video. It will still feel like somebody dragged me out of the closet.
Haven't you noticed? I'm not ready yet. I think above all people you should
know what it's like to be forced to come out."

Ivan felt really bad. Jake was right. He knew how it felt like to involuntarily
come out. He wouldn't wish it on anyone else. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

Jake sighed as he massaged the nape of his neck. "It's alright. Can we just
call it a day, Ivan? I suddenly feel so exhausted. I'll just talk to dad about
the permit later at the house."

"Okay. I understand." Ivan said, nodding.


That evening, Jesse hung out at Ivan's house. Both were sitting on the couch;
Jesse was watching the television while Ivan was sipping his second cup of hot
chocolate for the day.

Jesse was laughing at a joke cracked by one of the characters when he
noticed Ivan was unusually quiet. "Hey, Ivan." He softly kicked him from
the other side of the sofa.

Ivan, a little surprised by Jesse, asked, "What's up?"

"Is it Christmas already?" Jesse asked seriously.

Ivan wrinkled his forehead in wonder at Jesse's question. "No."

"Then why are you going all `silent night' on me?" Jesse said and threw
a small pillow that hit Ivan's face.

 Ivan made a face. "That's a terrible joke." He was about to throw the
pillow back at Jesse when he heard knocking on the door.

Jesse grinned as he gestured to the door. "I'm the guest around here."
Ivan rolled his eyes at him and went to the door.

"Chop, chop, Ivan! I forgot to tell you all about my new friend, Mr. Bear."
Jesse called out from the living room.

"Cool! You got a new imaginary friend. Whatever happened to Mr. Wolf?"
Ivan said with a chuckle. Upon opening the door, Ivan was surprised to see
Michael. "Hey, Michael. What are you doing here?" He asked.

"Mr. Bear is not imaginary! He's the guy I've been fucking! And so was Mr. Wolf!"
Jesse shouted. "And those are just their nicknames for discretion!"

Ivan saw the questioning look on Michael's face. "Jesse." He said, rolling his
eyes.

Michael nodded with an amused smile. "Can you tutor me tonight? I have this
quiz in chemistry tomorrow and I totally forgot to ask you this afternoon."
He asked, ending in a weird chuckle.

Ivan detected the nervousness on Michael's voice and found it unusual.
He opened the door all the way, welcoming his friend in.

Jesse saw Michael coming into the room and greeted him. "Hey dude.
`Sup?"

Ivan waved his hands at Jesse's direction. "Don't mind him. He comes
here every time he's bored."

"No, I come here every time because I love you very much." Jesse said
in mock seriousness.

Michael looked at Ivan who was rolling his eyes. "Ivan's tutoring me tonight.
I have this test tomorrow." He mentioned.

Ivan left the room to get his chemistry book and his notes.

"On what class? Maybe I can help." Jesse offered genuinely.

"Chemistry. Thanks but I'm sure I'm gonna be fine.  Ivan's the best tutor
I know." Michael said.

"That's strange..." Jesse said thoughtfully. "Max is your classmate in
chemistry right? I think he told me that his teacher decided to postpone
the quiz until after homecoming."

Ivan had just gotten back to the room to tell Michael that they'd be
Studying in the kitchen when  he heard Jesse. He saw Michael look at
him.

Michael chuckled nervously. "That's funny. I'm pretty sure the quiz is
tomorrow."

Ivan squinted his eyes as he tried to read Michael. "Really? Then Jesse
you need  to call Max now and tell him. We don't want him to come
to class unprepared."

Michael nodded unsurely. "Yeah."

Jesse looked at Ivan as he picked up his cell phone from the coffee table.
Ivan nodded at him.

Michael glanced between the two of them.

Ivan exhaled in exasperation. "Okay. Michael, I think you know that I know
it when you're lying. Why are you really here?"

Michael sighed as he sat down on the arm of the couch. "I just wanted to
check on you."

Jesse stifled a laugh. "Wow. I had no idea Ivan is such a big baby."

Ivan glared at Jesse. "As you can see, I'm doing just fine."

"I just figured since—"

Knowing that Michael was going to mention Andy being back in town, Ivan
cut him off immediately. "I know. But I was just really tired this afternoon
when I talked to you. But I'm okay now." Ivan smiled but his eyes were
pleading for Michael to play along with what he was saying.

A confused look came across Michael's face but he quickly covered it up.
"Oh. Is that so?" Michael said.

"Yeah." Ivan nodded with a big smile on his face, glancing over at Jesse
to see if he looked convinced.

Jesse looked at both of them strangely. It was no wonder that the two
guys grew up together as best friends. Both were such bad liars.

The next morning, Jesse confronted Michael about the secret Ivan was
keeping from him.

"I know you and Ivan are hiding something from me. I want to know what
it is." Jesse said.

Michael almost found it funny how serious Jesse was being. "It's none of
your business."

"Yes it is." Jesse said firmly.

"No it isn't." Michael tried to sound stronger.

"Yes it is." Jesse repeated.

"No it isn't. How long are we gonna play this game?"

"Tell me or I'll kiss you." Jesse said quickly.

"What?" Michael asked, unsure if he heard him correctly.

"What?" Jesse asked back.

"You said that you'll kiss me if I didn't tell you." Michael answered.

Jesse smirked. "Why? Do you want me to kiss you?" He wiggled his eyebrows.

 Michael looked at Jesse strangely. "What is wrong with you?" He said and
walked away. Jesse, however, wasn't a quitter and was quickly behind him.

"Will you just tell me?" Jesse persisted.

"No." Michael made sure it sounded final.

"Dude, c'mon. I thought we were cool." Jesse said.

There was something in Jesse's voice that made Michael stop and reconsider.
"Okay. But you have to swear that you didn't hear this from me." He said.

Jesse nodded. "I swear."

Michael gestured for Jesse to follow him. He led him to the journalism
classroom where the old yearbooks were stored. Picking up last year's
book he flipped through the pages until he came to a picture of Andy
 Pearson. "I know you know all about the football asshole who forced Ivan
to out himself last year? Well, he's back in town for homecoming and there's
no telling what he would do to torment Ivan again. His name is Andy Pearson
and this is what he looks like."

Jesse looked at the picture and with a shock, recognized him immediately.
 "Mr. Bear!"



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Finally after a long time of waiting! I hope you guys liked this chapter.
How about that? Andy Pearson is Jesse's Mr. Bear. Hmmm. Maybe it's just a
case of mistaken identity. or better yet, Andy has a gay twin brother that
he doesn't know about! LOL. Thanks for reading! Watch out for the next chapter!

Thanks again to Mr. Dennis S for editting my work and for those who aren't still
members of the facebook readers' page, We have lots of room for you guys. If you
want to join, here's the link:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/ISBreaders/

Thanks! Keep on reading :)