Date: Sun, 31 Oct 2010 13:48:57 -0400
From: Jade <phantomscorpio77@gmail.com>
Subject: Gay/High School : If You Could Read My Mind 17

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>>).:.(<<


If You Could Read My Mind


>>).:.(<<

A week after his encounter with Bailey, Neville is still confused, "Hey
Josh, does Bailey like, uh, you know, ever talk about me to you?  He went
all berserk on me last week, and I can't figure out what he meant by some
of it. "

"Sorry dude.  You never come up and I don't ask.  I have to work with him.
It's hard some days when I work with him and Brooke.  They don't talk at
all or even look at each other.  Dude, I'm just there for a paycheque, I'm
not touching your baby drama."

"Oh, gotcha.  Sorry you have to put up with that because of me."

"So what are the chances of you making it out to a morning game of shiny?
We can leave your stuff in the team dressing room."

"No can do.  I've got the stuff stashed away behind the little attendants
counter in the bowling alley, and the bag I keep in the other part of the
basement there is my cover.  Instead of a hockey bag it's actually my
closet."

"No one ever goes down there anyways.  They'll never know."

As open and honest as they've become with each other, Neville doesn't want
to tell Josh his real reason, `I smell again.  I'm wearing all last year's
clothes and everyone's back to calling me bag-boy.  But what's worse is
along with everyone deciding I'm a fag, they're saying you broke up with
Kelsey because there's something between you and me.  They won't say it
when you're around, but to someone like me, they'll say it right to my face
and laugh.'

Josh gets an uneasy feeling over the course of the week that Neville is
starting to give up.  All afternoon it plays on his mind as his teachers
lessons are in one ear and out the other.  Slowly the connection fit in
place and he decides to take action.  After school he blows off his friends
Aaron and James and heads to Neville's church for a discussion with
reverend Francis.

"Excuse me ma'am, Reverend?"

"Hello young sir.  How may I guide you?"  Reverend Francis asks.

"Oh, I thought you were Nev's Reverend.  Could you guide me to Reverend
Francis, please," Josh corrects himself.

"Yes, that's me.  I meant guide as in spiritually," Ingrid Francis drops
all formality and sits hard on a pew, "Was that Neville Reilly you
mentioned?  Dear Lord, please tell me he's alright."

"He's alright, but he's not.  You know?  And I don't know what to do or who
to talk to.  You're the only person I can think of because he told me you
know a lot of things."

"Slow down child, what's wrong?" Ingrid asks.

"He's so sad lately.  It's like he's giving up, and I don't know how to
help him.  Can you help me?"

"I can only try.  You must be Josh, the one who's kindness always confuses
him.  Let's see if together we can ease his journey."

>>).:.(<<

"You're just a mean old teacher prattling on and don't care," Megan states
under her breath to Mrs. MacLoed.

Catching Megan's statement, Helen MacLeod turns around, "Thank you
Ms. Flannigan.  You can think on that more in the office, and you are to
stay there until I speak with you after this class.  On your way now."

After sending Megan to the office Helen has a hard time focussing on the
lesson she is presenting.  Megan's words rattle her to the core because
she's been watching Neville more closely than ever, but in truth she has
stopped getting involved.  At the sound of the bell, Helen holds up some
random handed-in assignments as a cover and calls out, "Mr. Regan,
Mr. Wharton, a moment with you two, please."

Helen buzzes the office and has Megan sent back to her class room.  Closing
the door, she starts, "I know I'm just a mean old teacher who you think
doesn't care, but look at yourselves.  I have it on good authority that a
less fortunate friend of yours just turned eighteen.  He celebrated it by
lighting a candle for himself in a church.  Alone."

""I don't think that our personal business is any of yours," Megan
protests, being the only one with the courage to speak up.

"No, you're quite right.  I am overstepping my bounds here, but you of all
people Ms. Flannigan?  This winter, when you joined my class, you
single-handedly pulled Neville out of his shell like no one else has.  I'm
sure his affection for you, Mr. Regan, had something to do with it too."

Bailey's eyes bulge.

"Don't be naive Bailey.  It was clear as day, to a teacher that obviously
doesn't care about her students, that you had taken over for Josh as his
heart's desire.  I never get the whole picture from my sister, who by the
way is his Reverend, but I've learned enough of it.  I don't know what he's
ventured to share with any of you so I'll be blunt.  Bailey, he has a
crippling fear of rejection that stems from his abandonment.  To see him
finally grow earlier this year was exciting to say the least."

"He's not my problem anymore."

"Yes, I gather you two broke up.  Again, I'm just a mean old teacher who
doesn't know or care about her students, but I'm certain it has something
to do with your sister's pregnancy.  Well I can tell you this much.  Trust
me; he never wanted to become a father because he doesn't want to put a
child through what he's gone through.

Bailey, I'm reaching out to you because I believe you have the capacity to
understand that with his beaten psyche, an advance for sex, even with a
girl, is too much for him.  As much as he wanted to stop it, he became a
passenger trapped inside his own body.  That's not an excuse, his or mine,
as I've never spoken directly with him about it.  I've studied teenagers
enough to know however, that after all the name-calling and spit balls and
God only knows what else he's endured here for two years, the sudden
acceptance that someone desires him would be too much.

He's sceptical to a fault, but your affection sent him on a better path.
It literally changed his whole outlook and he wasn't prepared for the
friendship or the affection you offered him.  His fragile ego tried to keep
up, but he's a very deliberate young man.  He wasn't able to cope with all
the emotions he'd once shut down suddenly flooding back into him.  It
sounds like an excuse but I'd stake my career on my reasoning.  That
someone desired him enough for sex, the ultimate acceptance after all the
rejection he's faced, he couldn't say no."

Partly standing, partly sitting on a desk, Bailey shifts his body to fully
sitting and turns so that Josh and Megan can't see his tears.  Sorrow and
regret overwhelm him even more than his hurt and anger over the betrayal.
Every day he feels a pang in his chest when he sees Neville, but having his
concerns vocalized by someone else makes them all too real to ignore.

 Josh can't sit still.  His decision to approach Reverend Francis kicked
this whole ball of yarn into motion and now that it's rolling, he just
hopes it's rolling in the right direction and doesn't unravel.  He knows
Neville is going to be mad at the slight betrayal of trust, but he doesn't
know what to do anymore.  Being a friend doesn't seem to be enough lately.

Watching her words sink into Bailey, Helen speaks gently to drive them
home, "What I know for a fact from my sister is that he wanted to say no,
and he hates himself for not being strong enough to resist the flattery
he'd been presented.  It's a demon he's accepted, and fatherhood is
something he has more reverence to than a boy his age should, based on the
situation he fled from.  Just what that situation is, I have only my
assumptions.  I'm sure my sister knows a whole lot more, but it was her
choice to agree to keep his burdens between him, herself, and God.

What I need to stress here Bailey, without dumping this on your shoulders,
is that you have no idea how badly he's beaten himself up over his betrayal
to you, even before you knew of it.  He sees the child as a blessing, more
for your sister and Megan, and as a purpose for himself.  Yet, as much as
he wants to do right by you all and even more so for the child, his
betrayal of you is eating him away inside."

Bailey tries to compose himself, "I know.  We've figured that out, but it
doesn't change things.  Can we go now?"

"Can you be his friend despite what he's done?  He's not emotionally ready
for a boyfriend, but he needs another friend or two again.  I've worried
over him for two years, but never as much as now.  I'm worried about him
now more than ever."

"Really?  I mean like, no disrespect or anything, but what do you know
about him.  'Cause sometimes it hits me that I dated him and love him, and
I still don't know the first thing about him."

"For starters, he tries to intimidate people with his intellect.  He's very
well read and you all shy away from him when he purposely talks over you.
Over the three years he's been in my class I've followed his rollercoaster;
the more he draws into himself, the more he hides behind big words."

Josh shakes his head vehemently in agreement, "Tell me about it!"

"He has run very hot and cold on you Josh, from what I've seen over time.
But you are the only person that grounds him.  Somewhere in between
blushing when he gets caught checking you out, and hating his station in
life, he placed a high value on your constant, passive friendship."

"Oh no, I'm not gay Mrs. Mac," Josh defends before realising the disgust
that carried in his voice and that it's not what Mrs. MacLeod was saying in
the first place, "Not that it's a bad thing, being gay.  Sorry Bailey.  You
know I don't care right?"

It always stings, but Bailey decides not to show it.

Megan cuts in, "And it only bothers us slightly that you're straight Josh.
Get over yourself!  I've fallen into a real-life episode of Degrassi here.
Okay, so what's the deal with Nev, Mrs. M?  What are we supposed to do?"

"Along the Degrassi lines, I'm risking my career to speak so candidly with
you.  Megan, clearly I know enough of the situation between you and Brooke,
and that Neville is the father-to-be of your child.  I also know that as
the day gets closer, the only thing in his life that has any value to him
at the moment is your forgiveness, Bailey.  I truly agree with Josh that
Neville's regret is getting close to letting that child be born without a
father."

"How do you know?  Did he tell you?  Did he ask you to talk to me?"

"No.  Not to boost my own ego, but Neville marvels at the hidden signs I
see in things.  It surprises him with child-like wonder when someone
pierces his facade.  While I don't believe he's counting on my perception,
I am convinced he's wordlessly telling us that he's giving up."

Bailey agrees, "That's so him.  That's so totally him.  Like how he says
something without ever really saying it, dancing around it until he knows
you understand what he's really saying.  Or how he admits to something by
not objecting to or denying it, but still without ever using words to admit
it.  That's exactly what he's doing."

 "Bailey, you go tell Pancakes what you want to, before he offs himself.
Tell him he hurt you badly but you've forgiven him.  Tell him how much you
miss him and that you don't think you can handle sleeping together again
just yet, but you do want him back as a friend and a boyfriend.  I've
forgiven him, and Brooke.  It's time for you too.  And c'mon, you know
you're at least a little happy that he's the father our little Eli."

"Oh my God!  It's a boy?" Bailey reveals his excitement before trying to
take it back, "I mean, good.  Whatever."

"I told Brooke not to tell me, that I couldn't keep my mouth shut, but she
wouldn't listen.  Yeah, it's a boy."

Bailey's happy that Neville is the father in many ways, but he still
doesn't want to let on that he's in the least bit happy or excited about
the coming child.  He tries to change the subject back to Neville, another
resolve he's wavering on, "I don't know.  Every time I see Nev I don't know
what to say, and he runs away."

Josh's ears instantly perked a moment ago at the mention of the name Eli
and his head has since been elsewhere.  He remembers Neville confessing so
long ago that Eli was his real name.  With a smile he playfully punches
Bailey, "Know how to save his life?  Tell him you're happy he's going to be
Eli's father.  The combination will stop him dead in his tracks."

Megan grabs Josh by his solid shoulders and shakes him, "What do you know?
Spill!  You know the significance of the name don't you?"

"Are you going to use it for sure?"

"Yeah.  He asked Brooke to, just hours after they fucked.  Oops, earmuffs
Mrs. M?  He asked that if they did get her pregnant to use Eli if it was a
boy.  She's haunted by the look on his face and how emotional he got when
he asked her.  The name grew on her and now she won't hear of anything
else.  What do you know about it?"

"Well, he's legal now either way, so I guess it's okay.  I can't tell you
more than this because I promised him, but Eli's his birth name.  Besides,
I honestly don't remember the rest.  I swear.  No word of a lie, I totally
forgot even that until you just said it, but his real name from his old
life is Eli.  I'm sure of that."

Helen MacLeod tries to dig, "That's correct.  What else do you know, Josh?
Where does he live?  Who does he live with?  Despite the fact he hasn't
been by the church recently, he's told my sister a lot, much more than she
can ever reveal because she's bound by the cloth to keep his secrets.  But
I'm not bound by them.  I can help."

"He's good, Ma'am.  I really don't know that much, but what he did tell me
once, he promised to jump off the Confederation Bridge and kill himself if
I told anyone.  He meant it too.  He was really freaking me out so I'm not
sharing anything more.  He didn't really tell me much more anyways, other
than he's thankful for the life he's had.  I mean the life he has now, not
the one he ran away from.  At the time he actually didn't hate his life at
all.

Oh, and he didn't do anything bad, before he ended up the way he is now.  I
don't remember if he actually said it or not, but he made sure I knew it
was only because he's gay.  Then he tried to take it all back the next day,
even the part about being gay, but I could see he was just trying to save
face, because he was sporting the world's biggest hickey from Bailey that
day!  He's going to be pissed at me for this."

"Then put it all on me.  He's always been the stray cat with me, coming
close for attention from time to time and then skittering away, worried
I'll find out the truth.  When I caught him returning a book he stole his
first year, curiosity got the best of me and I went to pull his records
from the office.  He was in the computer, but only his marks for his
subjects in grade 9 were entered.  All his information had been sent from
his old school, but was in a miscellaneous pile due to the name
discrepancy.  It didn't take long to piece together which file was his and
get his real name, his address, his list of scholastic awards.

Calls to his parents went un-returned.  Speaking with a faculty member at
his old school confirmed that he had left to live with family, but I got a
sense that was suspect.  I went to a friend at child services, but he
cautioned me to let things be.  Sending a child home under those conditions
never turns out well.  Conversely, for a boy like Neville, if he is a
street kid or living with a kind stranger, he would be better off.  With
top marks in your class, the respect to return a book that tempted him,
even having read the book without so much as adding a mark to it, with his
sexuality, a foster home would simply chew him up and spit him out.  He's
too fragile and sensitive; too good a person to have to fight back daily.

As long as he's eating and functioning, and not only motivated to attend
school but keeping his grades higher than anyone else in the school, I was
cautioned to let him be and merely help in small ways.  Easier said than
done; it took weeks alone for Josh to convince him to simply wear a coat
some of the faculty bought for him!  I have to say, I believe his
infatuation with you Bailey, and Megan's incessant attempt to befriend him
had such a buoying effect on him."

"Why didn't he ever tell me any of this?  Like, maybe he roundabout told me
some of it, but is he really homeless?  You said he wasn't, Josh!"

"I told you, he's not homeless.  He has a home, and everything he could
need.  Bathroom, shower, bed, privacy, heat and light.  He doesn't eat like
a king, but he only ever eats healthy food, and a ton of it nowadays too.
And if he acts like a cat to you Mrs. Mac, it's probably because he has a
cat too.  A cute little thing named Mr. Whiskers.  He's such a cat person,
and a sucker for strays.  Before Mr. Whiskers he had Miss Kitty at work,
until he quit."

Remembering Neville's stray cat, Bailey's emotional wall collapses, "I'm
going to tear him a strip when I see him!"

Mrs. MacLeod cautions, "Bailey, he's hurt, he's defeated.  If you do, he
very well could make good on his promise to Josh and jump the bridge.  His
back is in a corner.  If it's all he has, he may see suicide as his only
way to show you how sorry he is for what he's done.  Not only is he in line
for class valedictorian, he's looking like the top candidate for an award
from the Premier's office given to the top ten students in the province,
and even possibly a Governor General's scholarship that is only given to
the very brightest in the country.  He clearly wants to make something of
his life, but it could all derail over his remorse towards you.  All
because he still loves you."

Josh drapes an arm over Bailey, "Dude, no matter how pissed you may still
be at him, one little hug from you will save his life!  Think about the
power you hold in your hands.  What would Yoda do?  Be the bigger man and
hug him or kiss him, and tell him you forgive him and you're happy he's the
father-to-be of Eli.  I know he's excited about being a father, but lately
I do believe the only thing he cares about in his life is making things
right with you.  I wish I'd seen it before.  Just watch out, he's likely to
throw a punch or two."

Bailey smiles at Josh's reference to the Jedi Master, "Fine, you hold him
then.  You're stronger than me.  I'll kiss him and tell him that.  He has
to know I do still love him, doesn't he?"

Megan scowls and starts tapping her foot, "Stupid boys.  Even the gay ones
are emotionally retarded.  I don't think he knows.  In fact I know he
thinks you hate him with your every fibre."

"He's so blind."

Mrs. MacLeod agrees, "Precisely.  Unlike Megan's stereotype, he is somewhat
stunted.  He is both mentally and emotionally scarred by his past, and now
he doesn't know how to trust his feelings.  That's about all Ingrid will
shed any light on to me about him.  He doesn't believe you can still love
him."

"Well duh," Megan interrupts before kicking Bailey in the leg, "Quite
frankly Bailey, you haven't given him any indication that he's wrong."

Feeling conflicted, Bailey raises his voice, "Why is this even about me?
All the teachers getting together and telling me `have sex with Neville to
save his life' sort of freaks me out!  I don't want any of these people
knowing I want to have sex with guys!  Now my teachers know it!  My
teachers!"

Megan throws her head back incredulously, "Calm down boy!  This became a
thing about you when we had to move here after you decided you did want
people knowing that you want to have sex with guys.  Remember?  And
besides, I'm sure your gym teacher knew you like the boys on your first
day."

"That's not something we discuss Bailey.  Like I said earlier, I can lose
my job for getting involved.  Putting Neville into the system wasn't the
right thing either.  Now that Davis Millar is gone, I could lose my job for
keeping my question of his home secret, and indicating otherwise to the
school.  Yet I do stand by my decision to dupe the powers-that-be.  I'm not
asking you to have sex with him or get back together with him, all I'm
asking is that you look within yourself and find the strength and courage
to tell him you forgive him, even if you don't.  Every time you look at
your nephew will be a reminder of your kindness or hardness of heart
towards Neville here today."

>>.:.(<<

The following weekend, while sitting on a planter box and waiting for
Neville to come out from his job at the pharmacy, Bailey constantly
reconsiders what he's doing, `I'm an all or nothing guy.  I do want Neville
back in my life badly, but I just don't see how it will happen.  No matter
what he does, I'll never fully trust him again for the betrayal and the
secrecy.  Likewise, I'm sure he'll never fully open up to me anyways.'

As the argument wages in his head, he's surprised when Neville comes around
the corner from a rear entrance with a zip-lock container of leftover food.

Neville is just as startled as he tries to hide the obvious food container
behind his back and spits, "Here because all of sudden you're worried about
me too, or is something wrong with Brooke?"

"Brooke's fine.  She's happy now that I'm talking to her.  She's still a
bitch though, so go with your first instinct."

Neville looks away from Bailey, "At least you don't deny it."

Bailey gets up from the planter box, "Nev, we all hurt.  Maybe it's time we
hurt together?"

Neville starts walking, "Uh, no.  Screw this intervention.  I mean really,
what the hell are you people, der Gestapo?"

"What?"

Realising he can't head to his illegal home in Bailey's basement, Neville
heads towards the arena.  To Bailey's question he repeats, "Der Gestapo."

"Yeah, I hear you.  You can say it even louder and slower if you want but I
still don't know what you're saying."

"The Nazi's super-secret internal police.  They were like the witch-hunters
within their own military.  Remember that book last year, Animal Farm?  It
inspired some of us to learn more history.  Anyways, this is just some pity
party because of Mrs. MacLeod isn't it?"

"Word is you're suicidal, it makes a guy realize how selfish and petty he
is.  I'm sorry I've been an ass to you."

"Don't be.  You have every right to feel betrayed.  As for the suicide
thing?  I do believe in natural selection; if someone truly feels the only
happiness they can achieve in their life is in their death, who are we to
judge them?  I think it's sad that people can be driven to that by other
people.  Don't worry your heart of gold over me though.  Yeah, I'm sad,
depressed maybe, but I don't plan on checking out any time soon.

Things are shitty, but I have a pact with The Man upstairs that He's only
going to see my sorry ass before His gates when He decides I'm done with
this life, and not a second sooner.  God as my witness, I'm going to atone
for my trespasses with every wondrous day I'm given on this blessed earth.
I will do some good here before I check out."

"So faith in your religion gets you by?"

"No.  Faith in me gets me by.  Religion is just a presence in my life."

"Oh.  C'mon, lets head to my place, or do you hate me now?"

"No, but I got a lot of homework dumped on me Friday, and I still have to
work on some."

"Okay.  Well, I tried."

"Fuck Bailey, don't do this all over again, okay?  Please?  I'm not giving
you the brush off.  Having two weekend jobs and four intense courses
doesn't give a guy much time when all four of my teachers decide to hit me
with assignments on the same weekend."

"How about you come by when you're done, or do you think it'll be after you
clean the arena?"

"No, it'll be before then.  I don't do that anymore."

"Oh.  Well are you going to come by mine or do I come with you?"

"Home is even more complicated now, and I need a few good hours without
distraction.  Definitely your place."

"Come over tonight then.  To talk," Bailey says and turns to head home.

"Bailey?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks.  I've missed you so much.  Tonight.  I'll be there."

>>).:.(<<

Climbing the fire escape with Bailey watching him, Neville feels like he's
walking up his personal gallows.  Getting to the top he smiles, "You're
looking all bad-ass in your Star Wars pyjama pants and dangling a
cigarette."

Pulling at the pants to try and hide any outline of his crotch through the
material in a futile attempt, Bailey defends his pyjamas, "Hey, don't be
hating The Phantom Menace.  I'm a believer that it's part of the story that
had to be told.  If Episode 2 sucks, then maybe.  But it's George Lucas,
there's just no way it can possibly suck."

"Batman's still better," Neville says under his breath.

Stepping inside, Bailey whispers, "You're sleeping on the pull out for that
one!"

"Oh.  I didn't know I was sleeping over, I didn't bring anything to sleep
in.  It's hard to know what you have in mind nowadays.  And if I'm staying
over, the pullout is better anyways.  At least until we figure out where we
are and where we're going.  Plus, it's easier for you to hide me if you
decide to kill me in my sleep."

"I didn't say it earlier, I've missed you too.  Badly," Bailey professes as
he hands Neville a pair of shorts.

As Bailey slips under his covers, Neville steps out of his jeans and slides
the shorts over his tattered boxers.  He takes his tee-shirt off but leaves
on his long sleeve shirt, "It's cold. I'm leaving this on."

Bailey lifts his blanket, "Warm up with me.  I can see you've put on some
more weight, and as you can see, so have I.  If you don't mind cuddling up
with a fat guy, I wouldn't mind you wrapping your healthy body around me.
Maybe get to see what I can't have, now that you have some muscles over
your bones.  It looks like you've grown taller since before the summer
too."

"Yeah I have; it's seriously got to stop soon.  I was six foot six when
Josh measured me for kicks.  Dad was only six-four I think, and Little Mike
was maybe an inch more.  As for you, you're still cute and sexy and
adorable to me."

"Enough that you can hold me just tonight and then we can go work on being
just friends?"

"I guess we can cuddle, but nothing more.  I'm going to beat it into your
thick skull one way or another.  You can do better than me, I don't deserve
you."

"No, you're right, you don't.  But Little Eli's dad should at least be
friends with his uncle."

"Eli?"

Bailey lightly hugs Neville, "Oh yeah, that would be your son who'll soon
be with us."

Neville breaks down crying, "Really?  A boy?  They're going to name him
Eli?"

"Yeah.  Damn, you feel good.  Maybe someday...ah, never mind.  Just be good
and keep your hands to yourself?"

"I'm too afraid to touch you now.  I don't ever want you to hurt again
because of me.  I swear to God Almighty, I won't touch you.  When you wake
in the morning you'll be alone and unmolested," he says, then repeats, "A
boy!"

"Yeah, a boy.  So, I guess it's also a good thing we didn't celebrate your
phony birthday right before you went away for the summer, seeing as it was
really sometime just recently."

"Yeah, November 22nd.  I had to dance around that with you before I left.
Now I'm finally eighteen for real, and my own legal guardian for the rest
of my life.  That one was truly a lie.  Sorry."

"Lots of white lies and half truths later, I have to admit I'm curious what
your real story is."

"Give me some time, I'll give you the whole story.  For now you know bits
and pieces, like you're solving a rebus."

"A what now?"

"Rebus.  A picture puzzle.  Like you name for instance could be a bale of
hay and then there would be a plus sign and then an E.  When you sound it
out you get your name."

"Oh yeah, one of them things.  I think you're more like a jigsaw puzzle to
me, complete with missing pieces."

"We'll change that.  I swear on my life.  For now, in case you're wondering
where it comes from, Eli's my birth name.  I liked the name, but it doesn't
fit on me anymore.  Since I left home, I really feel like I am Neville now.
In the morning we'll talk some more, let's just watch the rest of your
T.V. show and then I'll crash on your couch.  I have to get up early to hit
home and grab a change of clothes before school though; do you want me to
wake you before I go?"

"Na, maybe I'll hang with Josh and you in the weight room at lunch if
that's cool?"

"Uh, yeah, Cool!"

[to be continued]