Date: Thu, 3 Dec 2009 17:13:07 -0500
From: J Bark <jbark217@gmail.com>
Subject: Ignorance

Ignorance isn't always bliss

	He was one of my closest friends and I knew for a long time that we
were closer than most of his other friends were with him. I had turned to
him at hard time in my life, and we bonded closely. He was one of my best
friends if not my best friend. We got to see each other at school, and we
managed to retain our friendship outside of school. It was my favorite
times when we were just out in the city, doing absolutely nothing. It was
great.
	He was older than me, about two years. He was tall with brown hair
and dark strong brown eyes. There were times where it took a look from him
to realize that I would be okay, I had siblings but he was the closest
thing to a good brother that I have ever had. That is Jesse; he is my best
friend and my brother. My own hair was dark, and my eyes were soft blue,
his height was something that made him seem even more protective of me. He
was my best friend, until I met her. Her hair was long and dark, and her
eyes were a piercing blue. Her name was Erica, and she was the first girl
that had actively pursued my affection. She caught me off guard and I fell
for her hard, so that's how I became her boyfriend, and a devoted one at
that. I was spending so much time with her that I actually emailed Jesse
one day just to let him know why I hadn't been able to spend so much time
with him. I felt bad that I could spend more time with him, and we did
spend time with together, just not what we had been spending.
	At 15, I was eager to please my new girl friend. I was doing
everything that I could to make her happy, and even telling Jesse that I
couldn't spend time with him because of her. She was jealous of any time
that wasn't given to her, but when we were together she showed me a certain
affection that I loved and desired. The first time they met was a strange
moment, they didn't exactly hit it off and I learned to just not bring him
up.
	"Hi." He held out his hand to her. She took it confusedly. Jesse
was a very proper person when he tried to impress people. He usually was
excessively polite, something that made me smile. As he shook her hand he
looked at me with his eyes slightly narrowed, a look of questioning. Most
people wouldn't notice it, but I knew him well.
	"Jesse, Erica, Erica, Jesse." I said quickly. I wanted them to be
good friends, seeing as they were both very important to me.
	"Nice to meet you." He said with a smile.
	"Ditto." She said with a raised eyebrow. She was looking back and
forth between the two of us and finally smiled, almost with a laugh.
	"Jesse is the one that made the bracelet for me." I held up my
wrist and showed the string bracelet that he had made during a Sunday
school class one day. I wore it when I was around him because I knew it
made him smile to see it on me.
	"Oh, did you make it so it can come off?" She said as she fingered
my bracelet.
	"Nope." He said pleasantly. "If he wants it off, he'll have to cut
it off." He laughed, it made me laugh too.
	The day continued and when we finally left, she turned to me.
	"So is he gay?" She asked blatantly.
	"What? I have no idea. What does it matter?"
	"I don't want him hitting on my boyfriend." That was one of the
first times she had claimed me as her boyfriend and ignored the rest of the
conversation.
       She joined me at Youth Group, which Jesse was a part of, he seemed
really happy for me, but one time there was a moment that I was caught in a
strange flow of anger.
	"Hey Jesse!" I called as I walked in pulling Erica with me.
	"Hey bro." He clasped my hand and we threw our free hand around
each other and exchanged a hug.  "Erica." He nodded at her with a smile.
	"Jesse." She sounded a bit cold, but I just ignored it. Taking her
hand we all chatted for a few minutes. It always comforted me that no
matter how distant or close we were that he would make eye contact with me
and give me that over whelming comfort. I smiled.
	"So how'd you guys like the movie?" He paid so much attention, and
listened so much that it amazed me sometimes. I had only barely told him
that we would be late tonight because of us going to see a movie.
	"It was good." I said. He smiled and turned to Erica, he knew that
she would have more interest in the particular movie, as did he.
	"How about you?"
	"It was great." She seemed to be caught off guard that he was being
so nice.
	"C'mon, we're doing something in the other room." Jesse patted me
on the shoulder and led the way.
	The activity went well, and we had lots of fun. Erica was even
starting to be nice to Jesse, and everyone was getting along great. It was
as we were leaving that everything changed. I was getting into Erica's car
as he was getting into his.
	"Hey, we need to hang out soon." He called over his hood.
	"Yea. Real soon." I smiled and called back.
	"Well he's pretty busy all week." Erica stepped in with a false
smile. I was taken aback with the way she had just threw that out there
without even looking at me.
	"Erica." I said but it was the last straw for Jesse.
	"You need to back off, he is still his own person and can make up
his mind who he wants to hang with and when." Jesse slammed his car door
and walked around the end of his car. "Since you guys started dating you
have pulled him away from me every way you can, and I'm sick of it."
	"You're just jealous." She taunted at him. I had no idea what had
just happened and I stood there stunned. What was she talking about, and I
had no idea that he felt this excluded, I needed to fix this.
	"Jealous of what, of you? He's like my brother, and you've turned
him into your bitch." Jesse said harshly. Did he just call me a bitch? I
was so entirely confused right now and fairly certain that he had just
called me a bitch. I wasn't dumb by any means but I was conflicted right
now and felt rather stupid. I generally was very quick, and able to keep up
in the most heightened conversations among my peers, but I loved both of
these people, in different ways of course, and I was torn in who to
support.
	"Get in the car, Aaron." Erica looked at me and with that I threw a
confused look at Jesse and slipped into his car. Jesse threw his hands up,
got into his car and sped off before Erica had even calmed down. She drove
slowly through the parking lot and then turned on to the main road before
she spoke.
	"Aaron, why do you continue to hang out with him?" She asked.
	"He's my best friend. Why don't you like him?" I decided to be as
blatant as she normally was.
	"I don't like him because he's not good for you. He likes you." She
said.
	"Of course he does. He's my best friend, I hope he likes me." I
said, being slightly naïve, I had a feeling I knew what she meant, but I
wanted to ignore it. I don't know why but I had always wanted to make my
family happy, wanted to make them proud of me.
	"No. You really are being stupid. He like likes you." She said
angrily.
	"You're crazy." I said defensively.
	"Don't call me crazy."
	"Don't call me stupid." I retorted.
	"You're right, I'm sorry."
	"Ditto." I said callously.
	"But still, he does like you. Perhaps even more. I don't want you
to see him anymore." She said with control in her voice.
	"You can't ask me to do that. I will not stop being his friend." I
said hurt.
	"Well I don't want to you to be hurt. And your mine." She said. I
didn't like her tone anymore; it was beginning to aggravate me. Jesse would
never talk to me like this no matter how angry he was. I wanted to be
riding with him right now, he would try and calm me down, protect me. "You
can't tell me that you don't see it!" She said.
	"Yea I can, because I don't see it."
	"Aaron! His gaze lingers, his touch is gentle...he smiles only at
you. Your smile makes him smile; he cares for you, more than just a
friend. Think about it, before you started dating me, you guys hung out a
lot. Think about how often he would just smile at you, or just listen. Guys
don't do that...guys hardly ever listen."
	I shook my head; she really was crazy, and apparently sexist. I
didn't feel like pointing either of these out to her, but continued to
think silently. Thinking back through the last few years, I had painted him
as just really friendly, really caring. It was true he was, but did he go
out of his way for me? How often had I asked him to do something and he
said yes without hesitation, how often had he paid for me, how often had we
gone out just because we wanted to be together?

< * * * >

	She had dropped me off at my house only a few minutes after that
conversation ended and I had instantly gone to my room. I had no one to
discuss this with; Jesse was the person that I would have gone to, had it
not been about him. I was forced to figure this out myself, so I decided to
handle this one myself.
	Going to school the next day was hard, I saw both of them and
wanted to ignore both of them. Erica was easy, but one look in Jesse's eyes
and I knew that I would be done, so I avoided him altogether. As I was
heading for lunch, he sat down at a table near me and smiled up at me. I
boldly spun around and went to sit in one of my teacher's room to avoid
him. The only problem is that one of them had to be my ride home. I decided
at this present moment, Jesse would be the lesser of the two evils, seeing
as I was still sort of upset with Erica.
	"Hey Jesse." I stood behind him at his locker.
	"Hey." Not his normal cheery greeting.
	"Would you mind if I bummed a ride home today?" I asked cautiously.
	"What about that girl of yours, she doesn't seem to like us hanging
out together?" He said sharply.
	"I need a breather from her, plus I don't care what she says about
us, you're still my best friend." I said strongly.
	He turned around with a simple smile on his face, trying to figure
out of I meant it or not. I tried to keep his gaze, but as we stared all
the thoughts from last night came flooding back, I flushed and looked
away. He put his arm on my shoulder, and I looked up at him, he was still
smiling. I smiled.
	"Would I ever tell you no?" My eyes squinted in almost disbelief
but I smiled despite myself.
	"I guess not." We walked out together, side by side. When we got to
his car he took my back pack from me and tossed it into his trunk.
	"Thanks."
	"Anytime." He smiled again. Did he do that a lot? Or just to me?
	Driving out of the lot was the easy part; there was enough going on
to distract us both from conversation. Then we hit the open road, it was a
relatively long drive to my house, so the conversation seemed to hang in
the air.
	"I'm sorry about last night, I shouldn't have argued with Erica."
He said. Were I in his shoes I would have definitely blasted myself for not
stopping Erica, but Jesse, seemed to want my forgiveness.
	"Apology not accepted." I said. He snapped his head at me for an
instance and then back to the road. I smiled despite myself.
	"I...I don't..." He began.
	"No. It's not accepted because it's not required. Erica was out of
line last night. You were right to defend our relationship." The word had
come out before I had considered it. Was I just imagining the red that was
creeping up his cheeks? Was he glancing at me nervously? "I should have
said something, too."
	"She's your girl friend, Aaron. That's a hard place to be put in."
	"Yea." I said defeated. Him reminding me that she was my girlfriend
seemed to have knocked all of my curiosity about him out of my mind.
	"Can I ask you a personal question?" He said tentatively.
	"Of course." I said honestly.
	"You guys have been dating for really close to a year now." I
nodded. "Do you love her?" The question caught me off guard and my head
automatically turned toward the window, thinking. Did I?
	"I don't know." I said, the most truthful answer I could give right
then.
	"Okay." He said with an almost sigh.


< * * * >

	Gracious, Erica had said all of this to me. She could see
something, and now she had me thinking that I could see it too! This was
getting slightly ridiculous, and I didn't know what to do about it. I knew
that Jesse was my best friend, and had been for the past three years. We
were close, but how close did he want to be? How close did I want to be?
Thoughts that I had never dreamed of were flying through my head right now,
and were penetrated by the buzzing of something on my desk. My phone was
flashing.
	"Hey Erica." I said as I answered the phone.
	"Hey babe, how are you? I missed you at school today." She said
sweetly.
	"I was there." I said slowly expecting an onslaught.
	"Oh really? How'd you get home? The bus?" She said skeptically.
	"No Jesse." I said with a deep breath.
	"Really Aaron? After our conversation? Do you not believe me." I
chuckled despite the seriousness of the question.
	"Actually, I think I'm starting to believe you." I said honestly.
	"Good, then you'll stop hanging out with him."
	"Well, no. Through all of this...a lot of what I've been thinking
about...was 'us'" I said with emphasis on the us.
	"Good, I'm all you need." I actually did laugh this time,
apparently she had misunderstood me, and I guess I could see why. I wasn't
even sure of what I was saying myself; all I know is that I didn't know
anything. I was hoping that she was right and hoping that I wasn't crazy. I
knew where my heart lay, and I had decided to stop ignoring myself.
	"No. By 'us' I meant Jesse and I, I'm sorry Erica. You did me a
favor by pointing it out to me, but you made me realize that I like his
smile, his touch, and his eyes."
	"Aaron? Tell me you're joking."
	"I wish I was. Actually I don't. Part of me will always love you
and be your friend, but Jesse. Yes. Jesse is who I think I love." I said
gaining confidence.
	"Wow. I never thought this would end like this. I don't know what
to say."
	"Say, that eventually we will be friends."
	"I can't promise that. But maybe." She hung the phone up. I felt
liberated. Now Jesse was the only stumbling block that could arise. I was
praying that I wasn't crazy, because I was fairly certain that I had just
ruined my comfortable relationship.

< * * * >

	I couldn't get the courage to talk to Jesse, other than basic
exchanges, all week. It was Sunday before we really had a chance to talk,
and strangely enough it was during church. I took the opportunity to talk
to him, because I didn't have to look at him, or speak. We could write
notes to each other. I was a rare thing that I didn't sit with my family,
so his confused face as I slid into the pew next to him, was
understandable.
	The sermon was titled, Love is Pure and Just. I took comfort in
that, I wasn't one to believe in coincidences and so I felt that god had
given his approval of this. It may be another naïve and foolish assumption
but it gave me the strength to turn and give Jesse this biggest smile that
I could muster at the time. As the preacher began, I scribbled a note on
the bulletin and passed it to Jesse.
	"I think we need to talk."
	"Okay, when?" He wrote back. His hand writing was like him, strong
and nimble. He let the pencil roll across the paper, and it reacted to his
lightest touch. Wow, I was really beginning to fall for him, analyzing
small things wasn't in my usual nature.
	"Can we go for a ride this afternoon?" I wrote hastily.
	"Yea. Is everything ok?" He wrote back.
	Taking a deep breath, all I could think to write was "I hope so."
	The sermon continued and we listened carefully. I know that I was
absorbing every word I could hoping that it would give me some message that
I was supposed to hear. Ever preacher believes that each sermon was meant
for someone that hears, and I was hoping that this was meant for me.
	I was scared as we slid into his car and left the parking lot. He
turned right heading for the country, just to roll the windows down, enjoy
the fall air, and the open roads.
	"So what's up bud?" he asked.
	"Well, Erica and I broke up." I said slowly.
	"Oh man, are you okay?" he asked. So caring.
	"I'm fine, really. It was me, that night she said something that
made me realize that we weren't meant to be, and I'm okay with that." I
said confidently.
	"Well if you're okay with it then it must have been the right
choice." He said with a smile.
	"Do you like me?" I asked with a certain force to my voice. I could
see his eyes contort in confusion. His face didn't often show emotion other
than happiness, but his eyes told his entire life story, if you looked
close enough.
	"Of course, you're my best friend, like a brother." That was a
painful thing to hear, but I was still under the impression that he thought
that I was still unavailable.
	"Yea, I got that. But I mean...more...Erica said that you were in
love with me." I said stupidly.
	"Um. Wow, she told you that? Well...that's a complicated
assumption." He was avoiding the answer, and that was not what I needed.
	"Jesse. I need you tell me if it's true or not." I said looking
straight at him. I watched as the car slowed down and his face
fell. Watching the road, his face became blood red, and I could see doubt
etched in his eyes. He actually pulled the car off the side of the road,
and stopped it. He turned and looked at me full in the face.
	"Aaron, you have to understand. I have always loved you, and for
awhile I wished for you more than anything in this world, but I respected
our friendship too much to threaten that. I'm sorry; I vowed to myself that
I would never ever tell you this." It was true and yet he didn't want me to
know. He had tried to protect our friendship, rather than risking the
awkwardness that would have existed if he had told me. My heart swelled
with passion as I thought about the way he had tried to protect me from the
very beginning, and for me...not out of selfishness or embarrassment,
simply because he didn't want me to be hurt. Within the reason of my own
mind, I did the only thing that seemed appropriate at the time. I lunged
across the car and did my best to wrap my arms around him. Our lips met
before I knew it, and despite his shock we melted into a kiss. My world
exploded and then reformed as my eyes opened and saw that his smile had
returned and his arms were wrapped, albeit awkwardly, around me. This was
what my heart had been waiting for, and I was happy that I had found out
this way. Bliss.



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