Date: Wed, 21 Jan 2009 22:29:57 -0500
From: Morris Henderson <bigmoh@post.com>
Subject: a_rocky_road_chapter_10

A ROCKY ROAD

CHAPTER TEN

While Neil braced himself for an especially heavy load
of classes in college, TJ had begun his senior year in
high school.  Within two weeks of school starting, TJ
encountered several expected and unexpected
situations.

The swim coach was unfriendly when interacting with
the team members and particularly harsh when speaking
to TJ.  He no longer gave pleasant greetings; he
stopped joking with the swimmers; he gave more
criticism and less praise for their performance.  The
team, however, stood solidly by TJ and refused to let
the coach's callous demeanor affect either their
camaraderie or their effort.  They did, however,
jokingly tease and make suggestive remarks to TJ,
sometimes with evocative gestures, especially in the
locker room and shower.  Initially, TJ was amused by
the good-natured jokes but became afraid that the
coach would use them as fodder for his hatred of gays
and justification for ejecting TJ from the team once
more.  So, one day after school when the team was
assembled before a practice waiting for the coach, he
said, "Guys, I appreciate what you've done for me but
let's not screw things up.  I know your joking around
is in good fun and I don't mind it.  But the coach
might see it differently.  He may claim your comments
and jokes are evidence that I'm corrupting your
morals.  So please, let's not take that chance."

"You mean we can't brag about having a token fag on
the team?" came a voice from across the room.

TJ laughed along with everyone else but said, "All you
want to ... but let's be damn sure the coach doesn't
hear it."

Richie added, "TJ's right.  Let's all be careful,
guys."

Problem solved.

Another development was that word quickly spread
beyond the swim team.  TJ never found out who had
leaked the information but had half-expected it to
happen.  He also expected that some of his friends
would now ignore him or even turn against him but, as
Ramon had predicted, it was a surprise to find out who
among his friends were tolerant and who would
ostracize him.  There were a few--but only a few--
insults hurled at him.  They hurt but TJ managed to
brush them off as the ranting of ignorant bigots.  He
was disappointed to lose a few good friends but tried
to accept it as the unfortunate consequence of a
decision he did not regret.

"On the bright side," TJ told Neil one evening on the
phone, "I'm not pestered with giggling girls angling
for a date.  What's more, I no longer feel obligated
to date girls just to conceal what I am."

The most unexpected surprise, however, was that three
boys, two seniors and a junior, approached him
privately and nervously to confide that they, too,
were gay.  They admired his courage, pleaded with him
to keep their secret, and almost desperately asked for
advice on what to do.  Tony, the first of these, even
hinted that he wanted to have sex with TJ.  That
notion was scuttled when TJ revealed that he was in a
committed relationship with a boyfriend.  TJ, who was
still struggling with the turmoil of coming out, felt
inadequate to the task of helping any of the three but
tried to give words of encouragement and warning.  He
was left wondering how many others at school were
closet gays but didn't have the courage to seek his
advice.

At home, TJ's situation improved only slightly.  His
mother seemed especially attentive and supportive
since learning her son's secret.  His father, however,
remained sullen and aloof around his son.

TJ now spent weekends with Neil on campus to honor his
father's rule against sex in the house.  By tacit
agreement, neither his parents nor Isabel mentioned
sexual intimacy between the two teens but, of course,
they all knew it was happening.  Isabel, of course,
had known all along and, in fact, was pleased that TJ
was happy.  TJ's mother was displeased that her son
was gay and no doubt engaging in homosexual acts but
her displeasure was tempered with the knowledge that
Neil was an otherwise good influence on her son.  TJ's
father, however, only to keep a semblance of peace in
the family, constantly fought to contain his feelings
of disgust and anger.

Although TJ often told his father that he loved him,
the man no longer expressed his affection.  TJ was
saddened that his father didn't speak to him except
when necessary but, he reminded himself, that was
easier to bear than constant criticism and arguments.
The chilly relationship continued for two months until
one Sunday evening when TJ returned from visiting
Neil.

As TJ walked past his father's study, the man barked,
"TJ!  Come in here!"

TJ, recognized the anger in his father's voice and
tried to prepare himself for the worst.

Sternly, his father launched into a tirade.  "It seems
that your degenerate behavior has become common
knowledge.  All three of my golfing partners have
heard the news.  They were gracious, of course, and
offered me their sympathy but you can't imagine the
shame I feel because my son is a homosexual.  Lord
knows what they're saying behind my back.  I've tried
to be civil toward you but my patience has run out.
You disappointed me.  I could live with that.  But now
you've become an embarrassment.  You're ruining my
reputation at church and at the Club.  I'm forced to
put an end to your evil behavior before you do any
more damage."

TJ's heart sank.  This was the worst-case scenario
that he and Neil had talked about but hoped would not
happen.  Before he could object and try to change his
father's mind, the man continued his tirade.  "One.
You are not to be alone with Neil.  He's still welcome
in the house but if and when he's here, your mother,
Isabel, or I must be in the room with you.  Two.  You
are to get treatment from a psychiatrist.  I'm
convinced that your claim of homosexuality is merely a
mental aberration that can be cured with professional
help."

TJ's shock and disappointment morphed quickly into
anger and he shouted, "You're wrong, Dad!  Love is not
a mental sickness!  And neither is one man loving
another!  You think that sending me to a shrink will
change what I am.  It won't.  I'm gay!  I love Neil!
You're only trying to protect your precious reputation
but..."

His father cut him off and loudly replied, "That's
enough, young man!  You will NOT see Neil alone!  You
WILL see a psychiatrist!  It's not negotiable!"

TJ realized that arguing with his father would not
change his mind.  He walked to the door.

"Come back here," his father commanded.  "I'm not
finished."

Ignoring his father's demand, TJ went to his room,
slammed the door, fell into bed, and cried.

Isabel in the kitchen and TJ's mother in the living
room heard the loud outburst that ended the
confrontation.  Isabel stopped working for a moment
but knew she could do nothing ... at the moment.  But
she was determined to intercede if at all possible.
Mrs. Ryerson stormed into her husband's study and
closed the door.

"I heard the shouting.  What's going on?"

"I'm making sure a problem doesn't get any worse," her
husband said defiantly.  "I told TJ that he was not to
be with Neil alone and that he was to see a
psychiatrist.  We have to get this notion of being
homosexual out of his head."

The woman stared at her husband in disbelief before
saying, "I warned you, Tom!  You've just alienated
your son.  And, for that matter, me!  Why can't you
face reality?  He's gay.  He's in love with Neil.
There's nothing...nothing...that you or I or any
psychiatrist can do about it.  We may not like it but
we'll have to get used to it.  You promised you would.
What changed your mind?"

"I was humiliated on the golf course today.  It seems
the word has gotten out.  I don't know how but I don't
need or want people sympathizing with me or condemning
me behind my back."

"So it's all about you, is it?" she replied.  "What
about your son's happiness?  Shouldn't you consider
that?  I think you should go to him right now and
apologize...before his disappointment turns to hatred
for you."

"Don't tell me what I should and shouldn't do!" the
man snapped angrily.

"I haven't for more than thirty years.  I've tolerated
your self-appointed role as lord and master of the
house.  But dammit, I won't stand by and have you hurt
my child!  You claim to cherish family values yet
you're willing to destroy your own family out of
selfish and self-righteous pride.  Either you change
your mind and apologize to him or you will permanently
damage your relationship with TJ.  AND WITH ME!"

"That sounds like a threat," Mr. Ryerson said.

"I suppose it is.  But it's not an idle threat.  I
will move into the guest room.  I will not go with you
to any more social or political functions.  I will
speak to you only when absolutely necessary.  If
anyone asks me why, I'll tell them the reason.  What
will that do to your reputation?  I said before that I
couldn't live with a man who would be so cruel to his
son and I meant it."

"Don't you see the irony in that?" he asked.  "You
will be punishing me!  It's TJ who's guilty of deviant
behavior."

"There's a huge difference.  You're punishing TJ for
what he IS...and for selfish reasons.  I would be
punishing you for what you've DONE.  You're hurting
the son I love.  And a son you should love.  Think
about it, Tom.  And make the right decision for TJ and
the family."

The irate woman then turned and walked out of the
room, leaving her husband to ponder his two very
unpleasant options.  He could stand by his decision
and tear the family apart or he could relent at
considerable cost to his ego.

Meanwhile, Isabel had gone to TJ's room where she
found him on his bed crying.  After considerable
coaxing, TJ told his `second mother' what his father
said.  She was appalled but still, given her status as
an employee of the household, at a loss as to what she
might do to help TJ.  All she could do at the moment
was to hug the distraught young man and try to comfort
him, which did little good to diminish his grief and
anger.  When TJ had settled down, she suggested, "Call
Neil.  He needs to know what happened.  Perhaps the
two of you can think of some solution to the problem."

TJ decided to wait, to give his lover time to drive to
campus, before calling.  While he waited, his
frustration and anger grew.  Impulsively, he went
downstairs to confront his father.  He walked into his
father's study without knocking first, which, in the
past, had not been allowed and now symbolized the
rebellious message he was to deliver.

With a forceful conviction he had never had the
courage to use when addressing his father before, he
said, "Dad, I have told you many times that I love
you.  Right now, I'm not sure.  But I am sure of this:
I'm gay.  I love Neil.  I'm going to continue to see
him.  The only way you can stop me is to handcuff me
and keep me a prisoner in the house.  I don't want to
defy you but if I must then I will.  You can drag me
to a psychiatrist but I won't talk to him.  I don't
need to be cured!  I'm not sick!  I am who I am.  I'm
sorry you don't approve but I will not stop seeing
Neil and I refuse to talk to a psychiatrist."

TJ turned and walked toward the door.  Ignoring his
father's command to stay, he went back upstairs to his
room.  He checked his watch; Neil would not yet be
back on campus so it was too soon to call him.

Over the next several minutes, he began to worry that
his confrontation with his father might only make the
situation worse for him.  He also worried that Neil
would not approve of his rebellion against his
father's demands.  Why did things have to be so
complicated?  Why couldn't his father accept his
homosexuality?  Why wouldn't he believe that it was
uncommon but not unnatural?  Why did he have to be
such a bigot?

He checked his watch again.  It was still too soon to
call Neil.  He would have to wait at least another
very long fifteen minutes.  Then he heard a knock on
the door, turned to see the door open, and saw his
father.  He tried to restore the courage that it took
to refuse his father's orders.  He was not entirely
successful because he was convinced that he would now
be more severely punished.

"We need to talk," his father said in a stern but
surprisingly calm voice.  The man walked over and sat
on the bed beside the fearful teen.  "More precisely,"
his father said, "I need to talk and you need to
listen."

His words carried a message of `I'm in control...you
will listen!'  But his voice remained incongruously
calm, which confused TJ.

"I'm not accustomed to having my decisions
challenged," he said.

TJ knew that.  He was also convinced that his father
was about to impose even more stringent controls and
punishment for his disobedience.  He began to regret
confronting his father because it had only made the
situation worse.

His father continued, "When you were so adamant about
seeing Neil and not seeing a psychiatrist, I had to
reconsider my decisions.  It didn't take a lot of
thought to realize that I can't enforce what I told
you.  This is a very difficult situation for me, son.
I want to stop your immoral behavior but I realize
that I'm powerless to do so.  In spite of my wishes,
it's clear that you will continue to see Neil...even
if that means sneaking behind my back.  Make no
mistake; I couldn't disapprove more.  What you're
doing...or at least what I assume you're doing when
you're with him...is not only illegal but disgusting.
The regrettable fact of the matter is, however, that I
can't do anything about it without driving you out of
my life and alienating your mother.  And that would be
worse than allowing your deviant behavior to
continue."

TJ could hardly believe what he was hearing and began
to say, "Thank you, Dad.  I know..."

But his father cut him off.  "I'm not finished.  The
former rules are still in effect.  Neil is welcome to
visit here but if he stays overnight he will sleep in
the guest room.  During the day, you two are not to be
alone together behind a closed door.  Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir," TJ replied, deliberately using `sir' to
emphasize his promise of compliance.

"Very well," his father said as he stood and walked
abruptly out of the room.

TJ took several minutes to absorb what his father had
said.  As a very little boy, he had learned not to
challenge his father; the consequences were severe.
But now he had done it!  True, he had been motivated
by something very important--his relationship with
Neil--but he had held his ground!  Only later did he
fully realize the danger of defying his father and the
potential of a harsh reprisal.  His father's
capitulation was therefore astonishing.

As he replayed his father's comments in his mind, he
was puzzled by a phrase that was almost lost in what
his father said: `alienating your mother.'  Did that
mean that she, too, had stood up to him?  If so, it
was a welcomed development.

TJ called Neil and told him about his father's
demands, his refusal to obey, and his father's
admission of defeat.

Neil's reaction was, "You took a big risk, TJ, one
that might have made matters worse.  I'm glad it
worked out the way it did.  And I think I know why you
confronted him.  It was because you love me.  I can't
begin to tell you how grateful I am for your love.
But promise me something.  If anything like that
happens again, please talk to me.  I trust your
judgment but let's talk through the options and
possible outcomes."

"You can count on it, Neil.  I recognize now that I
acted out of anger and desperation.  For a while, I
was afraid I had really screwed things up.  I'm just
glad I got lucky."

The next few months passed relatively uneventfully.
TJ drove to campus to visit Neil every weekend.  It
was the only way they could be together the way they
wanted to since their privacy at the Ryerson home was
outlawed by TJ's father.  His father remained cool and
distant in spite of TJ's attempts to heal the
relationship.  In fact, Mr. Ryerson showed his
displeasure whenever Neil's name was mentioned in his
presence.  Mrs. Ryerson was pleasant and loving toward
her son. She suppressed thinking of the teens'
unacceptable weekend activities.  Isabel, because of
her role as employee of the household, could do little
more than keep a careful eye on the young man she
loved and be ready to discretely intercede if she saw
signs of unhappiness.

As Christmas approached, both TJ and Neil were kept
busy finishing school projects and preparing for
exams.  Their weekends were spent in Neil's dorm room
studying with, of course, adequate time allocated to
serious love-making.  Even when the two were
concentrating on school work, TJ found it to be
gratifying to be with the man he loved and often
yearned for the day when they could live together as a
couple.  Neil felt the same way and empathized with
his lover.  However, he forced himself to moderate
TJ's impatience by reminding him of their dependence
of their families and the need to finish school.

Neil chose not to go home to Oklahoma over the
Christmas break at school.  His parents were
disappointed but understood his reasons.  He wanted to
spend his vacation days with TJ.  They made the most
of the time, spending virtually every day--and many
nights--with each other.

TJ, with his mother's encouragement and his father's
grudging approval, invited Neil to Christmas dinner.
It did not go well.  Mrs. Ryerson was especially
cordial toward the dinner guest, anticipating that her
husband would be cool, distant, and possibly
antagonistic.  She was right.  Through the afternoon
and evening dinner, he spoke very little but his
facial expressions and body language revealed his
latent disgust and hostility toward Neil in particular
but also toward his son.

After dinner, they adjourned to the living room where
a sumptuously decorated tree and a blazing fire in the
fireplace should have set a celebratory mood.
Instead, the tension was palpable as they exchanged
gifts.

Neil's gift to TJ was a set of twelve CD's, recordings
of some of the greatest performances of classical
music.  TJ was delighted but had forgotten that, many
weeks before, he had expressed a desire to add to his
music collection.  His mother was pleased that TJ was
thrilled with the gift.  His father remained stone-
faced and walked over to stoke the fire forcefully as
if to vent his seething anger.

TJ gave Neil a gold chain with half a heart.  TJ was
wearing a matching chain and half-heart under his
shirt.  He had thought about giving it to Neil in
private rather than in front of his father but, at
almost the last minute, rejected the idea.  His
father, he reasoned, would have to learn to face the
undeniable fact that he was to have, eventually, a new
son-in-law.  Neil opened the small box, saw the heart
and chain, and immediately closed the box, afraid of
Mr. Ryerson's reaction if he were to see it.

"What is it?" Mrs. Ryerson asked.  "Won't you let us
see it?"

Neil now faced a dilemma: refuse TJ's mother's
friendly request or hazard his father seeing it.  He
hoped to resolve the dilemma by folding open the lid
of the box and showing it to Mrs. Ryerson in a way
that her husband could not see the contents.  His
hopes were dashed when she took the half-heart and
chain out of the box, held it up to inspect it, and
said, "It's beautiful, Neil."  Turning to her son, she
said, "That was very sweet of you, TJ."

TJ's father exploded.  He was normally very reserved
and circumspect but his anger and resentment had built
up during the evening to the point where he was no
longer in control of his emotions.  "That's the last
goddamn straw!" he shouted.  "I've tried to be civil
toward you, TJ, and what do I get in return?  You
openly disobey my wishes!  You continue with your
disgusting relationship!  And now you throw it in my
face!  Have you no decency left?"

"TOM!" Mrs. Ryerson shouted.  "Control yourself!"

But the fuming man would not be silenced.  "Don't tell
me what to do!  You're complicit in this sordid affair
by allowing it to go on.  But I will tolerate it no
longer!"

TJ's mother turned to the horror-stricken teens and
calmly said, "Could you leave us alone for a while?
My husband and I need to talk."

TJ and Neil welcomed the excuse to retreat from the
battle but were distraught at the hostility that had
erupted.  They went up to TJ's room, being sure to
leave the door open as TJ's father had decreed.

They heard the muffled shouting from downstairs
gradually diminish.  TJ was miserable and repeatedly
apologized for giving Neil the gift in front of his
father and for subjecting Neil to a vicious tirade.

Neil listened to his lover for a while but interrupted
by saying, "Look.  You made a mistake.  It turned out
badly.  I would have advised against it but I
understand that you had to keep it a secret.  It's
over now.  We still have each other.  We'll always
have each other.  Even when one of us makes a mistake.
Don't punish yourself, TJ.  Let's just pick up the
pieces and go on."

They talked for several more minutes with Neil
expressing his admiration and appreciation for the
gift.  TJ unbuttoned the top button of his shirt and
showed him the other half-heart.  Neil kissed TJ--
quickly lest someone unexpectedly come to the open
door and see the expression of affection.

Meanwhile, downstairs, TJ's mother forcefully reminded
her husband of the consequences to their marriage if
he persisted in harassing and hurting her son.  It
took more than half an hour but the man conceded.  He
did not wear defeat comfortably but it was the least
objectionable of his options.

TJ's mother knocked on the open bedroom door and said,
"I apologize for my husband's outburst, Neil.  Until
things settle down, perhaps it would be best not to
visit.  That does not mean that TJ can't visit you.
In fact, I suggest that you both spend tonight on
campus ... several nights if you like.  And don't
worry.  I can handle the situation here."

"Are you sure, Mom?" TJ asked.  "I hate to leave you
when Dad is like this."

"We'll be fine.  Right now, your father is angry and
needs to vent.  Trust me, I can handle him.  I just
think that he'll settle down faster if you two are not
around for a while."

For the next several days, TJ called his mother daily
to be assured that she was all right.  On the
afternoon of New Year's Day, he returned home.  As his
mother had predicted, the situation had returned to
normal.  She was attentive.  Isabel was particularly
empathetic.  His father ignored him and, if he spoke
to him at all, it was with icy disdain.

To be continued.