Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2008 19:35:45 -0500
From: Morris Henderson <bigmoh@post.com>
Subject: a_rocky_road_chapter_7

A ROCKY ROAD

CHAPTER SEVEN

Everyone's spirits were depressed by the confrontation
with the coach but two things were instrumental in
partially improving the mood of the evening.  Jerry's
magnificent meal drew sincere praise from TJ and Neil
and Jerry's characteristic enthusiasm seemed to
breathe welcome life into the conversation that, by
unspoken agreement, avoided any mention of the coach's
outburst, his bigotry, and his malicious proclamation
that TJ could no longer be a member of the swim team.

Jerry insisted on cleaning up after the meal and sent
Ramon and the two teens into the living room.

"Relax," Ramon said to the boys.  "Fixing a dinner --
and that includes cleaning up -- is one of three
things that he thoroughly enjoys.  Another is his job
at the newspaper."

"That's only two," Neil said.

Ramon grinned, briefly touched his crotch, and said,
"I suppose you can guess the third thing."

Everyone laughed, perhaps longer and more heartily
than usual because it seemed to dispel the tension
that had been haunting them since the coach left.

Soon, however, TJ lapsed back into a funk.  In an
attempt to distract his lover, Neil asked if they
could see some of Ramon's portraits.  For the next
half hour, Ramon showed some of his work.  Neil was
more interested than TJ, who seemed almost detached
from the conversation.  Neil was amazed at the quality
of the portraits.  In each, the setting, the lighting,
the expression, and the pose seemed to speak volumes
about the subject's mood and thoughts.  These
impressions were only confirmed as Ramon described
each person.

"I have more," Ramon said. "But I've shown you the
ones I'm most proud of."

"Perhaps so," interjected Jerry.  "They're good but
they're not my favorites."

"Jerry!" Ramon barked.

Jerry just smiled, which only seemed to increase
Ramon's agitation.

"I take it that your taste is different than Ramon's,"
Neil said.  "I can't imagine anything better than what
I've seen."

"Oh, it gets a lot better," Jerry replied with a
devilish grin.

"JERRY!" Ramon shouted while glaring at his partner.

Neil decided that it would be unwise to pursue his
hosts' disagreement but Ramon felt compelled to
explain it.  "I approach my work with a photographer's
eye -- I won't flatter myself by saying an artist's
eye.  Jerry's criteria are different.  I love him for
a thousand reasons but appreciation of portraiture is
not one of them.  You see, I've also done some
photography as a favor to a few close friends, gay
friends.  At first, I refused.  But their insistence
and Jerry's encouragement overcame my objections.  The
photos are ... well ... erotic.  No sex acts, just
posing in the nude.  I can't show them to you because
I promised my friends that they would have the only
prints.  Jerry has seen them, of course, but only
because he helps me during the shoot and producing the
finished prints.  What my friends do with the prints
is their decision.  A few I know about -- and others I
suspect -- sell the pictures to magazines or internet
sites, perhaps hoping to make even more money as a
model."

That gave Neil an idea but he said nothing because he
would have to talk to TJ first.  Wouldn't it be nice,
he thought, to have a photo of TJ, not to display or
even show to anyone but just to remind himself of his
lover's magnificent body.  But then he realized that
TJ was only sixteen and it would be illegal to
photograph him in the nude.  Still, it was an idea he
planned to discuss with TJ at some point.

During the examination of the portraits and the
ensuing discussion, TJ couldn't keep his mind off the
incident before dinner.  When Ramon put the portraits
away, TJ said, "I've been thinking about the coach's
visit and I've come to a conclusion."  Looking at
Neil, he continued, "But I need to get your reaction
before I do anything."

"What is it, TJ?" Neil asked.

"Do you two want to talk in private?" Ramon offered.

"No," TJ quickly replied.  "I'd like to have your
opinion also.  Here's how I see things.  I thought we
were in a safe environment here because we're all gay.
However, it was careless to kiss when I knew you had
let someone into the apartment.  I should have known
better.  But the fact remains that I was caught in the
act.  Now here's my concern.  It may happen again.
Somebody, sometime, somewhere, is going to find out
that I'm gay.  There's a chance that it will get back
to my parents."

Neil interrupted, "We can be more careful, TJ."

"That's what we said after your father overheard us
talking but look what just happened.  I'm scared that
my parents will hear about us before I can come out to
them.  More importantly, I'm tired of being afraid.
I'm tired of having to sneak around pretending to be
straight when I'm not.  I think I should tell my
parents the truth ... about me ... about us.  If I
don't, I'll have to make up another lie about not
being on the swim team.  The lies will just keep
piling up.  I'm tired of living a lie."

"Are you sure?" Neil asked.

"Yes and no.  Yes, because I want to be honest and
because I don't want somebody else to tell them.  No,
because it's selfish to think only of myself.  I need
to know whether you agree.  I don't want to do
anything that you object to.  Tell me honestly what
you think."

Neil thought for a while and said, "Honestly?  I think
it's risky.  We've talked about this several times and
weighed the potential consequences.  Your parents,
especially your father, will be disappointed.  He may
be angry and make life miserable for you.  I'm afraid
that misery would be worse than keeping our love a
secret.  I agree that your parents should hear it from
us but maybe we should wait a while longer to tell
them.  In short, it's a serious decision and we should
take some time to consider it."

TJ looked at Ramon and asked, "What's your opinion?"

Ramon hesitated before saying, "First of all, I admire
you, TJ, for not wanting to live a lie and even more
for considering your parents' feelings.  I'm not sure
I'm qualified to give you an opinion.  I don't know
your parents like you do.  I don't know how they would
react.  Jerry and I faced a similar problem when we
came out but we were out of school at the time.  I
think you have to be very careful about jeopardizing
your education.  Suppose, for example, that your
father throws you out of the house when you turn 18
the way Cory's father did.  And you ought to consider
the possibility of your father forbidding you to see
Neil.  I'm sure you don't want that.  You would either
have to obey him or sneak behind his back.  On the
other hand, your parents may be disappointed and angry
but, in time, accept the reality.  In that case, the
negative consequences would be minimal.  You know best
how your parents might react.  And remember what I
said: expect the unexpected.  Your father may react
like coach Harris did.  Or he may react more like Aunt
Isabel and continue to love you.  I know I offered to
give you advice.  But in this case, you and Neil will
have to make the decision after weighing every option
and every risk.  I guess I'm being no help, am I?"

Ramon and Neil sat silently, allowing TJ to wrestle
with the problem and what he had heard.  Eventually,
he said, "Ramon, you said you were not much help.  I
disagree.  You made some important points.  And Neil,
I appreciate your being honest and not simply agreeing
with me.  So I won't tell my parents right away.  I'm
going to give it a lot more thought but it's something
I have to do."

"There's one thing I forgot to say," Neil said.  "If
telling your parents is what you really want, I'll
stand by you.  I'll always stand by you!"

The two couples chatted for a while longer until Neil
said, "Thanks for everything: for the hospitality, for
the meal, and for your listening and advice.  If you
don't mind, I think TJ and I need to go back to his
house.  We need to plan how to come out to his
parents."

"I'm glad you came by," Ramon said.  "Except for the
coach's outburst, I hope you enjoyed the rest of the
evening.  And please come back again."

The four stood.  TJ walked over to Ramon and gave him
a hug, saying, "Thank you, Ramon.  I really appreciate
your friendship.  You've been a tremendous help."

"Keep in touch," Ramon urged.  "Let me know how things
turn out with your parents.  And call me if I can
help, even if it's only sympathetic listening."

The teens were unusually quiet on the drive to TJ's
house but each knew the other was searching for a plan
that would minimize the danger of TJ's coming out.

TJ's parents were at a dinner party and not yet home
so the teens went immediately to TJ's room.  They laid
on the bed talking, still clothed but cuddled
together.  They explored several scenarios and weighed
the probable consequences, some of which were dire and
others were little more than wishful thinking.  After
more than an hour, they had no plan.

Eventually, Neil said, "I think we ought to sleep on
it.  Maybe tomorrow, we can think of something."

Perhaps because TJ was anxious, he misinterpreted
Neil's comment.  "Sleep on it?" TJ asked.  "You want
to go to sleep?"

"Figure of speech, my love.  It often helps to put
aside a problem for a while.  We may have a fresh
outlook in the morning."

"I suppose you're right.  But you know what I need
right now?  I need you more than ever.  I need to make
love to you.  I need to know we're not two people but
that we are part of each other."

"That's something we agree on!"

The teens kissed passionately and before long were
naked and engaged in loving foreplay.  After they
calmed down from their orgasms, TJ began to cry.

"It's going to be all right, TJ.  Things will work
out.  We'll get through this together."

TJ let out a slight chuckle through his tears, which
surprised and confused Neil until TJ said, "They're
tears of joy.  I'm just so very much in love with you
and so happy that you love me."

The next morning, Neil and TJ talked for an hour.
After weighing all their alternatives and the
potential consequences, they agreed on a plan to tell
TJ's parents of their relationship.  It was far from
perfect; there were lots of things that could go wrong
but they agreed that they would go through with it.

Sunday brunch after church was a custom in the Ryerson
home and Neil was always welcome to join in the meal.
TJ was unusually quiet and noticeably nervous.  When
his mother asked if something was bothering him, he
said, "No," and gave his best effort at concealing his
anxiety.  He feared the storm that would follow his
revealing his secret.  He tried the mind game that
Neil had coached him through before he arrived in
Oklahoma but it wasn't working.

When the meal was over, Mrs. Ryerson stood and began
to clear the table.

"Mom," TJ said.  "Neil and I will clear the table.
But first, we'd like to talk to you and Dad."

Both of TJ's parents were somewhat surprised at the
request but Mrs. Ryerson sat back down and said, "What
is it, dear?"

"Will it take long?" his father asked.  "I have a tee
time at one."

"Not long, Dad.  I just wanted to say two things.
First of all, I love both of you very much and I'm
deeply grateful for all the things you've done for
me."

"I love you, too, dear," Mrs. Ryerson said.

"And I love you, son," Mr. Ryerson added.  "Even
though I haven't said so as often as I should."

"Because I love you," TJ continued, "You know that I
don't want to disappoint you or hurt you.  However, I
have to tell you something that may do just that.
There's no way to say this gently so let me come right
out with it.  I'm gay.  Neil is gay.  We're in love
and plan to spend our lives together."

TJ's father blurted out, "No you're not, young man!  I
won't allow it!  Get that stupid idea out of your
head!"

TJ's mother, however, sat quietly, showing no
discernable expression.

"Dad, one of the things you've taught me that I'm
grateful for is the importance of being honest.  Well,
that's what I'm doing.  The truth is: I'm gay.  I
didn't `choose' to be gay; it's what I am.  I've known
it for years but have kept it a secret.  And it's also
true that Neil and I love each other."

"You're sixteen!" his father blared.  "What do you
know about love?  You're not a man yet!  How can you
be so sure that you're homosexual?"

TJ found new strength from his father's challenge,
just as he did when competing in a swim meet, and
replied with conviction, "Two or three years ago, Dad,
I couldn't have answered those questions.  But I know
now with absolute certainty that I'm gay and that I
love Neil.  Can you honestly say that your reaction
would be the same if I told you I was in love with a
girl?  I don't think so.  Yes, I'm sixteen.  But
sixteen-year-olds fall in love all the time.  And
before you say it, I will admit that many of those
sixteen-year-olds won't stay in love with the same
girl.  How would I respond to that?  Easy.  I love a
man!  That's not an easy thing to admit in this
culture.  It's forced me to think through my feelings
with extra rigor.  I've examined my feelings
constantly and always come to the same conclusion.
I'm gay.  Neil is gay.  We love each other as deeply
as you and Mom love each other."

In an obvious change of tactic -- from logic to
emotion -- his father said, "TJ, do you realize what a
disappointment this is?  Do you have any idea how it
hurts your mother and me?  How can you bring shame to
the family like this?"

"I'm not telling you to hurt you.  I love you too much
for that.  I'm telling you because you've taught me to
be honest.  I'm hoping that you will at least respect
me for that.  I realize that you are disappointed but
you would be more disappointed if you knew that I was
living a lie.  I'm also aware of your reputation in
church and with your political party.  The Vice
President has a gay daughter and is still successful
in his career, I think that you can be also."

TJ's father experienced a very rare moment in which he
felt he had lost control of a situation.  Turning to
his wife, he said, "Will you talk some sense into your
son?"

"OUR son, Tom," Mrs. Ryerson corrected and ignored the
scowl she received from her husband.  Ostensibly
talking to TJ but using words she hoped would register
with her husband, she said, "TJ, you know that we love
you very much.  We're also proud of you for being
honest.  I'm confident that you have thought through
your sexuality very carefully.  I have to believe you
when you say you and Neil love each other.  When you
and Neil became friends, we were both delighted.  But
over time, we couldn't help but notice that you spent
every available minute together.  Recently, I've begun
to wonder about your relationship but I couldn't be
sure of anything.  Frankly, I've been half expecting
this conversation."

Mr. Ryerson could contain himself no longer and
barked, "Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

TJ's mother showed uncharacteristic assertiveness in
responding to her husband.  "Because, my dear, I knew
how you would react.  I knew you would explode.  I
knew you would give TJ the third degree.  And finally,
if my suspicions were true, I trusted TJ to choose the
time when he told us.  And my trust in him was
justified."

The normally self-controlled lawyer turned his anger
on his wife.  "You mean you're going to sit there and
let this boy spout drivel about love and being queer?"

"Please don't call him `this boy', Tom.  He's a young
man.  More importantly, he's our son and always will
be.  I, for one, love him and trust his judgment.  Am
I disappointed?  Yes.  Am I ashamed of him?
Absolutely not!  I'm proud of him and I don't love him
any less because he's gay."

Mr. Ryerson grew more agitated and almost yelled at
his wife, "You're as much as saying you approve of
their disgusting relationship!"

"Dad," TJ said in a pleading tone.  "I'm sorry if I
upset you because I DO love you.  But please ...
please ... don't take it out on Mom.  If you're angry,
be angry with me.  That would hurt but it would hurt
far more if I caused you and Mom to fight."

Hoping to give her husband time to cool down, TJ's
mother turned to Neil and said, "You've been very
quiet, Neil.  I'm interested in hearing what you
think."

"Well, ma'am, I agree with everything TJ has said.
Like him, I'm convinced that I'm gay.  And I'm
absolutely sure that I love him.  I'm grateful that
you raised him with the values of compassion, honesty,
and character.  I'm grateful that he honors me with
his love."  He paused briefly before continuing.
"Love.  How can we convince you -- or anyone else --
that what we feel is love?  I don't think we can.  But
I'm reminded of a passage in a story by Tom Borden
that I read once.  It is so beautiful and expressed my
feelings so well that I carry a copy of it in my
wallet.  May I read it you?"

"Please do," Mrs. Ryerson said while her husband
quietly fumed.

Neil retrieved a small piece of paper from his wallet
while TJ's mother smiled, his father scowled, and TJ,
who knew nothing of what his lover was about to read,
waited curiously and impatiently.

Neil began reading: "Love is nearly impossible to
describe.  It's like trying to describe a cool,
fragrant breeze suddenly blowing over you on a hot,
muggy day.  But you'll know it; you'll know love when
it hits you and sweeps over you.  You'll know it when
a certain exhilaration comes over you.  You'll feel
enlivened and your heart will quicken.  A feeling of
warmth and tenderness and endearment will take hold of
you like a cramp in your middle.  And with it will
come passion, desire, and a yearning like nothing you
have ever felt before."

Neil paused, laid down the piece of paper, and then
added with clearly visible sincerity, "That's how I
feel about your son.  That's what makes me want to do
everything I can to protect him from harm, to make him
happy, to challenge him to be everything you want him
to be ... well ... maybe not everything because he's
gay."  Turning to TJ's father, he continued, "My
fondest hope, sir, is that you'll find it in your
heart to understand our commitment to each other.  You
may not approve; all I ask is that you understand."

"NO!  I do not approve nor do I understand!"  With
that, TJ's father stormed out of the dining room
toward his study, leaving the teens emotionally
exhausted and miserable.

"Give your father some time," TJ's mother consoled.
"It's a shock for him but I think he'll settle down."
It was a prediction with little chance of coming true
but it expressed the fervent hope of all three at the
table.

TJ's courage and self control left him.  He dropped
his head onto his folded arms on the table and cried.
Neil, ignoring a practiced inhibition over showing
affection in the presence of others, moved closer to
his lover and placed his arm around his shoulders.
Mrs. Ryerson slid her chair to the other side of her
son and laid her arm on top of Neil's in an effort to
comfort her son.

The support of his lover and his mother did little to
diminish TJ's grief and it was several minutes before
he was able to stem the flow of tears.

He sat up, wiped his eyes with a napkin, and struggled
to say, "Thanks, Mom, for understanding.  I know
you're disappointed and you don't approve.  But I do
love Neil.  I just had to be honest with you.  I only
wish Dad could understand that."

"It will be all right ... in time," his mother said
without fully believing it.

"Thanks for saying that, Mom.  But we both know that
he will never forgive me."

"Never say never," Neil cautioned.  "Isn't that what
you told me when I lost my brother?"

"You lost your brother?" Mrs. Ryerson asked.  "I'm
sorry."

"Not lost as in died, ma'am.  When we were in
Oklahoma, I told my family about TJ and me.  My
brother flew into a rage and won't speak to me."

"So your parents know?" the woman asked.  "Does anyone
else know your secret?"

"Just Ramon and his partner," Neil replied, ignoring
the fact that Isabel also knew.

"And the coach," TJ added.

"Your swimming coach at school?" his mother asked
incredulously.

"Yes, he found out last night when we were at Ramon's
for dinner.  He threw me off the swim team."

"That's terrible," she exclaimed.  "Just because
you're gay?"

"Yes.  That's why we decided to tell you and Dad now.
We were planning on telling you soon but if the coach
knows, it's a sure bet that he'll tell others.  We
wanted you to hear it from us."

"I have friends on the Board of Education.  Let me see
if I can get them to change his mind."

"No, Mom.  He may change his mind about my being on
the team but he won't change his mind about gays.
He'll make it very difficult for me, especially if
he's forced to take me back."

"Well ... all right ... if that's what you want.
Right now, I think I need to talk to your father.  Why
don't you two go up to your room?  I suspect you need
some private time together."

Mrs. Ryerson knocked on the closed study door.
Hearing no response, she violated an unspoken rule and
opened the door.  She saw her husband sitting in his
recliner and staring blankly at the wall.  "Tom?" she
said.  "We need to talk."

"About what?" he said defiantly.  "That my son is a
faggot?  That he has rejected what I've taught him?"

Ignoring the insulting epithet, she said, "We need to
talk about what to do now, Tom."

"No.  We don't.  I know exactly what to do.  TJ is
sixteen, legally a minor.  Neil is eighteen, legally
an adult.  Their relationship is a felony -- child
molestation.  I'm going to file for an injunction to
prohibit Neil from seeing TJ."


To be continued.