Date: Wed, 9 Apr 2008 14:51:19 -0500
From: Morris Henderson <bigmoh@post.com>
Subject: improbable_love_chapter_15

The intensity of their joy in love-making was replaced with a sadness
that approached depression as they dressed, gathered TJ's things, and
walked to Neil's car.

The first several miles of the trip was unusually quiet with each boy
lost in their separate thoughts.  TJ was alternately reflecting on what
a wonderful weekend he had and the emotional pain of having it end.

Neil had similar thoughts but was also exploring various ways that the
two might see each other frequently without raising suspicions.  None
of the ideas that came to him were completely acceptable.  As much as
he wanted to be with his new lover continuously and permanently, there
were practical realities to consider.  Both had to finish their
schooling and for that they were still dependent on their parents.
Neil's mood darkened as he realized that sharing their love would be,
at best, intermittent.  Moreover, if their relationship were to be
discovered, it would not only cause turmoil but could even jeopardize
finishing their education.  The situation seemed impossible.  "No!" he
reminded himself.  Not impossible but improbable.  There must be a way.

As they neared TJ's home, Neil pulled into a shopping center parking
lot.  None of the stores were open, the lot was almost empty, and it
would afford at least a little bit of privacy.  TJ was puzzled and
asked, "Why are we stopping?"

Neil left the car running and turned to TJ.  "I've been thinking," he
began.  "First of all, let me say that I love you and I want to spend
my life with you.  But there are problems we have to face.  I have
three more years of college. You have two more years of high school and
then college after that.  For the foreseeable future, we can't be
together as much as we would like.  It's going to be extremely
difficult for both of us...especially because we're going to have to
keep our love a secret.  We can be honest with each other but we're
going to have to be dishonest with everybody else.  We'll have to sneak
around to be together and even then there's a chance of our forbidden
relationship to be discovered.  I need to know whether you have thought
that through and if you're willing to live like that for the next few
years...and if you're willing to risk the disruption to your family if
we're found out."

"We can work it out," TJ replied.  His response was optimistic but
didn't answer his boyfriend's questions.

"Maybe.  Maybe not," Neil said.  "It will be difficult for a long time
and it's risky."

TJ thought for a few moments before responding.  "I know it will be
difficult.  But I'm willing to wait until we can be together all the
time.  Look on the bright side.  While we're waiting, the time we can
be together will be all the more precious.  I recognize the risk.  If
my father finds out about us, he's likely to kick me out of the house
as soon as I turn 18.  That would screw up my chances for college but
it's a price I'm willing to pay.  We'll just have to be very careful so
he doesn't find out.  At least for a while;  he's going to find out
eventually, even if it's years from now.  So disappointing him and
making him angry is inevitable whether it's soon or later."

"Let's be clear and honest with each other, TJ.  Are you willing to
accept his financial support until you finish your education even
though you are at the same time deceiving him?"

TJ frowned as he recognized his dilemma.  "Geez," he exclaimed.  "I
never thought of it that way."

"It's a tough choice, TJ, especially for you.  I've come to admire your
keen sense of right and wrong and now you're faced with a choice
between two bad alternatives.  Take some time to think it through.
Call me if you want to talk about it.  Okay?"

"Okay," TJ replied.  "But let me ask you something.  How do you feel
about it?  Are you willing to face the difficulties and take the risk?
Can you be dishonest with your family?"

"My answer to that is an unequivocal yes.  I'm willing to wait until we
can come out and be together openly.  My family will be surprised but -
- except for my brother – I'm confident they will accept our
relationship.  I don't like deceiving them but I can live with it."

Neil leaned across to TJ and gave him a long kiss.  Breaking the kiss,
he said, "Now, we'd better get you home in time for church or your
parents will be mad at both of us."

When TJ entered the house, Isabel was clearing up the kitchen from
breakfast.  She smiled at TJ and said, "Well now.  Did you have a good
time?  And don't tell me more than I want to know."

TJ grinned back and said, "We had a wonderful time, Isabel."

"I'm glad," Isabel said as she returned to what she was doing.  "Now
get yourself upstairs.  Your mother and father are getting ready for
church and you should, too."

"So why are you here?" TJ asked.  "Shouldn't you have the weekend off?"

"I'm going to visit my sister as soon as I clean up here.  She's going
in for some outpatient surgery tomorrow so your parents agreed to let
me take Monday and Tuesday off to be with her."

"Nothing serious, I hope," TJ said.

"No.  Now get yourself upstairs and changed.  You know how your father
gets when he's ready and you aren't."

TJ met his parents as they were coming downstairs and he was going up.
His father told him to hurry and change; his mother asked if he had
enjoyed his visit with Neil.

"Yes, it was fun," he replied without stopping to elaborate.  He
changed clothes quickly and was downstairs with time to spare before
leaving for church.  He didn't expect his father to inquire but he was
surprised that his mother didn't ask for details about his weekend with
Neil.  He was also relieved because he was unprepared to say much about
the music at the concert and he didn't know how his father would react
to his choice of museums to visit.

The sermon in church was about the sanctity of marriage and the
importance of the family unit. It didn't explicitly condemn premarital
and extramarital sex or homosexuality but it used all of the code words
and the message was clear to everyone there.  TJ became agitated as he
listened.  He simply couldn't imagine loving a wife more than he loved
Neil.  Although he agreed that promiscuous sex was both improper and
dangerous, he was more convinced than ever that a dedication of one's
self to a partner of the same sex in a monogamous relationship was just
as holy as traditional marriage.  Moreover, if two people loved each
other and were committed to each other, sex was an appropriate
expression of that love.  Biblical prohibitions were ambiguous when one
considers the contortions of translations and the probable bias of the
authors and translators.  Apart from procreation (and there was already
too much of that in the world!) and the ingrained prejudices of
society, there seemed to him to be no rational argument against gay
unions.  If only he could convince his parents of that.

A passing reference in the sermon mentioned the fifth commandment to
honor thy father and mother.  That prompted TJ's to recall the dilemma
Neil had brought up earlier that morning.  Could he deceive his parents
about the nature of his relationship with Neil?  Could he disappoint
them when (not if) he came out to them?  The conflict would haunt him
for a long time.

He also recalled a much earlier discussion in which Neil encouraged him
to tell his father that he loved him.  He had promised to do so but at
an opportune time.  Perhaps it would improve their relationship.
Perhaps, when he learned that his son was gay, it would make the
recognition just a little more palatable.

Later that afternoon, those thoughts would come back to him as he was
in his room doing finishing his math homework.  He went downstairs.
His mother was in the family room reading.  He knew his father would be
in his office.  He knocked on the open door of the office and said,
"Got a minute?"

His father, without looking up from the computer screen and said, "Yes,
what is it?"

Although his father seemed irritated at the interruption, TJ was
determined to say what he had come to say.  "I've been thinking about
the sermon this morning ... the part about honor thy father and mother.
I just wanted to say that I appreciate everything you've done for
me..." (almost struggling to get the next words out) "...I love you."

His father, normally very articulate and very much in control of any
conversation, just looked at his son for what seemed an awkward length
of time.  Finally, he managed to say, "Thanks.  I love you, too.  Is
there anything else?"

TJ was disappointed with the matter-of-fact tone of his father's
response.  "No," he replied.  "I just wanted to say I love you.  I'll
let you get back to work."

He then turned and started to leave.  He had said what he wanted to say
and he meant it.  But his father's reaction did not rise above bland.
It was almost as if his father had rejected his profession of love.
That hurt.  It was only then that TJ fully recognized that, in spite of
a chilly relationship, he genuinely loved his father who now seemed to
dismiss any reciprocation.

He had gone a few steps when he heard his father call, "TJ, come back."

TJ turned around to face his father through the open door.  By this
time, his disappointment had deepened and had taken control of his
emotions.  He fought to keep back the tears because he knew his father
would ridicule him if he cried.  He stood, not knowing whether to go
back into the office or retreat to his room.  "Come in and sit down,"
his father said.

For the first time in recent memory, he disobeyed his father; he turned
and walked away because he feared crying more than he feared the
consequences of disobedience.  When he reached the stairs, he ran up
them and down the hall to his room where he threw himself on the bed
and allowed himself to cry.  Why, he thought, was his father so cold,
aloof, and authoritarian?  Why couldn't he be more like other kids'
fathers?  Why couldn't he joke and tease and have fun like other kids'
fathers?

As his mood worsened, his tears became sobs.  He had everything that
most boys don't but he would trade it all to have a dad instead of an
aloof, authoritarian father.

About fifteen minutes later, he heard a knock on the door but he
ignored it, hoping that whoever it was would just go away.  Then, he
heard the door open.  He looked up and saw his father in the doorway.
"Oh shit," he thought.  "Not only did my father come to reprimand me
for disobeying but he's seen me crying."

He buried his face into the pillow as if to make the world go away.  He
then felt the mattress beside him move.  His father was sitting next to
him.  Then he felt his father's hand on his back gently rubbing him.

"Look at me, son."

TJ complied, certain only that his father would be angry.

"I'm sorry, son.  I was too brusque.  I regret how I reacted.  It's
just that you took me by surprise.  But it made me think.  It made me
analyze what I've done ... and what I haven't done but should have.  I
want you to know that I do love you.  I know I haven't shown it and
haven't said it but I do.  I could make excuses.  I could blame it on
being a professional lawyer when showing emotions has no place in the
courtroom or at the negotiating table.  But that would be a lame
excuse.  I wasn't like this when you sisters were growing up ... at
least I hope not.  But the fact is I've become an old curmudgeon.  I
didn't realize it until you said you loved me and I didn't respond as I
should have.  This is hard for me to say, son, but I haven't been the
father that you deserve.  In spite of my neglecting you, you walk in
and say you love me.  I'm deeply moved and grateful.  And I'm sorry for
the years when I should have been there for you."

TJ, who had expected a stern lecture about obedience and how a 15 year
old boy shouldn't cry, was stunned as he listened to his father.  His
expression of love had not been rejected after all.  Instead, it had
triggered what TJ had wanted to hear for years.

"I'm very proud of you, son.  I've always been proud of you ... for
your academic record, your athletic achievements, and most of all for
your character.  No father could be more proud or love his son more
than I do.  My failure to tell you that sooner and more frequently is
something that I will always regret."

Without any conscious thought, TJ sat up and hugged his father while
tears of joy replaced the tears of sadness.

His father reflexively froze for a moment at the show of affection but
then returned the hug.  He was surprised to find that the embrace felt
good.

After several glorious minutes, TJ broke the hug and said, "I love you,
father.  More now than ever before."

"Then will you do me a favor?" his father asked.

The request puzzled TJ but he quickly said, "Of course."

"Could you call me `dad'?  `Father' is a little formal, don't you
think?"

"Sure thing, dad," TJ grinned.

"You agreed to that so quickly, I'm going to press my luck and ask
another favor."

"Anything!" TJ replied.

"I want to make up for lost time.  If I ever forget to tell you that I
love you at least twice a week, I want you to file charges of child
neglect.  Okay?"

They both laughed.  TJ's dad returned to whatever he was doing in his
office and TJ reached for his cell phone to tell Neil the good news.