Date: Tue, 09 Apr 2002 08:52:17 -0400
From: Mistak3n Thoughts <mistak3n@hotmail.com>
Subject: In A Moment Chapter 1

This story contains involves the relationship of two teenage boys, if you
find this offensive or it's illegal for you to be reading this, don't! All
the usual rules apply.
This story is copyrighted by Mistak3n.
Comments are welcome at: mistak3n@hotmail.com

__________________________

If someone were to ask me to describe myself in one word, I would say,
"sad".  Of course I've learnt how to hide this from everyone.  It's almost
scary how easy that is to do now.  It's like second nature to me.  I don't
allow my mind to drift on thoughts of my sadness often.  I guess I'm getting
good at fooling myself too.

All of it is the fact that I'm lonely.  Don't get me wrong, I have my small
group of friends who are always there for me, and a very loving family but
even when I'm with them I can't help but feel alone inside.  Maybe it's
typical of me to think that way, being a teenager and all, but that doesn't
really help the situation for me.  I don't remember a time when I was truly
happy.  And that maybe is the most depressing thing to realize.

"Alex?"  I glanced up at the voice and saw my best friend, Nick standing
there.

"What?"

He laughed, "Um, are we gonna go to lunch or were you just going to take
this class again next period?"

I looked at him confused before realizing I was still sitting at my desk,
and the classroom was empty.  Sighing loudly I gathered up my books and
shoved them into my backpack.

"Are you alright?"  Nick asked as we headed for the door.

"Yep.  I just zoned out there."

Kids for the next class in that room started to come in as we tried to make
our way out.  We had to stand back and let them through.  I had my eyes on
the ground watching everyone's feet stream by when I felt someone run into
me.  It was a hard enough collision to push me back against the blackboard.

Surprised, I looked up, and into the eyes of the most beautiful human being
in the entire world.  I'm not exaggerating. No really.  He had short brown
hair that was a complete mess, and green/blue eyes that just stared into my
own.  He was about the same height as me.  I noticed he was smiling and I
realized I was doing the same.

"Sorry."  He said quietly.  "I'm Jeremy.  I just moved here."

"Hi."  I said shyly.

Damn my shyness!  I wanted to do something drastic like pounce him right
there.  I wonder how he'd react to that!   I felt like I should continue
this conversation but I had no idea what to say.  So I just stared.  He
didn't move either.  I felt Nick pulling at my arm trying to get me to move.
  Yeah right.  I was like a mountain.  Well until reality hit me and I
realized I really had to get a move on before they started this class and I
really did end up taking it again just so I could stare at Jeremy.

Finally, we were able to get out and into the hallway.

"You do that a lot, you know."  Nick said.

"What's that?"  Run into HOT guys?

"Zone out like that."

"Oh."  I started walking faster.  Nick kept pace with me.

"You know you can talk to me, right?"

"Yep."

"I'm serious, Alex."  He pulled my arm causing me to stop.  I faced him.

"I know.  Come on, I'm hungry."  I went to move in the direction of the cafe
but he pulled my arm again.

"Do you want to go somewhere and talk?"  He asked looking me in the eye.  I
hated when he did that.  It felt like he could see everything I refused to
say aloud.

"No.  I want to go eat."

"Alright."

He looked upset with me and I hated myself for doing that to him.  I knew he
wouldn't understand me.  I was sure he'd try to and he'd be there for me,
but he just wouldn't completely get me.  He kept stealing glances at me on
the way to the cafe, and more in lunch line.  When we got to our table I
couldn't take it anymore.

"Nick! For fuck's sakes stop looking at me.  I'm fine, alright?"  I said
watching Jeremy walk into the cafe holding his tray of food.  He surveyed
the room before sitting down with the arty kids.  Hmm, an artist eh?

"You're not fine."

Jared and Ethan showed up at the table.  For once I was eternally grateful
to see them.  I greeted them with a huge smile.  They looked at me funny.

"What's with you?"  Ethan asked as he took a seat next to Nick.  Jared sat
next to me.

"Nuthin."

"We were in the middle of a private conversation."  Nick said, not taking
his eyes off me.  I glared at him.

"No we weren't." Yeah.  Real nice.  That's convincing.

Jared and Ethan exchanged glances.

"Whatever, dude."  Jared said.

He started talking about the algebra final coming up.  I never understood
why people take such hard courses like that and then complain about them.  I
figure it was their choice to be in the class in the first place.  But, I
was happy for the change in topics.  Nick pretended to be interested in the
conversation during lunch with Jared and Ethan but I knew he was thinking of
me.

They talked the entire lunch period.  I said nothing.  I have no idea what
they talked about either.  I was preoccupied thinking about Nick being
preoccupied with thinking of me.  Yeah.  I'm weird.  I know.

I somehow managed to make it through to the end of the day.  Nick and I
didn't share any more classes so it was easy enough to avoid him.  Only
problem was he usually drove me home after school.  Honestly, I have no idea
why I was making a serious effort to not run into him.  I mean it's not like
I was mad at him.  I just didn't want to face any questions he might have.
I was afraid when he looked at me, he'd seen my secrets.  My being gay.  My
loneliness.  My depression.  My pathetic ness...Sigh.

Ah Nick, so dependable.  There he was standing by my locker, waiting to take
me home.  I briefly considered turning around and running the other way.
Instead, I walked over to my locker and unlocked it without so much as
glancing at him.

"I don't know why you're mad at me."  He broke the silence.

"I'm not."  I said quickly.  Damn.  I knew he'd think I was mad.

"Alright."  He said that so sadly I looked at him.  He was staring at the
floor.   Argh, I'm such a bastard sometimes.

"Look, Nick, can we go to your place or something?"

"Sure, yeah."

I got my shit together and we walked out to his car.  The drive to his place
was in complete silence.  Well besides the radio which was blaring Korn, our
favourite band.  I just stared out the window and watched the sky.

We got inside his house and went to his room.  He shut the door behind him.
I sat down on his bed and instantly started talking.

"Nick, I'm sorry ok?  I just don't think you'd understand everything going
on in my head.  I mean, I know everyone's got issues, or whatever.  I just,
I don't know."

"Well share your issues, Alex."  He said softly sitting next to me on his
bed.

I laughed to myself.  Right.  Like it's that easy to just open your heart to
someone.

"I've known you forever man.  Have I ever turned my back on you?"  He asked.

"No."

"Well then you know I never will.  No issues you have, no thoughts in that
head of yours would ever change that."

Wow.  He was almost convincing talking like that.  I almost spilled my soul
to him.  It's so hard for me to do that.  To cope with my own feelings or to
allow someone else to hear them.  I didn't want to let him know what was
going on in my head.  I didn't want him to know my secrets.  I had too many.

I let the silence fill the room for a while before speaking.  "I don't think
I can."

"You can.  You're sad, aren't you Alex?" I looked at him in disbelief.

What did he just say?  How could he just blurt that out?

I tried to laugh but it came out sounding weak and tortured.

"Why are you sad?"  He turned so he was facing me.

I stopped breathing.  Was the room spinning?  Is this what fainting feels
like?  What's wrong with me?

"Alex?"

"I...I'm not..."

I felt his arms wrap around me and the warmth of his body against my own.
It felt so comforting.  And I realized I wanted to tell him everything and
just how much I had been keeping from him all this time.  All the fake
smiles I put on.  All the fake conversations I held with him.  All this
pretending I'd perfected for so long.  I wanted to end the act and have one
person know me for who I am.

"Why are you sad?"  He whispered.  He hadn't removed his arms from around
me.  This was the most physical contact we've ever had together in the
entire ten years I've known him.  It was a bit shocking in a good way.

"Nick, I'm so depressed."  I managed to say.  Well, that was a start.  It
felt good to admit it out loud to someone.

I felt Nick slowly rubbing my back.  It totally relaxed me.

"Why?"

"I don't know.  I have no reason to be."  Ok big lie.  Big, big lie.  I knew
why.  Of course I did!  I was lonely!  And I was lonely because I didn't
have anyone! I didn't have anyone because I couldn't have who I wanted to! I
couldn't because I was gay!  I thought of relaying this to Nick then thought
better of it.  I could just picture him jumping away from me and throwing me
out of his house.  I'd be outed to the entire school and my family and be
completely shunned by the entire planet! No, no, no bad idea!

"Alex there has to be a reason.  I just want to be here for you okay?  I
swear to you nothing you say could ever make me hate you."

"I think I'm gay."  Oh. My. God. I just blurted it out.  Like I was saying,
the sky's blue.  I stood up quickly.  Nick stood with me.

"I'm gonna go." I headed for the door.

"Wait, Alex!  I know.  I've known for a while."

I stopped in my tracks. What!  He knew! How did he know?!  "You knew?"

"Well no, I mean I thought maybe you were I didn't know for sure.  I've seen
you check out guys a few times.  And how you just sort of ignore the girls
who are all over you."

"God, Nick."  Was this really happening?  I wanted to crawl in a hole and
die.

"I'm fine with it.  Honestly Alex.  Nothing will change between us."  He sat
back down on the bed.  "But that can't be it.  That can't be the only reason
you're sad, is it?"

"No I guess not." I said slowly. "Nick, your really okay with this?"  I was
in shock still.

"Yes!"

We both laughed a little.  I felt so relieved.  Nick was such an awesome
friend.  I moved back to the bed and sat down next to him.

"I'm just lonely."  I admitted sadly.

"It must be hard on you.  Not like you can just announce your gay or
something and wait for the guys to pour in."

I laughed at the thought.  "Are you saying I couldn't get a guy?"  I teased.

He smiled.  "You know what I meant!"

"I can't just say to someone I like them.  I'll get called a fag and so much
shit will happen."  I got serious.  I decided to let Nick in.

"You can't be the only gay guy at our school man.  It's just that they're
all afraid to come out too."  Nick said.

"Great.  Like a secret society where the members don't even know who belong
to it."

"Yeah it's so fucked."

I sighed loudly.  Funny how I wasn't any less depressed about my situation,
but by just talking to Nick about it I was feeling better.  Like I didn't
have to deal with it alone.

"Things happen, Alex.  You know?  Sometimes everything can change in a
moment, and your life is changed forever."  He pulled me into a hug.  I
didn't want to let him go.

_________________________

No sex yet, but if I continue we'll see what develops.  Is something going
to happen between Alex and Jeremy?  Is Nick really cool with Alex being gay?
  Worth continuing?  Let me know at mistak3n@hotmail.com :)