Date: Sun, 5 Apr 2009 23:11:54 -0400 From: John Elash <phantomscorpio77@gmail.com> Subject: In the Shadows of Our Lives : On Broken Wings 2 Hopefully you liked Part 1 of this new story. With the new point of view I'm trying to keep it at least as real as Spirit of the Underdog, if not even more honest. (Like I've said at the end of that story, sort of ignore the "Flash Forward to Today Ending" and it will flow seamlessly I hope.) Thanks for reading! As always, please read of your own free will, and direct any feedback to: phantomscorpio77@gmail.com. [Feedback is good!] In the Shadows of Our Lives -- On Broken Wings II I Dont Know How to Love No More April 1, 2000. Dear Journal: Songs define so many feelings and situations. In the moment, my mind is always pulling up lyrics from the depths of memory. Hundreds of songs come to mind relating to the loss of love. Often ballads. They seem so beautiful when you are in love that you don't really focus on the subject matter, but once your heart's been hurt like I said, literally hundreds come to mind. Normally when I feel loss I've favoured Duran Duran's Ordinary World. When my Dad died 9 years ago I wore out a cassette of Abba's One of Us, and Chikitita. But lately all I keep thinking of is this one song. It's old now, it's from a mostly unknown band named Europe. In fact it was bootlegged from a 1989 concert in Los Angeles at the famed Wisky-A-Gogo where they sampled new songs under a phony name of Le Baron Boys. Mom and Dad were there for the concert, and along with Mom, Deanna has taught me all I know about music and 80's hair bands. Journal this is part of the song: I Don't Know How To Love No More , by Europe. "I need you here tonight, your body next to mine. I haven't seen you for a while, no. I need your tender kiss, the touch of your finger tips, I haven't seen you for some time now. I need to touch you like I used to do before, Though I have touched you girl a million times or more. I don't know how to love no more, I don't know what I'm waiting for. Take me to your arms my friend and teach me how to love again. I don't know how to cry no more, so tell me what I'm living for, Take me to your arms my friend and teach me how to love again." So yeah, Journal, I've played that song to death in my head, here on the computer with my earphones, and on my discman. Can you figure why? Yup, it fits me almost perfectly, just drop the `girl' part. I feel lost and I want Daniel back so bad. But again, I can't have him. So instead listening to this song somehow makes me secretly feel good. How sick and twisted is that? And that weekend. Leap Day with Tim, Neil and Tania. It was O.K. I guess. I had a good time if I let myself be honest, although I'm sure I was a sourpuss. Then Tim was so nice. What's his angle anyway? What's the story with him? He's nice, good looking, great body, engaging personality, neither a freak nor a geek, and yet no girlfriend. It's almost strange. In that regard, I can almost see why he's labeled a fag. And why is he suddenly giving a shit about me? I mean sure, I want to be friendly to him. Yes, I want to have a friend. I think he and Neil are alright. Tania has always been cool to me too. So why then do I act like a heel when they're just being there for me? And still, can't they see that I still just want to be left alone with my pain? Yes, I've decided I want it all. Is there anything so wrong with that? Then again, no, I don't want anything really but to be left alone to deal with things. I know I'm gay. No big news flash there Journal. I want men. I love guys. Yes, I'm past the personal denial. But I'm not past the social denial. I screwed up this past Friday night, I really think Tim thinks I'm gay. He was constantly half joking about it. I think. I don't know, though. Ah, man! Someone please either put a gun to my head and pull the trigger or paint me the rainbow colors and send me out into public, or better still; just make it all go away! I want to be out and say to hell with the consequences! I want to be left alone from scrutiny, to just be who I am. I want to be accepted and liked. But then I get nervous. People will think things, they'll say things. Can I really handle that? Yet? No, I know I can't handle being `out' yet. This is Houston after all. You know, in the southern pocket of gun-toting Texas? Being openly gay is as good a reason anyone here needs to shoot me dead as if I were the worst mass-murderer in history. Or arrested and charged like those two guys in the local news, John Lawerence and Tyrone Gardner. So, I'll compromise with you Journal. Here's what I'll do. I'll deny it. Yeah, I'll deny it and let people think whatever. And with Tim, if his thing is that he wants to be my friend because Neil isn't going to be as available for him now that he's with Tania then I'll deny it too, but not as strongly and not immediately. The next time he brings it up maybe I'll play like I didn't hear him and the time after that I'll give a pause for show before saying `I love pussy, yum, yum, yum' or something macho and heterosexual. And then there's Mom. I want her to be happy. You know what, I don't really care that she's dating. If she is dating. I don't even care if it is Coach Maynes. At first I was selfish because it was my defense, I was focused on my walls that needed to be protected at all costs. She could certainly do worse than a guy who's fault would be what, that he actually gives a shit about his students? Hell, what if he finds he gives a shit about her too? Well, that's it for now, Journal. Always remember to put your lube away when you're done, Jon. >>).:.(<< It's Monday morning, I've slept in past my alarm. The phone rings, waking me up. I stay in bed after the phone's been answered. Then I get blasted. Lacey slams my door open and throws my school bag at my head. Good thing there's nothing in it, like school books or something! Deanna acts like my Mom sometimes, but she is 10 years older than me and that's her prerogative I guess as she helped raise us. Now Lacey, she's only one year older than me, where does she get off doing that? "Wake the fuck up Moody! You're so dead if you don't go to school today. Oh, and the phone is for you. It's a boy. He wants to know if you want a ride to school." Lacey is also loud, always loud. She has a bit of a mean streak when she wants to, this morning she is in fine form as she teases me, "You've found a new boyfriend already? Don't make your boyfriend wait! Get your ass out of bed and answer the phone." My heart jumps when she says it's a boy, for a fleeting moment I think it might be Daniel, but I quickly figure its Tim. What a bitch Lacey is this morning calling Tim my boyfriend, she must have a test or something today. If only she really knew. Would she still tease me? She thought it was funny, all the crap at school with the rumors about Daniel and I holding each other's hands. Yeah like we really were holding hands. He slipped and I grabbed his hand to steady him. That's it, that's all. I'm not fucking stupid, hold a guy's hand in school and get sodomized or my head kicked in or even beaten to death? Have a so called friend come after me with a bat? I think not! Still, Lacey started in on the bandwagon at home when it was just family. I think Candace stopped her one day because there's this weird eye contact between them when anything `gay' comes up. Candace has perfected a glare that basically says `try me, I dare you'. That's the look she gives Lacey, and I pretend to not notice. At school thankfully Lacey puts blood before water and defends me as much as she dares without making me look like a sissy because I have my older sister defending me. Candace on the other hand just blows people off. She tells people that said shit to her that she thinks it's funny, them calling me a fag or whatnot, because their mother was in my bed that morning when she got up. Candace is two years older than me, and is only a morning student. She is trying to upgrade a bad mark she got in English class for college acceptance. If we were closer in age I could really see hanging out with her at school. But the point is moot anyway; as she's only at school half a day anyway so not a real threat to my veil of masculinity. Feeling rather catty this morning I scratch my crotch from one corner of the kitchen to the other to gross out Lacey in retaliation for her bitchiness seconds ago, and not bringing the cordless phone to me. As she scoffs I grab the phone with satisfaction, "Hey." "You know, it's amazing; you never shut up do you Farrows? You're certainly not a man of few words anyhow! No, you always just keep talking till someone tells you to hush up! Anyway, do you wanna lift to school? Neil's walking with Tania, probably holding her hand and carrying her books. Make me gag." "What is this? Step two of Coach Maynes `get Jon Farrows to class' project for you?" "Whatever. Don't be a cheesedick. If you wanna lift let me know, I'm leaving in five minutes." "Yeah sure, that'd be cool I guess." I race through the shower and down a glass of juice just in time when Tim pulls into the driveway. Stepping outside, to further get at Lacey I laugh at her that she has to walk and taunt her not to be late. Tim offers Candace and Lacey rides too. Getting to school I go to every class today. I eat lunch with Tim, Neil and Tania at the mall. Neil and Tim want to workout after school so I walk home by myself and get started on all of the stuff I need to get caught up on. So far school comes pretty easy for me, but I think I have also developed decent learning and studying habits. By the time I'm heading home Tim has called me a cheesedick at least a dozen times today. I guess it's his word of the day. All in all, if anything today I have found balance. Tuesday's pretty much the same, except Tim goes to the gym with Mickey Dawson while Neil goes somewhere with Tania. I have a 5 - 8 shift at the restaurant so I bus straight to work from school and do my homework there before starting. After I'm done Tim is out in the parking lot waiting for me and catches me as I set out for the bus stop. He asks if I want to catch a movie, but I tell him I'd rather not as I didn't contribute much money at home in February and I want to make up for it this month. Plus Coach Maynes, Larry I guess, is stepping up his game by taking my Mom out for dinner and a movie. So instead Tim invites me over to his place to play playstation. I have an alright time and before I know it I end my first full day without physically crying over Daniel. I work at the mall the next two nights. My regular shifts at the music store are Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings, plus I had traded off my Saturday last week but the catch was that I had to work the girls Thursday night shift instead. So before you know it, it's Friday night again. Friday nights quickly become the night that Neil and Tania, Tim and I get together and do something, whether it's a pool party, bowling, a movie, going to some carnival or festival, or just whatever. Four weeks in a row I have stayed over Friday night at Tim's and he drives me to the mall for work Saturday mornings. Pretty much guaranteed Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights I work at the restaurant, so that leaves Tuesday, Thursday and Friday nights and after work for my social time and homework. Most of my free time other than Friday nights I spent exclusively with Tim. I've stayed over at his place every Friday since Leap day, sleeping on his bed with him, keeping my hands to myself while enjoying the close proximity of his warm and gorgeous body and memorizing his unique cologne/deodorant/manly armpit scent. This has all become a routine and day by day, it's just a matter of time for me; how to occupy myself to avoid missing Daniel. Little by little I come to an acceptance that he is gone and I have to move on. The one exception has been this past Friday. Tim dropped me off at home rather than having me over for the night. More so he dropped me off early and was on his cell phone before he was even out my driveway. Strange behaviour for him. I've tried to think every moment of the night through and see what happened, where I went wrong. I can't come up with anything, but I am all insecure that he has discovered I'm queer and doesn't want to share a bed with me. I don't blame him, I probably wouldn't either if I was straight. Even if I knew that the guy, me in this case, hasn't made a move. So I guess if that's it then I can understand. As for my home arrangements, Coach is usually over a couple times a week, after football practice when Mom isn't working late at the grocery store, and usually picks her up and drops her off when she works at the liquor store. At 47 he's two years older than Mom, but at that age I guess a couple years isn't such a divide as it is to us when we're in our teens. He's really respectful that he's an outsider, not trying to step on my toes as Mom's boyfriend, instead if he has to step on my toes it's as my Vice Principal, and only at school. Outside of school I guess he's O.K. I don't have any reason to hate him, he's a nice guy, he was really cool to Daniel and I and he's really nice to Mom and us. It's just weird, that's all. I don't want to share my life with some strange man, but it's not my choice I know. Mom's happy and is trying for the first time in years to care about her appearance, she's wearing make-up again and has bought new clothes for the first time in forever. She actually looks good, I can see how she was even prettier than Deanna, who is pretty hot, even if she is my older sister. In June this year I am again volunteering along with Tim, Tania, and Neil to help with the graduation ceremony like I had with Daniel last year. Yeah, that fateful night when Daniel and I got stoned and beat off to a story on Nifty. I then gave him head for the first time and he gave me a hand job for the first time. We woke up naked and in the same bed that morning. His Mom and Uncle went absolutely ballistic that we'd smoked up. This year, to get on that committee you have to be a part of the events organization committee, and naturally Coach had pushed us all towards that. So this of course meant that we had to be involved in our school's April Fool's Day Bizarre-Bazaar. It's a fun day where the student committee wears Mardi Gras masks and get to host a school carnival for all the grade 8 students from all of the feeder schools that come to the high school for a tour and orientation. It's especially fun because it falls on a Tuesday and is breaking up a potentially dull week. Word has also been spreading of a bush party happening tonight so I desperately beg my sister Deanna to work a double shift for me at the music store. As manager she doesn't like working as an hourly or showing any favouritism, but she hears the excitement in my voice and caves in for me. Instead of working Tuesday night I go along with Neil, Tania and Tim to Virginia Point for the evening. This seems where Tim's baseball friends occasionally gather out of the city and away from the cops for a good night of adolescence and letting loose. It's great to get to the beach and ocean again, the last time I had been was at least 6 years ago when Mom still had a working car. I'm all excited, there are a lot of people our age there from schools all over, and lots of beer and pot that everyone seem all too willing to share. We meet up with a large gathering of people from our school. How weird it is to be at the same beach party as my sisters Candace and Lacey. As expected Neil and Tania disappear after making gooey eyes together for too long and then Tim starts chatting up this girl from a neighbouring school. I actually know her, sort of, as she had been at more than a few parties with people from our school and is one of Tania's friends. But really, she's a girl. Not to be mean to the supposed `fairer sex' but let's face it, the only reason this queer (me) can distinguish between them and things like, oh say, furniture and the walls is that women walk and talk. Anyhow, we're in a group with some of the school baseball team and their friends. One of the girls in the mix is Tania's friend Stacey Smith. Much more importantly however is that Stacey's boyfriend Paul Hunter is also here with his brothers Peter and James. HELLO CUTIE! I never realized until this moment how much Paul `does it' for me. Daniel and I used to agree that he was cute at the baseball games we watched. Outside of his baseball uniform I remember him from grade 9 or 10 when he was chunky and had a pizza face. But now I'd definitely classify him as hot. Maybe it's that since Daniel's been gone I'm about ready to hump anything breathing, but just right now Paul's a fucking god to look at! It's a good thing I'm wearing loose cargo's and said ex-boyfriend's tight fitting boxer-briefs because I pop a boner over this guy. As soon as Jackie and Nat Wilson show up with Wayne Harris in tow, Tim tries to give me the slip. Nah Tim, sorry. I know you're trying to get me to give you a few minutes to talk Nat up, but if I don't stick with you how do I get to meet this guy? Tim gives me a look combined with some body language. I have no clue what message he is trying to convey. It could mean one of three things. First, it might mean `Cheesdick, my best friend for life, please give me some room to work Nat and I'll treat you to McDonalds later. You're such a good boy. Yes you are! Aren't you a good boy? Do you want me to scratch your ears boy? Only if you play dead for me first. Then I'll scratch your ears and get you McDonalds on the way back for being such a good boy'. Second it might mean `get lost Cheesedick and stop clinging to me'. And third, but not least, it might mean `Run! There's a UFO behind you'. No matter, as I'm running these scenarios through my mind Tim takes his leave. So in figuring out a way of giving Tim some time, to which I might also benefit, I plan a casual approach with Paul. Aqua's Around The World is pumping out of a car system as I build up the nerve to approach Paul and then Neil goes and gets in the way. I'm standing frozen, taking a mental picture I guess, when out of nowhere Neil grabs my wrist like a rag doll and pulls me with him in front of Paul, "Hunter, how's it hanging? If it's still hanging at all! I hear your parents may have had it removed for you." "Mr. Anderson," Paul just smiles and nods back to Neil, acknowledging him by last name like all that baseball guys seem to. Only now because Neil's last name is the same as Neo's in the recent box-office smash hit The Matrix, perhaps the most awesome movie we've ever seen, everyone uses the Mr. Anderson line from Agent Smith in the movie. My introduction to Paul is nothing short of flattering. Neil's so proud of himself as he says, "Hunter, have you met Richard here? Richard Wad, but he goes by Dick for short. Always Dick, never Dickie. Get it? Dick Wad?" I elbow Neil in the stomach for that one! He must have smoked some cheap crap while I wasn't looking. If anyone's a dickwad right now it's him. Neil puts an arm around Jackie Wilson and smiles an evil little grin at me before they walk off, leaving me alone. Now that I am royally screwed and left to hang by my friend, feeling on the spot I nod at Paul and say, "Hey man, got a beer I can bum?" Pointing to an ice chest full of Bud and Bud Lite he whispers, "Shit, they're not mine, don't know who's really, but help yourself, I have." Point of fact; I hate beer! I mean to grab a manly Bud. Of course I come up with a Bud Lite. Then I try to twist the cap, but it and my hands are wet and I slip. Cool, very cool. I'm going flush, I can feel it in my face, thankfully it is dusk and the glow from the fire pit hides this fact rather than betrays it. Paul takes the beer from my hand, pulls out his keys and pops the cap off with fineness. "The beer's free, that'll cost you a buck though." Hahaha. I laugh, "Funny, I'll just grab another one then." I reach for a Bud this time. I look at Tim. Way to go buddy, Nat is drooling all over you! Hmmm. Funny, so is Stacey. I make a gesture, wiping my mouth and chin behind the girls backs so that only Tim can see. Paul hands me his keys, "Here. Use the teeth of the keys in the teeth of the bottle and you look smooth." I manage to open the Bud easily and hand his keys back. Good, I'm making a better impression this try than the wimpy `I can't open a beer bottle to save my life' one just moments ago. Right up until the first sip. It's bitter. My face contorts against my will. Paul laughs at me. Guzzling the last of his Bud he takes the Bud from my hand and gives me the Lite back instead. "You better stick to this, lightweight." He jokes. Hearing this Stacey turns to him and snidely remarks, "Who's the lightweight?" "Fuck you, Cunt!" Paul retorts and motions me to start walking with him. "Fuck my cunt? Really? Well there's an idea, maybe YOU should try it! That's right Paulie, turn your back on me again. You sick asshole!" Stacey shouts as we walk away. He apologizes, "Sorry about that. Don't mind her, she's a bitch in case you hadn't clued in. Makes me sick, that I have to deal with her shit." O.K. here's my chance, it's really happening, I get to talk to this hunk! Don't screw it up, "What do you mean?" "I don't know. It's like, we were seeing each other and things were good, but since she got pregnant and then had Belinda things have been weird. I don't know if she's even still my girlfriend anymore. I hear she's not, but she's never said anything to me. Would you ask her though? So I just play Daddy and put up with her shit while my petition for sole custody is being drawn up." To my simple question I expected a typically simple answer like `she's fucked' or something similar, not a complex and overly informative answer. He gets right to it, "Man, you got anything to burn?" "Yeah, I got a few." I respond. "Sweet, I just knew you'd be good for that. Can I have a haul off of one? I haven't had any in ages, not since the cunt abandoned Belinda for me and my Mom to take care of. My old man's pissed at me enough, so to have pot in the house with my own baby? Why give him another reason right? Shit, aside from work I never even get out like this anymore." We head for the field that is doubling as a parking lot, where the odd car is a'rockin. Stopping at a Cavalier he chugs the Bud, opens the door and motions for me to get in with him. Opening the passenger door I try chugging the Bud Lite. It's not as bad as the Bud but I hardly finish the neck before I feel like I'm about to gag. As I place the beer on the ground, intentionally tipping it on it's side in hopes that it all spills out, he reacts to my gag noise, "Yeah, I know. I used to have a Ram 2500. More than half paid off too from working summer in the fields and now Walmart through the year, but I had to get something more practical. At least I'm not paying on this one." Clearly it was the beer that I was gagging over, but to admit that isn't manly so I just roll with his impression that I was gagging over his car. It's a nice car, clearly new, and more than I have. Pointing to the baby seat in the back he adds, "One bad lay will do that to ya. Beautiful kid, ugly ass mother." "Yeah, I'd heard that you have a kid, but didn't believe it. If you listen to everything you hear then Helen Watermellon's really got big tits, Amy Gordon's sleeping with most of the male teachers, Kevin Porter really has OD'd ten times, and if you believe Debbie Van De Berg I'm still sleeping with Daniel Rice who currently lives in St. Louis." I don't mean to put the Daniel bit in. It just comes out. Daniel's still on my mind a lot, I'm still mad and hurt, but now I hope with my everything that he'll be coming home at least for the summer. He laughs, "Oh shit, yeah! You and him held hands and made out in the hall or something like that wasn't it?" I joke back, my heart sinking further, "Yeah we had it full on, hands down pants and everything!" Paul's mood quickly turns somber, "Man, that's funny. People. Hey, spark one up will ya?" I spark one and then another behind his car so that the smoke doesn't reek it up. We talk about this and that, what our plans are for our lives. We move back out on to the beach so that his car can air out of any smoke that might have filtered into it and talk some more. He again tells me how he had to give up his truck for the family sedan, how he took a job at the Walmart Super Center on Dunvale, and how his Dad is being hard nosed with him by making him get a second job for the summer. Finding our way back to the fire pit we had started at, Tim is missing and Nat and Stacey are either loaded or acting it and having a good time while not noticing us. From time to time I see Neil and Tania by Wayne and Jackie so I know Tim hasn't left without me, not that he would. After a couple joints by Paul's car the beer now seems to agree with me a whole lot more and I have a few empty bottles beside me sooner than I realize. Paul and I talk about leaving closed minded Texas. "Man, I want to study at Berkely in California or move to a new country and leave everything behind. But being realistic? I hope to settle down somewhere more liberal where I can raise Belinda as an only father. That is unless I meet someone. Plus now that I have my little Queen B I had to choose, either her and do good in school, or have her turned over to Children's Aid and be a kid. I do miss playing ball though I'll tell you. How about you?" "Me, I don't know what I want. I want to go away to school. I want to live and be free from all this bullshit associated with high school. California sounds cool. Yeah, either that or maybe go to school in New York, or somewhere daring like that place in Canada that was at the college fair. My Mom has family in the Bronx, and Queens or Long Island now too. I've got some money squared away for school, but not enough yet. I'm really going to try for a scholarship, Coach Maynes told me about one that I have a really good shot at based on my essays and math contest results, and my overall marks. If you remember from gym class last year, I pretty much suck at every sport so I don't do anything extra-curricular sports wise. Instead I have to get involved in some sort of volunteering program to compensate. But I do live in a shitty area, so that helps my case for a scholarship or subsidization too." I've said too much, I've lost his interest because his response is so ambiguous, "Yeah, that's cool." Then he stares at my pile of empty bottles and I can see for the first time that he's nursed the one he has. It's got to be warm and he hasn't even half finished it. He's stopped being chatty so we just sit in silence for a little while looking at the fire. He's the kind of guy that makes me bone up, so I carefully enjoy the chances I get to rape him with my eyes and just sit near him. All too soon Stacey has spotted us and is shouting at Paul, now calling him a pussy. Looking at Stacey approaching he doesn't even seem to be buzzing or high as he matter-of-factly states, "Look, I gotta get going back, I have to be home before the sitter takes me to the cleaners. I'd offer you a ride but you saw Stacey and me fight, not a pretty sight. I'll bet James and Peter won't even ride back with me 'cause of her. I'm sure Tim won't bail on his wingman, he's not like that. Although it looks like he's not in need of one right now." I wonder what he means by the Tim comment. And how well does he know Tim? But my head's swimming and I like it, so after watching Paul leave I grab another Bud Lite and search for someone who looks approachable to talk to. Then this girl comes up to me, she's looking like a cheap rip-off of Brittany Spears. She asks my name and I tell her it's Justin Timberlake and I'm so excited to be getting the Mouseketeers back together with Brittany Spears. In my semi-drunken state I can't help but laugh atwhat I think is my witty sarcasm. She throws her drink in my face and tells me to go fuck myself. Another girl sees this and thinks it's hilarious. She approaches me. Well that's it; I've had it with girls already. Rolling my eyes on purpose, I snarl and groan as this girl approaches. Growling back at me turns into a laugh, "Hey there Tiger. Or maybe Nick Carter this time? The name's Bobbie. Short for Bobbie-Sue. (pause) Yep my parents sure have a sense of humour. (another pause) So, that was funny, that girl. (really long pause) Hey where are you from?" She seems remotely tolerable. Bubbly, but doesn't over do it. I decide to play along, "Houston. Spring Valley / Memorial Park area. You?" "Houston too, Westwood Park area. And your name, or are you going to try Justin Timberlake with me?" "Jon." "Just Jon?" "Yeah, it's not hyphenated though. It's just Jon. You know, Capital J, followed by an O and then a N. Jon." Man, I'm such a dick. "O.K. Look, this is really awkward, I've never done this before so I'll cut to the chase. I've asked around from the people at your school, and rumour has it that you might go the other way if you know what I mean. You know, bat for the other team?" I'm drunk, but I'm shocked. What the fuck? "I can't believe I'm doing this, he owes me for this." She continues, at first more to herself, "You see that blonde over there, the one in the gray sleeveless top with the Hawaiian board shorts, on the cell phone? No that way, really light blonde hair, kinda spiky, dark tan, sunglasses? Yeah that way, by that fire pit over there. What do you think of him?" Whatever, I am so not playing this game. Not here, not where I can get my ass kicked and ditched for hooking up with a guy. Screw that, and thank you higher reasoning for not abandoning me; thank you very much! "Uh, sorry. That's just a stupid rumour from school. If you'll excuse me I'm going to go find Brittany Spears again." "Look, Jon right? Just Jon. That's my best friend Chris. He thinks you're so amazing. He gushes about you all the time, we eat at your restaurant just so he can drool over you. You have no idea how crazy he drives me over you. When he spotted you here tonight he went nuts. Look at him! He put his sunglasses on so people won't see him stare at you! So I'm sorry I interfered but look, please at least go over there for him and tell him thanks but no thanks. You'll crush him but I'll be there for him like always." I'm glued in place. Shit, he is cute. Woah, not what I expected to happen. "So you're like his fag hag then?" "No, just his best friend. (awkward pause) Fine. Look, I'm sorry. He gets this feeling about you, calls it gaydar, I guess he's wrong. You said something to him in the washroom when you were bussing one day, like `hello' or something and since then he's loved you from a distance. I'm sorry, I'll go tell him he's wrong. No harm done right?" Maybe it's the beer, maybe it's the weed, but I start walking with her towards Blondie. Chris she called him. He's cracking a huge smile, totally embarrassed I'm guessing as she leans in to him and tells him the news. Instantly I see the look on his face change. Not fear like I would have, but disappointment. I suddenly feel bad. He starts to walk away with his friend quick on his heels. A couple other friends start to follow him but I catch him and try to stop him by grabbing one wrist and placing my other hand on his shoulder. There's a lump in my throat and I feel totally insecure, like I'm totally naked or something in front of everyone I know. He turns and faces me, and in a somewhat detectable gay sounding voice he protests, "Sorry man. Must creep you out that a guy's hitting on you. (He laughs nervously) I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to start anything. I told her not to say anything to you. Look, we're going now." I'm guessing that his friends know about him, he is somewhat obvious after all. So as they keep on walking towards us I risk whispering to him, "You're cute." Hello? Who the fuck told my mouth it could say that? He stops walking, "But?" Remembering his cell phone I offer, "Can you take my number?" He nods and then punches it into his phone book and presses send. He smiles when it rings in my pocket, indicating I was sincere. Of course my big problem now is that the phone is Deanna's, and I've once again borrowed it from her. "I'm Jon." I tell him so he can put it in his phone too as I feel so on the spot. Rolling his eyes, through a huge grin he exclaims, "I know!" "I, I'm not out. Kay?" I stammer. "Yeah, I know that too. You were a long shot. Like a 100 to 1. I'll call you." We're both smiling as he takes Bobbie-Sue by the hand and heads for the parking lot, giving her heck while still in my ear shot. I'm somewhat floating between drunk and some strange euphoria I just got from Chris as I walk back to the fire pit where Neil and Tania are. Before I join them I call Chris. He's happy and jokes that he's not even out of the parking lot yet. I explain the phone situation and try to give him my home number instead. He has me call him back and lets it go to voicemail so that he gets my number. I again explain the cell phone is my sisters, to be clear that he is not to call the number again. I delete his number from the recent calls lists and grab a Bud Lite I see still up for grabs. I use Paul's trick to pop it open and sneak up on Neil, kneeing him in the back of his knee to make him lose balance. "Hey smiley. Finally letting loose, huh?" Neil laughs from the sand. "Some girl asked us about you, if you're single, if you've had a girlfriend and such. Did she find you?" Tania questions. Hmmm. Yeah. She's a fag hag and I'm gonna hook up with her gay friend! Nope, better not say that. So I play it off, "What? The one that looks like a Brittany Spears whore?" Neil laughs, obviously he's seen the girl I meant. Probably got a woody over her too. Ah, straight guys. What can you do? We get cut off by Tim. "Ah, there you finally all are. Ready to go?" He inquires. "It looks like Tim's happy," I comment, not meaning to imply anything. Tim quips back, "C'mon lets move. I heard the cops are already coming to break the party up. And shut up Farrows, it's a public beach, very PG rated. Plus for your information she's a friend, I was just talking to her. How about you? Maybe you should try it!" Heck, I don't even know what girl Tim was with! As Neil snickers, Tania scowls at him. Neil presses on any way, "Geez Jon. It is about time you dumped your current girlfriend for something better, at least one that's real. What's you girl's name anyhow? Lefty Handcock? Or maybe it's your right-hand-man. Get it? Your right hand, man! You know, Dick Righthand?" Tania shuts us up, "I'm sure you boys all play with both." What a wonderful night. I don't want a new boyfriend, especially one that's obvious. But as I pine for Daniel at least I don't feel alone anymore. After riding shotgun back home I crash at Tim's again. Yeah it's a school night but I don't want my Mom seeing me drunk and Tim's parents are actually cool with me crashing anytime. They know we're teenagers and do stupid things, they just don't want us corrupting his younger siblings. I know Mom will be mad that I didn't come home, but Deanna knows what my plans for the night were, and I'm sure she'll cover for me. Although drunk, I probably should have checked with Candace and Lacey that they were alright before leaving. As a brother tonight I fail miserably. Sprawled out in Tim's bed I'm really confused about this past Friday night now, because I'm back in bed with Tim again. While he gently saws wood beside me I masturbate into a sock as cautiously as I can. It doesn't take long tonight and I really need the release. Tim never wakes, but afterwards I still can't sleep. Maybe he didn't discover I am gay after all. Maybe he is seeing Nat Wilson or something and doesn't want to say anything to me. But otherwise things are actually good now. As I share the bed again with Tim I feel happy, really happy, for the first brief time since Daniel left. [to be continued] >>).:.(<< Thanks for continuing to read. Please let me know what you think of this new part [OBW]! Disclaimers: the physical places in the story mostly really exist, but all I actually know of them is from Google Maps, so please don't shoot me if something's wrong! Also, I have written partial lyrics of an unreleased Europe song. It's a great song...I hope I don't get in crap for that.