Date: Wed, 27 May 2009 14:18:09 -0400
From: Jade <phantomscorpio77@gmail.com>
Subject: Gay/Highschool : In the Shadows of Our Lives - On Broken Wings 7

In the Shadows of Our Lives
Part 1 - On Broken Wings VII
~ Cinco de Mayo ~

Dear Journal:

It's Cinco de Mayo!  Or direct translation, the Fifth of May.  This is the
day Mexico pushed back the French armies in 1862.  Sort of like
Independence Day for Mexicans.  What's that mean to me Journal?  Well, not
a whole helluva lot really, but it's the day when we eat and drink Mexican.
Too bad it's a Monday.  That's not going to stop the party we have planned
with taco's, enchiladas, burrito's, chili-cheese nachos and salsa, Sol,
Corona and Tequila!  Plus we piss off the teachers by responding to them Si
Senior (or Seniorita), andalae, andalae!

It is playing it pretty dangerous, but I am going to invite Chris to come
along with me to the bush party right by my house and hopefully sleep over.
Dangerous because people might figure him out and thereby figure me out in
turn.  Yeah, we're teenagers and will find any excuse to drink and party
but what the hell?  Why not?  We are teenagers after all!  Plus I've missed
Chris because he was away all weekend in New York with his dad at some auto
show or convention or something.  Anyhow, here's a little catch-up on my
weekend.

It was boring.  Yup, I came home from school on Friday and waited for Tim
to pick me up to watch his game.  There was a tournament this weekend,
there is a big tournament next weekend, and the city championship is in a
few more weeks I think, so the team is working extra hard.  I have an essay
that I really had to write the final copy of so I got going on working in
Larry's revisions and was done by the time Tim's game was over.  All I had
to do was re-type it up later.

I guess I missed one helluva game.  Afterwards Tim was all sweaty and
dusty.  He's really kinda hot and sexy in his skimpy baseball uniform,
especially when he mock flirts with me in private.  After the game we went
to his place and I played NHL2000 in his room while I waited for him to
shower and get ready.  Caught a money shot of his ass as he dressed after
his shower.

We were supposed to head over to Tania's but Neil made it clear to Tim
earlier that he was planning to get some action from her, so we were to
kindly keep away.  While deciding what to do I flipped his T.V. to the
Dallas Stars game.  Rather than just hanging out at the mall, walking
around aimlessly for an hour before it closed we decided to watch the game.

Around midnight we were at the school fields, sitting on the benches and
staring at the stars.  We talked and ended up back at his place after one
in the morning.  It's strange with Tim sometimes.  I get a strange vibe off
of him sometimes, like he's trying to look right inside me and figure me
out.  For what I don't know though, although he did at one point jokingly
ask me if I ever thought about threesomes, and double teaming a girl, and
would I be comfortable with another guy.  I didn't know if that was an
offer to have sex with him, to have sex with him and a girl or if he was
fishing for my reaction in general as to what I thought about guys.  I let
it slide like I did when he was pretending to hit on me in his car right
after the game; I just said `whatever' and we left it at that.

I am not going to deny my sexuality to him anymore if he asks I have
decided.  I know he'll be cool with it, but at the same time I am not going
to say anything unless he directly asks me if I am gay.  In those precise
words.  And only if he is being sincere and not joking around.  Friday
night for sure would have been weird because when I went to bed with him he
decided to put me in a headlock and force my face into his armpit.  I
jokingly pretended to inhale deeply.  Jokingly as far as he was concerned,
but in reality it was no joke, only something I could mask as one.  Yeah,
if he knew that I was gay I doubt strongly that he would be sleeping in the
same room as me ever, let alone in the same bed, and he might realize that
having a guy manhandle me isn't exactly objectionable.  Like usual Saturday
morning he dropped me off at my first job.

My backpack must hate Friday nights and Saturdays.  CD player, CD wallet,
full change of street clothes, a work uniform including shoes, and whatever
I may try to stash for the night.  At least my music store `uniform' is
basically any of my rock shirts and whatever makes me look the rocker part.

You're up to speed now Journal.  Lates, Jon.


>>).:.(<<


It's Monday morning.  Tim is over to pick me up.  Candace has taken to
making more breakfast daily than needed for herself, and Tim's taken to
eating her left-over breakfast at our house while he waits on me to get
ready.

Tim has rep baseball tryouts after his school baseball practice so he won't
be free until like 9:00 tonight.  At lunch I call Chris and let him know
the deal.  Chris picks me up from school.  We don't really have anything
planned aside from the party I've failed to mention to Chris, and that
proves to be a good thing because as we get to my house my neighbour is
coming out of my back yard.  There is water pooled everywhere as
Mrs. Petriczko tells me that she thought maybe it was coming from inside
our house or that vandals may have turned on the water hose.

It's very metaphoric, but it feels like I am trying to run through water as
I walk from Chris's truck to the back yard and survey the disaster.  The
badly rusted part of the pool is leaning out, and collapse is imminent.  It
looks like Jaws has attacked the pool and right where his front teeth would
have left an imprint, about two and a half feet down the side of the pool,
there is a visible crack and the liner is ripped.  The water is still
leaking out at a good pace.  I finally have to suck it up and get the drain
pump and hose out of the crawlspace under the deck and set to draining the
pool.

With the pump depositing pool water to the sewers in the road, as my
favourite refuge from life is slowly being sucked away from me I invite
Chris for a swim in my pool.  He isn't a dick, like haha, look at your
shitty-ass pool or anything.  He's really nice and knows that I loved
having the pool however crappy it had become.  I offer Chris a pair of my
board shorts that I use to swim in and he graciously joins me as I bid
farewell to my pool.  Whilst I fill the gutters and storm drains with the
contents of my pool we horse around and give the pool a good send off.  We
finally get out when the water level is closer to knee height than waist
height.  It usually takes all night to drain the pool when it doesn't have
the head start it got today.

Around 5:30 my mom is home.  She's spotted Chris and I in the pool,
obviously noticed what has happened and that I'm putting the pool out of
its misery.  Something about that combination has told her to stay well
enough away from me just now.  Nah, that's not Ma, she doesn't back away
from engaging anyone in confrontation.  More likely she's decided that
based on any of those reasons that she would give me my space.  I'm a
Scorpio, and as one herself she respects that we sometimes need our space.
No doubt, if she ever wants to be in my face, she will be, come hell or
high water, or even both while in the midst of an Ice Age!

Lacey and her boyfriend are going to the Houston Astro's baseball game
tonight.  I guess Mom knows about Lacey's boyfriend after all.  As for
Chris, I haven't thought through how to have him join Nat, Tania and I at
the bush party planned in Freed Park around the corner while we wait on Tim
and Neil without it causing comment, let alone the big mouth bitch Stacey
Smith.  But I guess I don't have to worry about that at the moment any more
anyhow.  Shit, I haven't even thought through how the hell I am going to
get through the current inevitable situation of my family meeting Chris.

I'm in am all out panic just under the surface as Candace and her best
friend Jen show up in time for dinner that Larry brings over after the
football team practice is done.  Mmm, KFC.  That stuff makes me gag.  I
guess Larry doesn't understand Cinco de Mayo!  Either that or after the
being called Senior all day he's not caving into the teenager game.  My mom
called me in for dinner but Larry suggested that we eat it out on the back
deck instead.

Everyone including Bandit crowd outside with the food.  So as they are
coming outside I take the excuse of being all wet and not dressed to sneak
inside with Chris and at least put some clothes on so that we don't feel
overly exposed and naked.  This is obviously merely psychological, but I
will feel like my sexuality is completely exposed and I am trying to find
some way to put myself at ease.  I know there is some metaphoric flaw in
it, like Lady Macbeth trying to wash invisible blood off of her hands, but
whatever.

"What are you going to do?"  Chris asks as I close the sliding kitchen
door.

`Rasputin' by Boney M is playing in the kitchen.  I consider the history
lesson packed into a modern pop song ingenious.  Coming back to reality,
pensively I respond, "Dunno, really.  I'm so busted."

He bemoans me, "You're funny.  Because you have a friend over makes you a
fag in you family's eyes?  Think about it.  I might sound gay, but that
doesn't make me gay, and it sure as hell doesn't make you gay.  The fact
that we are is not common knowledge to them!"

"I guess you're right.  But you're out, and comfortable with your family.
I'm not.  Remember that," I rationalize.

I haven't explained the whole Larry situation to Chris, so he doesn't know
that Larry knows about him, or that he's known about me for like a year
now.  There's common ground because Larry's own son is gay too, but that
doesn't help me with my family.

Chris again gets the grand tour of the house, into the kitchen through the
back door where you can see Deanna's room in what should be a dining room;
opening off of the kitchen.  Down a quick hallway also opening off the
kitchen would bring us to the front door and the doorway to the living
room, and stairs going up to two small bedrooms and a bathroom.  Instead we
go through the third and final opening to the kitchen, a small area that
would have been a pantry once probably that now opens into the laundry
room.  This area is now just a cubby hole for our computer.  So after all
of four feet from the kitchen we're in the laundry room.  The laundry room
by all rights was once a coat closet and bathroom off the front entrance
before some previous owner changed it to an enclosed laundry room.

Through this tiny space of a laundry room we turn 90 degrees to the right
and go into an addition that theoretically is a mudroom, off the side of
the house between the carport and the house with boarded shut doorways on 2
other walls.  That is now my 6' by 6' bedroom, with my single mattress
directly on the floor and no room even for a dresser.  Chris didn't see my
room earlier, as we changed in the laundry room.  I feel so poor in his
presence as he sees my tiny house and my pathetic room with wall-mounted
shelves in all four corners and across two walls; serving as my dresser,
bookcase and whatnot.  He really doesn't have to, but he takes a step back
and leans up against the wall just so that I can close the door.  I mean
there were a few inches to spare!

Instantly Chris notices my artwork on the back of the door.

I have two posters that I did for art class, both incorporate the lyrics of
a song.  They are done using an air brush that Deanna and Scott have.  The
first one has High Enough by Damn Yankees written in block letters around
the border and I have a surreal picture of a tree on the summit of a hill
with wildflowers growing everywhere and an eagle in the sky above playing
with the sun.  It is bright and colourful, and full of life.

The other is more personal.  It is a collage of dozens of very faint,
overlapping colours in no particular pattern that simply looks black from
more than a few feet away.  Not jet black, but still black at first glance;
a really neat looking charcoal black with streaks of colour that fade to a
white oval in the center.  In that white center I have a black rose in
front of a black heart.  The heart has a gold glow coming off of it, and
the rose a red glow.  The blend of red and gold looks like a flame.  The
lyrics are done in script in the kaleidoscope of colour using a white-out
pen and read as The Flame from Cheap Trick.  That one was on display at a
mall and the Board of Education for a semester after I did it.

He doesn't say anything really about them, and I don't offer my inspiration
for them because I don't think he really wants to know that Daniel was that
inspiration.  In my mixed feelings towards Daniel I have rationalized that
at least the second poster was meant to be me; the dark and nondescript
rose and heart, radiating hope and love in my world of turmoil.  Me!  I am
the flame damn it!

Instead he tells me that he saw my The Flame when it was on display in the
Meyerland Plaza Shopping Center.  Small world!  I'm sort of touched that he
recognizes it and I know he's not shitting me because I never told him
about it so he really has to have seen it where he says he did.  I can't
even explain why, but this validates me somehow more than I could have ever
thought possible.

I offer, "Do you want it?"

"Seriously?  You'd give that to me?"

"Yeah.  It's all I have to give, as you can see, but if you really like it
then it's yours."  As I motion to my sparse room I'm so flattered that it
impressed him enough to be worthy or memory at all to him that I really do
want him to have it.

Chris placates me, "Sexy, you don't have to give me anything.  You're
enough."

"Fine, but seriously, if you want it I'll give it to you.  I'm so flattered
that you even recognize it; that it was worth looking at through the glass
frame to you once upon a time rather than spitball it like so many kids
did."

"Nah, I couldn't take it.  It's too personal I think.  You'd regret giving
it to me someday.  It had to mean something when you made it and I'd like
to flatter myself too, but I know that the subject of it isn't me."

I just shrug my shoulders.

Chris jokes and kisses me sweetly, "Well Sexy, we better get dressed and
outside or else they really might think something is up!"

We change back into our clothes from earlier and head outside.  I try to be
casual as I introduce Chris to everyone.  Larry obviously has an idea that
Chris is more than a friend because I've told him about Chris.  But he's
never broached the subject since, and promised not to unless I want to come
to him with it, so I'm not worried about his reaction.

I do wonder if he and my mom have really discussed anything, like oh, say,
the fact that I like boys not girls for instance?  He's let on to me that
Ma is a little curious especially after hearing from Lacey that I get
called Faggot Farrows, Jonny Fudgepacker, and other random variations at
school stemming from the Daniel incident.  But he's also assured me that he
hasn't let on anything and tried to play it down as teenagers being
teenagers.  But why would he be loyal to me and not her?  He's not dating
me, wouldn't it make more sense for him to be honest and level with her?
If he's really been true to his word with me then he is really a decent guy
in my books, and knows that being a teenager is hard enough to deal with
without any unwanted attention to sexuality.

At any rate I don't want to be a dick, and it isn't anything personal
against Larry but I get the worst gut rot from Colonel Cluck 'N Fuck and
heartburn like that really hurts.  So I offer Chris my share although my
mom has already seen to it that the 15 piece bucket has been divided and a
few choice pieces have been set aside for Chris and me.  I'm not completely
a momma's boy, but she does know without a doubt that I will not touch the
chicken with a 10 foot pole.  So I can probably safely assume that the
choice pieces have intentionally been set aside for Chris.  And of course
it's all done so as to seem coincidental.  I can't help but smile as I
think as far as mother's go, mine's pretty kick-ass.

Chris is more than happy to indulge her and eats everything she offers; the
chicken, coleslaw, fries, gravy, onion nuggets.  I begin to wonder at what
point being gracious and eating what is offered to be polite might backfire
on him.  Like what if she offers him a whole watermelon for desert maybe?
After dinner Candace and Jen debate their evening and Candace puts on one
of her `kinda had plans already' acts to Jen to get her to leave.  This is
sorta odd for her because Jen is her best friend aside from Lacey.
Especially now that Lacey is seeing that mystery guy.  So I internally
question Candace's motives.  Jen leaves shortly after 7:00 and Candace
sneaks up to her room while Larry takes off to the local Taco Bell for me.

When Larry gets back I expect him to corner me and start the inquiry with
Chris, but he doesn't.  He just gives me the Burrito Supreme combo and says
here you go son, and makes his way to the kitchen to help my mom with the
few dishes.  I don't get all defensive at that, I'm probably somewhere in
the midst of at least ten thousand male students he has called son
throughout his years.  We all get called son until we do something to stand
out to him, then we get called by our last names.  If we cross him, we get
put on a first name basis.  Basically if Coach / Vice Principal Maynes
calls you by your first name you are a walking target for discipline.  He
knows the fear that being called by a first name carries, even outside of
school so he just calls me son around the house.

It would seem odd for him to call me by my last name so we have mutually
agreed on this.  I know he wants me to get on a first name basis with him
around home.  It probably hurts him a bit that I call him by his first name
and he can't do the same but I have lived in fear of him as the maniacal
gym teacher / football coach / vice principal for 3 years and I can't help
it if I freeze in place when he uses my first name.  It really is his fault
after all that he casts such a reputation; that he can make men all over
the city worry what they might be guilty of at the mere sound their first
name being uttered by his voice, even if it's been years since they
graduated!  The fact that he is a sincere man in his desire to mold us
teenagers into the most happy and productive people we can be is really
only known by the hard cases that have clashed with him and have firsthand
experience that he really is a friend and a resource at school, not an
enemy.

Yeah, I know.  Whatever.  Bad asses actually respecting him?  Probably not.
So long story short; at any rate still, when he calls me by my first name I
get all nervous and am ready to confess to anything short of blowing up the
world.  So son it is.  It doesn't bother me either that he calls me son
around the house.  Again, it beats the alternative, and I don't dislike
him.  If Mom marries him, like Deanna said to me a few months ago, there
are a lot worse things that he could offer her than genuine happiness.  So
even though it probably goes against the `teenager with a single parent'
code to like their parent's prospective interest, I am cool with him.

By the time I finish eating my Taco Bell, minus the supreme fries that
Candace swooped down to appropriate, Mom and Larry are back outside.  I
excuse Chris and I so that I can slip inside and call Tania's cell phone
and let her know why I've stiffed her tonight.  She's totally cool with it,
but says I'm missing a good time.  I can hear the party getting louder from
my back yard, half a block away from the woods in Freed Park.  The evening
is otherwise quiet and still, and now that the four of us are outside with
no distractions it's painfully awkward sitting in silence.  I talk idly
with Chris, but I don't want anything to come out that my mom shouldn't
hear, and well, I don't know.  It's just strange sitting here with my
secret boyfriend, my mom and her boyfriend.

Candace breaks the funeral up, inquiring if the case of beer in the back of
Chris's truck is up for grabs.  Without really thinking Chris said for her
to help herself.  A minute later she is filling a bucket with the Corona's
and some ice she had bought for her previous party plans.  After dropping
the bucket in front of Chris and me she opens a bottle and drains half of
it is one long sip.  Chris asks to no one specifically if anyone else would
like one.  I am almost sitting on my hands wondering if we'll get away with
drinking in front of Ma and Larry or what.

Larry asks Chris if he's sure, and after Chris confirms that he is Larry
pulls out four bottles; handing one each to my mom, Chris and me.  So we
all get to drink in the evening sun.  I use Paul's bottle opener trick.  We
sit out on the deck and drink a few beers in honor of our fallen friend;
the pool.  We sort of have a summer kick off night where I get to drink
real alcohol in front of my mom for the first time.  I've never been
allowed a drink around home other than wine on holidays.  It's weird
because I've smoked up with her once, but she certainly is neither a
pothead nor a drinker so the night seems like a `rights of passage' kind of
night for me.

Conversation picks up and we all get to talking about a variety of things
from the new Star Wars movies to sports, to the upcoming election.  My mom
wanted Ross Perot to run again, but is probably going with Bush while Larry
is heavily in favour of Al Gore.  Chris and Candace are also pro Bush and I
lean towards the Democrats.  So we leave that subject, because it is
starting to get a bit personal.  Soon enough Chris and I are nursing a
second beer and nothing is said about the fact that we shouldn't be.  We
get to talking about the house and how mom could renovate it once we're all
gone for school.  Candace drops a bit of a bombshell and tells us that she
has applied for, been interviewed for, and offered to work on a cruise ship
that makes its way around the world for a year before going on to college.
She always said that she wanted to do so; make some money before going on
with school and see the world doing it.  It shouldn't come as a surprise
but in the end it still does.

We get philosophical about life from there.  I think Ma is really enjoying
the night because there aren't many more innocent nights like this left in
her roost.  We're all getting ready to spread our wings and fly.

Before Chris grabs a third Larry does inquire as to driving home and that
is sort of our indicator that he's cut off of his own beer.  He hands it to
me instead.  As I was just already on my third I chug it and take the one
he was going to drink.  I'm not much for the taste, and they are a bit warm
still, but after the fourth they are going down easy.  I get cut off after
the fifth one that Chris had handed me partly because I am obviously
buzzing and partly because Larry reminds me that he can't excuse a hangover
at school tomorrow, especially one that he is present for the creation of,
so I better take it easy the rest of the night.  As the sun sets I notice
Candace stealing a lot of glances at Chris and I am trying to figure out if
she is crunching on him or if she is on to me.

Chris has the sense to not rest a hand momentarily on my leg, or rub my
back or show any such display of affection.  I did not intend for Chris to
meet my family, but the pool fiasco has vicariously prompted the meeting.
Chris tries his best to sound butch and straight, and if not for having
gone to bed with him a few times I may almost believe it myself.  Well,
O.K. maybe not.  Larry knows straight away what is up, and I think Candace
has a good idea too.  My mom, I really think is blissfully ignorant.  But
maybe not.  I just don't know for sure.  At any rate no one says anything
remotely touching on the subject of sexuality.

Larry is very cautious in fact in not asking much of anything about Chris
because he knows that Chris isn't from Parkwood, and thankfully Candace
doesn't act like Chris is a foreigner either.  Maybe she doesn't know he's
not from our school.  Either way Ma isn't accidently brought up to speed.
It almost is too much to endure; everyone being nice and stuff and treating
Chris and I with kid gloves.  So it's a big ole charade in front of Ma for
my benefit, and a dramatic show on Larry's part for me to her.  That too
has got me thinking, he is really nice to me and I know his own son turned
out gay and he's cool with that.  He's cool with me to the point that he's
keeping the secret from my mom.  So just what are his intentions towards my
mom if he is keeping a pretty huge secret about her son from her?  If she
just asks if Chris is my boyfriend then the gig will be up, but she really
is either ignorant to the fact, or plain ignoring it.

When as the night draws to an end Chris and I don't even kiss goodbye, in
case anyone sees.  All in all, it's not been a bad night.  Our relationship
has experienced a real life moment rather than a drunken teenager one and
we've done well.  I guess it's helping build the foundation between us and
we've also gotten the first time meeting my family out of the way.  It has
a sort of surreal quality to it really, when I think about it.  Larry stays
the night while I wish Chris could have.  As I hit the sac alone another
Cinco de Mayo is in the books for me.

[to be continued]