Date: Tue, 23 Dec 2003 22:19:57 -0800
From: e@iomfats.org
Subject: Into the Lions Den chap 6b
Into the Lion's Den
A story by e
c 2002 SunShine DayDreamers UnLimited
all rights reserved
DISCLAIMER: This story may contain graphic
descriptions of violence. It also may contain descriptions
of sexual encounters between minors that are homosexual,
heterosexual, and/or bisexual in nature. If offended by
such things or if you are not of legal age in the country
where you live, then read no further. The characters and
events depicted in this story are completely fictional and
any resemblance to any real persons, places, or events is
purely coincidental. This story may not be reproduced in
whole or in part without the expressed written consent of
the author. Comments or questions regarding this story may
be sent via email to e@iomfats.org. My stories and those of
some other very good authors are hosted at
http://www.iomfats.org/ Please visit us there.
*********
Chapter 6b: Joey's Story
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Joey's Story is meant to be read after
Into the Lion's Den, Chapter 6.
This chapter also deals with the act of suicide. If
you are or think you may become suicidal, do not read this
chapter, please call for help. In the USA you can call the
Nine line sponsored by Covenant House - 1-800-999-9999. I
have also listed links at the end of this chapter to several
websites where you can find further information pertaining
to teenage suicide. I am not affiliated with any of these
sites or the hotline numbers listed above.
*******
"You know, Mike, I haven't had a best friend since.
Well, probably never. Would you be my best friend? I
wouldn't really have to be yours." I was sitting on Mike's
bed, in his room in the basement of his aunt's house. Mike
was sitting on his chair with his feet on the bed, facing
me. He had invited me to spend the night. His older
cousins, Cliff and James had been watching TV with us. It
was a late night sci-fi flick, "Robinson Crusoe on Mars."
Made about ten years ago. A "B" movie, but not bad. Anyway
the movie ended about 1am and his cousins had gone upstairs
to bed. We had moved to Mike's bedroom and had been talking
for about 15 minutes.
"I thought Chris was your best friend." Mike had kind
of scrunched his eyebrows together giving me a rather
questioning look.
"He's a good friend, the only other real friend I've
got. But I'd rather have you for a best friend."
"How come?"
Mike never makes anything easy. He always needs to
know more. And he always chooses the hard way to do things.
Sometimes, it's what I like best about him, but other times,
he can be downright irritating. I could tell this was gonna
be one of those irritating times. I really didn't want to
talk down about Chris. I've been spending too much of my
time trying to build Chris up and get them back together.
"Because you're more dedicated to your friends than he
is."
"You mean I wouldn't run away from you and leave you
hanging out to dry."
"You know that's not fair, Mike. Chris didn't want you
to get hurt." I was trying to look disgusted. "Can't you
just forgive him and move on?"
"If he asks for it, I can forgive him. But he's got to
prove himself if he wants me back."
Damn, why did we have to end up talking about Chris?
Now Mike was all bummed out. I wanted to make him feel
better and I had just bummed him out.
"But you won't even say how he can do it."
"He's gonna have to figure that one out for himself. I
can't just tell him what to do `cause I don't know." Mike
sighed and looked down at his feet. "But you can't tell me
you've never had a best friend before."
Oh thank God we were gonna get back to that and not
dwell on Chris. It was like he read my mind, then again,
maybe he didn't want to talk about Chris either.
"Yeah, I had a best friend once." I'd almost rather
talk about Chris than what happened with that.
"So what happened, he move away or something?"
"Yeah, um, no, I mean, sort of." We both started
laughing a little at my awkwardness. I was never very good
at talking about myself. I hadn't had much practice. "I'm
the one that moved, but something happened before that."
Now I was the one looking at Mike's feet. He wasn't wearing
any socks and I couldn't help but notice how perfect his
toenails were. God Joey, you are weird. You're trying to
have a serious conversation and all you can think of is how
much Mike's feet turn you on. But for a second or two
that's all I could think of. His toes were perfect, too.
Long and slender and straight, not crooked like some guys
I'd seen. He obviously took care of them.
"So you gonna tell me about him or are you just gonna
drool all over my feet?" Mike had a great big shit eating
grin and chuckled a bit.
I could feel my face turning red. I looked away from
him and brought my right hand to cover my eyes. "I. I. I'm
sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for. You can look all you want.
Hell, I'll even let you suck my toes if you want. Long as
you promise not to get a boner and don't go above the
ankles." Mike was laughing hard now. He had grabbed his
sides.
"Well, I might not go above the ankles, but it's a
little late for that other thing." Now he had me smiling.
It was easier to tell Mike I had a hard on than it was to
talk about my best friend.
Mike stretched out his leg and moved his foot until it
landed gently in my crotch. "Oh God, you do." He giggled
some more and rubbed my boner with his foot.
"Fuck, Mike, I'm gonna cum if you keep that up." I had
to grab his foot with both hands to stop him. I took a
couple deep breaths trying to stay under control. It was
really tough since his foot had remained on my cock.
"Damn Joey, you really are about to cum." He pulled
his foot away and lowered it to the bed beside me. "Fuckin'
pervert."
"Shit Mike, your the first one except for Chris to
touch me there. I. I. I didn't mean to." Dammit, he'll
never be my best friend now. Why do I always fucking blow
things. I could feel a tear building up in my eye. I felt
like I was shaking.
"Relax Joey, I was just kidding around. Havin' a
little fun. I think it's neat that I turn you on so much."
He was grinning and laughing again.
"Fuck Mike, you don't know how hard it is."
"Wrong, Joey, I DO KNOW how hard it is." Mike doubled
over with laughter and slid right out of his chair. His
butt made a thud as he hit the floor and the chair fell on
top of him.
"Ouch! Dammit!" He just continued laughing as he
rolled onto his side and began rubbing his butt.
"Want me to kiss it and make it better?" I move onto
my hands and knees towards the edge of the bed. It was my
turn to laugh.
"Yeah." He got to his knees and raised his butt
towards my face.
I leaned forward and planted my lips on the right
cheek.
"Damn Joey. I can't take you anywhere." He moved away
and sat back in the chair.
I returned to my original position sitting on the bed,
leaning against the wall and looking at him. "God Mike, you
are such a tease." I put my hands in my lap trying to cover
my erection.
"Only because I know I can, Joey." I just loved that
smile of his. It was so bright, so sexy.
"I should stop trying to get you back together with
Chris and work on getting some of you for myself."
"Yeah well, the ONLY way that would work is IF you were
the only other fag in school AND if you have the biggest
dick in the whole school." He just kept on smiling.
"But I AM! And I DO!" Oh shit Joey. How stupid can
you be. He's baiting you again. I put my hands over my
face to hide my shame at falling for that one.
"So, let's hear about this friend of yours." He was
suddenly serious again.
"Well, I don't really know where to begin."
"The beginning is usually a good place." He smiled.
I just shook my head. "All right." I sighed.
"Van had just moved into the neighborhood and I was
riding my bike down the street when I saw him carrying a bag
of garbage out to the curb. I stopped and we chatted. We
were in the second grade and were best friends from that
moment on. We did everything together. Rode bikes. Played
with army men and toy trucks. He even got me to join little
league with him one year. I was terrible and refused to
play the next year, but that was how close we were. We'd do
things we didn't even like just because the other one was
doing it. Even though he lived across the street, we spent
the night at each other's house nearly every weekend from
the fourth grade on. We even went with each other's family
on vacations in the summer. I didn't need other friends and
never really made any. Van was enough."
I took a deep breath before continuing. By the time we
got to seventh grade my whole life centered around Van.
Without him I was hopeless, vulnerable. With him I could be
strong, confident.
"But it all started to fall apart when we began seventh
grade. That was when I first realized I was in love with
him."
"Oh shit." Mike swallow hard. "You told him?"
"Just listen, ok?"
*******
I was nervous as Hell. Today was the first day we were
required to dress for gym class. I got off the bus, books
in one hand, gym bag in the other, and headed for my locker.
Gym was first period and I was in no hurry to get there.
I had never been naked in front of anyone before. I'd
never seen anyone naked before. I had seen Van and a couple
other guys in their underwear before. But that was it.
Just thinking about changing in front of the other guys had
given me a boner and if just thinking about it could make me
hard, what would it do in real life?
I dumped my books in my locker and headed down the hall
towards the locker room, gym bag in hand. I remember
passing some of my classmates, saying hello, but just
barely. I don't think I could tell you who. Not until I
stepped inside the locker room. A lot of the guys were in
there already, Van included. I saw him in the corner. He
had taken a spot just at the end of the last row of lockers
and had begun to undress. I looked around quickly as I
entered. There were several classmates in various stages of
undress, but none naked. One boy, I hadn't seen him before
was wearing nothing but his jock. I bit my lower lip as I
got an eyeful from the front, then from the rear as he
turned towards his locker. It was the first naked butt I
had ever seen. And God it was cute. I swallowed and turned
my eyes back towards Van.
"Joey. Hey, back here." Van was motioning for me to
come in his direction.
"Hey Van." I walked past a row of lockers, not daring
to look anywhere but straight ahead. There was another boy
next to Van, Terry. He was just what I needed. Kind of
homely looking, tall, no muscles and no tone, pale skin with
little red veins running under it. Talk about ugly. That
got my attention off my own dick. I looked around the
corner of the row.
"Hey Lance." Johnnie Lance was a real cutie. Kind of
short, silver-blond hair, green eyes that were big and
round. He had a tall smile with a slight overbite, real
toothy, and kind of cheeky, like a chipmunk. He was
shirtless and still wearing his pants.
"Hey Joey, what's the haps?" He didn't even look up,
just continued undressing.
I took the locker next to his. I was across from Van
and down a few spaces. Richard, one of the most popular
boys in class and one of the best athletes was next to me.
Don Logan, the most popular boy and the premier athlete in
our class was across from him. Logan was pulling off his
pants as I opened my locker. I couldn't help but take a
quick look. Fruit of the Loom briefs, tight fitting and
sticking out a bit in front. The bright white fabric was a
stark contrast to his golden brown tan. My eyes slowly rose
from his crotch up to his navel, a bit of an innie, but just
a bit. He had a nice beginning to a six pack as I continued
my gaze upward. He turned towards his locker and hung his
pants inside, then pulled off his socks, dropping them in
the bottom of the locker. The muscles in his back rippled a
little as his raised his hands to his hips, hooked his
thumbs into the waistband of his briefs, then quickly bent
forward, slipping his briefs over his hips and letting them
drop to the floor. His butt was a little flatter than the
other boy and nearly as white as his briefs. I grinned at
the dimples in his cheeks and licked my lips as I stared at
his crack. I could see the back of his balls hanging
underneath.
Oh shit, Joey, you can't stare. But I couldn't pull my
eyes away. I pretended to be looking at the floor as I
lowered my head. Somehow I was undressing too and had
pulled off my shoes and socks, then began unbuttoning my
shirt. Don turned back towards me and I gasped, hoping no
one could hear as I saw my first naked cock. It was smaller
than mine, and hairless. Pinkish colored with a reddish
pink head capping it off. A small wrinkled sack hung
underneath. His balls were smaller too. Don hadn't yet hit
puberty. But it didn't matter. I watched as his little
thing dangled and bounced from side to side as he took his
jock strap from his gym bag, untangled it and stepped
inside. I felt myself shiver as he used his hand to adjust
himself after pulling it up.
By some miracle, I hadn't gone hard. I looked over at
Van who had already changed into his gym shorts and was
pulling on his t-shirt. He was looking at me and smiled.
Oh shit! Had he been watching me all this time? Had
he seen me staring at Don. Oh no. He couldn't have, could
he? Please don't let him have noticed. I took a deep
breath. He hadn't said anything. Neither had anyone else.
Another breath. No. They couldn't have noticed. Someone
would have said something. Someone would have called me a
fag by now.
I turned back just in time to see Richard's hairless
weiner disappear inside his jock. It might have been even
smaller than Don's although Richard was much bigger. I
swallowed. Oh God, please don't let me get hard. I could
feel a stirring in my briefs. As quickly as I could I
yanked off my pants, grabbed my jock from my gym bag and
turned towards my locker. I set my jock on the shelf,
stepped out of my undies and practically tripped over my
jock as I quickly pulled it on. I had to turn back towards
the bench to get my shorts, but with my dick safely tucked
into my tight-fitting jock, it would be hard for anyone to
notice that I was nearly half hard. I looked up to see two
other boys near the end of the row, their little weenies
wiggling as they fought with their jocks, trying to get them
on. Was I the only boy in my class with pubic hair?
Gym class itself was almost as bad. We played flag
football. A sport at which I was pretty pathetic. I played
receiver. The quarterback threw the ball to me once, right
at the end of the game. It hit me in the chest and bounced
harmlessly away. I'd been standing in the end zone. We
lost by one touchdown. Everybody yelled at me.
On the way back into the locker room, Van caught up
with me.
"Don't worry about it, man." He put his hand on my
shoulder.
"Easy for you to say. Your team won."
"Yeah, well, some of us got it, some of us don't."
"You're not making me feel any better."
"Didn't know I was supposed to."
I smiled at him.
"Just one hint, man."
I looked over at him.
"Don't stare at the dudes in the locker room. Someone
will think you're queer." He gave me a shove and started to
jog ahead.
"I wasn't staring."
Van turned back towards me. "Yeah, right."
"It's just. Dammit Van, I never seen nobody else naked
before."
"Yeah, well, if you're curious, you glance over,
quickly, man. So nobody notices." He turned back and took
off running.
I just stopped an hung my head. Did my best friend
think I was a fag? I closed my eyes. Oh God, that's all I
need.
*******
Mike was chuckling. "You got caught looking your very
first day. That's funny, Joey."
"Yeah well, I didn't think so." I slapped playfully at
the top of his foot.
Mike responded by using his foot to shove my thigh.
"And you never stared at another guy?" I wanted to
hear him deny it.
"Of course I did, still do sometimes."
"And no one ever caught you?"
"Nope, I'm too smart for that. Besides, even if
someone noticed, no one ever suspected me of anything. Not
`til I came to your rescue, anyway."
I sighed, damn, he'll probably never let me forget
about THAT. "So what do you mean you're too smart?"
Mike smiled. "Like your friend told you, you glance.
You don't let your eyes linger very long. But if you want a
really good look. Then start talking to the guy. That way
you got a reason to look at him. Or follow him into the
showers, take the one next to him or across from him."
"Yeah, I learned how to look without being caught,
eventually."
"So what was Van like? You had to see him, right?"
I smiled, "Of course I did."
*******
I hurried on into the locker room. I didn't want to be
late for my next class and the coach had only given us ten
minutes to change and shower. As I entered I noticed that
at least I wasn't the only guy with pubes. I didn't even
have the most. Randy and Tom were changing on the isle
facing the door as I entered. Randy was standing there with
a towel over his shoulder talking to another guy, and Tom
was stripping off his jock. Both guys had nice v-shaped
bushes and long thick dicks. They were about the same size,
a bit longer and thicker than my own. Randy's was darker,
Tom's was the same pinkish color as the rest of his skin.
Remembering what Van said, I didn't look too long, just
glancing as I walked by.
I looked up at Van as I shifted my glance. He was
standing in his jock. He smiled and yanked it down. I'd
swear he did it just so he could watch my reaction as I
looked. His balls hung a lot lower than his dick did. They
were bigger around than Don's or Richard's, but his penis
was about the same length as Don's and was a light brown
color. I glanced up at him and smiled. He mouthed the
words "don't stare" as I walked by. I quickly looked over
at Don. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and was
headed towards the shower. Richard had his butt towards me
as he pulled off his jock.
I untied my shoes, loosened the laces and kicked them
off as I pulled my t-shirt over my head. I was running late
and needed to hurry. My socks were next and then quickly,
my shorts and jock. I grabbed my towel and wrapped it
around my waist as I began my way to the showers.
Oh God, it was fucking paradise. Ten shower heads, ten
naked twelve year olds, with about a half dozen more
standing outside the shower room with towels around their
waists waiting their turn. Some weren't much of a turn on,
but Don, Richard, Tom, Randy, Lance, and Van, oh man. I had
to turn away after a very quick glance around the room. I
could feel myself starting to come to life. No Joey, no
Joey, no Joey. Take a deep breath. Think of something
else. Anything else. Teresa Lynch. Another deep breath.
Teresa Lynch naked. Oh God, yes. That's going to work.
She had to be the ugliest thing on legs. The only way she
could have been worse was if she was fat. She had long
stringy hair, always kind of matted together. It was sort
of brownish, but it she would just wash it, it might be
blond. Thick lips and sagging jowls gave her a constant
frown. I don't think she ever closed her mouth. Pimples,
too. Lot's of them. Flat chest, skinny, scrawny body. I'd
seen her in a bathing suit last summer at the pool. I
nearly lost my lunch.
"You look like you're gonna throw up." Van gave me a
swat on the butt that caused my towel to fall to the floor.
"Asshole." I said as I bent down to pick it up.
A couple of the guys whistled. Van laughed as he dried
himself. His dick swaying back and forth. He was looking
at me.
"Fuck, Joey. Just put the towel on the hook and get
your shower."
*******
"Just what the fuck is so funny?"
Mike was laughing again. "I'm just trying to picture
you standing there naked with a bunch of guys looking at
your asshole while you bent over to pick up your towel."
Mike's tongue was sticking out he was laughing so hard.
"Yeah, you want to imagine my asshole? You ain't gonna
have to imagine." I rolled on my side and quickly unsnapped
my jeans, yanking them down while I pushed my butt into the
air.
SMACK!
"OWWW!" I fell forward as Mike slapped my butt. Thud!
My head bumped the wall. "FUCK!" I rolled over onto my
back. My pants and underwear were at mid thigh and I felt
my dick slap against my leg.
Mike lunged forward and grabbed my pants. He was too
quick. I didn't realize what he was doing until it was too
late. He yanked off my pants and underwear in one quick
motion, jerking me across the bed towards him as he did.
"What the fuck are you doin'?" I was trying to sound
angry, but was laughing too hard.
"Pantsing you, you stupid son of a bitch." He was
laughing too and then grabbed my t-shirt and jerked it up
over my head.
I couldn't see because my shirt was covering my eyes.
He didn't yank it off. Instead he used it to bind my arms
and hold them over my head.
"Please Mike, let me up." He just laughed harder.
"Aw, c'mon, Mike, this is embarrassing. I'm getting a hard
on."
"That's what you get for mooning me. I'm gonna stick
around to watch the sunrise." He really thought that was
funny and laughed even harder.
"Miiiiike!" My protests were only half-hearted ones.
I was really hoping he would reach out and touch me. Oh
God, PLEASE! But the hand I desperately wanted to feel wrap
itself around my growing hardness never came. I continued to
grow. I felt my cock roll off my thigh and scoot its way up
my abdomen. I was fully erect. I couldn't see him, of
course, but I could feel his eyes on my dick.
"Damn Joey. That's fucking huge! Awesome!"
I still couldn't see. I didn't need to. I was panting,
not only from the struggle, but from the excitement.
"That's the biggest, most awesome thing I've ever seen!
Fuck Joey, I never even dreamed of one so big!"
OH shit the excitement in his voice had done it. I
felt my balls being drawn up, tightening. My dick throbbed,
once, twice. I gasped and then I exploded.
"Uhhhhggg!" I damn near choked. "UUUUHHHGGGG!" I
could feel the jets of cum leaving my body, landing on my
chest. "Aaaaahhhhhh!" One final gasp. My whole body went
limp. I slithered out from under Mike's grasp. My shirt
popping off my head as I did. I was free, but I was too
fucking exhausted to move.
"Fuck! Joey that was fuckin' awesome, man. Unfucking
believable. I mean, damn. That was some kinda explosion!
Cum flyin' everywhere. I've seen you in the showers, but
you were soft. I thought it was huge then. But I never
thought. well. it was, like that!"
I looked up at him, still out of breath. A smile crept
across my face. Mike was smiling. I could tell that he
really enjoyed the show. Usually I was embarrassed about
the size of my dick. But Mike had a way of making me feel
proud, too.
"Damn, Joey." He was looking at me, watching my dick
get soft, looking at the sperm puddles on my chest and
stomach.
"Throw me my underwear, man, so I can wipe myself off.
Unless you want to clean me up." I was grinning hopefully.
Mike just laughed. "Still fuckin' horny after all
that?"
"Always, man, always." I chuckled.
Mike hopped off the bed and pulled my briefs out of my
pants and tossed them to me. I wiped up and threw the messy
things back into the floor.
"I gotta take a leak, man."
"Go for it."
I walked naked across the basement to the bathroom.
When I came out, Mike was standing by the door to the
backyard. It was open.
"Nice night."
"Yeah, let's head out to the cabana. You can finish
your story." He stepped outside and I followed.
"You're not getting' dressed?"
"Nah, I told you before. I like walking outside naked.
You ought to try it."
Mike smiled as we reached the cabana. "I have, man."
He pulled his shirt over his head, then dropped his pants.
We both sat naked on the picnic table, looking out at the
moon and the stars.
*******
For the next several months, I kept wondering about
myself, my sexuality. Was I gay? I wasn't sure. But I
was. Sure that is. I was gay. I didn't want to be. I
wasn't really even sure what it meant. But I knew it wasn't
good. I didn't like it and I was beginning not to like
myself. I was also anxious, afraid someone might discover
my secret.
I really liked looking at my friends in the locker
room. Even the fat kids. I was fascinated by all the
different shapes and sizes. Some guys had little short
ones, all wrinkled and pulled up to their bodies. Usually
their balls were tight. Almost to the point of looking like
there was one big testicle inside instead of two smaller
ones. Other guys were more like smaller versions of me.
Long ones, thick and full looking. Almost hard, even when
they were soft. Sometimes their balls were tight, too. But
on others, they hung lower and longer. I liked looking at
those kind of balls more. I wished mine hung more like
that, instead they are usually sort of semi-tight. If my
balls just hung lower, my dick might look more normal.
Well, not really, The only way to make that thing look
normal would be to cut about half of it off. Then it would
be more like those small and wrinkled ones. I bet the
smaller, more wrinkled ones grew more when they got hard
than the thick, fuller-looking one grew. There was even one
boy who was uncircumcised. The first time I saw it, I
thought something was wrong with it. It looked like his
whole dick head had been cut off. Later I found out that it
was the rest of us who weren't normal.
I liked watching my friends develop, too. There had
been only three of us with pubic hair that first day, but by
Christmas, about a third of the class had them. Van's dick
had really grown. It was hanging lower than his testicles
now and had a really nice patch of hair above it. It was
about the same size as mine, but a little thinner. His dick
head fit nicely on the end. Mine looked like it was about
three sizes too big. Mine had a huge ridge on the back.
Van's was almost flat. His balls looked bigger than mine,
too. They definitely hung lower.
"So whatcha thinkin' `bout?" I was at Van's house,
laying on his bed. We were looking at a Playboy he had
gotten from some older kid. It was a birthday present. Van
had just turned thirteen.
I gave him one of those "You gotta be kidding" looks.
There was only one thing either of us was thinking about and
that was how Goddamn horny we were.
"Betcha got a hard on." He was smiling.
"Bet you do too."
"Sure do, wanna see?" He jumped up off the bed and
started undoing his pants.
"What the fuck are you doin'?" I had rolled over onto
my side and was looking at him.
"You wanna see it don'tcha?" He pulled them over his
hips along with his underwear. "You're always looking at it
in the locker room."
"Uh." I grunted and swallowed. I couldn't belive
this.
I heard it slap up against his stomach as it sprang
free of his underwear. He had turned away from me and I was
getting a good view of the back of his balls hanging below
the cheeks of his ass. Van straightened up as he kicked off
his pants. His hand reached in front and it was obvious he
was playing with himself. He turned towards me, stroked
himself a couple of times, then let go of his dick.
"Jesus Christ, Van." My eyes were wide. I had dreamed
of this ever since the first time I had seen him naked.
"Pretty big, huh?" He flopped down on the bed beside
me.
"Uh, yeah." I figured that his was about the same as
mine, but much thinner. It had been a little thinner when
limp, but didn't seem to have gotten thicker as it grew. I
was still looking at it as he rolled onto his side, facing
me and took it into his hand once again.
"So you gonna join me or what?"
"Join you?" I hadn't actually thought of taking off my
clothes. I took a breath.
"Well you are gonna beat off aren't you?" Van's hand
had stopped working his dick, though he didn't let go.
"Uh, yeah, I guess." I rolled off the other side of
his bed and slowly began to remove my clothes.
I wasn't really sure what he meant by "beat off." I'd
heard guys talking about it. But I didn't really know how.
In sex ed, they told us that sperm would come out when you
masturbate, but it had never happened with me. I wondered
if Van could do it.
God Joey, what if he can and you can't? You'll never
hear the end of it. But you can't back out, if you do he'll
tease you for that. Van was always teasing me. Mostly it
was just fun, his way of getting me to do things I really
didn't want to do. But once in a while, he could get
carried away.
I was really nervous as I turned to face him. I didn't
know what to do. I just hoped I could make it happen. I
had been having wet dreams for a few weeks, at least I
thought that's what it was. I'd wake up in the morning with
a hard on or my underwear would be wet and sticky. But I
hadn't ever been able to cum on my own.
"Damn Joey, yours is as big as mine." He was looking
down at me.
My hard on was pointing out at him. It didn't stand up
the way his did.
"Come here, stick it next to mine. Let's see who's
bigger." Van stepped towards me. He pointed his dick at me
and moved so we were standing together.
I grasped mine in my right hand and moved it next to
his. They touched. I gasped and Van looked at me. I was
so nervous. I didn't want him to think I was some kind of
weirdo. But at the same time, I wanted him to know that I
was gay. I wanted to know if he was. He had to be, didn't
he? I mean, this was his idea. He was the one that moved
over and put his dick up against mine. He had to be. But I
couldn't speak. I just stood there.
"Yup, same size." He stepped back and flopped onto his
bed. He looked up at me. "Well, let's do it." He patted
the bed next to him with his hand indicating that I should
lay next to him.
I did and he put the magazine between us, opening it
back to the centerfold. I looked over at him and he was
stroking himself up and down at a nice pace. I marveled at
how his balls seemed to jump up and down as he pulled his
boyhood. I didn't do it the same way he did. I just kind
of reached over my dick head with my fingers, gripped the
skin underneath, and twisted it back and forth. I glanced
at his face. Was he looking at the magazine, or was he
looking at me? I couldn't tell. I saw him lick his lips.
I wanted to kiss him. Every fiber of my body wanted me
to kiss him. But I didn't have the courage. I was shaking.
It was driving me crazy. I bit my lower lip.
Van quickened his pace. He rolled from his side to his
back and switched to his right hand, using his left to pull
on his sack. I gasped a bit as he stretched it out and
rolled the skin between his fingers. That was how I liked
to do it too. His breathing was faster now. His right hand
flying. I couldn't believe how fast he was going. I was
moving my hand faster, too, but it was the same twisting
motion I had started with. I shivered. Suddenly Van's hips
thrust into the air.
"Aaaahhh! Aaaahhhhh! Aaaah!" A long rope of white
goo came squirting out. It went about a foot into the air
and splashed down onto his chest. Then a second. Finally a
third. His hips rising and then falling with each shot.
Van collapsed back onto the bed, his breathing heavy. "Ohhh
yeah! God I needed that."
"Damn Van, that was hot." I didn't know what else to
say. It was certainly the most amazing thing I'd ever seen.
Van looked up at me and smiled. "Your turn, man."
My turn. And with Van watching. He was definitely
looking at my dick now. Shit. What if I couldn't do it.
Just concentrate, Joey. Suddenly it occurred to me to do
what I had just seen him do. I could pull up and down on
it. Maybe that was it. Maybe I'd just been doing it wrong.
I changed my grip and started sliding my fingers up and
down the length of my shaft. I took a deep breath, yeah,
that felt good. This had to be the way. But Van was still
different somehow. I tried to picture what he'd been doing.
That's it! He was gripping tighter, pulling the skin along
with his fingers instead of just sliding them over it. I
tried it. Oh yes, this was easier. It took a few seconds
to get comfortable with it, then I increased my pace. I was
breathing harder too. I closed my eyes. I tried to imagine
that Van was still stroking his cock. I opened my eyes and
looked at him. His eyes were fixed on my crotch. I looked
at his. It was soft now, but still really hot-looking. I
hadn't seen the underside of it before. I noticed the
streaks of cum still on his chest and stomach.
Then I felt a tightening in my groin. I gasped. I
thought I was going to pee. I started to get up, then
realized that it wasn't pee. Oh god I was going to cum.
"Uhh!" I felt the first jet fly from my penis. A wave of
pleasure caused me to shudder. I looked down at myself.
There was a small white puddle next to my navel. "Uhhhh!"
A second squirt just kind of dribbled out. I lay on the bed
panting as my hand slowed its motion. I hadn't really shot
much. But God did it feel good. I was drained.
"Cool Joey. For a while, I didn't think you could do
it yet." Van was smiling at me. He sat up, throwing his
feet off the bed. Then he lunged forward and grabbed his
underwear, mine too, and tossed them to me. He began wiping
himself off with his and I did the same. "I always wonder
what my mom thinks when she finds my underwear all stuck
together."
Now that was a thought that hadn't occurred to me. I'd
have to make sure my mom wouldn't find out. "You think she
knows?"
"Don't know. She never says anything." Van tossed his
undies onto the floor and pulled down the bed covers. "I'm
ready for some shuteye, how `bout you?"
"You're not gonna put something on first?" I'd never
known Van to sleep naked before. He'd just started sleeping
in his underwear a couple of months ago. Before that we
always wore PJs.
"Wearing a pair of gooey underwear to bed isn't exactly
my idea of comfort." He got under the sheets and pulled
them over him.
I just shrugged and got into bed next to him. We each
rolled over, our backs now to each other. I was hardly
ready for sleep. I was still in disbelief. I had just had
my first orgasm, jacking off with the boy of my dreams, and
now I was sleeping next to him, naked. I was hard again,
too.
*******
I was sitting on the bench, leaning back against the
picnic table. Mike was sitting on the table, his feet on
the bench. He was smiling down at me.
"So your first orgasm was in front of another boy?" He
continued grinning.
"Yeah, It really felt weird doing it with someone
watching, but at least I was able to figure out how." I
could feel my face turning red, though it wasn't likely Mike
would be able to tell in the dark.
"It's hard to imagine that you, of all people, Captain
Jackoff himself, not knowing how."
"Well damn, Mike, how did you figure it out?" Maybe I
could turn the tables a little bit.
"I was just laying in bed one night. Thinking about
stuff and slowly stroking myself. I'd been playing with it
for about an hour. The next thing I knew, it just started
throbbing and stuff just squirted out. I gasped a little, I
guess. At first I was surprised. Then I realized what
happened. Nothing too dramatic."
"You mean it was just an accident?" Fuck, Mike would
luck into it. I'd actually tried a few times before that
night at Van's and couldn't figure it out.
"Not really, I'd been trying. A couple times that
evening, but not when it actually happened. I just thought
if I played with it long enough, I'd have to cum. I mean,
you can't stay hard forever. So when did you tell Van you
loved him?"
"Well, it was about a year and a half later. We
eventually started jacking off together every time we slept
over, but it took a while, at first. I bet it was at least
three weeks before we did it together again."
"Your idea or his?"
"His. I didn't want to seem gay so I just waited to
see if he would bring it up again. He did and pretty soon
it was every weekend. Then sometimes even during the week,
after school. He's the one who got me started doing it in
the woods." I laughed and so did Mike. "It was driving me
nuts, though. Always seeing him naked, hard, and playing
with himself."
*******
"Damn Joey, you'd think by now it would be burned into
your memory." We were both laying on Van's bed, playing
with ourselves.
Shit! Caught again. "Um, sorry." I looked away
quickly. That familiar feeling of anxiety that I got in the
pit of my stomach whenever Van and I jacked off together was
returning.
Van was laughing. "No biggie. It's just that you're
always looking. Like maybe you wanna do more."
Omigod! He knows. I gasped for breath. My heart was
pounding. Do I tell him? Oh God! Do I? I could feel
myself trembling. Sweat beading up on my forehead.
"You ok?" Van was looking right at me.
I nodded. I couldn't talk. I was gonna do it. I was
gonna tell him. He wouldn't have said that if he didn't
want more. Oh God, he wanted more. This is it Joey.
Fourteen years old, starting the ninth grade and you are
going to lose your virginity tonight.
I closed my eyes and took a breath. Van was still
looking at me when I opened them. "I love you, Van."
"WHAT?" He scrunched up his nose, his eyebrows
furrowed, and his mouth dropped open. He turned towards me,
moving away at the same time.
Oh God Joey. What did you just do. He fucking hates
you now. My lips quivered and I was breathing through my
mouth, or at least trying to. I felt like I was
suffocating. I was helpless, powerless now. I had just
opened myself up to him and he was going to reject me.
"What the fuck did you say?" Van was staring at me.
Cold and hard. His eyes tearing right through me.
"I'm. I'm. I'm. sorry." I was choking on the words.
My only hope was that he really hadn't heard, but I knew he
had. Maybe he'd just forget it and move on.
"No. No fucking way, Joey. No fucking way." He slid
off the bed and was standing up, he turned and stepped
towards his clothes.
I couldn't talk. I couldn't breath. I wanted to cry.
I couldn't even do that.
"You're fuckin' sick, Joey. Just get the fuck away
from me."
"B. b. but. but Van." I was hopeless now, rendered
powerless by my best friend. My life had just ended.
"Now Joey. Get fucking dressed and get the fuck out.
I can't believe you. All this time. you've. you've been
fucking thinking about me. That's fucking sick!" Van was
pointing at the door. He'd already pulled his pants on.
I slipped out of bed and picked up my underwear. Tears
were finally starting to drop from my eyes.
"Hurry your fucking sorry ass up, man. I don't want
you around here no fucking more."
I sniffled as I put on my pants. I couldn't see. I
still couldn't breath. Oh God I think I need to throw up.
I fought against it. I grabbed my shoes and my shirt and
ran from the room. I heard Van behind me. I got to the
door and turned around. "P. p. p. pl. please." Tears were
streaming down my face. Snot running from my nose.
"Don't forget this." He threw my bag at me. It
bounced off me and hit the floor. "I don't want any excuses
for you to come back."
I grabbed it, threw the door open and ran out.
Halfway down his front yard I fell to my knees.
"Uuuuurrrrhhhuuuuuhhhhggg." Whatever was left in my stomach
from dinner was now on the lawn. "Uuuuuhhhhhggggg."
"Fucking faggot!" The door slammed behind me.
My throat burned and I choked as I nearly swallowed
what hadn't come out of my mouth. I spit a few times. I
still couldn't catch my breath. I reached for my bag. It
was covered in vomit. I was shaking as I picked it up and
got to my feet. My knees were weak and I wasn't sure I
could stand. Somehow I managed.
I walked across the street to my house, my head
hanging, shoulders slumped, feet dragging the ground. I
wanted to die.
I fished around in my pocket for my house key. I
pulled it out and put it in the door. I stepped inside.
Van was right, I was sick. It was perverted, my lust
for him. How could I do that to my best friend? My now ex-
best friend. My now ex-only friend. I didn't have another
friend. I'd never needed one. Van and I did everything
together. And now, I'd blown it. Fucked up. Van was my
whole life. I had no idea how to make other friends. I
barely talked to anybody else in school. I needed somebody.
Anybody. There was no one. I was alone. There was no
reason to live anymore.
I went into the bathroom and opened the medicine
cabinet. My mom kept some sleeping pills in there. I
grabbed the bottle and headed to my room. I got undressed.
If I just lay down in bed, they'll think I'm asleep. No one
will bother me. By the time they realize, It'll be too
late.
I was a faggot. I had molested my best friend in
spirit, if not in body. I had betrayed him. I didn't
deserve to live. I wanted out.
I opened the bottles and poured some into my hand.
Fuck Joey, you can't even do this right. I needed some
water. I headed for the kitchen and quietly got a glass and
filled it before returning to my room. I hadn't made too
much noise. I picked up the pills and put some in my mouth.
I put the glass to my lips and drank. Will that be enough?
I don't know. Better take some more. I took the rest of
the bottle, twelve, maybe fifteen pills altogether. I laid
down and closed my eyes.
"Please God, have mercy on my soul."
*******
I'm not sure when it happened, but Mike had taken me
into his arms and was holding me tight. I was sitting in
his lap, my head curled over and resting on his chest. I
was crying. I think he was too. He was patting my back and
rocking me back and forth. We were both still naked.
Neither of us spoke for the longest time.
"Sun's coming up."
"Huh?" I opened my eyes and sat up, pulling myself
from his grasp. I yawned.
Mike was smiling at me. He leaned in and kissed me on
the forehead as I looked at him. "I'm glad you didn't die."
I smiled. "Yeah, me too." I kissed him back.
"Hey you two."
We both turned towards the house. It was Mike's Aunt
Maxine. She was walking towards us. We both jumped up and
tried to cover ourselves.
"Here, put these on if you're going to stay out here.
It wouldn't do for the neighbors to start complaining about
the naked boys in my backyard." She tossed us some pants.
"In fact, put them on even if you're coming in for
breakfast. We don't allow naked boys at the kitchen table."
"Oh God, we. we. we're sorry." Mike stammered out.
"Oh, don't be so embarrassed. I grew up with two older
brothers and have raised two sons, ya know. There's not
much I haven't seen or walked in on. Though I must admit,
when I caught your cousin Cliff, it was a naked GIRL in his
arms."
We had both ducked behind the picnic table until she
had gone back inside. I know my face was redder than the
strawberries we had with our cereal for breakfast.
Mike's aunt seemed to enjoy teasing us. We tried to
convince her that nothing was going on, but how do you claim
innocence when you've been caught naked in someone's arms?
But just when I thought she was ready to believe us, Mike
asked me to come to bed with him. I did, of course, we both
needed some sleep.
Mike bounded down the stairs and I walked slowly
behind. He seemed to have way too much energy after being
up all night. By the time I caught up to him in his room,
he was tossing his pants aside and standing in his
underwear.
Mike was gorgeous. He was tall and athletic, with
smooth skin and rippling muscles. Oh God. I just realized
that I had spent much of the night naked in his arms. I
shuddered and felt myself starting to get hard. I watched
lustfully as he pushed his briefs over his hips, let them
drop to the floor, and stepped out of them. I fought off
the strangest urge to grab him by the waist, drop to my
knees and kiss his ass. I licked my lips. I swear if he
hadn't turned around, I would have done it.
"So what are you waiting for? Get undressed and get in
bed."
I took a breath. This gorgeous hunk was inviting me
into bed with him.
"Um, I thought I'd sleep on the couch." There was a
couch across the basement. It's where I had intended to
sleep last night. Mike only had a single bed.
"You mean you'd pass on a chance to hop in bed with
me?" God I loved his smile.
"Um. well. I. uh."
He laughed. "Captain Jackoff is horny again, isn't
he?"
My face flushed so quickly I thought I'd caught fire.
"It's ok, Joey. I don't mind if you really want to.
You can do it beside me if you want."
I must have looked so dumb, just standing there, mouth
wide open, trembling.
"Your choice." He jumped into bed and pulled the
covers over him.
My mind was numb. I felt my body moving, my feet
kicking off my shoes, my hands unsnapping my pants, pushing
them down. My breath was short and I felt my heart doing
flip-flops in my chest. I moved towards the bed.
"Wait!"
Oh shit here it comes. He was just messing with me.
"Grab your undies, that way you won't make a mess on
the sheets." Mike was pointing towards my underwear and
smiling.
I picked them off the floor and got into bed. Mike
pulled the covers over us. I was on my side and he snuggled
up from behind, wrapping his arm around me. I felt his hand
on my chest. I lay there, not daring to move, but the
throbbing between my legs was calling. But that wasn't the
only throbbing I felt. It seemed that Mike was just as hard
as I was.
"Go ahead, Joey. I'll hold you while you do it."
"You don't want to watch?" For some reason I thought
he would.
"Do you want me to?"
I nodded.
"Then I will." He scooted up just a bit so he could
see over my shoulder and threw the covers back.
I put my undies down on the bed under my cock and took
it into my hand. It took only a few seconds, not more than
a half dozen strokes before I emptied my balls onto my
briefs.
Mike kissed my neck as I shot. I felt him press
himself against me. I wiped off my dick and started to toss
my undies onto the floor.
"No. Wait."
I stopped before they left my hand.
"I think I might need them." I felt him roll away from
me onto his back.
I turned towards him. He already had his dick in his
hand and was furiously stroking himself. He didn't last
long either. I dropped my briefs onto his chest covering
some of the spots of semen that were dotting him from
nipples to thighs. He used them to wipe himself, then
tossed them away. Again he rolled up against me as I
settled back onto my side. He wrapped his arm around me,
gave me another kiss and soon we were both in dreamland.
It had been more than three years since I had last
jacked off with Van. Three years since I had been rejected
and abandoned by my best friend. But all that emptiness had
just melted way. In one brief moment, Mike had proven that
he not only could, but would take Van's place. I knew we
would never be lovers, but he did love me. And that was
enough. Mike's love was worth all the pain, all the
suffering, all the heartache, and all the heartbreak that I
had suffered. It was worth living for. It was worth
fighting for. It was worth dying for. Chris had no idea.
*******
I felt Mike's lips brush against my cheek as I awoke.
I never wanted to leave his embrace, but I knew that he
would want to get up.
"I wish I could have you for a boyfriend."
"You could, Joey, but I've got Chris."
"I know, I wouldn't want you have to settle for second
best."
Mike rose up and pushed me onto my back, then straddled
me, pinning my arms over my head. I swallowed as I felt his
balls settle over my dick. Our stomachs touched as he leaned
in real close. His lips just inches from mine.
"I wouldn't be settling and you are NOT second best.
Not ever and not to anyone." His voice was strong and firm,
authoritative. "It's not like that, Joey. In some ways I
really want you more than I want Chris. It's just. well.
there's something about Chris. I just can't give him up. I
can't let go. Not yet. I love you Joey, maybe even more
than I love Chris, but. I don't know. I can't explain it."
I was trying to hold back a tear. Part of me was
really happy that I had Mike for a friend. Part of me was
really happy that Mike loved me. Part of me was crushed
because Mike couldn't be my boyfriend.
"I love you too, Mike." I reached up and wrapped my
arms around him, pulling him to me. I planted my lips on
his. I was overcome with lust and wanted to cram my tongue
down his throat. But somehow I managed not to. It was just
a friendly kiss. Just one to tell him how much I loved him.
He didn't pull away. Not right away. Not until he felt a
growth between our bodies.
"Oh God, Joey. I want to. You don't know how bad.
But I can't." He rolled off me and slipped out of bed. He
was just as hard as I was.
I licked my lips and smiled. "You wanna?" I stroked
myself.
He was looking right at my cock. He's gonna say yes.
He's gonna say yes. A smile crept across his face.
"I will if you tell me how big it is." He faked like
he was gonna stroke himself, making an up and down motion,
but didn't touch it. Oh he was evil.
I continued stroking. I was really exaggerating its
length.
"Well?" His hand was at the ready. He was drooling as
he watched me. He was gonna go wild if I told him.
I moved my other hand onto my dick so that I had one
hand next to the other. Two hands and some to spare as I
slowly teased him. For once I was in charge. I wasn't
gonna give it up. He would break down and measure it
himself or he wasn't gonna find out. I stuck my tongue out
like I was panting. I arched my back and pumped my hips. I
was gonna prove I could be just as evil as he is. I licked
my lips and move one hand to my balls. I moved my fingers
underneath them and lifted them from between my legs,
stretching them out as I did.
He closed his eyes and let out a breath. "Ok Joey, you
win this one." He began stroking himself.
I watched as he moved around just a bit. With him
standing next to the bed and my laying on it, his dick was
just above eye-level. I watched as his reddish-purple head
appeared, then disappeared beneath his hand as he pumped
away, pulling the skin of his shaft over the head as he did.
His balls moved up and down in time with his hand, but
seemed to be jumping of their own accord. He increased his
pace, rose to his toes, thrust his hips forward.
"Aaaahhhhh!" Along white rope flew into the air and
landed on the bed beside me. "Ahhh!" A second one
followed, but missed the bed and plopped onto the floor.
"Uuuhhhggg!"
My own balls tightened at the sight of my friend's
orgasm. "Ohhhhh!" The first shot hit my chin and dripped
onto my neck. "Uuuurrrrhhhh." The second ended up on my
chest. "Aaaaahhhhhhhhh." The remainder of my load
dribbled between my dick and my belly button. It mixed
with my pubic hair and dripped down my hand. I looked up at
Mike, his dick now shrinking back to normal. He was
breathing hard, smiling. Beads of sweat running down his
forehead.
"Oh God, Joey."
I put my hand to my mouth and licked it clean as I
smiled up at him.
"Damn." Mike looked at his own hand, then did the
same. He made a kind of funny face.
"You never tasted it before?"
"Only Chris'. His wasn't as bitter. "
Using my left hand I milked out the last few drops and
caught them with my right. "Wanna taste?"
"That's going just a little too far, Joey." His smile
grew even wider. "But I am tempted."
"How about if I get a taste of yours?" I really just
wanted to see what he would say.
"If you really want to lick the floor, that's fine by
me." He was chuckling now.
"There are a couple drops that haven't hit the floor
just yet." I rolled to the edge of the bed. My face wasn't
but a few inches from his penis and I was looking right at
it and the small spots of his juice that were clinging to it
and in the hair that surrounded it.
"Not a chance." He picked up his briefs from the floor
and wiped himself clean. Then he really surprised me. He
began wiping my cum from my chest, stomach and chin. As he
did, he bent down and placed his lips against mine, licking
them as he did. I wondered whether or not there was
anything left on my lips for him to taste.
It would be so easy to just grab him and pull him into
me. To jam my tongue into his mouth or suck his into mine.
But I knew he wouldn't want that. He trusted me not to take
things too far. Not to let things get out of hand. He had
never trusted me like this before. Sure, he had kissed me
before, but not like this. Not with him being so
vulnerable. I had blown my trust with Van. I had tried to
take things further than he wanted to go. I wasn't about to
do that with Mike.
*******
"It wasn't the only time, you know."
Mike shot me a questioning glance.
"That I, uh, tried to kill myself." We were walking
across Branyan's farm, headed towards my house. Last night
and this morning had been so much fun that I had invited
Mike to spend the night with me tonight. My mother had
worried about my becoming too attached, like I was with Van.
But I convinced her that I had also made friends with Chris
and Jeff Lewis, so I had more than one. That was the
problem before. Only one friend and no one to fall back on.
I'd been totally dependent on Van. Losing him had left me
without a life, without a future.
Mike looked over at me. I could tell he was both
worried and surprised.
"After the first time, they sent me to a mental
hospital, like in `One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.' Nurse
Ratchet and everything."
"No way! Were you like schizo or something?"
"Nah, not schizo. They called it severe depression
with psychotic features."
"Psychotic features, eh? Sounds like you're an ax
murderer or something." Mike was trying to lighten things
up a bit, but I could tell he was wondering about me, too.
I didn't want to scare him off. I was hoping we were good
enough friends that he could take this.
"The only person I was trying to kill was me."
"God, a place like that must be awful." Mike jogged
three or four steps in front of me, then turned and was
jogging backwards, looking at me as we spoke.
"It was like being in Hell. Step out of line and some
fucking brutal orderly would strap you down. They got off
on causing pain, too. Just for the hell of it. Then the
doc would shoot you full of Thorazine. Man, talk about bad
trips."
"You ever get the shock treatments?"
I grinned a little. I thought making a joke out of it,
but this was too serious to joke around about. "No, I don't
think they do that any more, it's just restraints, padded
rooms, and drugs to keep you under control."
"Good drugs, I hope." He was smiling again.
"Nah, the stuff would just numb you out and make it
hard to think. One of the guys in there said it made him
feel like he was wearing a carpet on his head."
"Wearing a carpet on his head?" Mike stopped and just
gave me one of those `what the hell does that mean' looks.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Don't know. It's just what
he said. I hated it, though. It made my blood feel like it
was burning. I couldn't think straight and couldn't do
anything. To me it was like being tied in a straight jacket
and put in a dark room for days at a time, not being able to
move or anything."
"Did they do that to you?"
"I did get put in a straight jacket a couple times and
stuck in a padded room."
"What the fuck did you do to deserve that?"
"The first time, it was because I didn't want to watch
some stupid news program on TV." I had been looking at
Mike, but now I looked at the ground and lowered my voice.
After they let me out, I tried to kill myself again.
"Oh God, Joey, what did you do that for?"
"I just didn't think I could take any more." I was
crying now. I couldn't help it. I hadn't talked about this
to anyone for a couple of years and then it was just my mom
and the doc.
"Sit down, Joey. We need to take some time with this."
We had reached the top of a small hill and could look down
towards my neighborhood. Mike practically tackled me
because I wasn't moving fast enough. He knelt behind me,
holding me in his arms with his chin resting on my shoulder.
We were cheek to cheek.
"It was after I'd been there about a month. I was on a
ward with a bunch of other kids. They really seemed to need
to be there, but I wasn't crazy. There were a couple that
threatened me. Both physically and sexually. They told me
they would do things to me. I was scared, Mike, really
scared. I couldn't sleep at night because I was afraid
they'd come and get me. It was every day. They would tell
me how they were going to beat me, then rape me. They
thought I'd like it because I'm gay."
"Didn't you tell someone?"
"I tried. They wouldn't belive me. The nurse would
ask the others about it, they just denied it. Then they
threatened even worse because I told. I tried to tell the
doctor. He just asked the nurse. They told me I was
delusional and changed my meds."
"I can't believe they would do something. That's
awful."
One night an older boy came to my bed. He knelt beside
me and started whispering things. How he was gonna fuck my
ass, hard enough to make it bleed. He said that one of the
others was gonna stick his dick in my mouth. They'd take
turns." I could feel Mike shaking and looked over at him.
"Are you ok? I can stop."
"No! I wanna hear, no matter how sick or mad it makes
me." He held me tighter. "Did they do that stuff?"
"No. They didn't do any of it. Not the sexual stuff,
anyway. They just kept threatening that. But they would
hit me, push me around, kick me, and take my stuff. I knew
there was no way I could stop them. I was weak, vulnerable,
powerless. My mom brought me a new shirt one day. One of
them made me take it off and give it to him. When the staff
saw him with it, he told them I gave it to him. They made
him give it back and told me I wasn't allowed to give my
stuff away. I tried to tell them, but they wouldn't listen.
Later, I found the shirt in my drawer. It had been ripped
up. I just threw it in the trash. I didn't tell anyone.
They found it and blamed me. I got put in restraints and
shot up with drugs."
It hurt to remember this stuff, but I felt like I had
to tell him. I trusted him enough, but I was worried he
wouldn't want me anymore. I was afraid I would scare him
away. He'd think I was just fucked up. But I didn't want
him to be my friend unless he knew. Unless he could accept
me for who I am. To do that, Mike had to know.
"It was like that all the time? No one ever believed
you?"
"Well, sometimes they did. But not about that stuff.
Not whenever something was really important."
"That sucks." Mike started rocking me form side to
side as I continued to talk.
"One time they put a kid in isolation for picking a
fight. I wanted to get away from the threats and
intimidation, so I started an argument over the TV. I
thought that's what would happen to me. Instead, they put
me in the straight jacket and then into the padded room.
They gave me more drugs. I don't even know how long I was
in there, but, I really thought I'd gone insane. I couldn't
tell what was real anymore. For days, maybe even weeks I
just stood in a corner of the room. I wouldn't go anywhere.
They had to force me to eat. I think it was the drugs they
gave me. When they let me out, that's when the threats got
really bad. I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. I
tried to hang myself from the railing in the stairwell. It
broke and I just ended up hurting my shoulder."
"Oh God, I bet they really went overboard then." Mike
laid back and pulled me back so that I was resting my head
on his chest. He began stroking my hair.
"They never found out, about the suicide, that is. I
got rid of the sheet I'd used and just told them I fell down
the stairs. I got sent to the infirmary and I managed to
talk my mom into getting me out of there before I had to go
back to the ward."
"Your mom could just take you out?"
"Yeah, they gotta have parental consent to keep you
unless they can get a judge to approve it. The judge said I
could go after the first three days, but the doctor talked
my mom into giving consent."
"You mean your mom let them keep you in that place?"
"She didn't know any better. They told her it would be
good for me. But after I got hurt, I convinced her it was
making me worse. I told her about the threats. She got me
a new psychiatrist and he thought I'd be better off in a
group home."
"What's a group home?"
"You know the children's home behind the high school?
It's like that except that instead of being for orphans,
it's for what they called `troubled teens'."
"What was it like? Better than the hospital, I hope."
"Much. It was pretty big. 80 boys. There were four
buildings each with two dorms. Each dorm held ten boys.
They had counselors who watched us all day and night and a
therapist who came in a did counseling. Mostly in groups,
but once a week with just my mom and me. I'll tell you
about it tonight if you like. I'm getting' kinda hungry
now."
"Yeah, ok. I'm hungry too. It must be close to dinner
time. Besides, it's starting to get cold. I don't think
we'll be spending the night outside tonight, even if we wear
clothes." Mike gave me a gentle tap on the shoulder with
his fist as we got to our feet. We both laughed.
"I want you to have this." Mike was untying the
leather necklace he wore around his neck. It was strung
through a flat, circular, bluish stone with a hole near the
top. "My grandma gave this to me when I was a little kid.
I've worn it ever since. She said it would protect me
whenever I wear it." He moved towards me and tried to put
it around my neck.
I stepped back. "I. I can't, Mike. Not something like
that."
"Sure you can. I don't really needed it. As long as
you wear it, you'll know that I'm there to protect you. You
won't have to be afraid of anybody again. Just touch the
stone, or hold it in your hand."
"But your grandma gave it to you."
"And your best friend is giving it to you. That's what
I think of your friendship, Joey." He reached out again to
place it around my neck.
How could I refuse now? I had to wipe a tear from my
eye. Suddenly the chill in the air was gone. I don't think
I'd ever felt this good before.
Mike kissed me on the cheek as he finished "No matter
what Joey, as long as you wear this, I'll be there for you.
I'll be your friend. Just touch it with your hand and
you'll have all my strength."
*******
"So this is the young man who ripped out your heart,
then became your best friend?" My mother was shaking a
wooden spoon in Mike's direction and dripping tomato sauce
on the floor.
"Mo-om!" I hadn't meant to whine, but I hated it when
she embarrassed me like that.
"I guess I'm guilty as charged, but I really didn't
mean to rip his heart out. I just wanted to squeeze it a
little." It looked like Mike was going to be able to hold
his own.
My mom gave him a rather disgusted look, turned back to
the stove and gave the sauce a quick stir as she shook her
head. Well then, you boys go wash up for dinner. I'll put
the pasta on.
"Bathroom's this way." I said as I headed towards the
doorway.
Mike followed me down the hall. I opened the door to
the bathroom and stepped inside. Mike hesitated a second.
"We can share, ya know." I motioned him in and shut
the door behind us. "Don't know about you, but I gotta piss
like a race horse." I turned towards the toilet and started
to unzip.
"Well, with what you got hangin' between your legs, I
bet you can do one hell of an imitation." Mike grinned.
I doubled over with laughter. Mike was already done
washing by the time I was able to stop laughing long enough
to pee. He seemed to enjoy watching. I zipped up, moved to
the sink, and washed up. Mike grinning the whole time. We
headed back to the kitchen.
"Go ahead and have a seat. Dinner will only be another
minute." She placed the colander into the sink, then poured
the pot of boiling water and pasta into it. "I hope you
like spaghetti with sausage and meatballs, Mike."
"Oh yeah, Mrs Millar, spaghetti is one of my favorites,
we don't make it with sausage, but I'm sure it'll be really
good." Mike was licking his lips, almost drooling.
"Good? It'll be great. My mom makes the best
spaghetti sauce you'll ever taste." It was my turn to punch
him in the shoulder.
Mike flashed me a quick grin and gave me a swat to the
chest with the back of his hand.
"I can see you boys are already thick as thieves. But
there will be no horsing around at the table."
"Um, sorry Mrs. Millar."
"Yeah, sorry mom."
"Joey hasn't brought anyone home for dinner in a long
time." Mom was looking at Mike, then shifted her glance to
me. "But it's not so long that you should have forgotten
your table manners, young man."
"Mo-om, I said I'm sorry." She always had liked to
embarrass me in front of Van. I wished she wouldn't do
that.
"Ok, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't embarrass you like
that in front of your friends. It just been so long since
you've had a friend over that I wanted to have a little
motherly fun." She suddenly stopped talking and looked at
me like she'd done something wrong.
"It's ok, Mom, Mike knows. I told him all about me and
Van and the hospital. He knows I don't have any friends."
My mom poured the pasta back into the boiling pot, set it on
the stove, then poured the sauce into it and mixed them
together.
Mike looked over at me. "You do to have friends.
There's Chris and Jeff and Andrea. Even Frank is starting
to like you. You've got more friends than you think."
"Well, I've heard of Chris, of course, and he mentioned
this Jeff. But who are the others?" She was transferring
the pasta from the pot to a serving bowl.
"Frank is one of my best friends and Andrea is just
about the most popular girl in our class. She's really,
really pretty, too. And she'd love to get into Joey's
pants." Right now I thought Mike was just about the most
evil person on the planet.
My mom had been carrying the bowl of pasta to the table
and as Mike made his comment, she let out such a hard laugh
she nearly dropped it on the floor. Mike had to catch it
and he almost didn't `cause he was laughing so hard too.
"Aaaaahhh!" I just shrieked and sunk down into my
chair so low that I nearly fell from their view. This was
NOT the conversation I wanted to be having with my mother.
Not now, not ever!
My mom plopped into her chair. The two of them were
laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes.
"I guess she doesn't know he's gay." She could barely
get the words out.
"That just makes her want him that much more." They
continued laughing at me.
I covered my face with my hands and just continued to
slip into the floor under the table. I really needed to
disappear.
Eventually they both stopped laughing at me and I got
back into my chair and we finished dinner. My mom cleared
the table while Mike and I did the dishes. I washed, he
dried.
"Well Mike, I have to say that I think you'll make a
fine friend for Joey. He's told me that you're the one that
got him to join cross country. It's done him a world of
good. He's not only in better physical shape, he's got a
lot more confidence, too. Just don't let him become
dependent on you. Make sure he spends time with those other
boys, or even that girl." Mom winked at Mike as she
mentioned Andrea.
"Mo-om!"
Mike was grinning wickedly.
"I never thought I would say this about my little boy,
but it would almost be comforting to know that would let her
get into his pants."
"Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" I put both hands to my heart and
dropped to the floor like I'd been shot dead. It might just
be another three years before I bring a friend home again,
or longer.
*******
"Just a second." I rolled across the bed and jumped
towards the door. Mike and I had been sitting on the bed
next to each other looking at some record albums. I pulled
the door open.
"You boys need to turn down the music. I'm going to
bed. I have to work tomorrow, so keep it quiet. You can go
to the basement if you want to stay up late."
"Yeah, sure thing, mom." I closed the door as she
left. Mike had already switched off the stereo.
"I can't believe that Chris just gave you these." Mike
was talking about the record albums we'd been looking at.
"They were his favorites."
"I know. He just said he didn't want them anymore."
He continued to flip through them. "Holy shit!"
Mike's voice broke as his look went from one of surprise to
pain in an instant.
He was staring a David Bowie's `Young Americans' album.
"What?" I really wasn't sure what had just happened.
But Mike looked like he was ready to cry.
"This.this one. it was the one. the one he showed me,
played for me. the day." He sniffled. "The first time we.
when we became boyfriends."
I sat down next to him and put my arm around him. "You
can have it if you want."
"Naw, he gave them to you." He was still hurting.
"And I can see how much it means to you. Besides, you
gave me the necklace."
It was a sad smile, but he smiled nonetheless. "I'll
think about it."
I squeezed him a little. "Bed or basement?"
Mike yawned and stretched his arms over his head. "I'm
beat, let's go to sleep."
I sighed. My disappointment was obvious.
Mike punched me in the shoulder as he stepped around
the bed. "You goofball, let's go downstairs." He giggled.
I let out a deep breath. He'd done it to me again. It
was hard to tell when he was joking and when he was serious.
He opened the door and stepped into the hall. "Well,
you coming? I want to hear about this group home place."
There really wasn't much to our basement. It wasn't
finished like the ones at Chris' and Mike's aunt's houses.
There was a laundry room in the corner to the right of the
stairwell. The furnace and water heater were in a small
room next to the laundry. We had a pool table in the center
of the basement and a small sitting area to the left of the
stairs. We both plopped down on opposite ends of the sofa.
Mike swung his feet around so that he was laying with me
between his legs. He was holding my feet on his chest.
"So you were like, living with ten other boys?"
"Twenty, actually. My dorm had ten and the other dorm
had ten. We shared a common living area."
"Damn. I don't think I could live around that many
people. What'd you do for privacy?"
I knew what Mike was asking. He wanted to know how I
found enough time to myself to jack off and if I did it in
front of the other boys. I was gonna make him ask though.
"There wasn't any. You couldn't get time alone, ever."
I was grinning at him. I wanted him to know I was avoiding
his real question.
He laughed back at me. "So how did a horny little fuck
like you find time to beat off?"
"Damn Mike, we'd all just drop our pants where ever we
were and just do it." I was trying to be as serious as I
could, but a little smile escaped my lips.
"Alright, if you're not gonna tell me."
"You just did it in bed at night as quietly as
possible. We all knew everyone was doing it. We even knew
who was and when by the squeaks coming from the beds. Some
of the guys would even put a bottle of lotion next to their
bed before lights out."
"And that was it, you couldn't do it during the day?"
"Well, sometimes. But it wasn't easy. You could do it
on the toilet or find a time to take a shower when nobody
else was in the there. But it was real easy to get caught.
I know most of the guys tried once in a while, but if you
got caught, you'd get bagged on all day."
"So how many times did you get caught?"
"Fuck you, Mike." He was laughing and I was too. I
was also getting pretty damned horny.
"So?"
"Oh alright. It was about three or four times. Once I
was sitting on the john and one of the guys pulled the
curtain open. There were about four of them standing there
and a staff member walked into the bathroom just as they
caught me. That was the worst." I let Mike get a good
laugh.
"None of the guys ever tried anything, like at the
hospital?"
"Not with me, but I heard about guys doing things.
There were times when you could sneak away from the group.
I heard about guys doing it in the laundry or the bathroom
in the gym."
"You never tried?"
"I was always afraid I'd get caught, besides, I didn't
want anybody to find out I was gay. Not after what happened
at the hospital."
"So they never knew, then.?"
"Not for about three months. Then I told them about it
during a group therapy session."
"What happened then?" Mike had gotten serious all of a
sudden. He wrapped his arms around my legs and held them
against his chest.
"I pretty much lost all my friends. The guys started
staying away from me. No one wanted to sit beside me. One
guy even asked to change beds because he didn't want the one
next to mine. Shower time was the worst. After school
there was an activity period. After that we were all
required to take a shower. Guys would refuse to get in the
shower if I was in there. Finally, I just started
volunteering to go last."
"Fuck man, why do people always have to be such
assholes. Didn't the staff do anything?"
"They were actually pretty supportive. That's why
nobody tried anything, I think. One guy threatened me once.
The counselor intervened. They got into an argument and the
counselor sent the boy to sent in his chair. The kid kept
on yelling and him and called him a dick." I started
laughing.
"What's so funny?" Mike was laughing a little even
though he didn't know why it was funny.
"The counselor looked at him from across the dorm and
just agreed. "I'm the biggest, fattest, and hardest dick
you'll ever meet." The kid just stood there. He didn't
know what to say after that." We both giggled a minute.
"So how long were you there?"
"Only for about another month. My psychologist thought
I was starting to get worse again, so he sent me home."
"I bet you were glad to get out of there." Mike
started rubbing my feet. It tickled and I was having a hard
time keeping still.
"God Mike, c'mon." I pulled one of them away and
placed it firmly in his groin.
He pulled his hands away and raised them over his head.
"Ok! OK! I give, I give."
I began gently moving my foot up and down.
"Oh shit, Joey, c'mon. Please!" He was laughing.
"No more tickling?" I could feel that he had gotten
quite hard.
"No. I quit. I swear to God Joey, no more."
I gave him a couple final strokes, then moved my foot
back to his chest. I was grinning. I didn't often get the
best of Mike. It took us both a second to regain our
composure.
"In some ways, I wish I'd stayed there. Even with all
the crap I had to take, it was better than home. Van and
his friends were relentless when I got back. They made fun
of me because I was gay, because I tried to kill myself,
because I was in a mental hospital. You name it I got
teased about it. Finally, I told my mom I was going to kill
myself if we didn't move. That's how we ended up here."
Tears were welling up in my eyes again.
Mike moved around so he was laying behind me on the
sofa, holding me in his arms. We didn't move til the next
morning.
Suicide Resources - These sites contain various links
and information pertaining to teenage suicide. Some of them
list various hotline numbers and agencies where a suicidal
teen may call for help. These links were operational at the
time I wrote this story, July 2002.
Covenant House
http://www.covenanthouse.org/nineline/kid_suicide.html
SAVE - Suicide Awareness / Voices of Education
http://www.save.org/
LA Unified School District - Youth Suicide Prevention
Information
http://www.sanpedro.com/spyc/suicide.htm
New York State University at Buffalo Counseling Center
http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/suicide.shtml
The Befrienders - Malaysia
http://www.jaring.my/befrienders/index2.htm
#1 Teenage Suicide.com
http://www.1-teenage-suicide.com/
NAMI - National Alliance for the Mentally Ill
http://www.nami.org/helpline/helpfacts.html#illness