Date: Sat, 10 May 2003 20:25:44 +0200
From: Jason <thap@ananzi.co.za>
Subject: Jay-to-Jay Chapter 2

PREFACE:

Well, this is what you have been waiting for, chapter two.  I hope that
this one proves interesting, and that I can keep them rolling in.  I also
hope you guys don't mind my prefaces, but I am a very open person and love
to share things in my life.

Chapter 1 was dedicated to S.S (Clark), but I am glad to announce that
Chapter 1 is a closure in my life, it was also however dedicated to my
internet dad -- don't forget that!

Chapter 2 is dedicated first and foremost to someone very special.  Yeah,
it finally happened to me, I never thought it would!  I have met the love
of my life -- David -- Chapter two is in your honour, I love you very much!

Chapter 2 also goes out to Lycan, although I don't think he reads my story.
The reason I dedicate this chapter to you is because you were the one who
made me change, who began the new Jason.  If it weren't for you I would
never have been able to stand on my own and be strong, and I am very
thankful for the great influence you had in my life.

To everyone else in my life, thank you for your protection and support,
especially those who have gone out of their ways too often just for me.  I
am eternally indebted to you guys.

Ok, my little diary piece for today *giggle* guys is simple.  I just want
to say that if you can, let go of the past.  Live your life in such a way
that you make yourself happy all the way, even though sometimes it gets
hard.  I find letting go being a very hard thing, but I finally did, and it
was just after I let go that I found David, and I am now the happiest most
complete person on earth...

If there is anyone out there whom I don't know (or perhaps even someone I
do know -- don't matter) and you need help, advice or just someone to
listen, you are welcome to email me.  I am always there -- and I don't want
good people to go down because nobody listened to them.

That song from Kelly Rowland -- Stole -- is so sad.  I don't want that to
happen...  especially to us gay people where life is so much harder.

Finally, people wish me luck now, my father returns soon -- pray he won't
find anything he shouldn't!

Right, enough of my babbling... David -- this one is for you *mwah*

FEEDBACK WELCOME AT 		THAP@ANANZI.CO.ZA


THIS IS S STORY ABOUT TWO BOYS WHO FALL IN LOVE. IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO
YOU, USE YOUR BACK BUTTON OR GO AWAY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, COPYRIGHT 2003

I think all of us at that moment had a horrified look upon our faces, and
she had a look of fear that only grew more intense with every step she rose
upon, till she was standing on the porch, a few feet away from us...  She
just looked at us, hoping someone else could talk first, afraid of what to
say...

"Allison...  What do you want?  Why are you here?"  Justin asked his sister
in a very cold, fearful tone that he had himself...  Not sure what to
expect from a component of what used to be his family.  He just asked her
simply, and looked her straight in the eye...  the atmosphere was
petrifying!

Allison looked down for a few moments, breathed in deeply, and breathed out
a slightly jagged breath -- obviously from all the nerves: "Justin... I,
uh, well. I, I, uh, mom doesn't know I'm here...  I'm sorry-" suddenly she
began to cry, lightly, but her body was jagged, cold, emotional.

It became soon obvious she was here to make peace, not as if we ever really
fought with her, but I think we all assumed she was also against us.
Justin got up and grabbed his sister in his arms and just hugged her
tightly...

"I'm sorry Justin!  I should have said something, I should have stopped
them.. I love you, you are still my brother, forever!  I'm so sorry!"

"Hush... shhh Allison, it's okay...  I believe you, you didn't do anything
wrong, okay?  I'm just glad you here, it's okay, I feel so glad you here
sis, please stop crying.. I love you too.."

Watching the two of them was kind of like watching t.v for a few moments
you know, you like get so absorbed in the situation you forget you are
alive...  But I came down to earth and figured my mom and Jannie had seen
enough, it was time to drag the `show' to the bedroom, and have a nice chat
with Allison.

So I got up, walked up to then and half touch pushed Justin motioning him:
"Come Jus, Allison, let's go inside...  We got lots to talk about..  Come
sweety.."  For a moment there I realized I had just called Justin `sweety'
infront of everyone and it felt so weird -- it was like an `oops'
moment... but the situation was far to dramatic for me to blush or be joked
at, so we just went inside...

Once in the bedroom I asked them to stand in the corner a little while,
while I pushed the single beds next to each other, so that we could all sit
in a sort of triangle, although I knew I'd be squashing close to Jus.

We clambered on the beds, Justin tightly on my side, and Allison sitting
opposite us, but more to Justin's side -- naturally.  I guess she would
also have to get used to the idea of her brother with another guy, but I
knew she would, there was something in her eyes (those family eyes...)
which gave me a feeling she understood.  That's why she was here in the
first place isn't it?

"So sis, why are you here?  I'm gay, Jason is my boyfriend.  Now what?  Mom
doesn't want me, Melissa hates me so much she seems set on destroying me,
so why?  Why are you here?  Why do you care at all?  I'm sorry if I sound
cold Allison, but I can't understand what is going on in my life
anymore..."

Justin had a friendly tone of voice, and he knew he sounded a little cold
-- he didn't want to scare Allison off -- because he really needed her.  He
just wanted to be sure she wasn't going to let him down like the rest of
them...

She looked at him, battling a little to control her emotions, but she was
fairly brave, braver than I am I admit -- I think I'm a real emotional
wuss!  "Justin, I'm sorry that today I didn't stand up for you...  I just
don't want to lose mom, I'm too scared.  But...  But when Melissa came home
the other day, she was crying and then when she told mom, mom went crazy,
and then went to her room crying.  Melissa spoke to mom a lot I guess, she
hates you so much now that she's trying to turn mom on you also...  Melissa
and I had a tiff that day, and basically we've just been doing our own
thing, but trying to keep the peace...  Melissa wants to be in our lives, I
don't know why.  And I'm her only link, so she's being nice to me now...
But me, Justin, it's okay if you're gay...  It's not like I have never seen
a gay guy before, and now I can talk to you a lot more you know?  I think
part of me always knew you were gay, that's why I didn't mind when you and
Melissa became an item -- I didn't think it would last.  I didn't know for
sure you were gay, but I can see you different and now I know why...  I
love you bro, and I'm not going to let go of you -- losing dad was enough
pain in my life -- I needn't lose anyone else."

My word that was one hellava speech by her... okay okay, it wasn't a
speech, she really meant it -- I could see she meant what she said (the
family eye's remember)...  But I was more holding to control myself from
jumping in and hugging her to death, because she really did something
Justin needed -- she accepted him -- his sister -- his blood -- accepted
him.  That's all Justin really needed right now, some reassurance that he
still has family...

Watching this all made me realize how lucky I was to have a family that
took me in.  So yeah, my dad can still give me the boot when he finds out,
but everyone else in my life loves me for who I am, and that's more than
enough.  I am happy with things the way they are now -- the coolest mom,
the hottest boyfriend, and right now it's just really a heaven feeling...
Justin's sister took away a lot of potential sadness -- because I know I
can make him feel better now.

His sister is going to be motivation.  She is going to be the main link in
rebuilding Justin's family, and if I can make him realize he now has more
hope than ever -- I am guaranteed a brilliant time with my boy...

"Sis, I'm glad you are here...  You don't know what it means to me, knowing
that you care, that you are here for me, it really matters...  so you are
cool that I'm gay -- that Jason is my boyfriend?"

"Yeah Jus, totally!  Gays don't freak me out...  I watch a lot of t.v!"
She said, with a smile on her face, and Justin and I also smiled, before I
decided to take initiative and give him a little kiss...  "Justin?  I wanna
ask you something...?"  Allison got our attention quickly, because she
sounded quite serious, and her facial expression reaffirmed that...

"Yeah sure, go ahead?"

"Well, where you gonna stay now?"

I decided to answer before Justin could -- I also wanted to contribute to
this conversation you know!  "Jus is staying with me... maybe forever, or
maybe just till he can go back home -- we also come from Jo'burg..."  I
smiled a little wide, but sweetly, then continued "My mom and stepdad are
totally kewl people Allison, so they said Justin is welcome, he is part of
my family now, and I guess it's gonna be really kewl if you hang out with
us too..."

She looked at me, quite surprised, but also smiled sweetly at me, kind of
sad that Justin couldn't go home though, I'm sure.  She knew though why he
couldn't go home, I guess that's why she didn't protest even slightly,
because I knew she wanted Justin back home... Then she had another
enquiring look on her face "Guys -- I don't mean to make you guys
uncomfortable, but how -- I mean -- you guys just met -- didn't you?"

"Ah yeah sis, you have a valid question there...  but the answer is simple.
Jason and I -- we just work.  We just simply do work...  It's as if I have
known him my whole life, and I think, well, I think he is THE ONE, if there
is such a thing.  I think that he is the one guy in the world for me, and
sure, we will have problems in the future I guess, who doesn't -- but I
think our love is established, I think what we have is real..."

"Wow, Justin, that's deep... Uuuh, ok, I guess, so yeah, he's your forever
boyfriend..  COOL!"  She smiled with the last word, obviously trying to
lighten up the atmosphere and it worked!

It's at that moment I think it was essential to bring a fun factor to our
trio -- so I did the first thing that came to mind and pounced on Justin,
trying to pin him down, and started tickling him frantically while
encouraging Allison to go for Justin aswell *giggle*...

Justin was trying his utmost to fight back, but I guess he was just as
ticklish as I am because he simply couldn't stop laughing, but then, oh
crap -- THEY turn against me!!!  AAAAAAAAH!!!  The next thing I know
Allison starts gunning for me and before I know it Justin is now on top of
me tickling away!  I'm screaming for help, barely able to breath from all
the laughter and escape-attempts I'm making -- ladies and gentleman -- I AM
THE MOST TICKLISH GUY ON THE PLANET!!!

Eventually Justin decided to play fair and we had Allison down pretty quick
aswell screaming with laughter...  I don't wanna know what my poor mother
must have been thinking... *evil grin*

After our whole little escapade we just sort of randomly chatted about a
few things here and there...  till it started getting late -- time for
Allison to go home before her mother really gets franctic...  She would
probably already be wondering what she has been up to all day...

My mom, Justin and I dropped Allison off with the car a few metres from
there resort, far enough that we won't be seen but that it was safe for her
to walk.  When we left there was a sort of emptiness in the car -- it's
like I knew she was gonna be an important part of our lives from this point
forward...

But Justin was happy :) He was smiling and hugging me, and gave me a nice
big kiss -- I think his relief was really overwhelming -- not having lost
his entire family -- he really had a lot of hope left right now...


When we got back to our resort, I told my mom we were just gonna go for a
walk on the beach -- being together and stuff I didn't figure it would be
too dangerous...  The walk up the dune that separates the ocean from the
town is weird at night...  The sea crashing on the other side in the
distance sounds like a wild enraging storm, it's as if you expect the sea
to be right up to the dunes, with massive waves, but when you get to the
top the sea is still far off in the distance -- well, I mean -- there is
still a beach left before you get to the water part, hehe.

The air was cool, but fresh, as Justin and I walked arm in arm, huddled
together cosily as we headed down the beach.  He made me feel so warm all
over, and the feeling of happiness dominated us both...  it was so
romantic, walking along the beach...

After walking just a short little distance I asked him if we could just sit
and watch the ocean -- I loved watching the ocean.  In all it's fury yet
beauty...  it's like you are safe on the beach, and the water that splashes
over your feet if you go close enough is so calm and harmless -- but mere
metres further and you get drawn in the incredible fury and anger --the
full power that the sea really can yield begins to show it's face to you.

I have a great respect for the ocean -- looking at it like this.  It's like
a majestic empire no man can conquer...  It's ruthless yet beautiful.  The
sound of the water just releases your feelings, and you feel level with
nature...  Having Justin by my side to share this with was so amazing -- I
even became a little bit emotional...

"Baby, what do you feel?  Inside you?  Right now?"  Justin looked at me,
then at the sea again as we rested our heads together...

"Jay, I dunno...  Well, yeah, I am happy.  I have you, and now I have
Allison.  Maybe I feel a little guilty -- because it doesn't feel like I
will ever need anything else."  Hmmm -- guilt trip...

"Don't worry Jus -- man -- I know why you feel like this.  You are just so
happy to have Allison that you don't feel so empty anymore -- but soon
enough you'll miss your mom too -- and I promise we'll get her back for
you"

"Yeah, thanks babe...  I'm happy.  I'm really happy now -- I can't think of
a better person I would like to share these moments with.  I want to share
my life with you -- now until forever.  I love you Jay" "I love you too
Jus" We share a long, passionate, deep emotional kiss -- the ocean in the
background -- as if she were blessing us.

For a very long time we stayed on the beach -- just sitting and watching
the ocean, cuddled tightly together.  There was plenty for each of us to
think about I think...

I had to think yet again how lucky I am...  How quickly my life had
changed.  Justin was different.  He was the right guy for me -- I knew it
in my heart.  I could open up to him, share all my feelings, and feel safe
and happy with him.  I felt as if we needed each other.

There were deep emotions inside of me for Justin.  I felt like I would
cease to live if he died...  Yet I always lived before I knew of him --
things have changed now.  I get really deeply attached to the people I know
in my life -- I know I love them very much...  And sometimes people go away
or get taken away from me -- and I think it's so hard to deal with it over
and over again.  Justin was here to stay -- in my heart I knew it -- I was
sure of it...  that was what made me so happy at that moment, knowing my
life was now right -- he was there for me...

"Justin... motions over towards you.. wipes away that wretched tear and
kisses you on your lips, be silent... For you are in my hands now :) And I
won't harm you, unless it's to help you and guide you... For I am the
light, and the dark... I protect your eyes from the light, and protect your
heart with the dark"

WHOA!!!  "What?!"  I sort of shake out of my dream state mode, and into
reality, registering what Justin had just said -- then realized I was
crying...

"Baby, don't cry -- where were you now?  Why are you crying?"  Justin was
probably a little confused -- but so was I to an extent -- I really drifted
far off!

"You're my Angel..  what you just said, I, I'm totally blown away... - but
yeah -- what's wrong.  It's in the past -- and I am happy to have you --
but there is always a part of the past that goes with me from every person
I love.  And someone I really loved came back to me now...  I was just
thinking how he is gone now -- it's as if he was forever supposed to be
part of my life you know -- even if we weren't in love.  Yet he isn't.  It
doesn't feel right...  But I don't want this to scare you or change us --
it's just me needing to let go of the past step by step..."

"Oh baby, don't worry...  I understand.  I won't leave you alone -- I will
help you through this -- no matter what.  Why though?  Why is he so deep in
you to make you cry?  Why is he gone now?"

"I guess he matters so much because something inside him connected my heart
with his -- and I can't break that connection.  I never could -- I couldn't
stop loving him...  *cries* I loved him very much, and you know, inside me
I tried not to -- but I couldn't.  In the end it's as if he was taken away
from me.  In one day.  Not by death.  But by life."

Justin was looking at me very concerned, but confused aswell -- I was being
a little too poetic here -- "Jase, where is he?  What do you mean?  Come on
baby, don't worry -- I am always gonna be here for you -- so you can let go
-- you have me now..."

He was right -- I had him.  But it was so hard to explain what I felt
inside me.  "He -- he -- he lives in a city about 200km from here, I guess.
But Jus, this is hard to explain.  We were really close emotionally.  At a
point in my life my life depended on him.  I wanted to end my life --
because I was gonna lose him.  I'm glad I didn't, but that's how deeply I
care for him.  I loved him so much but we couldn't be together -- I knew
that.  But I couldn't stop.  And because I couldn't stop -- I guess I drove
him away...  Someone took him from me -- and now -- and now -- now he's not
allowed to know me anymore..."  I choked off crying -- like a baby...  to
my lover I was crying like this over an ex lover?  Was this really right?

"Hush, baby, it's ok...  I'll make sure he comes back ok?  He'll be back in
your life -- but so will I.  As long as he don't take my man away -- I
wanna do this to make you happy..."  Justin was really trying hard to be
noble -- and I needed it!

It was hard to describe -- why I was suddenly feeling like this when I
already had Justin.  In my heart, head, damn, everything inside me I know
Justin is the one for me, the guy I must spend my life with.  Yet something
in my heart -- a very big part of it -- knew that this guy was also there.
He also belonged in my life.  I don't know how yet -- but I was determined
-- determined now that Justin would help me -- to get him back in my life.

We got up from our now warmly settled spot on the beach and began back home
-- realizing we were practically dying of hunger -- we slowly walked
tightly huddled against each other...  Justin was the love of my life, my
reason for living, and the best thing that ever happened to me...


Right, I know what you must be thinking -- Jay is a real slut.  And you
know what, NO!  I love Justin, whole-heartedly!  I love him with every
little bit of energy I can pull to love him, and even if I never had any
energy, my love would still live on -- Justin was as if he was part of my
whole life since the very beginning.  I love him with all I have.

But in my heart there is a lot of love.  And my love for people changes,
but it never dies.  My love for Clark will never die, it will only change.
I cannot describe how much I would care about him -- but even if he did
come back -- Justin is the man I spend the rest of my life with...

Yeah, okay, so the rest of the evening was pretty basic -- eat -- sleep.

The next morning we woke up entangled in each others arms, but we couldn't
be "naughty" in any sense, because my stepbrother was sleeping at home
again, hehe, so yeah, you should understand.  But still, I had more than
enough happiness to sustain my entire life just waking up with Justin's
beautiful blue eyes fluttering open infront of me...  Their depth, their
emotion, their love, it all comes into my eyes and down into my heart.  It
was a pretty `ordinary' morning routine if you could call it that, shower,
breakfast, think of rest of day.  But of course it was waaaaaaay more
interesting, what with Justin and I all over each other, and my stepbrother
really enjoying every chance he gets to tease us!  We made plenty of jokes
with each other -- and I discovered just how open-minded my stepbrother can
be...

Justin and my stepbrother worked well -- just like the rest of my family
with Justin (thus far -- still two brothers and maybe my father even
eventually)..

He was really an awesome guy, very sociable, very active, and very easy to
get along with!  How can you not love him?  He is just SO amazing to me!!!

There were only two full days left of our vacation, so Justin, my
stepbrother, and I, decided we would make the best of the time we had
left... of course leaving here wouldn't feel so bad with Justin going with
us...

Today we grabbed our shovels, our buckets, an umbrella, our boogie boards
and ourselves with some beach towels, and headed off to the beach...  My
stepbrother ran back to get us some cooldrinks and snacks, and then came
`mission fort!'..

We chose a spot far from the entrance to the beach to do our digging, where
not too many people walked by, and the digging began.  We were like little
boys, the way we were going on, but we had lots of fun, Justin taking the
occasional chance at giving me a quick kiss when the two of us were digging
together.

We dug a really deep hole, and also quite large, and it took us about two
hours until we were satisfied.. then we put the umbrella over our hole, and
it was like an underground tent, and we were very impressed with our hard
work, but also very exhausted.  Again my step brother volunteered to go
back to the chalet and get us each some more cooldrink.

Jamie left us, and as he made his exit, Justin and I just sorta glanced at
each other out the corner of our eyes, both of us with a kind of stupid
lost look on our face, and when we realized our `stupidity' looks -- we
began giggling and suddenly laughter was uncontrolled, rolling around in
our little hole, getting wet from the moist sand, we weren't shy to be
touching close together... and when our laughter finally died down, we went
into one of those magical moments you only see on t.v.

We stared in each other's eyes for seconds which felt like pleasant hours,
before our lips melted together in another loving, passionate kiss.  It was
as if all my senses went full focus on the warmth of his love, the world
just simply disappeared around us, we were oblivious to anything and
everything...  I could feel the love in him, in every smell, touch, sound
and taste of Justin, I could sense nothing but undying love...

"Uuuuuhm, guys, *cough* uh, really, uh, I -- I -- I kinda got the
cooldrinks...  QUIT IT ALREADY I'M BACK!!!"  Jamie was getting hardly any
response from us, until his yell, which made us both fall apart from sudden
fright..

Jamie couldn't help but giggle uncontrollably at our reaction, and yet
again, Justin and I went into a fit of laughter -- would we ever grow up?
Justin sat tight against me in the hole, Jamie opposite us...

"So Jamie, why aren't you with your girlfriend?"  Justin sounded friendly
and honest enough, but I was also wondering, because he had been spending
the whole day with us -- something he hasn't really bothered to do since he
met Chantelle...

"Chantelle and her friend have gone away for the day, so I'm kinda bored.
You guys don't mind do you?"  There was a look in Jamie's eyes that told me
he wasn't telling the whole truth -- I knew Jamie very well.  Blood brother
or not -- he was a book that I knew how to read, and I read him well.  I
think he sensed it because he saw my eyes narrow and he did seem to shift
ever so slightly from discomfort.

But in light of our fun day I decided to let it hang for now and enjoy the
rest of our day, and basically we just chilled and talked about school and
other boring old things, opening more and more of our different lives to
each other.

"YELP!" Three voices screamed from a distant spot on the beach as a blue
and white umbrella sort of rose, and three teenage boys emerged, very
suddenly, out of nowhere...

"Awwww crap!  We didn't think of the tides that would come in!"  We had
been washed out of our fort, and it was now a muddy pool of water...  and
then another wave, and another, and another...  We just kinda stared at our
day's work turn into nothing but the usual beach again, although there was
still a nice big hole for quite some time...

Then came the next naughty streak -- Justin grabbed me and plunged me into
the very wet hole of water, when suddenly -- unexpectedly -- Jamie gave him
a push in after me...  Jamie loves the water, so he needed no pushing, and
soon we were all three shuffling in the muddy shrinking hole of water,
laughing and dunking..  Then it was time for the ocean itself...

Justin and Jamie grabbed a boogie board each, and I just kinda followed
them into the water, but stopped after a while.  Justin stopped and walked
back to me.. "Babe, aren't you coming?"

"You numb-nut!  I don't have a boogie board!"  I started giggling.. -- "I
don't like going in that deep, and you two shouldn't either, I'll just stay
here, and catch you when you come flying back, ok my Angel?"

"You bet!"  Justin's enthusiasm was followed by another big kiss, and I was
so enjoying the freedom of expression, although there was never more than 5
people on the beach at one time, they were all so self-involved I don't
think they noticed anyway -- or cared.  I think Justin liked the thought of
something waiting for him when he gets back from his fun, even if it was
just a short ride out on the waves...  and I can tell you it made my heart
warm inside aswell to be waiting for a gorgeous blonde to wash out into my
arms...

Justin and Jamie were practically addicted to this whole thing, and just
went back in over and over again, but me not moving around too much in the
water, I got bored and cold, so I told Justin the last time I was headed
back to the beach...

"Jase, I can go with if you want?  Or you can go in with me once and we can
see how that works?"  *giggle*

That's one thing, Justin giggled as much as a little school girl -- just
like me!  I love giggling for stupid things, so I giggle back at him --
"Jus, it's kewl you sexy boy, I wanna watch you from the beach, and then
you can also keep Jamie as happy as he is now -- you guys make a great
bond... I might just get jealous!"

That remark was followed by a playful slap on the butt by Justin "You
naughty boy!  Don't ever say that -- or I'll have to give you a real
hiding!"  *more giggling*

"Ooooooooh, kinky are we?"  We both burst out laughing, until Jamie kinda
tried to drag Justin back out -- we sort of got so lost in our laughter we
forgot what we were doing..

I struggled back onto the warm beach and just sat there watching Jamie and
Justin playing in the water.  It was as always enriching to my soul to sit
there, watch the boy of my dreams, then pinch myself and realize -- it's
all real, my life right now is real.  I couldn't believe how wonderful it
was to see him there, and how far we came in just such a short time...

My thoughts wondered back to the past aswell...  Something I do often --
think about the past gone wrong, and often it is not good.  Although I am
finally beginning to grasp my future in my own hands, and slowly realizing
that the past can't be changed.

Clark still played a lot on my mind, but I locked out the thoughts to stop
me from hurting myself.  After all, I had what I wanted.  I suddenly felt I
was not ready to let Clark back into my life.  But in my heart I knew well
enough he belonged IN my life, but Justin was the owner of my heart, Clark
would answer to him...

I thought a little bit about my dad aswell, it's now December, I'll see my
dad in February...  I never know what to expect when my dad comes back,
especially now that Justin is around.  My dad doesn't know the truth yet,
so it's going to be a tough month.

Then I thought of myself, and how I changed, in just this 10 day vacation.
I came to Sedgefield, alone, alone in my soul, and in reality.  I spent
many sunsets alone, walking on the beach, often crying over the wrongs in
my life.

Then mid-way through my vacation things changed.  A little.  Being alone
suddenly felt different.  I began feeling like I would be able to control
more of my own fate than I imagined.  The ocean, the peace, was beginning
to mend my soul...  Then a miracle happened.

Justin came stumbling out on the beach...  And I -- me -- Jason of all
people -- was there, to wait for him, to help him...  Someone needed me,
and he didn't even know me.

Now I am a whole new guy.  I am happy, I have reached my full potential.  I
can now be there for the world...  I know, somewhere sometime things have
to go wrong, but I know that I will never face it alone again.  Justin not
only brought me and my soul together, he brought us all together, my whole
family, in a strange way.

I was going so deep in my thoughts, but I was smiling when I came out of
them, obviously this was when Jamie and Justin had finally decided they had
had enough waves (I hope!)...

Justin didn't even bother to spread his own towel, he just dropped his wet
ass next to me, and I SHRIEKED!!!  "You're cold Jus!! AAAAAAAH!!!"  But he
just giggled and grabbed me around his arm-

"Keep me warm then babes *giggle* Come on, just a few minutes and you'll be
all warm again..."

Right -- my facial expression was white, I was so cold, but how could I be
angry?  Especially after he smacked another kiss on my face..  And after a
few seconds I began to realize Jamie was throwing another fit over two boys
groping each other -- the smirk on my face was huge, but evil ;) ...

After spending most of the day on the beach, Justin, Jamie and I headed
back to the chalet to get cleaned up and in warm clothes, we were all
getting cold with the sudden cold breeze that hit us.  Jamie was still full
of energy though, hardly surprising, but after a draining day like we had
had today, I expected less.  There was something about Jamie today...

Justin and I were once again parked on the couch, underneath a warm
blanket, tightly cuddling while watching yet another romantic comedy...
Did I ever tell you?  It's my favourite kind of movie, because normally
it's about people finding their soul mates... and now that I have found
mine- I can't think of a better reason to want to watch them!

However feeling his warm body and calm breathing so close to me just
brought such a warmth in my heart, and it was hard to keep my eyes
open... the more I breathed, the more I lived, the more time that went by,
the deeper I fell in love with him, the happier I was that I could snuggle
in under his arm and we can share our everlasting love...

I drifted off to sleep...  and woke up several hours later -- Justin and I
sort of folded over each other on the couch cuddling tightly -- it was
about 10pm and Justin was still fast asleep.  My mom and stepfather were
doing the same thing they ALWAYS do, sitting on the porch chatting
quietly...  The atmosphere was so calm, excepting for the action flick
Jamie was now watching...  But Justin was undisturbed by it, he slept
tightly as I crawled out from under him, and he shifted into a more comfy
lying down position on the couch...  I got myself a glass of water and by
the time I was done with it I noticed the credits rolling down the screen
of the tv.

I went into my bedroom and lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling for a few
moments...  Jamie walked in the room and did exactly what I did, except
with a sigh.

Jamie and I had the chance to talk and we did...  Jamie and I always talk
every now and then, he tells me everything and to tell you the truth, I
have felt the closest brotherly bond with Jamie than with either of my real
brothers.  Jamie could talk to me and he knew it.  Sometimes I guess even I
don't listen well enough, but we're pretty close.

I think Jamie really liked the girl he met here, and he wasn't very happy
that we would be going home soon.  I can understand how he feels, I know
the feeling of leaving when you really don't want to.  Yet there was
nothing me or anyone else could do.  Life has a way of doing this -- people
come in and out.

All I could tell Jamie was that sometimes it never gets easier -- dealing
with people coming in and out of your life...  but then again thinking that
made me realize I have the same problem.  I can't deal with people coming
in and out of my life either...  I don't think I have to though.  Not
anymore.  Life is about letting go...  And I know I have to listen to
myself on that, but sometimes it's easier said than done.

Yet telling Jamie all this wouldn't really be new to him.  For a kid his
age he's had some rough shit.  He was adopted at birth, and his first mom
died when he was about 4 I think.  I'm not sure.  Then Jannie met a new
wife -- Jamie's second `mom' -- but she treated him so badly, the typical
`evil stepmother' character.  When Jannie had left this woman and met my
mom -- my mom became his third mother -- if you include his biological
mother it's his fourth mom.  How can that feel?  In between it all he has
shifted homes between us and his grandparents, and I guess that a lot of
baggage builds up inside.  He hasn't had anywhere to put it.

When Jamie first moved in with us I hated him.  I hated Jannie.  And I
hated Jamie.  I hated Jamie when he started calling my mom `mom'.  I
couldn't stand it...  Now it's different.  I'm not quite sure how or what
changed, but now we're extremely close, I think closer than anyone else in
the family perhaps except between Jamie and his dad.

That's why Justin was so perfect...  Justin knew how to connect with Jamie
on all the levels I couldn't.  Justin knew how to be Jamie's best friend.
I was his brother, and Justin his best friend.  Justin wasn't like my
friends, as in sort of separated from Jamie.  Jamie could join me and my
friends sometimes for a while, but it was never quite right.  Justin
invited him right into his life -- Justin just was perfect for my life, he
just fitted in every single aspect of it.

But did I fit in his?  I wasn't sure.  I wasn't sure how well Allison liked
me, I didn't know if I'd ever get through to his mom.  Yet I felt that I
could.  Now that I was complete I just wanted to help Justin complete his
life.  I felt guilty.  Guilty that I was happy...  but then again Justin
was happy.  I knew he was.

I think that Jamie's life has made him extremely turmoiled inside, yet
strong.  Pain makes people stronger.  And I think he was much stronger than
any of us cared to admit.  All of us had difficult lives, and we all become
new people form it.

By the time Jamie had fallen asleep and I was out of my `daydream' state,
my mother and Jannie had gone off to bed.  I could now head for bed myself,
but not without Justin.  But instead of dragging my Angel to my bed, I just
took my pillows and snuggled up to Justin on the couch, it was very
comfortable... That's how I fell asleep.

How Justin slept all the way through I'll never know, but he was
peaceful...  An Angel...


As always, waking up was a wonderful experience, Justin still in my arms...
the chalet was completely quiet inside.  Not long after my eyes had managed
to open, and just when I was beginning to get a bit uncomfortable the
beautiful boy in my arms wiggled himself around...  and there was a kiss to
follow.

"Mornin babe" Justin said in a tired, yet hushed loving voice...

As always that mixed with his eyes just made me melt right there.  "Morning
Jus...  you slept like a rock babe -- you feeling ok?"  *giggle*

"Nah ah, I think I'm love sick..."  He was smiling so sweetly.. and I just
HAD to kiss him!

"I hope that kiss makes you feel even more love sick, cause I ain't neva
gonna stop lovin' you!!!"

The normal morning routine followed -- and then when we charged the
kitchenette for some snacks I saw the note stuck on the window...

Jason and Justin We have gone to George again for the day (for those of you
that don't know -- George is a town/city not far from Sedgefield --
basically the central business district of the area...) and I didn't want
to wake the two of you up.  We aren't going to do anything out of the
ordinary -- mostly make sure the car is all ready for tomorrow.  There is
some money next to my bed, you can buy yourself some lunch if you want.  We
will be back by late afternoon -- call if you need us, I have my cellphone.

Don't forget to enjoy your last day boys!

Love Mom

What happened next should have been kinda vague, because it was weird!  We
just kinda went into a fit of excitement, laughter and extreme happiness!!!
WE WERE HOME ALONE!!!  An entire day to enjoy ourselves...  I thought this
the best way to enjoy the last day here...  We would have to leave early
tomorrow morning.

"So babe, what we gonna do today?"  That was Justin, still excited and out
of breath after we did a bit of running around and `wrestling' all over the
chalet...

"Well, hmm, I don't know.  I think we can take a walk into town, just sort
of get a good-bye feel of the town, then after that have some lunch also in
town.  Then we can go to the beach and I dunno, yeah, take photo's and
things...  There's a cool movie coming on later...  We can watch that till
my mom gets home, then I have a special surprise..."

I love leaving mysteries hanging about in the air -- and Justin was just
all weird about it, hehe.  He could wait though, he was a good boy...

We did as planned and took our long walk into town.  The nice thing about
Sedgefield is that it is a big enough town in terms of housing, because
many people have holiday homes here, but not many people are actually in
them right now, so it's quiet.  There were many beautiful homes, and also
at one point a nice high-point view over the ocean, and I loved that.  It
was a fairly hilly town, so the walk became exhausting, yet it was peaceful
and fun walking with the love of my life arm in arm...  We walked slowly
past the lagoon till we made it into town.  Now it was time to pick a
suitable place to have lunch...  We settled upon a place called Route 66 I
think, and had a nice lunch...

This was our little romantic dinner, and we just had such a peaceful time
together...  We had someone take our picture every here and there, in front
of some shops as well.  We bought a few tiny memento's together, then we
headed back for home.  Upon passing the lagoon again we stopped someone to
take our picture there as well.  It was a fairly pretty place, but I just
really loved the tranquillity.

At one stage we got into the whole groping kissing thing while walking
home, and I think really shocked a car full of teenagers that passed us by,
but they caused no trouble...  Until the car stopped.

And it stopped rapidly, with a slight yelch from the tires as it was
brought to a standstill.  At that moment we both froze and slowly pulled
away and looked at the car, as a girl from the back seat of the car,
sitting in the middle struggled her way till she was hanging out the
window, and just as we were waiting to be cursed and degraded she yelled:
"You go boys!!!  Show them what life should be!!!"  That followed by cheers
and yells in the car as she dropped back inside -- then I saw the other
blonde chick lock lips with her, and I just could not help but start to
giggle, and give Justin another big kiss as they spun off, hooting for
expression...

We continued our day accordingly and took the video camera along as well,
and filmed each other and took photo's everywhere we could possibly think
it mattered...  But it didn't take us long to get exhausted from the sun.
We headed back for the chalet, and settled in for another movie, a comedy
this time -- "Nurse Betty".

Cute movie, but not really cutely cute.  I had more fun cuddling with
Justin, and enjoying the free environment than I really concentrated on the
movie.

Not long after the movie and the rest of the family returned, exhausted
after a long busy day...  There was something wrong with our car that
needed to be repaired.  Jannie was grunting a little because of the
unexpected expense of having to repair the car, but generally the mood
seemed okay...

Justin and I dug into a little snack before embarking on our late afternoon
walk on the beach.

The great thing about being in love is being close to someone.  For me that
is.  I get to share my life, my thoughts, my fears and dreams with Justin,
and not be afraid that it's going to someone who doesn't care.  I know he
listens and appreciates me.  Also, physical closeness.  We're always
touching.  No matter what, we're always as close as we can be, and I think
if we got any closer, we'd be Siamese twins.

But there is more to it than just being close to Justin, just touching him.
It's about being able to open myself up to him on all levels, basically
making my life vulnerable to make US stronger.  It's no longer Jason.  It's
no longer Justin.  It's always going to be Jason and Justin now.  We'll
always be together, if not in person then in spirit.

Enough babbling, our snack was pretty good, and the walk to the beach was
full of playfulness.  Jamie was spending his last day with his `holiday
girlfriend' -- I guess they patched things up and it was important for all
of us to say goodbye to Sedgefield.  Justin and I would definitely come
back here, because this is where our love was born.

We trudged onto the beach, and began walking west, as the sun began to near
the horizon...  We walked slowly, cuddling tightly together.  One or two
pairs of people, passed us -- not always couples, but all older people, and
I could sense their eyes follow us for a short while, but I guess it's
becoming easier to be gay some places.

As we neared the peninsula of rocks I suddenly became nervous...  "Justin,
there's some guys there, do you think we should walk -- I dunno -- apart?"

"What baby?  No!  I love you, and I'm not gonna hide it, even if showing it
means that we're gonna end up in a little trouble, don't worry, I'll fight
them off while you run, and I'll run after you ok?  IF anything happens.
Just be ourselves okay?  It's our last day, we have to live it our way,
because that is who we are baby..."

Geez...  wise words -- maybe Justin is lying about his age *giggle* No no,
just joking.  "Yeah, ok, you're right.  I'll fight them too... I'll ummmm,
throw them with sand.  Hehehehe."

With that we kinda giggled and quietly continued till we were walking past
the boys, and I could hear them go quiet but just for a little while.  They
didn't move on us, they didn't shout at us, nothing bad.  So I relaxed, for
now, and we continued walking, till we were other side the peninsula thing,
and I led Justin to a bench a few steps up, surrounded by shrubs.

"This is one of my favourite spots, but it's still not yet the best...  I
have another place.  But for now, I want you to enjoy it here, because here
I sat for my first few days wondering where you are in this world...
little knowing you were just up the road from me...  Now that I have found
you close to my heart my life is new, it is complete.  We are together and
we will always be together, ready to face the world as a team.  I love you
with all I have inside me Jus, and I want you to know that.  The beauty of
the ocean and the sunset and the nature around us can't even nearly begin
to express the beauty you bring to my life, in your physical and emotional
being you are a palace, a painting, a dream and a song to me.  My soul
dances to your name, my heart beats to your eyes, my breathing flows in
your dreams...  My life lives in your palace, as you live in mine."

Justin kind of stared at me blankly for a few seconds, and for just a split
second I became nervous, then I saw the tear trickle down his face, and his
face softened, the expression turning into that look which just makes me
melt a billion times over -- a baby innocent yet compassionate look of
concern.

"Jay, I love you!  I knew when we drove into Sedgefield that there was
something special about this place, and it was you.  I know I have found
you when I needed you most.  To prove to myself my true self, and that my
life needs you.  I need you.  I need you to keep me going, to keep me
smiling and make me happy.  I love you with all I can love you, every ounce
of my being.  Gosh, I am getting too soppy...  but you're right, we will
make it together.  Always..."

We just cuddled tightly and watched as the sun set on the ocean's horizon,
just like in the movies.  It was a beautiful spot, the look out on the
ocean, then beach sand all around us, leading to the ocean on the one side
and the lagoon being on the other side.  As soon as the last rays of light
disappeared on the horizon I dragged Justin to the peninsula.  It's a
climbable rock, and eventually I managed to get him and me to the top --
kind of like sitting on pride rock -- from the lion king you know.

Time was slightly little, because it would soon be darkish and the tide
would move in soon aswell.  We were barely up there when I looked at Justin
-- hopefully with a look that expressed my love as I felt it.

"Jus, now it's time for the kinda surprise.  It's not much, but I hope it
means something."  I pulled a bottle with a paper in it from a spot in the
rocks, and handed it to Justin.

"I wrote this two days after we got here.  I wanted to give it to you
today..."

I watched as Justin opened the bottle and managed to get the rolled up
letter from the bottle:

To the one I love...

I don't know who you are.  I don't know where you are.  Sometimes my heart
questions whether you really exist, but part of me never stops believing.

It may not be you reading this, it may be someone else, but at least my
love, whether experienced by someone or not, was known at least to someone
in the world.

My heart can only love.  My heart yearns to hold you, your faceless body.
I don't know how to describe how I know I love you..  But I know that out
there somewhere you exist.  I don't know how you look, how you sound, how
you smile or cry. I don't know your life nor your friends.  I don't know if
your heart is pure or tainted.  Yet I know that if you love me, it's all I
need to love you, till the day I die.

To whoever reads this -- let it be known my heart has loved -- even if it
hasn't.

To my lover, whoever you are, wherever you are, my life is in dedication of
yours, my soul a symphony of our love.

I love you.

Jason

Justin looked at me with a sweet smile on his face.  For a moment I wanted
to run, feeling ready to be embarrassed.  But Justin's gaze just kept me
hypnotised.  Damn those eyes!

"Jay, I love you.  With my whole heart and soul.  All you need to know is
that my life is yours.  All of it, every hour, second and day.  I love
you."

"I love you with my whole heart and soul too..."

We hugged, kissed and held each other until my logical mind kicked in.
"Jus, uhm, let's get going, at least down till we're back on the ground and
otherside the peninsula, the tide is coming in..."

With that we had to leave the beauty we were experiencing.  The look over
the ocean, it was a good-bye scene, because we wouldn't see it again.  We
walked tightly in each other's arms, until we were closer to home, then we
just sad down on the soft beach sand, and looked at the ocean as it became
dark around us.

From the side two of the boys we walked past approached us -- they must be
around our age too.  At first I wanted to run, but I just sat coldly
against Justin, hoping not to get beat up.

"Uuuuh, hi guys -- I'm Byron and this is Chris...  Like how you doing?"
Byron was really nervous, but yeah, he didn't seem malicious so I wasn't
scared.

"Hi, I'm Justin, this is Jason -- my boyfriend -- we're good and stuff,
what's up?"  I couldn't resist, I don't know why, but I didn't control
myself and just let loose: "Yeah, what do you want?  It's not everyday
straight guys walk up to a gay couple, to make friends!"

Chris quickly interrupted me: "No man, chill!  We just wanted to ask you
like some stuff.  My brother is gay, and my parents kicked him outta the
house.  I just wanna know some stuff kay?"

He sounded sincere, I couldn't really see his face because it was dark
already.  But I just sighed and gave the okay, and they settled down
infront of us.

"Well, like we gotta go soon, but we just wanted to ask something simple.
Why are you gay?  And like aren't you scared?  Isn't it easier to just dig
chicks?"

I love this kinda stuff, so I started off immediately... "We're gay because
we are born that way.  Trust me it's not something we choose, that's why we
don't dig chicks, because we can't choose who or what we like.  Justin is
proof enough that it can't happen.  Up until a few days ago he had a
girlfriend, and guess what, he still couldn't change.  It's difficult to
explain, but we just like guys, and it's not just about sex.  It's
emotional.  I guess we need something different than what you need.  That
is why we like guys.  As for being scared yeah I'm scared, but we took a
chance.  We can't live in hiding, because it's our lives and we have to
express ourselves and live it.  Point is that we can't change who we are,
so we might as well embrace it and part of embracing it is showing the
world I love Justin with all my heart.  If other people don't like it tough
shit, it's their problem not mine, I don't care what they think.  As long
as I can run fast enough when someone wants to beat me up I'm happy."

For a moment there was a kind of awkward silence, I think I spoke too fast.
Then a soft "Oh" from Byron, and that followed by Chris putting his arm
around Byron.  Not in a gay way, just kinda boyishly putting his arm around
as he told Byron it's okay.

"I kinda beat up a gay guy once in school...  I started worrying about it
-- and now you guys just confirmed what I was beginning to be afraid of.
He really couldn't help the way he was.  I'm sorry..."  That was Byron.

"Shit, we gotta go!  Guys, hope I see you around here, but we're sorry if
we scared you.  I just wanted to know, and there is still lots I wanna
know, but my mom is waiting for us."  Chris dragged Byron off the ground
and they started walking away.

I wanted to tell them we're leaving but basically just managed to utter a
goodbye to them before realizing we need to get a move on ourselves -- we
still needed to get cleaned up and packed, we'd be leaving very early the
next morning.

And with that we got up and headed for the chalet -- I glanced at the beach
one last time and gave Justin I deep kiss.  It was a kiss that carried over
how I felt, the emotion I felt of leaving the place where we discovered our
love.


Getting back to the chalet we had dinner and got cleaned up before
embarking on mission pack-up, leaving nothing but the bare essentials out
for the next morning.  Then Jus, Jamie and I (the three J's, hehe) carried
all the bags downstairs and loaded it in the trailer -- making sure minimal
work would be done in the morning.

The last part of our day was simple, or rather evening, it was just simply
slipping into bed.  Tomorrow morning early we would head back to Joburg,
and though I didn't always look forward to LONG LONG trips, I knew it would
be great with Justin.

Jamie was sleeping in the living room (by his choice) so we had the bedroom
to ourselves.  Don't go thinking funny, because it was romantic not funny!

I slipped in by the door and then tugged Justin by his collar, and looked
him lovingly in the eyes. "Justin, I love you!"

No more words were needed, I just flew into him and started kissing him
wildly, although he did try and say he loves me back between the wild
kissing -- it sounded kinda funny...

Our hands roamed our bodies, and every now and then I would take a few
seconds to look him in the eyes.  God those eyes...  The most beautiful
eyes in the world, I felt hypnotised by them...  We tripped over to the
bed.


*knock knock knock!!!* "Boys, wake up!  We're leaving in 15 minutes, if
you're not in the car you're staying behind!"  As if that was such a bad
thing?

"Yea yea mom, we're *yawn* we're up, I think..."  With that Justin looked
down the covers and started giggling...

"Yep Jay, we're up allright!  Come on, we gotta hurry!"

I kissed him and yeah well, did what I didn't want to do, got out of the
warm snugly bed and into my clothes for the day.  Justin obviously followed
suit, we did our rounds, checked that we had everything, and stood sadly on
the porch as my mother locked up the chalet.

"Mom, I'm gonna miss it here.  We must come back okay?"  I was really sad
but also kinda excited, I don't really know how I was feeling.

My mom just looked at me with a half smile, and then we walked down the
stairs to the idling car with Jannie and Jamie inside waiting for us.  I
would sit in the middle at the back, with Jamie at one door and Justin at
the other.  I wanted to snuggle up tightly to Justin.

The trip wouldn't be right if we didn't have our video camera to take down
little memories, and yeah well, playing with gadgets is what us teens do
best.  The trip through the mountain passes was breathtaking as always, and
it felt SOOOO good being able to share these experiences with Justin.

We drove until we made it to a smallish but not too small town called
Beaufort West, and decided to have breakfast at a fast food Wimpy there.
We saw the Wimpy sign, but my Jannie's navigational skills suck, so we
drove around a bit finding it -- I was too bothered cuddling with Justin to
focus on where we were going.

We finally stopped, and got out the car and stretched our legs.  It was
still quite cool outside, the light only beginning to show itself, and we
walked into the Wimpy -- not without being `charged' by some girls handing
out brochures to tourists.

I didn't like it, because we were now ex-tourists on our way home... how
sad.

We walked in the Wimpy, my mind still occupied when suddenly I felt Justin
freeze, and as I jolted my head to him his eyes were black with fear.
Slowly as I looked at where he was looking I also noticed everyone else in
my family go quiet and then I saw them, Allison, Melissa and his mother
having breakfast.

They just stared back at us, in the same kind of expression.  The
atmosphere was concrete thick, and even the other people there felt it.  A
waitress quickly tried to break some ice, noticing the tension lead us to a
table on the whole otherside of the restaurant.

"Jus -- you ok babe?"  Dumb question I know, but that's the kind of
question you ask when you want them to describe how they feel.

He looked at me with colour slowly and slightly returning to his eyes, but
barely.  "No Jay...  I dunno."

My mom looked at us, then at Jannie: "Honey, I don't know if this is such a
good idea.  Can't we just go some place else?"

"No please don't guys.  I know this sucks, but I'll be okay, I promise.
Let's just enjoy a breakfast.  I got Allison on my side, and we'll be
okay."

We didn't argue, we just tried our best to loosen up the atmosphere and
before you knew it we were the loudest table in there, laughing and joking
around...  I noticed some glances from Justin's mom and the rest of their
table.

Them being there was an ugly surprise, but not one we couldn't deal with.
Justin and I got up to go to the bathrooms, Justin still had it in the back
of his mind, but he was looking way better than earlier on.  As we came out
the bathrooms Melissa was there waiting on us.

She gave me one dirty look, then turned to stare at Justin.  "YOU...  Don't
you dare get comfortable.  I'll get you back -- I'll destroy your life, no
matter where you run.  Your life is over."

She looked at as with murder in her eyes, turned around and walked out of
the door towards the car.

But she turned around halfway as Justin and I stepped outside.  We needed
to get some air, but didn't think she'd turn around.  The next thing I knew
Melissa was storming in our direction with a determined rage on her face...
*WHACK*


Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...  *giggle* That's chapter two.
I didn't get any emails, hmmmm, but at least I do know my story is being
read.  I will bring out Chapter 3 as soon as I possibly can -- but
understandably my time is quite restricted.  Oh and before I go away
completely -- I need to express to the world that David is the sweetest
most wonderful guy in the world, Gawd you guys have to see his eyes, *melt*
his lips *melt* and he has the softest purest skin *melt melt melt!!!*...
To everyone who has given me their support, a massive massive big thank
you!  David -- I love you!

Email me at thap@ananzi.co.za