Date: Sun, 04 Mar 2001 07:47:02
From: Chip Dyp <chipdyp@hotmail.com>
Subject: Judgment Error 18

	The following program contains material suited for a mature audience.  If
you are not over 18 you should be leaving now.  Of course I can't control
you and neither can anyone else really.  This story is entirely false except
for the true parts.  And now for our feature presentation.  Viewer
Discretion is advised...

	My web site is located at http://www.geocities.com/chipdyp/index.html

Judgment Error 18
by:  Chip Dyp (chipdyp@hotmail.com)

	I stood at the door of David's house, hoping that this was all a bad dream.
  But it wasn't.  David had slammed the door in my face and told me to go
fuck off and die in not so many words.

	I turned slowly, and began to walk back to my car.  I took one final look
at David's house.  Now what was I going to do?  I loved David.  I wanted
David.

	I started the car and backed down the driveway.  There was nothing I could
do here.  David wasn't going to talk to me.  He wouldn't listen to me.  The
best I could hope for was to talk to him tomorrow, at school.

	When I got home, I walked into the house and slipped into the basement.
Louis and Lestat followed me into my room where I flopped down on the bed.
The room was dark, quiet and cool.  I sighed and stared at the ceiling.  The
tears I had shed earlier that afternoon with Will had drained me.  I had no
more to shed.

	The cats hopped up on the bed and rubbed against me.  They knew I wasn't
happy.  Eventually, they curled up beside me and settled in for a catnap.  I
looked at them enviously.  They didn't have to worry about relationships,
bad dreams, or anything else.

	I closed my eyes and pushed all my thoughts of David to the side.  I tried
to convince myself that I was better off not dating him.  That I could heal
emotionally without having to worry about him, and his feelings.  That
having him hold me wouldn't be that great.  It wasn't working.  I dropped
into a fitful sleep.

		*	*	*	*	*	*

	I dialled Rob's number for the fourth time, hoping that he'd be home.  I
listened as the phone rang and rang.  I was just about to hang up, when
someone answered.

	"Hello?"

	"Rob?"

	"Yeah.  So how did things go with Ian?"

	"All right.  We talked about David for a while this afternoon.  He was
going to go and see David when I left."

	"How could you do that, Will?  After what David did to him!!!"

	"Rob, David didn't do anything.  He forgot that Ian didn't like to be
hugged and tried to comfort him."

	"Oh Fuck.  That's all?"

	"That's all.  Why?  Rob, what did you do?"

	"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."

	"Rob, this isn't sounding very good.  You didn't hurt David, did you?"

	"No, I just sorta roughed him up."

	"Define roughed him up," I said coolly.  I had told Rob not to do anything.
  Why hadn't he listened?

	"I sorta pushed him up against a wall and told him to stay away from Ian."

	"Jesus Christ, Rob!" I yelled.  "I told you not to do anything.  Ian cried
for an hour because he loves David.  Because HE hurt David.  How could you
be so fucking stupid?  Do you ever think?"

	"I..."

	"Don't even try to make excuses.  You acted without thinking, just like you
did when you beat on your older brother.  And you're getting the same
results."  I slammed the phone down and grabbed my coat.  I had to get to
David's before Ian.  I knew it was futile, but I had to try.

		*	*	*	*	*	*

	I stared at the phone for a few seconds before I hung it up.  Will was
right.  I never thought about what I was doing.  I always acted.  'Like a
Neanderthal,' a little voice from inside me muttered.  I sat down on the
stool and rested my head in my hands.  It had taken me over nine months to
start rebuilding my relationship with my brother, and we had been close.
What had I destroyed in less than a minute could probably never be rebuilt,
but I had to try.  For Ian.

	I picked up the phone and started dialling Ian's number when I realized
that calling him wouldn't work.  He'd just hang up.  I needed to apologize
to him in person.  I knew that David would never talk to me, but there was a
chance that I could apologize to Ian.  I dropped my backpack by the front
door and got back into my truck.

	On the drive to Ian's, I thought about what I was going to say to him.
What could I say to him?  'Hi, I'm sorry I told your boyfriend to never look
at you again.'  Maybe, 'I know I hurt your boyfriend, but at least you know
he'll never hurt you.'  But that wasn't exactly true.  What if David did
hurt Ian because I had hurt him?

	I turned into Ian's driveway, and slowed to a stop.  I hopped out of the
truck and peered through the garage window.  Ian's car was at home.  Maybe
it wasn't too late.  Hurrying, I walked up the stairs and rang the doorbell.
  Mrs. Reynolds answered the door, and invited me.  She told me Ian was in
the basement and asked if I was staying for supper.  I smiled politely, and
told her that I was just there to talk to Ian for a minute or two.

	"Well, you know where Ian's room is.  Can you tell him that I'll leave
supper in the fridge?  I have to go to a meeting tonight."

	"Sure, Mrs. Reynolds.  No problem at all."

	Mrs. Reynolds disappeared up the stairs leaving me on my own.  I opened the
door to the basement and walked down the thirteen steps.  The basement was
dark and cool.  I walked do the hallway to Ian's room and knocked on the
door.

	"Ian, it's Rob.  Can I come in?"

	There was no answer for the longest time.  I knocked again, and then pushed
the door open.  Ian was lying on the bed, looking away from the door.  "What
do you want?"  He asked.  His voice was so quiet, so calm, so eerie.

	I walked around the bed and got down on my knees in front of him.  He
didn't move at all.  He didn't bring his eyes up to meet mine. He didn't
roll away.  He just lay there.  I took a deep breath and bowed my head.  "I
want to apologize to you, Ian.  I didn't mean to come between you and David.
  I only wanted to make sure that you weren't going to be hurt."

	Ian didn't say anything to me.  He brought his head up and looked me right
in the eyes.  I gasped when I saw his bloodshot eyes.  "You failed."  He
lowered his eyes and sighed.  "Leave.  Please."

	"I can't Ian."  I took a deep breath.  "You were right.  I failed.  I hurt
you.  I don't want to lose you as a friend, Ian."

	Ian didn't say anything more to me.  I looked at him for the longest time,
hoping for some response, but he was silent.  I took a deep breath and
stood.  "I guess I'll go now, Ian.  I'm sorry for what I have done to you.
Will was right, I don't think before I act and it's cost me a friend and has
nearly cost me the relationship I had with my brother."

	I walked across the bedroom, trying not to cry.  I was almost to the door,
when Ian said quietly, "What happened with your brother?"

	I stopped and looked at the carpet.  There were only three people who knew
exactly what had happened between my brother and me.  Now there were going
to be four.  I took a deep breath, and looked back at Ian.  "I came home one
night and found him blowing a guy in his bedroom.  After his boyfriend left,
he came to talk to me, and I punched him when he told me he was gay.  And
then I punched him again.  And again.  I told him to shut up.  I told him he
couldn't be gay.  He tried to fight back, but he's a little guy like you and
Will.  He didn't stand a chance.  When I was finished his ribs were bruised,
he had a black eye, and I had lost everything I had with my brother.  He ran
away with his boyfriend right after I left."

	I looked back at Ian.  He was sitting on the bed, looking at me.  "He was
so scared when he came to talk to me that night.  Scared that I was going to
hate him.  And I brought all his fears to life.  He didn't even tell my
parents where he was going.  When he called four months ago, they were so
happy to hear from him.  They didn't care that he was gay.  They still loved
him."

	"And I had beat him.  I had punched my brother.  Hurt him.  When he
finished talking to mom and dad, he asked if he could talk to me alone for a
second.  When I answered the phone, he told me he hoped that some big fag
would hurt me like I had hurt him."  I paused and look at Ian.  "That was
the night that I went out to the lake for your surprise party."

	"When I saw Stefan ready to rape you, it was like I was there with you.  I
know that makes no sense.  But, I knew I had to save you if I was going to
salvage my relationship with my brother.  Being gay doesn't matter.  It's
just a part of who you are.  And it's just a part of who my brother is."

	"My brother called again late in August.  When he was done talking to my
parents, he asked to talk to me again.  This time, before he could say
anything, I apologized.  I also told him about you."

	"He was quiet as I told him what had happened to you.  How we were friends.
  I also told him that I loved him."

	"We talked for another hour about you.  He was still mad at me and he told
me that he wouldn't accept my apology.  But he did tell me to take care of
you.  So, I've been trying.  I'm hoping he'll forgive me someday."

	"I know I overreacted and hurt David when I didn't need too, but I couldn't
let you get hurt."

	"Come here, Rob," Ian said, standing.  I walked over to where Ian was
standing and bowed my head.  Ian looked me right in the eyes, and nodded.
"I'm sorry about what happened between you and your brother, and it explains
a lot, but it doesn't change anything.  You hurt David, and in doing so you
hurt me.  I can forgive you for hurting me, but I can't forgive you for
hurting David.  Only David can give you that forgiveness."

	"I understand," I said quietly.

	"Good.  So, why don't you tell me how you are going to apologize for
hurting David?"

		*	*	*	*	*	*

	I opened the door to David's room and walked slowly into the darkness.
"David, are you here?"

	"What do you want?"

	"Well, I came to talk to you, but you didn't answer your door."

	"I don't want to talk to anyone."

	"That's what I figured," I said.  I sat at the head of the bed beside
David.  "But, I need to talk to you."

	"I'm not interested in anything you have to say.  Especially if it's about
Ian."

	"I don't believe that for a second, David.  I know you love him."

	"I loved him!" David said angrily.  "Past tense."

	"Uh huh.  Keep telling yourself that," I said, hopping off the bed.  I took
a look at a couple of trophies, and continued.  "Maybe you'll believe it
someday.  I won't."

	"Why don't you just fuck off, Will."

	I spun around and got right into David's face.  "Because I don't want you
or Ian to make a mistake that you'll regret.  I know you guys love each
other a lot.  I know Rob threatened you, for absolutely no reason.  I know
he regrets hurting you.  And I am damn sure that Ian wants you back."

	"I talked to Ian for an hour and a half this afternoon before he came and
saw you.  He loves you so much, but Stefan fucked him up.  He loves you a
lot."

	David looked at me for a second, trying to hold back his tears.  "But, it's
just so hard.  I wanna hold him in my arms and kiss him and make him feel
safe.  Maybe he was right.  Maybe it's just too hard."

	"Everything worth having is hard David.  If it wasn't, it wouldn't be worth
having."

	David nodded, and looked down at the bed.  "But what about Rob?  I don't
want to piss him off."

	"Don't worry about, Rob.  He likes you a lot.  He was just really mad
because he thought you raped or tried to fondle Ian."

	"Why did he think that?"

	"He overheard you and Ian in the Library."

	"Oh.  I thought Ian had gotten him to threaten me."

	"Ian didn't know anything about it.  When I talked to him after school, he
said that you had just tried to comfort him."

	"Yeah, he didn't have a good night."

	I smiled and brushed the hair out of David's eyes.  "Why don't you go get
cleaned up, and we'll go to Ian's house."

	"I'd like that."

	David rolled out of bed and grabbed his jeans off the floor.  Even I could
tell that he was attractive when he was in his little blue bikini briefs.
David and Ian were lucky that they'd found each other.

		*	*	*	*	*	*

	I fidgeted in the car as Will drove down the street towards Ian's house.  I
tugged on my shirt again, and tried to smile.

	"Settle down, David.  You've already met him.  He knows how attractive you
are."

	"I'm just...what if he's angry at me for slamming the door on his face."

	"Would you quit worrying?  It's all going to turn out all right."

	"How do you know?"

	"Because, although our lives aren't storybook perfect, they can't be all
bad.  Real life isn't that melodramatic."

	"I guess."

	"We're here," Will said unnecessarily, as he pulled up and parked behind
Rob's truck.

	"We are."  I didn't move from my seat.  I gripped the seat belt even
tighter, and looked at Will.

	"You're gonna come with me?"

	"Yep.  I need to have a few words with Rob."

	"Okay.  Um, I guess we should go then."  I unbuttoned my seatbelt and slid
out of the car.  Will smiled across the roof at me, and nodded towards the
door.

	I led the way to the door, with Will close behind.  No one answered the
door when I rang the doorbell the first time.  I pushed the button the
second and looked at Will.  I was just about to say that no one was home
when the door opened.  It was Ian.

	"David," Ian said, quietly.  He looked at Will and nodded slightly.  "Will.
  Come in."

	"Thanks," I replied.  My voice was cracked as I walked across the
threshold.  My hands were sweating as I stared at Ian.  Neither one of us
knew what to say.

	"All right, you two make up.  I'm going to have a few words with Rob."

	"Will!" Ian and I both said quickly.

	Will turned and smiled.  "Guys, I can only get you together.  I'm a virgin
to all this relationship stuff, just like you, and I have no idea what the
deal is when two gay boys have a fight.  You're gonna have to grope your own
way through this.  Just remember, you guys love each other.  Build from
there."  And with those words of wisdom, Will left us.

	"I..." we both started.  I smiled at Ian, and continued.  "I'm sorry, Ian.
I shouldn't have slammed the door on you.  I shouldn't have tried to hug you
after you specifically told me that I wouldn't be able to touch you.  This
whole thing is my fault."

	"No, it's not," Ian smiled at me and brushed a strand of hair out of my
eyes.  "David, I love you a lot.  Whenever you're with me, I feel special.
I've never felt that way.  I'm sorry I can't show you how I feel about you."

	"It's all right," I said quietly.  "I feel the same way about you.  We're
just gonna have to keep telling each other how we feel, until you are ready
to go further.  And there's no hurry.  I don't want you to worry.  I'm
willing to wait a lifetime to have you hold me.  That's how much I love
you."

	Ian eyes misted up.  He smiled at me, and whispered, "I don't think you'll
have to wait a lifetime."  Ian stepped closer and wrapped his arms around my
back.

	I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.  Ian released his hold on me, and
took hold of my hand.  "I love you, David."

	"I love you too, Ian."

		*	*	*	*	*	*

	"Come out, come out wherever you are," I called out as I walked down the
hallway to Ian's room.  I pushed open the door, and found the man I was
looking for.  Rob was lying on Ian's bed, dead to the world.  I walked into
the room, and sat down on the bed beside him.  I pulled the hair out of his
eyes and smiled at the big lug.

	"Rob, wake up."  I shook his shoulder gently.

	One eye popped open, and then the other.  Rob rolled on the bed and sat up
quickly.  "Will?  Where's Ian? I was just..."

	"He's upstairs with David."

	"You convinced David that..."

	"That Ian didn't ask you to beat him up?  Yes, I did.  I also made him
realize that he really loved Ian and that the two of them should get back
together.  It wasn't that hard really."

	"You're really good at that stuff."

	"Yes, I am.  Now, you and I have to have a little chat."

	Rob hung his head.  He knew he was in trouble.  "I already know what you're
going to say."

	"What am I going to say?"

	"That you told me not to do anything.  That I didn't need to beat David up,
and that I shouldn't have done it.  You're also going to say that I almost
fucked things up for Ian with David."

	"Close enough.  I'm also going to say that you need to learn that not all
problems can be solved with violence.  And that by trying to protect one
friend, you hurt another."

	"I know."  Rob paused for a second and looked up at me.  "I told Ian about
my brother."

	"Good.  I thought you might.  So, now what are you going to say to David?"

	"I'm going to apologize to him.  Alone, if possible."

	"He may not want to be with you alone."

	"I know, but I hope he will."

	I nodded and looked down at my friend.  "I'll go upstairs and see how the
boys are doing.  If David agrees, I'll send him downstairs to you."

	"There's no need to do that," David said from the doorway.  "I'm already
here."

	I looked back at David and smiled.  "Have you and Ian sorted things out?"

	David nodded.  "Will, can you leave me and Rob alone for a bit?  We need to
talk."

	I smiled and nodded.  "All right.  I'll be upstairs with Ian."

	David nodded and walked into the room.  After I left, he pushed the door
closed so he could be alone with Rob.  I wondered for a moment what he was
going to say and I debated staying and putting my ear to the door, but
decided against it.  David and Rob needed some time alone, and they would
get it.

		*	*	*	*	*	*

	I looked at Rob after I pushed the door closed.  "So, you thought I raped
Ian?  Nice to know you trust me."

	"I was wrong, David."

	"You thought I RAPED Ian.  You were more than wrong."

	"No one knew that Stefan had raped Ian.  And he was a friend."

	"So, you think I'm like Stefan?"

	"I didn't say that.  I was wrong David.  I shouldn't have hurt or
threatened you.  I know that, but I wanted to be sure Ian didn't get hurt."

	"So you hurt me instead?  I thought we were friends, Rob"

	"We are."

	David snorted.  "Friend's don't do what you did."

	"I know.  I'm sorry David."

	"Do you really think sorry will cut it?"

	"I...I don't know.  Probably not."

	"Rob, I really like you.  You're a great guy, but every time I look at you,
I'm going to think about what you did to me.  It's going to take a long time
for me to forgive you."

	"I know.  But I'd like to try to make it up to you."

	I nodded, and sat down on the bed beside Rob.  "Now tell me about your
brother.  Ian said it'll help me understand what's going on."

	Rob nodded and smiled.  Things wouldn't be the same between us, but
hopefully things would be better.

	Continued.