Date: Sun, 28 Apr 2002 19:10:49 -0500
From: Thomas Morningside <thomasmorningside@hotmail.com>
Subject: Lessons Learned In Life: 1

     The standard disclaimers apply here, if you are too
young, and have not yet reached the legal age for reading or
viewing material of this type, and then you should leave
now.  If the viewing of this is illegal, under any
circumstances, or in any jurisdictional classification you
come under, then you, as well, should leave.  If literature
pertaining to homosexuals offends you, then you should leave
now, or stay and be offended.
     I shall let the story introduce itself, and tell you
where it is coming from.  The names of those who are real
have been changed, as have the names of places, or specific
events in the story.  I would love to hear what you think of
this story, so feel free to email me at
thomasmorningside@hotmail.com.  All comments are welcome.
With that said, let the story begin.


     I guess it all began when I was just reaching that
blessed age of pubescence that fills your mind and body with
new wonders desires, and questions.  I began to notice, as
cliche as it may be that I wasn't attracted to girls, as the
other boys were, oh no I was attracted to boys, those
glorious examples of aesthetic perfection.  This realization
didn't become too important, until a few years later, when I
became heavily engrossed in the illiberal and intolerant
dogma of the local church I was attending.  This engrossment
led me to believe that I was this horrible person, I was
gay, oh my goodness and that was not only a sin, but also an
abomination.  Seeing this, and taking it to heart, I began
to bury myself behind huge layers of denial, rebuking not
only homosexuality, but also anything in support, semblance,
or recognition of it.  This also applied to people, anyone
who supported this "wicked" sexuality would be sure to hear
my opinion of it, that way they couldn't assume anything
about my own sexual orientation.  This lasted for several
years until I began to notice that the more I denied my own
feelings, the stronger they came back to me, I couldn't
rationalize this to myself.  If I had made a choice to
become gay, then making a choice to not be gay should cancel
that out, shouldn't it?  This was my rational.  I couldn't
comprehend it no matter how hard I tried.  I didn't remember
making a choice to be gay, but I had to have, I know I
wasn't born that way.  I thought if it wouldn't go away,
then I'd have to learn to live with it, even though it was
wrong.  Several years after this I began to consider letting
someone else in on my secret.  I chose the first person to
be one of my best friends, Susan.  I though that of all my
friends she would be the person who not only was I closest
to, but was also the most tolerant.
     "Susan I need to, uh, talk to you when you have a
minute," I uttered not knowing if I really wanted to go
through with this or not.
     "Yeah, Thomas, what did you need," Susan asked me
looking at me trying to see if she could guess what it was,
looking past the facade of bravery I thought I had put up,
she stated, "Thomas, what is it, are you aright?"
     "Oh yeah I wanted to tell you that I, uh, well you see,
I'm, well Susan I'm." I blundered my way along, getting a
concerned stare, and a laugh out of Susan.
     "Thomas, just say it, what are you gay," she stated and
then laughed heartily.  My face went blank; I became flushed
and almost started crying.
     "Well actually yeah, I am," I stuttered out, doing my
best to gauge her reaction.  Her smile was the same, and her
eyes looked as if to be contemplating and debating on what
her next move should be.
     "Are you serious, Thomas, you better not be joking,
this isn't a joke is it," I guess this reaction was my fault
due to the fact that I had a pretty extensive history of
joking around, and loving to laugh and joke as much as
possible.  Even though this wasn't the rebuttal that I had
expected, I still didn't sense any change in her behavior
towards me, but I had to be absolutely certain.
     "Susan, I'm not joking, do you hate me now, are you
gonna feel differently about me now that you know this," I
asked hoping against hope that she would say no.
     "Oh you are serious, don't be stupid," she said
playfully punching me in the arm, as she often did.  "I
don't feel any differently about you than I ever have, I
have an aunt who is a lesbian, you're still the same to me,"
she finished pulling me into a hug.  My heart soared to the
highest realm I could fathom, I had told someone else the
biggest secret that I had, and they had reacted positively,
if all else went wrong I knew that I would always have
Susan.
     Over the course of the next few months, I came out to
seven more of my friends, and two of my family members,
those being the family that I was closest to, my cousin
Renee and my grandmother.  I guess I could tell you why
these two were chosen to be the first family, my grandmother
got the pick because she is the closest person in the world
to me, and if everyone when finding out my sexuality, turned
against me, but she didn't then I would be fine.  My cousin
is a person that I had always talked to when things come up;
we had lived together for a few years at this time too.  The
friend were chosen because they were the people that I was
closest to at this time, four of my friends who would have
classified as best friends, were not told.  This was
basically for one reason, they all went to my church, the
one with the intolerant dogma, they too had it heavily
ingrained in their minds too.  I knew that when I made the
choice to come out completely, I would lose them, I wasn't
ready for that, yet.
     We're now at the beginning of school my senior year and
two months have passed since the last friend was told.
School was going good, I liked the classed I had, and was
excited with the impending graduation.  About two weeks into
the year my senior English teacher gave us the description
of an assignment that was due the next week.  She told us we
were to bring in a container, referred to as an artifact
box, and it was to be filled with various things
representing my life, and answering question about it.  One
of the things she said it needed to contain, was something
representing, "a lesson learned."  I chose a shirt I had
purchased once, in Hot Topic, it was black with rainbow
lettering stating, "let's get one thing straight, I'm not."
I felt that I was ready to come out completely, I had the
support of my friends, and the most important members of my
family.  The day came to do my presentation, I got up
started, and then I took my shirt out of the box.
     "This is my lesson learned," I started, "I don't have
to hide from things, just because, some people don't like
it, or they don't accept it, and so I won't hide it
anymore," that stated I held up the shirt, and turned the
front towards the class, letting them all have a good amount
of time to look at it.


     I hope you liked it, I know it's short, and somewhat
dull, but things will pick up after this chapter.  Please
write me and let me know what you think, honestly it's the
best way to decide where to go from here.  This is basically
a true story; however, it will entail certain fictional
elements, and fictional events.  Once again the address is,
thomasmorningside@hotmail.com .