Date: Fri, 07 Mar 2008 13:28:31 +0100
From: A.K. <andrej@andrejkoymasky.com>
Subject: The Life Wheel 08/15 (High schhol)

----------------------------

THE LIFE WHEEL
by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2008
written on October 1, 1991
translated by the author
English text kindly revised by The Australian

-----------------------------

USUAL DISCLAIMER

"THE LIFE WHEEL" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic
scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family,
opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to
read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or
because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed
guest.

-----------------------------

CHAPTER 8 - Matteo 6 and Marco 6

Matteo

Happiness embodies it's self in someone that just has to be loved. To
me, happiness is Marco.

What bought this about? Was it the fact that our love had grown over
such a long time? Had it been the struggle of denial that had made this
all the more intense? Had it been the absence of commitment that made
the final surrender all the sweeter, stronger, more rewarding than any
victory?

It was time to savor the effort.

Seeing Marco happy, so happy, and knowing that this happiness is nothing
but my love. My acceptance of his love. All this made me feel as if I
were a new, real, complete man full of joy.

Some mornings, I would teach at the school and he to attend his faculty
lessons. When time permitted, we would spend all afternoon together.
While I'm was preparing lessons or revising my students' home-work,
Marco studied and prepared for his tests. He often helped me and I
helped him and the fact that we were sharing our activities makes us
even closer, more united.

It's a joy making love with him, but it's also a pleasure studying or
working together, discussing, or just being near to each other.
Everything between us becomes an expression of love. At times I look at
him leaning on his books, absorbed, concentrating and feel lost in
admiration. I could spend hours just looking at him. I could spend hours
making love with him. This is what I call life's fullness.

When I explain something to one of my classes, I'm often aware that his
observations, his thoughts have become integral part of my explanations,
and then I feel he is there with me and in that moment, teaching with
me. It is a wonderful feeling. It's no more just a case of me a giving a
lesson, but it is us, together.

At times I ask myself "What do I like more about Marco"? The answer is
really easy - everything. I like his intellect, the liveliness of his
personality.  I like his radiant smile. I like his patience and
perseverance. I like his flawless complexion. I like his determination
and self-assuredness and I like how he embraces me. I like his
gentleness and tenderness, and the ardour and intensity of his kisses. I
like his curiosity and desire to understand, and the way he makes love.
The list goes on... I like the completed Marco. All of him. His body,
mind and soul.

Is it possible that he doesn't have any faults? He has some, but they
are never a burden to me but they just seem to make him all the more
lovable. At times he is a little untidy, at times he is somewhat harsh
in his judgements, and other times he is too hesitant. At times too
yielding but these are just small shadows of no importance, that don't
hide anything of his inner beauty, from his value. It simply makes him
more human, more true. They are parts of him and I love him, regardless
of these small imperfections.

I love him with my entire being, but yet I have the feeling I'm not
loving him enough.

A few weeks ago Marco told me, "You know? At times I'm a little afraid."

"Afraid? Of what?"

"Of the intense happiness as we have. How long will it last? Will we
become so used to it that we will no enjoy it, appreciate it, just get
bored with it?"

"I don't think so. It will change, I agree - it will not always be as it
is now. It already is different from the first days when we started
making love. This doesn't mean it will be less beautiful, nor less
valuable. It will be even more beautiful and valuable than ever.

"The first time we made love, I still hadn't seen your naked body. I
felt emotion in the discovery. Then I gradually learned to discover more
of your body. Now there is no discovery of your body; but it has been
replaced by my pleasure of knowing it, of being able to close my eyes
and see it perfectly. Now it's the knowing of how and where to touch you
to give you pleasure.

"I don't think the discoveries of each other ever ends. No man is ever
static. We are continually evolving.  We evolve in the way we make love
and the way we mature. It is becoming more and more beautiful. Possibly
there will be no more enthusiasm at the novelty of it, but there is the
awareness of sharing. I'm feeling more yours now. More now than on the
first day."

"I don't think we will ever get bored of each other, as long as we love
each other."

"As long as we will be able to go on adapting to each other, we will
continue to become one being." Marco said.

"In order for two to become one, they have to want it minute after
minute, day after day, year after year. Being one is not a point to
reach, but a road that has to be travelled. That's why it never can be
repetitive, monotonous, boring. It's never ending. No, I am not afraid
by the future. My future is with you."

"You are right. Let's go on a journey, then!" Marco beamed.

There is one thing I was not used to. Something that I'm getting used to
do with Marco - we often discuss also our physical relationship.

He said, "We talk openly about what makes music, about what in a
literary text excites us both. We talk about what we liked or didn't
like in a movie, a meal, or what we appreciate or don't appreciate in a
monument. We talk about the feelings that a starry sky, or a sunset or a
hurricane bring upon us. Why shouldn't we talk about one of the most
important facets of our being human, that is about our love making? I
want to know what you think, what you feel, what you like or dislike,
what you desire, what you fantasizes about while we are making love. I
want to give voice to all I feel and get to know all you are feeling.
What effect my being in you is having on you. The feelings you
experience when you are in me. What you feel when you kiss, touch me or
are kissed or touched by me. To me, sharing all these feelings is
important. It is as important as not having any form of modesty between
us. I want our love to be as beautiful as it is open."

At first I had to overcome my reluctance (an induced reluctance, as
Marco rightly says, not a natural one) to share all of me but I am
succeeding in mastering my shyness and it is really beautiful being able
to share all aspects of our life. It has the power of making us feel
more and more like one. This is a way to make love, to show each other
how much we love each other, by being completely nude in front of the
other, not only physically. Sharing our physical nakedness is beautiful,
but sharing our souls in all their nakedness is sublime. Not having the
fear of telling everything to each other. How truly sublime.

By June, Marco passed three of his tests set for the first year and he
got two 30/30 and one with honours and I was finishing up my year at
school. We are making plans about our first vacations together. He
already told his parents that this year he was going to spend his
vacations with me. His parents, knowing he was gay, would have probably
guessed something, even though up to now they make no aspersions and are
always really kind me, at least for the few times we talked at the phone
or met.

We meet Leo and Tony quite often. They are two enchanting boys. I can't
say which of them I like the best. Physically, Tony is fascinating. He
dresses and moves in a way that shows off his body. He is a really
sensual boy. He's not a dandy or a narcissist.  He just has a natural
elegance, like the knowing swagger of the well honed athlete, or the
robust assuredness of a well trained dancer.

I know better Leo, as he has been one of my students. I always liked his
personality very much. What I think I like seeing the most, is how well
they seem to fit together.

Something that really surprised me was learning that Tony had been
abandoned when he was a little baby, and that he grew up in orphanages
and institutions. He had his first sex experiences when he was just
twelve with several of his companions at the orphanage. When he was
fourteen, it was with one of the wardens. Before he met Leo, he started
to hustle to earn some pocket money. He occasionally hustled  when he
was out of school hours.

He met Leo five years ago, when both were fifteen and half. One
particular afternoon, Tony was doing his usual best to try and find a
john in the park, when he saw Leo who in turn had just come from the gym
and was looking for a sexual adventure. They at once felt attracted to
each other. Leo drew him near and they clicked. They talked for some
time, until both understood that the other was gay. Tony led him to an
old house that was about to be demolished.  Tony had often withdrawn to
the house with his occasional client, as he had found a way to enter
without being seen.

After they had sex, Tony confessed to Leo that he normally cruised the
park to hustle, but he didn't want money from Leo but rather he proposed
that if Leo chose to become his boyfriend, he would stop hustling.

Love at first sight!  Leo accepted at once. He liked the thought having
Tony as a boyfriend. After that first time, they both have been faithful
to each other and they still seem like two fiancˇes in their honeymoon.

Tony told me that he really started to live, to have an aim in life and
to be happy with Leo. After their first meeting, Tony asked him to be
patient until they came of age, so that after they were legal they would
go to live together. It was as it happened. It was Leo who encouraged
Tony to enrol in the Academy, as he saw that his boyfriend was very good
at drawing.

Tony ended his story saying, "Leo is to me father, mother, brother,
friend... everything!"

"And here was I thinking that you were only my lover""

"Yes, of course, a lover before all else, but you give back life to me. 
You are my Father and Mother. You gave me an aim in life.  You are my a
brother and friend. You gave me your love. You are my beloved and my
lover. You are everything to me. Don't you understand that?"

Leo took the conversation. "You have heard only Tony's side of the
story. He didn't tell you what he gave me. I am an only child and a
spoiled one at that. I am the son of rich parents that never gave me the
time of day. When I was fourteen, I knew I was gay. I told it to my
parents. I wanted to challenge them, hoping that something could shake
them or pushed them to care for me. To make them aware of me!  Never for
a second did they react.  Really modern parents, ah?

"Do you know what their reaction was?  My mother said 'I just hope you
won't bring home any weird people'. My father said 'Avoid a public
scandal. Don't soil my good name. Your private life is your own
business'.  That was the end of it. That was all!

"When I told my Father that I had to met Tony, my father asked me what
was his educational level and what was his social background. When I
told them that Tony didn't come from a well-off family but was in fact a
foundling, my mother turned up her nose. That was the end of it...
again!

"From the first times we met, Tony surrounded me with his joyousness. He
made me reflect upon reality.  His life made him mature beyond his
years. He taught me to fight and when to step back after evaluating the
futility of fighting.

"He taught me to value also the life's smaller aspects. Tony has been my
safety anchor that has rescued me from an empty and banal life. He
warmed me with his superabundant love, making up for the love that my
parents wouldn't give me. I owe him everything.  He is the one that
allowed me to be the real Leo. Not just a puppet with an empty heart!
How could I not to be in love with him?!"

These were two splendidly matched boys who seem to have been created
expressly for each other.

I am learning to appreciate them and to love them more!

I made Marco met Gino and Lorenzo, the only gay couple I have know for a
long time. Gino is a stylist and Lorenzo an advertising agent and they
met because of their work. Lorenzo, jokingly and in confidence, told me
that if he weren't a real friend, he would have tried to steal Marco
form me. He congratulated me and told me that my boyfriend, besides
being really handsome, seems to him very smart and that it was evident
to him that he is totally in love with me. I don't really need to get
confirmation of it but being told such things gave me great pleasure.

Marco really liked Gino who is possibly the most likeable and sociable
of them. Lorenzo is somewhat introverted and he needs some time to open
with anyone he doesn't know. With time, one become aware that he is
smart and a very likeable guy.

For our next vacations, Marco and I have decided we will tour Abruzzi
and Molise, as Lorenzo and Gino had suggested. Neither of us have ever
been to these regions. We could spend some time at the seaside, some
time visiting museums and monuments, and also visit the mountain. We
always booked a double room in all the hotels.

It will be good living together for a month or more.  We will leave on
July 20 and be back on August 18. He will stay at my home until the end
of August, because he didn't tell his parents we would be back earlier.
The reason why we are coming back to Turin earlier is that Arne and Kaj
will come to visit us. They will stay at my home for about ten days. In
fact, Kaj got two weeks leave and wants to come and get to know us.

I told Marco what happened between Arne and me and I was pleased to see
that he was not even a bit jealous. I also explained to him that it had
been Arne who gave me the final push towards him.

"I already like him!" Then he asked me, "Do you feel you would like
having sex with him again?"

I looked at him in amazement. "Of course not! Now that I have you, I am
no longer interested in anybody else. I don't need anybody else."

"If you told me you did, I would not have objected, but... honestly, I
am glad you answered like that. I don't believe I will have sex with
anybody else. You fill my life. You are giving me all I need and more.
But I want you to feel free..."

"But are you feeling free?"

"Absolutely free. So much free so that I can say no to anybody. So free
as to be able to give myself totally and only to you, my love."

Yes, only a really free person can totally give himself to another.

Arne asked me to send him our photograph and he sent us a picture with
him and Kaj. It would be the so-called 'uniform fascination', but Kaj
seems a really handsome young man. It seems that his promotion to
officer is imminent, so they are already looking for their apartment.

And we two? I want Marco to come to live with me more and more. A few
months ago I hinted at it, but he said he doesn't feel like asking his
father for a monthly allowance, nor did he want to be a burden on my
wallet. He said he would rather look for a work, but I told him I don't
want him to slow down his studies because of me. We never talked about
it again, but I am going on to continue thinking about it, as I now
think I have found a possible solution.

Thanks to the excellent marks he got, he can apply for a university
pre-salary. I am sure he would get it. I think there would still be a
problem. Would he have the courage telling his parents that he is going
to live with me? I know that if I asked him, he would do it. It's for
this reason that I am hesitant to suggest it. If he has to take such a
steep, it has to be because he feels the need to doing it, not just to
make me happy.

I think that when we get back from our vacation, I will seek advice from
Leo. He knows Marco very well and has a level head on his shoulders.
Yes, from Leo and Tony.

For the moment we'll just start to enjoy the month and half's vacation.

Together day and night. It will be wonderful!

--------------

Marco

Matteo is wonderful. It seems almost incredible that I should have the
luck to meet such a person. He is always ready to please me, he is
careful and gentle. He never loses his patience. At times, when it
seemed that some tension could grow between us over a small matter, he
at once cools it down before it became a serious matter, just with a
smile, a quip, and with his good nature. If I weren't already in love
with him, I would find it very easy to do so. No, I should say, I fall
in love again, every day. It could seem odd, but it really is so.

He made me meet a couple of his friends, Lorenzo and Gino. Lorenzo is
almost thirty and Gino will be soon twenty-six. Lorenzo works in an
advertising agency and Gino is fashion designer and works for Armani.
They met three years ago when Armani called Lorenzo for a publicity
campaign. They worked together for some months.

During their first few days together Lorenzo asked Gino, "How come your
drawings only show women's clothing? We men are always neglected in the
field of fashion. I don't think it's right."

"Armani has men's clothing!"

"Yes, but not you. Why?"

"It's a well known fact that we faggots like to dress the women and to
undress men!"

Lorenzo was taken aback, "Are you serious?"

"Well... I'm serious about saying I'm gay. I prefer working on clothing
for women. I think it comes from the wider range of cloth, models and
colours. Anyway, it is also true that I prefer to undress men."

"Ah, I see. It could be as you say. But I didn't expect you declare it
so lightly. Do you always tell people that you are gay?"

"I don't need to. Everybody already knows about me."

"I didn't know. I didn't think you were. You are not a queen."

"Well, now you know. Does it disturb you?"

"No, absolutely not."

"Oh, I see, you are an open minded and modern guy."

"No, it's just that I'm gay too."

"You? You gay? This is really good news!"

"Good? Why?"

"Good. Yes. I hope I can undress you, sooner or later."

Gino says that Lorenzo blushed like a schoolboy and changed the subject.
After working had finished for the day, he invited him to have a drink
together at the pub.

Once there, after a while, Gino said, "Thank you for the beer, but I
hoped you would invite me at your place to show me the classical
butterfly or stamps collection, as it usually happens when two... I like
you, Lorenzo. I'm not used to saying this so abruptly to anyone, but...
I really would like to undress you."

They quickly proceeded to Lorenzo's place. Some time later that lively
spark Gino was reported to have said, "... he didn't show me his
butterfly collection, just a wonderful and unique piece, a predator bird
- his cock!"

At first it was something superficial, they both simply liked screwing
with each other but gradually they became aware they were getting along
very well with each other, so much that they were not able to live
without each other.

Gino left his bed-sitter, Lorenzo his mini-flat and they both rented a
nice apartment and started to live together. Exactly three years ago.

Lorenzo is perhaps the more handsome of them, but Gino is bursting with
life and energy from every pore. Lorenzo is the quiet type but Matteo
says that one just needs to get to know him better, to give him time to
open up.

Their home is really beautiful. It's evident they don't have problems
with money as it is well furnished and all in good taste. They are also
very hospitable. You immediately feel at ease with them and are made
comfortable and welcome in their place. I would like to visit them,
sooner or later, with Tony and Leo.

Matteo is becoming very fond of them, especially after Tony told him his
story. I think that Gino and Lorenzo would get along well with Leo and
Tony. I really feel as if Leo and Tony were my brothers. I really love
them. We were good friends with Leo during our school years, but it
seems that now our friendship is strengthening, is maturing and it
pleases me. I'm also glad that they are going well along with Matteo.

When we told Gino and Lorenzo that Matteo and I intend to go on vacation
together, but that we hadn't yet decided where to go, they suggested we
visit Abruzzi and Molise. They also gave us the addresses of hotels
where they had stopped, and where nobody made weird faces at them when
they asked for a double room. So we are now preparing for our journey.
In August, Arne and his man Kaj, will come to visit us. Matteo had
already explained to me, that Arne was the hitchhiker he met last
summer, and that they had sex. I didn't feel jealous at all, because at
that time Matteo was not yet my lover. I know that now I am the most
important person in the world to him. When he asked me if I would agreed
to have them stay here, I asked him if he wanted to have sex with Arne
again. I was sure he would answer me that he didn't even think of that,
but even if he said he would, I wouldn't have felt too bad. When he
answered me a firm 'no!' (almost scandalized and offended by my
question) I was pleased.

Arne is the same age as me. Matteo explained how it had been Arne who
pushed him to send me those two postcards and told him that he should
not forget me. This made me eager to meet him and to give him my thanks.

Matteo gradually told me about the boys, or men, he had before me. I'm
pleased that he is telling me, because I feel that I'm getting so to
know him better by sharing his past. I started to tell him about my past
adventures as well. It is funny how, by telling about my past sex
adventures to the person I love, my conscience seems to awaken and
becoming better able to judge, whether good or bad, the things I did up
until recently. I didn't particularly like nor dislike them. They are
just history now.

I mean after all, I had lived those adventures, and recalled or narrated
them to other people, without ever giving moral judgment upon them. On
the contrary, now that I'm telling Matteo about them, his point of view
comes instantly, clearly and in a concise way. I'm learning from his
approach. When one loves, there is more truth, genuine feeling and a
sense that our conscience is either sleeping or awake.

Isn't this really great?

Love makes us free. In fact it allows us to understand what is good and
what isn't. Love makes us able to make real choices.  When we have no
ability, or possibility, of making a real choice, we are not free.
Matteo and I are building our love and our freedom.

Yesterday I was telling Tony about Matteo and me. The more time passes,
the more I feel the desire to live with Matteo, but to do so, I would
have to manage somehow not to be a financial burden to him. Tony says
this is just stupid pride. He is living with Leo, and their money comes
from Leo's folks, but it seems to me that it is different for us.  Leo's
folks don't have money problems and their money is the only thing they
seem to be able to give to Leo. However, they are building their life
together starting from scratch.

I entered into Matteo's life when he was already settled.  He gets his
salary and to get it he has to work hard. The house already belongs to
him. Tony keeps on telling me that my worries are just nonsense (or
bullshit, as he really said) and that I am raising problems that don't
really exist. His reasoning is simple (or simplistic?). Matteo would do
anything for me, so why don't I let him do it? Then Tony added, "Doesn't
loving each other mean sharing everything?"

Yes, he is right, but on a money level it would not be sharing
everything, but for Matteo to give and for me to take... Is really a
stupid pride that prevents me from accepting it, or is it a sense of
fairness?

Tony countered that according to my sense of fairness, only two people
earning exactly the same salary can live together. I answered him "No,
it would be absurd". Then Tony asked me "Then where is the point of
balance in the salary difference"?  "How can anyone know that, least of
all me"! I responded.

It would be useless to talk about it with Leo, because I know that he
would say exactly what Tony says. Those two do always agree about
everything!

Bof!

For the moment it would be better I just concentrated on preparing for
my vacations with Matteo. I just want to enjoy the good days we will
spend being together. It will be a kind of general test to our eventual
life together, but do we really need a general test?

What a mess! I think that after the vacation I will talk to Mateo about
the problem. After all he is the one I trust more than anybody else.
Why? Because he really loves me, and he would not advise me to do
something that will make me feel ill at ease or create problems.

-----------------------------

CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 9

-----------------------------

In my home page I've put some more of my stories. If someone wants to
read them, the URL is

http://andrejkoymasky.com

If you want to send me feed-back, or desire to help revising my English
translations, so that I can put on-line more of my  stories in English
please e-mail at

andrej@andrejkoymasky.com

---------------------------