Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2003 21:34:59 -0600
From: Laskofoley@yahoo.com
Subject: Life Without Another Chapter 2

Due to the amount of emails and support that I got for the first chapter,
I decided to go ahead and take a wild type at Chapter Two. I don't really
know what the response on this one will be... But, I hope the story still
compels all of you to continue reading it.
			Laskofoley@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: If you are under the age of 18, please leave now. If you are
offended by male/male sexual relations, then please, walk out of the door
and don't let it hit your ass on the way out...and then jump onto the
bandwagon. It's now 2003.

Any Character names that coincide with a real person's name are completely
coincidental. Personalities are established off of people that I know, and
therefore, oh well. Also, any songs that are used within this story are
copyright their original publishers.

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August 16, 2001

	I...don't know why I'm here or why I'm writing this down, but to
start my name is Callighan Scooter McKenzie. I'm on my way by car moving to
Texas from my ...old hometown in Pennsylvania. I'm not moving there by
choice. It's the only chance I have to...start over. I have to get away
from my old home town, there's no way that I could have stayed after all of
the troubles, the things, the...events that have happened. I'm starting to
cry on this very page, with just the thought of it, the remembrance of what
has happened in the past year. I was only a freshman in high school when
all of this happened, but why to me? I swear I'm not crazy, I swear... I
didn't mean for the things that I did to happen, and I... oh my god, I
can't stand the thoughts. They...they hurt. The thoughts of the past drill
into my mind like a drill into a wall... I ...swear...I swear that I'm
not...crazy...I...didn't mean to...mean to k...ki...hurt that b...boy...but
he deserved it! I ...I cannot write anymore, but I'll write the story in
this journal the whole way to Texas... and before school starts... you'll
know the story before the last page of this. The reason why I'm moving. To
whoever reads this, I'm sorry that you know this, and I'm sorry that this
page is so tearstained. I'm going to sleep.



August 17, 2001

	We have made good distance, but this is not a documentary of my
trip... it's the story of the year past.

	I can remember it like it was yesterday, feel it like it was today,
and wish for it like it was tomorrow. It was the first day of eighth grade,
and I was at the top of the school. I was a prep, a complete conformist,
perfect. Mr. Class President, the soccer captain, and everything else. I
could service any girl whenever they wanted, wherever, whenever. In my car
was a favorite spot, in the school bathroom, on a teacher's desk, I had it
made, and I was only 14, every girl wanted to be fucked by me, and I fucked
most of them. But, I used protection; some of those bitches back there were
nasty. I had every teacher wrapped under my finger; the principal was my
personal bitch. The coaches all did what I wanted to do, the students
worshipped me like a god. I could walk into the cafeteria; say "drop" and
everyone would get onto the ground, all but those fucking gothic kids who
acted like THEY owned ME. Ha, those kids couldn't get head from a
cheerleader if they tried. Everyone hated them, those fucking freaks, and
we all had a good reason to. They were all sadistic or masochistic losers
who got off on pain.

	Except, one of my soccer buddies and I, well, I also liked to have
sex with him.  He was so tight, and if felt good around my dick as I shoved
it in. It was such a turn on for me, that I had sex with him every chance
possible. Before practice, after practice, it didn't really matter, I loved
him, or did I love the sex? It didn't matter; I also let him fuck me
sometimes, with his big cock. We did it all over my room, in every place
possible, then my bathroom. I loved him with all of my life. We did
everything together too, and it helped a lot that we were on the same
team. We got to travel with each other to games, and we usually roomed
along with each other the night before the game or after the game if it was
far away. I really enjoyed those times and I wish I was still there to
experience it even more. I'm going to eat now; I have to think about this.



August 17, 2001

	Aleksy Paris Johansen was his name. The name that resides on the
gravestone.  The name that makes me want to bawl every time I hear it. The
boy that I loved is dead.  Murdered.

	It really was interesting how all of this started... and tragic how
all of it ended...

       (one day after practice.)

	"Hey, Callighan... my parents aren't going to be home until
probably tomorrow, and they don't want me staying home alone, but they
don't want me to go anywhere either...do you think you could stay at my
house?  You're the only person that I'd really want hanging out, I know you
wouldn't trash anything." God, the request was so innocent. I remember
exactly how he said it. He said it as if he was looking for his parents in
the mall after being lost for a good few hours. Those eyes were so
innocent.  Soft to the look and wanted to make you melt.

	I guess I should describe Aleksy in this, so I can remember him. He
was probably around 6'1"...really soft upper body muscles, but very tight
legs, black hair, and icy gray eyes with tinges of blue all throughout. He
had this puppy dog eye set in his cheeks all the time, and I could just
never say no to him. God I miss looking into those eyes for hours upon
hours at a time. Gazing into his soul as my hands glided over his body.

	So I did what any intelligent, nice, kind, caring, popular, preppy
soccer playing kid would do. I walked him to my house, asked my parents,
got a bag of stuff to take with me, and then walked the two miles to his
house. On the way, it was really fun; we said so many things, made fun of
people at school, everything that two popular friends do. The conversation
got stale at times, but, as with any conversation, that happens.

      "Callighan, I have a question...if I may ask it, that is." When he
asked this, I was hoping he was going to say something along the lines of
"Will you take me into my room, slowly strip me down, tease my nipples,
suck my earlobes, and then go down on me?" Of course, that was wishful
thinking.

      "Sure Buddy, ask away."

      "How many girls have you had sex with, and where?" God, the thought
of me on top of him, with his legs spread wide open, and me inside of him,
I almost shot right there, just hearing him say that.

      "Well, if you really must know, I've had sex with probably 15. Oral
sex probably 10 more. I've done it all over the place, in a river bed, on a
teacher's desk, in the bathroom, on my bed, on my roof, wherever I want to
have sex, I do." You know, I actually got a feeling of remorse when I said
this. I really wish that I wouldn't have done this, but I had to keep my
image up, I didn't want anybody to really know I was a fag, now did I?
"What about you Aleksy, I bet you rake in the girls, with your body, looks
and personality." Did I just hit on him? After I said that, I also then
felt remorseful, because I didn't know if he would have caught on, it was
pretty cryptic, but, he was really smart, maybe I would get lucky.

      "There was this one girl, well, she was at a party, and she was
really drunk, and we went upstairs, and we started to make out, she took
off her clothes, I took off of mine...well..." What was the kid getting at
when he said this?

      "Well what?"

      "She sucked me, but we never had sex more than that, I blew in her
mouth, and she got pissed off and ran out." Damn child, I felt even more
remorse now. I'd been the huge slut, and he only had had a blowjob in his
entire life. I wanted to show him love right there, I wanted to grab onto
his sides, pull him into a deep sensual kiss, and lock my lips on his. But
Aleksy wasn't like that, he was straight. When I looked over at him, he had
this sullen look like he was going to start crying, and he stopped walking.

      "Aleksy...what's the matter? Why did you stop walking? Why so glum?"
This was really odd, he was usually so happy and perky, this
wasn't...normal.



August 18, 2001

	The rest of the walk to his house that day was really quiet...it
took him minutes to answer my question; he just stood there, and thought
about it, until I put an arm around his shoulder and forced him into
walking. We had to stop after a moment, because he wanted to, he wanted to
just look around, make sure his soul was still inside of his body.  His
response was curt.

	"Nothing is really the matter, well, there is something, but I'll
explain it later." I felt bad for him, Just, deep down, as if something
terribly wrong was brewing.

	About fifteen minutes later we were walking into is front door. He
had a pretty nice house, which was kept clean. I even had to remove my flip
flops at the door that I decided to wear to walk over there. I'd been here
before, but he gave me the tour each time, it was one of those things that
I found daft and stupid, but really cute. We ended up playing Mario Party
on the Nintendo64 for a while, and he beat me each time, the curse of
having a Playstation. It was getting late, so we call-ordered a pizza for
delivery and we went half on it each.

	While we waited for the pizza to arrive, we sat down and chose a
DVD to watch.  We chose Armageddon, because I hadn't seen it in a while,
and I thought it was a pretty kick ass movie. When we chose the movie, and
got a pallet on the ground, we began to wrestle.

	It was him who attacked first. He jumped on top of me, wrapped his
arms around me, and then tried to put me into a headlock. I grabbed his
waist and then tried to push my head into his chest, knocking him
backwards, laying him down on his back. The way we landed was interesting,
he had his legs in the air, and my crotch was rubbing right against his
ass. I started to move my hips a little bit, sensually, and then leaned
down to kiss him, with blind hope---

	*ding-dong* Dammit, the pizza man was there, and obviously with my
hard on I didn't want to go answer the door, so I gave Aleksy the money,
and just laid there, thinking about what I was so close to doing just a
minute ago. When Aleksy came back he put the pizza in the oven, after
getting a questioning look from me, and then walked back into the room. He
got on his knees by me, leaned down, and kissed me lightly on the lips.

	"Now, back to what we were going to do before that hot pizza boy
interrupted us." This took me for a huge surprise. I didn't think Aleksy
was gay, in fact, a few minutes before; I would have made a bet that he was
straight. "I suspected you were gay since day one of practice, and now, my
luscious desires are going to become true."

	"What do you mean `hot' pizza boy, before we get any of this
started?"

	"Well, Callighan, you only asked me about girls that I've had sex
with before, that pizza guy used to be a really good fuck buddy for me, but
with you, I'm in love, I want to make love to you, not just fuck you, and I
want you to make love to me." When he said that, I pulled him down on top
of me and kissed him long and hard. It was one of those kisses that
confirmed loves, initiated sex, and resolved fights. We held each other
there, and rolled around while just kissing like that; then the hands
started sliding across each other's body. We rolled around for at least
half an hour entangled, bodies and lips.  We decided, silently, with our
souls speaking and our bodies playing, that we should take this up to his
room, so we got up, and walked up the stairs into his room, hands on each
other the whole time, me, walking behind him, sucking on the nape of his
neck.

	From what I could tell then, it was going to be a very fun night.

	Aleksy went to his CD player and put a CD in, and whispered
"Callighan, I used to listen to this CD when I thought about you, I want
you to understand some of the lyrics. The first song was a punk cover of a
Mandy Moore song..."Crush". As it started to play, I started to whimper
just a little bit. He then walked over and began to softly caress my body.

You know everything that I'm afraid of You do everything I wish I did
Everybody wants you, everybody loves you

	I backed up and sat down on his bed while I kissed him; he was
standing over me, kissing me extremely deeply and rubbing his palms into my
sides.

I know I should tell you how I feel I wish everyone would disappear Every
time you call me, I'm too scared to be me And I'm too shy to say

      "Callighan McKenzie, I love you, I love you more than my life
itself. I would do anything for your sake." I remember I smiled while
kissing him, which made it even sexier.

Ooh, I've got a crush on you I hope you feel the way that I do I get a rush
When I'm with you Ooh, I've got a crush on you A crush on you

      When the chorus came on, he pulled me up and started dancing with me,
not a waltz, or tango anything, just moving our bodies together as one,
letting our movements and fingertips speak the words for us that our hearts
were so afraid to say.

You know, I'm the one that you can talk to And sometimes you tell me thing
that I don't want to know I just want to hold you And you say exactly how
you feel about her And I wonder, could you ever think of me that way

      "And I wonder, could you ever think of me that way?" He whispered
this in my ear as we stopped dancing and just stood there, rocking back and
forth.

      "Yes, I can and I do." I remember he began to softly cry during this,
as if nobody had ever shown him or expressed towards him true love.

Ooh, I've got a crush on you I hope you feel the way that I do I get a rush
When I'm with you Ooh, I've got a crush on you A crush on you

      The only way I can recall this moment is saying that it was perfectly
fit inside of a high school type movie, at the Homecoming dance, when the
cameras are spinning around the lovers, panning all features of their body,
the good, the bad, the horrendous, the beautiful, everything, all in such a
little time.

Ooh, I wish I could tell somebody But there's no one to talk to, nobody
knows I've got a crush on you A crush on you, I got a crush

      I put my head on his shoulder and just kissed his neck. I remember it
exactly, it's making me cry, and I wish I could still be there to
experience this love over and over until my end. Why did I deserve what
happened? I'm...not insane.

You say everything that no one says But I feel everything that you're
afraid to feel I will always want you; I will always love you I've got a
crush...

      This was the defining moment of all moments in my life. I put my hand
on the back of Aleksy's head and he put his on mine, we slowly inched our
heads forward for our true kiss, the kiss of when we knew each other's
emotions, thoughts, feelings, pain, everything, packed into one little
kiss. We both cried a lot during that kiss, we didn't even get to pay
attention to the next song, we were both crying so hard and listening to
each other's soul. Our true love had been discovered by more than just me,
but by the person that I really felt the love towards too. We slowly lay
down on his bed, with him on top, and kept kissing, when we broke it, he
laid there on top of me, hugging my chest, and whispering "I love you" over
and over again. When the next so--- I am going to go to bed now, it's too
late in the night to get completely involved in writing this now, I will
write in this journal again tomorrow.



August 19, 2001

	I didn't mean to do it, I really didn't mean to...

	The next song that was on the CD that we heard as we were lying on
his bed was titled "Forever"...So many things, thoughts, whatever the
things in my head should be called. I didn't mean to.

I'm all alone in bed, and I can't sleep, I'm feeling blue.  I try to close
my eyes, but all I'm thinking off is You!  Baby only you!
      As this started playing, Aleksy was removing my shirt, and me his. He
slowly kissed down my body and stopped at my chest. He moved over to my
right nipple and slowly began to service it with his tongue, getting it
hard inside of his mouth. I moaned slightly when he flicked his tongue ever
so delicately across my flesh. He moved to my left nipple and began to do
the same to it, but also was massaging my stomach with his hand, he was
teasing me...I had to have more.  I cry my eyes out, baby.  Wondering what
I have to do.  I look inside my heart.  And I know for sure this love is
true!
	He was now moving down my chest, licking his lay down and leaving a
steady film of saliva on my body. When he got to my belly button, he
stopped, and massaged it with his tongue. It was as if, for that brief
moment in time, that my mouth had moved to my belly button and he was
making out with it. This put me in pure ecstasy, and I could not even try
to hide my hard on if I tried. He was kissing my belly button, nibbling on
the skin, and rubbing his hands on my sides.  Day by day, heart to heart,
I'll hope that a river ever be, together Will it be, me and you?  I dream
that our love will last, forever.  Hold me tight, in your arms.  I know we
have the straight to stay together.  Walk with me, hand in hand, I promise
to be there, forever
	When Aleksy was about to move down further, he pulled my shorts
down and looked up at me with this pure innocent gaze. He removed my shorts
completely, leaving me in just my white Tommy boxer briefs, which were
tented with my 7.5" cock. He began to lick my cock through my boxer and
moan when he thought about playing with my uncut penis. I kept on moaning
for him to play with it I'm all alone in bed, and I can't sleep, I'm
feeling blue.  I try to close my eyes, but all I'm thinking off is you,
Baby only you
	When he finally slid my boxer briefs off of my body, he gasped in
delight. As he was removing them, my uncut cock rolled across his face;
leaving a small slash of pre- cum on his face. I lifted my head just enough
to look at him, look into his eyes as he looked up for my okay, and looked
into those eyes as he started going down on me. It looked so innocent, yet
so sexual, like he had been craving my cock for a really long time. It
was...so sexual, and it felt so good, and he started to bob up and down on
my cock, giving me the greatest blowjob anybody could.  Day by day, heart
to heart, I'll hope that a river ever be, together.  Will it be, me and
you?  I dream that our love will last, forever.  Hold me tight, in your
arms.  I know we have the straight to stay together.  Walk with me, hand in
hand, I promise to be there, forever
	He was such a pro at this. He was bobbing up and down, so hard,
slashing his tongue on the inside of my foreskin. Rolling the tongue around
the head of my cock, and twisting his head with each stroke, it felt better
than any of the girls that had ever done this to me. After a few minutes,
he added his teeth to this softly, and I put my hand on top of his head,
and then started to massage his head, running my hands through his hair...
which just encouraged him even more. This encouraged him to grip his hand
around the base of my cock and stick all of it into his throat. He put my
whole fucking cock into his mouth, something nobody had ever been able to
do.  Forever Forever Forever Forever
	After a few more minutes of this, I was reaching my climax. My body
started to get hotter, a feeling of friction spread throughout my body, it
felt warm, and good.  "Nnnghh...Aleksy, c—c...cu...cum...ming..." A few
seconds later my climax was hit, my back arched, and spurt after spurt of
hot creamy white cum started to shoot into his throat, and he sucked it all
down, with the exception of just a little. After a few seconds of him
letting me get soft in his mouth, he moved up and kissed me on the lips. I
could feel the wetness and warmth of my juice on his lips, and then he
opened his mouth, and we made out with my juices for a little bit, that is,
until I felt his cock poking me in my leg. God, did he have plans for that.

      God, I miss him. I miss him so much. I don't miss the sex that much;
I really really just miss...him. I'm so sorry Aleksy. I really am. I have
to go, for now. I will write more later today.



August 19, 2001

	He was the first and only guy that I've ever had sex with. I
remember every detail, everything we did, everything we said, just
everything that went on between us. So much love bottled up within the
hearts of two teenage boys. So many hidden emotions, so much time spent
worrying.

	We were making out after the blowjob he gave me, and the CD was
still playing, but we weren't listening, we were listening to our old souls
speak to each other, mingle, love, so many things were shared that night.

	Even my virginity.

	I remember the next song I heard, only because I had removed
Aleksy's clothing, and I was trying to coo him into fucking me, letting me
show how much I love him. I loved him because he made me his bitch. He
fucked me and I loved him for it.

"O Fortuna velut Luna" "O Fortune like the Moon"

	Aleksy then rolled over, and let me take charge, he became my
little toy, and I wanted to make him squirm like nobody had before, none of
those stupid bitches that I had fucked in the past, I found my soul mate,
my inner being had fallen in love.

Turn around and smell what you don't see Close your eyes ... it is so clear
Here's the mirror, behind there is a screen On both ways you can get in

	I had gotten Aleksy naked, and had given him a blowjob just to get
his cock wet, and I moved back up to his face and kissed his cheek. He had
this sullen look on his face like he wasn't getting pleased and I licked
his ear. "Fuck me." I whispered. He looked at me, and rolled me over onto
my back. He then mounted me, and whispered "This is going to hurt, but it
will feel good after a minute or so."

Don't think twice before you listen to your heart Follow the trace for a
new start

	He then pushed in just a little. The pain was excruciating. I
wanted to cry so badly, but all I could do was moan. I wanted to scream
that he was killing me on the inside, but all that I could do was scream in
pangs of ecstasy. He then pushed in a bit harder and I wanted to shout for
God to come and kill me to spare me of the pain, but all I could do was
mutter in excitement. When he pushed all the way to the hilt, and broke my
cherry, I wanted to push my fingernails into his back and hurt him for
hurting me, but all I could do was grip his back, scream, and moan, all at
once.

What you need and everything you'll feel Is just a question of the deal In
the eye of storm you'll see a lonely dove The experience of survival is the
key To the gravity of love

      I couldn't believe these feelings I was getting, the love, the sex,
the happiness, the anger, the pain. All of it was mixing inside of my head,
and causing me to scream. What I thought was screams of anger and hurt came
out as screams of extreme excitement and sudden erotica by being fucked by
my lover, who I found out, has a 6 inch cock, that night. I loved this all,
I loved being kissed as he pulled out and then shoved in again, I loved how
he grabbed my shoulders and bit my neck as he rammed it all the way in
again. The feelings I were getting at once caused me to scream his name at
the top of my lungs. He got even more turned on by this, and just fucked me
even harder.

"O Fortuna velut Luna" "O Fortune like the Moon"

      Aleksy understood my pain, and made it gentle, yet at the same time,
he made it hard, with every thrust of his hips, the feelings got stronger
and stronger. I had gotten hard again by this time, and was close to
orgasming again. Aleksy knew how to fuck me by now and made sure it was
exciting for me. I couldn't tell him how much I loved him at that point,
and the pain had subsided, now all I had was the sexy feeling of the
friction of his cock being shoved in and out of my ass.

[Whispers] [Woman :] The path of excess leads to The tower of Wisdom

	This feeling...it made me complete. I loved it, and I loved him, I
loved everything then. I reached my hand behind his head and pulled him in
for a deep kiss as our bodies moved as one, and we kissed as he pushed
deeper into me. Every time he did this, I felt the excitement of a little
kid on Christmas morning, just waiting to open up those presents. Then I
felt the excitement of opening those gifts, but the feeling never subsided.
It stuck onto me no matter what I did. Why was I thinking about this in the
middle of my sex with Aleksy?

[Man :] The path of excess leads to The tower of Wisdom

	He then thrust his hips in even faster and harder, and I could tell
he was reaching climax, but at the same time, I started to get that
feeling. As he thrust in and shouted my name, I shouted his and hugged
him. We had just shared the most intimate of feelings, the one thing that
proves love when it is shared. We had just had an orgasm with each other,
both at the same time. After this he collapsed on top of me.

[Whispers] Try to think about it ...  That's the chance to live your life
and discover What it is, what's the gravity of love

	He laid there on my chest and kissed it, not moving, the only thing
he was doing was breathing and hugging my torso tightly, that was all I
wanted and all that I really needed. I needed the love to be shown, not
just acted on.

"O Fortuna velut Luna" "O Fortune like the Moon"

	Still as a star to the human eye, Aleksy remained on chest, and
hugged me even tighter with every passing moment.

Look around just people, can you hear their voice Find the one who'll guide
you to the limits of your choice But if you're in the eye of storm Just
think of the lonely dove The experience of survival is the key To the
gravity of love.

	During the last lines of the song, Aleksy moved up and kissed me on
the mouth, I don't know how he did it, but it felt like somebody just
hooked a battery of love and life up to my body for the first time, and
locked it there. I felt as if I was no longer Callighan McKenzie, the
asshole prep, I now felt like Callighan McKenzie, the gay teenager in love
with his best friend. All my time was frozen motion, and all I could do was
kiss him back and return the electric charge.

"O Fortuna velut Luna" "O Fortune like the Moon"

	I'm going to sleep now before I write any more. I'm starting to
bawl, and I want to calm down before I write anymore into my journal.



August 21, 2001

	Heaven knows its sweet surrender. That must be Aleksy, God rest his
soul wherever he may be. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect him that night,
the...night of his...murder...God I am so sorry Aleksy, I hope that you
forgive me.

	It was homecoming night. A few months after our...first. We had
decided to go the dance with some friends, and people had already started
to suspect us, so when we started dancing together, it only made it
worse. During the dance even our good friends were muttering "fag" and
things like that, they also were freaking out that their soccer captain was
gay. Well, we survived the dance, and everyone was leaving, and we were
going to walk back to my house, since we were at the high school dance and
it was only a mile long walk. We were probably the last two people to leave
the dance.

	That was the worst mistake I had made in my natural born
life. Waiting in the high school parking lot was a group of football
players and other various people that generally hate "fags." Four of them
approached Aleksy and me and two grabbed each of us, and then put us in the
back of the truck. We were held down in the back for what felt like
forever, but in reality was probably only ten or fifteen minutes. When the
truck stopped everyone got out and then we were ripped out of the back, to
meet many flashlights shining on us, with uncountable eyes behind the
shadows.

	One of them stepped forward with a bat. "You know what we do with
fags, right?  We kill them, they are a fucking disgrace to society, and
they should be exterminated." I don't know who was more scared then, Aleksy
or me. The kid with the bat, who I figured out was named Jacob, reached the
bat high into the air and then hit the side of Aleksy's head as if it were
a baseball bat that was to be played with. Aleksy's head turned to the side
and he spit blood all over me, and then fell to the ground. He hadn't been
knocked unconscious, and he muttered "Callighan, I love you."

	"You're going to watch your little fag of a fuck buddy die, and
then you will be murdered. Disgrace to society." Another boy then stepped
forward and broke a beer bottle on Aleksy's head. With the broken bottle,
he then slashed Aleksy's chest and then stabbed him in the side with it.

	"Callighan, before I die, I want to tell you that I love you, more
than anything."  That was the last thing I heard him say, because he was
hit in the head with the bat again, and again, and again. Jacob was going
crazy on Aleksy's body, and I was crying so hard everything was a blur by
this time. I heard Aleksy release one last blood curdling scream and then I
saw the outline of his body go limp. Jacob didn't stop beating on him
though, and he kept on shouting things like "fag" throughout the process of
tearing the one that I loved out of my life.

	I remember how time froze for me at that moment. Everything was
frozen and I was the only thing that could think or move. The one person
that I had ever really loved had just been murdered before my very own
eyes. Beaten to death with a bat, his last words were the complete
confession to everyone of his undying love for me. This couldn't be
happening; it was impossible. My heart was torn out of my chest at this
point, and I was about to black out from the scent of blood and the outline
of Aleksy's broken beaten dead body.

	That's when the bat struck my face. It hit me pretty hard, and
since I was already about to pass out from the scent of blood on me and
around me, I blacked out. I must have laid there trapped within my own mind
for hours.

	Was I in a coma? Was I going to survive? Would I ever wake up, or
had I already died? Was this my escape from the beating that I was
receiving? Could I have found Aleksy there?

	All of those questions and more went through my head in the time
after I was knocked unconscious. I was shut in a black abyss with what
seemed a spotlight pointed at me. I was broken, like a shattered mirror
spread all over. I threw up while sitting in my dementia wondering about
all of this. Maybe this was death. No heaven, no hell. You were just
trapped inside of your mind forever, to ponder what had happened.

	The days that must have passed, sitting alone in my head.

	"Callighan, I hope you will forgive me." I turned around to see
Aleksy standing there. Was he real, and in my mind also? Had he been
searching for me in this black abyss?

	"Forgive you for what? You did nothing Aleksy, and I loved you, and
I always will, somewhere in my heart, if it's still beating somewhere out
there." I wasn't even sure that this was real. I had come to the conclusion
that I was dead and that nothing was going to save me now.

	"I'm sorry for giving up, Callighan, I'm sorry I wanted to be the
last people that left. I'm sorry about everything that happened. It's my
entire fault that I'm dead. I should have done something to stop it. You?
You aren't dead...yet. The choice is yours mainly; you just have to come at
ease with what happened. Cry if you must, but, it's your choice to live or
not right now." With that, he, or what I thought was he, walked up to me
and hugged me. He hugged me for the longest time, and put his head on my
shoulder, then proceeded to weep.

	After what should have lasted forever, he turned around and began
to run, like something was chasing him down. "I will never forget you,
please never forget me, my love."

	"Aleksy!! ALEKSY!! COME BACK ALEKSY I NEED YOU TO LIVE!! I NEED YOU
TO BE HERE WITH ME!! I HAVE SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO EXPERIENCE WITH YOU!!
ALE...K...s...y..." There was no response. Only a feeling that he was still
with me somehow, somewhere out there watching over me.

	I sat there for more days in my black abyss; the tears never
stopped flowing down my face. I realized that I was alone. But most of all,
I would always love him.

	Next thing I remembered I opened my eyes, and wiped the blood out
of them. The truck was only now pulling off, so I must have had traveled to
another plane within my mind. I was hoping I was only having a bad dream,
but when the blood cleared from my eyes, I saw Aleksy lying there, with a
flashlight dropped on the ground to give me light.  He was so badly broken
and torn up; I probably would not have known it was him. I just picked up
his body and put my head into the nape of his neck and began to pour my
tears out.

	"Aleksy, I'm so sorry, I should be the one dead, not you. This
shouldn't have happened to you. You didn't deserve it, you were so perfect,
so beautiful, and nothing should have ever taken you away from me except
for...God himself." I felt so much hatred towards "God" after this. I said
it with such hatred and spite in my voice for allowing this to happen. I
wanted nothing to do with religion if he would kill the only person that I
have ever loved because he thought it would be fun to watch somebody die.
What a fucking excuse. In my mind, God could fuck off.

	I cried over his body for the greater amount of hours. I could hear
sirens off in the distance, but nothing close to us. Aleksy's body was
getting cold now, and his tan skin was turning a light blue. I wore most of
his blood on my clothing, from sitting there and rocking his body back and
forth, trying to comfort something that couldn't even love me anymore. I
fucking hated God and everybody that did this to me. I wanted to find the
bat and smite myself with it, just so I could be with Aleksy.

	The stab wounds on his sides were just about the worst. They bled
non stop, even though I'm sure it was the brain trauma that had killed
him. In this time, I didn't care what had happened to me, what physical
pain and deception I had taken in. I had bruises all over my body, probably
a few broken ribs. They didn't hurt me as bad as I thought. I thought they
would kill me, but decided to kill me emotionally instead.

	I could see lights of police cars and hear a helicopter
overhead. Were they looking for us? Did they want to find us and help us?
It wouldn't be of any fucking help now. My friend, my boyfriend, my lover,
was cradled in my arms dead. All I could do through my tears was lean my
head back and scream. Scream so loud and so shrill that it would have torn
the eardrums off of anything living. I screamed at God for letting this
happen. I was so empty on the inside now. The thought of God made me cringe
and just scream even louder. I wanted to shatter his "Heaven" and send it
straight to "Hell," which is where he belonged. Any killer of man belongs
in Hell. Any killer who kills in cold blood belongs in Hell. I wanted this
God to go there too. He let those boys kill part of my heart. He let them
tear my soul into pieces, and then have the audacity to spit on them.

	I couldn't scream any longer, so I just started to cry on Aleksy's
now ice cold body. The flashlight started to flicker, and the last thing
that I saw before I was left in darkness holding the body of Aleksy in the
middle of this field was god, was Aleksy's broken body.

	I sat in the darkness for hours, crying, going in and out of sleep,
going into fits of hysteria.

	When the sun had started to rise from the horizon, rigor mortis had
set in on the lifeless body between my arms. It was now stiff, and every
now and then, it would shake.  Based on the setting of the sun, around ten
AM, we were found by the police. I couldn't even understand anything the
police officer was saying, all I understood was the thoughts in my head. He
called for an ambulance, since one showed up about 10 minutes later.  They
put Aleksy in a bag, and I tried to reach for him, and I kissed his cheek
one last time. It was the separation of two souls. Something worth the
murder of God. I had abandoned all hope in his bullshit.

	I woke up in a hospital bed, and that was the next thing I
remembered. I had wraps around my chest and a cast on one of my arms. It
seemed that I didn't sustain as badly as I thought, I was just so...burned
by the death of Aleksy that I didn't hear anything else going on.

	That's the death of my lover, my best friend, my boyfriend, Aleksy
Paris Johansen.



August 23 2001

	His funeral was even worse on my mind than anything else. It was
the final goodbye. The pastor did his eulogy of Aleksy, and then I was
asked to speak, because I was his best friend.

	When I stumbled up to the podium and gazed out into the audience, I
saw people I never expected to come. The church must have had 500 people in
it. There was barely enough room for everyone to sit.

	"Aleksy...Aleksy and I weren't friends. We were soul mates. We gave
our all for each other, helped each other with everything, and solved our
problems with each other.  Aleksy is dead today because he was a homosexual
teenager in America. What really couldn't be helped in today's society was
this murder. Nobody wants to stick up for anybody but themselves
anymore. Aleksy was a tender hearted young man. He beamed happiness
everywhere he went and never left anyone unhappy. He made my life so much
better, and made sure our soccer team was cheerful even after a
loss. Aleksy brought a lot of happiness to those around him, and we are all
thankful for that. That's why, I promised to let his final goodbye be a big
one, and to impact people to change." I was crying too hard at this
point. "Aleksy loved all of you, and all he ever got was bitter hatred from
most of you because he was `different' or `abnormal.' What about some of
you? You all have flaws, he had one too, but he was murdered because of
it?" I was spouting out tears by this point, and could not finish my
speech. I got an ovation from most of the people, which isn't a normal
thing, but I must have impacted on them pretty well.

	I stood in front of the casket as they started to play the song
that Aleksy and I were in love with. It displayed everything that I thought
and felt at that time. All the anger, the sorrow, the pain of losing
him. But at the same time, it gave me hope that he would be watching me
forever, as my guardian. It didn't stop my hatred of God though.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance for a break that would
make it okay there's always one reason to feel not good enough and it's
hard at the end of the day I need some distraction oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll
find some peace tonight

	People got up and started to approach the casket, to lay things
from their lives with Aleksy they wanted buried with him to remember
forever. He was so lucky to have all of these friends, family, and
neighbors. People that supported him throughout his life, and would even
support him in death. Everyone came up, kissed their hand, and touched the
casket, while whispering several things. Aleksy would truly be missed.

	During this time I stood in front of the casket and cried. I stared
at it as if it were my death too. I cried for Aleksy, for me, for everyone
here.

in the arms of an angel fly away from here from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage of your
silent reverie you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort
there

	The line was gradually getting smaller, and his parents were
standing at the head of the casket, both crying about as hard as I. They
would miss their son, forever. I would miss him and remember him
forever. People were giving him things that they received from him, such as
cards, rings, notes, everything. One of the men, who looked to be homeless,
came up to the casket and put a violin next to it. Aleksy was rich and
wanted to help poorer people during his lifetime, and obviously this man
appreciated the gift he had received.

	I cried even harder, realizing that soon this vessel would be
buried six feet underground with Aleksy inside.

so tired of the straight line and everywhere you turn there's vultures and
thieves at your back and the storm keeps on twisting you keep on building
the lie that you make up for all that you lack it don't make no difference
escaping one last time it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh this
glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

	The line was almost completely empty now, and all that was left was
people from school. They were all giving him memories. Jerseys, everything
that would forever remind him of the friends that he had while in High
School. People had loved Aleksy no matter what he was, and they all wanted
to show it. They wanted to return the love that he had given him throughout
his short life before God let people smite him down.

	Aleksy had a thing with giving, he always gave, never wanted to
receive material things, he wanted to help people and better the world. He
had dreams of stopping world hunger, and stopping people from being
homeless, and stopping war. Aleksy was the best person anybody could ever
ask to know, and here he lay in a wooden box because some high school
student didn't like what he was.

	I was beginning to cry so hard I got on one knee and put my head
against the casket. I was hoping that somehow my thoughts would go through,
get to him, and be taken forever with him. I wanted my love to be taken
with Aleksy to the grave, but I kept feeling a sense that I was supposed to
keep it. I cried and shook on that casket, and Aleksy understood.

in the arms of an angel fly away from here from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage of your
silent reverie you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort
there you're in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here

	The line of people had now ended, and I was left with my parents
sitting in the front pew watching me, and his parents sitting next to
mine. I was the only person left with the casket. His parents and mine had
known after about two weeks of Aleksy and I dating that we were, and they
were all okay with it. I just sat there on my knees with my head against
the casket of my now dead love, wishing that he would be back.

	Feeling empty... feeling sorrow... feeling, everything, without a
bit of hope, only bitter pain and grief. But all of a sudden, I felt as if
I wasn't alone with the casket, I felt as if somebody was standing over me,
massaging my shoulder with their hand. The touch was warm and had a lot of
love in it, and I knew it was Aleksy. I only cried harder at this point. He
was telling me how okay it was, how he would be with me forever, and how he
knew why he died. He was there to comfort me, telling me that no matter
what happened he would protect me.

	I took one of the rings he gave me, opened the casket, and put it
on his finger. "To my eternal love, who will forever be in my heart, until
I die." I swear, he was smiling when I closed the casket again. I get back
on my knees and touched the side of the casket with my hand, and said
"Goodbye Aleksy."

	His parents and mine both walked up to me, and put a hand of
support on my back, and the pallbearers walked in. I was one of them, so I
joined them in carrying the casket to the hearse and then got in the
respectable vehicles.

	When we got to the cemetery, there was a beautiful display set up,
and when we removed the casket, I almost felt good that I was helping to
send off Aleksy to wherever he was going. They lowered the casket, and I
kept whispering "I love you."

	I leaned down and touched the headstone. It read "Aleksy Paris
Johansen...  Beloved Son, Boyfriend, and Friend." Then it had the dates of
his birth and death.

      The saddest day of my life happened that day.



August 25 2001

	I tried to be okay with it. After six months, Jacob admitted he
killed Aleksy and took a gun to his head. The summer was okay, but dad got
a job transfer and we were going to move to Texas.

	I promised to keep in touch with the Johansens as they were like my
secondary family. I promised to write or email all of my friends back home
and make sure that they knew what was going on in my life. That, now, is
why I am writing this, to tell someone in the future the happenings of my
life before moving to wherever I am going.

	I hope that my future brings me love like that of which I
had. Aleksy is still with me by my side to this day and I still love him
for it. He protects me, sticks around when I need him, and lifts me up when
I fall down.

	To whoever reads this, I am sorry if it saddened you. It is just
what happened in my life, Callighan Scooter McKenzie. The life before I
moved to Texas, the life with the one person other than my parents that I
could say truly loved me.

						Signed,
						Callighan McKenzie


So, there was chapter two, I'm so sorry. I know this was probably really
hard for a lot of you to read, but I had to explain Callighan's story.

Please keep the feedback coming, laskofoley@yahoo.com positive or negative.

Should I write Chapter Three?