Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999 22:32:41 -0800 From: Blue Light <cknutson@telisphere.com> Subject: Love-Just-In-Time Disclaimer: You shouldn't be reading this if you are under 18 (yeah, like you're gonna stop), the thought of guys in love disgusts you, blah blah blah. This is my first real attempt at writing a gay love story, so pardon if it's a little rough. All errors are intentional. There really isn't any sex in this part, later parts will probably include some. If you want to email me, I'd love to hear from you. Email me at cknutson@telisphere.com Flames ignored, compliments, suggestions, etc very welcome. The next part will come along when I get the time. It also won't be as depressing as this one. (C) 1999 Someone Somewhere Love Just in Time Part 1 Chapter 1 <sigh> Another day. As I look at myself in the mirror I realize this couldn't go on much longer. Sure, I look good. Standing at 5'10", with light brown hair and blue eyes, along with a thin but toned build, finding someone for a relationship shouldn't be that hard. Sure, there were girls that wanted to go out with me. The problem is, I'm gay. My name is John. I've basically known I was gay since I was 12. I came out to my mom when I was 13, and she has been my greatest supporter. She was killed the day before my 18th birthday. My life, which had never been great, was torn up beyond belief. I had never been too emotionally stable throughout my teenage years, being stuck in a homophobic high school in suburbia. Still, I made it. I never found a boyfriend throughout the years, just a few jack off and suck buddies. I was definitely not out in school for fear of getting beaten up. The day my mom died my life turned way down. I started to drink and smoke much more then ever before. I just really didn't give a shit anymore. The only thing I wanted was to find someone to love, or a door out of life. My friends have tried to help me through the pain of my mom's death, but it seems like either they can't help, or I push them away too much. None of them know that I am gay, which probably hinders them helping. The only person I really let into my life at all is Mark, probably because he is one of the cutest guys I have ever met in my entire life, and also one of the nicest. He stands 5'7", long blond hair, blue eyes, slightly larger than average build, superb bubble butt to die for, and an aurora around him that makes me so want to be with him. He is 17 and a junior in high school. I am a senior. We met when he was a sophomore and I saved his ass from getting beat up by some rednecks. We shared similar interests in music, cars, photography, movies, and the outdoors. He has always been sweet and kind to me, no matter what my mood or how I treat him that day. He practically lives at my house a lot of the time, since his parents are assholes. I really don't mind. I gave him his own key; he knows he's welcome at any time to just come over and crash or whatever. Mom had loved him like one of the family and never objected to Mark being around. She said he brought out the best in me. I think she was secretly hoping he and I would be together someday. Mark and I have spent a lot of time up in the mountains fishing and hiking. He was the only one that really tried to help when my mom died, since we are great friends, and he considered my mom his mom as well. I love the guy and would give my life for him. I would settle on Mark and I being a couple, but only in my wildest dreams would that ever happen it seems. Lately I have become more and more detached from even Mark, though he always still remains there for me. He is often the reason I find myself in bed after getting totally plastered instead of passed out over my computer or waking up cold and wet in the morning on the 3rd floor landing. I fear telling him how I feel about him since I would probably lose him too. With how I feel, I can't even bear the pain of the thought of losing Mark. I go to the kitchen and start up a pot of coffee and spark up a cigarette. Coffee, cigarettes, and alcohol had become about the only thing I enjoyed anymore, aside from seeing Mark. I ate breakfast, got in my favorite car, which was a beautiful cheery red 67 Mustang, and picked up Mark for school. Chapter 2 "John, what is with you? You have become more and more detached from reality ever since mom died. Is there anything I can do to help?" said Mark, sympathetically. Yes, you could love me and let me be with you for the rest of my life. "No, not really, I just feel like shit all the time now," said I in a depressed tone. I pull up into my parking space at school, rather fast, causing me to have to hit the brakes hard and get a dirty look from someone standing nearby. "Please, I want to help, I care about you dude" Mark says, with a tone that almost sounds like he's about to cry. "You can leave me the hell alone!!" I yell at Mark. Damn, I did it again. Will I ever learn? I slam my car door and run off to class, getting there just in time for the bell to ring. Why do I have to be so cruel to the one I care about the most dearly, the only one I really have left in my life... I listen to the teacher drone on and on and on, and then I finally catch something that really strikes a nerve. "Gay people should be rounded up and then burned at the stake," bellows Mr. Malone, the most close-minded history teacher in the world. Oh fuck was I pissed. This was it, I was so sick of listening to this asshole and not speaking out. "Why the fuck do you say that!?! Can't you deal with your own gay feelings? Have all your years of attempting to teach history not taught you anything, you close minded idiot?" I swore I yelled this for the entire school to hear. I knew I was in for it now. "What did you just say to me, Mr. Morgan?" Mr. Malone asks in a very 'you're in for it now' tone. "I said you're a close minded stupid fuck that printed out his own degree in teaching!!" I had never blown up at a teacher like this before. It felt good. "Alright, get your ass down to the principal's office right now John, I am gonna make sure you get the worse punishment ever handed down at this school!" Mr. Malone barked. "What the fuck ever you stupid mother fucking dirty cocksucking asshole inbreed of a teacher!!" I figured I might as well top it off -- I couldn't let this opportunity to be a further mouth off just pass me by now, could I? I think not. "Out, NOW!!!!!" screamed Mr. Malone. With this, I grabbed my stuff and ran out of the classroom flipping him off the whole way, and to my car. I figured they would punish me in good time. I opened my car, lit a cigarette, and pealed out of there just in time to avoid security running after me. I swore I left tire marks bigger than ever seen before at this school. My car was built, and I was pissed off. Driving along, I started to break out in tears, thinking of today's events, and events of the past few years. I realize that more than anything that I just want out, and out is the direction I will go. I peel up the driveway to my house and hit the brakes, sliding into the flowerbed and lawn. I grab my shit out of the car and head into the house, going right for the Everclear. Might as well get plastered fast. I go and grab a whole bottle of ultra-powerful sleeping pills, collapse on my bed, and just sit there and start crying so hard that the comforter on the bed was soaked. I hear the phone ring several times, and I know it is Mark, since only he knows that phone number. I don't bother to answer it. I get up, and decide this is it. I want out of life. Fuck the pills, I want to make it messy I decided to at least leave Mark a note describing some of the reasons that I want out, that I care about him, that I am sorry for treating him the way I have the last few months, and that I have never had a better friend then him. I don't bother to tell him that I am gay, he gets everything I own if I die, so he'll no doubt find something in my files, in the gifts I bought him but never gave him, or on my computer. I leave the letter near the door, so when Mark comes over again it won't take him long to figure what happened to me. I feel really bad for doing this to him. I head up to the landing on the roof, Everclear in hand. I stop by my CD player and throw on Duncan Sheik's Barely Breathing, since those lyrics are so representative of how I feel right now. I pipe it threw the upper part of the house, not very loudly this time, like I usually play it. Chapter 3. "John, where are you?" yells Mark as he walks in the door. "We need to talk!" Mark looks around, knowing that John is home, since he never goes anywhere without his 'stang. He sees the letter and proceeds to read it. "Oh no!! Please don't let this be the truth! John!!!" Mark yells out, with tears running down his face. "I gotta find him before it's too late. I don't wanna lose him without telling him how I really feel about him." Mark runs up to the landing, knowing that if anywhere John will be there. Chapter 4. I stand by the railing, looking over the edge for the cleanest (if that is possible) place to jump. I slip on the wood since it is slippery. I get pissed off at this and throw my bottle of Everclear as far as it will go, watching it shatter on the rocks going down to the beach. Is this all my life has come down to, a shattering bottle on some rocks? Have these last 18 years really been such a waste? I try to think they haven't, to find a reason not to jump, but I just can't. I wait a few more minutes to try to think of one reason, just one reason, not to jump. I so come to a blank. Mark would hate me if he ever found out I was gay, and Mark is the only thing I have left in life, and even I cannot hide it from him any longer. I get up on the ledge of the railing, and I just stand there, looking down at the ground below. I still wonder if this is the right thing to do or not. I start to cry some more. I reluctantly decide that it is. I slowly start to learn forward when all of a sudden I am pulled back onto the deck. Hard. I hit both my ass and head when I hit the deck. I feel stunned for a few seconds, and then I look up to see Mark, looking over me with both a look of fear and tears in his eyes. "What the fuck did you stop me for!" I yell at Mark. "Why the hell did you just you stupid fool!" Mark yells back at me, fighting tears that I know are about to break free. "Because I can't stand the pain anymore! I've tried so fucking hard to fight off the pain, way to much through alcohol, and it just keeps getting worse. As much as you have tried to help, it just isn't enough, epically since is something way more feeding into this!" I try to get out amongst all the tears. Mark has pulled me up to him, and I am heaving into his chest. "I know, I know, I so want to help you, but I just can't seem to get through to you." Mark says, now crying too. "What is the other thing that is feeding into this? Please tell me, I care about you so much--" "Fine, you might as well learn!" I say, practically throwing Mark off of me. "Your best friend is a faggot! A 100% homo! I've been hiding this ever since I met you, knowing that you would hate me if you ever found out!! I guess it had to come out sooner or later!" I am so out of tears by now that my eyes are on fire. "Also, get this Mark, not only am I gay, but I also love you, I have loved and wanted you ever since I met you! You have always been truly special to me, but I have never told you since I knew you would hate me, and now you probably do. I'll let you help push me off, since I am sure you probably want me dead now!" I hurt so bad from a point so deep down that I have never hurt before that I roll over onto my side into a ball and start crying even more, shaking like crazy. If there is just anyway to instantly die without moving, this would be the time I wish it would happen. Mark just sits there, crying. I expected him to get up and start kicking me or yelling at me or leaving, but he doesn't. "John... John..." I hear Mark make out, barely. "John, I don't hate you, I could never hate you. You mean so much to me." Mark says quietly. Mark moves over to me and pulls me to a somewhat sitting up position. "John, I have been tearing myself up being with you ever since I met you, for a certain reason--" And with this, Mark pulls my face up to his and kisses me full on the lips far deeper, far better, far more meaningful, than anyone has ever kissed me before. "I love you." Mark says, in the most caring voice I have ever heard. End of part 1.