Date: Tue, 30 Nov 2004 11:15:20 -0500
From: rick lemmon <blue_steele82@hotmail.com>
Subject: matt, part 4
Over the next couple of weeks, we see each other with
more and more frequency, and patterns in our relationship,
if you can call it that, begin to develop. We rarely talk
at school - but he has stopped downright avoiding me. We
only every see each other either after school at his house
before his parents get home (I'm in and out before they even
leave the office, and I've never met them) or my house at 2
in the morning after he calls my cell. If my mom's home,
we're quiet, and if she's not, we're loud and he spends the
night. We rarely talk before we fool around, and I
sometimes second-guess what we're doing as a purely sexual
thing, but I don't really think that that's true. I mean, I
get all happy and fluttery whenever I see him or think about
him, and sometimes - if I'm lucky - after the fooling around
part, we have these amazing conversations. Other times we
just lie in each other's arms and it feels so right to me.
I mean, sometimes he just doesn't talk to me at all and
bolts right after, but it's not all the time. And I'm
pretty sure that he reciprocates in emotion - at least I
hope he does. If all he wanted was sex, he wouldn't be
risking this much and messing around with a guy, and he
could probably get all the sex he wanted to from tienne, if
he wanted to. Actually, to be honest, I don't know for sure
if he isn't seeing her anymore. I still see them together
at school sometimes, but way less frequently. And yes, a
lot of people still think they're together, but then again
so did I before I knew better. I guess what really bothers
is me that we never talk about our relationship, which
sounds like a really pussy thing to do, I guess, but I just
want to know how he feels about me. I think that it scares
him to define `us', though. I stopped seeing other people.
It wasn't exactly a conscious decision, it was more like
everyone else pales in comparison to him and fails to
attract me. Basically, the world sucks when I'm not with
him and seems perfect when I am, but I don't know what he's
thinking about this at all.
Sexually, we haven't advanced any farther than blowing
each other, yet. I have had sex with guys before, and I
know he's had sex with girls, but I'm not sure if he wants
to do that with me, because it's different. I'd like to,
but I'm not fucking bringing it up. I don't want to scare
him. He's gotten a lot better at head, though. I love when
he sucks me off. And he's gotten a lot more comfortable
with what we're doing, I think. But then again, there's
always that disgusting shadow of a doubt that lingers in my
mind around anything that involves him. I'm not sure if
he's comfortable with it. I do love fooling around with
him, though. He just gets to me on ever level.
Things are getting bad, though. Well, what I mean is
that I'm torn. Part of me loves that things are secret -
they're way hotter this way. But the rest of me dies when I
can't touch him or talk to him when I see him at school, or
when I see him talking to her, or hear some of his friends
talking to him and indirectly making fun of me and my
friends. He never takes part, but he never defends me.
So anyway, right before Christmas break, this guy
Richard has a huge party. I'm a little bit nervous, because
it's the first social gathering situation that Roman and I
are going to be at together since we've started this whole
big mess, and I'm not sure how I can act around him. I
mean, I'm going to want to be hanging out with him and
talking to him and partying with him, because he's like my
best friend now, and when I think of smoking weed I think of
him (to be honest, when I think of doing a lot of things, I
think of him) and I hate that I might not be able to spend
time with him tonight. Because no one even knows that we
ever really talk, so it would be weird if we were like
suddenly all tight and shit. It won't be that bad, I guess,
because my friends will be there.
After we've been at the party a couple of hours, I'm
just making my way back from the bathroom, and I see Roman
and his friend Craig approaching me. Craig's on the
volleyball team with me, and he's a pretty decent guy. He's
the type of guy that likes to get into fights when he's
drunk, but never with people he knows. I know he doesn't
really have a problem with me, and we get along fine,
although I don't know him that well. Anyway, they come up
and talk to me.
"Hey man," Roman says. "How you doing?" It's a casual
question that Craig wouldn't notice as anything but a
greeting, but I know he really means `how you holding up?'
"Okay," I reply to him, but I look at him so that he
understands that what I mean is `I'd be better if I could
jump you right now'. And then I nod at Craig and
acknowledge him as well.
"What can I do for you boys?" I ask.
"We were wondering if we could pick a couple grams off
of you," Craig asks me.
"Actually," I tell them, "you guys have pretty good
timing. I was just thinking about rolling myself a joint
right now. Join me and I'll smoke you." This isn't a lie.
I was thinking about going to smoke. What's bullshit is the
good timing part. I've been waiting for an hour to find
Roman and ask him to come out with me.
We go downstairs and find an empty coffee table with
not a lot of people around and begin to roll. Without even
noticing it, me and Roman begin to fall into our usual
habits of rolling together (we smoke a lot). Without a
word, I begin cutting up the weed and he gets up to look for
something to make a filter with. This always takes him
exactly the amount of time it takes me to break up the weed
(I'm pretty sure that he hates doing it). Then we each take
a paper and begin rolling. Roman sucks at putting filters
in, so I put a filter into the back of mine and he twists
the end of his, each of us leaving an end open to put any
weed we may have dropped back in, and then we switch so that
I can put a filter into his joint, and I let him twist the
end of mine so that he can feel useful. At the end, we end
up with two almost identical joints, because we've kind of
evolved a similar style. And we do all of this in silence.
After we finish, Craig laughs at us.
"You guys look like you've done this together a lot,"
he says.
"Really?" Roman says, and he just looks at me and
laughs. Then we go out onto Richard's back porch and chill
on the joints and just talk. It's not a lot of weed for
either Roman or me, but I think it might be a bit much for
Craig. He gets a little high. Out of nowhere, he looks up
at us and asks:
"No seriously, though, do you guys like chill together
or what?"
"What are you talking about?" I ask him with a laugh.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
"With your like system and shit," he tries to explain.
Roman and I both just kind of look at each other and try to
laugh him off.
"Whatever, man," Roman says. "We just like smoke
together sometimes." The three of us kick it for a little
while and then part ways. I'm glad that Roman and I get a
chance to chill, even if only for a little while. And
before he walks away from me, he gives me a little squeeze
on my thigh, reassuring me.
Later in the night, I'm talking to my friend Tina (you
know, my ex-geef), and this girl Gill comes up to us. Gill
is really good friends with tienne, but friends with Tina
as well.
"Hey," she says. "Have you guys seen tienne
anywhere?"
"Umm, no," we both reply.
"Shit. I can't fucking believe that girl sometimes."
"What's wrong," Tina asks.
"Oh, nothing." Gill begins. "She's just so stupid
sometimes. Like I don't get what goes through that girl's
mind. Roman's obviously not interested in her anymore, but
she continues to like hang onto him and let him take
advantage of her."
"Are you serious?" Tina asks. She's very big on female
solidarity and hates hearing about girls getting screwed
over.
"Ya, like, don't tell anyone, guys, okay?" Gill says,
"but like tonight she was all hitting on him and shit and
I'm pretty sure he took her upstairs. You guys know they're
not together anymore, right? I used to like think Roman was
a huge dick, but I feel kinda bad for him because she
doesn't leave him alone. Ever. I guess that doesn't excuse
him using her for sex, but he is a guy, right. That girl is
just so stupid sometimes." I can't believe I'm hearing
this.
"So, wait, how long have they been broken up?" Tina
asks.
"Like two and half months or so," Gill says.
"But I see them together all the time."
"Ya, and they still fuck all the time, too." I CAN'T
believe I'm hearing this. Roman still fucks tienne? So
what the hell are we doing together? Am I just sex to him?
I wonder how much of this is true. She might be making this
shit up, or elaborating, right? I need to talk him. I need
to find him. Right now. But Gill's still talking.
"I know. it's pretty sick, eh? Like he's really not
into her anymore. And she's so in love with him. I just
really hope they're not fucking right now." So do I.
I'm suddenly not in the mood to be very social. I kind
of just withdraw into myself. I need to find a bathroom..
I need to shut out the world for a minute or two.
I do my best to casually excuse myself from the girls,
saying something about finding another beer or something and
make my way as quickly as possible away from them. But I
bump into Craig again and I ask him if he's seen Roman.
"Umm. Yeah, man," he tells me. "I think that I saw him
heading upstairs with tienne a little bit ago." Oh, fuck.
I don't know why I have a reason to be upset. I mean,
it's not like he was my boyfriend, or anything. We just
fooled around. I did stop seeing any other guys, but that
was just me being stupid. I don't understand why I would
have stopped seeing other guys, especially when he blatantly
wasn't making a commitment to me. And we never discussed
the whole `us' thing, and so there never was an `us'. There
was just a completely unmutual sexual tryst. Fuck, don't
cry. Don't be such a fucking pussy. Don't be such a fag.
Whooo boy. It's okay, whatever, just don't let him know
what you were feeling. He can't know. He doesn't know now,
nothing needs to change, except for you. At least you know
now, and you can go into it knowing what he's thinking.
That it's not a real relationship - that it's just two
sexually compatible people.
I get a ride home with my buddy Josh shortly after. My
mom's gone again. I'm pissed off at her, because I kind of
would like to talk to her, or to someone. My sister's
staying in Toronto for most of her break to be with her
boyfriend. But it's not like I could really talk to them,
anyway, even though I'm feeling borderline nervous breakdown
and ready to come out. It's probably for the best that
they're not here.
I get some more alcohol out of the cabinet. I feel
like getting drunk - I'm not yet. But I feel like getting
alone, depressed drunk, not stupid, happy drunk. That's why
I left the party. Actually, what I really feel like doing
is Roman, but I don't want to see him right now. Fuck him.
I unbuckle my pants and pull them and my boxers down
and sit on my couch, turning on the TV. I flick through the
stations, hoping to find some porn. I eventually do, but
it's too light for me. I close my eyes and listen to the
moans and begin stroking my dick. Harder and harder, faster
and faster. I run my hands up my chest and begin pulling on
my nipple, and I remember Roman pulling on them, and feeling
my skin. I see his beautiful face in the back on my mind,
and I begin to feel hotter and hotter. With one hand, I
begin to play with my balls, pulling on them and wishing it
was Roman doing it. I keep jerking myself off, as hard as I
can. It hurts a little, but I want it to. It feels right.
I'm leaking precum right now, and my whole body feels hot,
and tense, and I feel like if I were to relax the moment
would end. I'm stroking my dick with fury now, and I spit
on my hand to add more lube my already slick cock. I want
to come so badly, I'm so close - one hand pulling on my
balls and the other going a mile a minute on my dick, and
then I tense up, my cock gets even harder then it was, and I
spew all over my chest.
I turn off the porn, and just sit there on the couch,
winding down for a few moments. But I can't relax. I'm too
aware of the hardening cum still on me, and of how cold I
suddenly am. I'm semi-drunk and semi-numb, and barely aware
of my actions as I make my way into the bathroom and get
into the shower.
When I get out and get dry, I go into the kitchen and
pour myself another drink - I want to maintain this
numbness. I'm not drunk, exactly, my perception's just
slanted and it's making it easier to stay down. It's 1:23
am, and I can't think of anything to do but go to bed, but
I'm not really tired. I check my cell phone, two missed
calls. Before I can check who they were, it rings again. I
don't feel like talking, but I can't say no to him, so I
answer it anyway.
"Roman," I say his name, almost daring him to say
something.
"Hey," he sounds happy. "You left before I got to say
good-bye. I was hoping we could spend some time together
tonight." He sounds genuine. I want to be an asshole and
point out that he did spend time with me tonight, even
though I know what he means. But I don't, because I'm
feeling ridiculous. He doesn't know I'm upset, and I'm
angry at him for this, but I realize that there's no way he
could. I also realize that I have no reason to be angry at
him and that I should just be pissed at myself, but this
just makes me more upset. I realize that I haven't said
anything for a while and that he's waiting for me to
respond.
"Yeah, sorry, I didn't feel like being around those
people. I would have good-bye, but I couldn't find you."
"Right, ya, sorry. I had a thing to do," he says.
More like an ex-girlfriend to do. "So, um. can I come
over?" I want to say no, I want to tell him to fuck off,
but I also would do anything to make him happy.
"Ya, sure. I'll leave the door open. My mom's out."
He finds me sitting in my kitchen, drinking, 20 minutes
later. He comes up behind me, puts his hands on my
shoulders, and begins kissing my neck, and then whispers
into my ear.
"Come upstairs." Without saying anything, I stand up.
He takes my hand and leads me to my bedroom, and I follow
him like I always do. We lie down on my bed and begin
making out. He pulls off my t-shirt, and I begin to
unbutton his shirt. He begins to kiss his way down my
chest, stopping for a moment at my nipples, sucking each one
until they are hard and erect. He licks my bellybutton, and
traces my treasure trail down to the elastic on my
sweatpants. He pulls them down, and begins to suck my cock.
I'm lying on my back on my bed, and I let out a moan. He's
gotten more adventurous, and he sucks on my taint as well as
my balls and my dick. I feel hot, and dirty, because I hate
him as well as love him right now and he has no idea. He
laps up my precum and takes almost three quarters of my dick
into his mouth. In and out, in and out, swirling his tongue
around my head when he gets there. Normally, when he gives
me head, I don't hold back because I know its tiring for him
but I don't want to come just yet. I want to enjoy this; I
want to make him work. I want to make this as hard and as
dirty as possible, because it's just sex, right. Just as
I'm about to come, I tell him to stop.
"I want you to fuck me," I say. I haven't been fucked
in a long time, not since before the first night we hooked
up. We haven't ventured into anal anything yet, but right
now, I just want him to fuck me.
He looks at my straight in the eyes. "Are you sure?"
He asks me in a tone that asks if I'm not just doing this
because something's upsetting me, as if he knows. I just
nod, and grab a bottle of lube out of my bedside table and
toss it to him.
He squeezes some out onto his fingers and begins to rub
it into my ass. It's cold, and it surprises me. At first,
he just rubs his fingers over my rosebud, but he eventually
inserts first one, then two fingers in, rubbing me around
and loosening me up. He's being very careful and I wonder
if he thinks this is my first time. I don't tell him it's
not.
Finally, he pulls off his pants and rubs some lube onto
his cock. I'm lying on my back with my knees bent and legs
spread, and he's kneeling, naked, towering over me, between
my legs. I'm struck by how beautiful he is, and I don't
want him to be.
"Put my legs on your shoulders," I tell him. He does,
and he leans into me and slowly and gently inserts himself
inside of me. He begins a slow pace, his face close to
mine. He looks at me, and though his face is blank, his
eyes are smiling. He's being very sweet, and it's not what
I want from him at this moment.
"Go harder," I tell him. It hurts, a little, but I'm
loosening up quickly and it's beginning to feel good. He
hasn't hit my prostate, but I like the sex of its own
accord. And then he does, and I yelp.
"I'm sorry, did I hurt you," he asks, concerned, and he
slows his pace.
"No," I tell him, between breaths, "just the opposite.
Go harder." And I close my eyes. He starts going really
hard, and I do my best to milk his dick with my ass. He's
hitting my prostate with more and more frequency, and I'm
not sure how much longer I can hold out. He begins to moan
and mumble obscenities.
"Oh fuck, oh god," he says, "your ass is so hot." He
keeps up the momentum. I don't want to say anything.
"Oh god, I love you," he whispers. What the fuck.
He's incoherent. A few seconds later, I cum, and the
tensing of my ass muscles around his cock make him succumb,
as well. His whole body gets hard, and he closes his eyes,
and pumps load after load into my ass, collapsing onto me
and nuzzling into my neck.
This is uncomfortable.
"You should go," I tell him.
_____________________
I spend the next few days avoiding calling him. He's
called my cell twice and I've purposely not answered. I
don't really want to talk to him, even though part of me
does. School's over, so I don't have to see him, thank God.
I miss him - I still want him, and I want him to want me
even more, now. But I'm so very angry at him at the same
time. I don't really even have a right to be - we've never
had anything but sex. I thought it was more, but looking
back, it wasn't. We just fooled around. It felt right -
but we barely talked, really. I don't actually know that
much about him or his family or his life; I just know what
gets him off and that he feels good in my arms.
And now I'm stuck here, depressed and unable to talk to
him about how I'm feeling, because I'm trapped by
assumptions. He's probably wondering what's going on with
me. Actually, I don't know if that's true. He's probably
not even thinking about me at all, busy with tienne; and
only called me because he was horny.
I go shopping for Christmas presents - it's in like six
days and I have none. I can't help it, but everything I
see, I wonder if it would be a good present for Roman. I
wasn't going to get him anything, but I couldn't help it.
He's too much under my skin.
I go out cruising with Chris and Trevor tonight. This
is what we do when there's nothing to do. We drive around
the hood - not mine, but the one where our school is.
Everyone lives there, and everyone drives around. More
often then not, a group of people end up at bush (a park) or
the back of our school, dranking and skanking and getting
high. We end up at bush this time; there's no one else
here, but we sit in the parking lot in Chris's car, rolling,
and then smoking. Like always when I smoke weed now, I
think of Roman.
While we're in the middle of the spliff, Chris's cell
rings. It's this guy Joe we know, wanting to know what's
up. Chris and him talk for a few seconds, and then Chris
turns to me.
"Yo, can uh Joe pick off you?"
"How much?" I ask.
"Uh. Three grams." I nod and Chris tells Joe where we
are.
"Yo, why uh doesn't he ever call me?" I like Joe, but
he's kind of a weird guy. I've known him since grade 9 -
never really been tight with him but always been friendly -
but he always calls Chris when he wants weed, hoping that
I'm with him.
"Yo, because Joe's just weird." A few minutes later, a
call pulls up beside us. Joe's in the driver's seat, with
Ryan in the front and Craig and Ryan's girlfriend Rachel in
the back. We do business through the windows of our cars.
"Hey, uh, what are you guys doing tonight?" Joe asks.
"I dunno, cruising" Chris responds.
"You guys should stop by Mica's. Peeps are
conglomerating there." Joe throws in. We talk a little bit
longer, and then Joe and crew drive away.
Trevor wants to go to Mica's. He has a thing for his
younger sister, this chick Alison in grade 9 at our school.
She's pretty hot, but we dog him because she's too young.
We smoke another joint, drive to the Quickie to buy some
food, and decide to head over to Mica's.
There turns out to be a pretty decent crowd of about 25
people just chilling there. Unfortunately, Roman's there.
Or, maybe fortunately.
We eye each other and avoid each other. Or maybe I'm
just avoiding him. I'm not really sure. I'm sure he
doesn't think anything's wrong. Because we didn't have a
fight, and he doesn't feel the way I do about him. This is
just casual to him.
I go outside for a cigarette. I'm sitting on Mica's
back porch, and I hear someone coming up behind me. Fuck, I
just want to be alone right now. I turn around and look at
whoever it is that's approaching me.
"Hey," Roman says, hesitantly.
"Hey," I respond, and then turn back around. He comes
and sits down beside me.
"What's going on with you?" he asked me seriously.
"Nothing. what do you mean?" I don't want to get into
this with him. I don't want him to know how I feel about
him. Shit.
"I tried to call you a couple of days ago."
"I know." I say it shortly. "I wasn't in the mood."
"Oh." he sounds dejected. "What do you mean by that?"
"Nothing, never mind." I want to take back that. That
was harsh.
"I don't get you. We share this thing - this
incredibly intimate thing - and then you just ignore me,
like it was no big deal."
"Ya, well. I have my reasons." What's going on? I'm
suddenly aware of how much an asshole I sound like right
now.
"I'm starting to feel like this is just sex to you."
He drops like a stone. How is it that he feels that same
way I do? How come he gets to say my speech? "Did I scare
you with what I said?" I know what he's talking about. But
I feel like being difficult.
"What did you say?"
"You know. don't - I told you I loved you."
"You meant that! I though you were like just in the
heat of the moment," I say in a half-joking, half-shocked,
half-angry tone of voice. I feel like being mean, because I
feel like this is bullshit, but I don't know why.
"Oh, ya. I'm not really sure. Sometimes I feel like I
do. And then I feel guilty because I feel like I treat you
like shit - but now, I mean. you don't care about me at all,
do you." His voice is breaking. He sounds really upset. I
hesitate.
"I thought that. I felt like you were using me. I
heard that you were still sleeping with tienne."
"Who told you that?"
"It doesn't matter. The night that we. someone told me
that they saw you go upstairs with her."
"I did." He concedes. "But I didn't sleep with her.
She's really crazy. She's fucked up. We were just talking.
I think she lies about me. Anyway, this is ridiculous. I
shouldn't have to be defending myself to you. You blow me
off, ignore me, avoid my calls, and I'm defending myself."
"You only called me twice. If you were this upset -"
"I wanted to give you space. I didn't want to seem too
needy. What we did, it freaked me out. But it felt right.
But I feel different, now, about you. Like I have shitty
self-esteem about you, now. Because that was different sex
than I've ever had."
"You don't get it, do you?" I tell him. "You're the
one that makes me feel unsure. I never know what you're
thinking. I feel like you only call me when you want some."
I tell him.
"That's not true." He tells me. I take a deep breath.
"Why haven't we ever talked about `us' before?" I ask
him.
"I was afraid to bring it up." He says. I nod.
"I'm sorry," I say. "I didn't want you to know. I'm
absolutely crazy about you. I didn't think you felt the
same way."
"I do." This is good. This is something that I never
thought would or could happen. We lean in to kiss, and then
suddenly, we remember where we are. We've been gone for
like 30 minutes, talking. We're lucky no one else came
outside and overheard us. Even though there's no one
around, it's too public to kiss. I think we both agree. He
takes my hand and gives it a squeeze.
"We should probably go back inside. We've been gone
for a really long time," Roman said. He's right. I'm
suddenly aware of how cold I am - sitting outside in the
middle of December for half an hour is not cool. I wasn't
even aware of it while we were talking.
We stumble back inside, and notice that some people
have cleared out from Mica's. I'm starting to feel slightly
uncomfortable, because I'm not really that close with Mica,
even though we have some mutual friends, so it was okay
before. But now it's mostly those boys that don't like me
very much. Chris asks me where I was for so long.
"Oh, I was just outside having a smoke with Roman," I
tell him. I really want to leave. I really just want to be
alone with Roman, go somewhere where I can touch him and not
have to deal with the scrutiny or whatever.
"Yo, Chris, are you and Trev ready to take off soon?"
I ask him.
"Why, man, do you want to go home?"
"Uh. kinda."
"Well, I think Trev wants to stay here for a while,"
Chris says. He points to Trev talking to Alison in the
corner. "And I'm still down, but I'll drive you home now if
you want to peace." This is very much Chris's scene -
people just chilling at someone's house, not like a party,
but just people, getting high and drunk. Even though Chris
doesn't drink often, he does drugs, and I can tell that he
just wants to chill here and maybe do some coke or
something.
"Right, well, I don't want to make you leave if you
don't want to." So we end up kicking it there a while
longer, which really isn't that bad. It ends up being this
ridiculous eclectic group of people that would normally not
chill together. There's me, and Chris and Trevor, and of
course Mica. And then Mica's sister Alison with her friend
Candice. And Joe, of course, and Ryan's girlfriend Rachel
(Ryan left, thank God; Rachel's actually pretty cool,
though) and Gill, and Roman. And there's this guy Omar,
who's friends with Mica and them but that I don't really
know, and Jordan, who's good friends with Roman and Ryan and
sort of threatening towards me. Half of these people have
beef with each other, or have friends who have beef with
each other, but we end up just kicking it. Someone calls a
coke dealer (I don't deal that shit), and it's turning into
an intense chillfest. I normally don't do heavy drugs (I
can count on both hands how many times I've done cocaine,
and the only other drugs I've done are opium, crack once by
mistake, oh. and E a couple times) but this is right place,
right time kind of situation and I'm down. The only people
who seem uncomfortable are Alison and Candice. You can tell
they're just here by accident/because this is Alison's
house.
But the night is pretty fun, despite the fact that I
just want to do Roman. But at least we have an opportunity
to be together - if not be together. Trevor seems to be
making progress with Alison - who's done nothing but beer -
but the whole thing is still kind of a joke. Mica doesn't
seem to have a problem with it - I think he's too high to be
rocking the protective older brother vibe. Chris, with a
complete disregard for that fact that his car is here, gets
nice and high as well. And everyone just gets along. At
one point in the night, Jordan actually comes up and talks
to me.
"Yo, man. You're cool." He's retarded at this point,
but I love drunken conversations. They're so heartfelt, and
you always come out of them loving the person. "I mean,
like. you were always cool. But I didn't know you were
cool."
Eventually, though, it seems like everyone breaks off
into couples. Trevor goes off with Alison to her room, and
at some point in the night I think that Chris, in an unusual
state of drunkenness, actually ended up with Candice in one
of the spare bedrooms (I guess I'm not going home. My mom's
out of town, so it's cool. Chris's parents are gonna rape
him though) Rachel crashes early, and Joe goes upstairs to
kick it with her (she's not cheating on Ryan - he's like
both of their best friends and like her sworn protector),
and Omar passed out early on one of the couches downstairs
and is missing one eyebrow and covered in obscene drawings
and phrases produced from a black Sharpie. It ends up being
just me, Roman (we obviously both stayed up because of each
other), Gill, Jordan, and Mica still awake and chilling. At
around 4 in the morning, we decide its time to go to bed.
Maybe I should explain something about Mica's place. It's
huge. I said one of the spare bedrooms before, and I meant
it. There are 2. And there's a pull-out couch in the
living room, so there's ample space for everyone to crash.
Mica hits up his own bedroom, and Jordan decides that the
pull-out is the most comfortable bed in the whole house, and
makes Gill help him make it. They've been pretty flirty all
night, and they'll probably sleep together. Easy random
hooks. So, by sheer luck, or maybe divine intervention,
Roman and I end up being able to share the second guest
room.
We've both more or less sobered up by this point, thank
God. We close the door and strip down to our boxers, and
sit on the bed and wait. I'm not sure what we're waiting
for; first it's for the sounds of movement down the hall to
subside, then it's to be sure that everyone is asleep. And
then we wait some more. And then we begin to make-out.
It's Roman who stops it as I begin to reach down under his
boxers.
"Do you think we should?" he asks. I hate that he had
to point out that we might get caught, but he's right. I
just want him so bad, though. After our conversation, a
huge weight was lifted off of me and I just want to revel in
it, in him.
"I don't care," I tell him blankly. "I want you too
bad." That seems to be good enough for him, and we're both
quickly naked. Roman begins jacking me off. He uses spit
as lube and works me almost to coming. And then he stops,
and begins to blow me, taking half of my cock into his mouth
and intermittently sucking on my balls. A few minutes
later, he spits on ass and begins to work first one, then
two fingers into my hole. He's driving me insane. He's
gotten really good at head and is starting to know how to
make me go crazy. The finger-fucking is new, but it's still
good, and makes me want him to fuck me so badly.
"Do you want it?" He asks me, his voice thick with
sex.
"Oh God, yes." is all I mumble in reply. He, like most
teenaged boys, has a condom in his wallet, and he gets it
out because we can't make a mess.
He rolls the condom over his cock and makes sure I'm
good and lubed up before swiftly sliding inside of me. He
feels so good in there, almost as if he completes me, as
cheesy as it sounds. The sex this time is much slower and
sweeter than before. I'm no longer angry at him, and we'd
both earlier told each other how we feel. I realize that I
might actually be falling in love with this boy, and it
scares me, but in a good way. After about 15 minutes, he
comes. I don't, because even though I enjoyed the sex, I
wasn't raunchy enough to bring me to orgasm, and he didn't
really hit my prostate at all. But after resting for a few
minutes, Roman goes down on me again and swallows all of my
jizz.
Afterwards, we both throw our boxers back on, and Roman
carefully picks up the condom with a Kleenex and walks
towards the bathroom to flush it.
He comes in laughing a few minutes later.
"I bumped into that Candice chick in the bathroom," he
says while giggling.
"Did she see the condom?" I ask him seriously.
"No. I like hid it in my hand, but it like wasn't
completely covered by the Kleenex and I like touched part of
it, it was really fucking disgusting," he continues,
laughing. "But man, she had like cum on her face. I think
she was too surprised to see me to have noticed anything."
So Chris did get some.
We're both pretty tired at this point and go to sleep
in each other's arms. Thankfully, Roman wakes up mad early
the next morning, and we disentangle ourselves from each
other just before Jordan and Mica come obnoxiously barging
in to wake us up a few minutes later.
Downstairs, in Mica's kitchen, everyone gathers. And
everyone looks like shit and ridiculously hung-over. People
decide to go out to breakfast, and half an hour later I find
myself at Denny's with Trevor, Chris, Roman, Jordan, Joe,
Gill, and Rachel. Mica decided to stay home and go back to
sleep, and Omar mysteriously had to go home, and I don't
think those younger chicks really felt comfortable or even
invited.
The camaraderie and truce that had been present the
night before still persists, perhaps perpetuated by intense
mutual hangover, and we all just get along and make fun of
each other for the night before. Chris and Trev both get
max dogged for hitting up the younger bitches. Gill and
Jordan seem to be pretending that nothing happened between
them, which is often the case in our hook-up youth culture.
Roman and I sit beside each other and like play footsies
under the table and no one really notices. I like moments
like this, 8 o'clock in the morning after a night of
partying - a barely human time - and everyone feels equally
shitty, but its fun in spite or perhaps because of these
conditions.
After consuming fuckloads of grease and way too much
coffee, we all decide to go home, mostly because Chris is
beginning the regret that he didn't last night. He gives
me, Trevor, Gill, and Joe a ride home and heads home
himself. The second I get in my door, I pass out on my
couch for another few hours.
________________________
Hey all, I'd just like to apologize for my ridiculously long
interlude between writing. I've been busy, but I'm starting
back up again, so there. Again, comments are welcome, e-
mail me at blue_steele82@hotmail.com. Peace.