Date: Sun, 05 Dec 2004 01:27:48 -0500
From: rick lemmon <blue_steele82@hotmail.com>
Subject: matt, part 5

    Later, I go out shopping with Tina for some more last
minute gifts.  After we broke up, we stayed really good
friends, and I haven't just chilled with her for a while, so
it's good to spend some quality time together.  She's one of
those people that's just really easy to get along with and
never has any beef with anyone.  We go for a late lunch at a
restaurant in the mall, and half way through our meal she
looks at me and asks what's been up with me lately.
     "What do you mean?" I ask her.
     "It's just that, I don't know. You seem distant lately.
I barely talk to you anymore.  Is there like something going
on in your life?
     I just nod to her. "Ya," I say.
     "You wanna talk about it?" she asks.  Tina is the
person that I can always talk to, whether I'm stressed out
or pissed off or feeling insightful, or whatever, and I
actually for a second consider telling her.  I mean about
everything.  I normally talk about all my relationships a
lot (I don't mean with guys, because no one knows I'm gay,
but like with friends and my family and shit) and I've been
missing it.  Especially with all the bad and crazy and now
finally good shit that's been going on.
    "I'm actually really happy for the first time in a while
right now," I tell her, which is true.  I've been basking in
the glow that is Roman and his mutual feelings for me all
day.  "Sorry I've been so distant lately," I add. "I've just
had a lot to shit to deal with, but I think it's better
now."  Okay, so I don't tell her - I'm not quite ready yet.
But I think that I will soon.  I'm starting to feel more and
more comfortable articulating that I'm gay, and it would be
great to have at least one friend to talk to about it.  It's
not that I'm afraid that she won't accept me, it's just that
I'm afraid of exposing myself.  I would feel so naked
without the burden of this whole secret life thing weighing
down on me.  Its just been built up and built up and now
ideas get stuck on my tongue whenever I consider verbalizing
them. I don't know, maybe I'm just a pussy.
    "Well okay then," Tina says, bringing me back to
reality. "Glad we had this chat," and she sort of laughs a
little bit.  "But seriously, you know you can talk to me if
you ever need to, so if your shit blows up again, just give
me a call.  Okay?"  I nod.  That's why I love this girl, if
only in a platonic sense.  Because she is just such a good
person and a good friend, and I know that she's serious and
that I really could talk to her.

     Later, I have to go pick my sister and her boyfriend
Alex up at the bus station and my mom up at the airport,
which is sort of a drag considering I'm still a bit hung-
over from the night before and could really deal with
another nap.  But I'll survive (I know, I know, I'm such a
drama queen).  It's the first time since Thanksgiving that
we've been together as a family, which means that my mom's
really excited and wants to make a nice supper and for us to
spend some quality time together.  I'm sort of not very
excited, because even though I miss my family when they're
gone, I get fucking sick of them after the first few hours.
Or maybe it's not that I'm sick of my family, it's just that
they're nowhere near as interesting as Roman is.  Everything
they say reminds me of him or joke we have or something, and
it makes me wish that he could come to dinner with me.
Because you're supposed to spend Christmas with people you
love, and scary as it is, I really think that I do love him,
or almost do.
     I hate the situation I'm in.  I mean, Grace gets to
bring her boyfriend home with her for a few days over the
holidays, but I don't even get to bring mine to dinner.  My
family doesn't even know he exists, or that I'm in this
suddenly great relationship.  I want to share my happiness
with the world, but I can't.  I want to shout from the
rooftops, but I can't.  Instead, I have to hide, and it's
hard sometimes.
     Dinner is nice, though.  My mom's a great cook, and she
really pulls all of her tricks out of her sleeve when the
holidays roll around.  I get along pretty well with my
sister (when we're not fighting), and it's nice to see her
again.  I also really like Alex.  They've been together for
over a year now, and he's a really good guy, and I sort of
joke around that he's my brother-in-law (even though my
sister's only 19 and nowhere near marriage).  But his
presence is sort of rubbing salt into the wound, and I miss
Roman.
     But later that night, at around 2 o'clock he surprises
me by calling my cell, and since my mom's asleep and Grace
and Alex are either asleep or umm busy, I sneak him through
my window.  It's at moments like these when I'm grateful for
my ridiculous insomnia and the fact that I never fall asleep
before 4:30 in the morning (fuck morning classes anyway.
Everyone knows high school's a joke).
     When he slides through my window, I'm so happy to see
him, it's crazy, and I can't wait to get into his pants.
I've been thinking about him all night, about how good he
can make me feel, and I can't wait to get off with him.  I
practically rip his shirt off almost as soon as he's in my
room, staring at his perfect form in silence.  And then I
can't hold it anymore and I kiss him, hard and deep,
penetrating his mouth with my tongue, insinuating other
things I want to do with him.  He begins to strip me, and we
walk together in each other's arms towards my bed, getting
our limbs tangled up.  He lays me down on my back and moves
quickly down my body and takes my cock into his mouth, but
it's not enough. I want him inside of me.
     "I want you in me," I moan to him.  "Now."
     So he moves down to my ass and starts to get me lubed
up with his spit, and he sticks one, then two fingers inside
me, teasing me, not giving me what I really want.  I grab
some lube out of my dresser and toss it to him; he slicks
himself up, and then enters.  I feel so full and good when
he's inside me and we fuck forcefully, but quietly.  And
that's what it is - fucking.  Yeah, there's real emotion
behind it, but we're two horny boys insanely hot for each
other, and I've been carrying tension for him between my
legs all afternoon.  I know we just had sex last night, but
it seems like it's been years.  I need this, and I think he
does to, and we become furious in our actions.  He builds so
much pleasure up inside of me, almost to the point of
breaking, as he goes in and out like the tides. And then it
does break, and we have an explosive mutual orgasm and
collapse, exhausted. We lie naked together on my bed,
afterward, cooling off.
     "That was fucking unbelievable," he heaves.  Things are
really comfortable.  After a little bit, he gets up and
tosses on his boxers and a t-shirt, and tosses me a pair of
sweatpants.  And then he stays for a while and hangs out.  I
can feel our relationship taking a turn for the better like
we actually have one now, and like we can spend time alone
together and just be together, not just fuck around.
I mean, yeah, okay, we just fucked around, but he's in no
hurry to leave now that we're finished. We can just lay
together and talk and everything is perfect.
     "How was dinner?" he asks me, cuddled up beside me on
my bed.
     "Fine." I say it a bit quietly.
     "Fine?  Doesn't sound like," he says, urging me to
elaborate.
     "I don't know. My sister's boyfriend's here and they
were so happy and cute together."
     "What is the world coming," he says with a laugh.
"What, you don't like him?" he asks me.
     "No, we get along really well, actually.  But that's
it, it just made me painfully aware of our situation," I
tell him a little tentatively.
     "Aye, there's the rub," he tells me.  I swear to God,
he can make even Hamlet adorable.  "So. what?"
     "Nothing," I tell him.  And I honestly mean it. Because
when it comes down to it, I'm not ready to out myself, to
shout from the proverbial rooftops I had earlier been waxing
poetic about, and that's exactly my problem.
     "It's not like I want to tell people," I continue.
"It's just frustrating."
      "I know, baby," he tells me, and it was the first
time that I knew that he did know, but I guess he's dealing
with these things too.  And then he leans into my ear and
whispers:  "You know, though, I think this whole secret
thing is kind of sexy."  And then he kisses me.  He begins
to rub his hands on my still-naked chest, and my dick starts
to get hard again.  In silence, he begins to work me up.  He
kisses downward, following the line of my neck and my
clavicle. He licks and sucks on my nipples, and slowly
teases his way down.  Finally, he slides off my sweatpants
and takes my now begging cock into his mouth and sucks me
off. He can fit almost all of it down his throat by now, and
he's awesome at head.  He sucks on my balls, and sends warm
spasms all through my body, bringing me to point of ecstasy
and making me feel so, so good.  With him in my bed, the
whole world feels perfect and for now, at least, my worries
are appeased.

____________________


     The rest of Christmas break is awesome.  I have a
really tight-knit extended family with lots of cousins all
my age, and they all live in the area, so holidays are
always stellar.  Christmas day, I normally wake up and do
Christmas morning with my mom and my sister, and then go to
a huge Christmas party with all of my family and just get
loaded to shit with my cousins.  The only uncomfortable
moments stemming from the holidays tend to surround my dad,
who's sort of bitter that my sister and I are so close with
my mom's family.  But that's alright, really.  I get a lot
of good presents, and there's just a lot of general love and
good times around.
     New Year's this year is one of the best parties I've
ever been too.  Lindsay the rich girl has this huge kegger
(do you ever notice that there's only like one or two people
that have parties in high school), and basically every semi-
cool person in my grade, as well as a lot of gr. 11s, show
up.  There were just good vibes coming from everyone, all
giddy off champagne and beer and shit. Roman's there as
well, and even though we spend some time together, we don't
actually 'spend some time together', but its cool.  At least
I get to see him.
     We do take advantage of our time off school, though,
and manage to sneak in a lot of real time together.  My
mom's not really strict about where I'm going or who I'm
with, as long as I've got my cell on me, so I really don't
have to lie to her all that much about spending time with
Roman.  I think he's pretty much in the same boat, except
that his parents don't care where he goes because they don't
really care about him.
     I don't know.  It's really hard for me to grasp this
whole situation with his parents, especially since I've
never met them.  I can't really fathom parents just straight-
up not loving their kid, but that's more or less the
impression I get from him.  Like he's some colossal
disappointment to them because he's not a football star, or
something.  Like they had this image of what their son would
be - blonde, beefy, morally strong, doesn't drink, doesn't
smoke, All-American (even though we're Canadian) type guy
and then he ended up the opposite.  Except that he is
morally strong, just in a different way than their narrow
minds allow.  I honestly think that all of Roman's qualms
about being gay or whatever he is stem from them and the
fact that they already make him feel like he's not good
enough for them.
     But besides his parents, Roman's spectacular and
everything between the two of us is going great.  I ended up
finding the music nut a perfect Christmas present (a copy of
Led Zeplin's untitled album on vinyl from a second hand
music store), and it made me feel so good just to make him
so happy.  I love knowing that I'm the one responsible for a
huge grin on someone's face.  Okay, so maybe I'm a bit of a
dork.  Whatever.  He got me a copy of Jack Kerouac's On The
Road, and it just really surprised me, because I think I
mentioned once how I wish I could just jump in my car and
drive across North America and just get to know the people
and the culture and the history that has shaped who I am.
The point is, I loved the gift and I love that he's starting
to know me so well.

     When school resumes after the holidays, things continue
to be good. Throughout January, things just get stronger and
stronger between us, and I fall for Roman harder and harder.
It's getting increasingly difficult to see him at school and
not jump him, but we make do, I guess.  There's always
slunch (read: sex + lunch), and I find myself skipping class
just to be with him.  Wait, before you judge me, let me tell
you that it's not that unhealthy.  I mean, everyone skips
class, for whatever reason - to go out for lunch, to spend
time with significant others, just plain old not feeling
like it - especially senior year, and teachers don't really
care as long as work gets handed in.  And I always get my
work handed in and get good grades.  So, yeah.
     Roman and I have also sort of begun to talk in school a
little more, like we're friendly or something.  I've been
finding that my last year of high school, a lot of the
social walls my peers and I have all spent so much time
building up have been beginning to crumble, and everyone's
just started hanging out with everyone a whole lot more.  So
it's not that off that we're suddenly buddy-buddy.  But
we're always careful when we're together to make sure we
don't seem too cozy.  Anyway, the point is, things are going
well.
     When February rolls around, I start to have a bit of a
problem.  Well, not a real problem, but something that
stresses me out nonetheless. Okay, don't laugh, but
Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and I have no
idea what I should do.  I mean, I've always been sort of
torn on the whole thing.  Part of me thinks that it's just
some stupid, futile, Hallmark-induced holiday created to
push more chocolates and teddy-bears on innocent consumers,
but the other part of me is like "Shut up, Matt.  You're
just bitter because you've never been in love before."  And
it is stupid, I know, but secretly I sort of want the
candlelit dinner, the roses, the expensive chocolates, and
the pointless teddy-bear.  I want some guy barraging me with
aphrodisiacs and taking me to a nice hotel room - not
because he wants to get into my pants, but because he wants
me.  And now, finally, I kind of have that guy, even if it
is only in private, and I sort of want to make a big deal
about it.  But Roman probably thinks it's stupid (he's very
anti useless consumption) so I don't know.
     I catch him in the library about a week and a half
before the big day during second period, when I have a
spare.  For some pointless reason this whole Valentine's Day
thing's been weighing on my mind, so I decide to go talk to
him about it.
     "Hey," I whisper, plopping myself down across from him
at his table.  He doesn't answer me; he just looks up and
smiles.  I can tell he's busy and probably stressing.
     "What are you up to," I ask.
     "Uh, studying for calc.  I have a test after lunch and
I'm totally screwed."  Right, the calc test.  Half the grade
has been skipping class and studying furiously all day for
it.  I'm so glad I was smart and only took humanities this
year, but I choose not to rub this in his face right at this
moment.
     "Oh, right, sorry. I won't bother you," I tell him
instead, starting to get up.  "I'll just catch you later."
Maybe now isn't the best time to bring up Valentine's Day.
     But he looks up at me and smiles.  "No, I'm fucking
tired of studying.  Stay and talk to me a bit.  What's up?"
     "Um, okay." I start.  "I was just wondering what you
were doing next Thursday."
     "Nothing, I think. Why?" he asks me.  He looks totally
lost and completely adorable right now, all expectant and
hopeful like he thinks I have some surprise for him or
something.
     "Oh - I.  Uh. It's Valentine's Day.  Do you want to
do something. or not?" I barely manage to stammer it out,
like I'm some 12-year-old asking a girl to dance for the
first time.
     "Oh. I dunno," he replies, a bit of a gleam in his
eyes, "I think I might have plans with my girlfriend."
Asshole. he is so clever (note my sarcasm).  "No, umm, sure,
I guess," he continues. "To be honest I hadn't really even
thought about it."
     "Well, we really don't have to do anything."  I really
don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do.  Just
because I'm a huge nerd doesn't mean he has to be.
     "No, it sounds nice," he says with a smile.
     So we make Valentine's Day plans.  But when the day
actually rolls around, things just start to suck.  My mom
was supposed to be going out of town again, but at the last
minute her company decided she needed to stay because of
some emergency with corporate accounting or something. The
plan had been for Roman to come over and spend the night.  I
was going to branch out from bacon and try my hand at a
decent meal, and I figured if I failed candlelit take-out
Chinese could be equally romantic if you put the right spin
on it.  But I no longer have an empty house, so much for
that.  Then Ryan starts having a major issue with an essay
he has due the next day (already extended) and he calls
Roman for help/to get him to write it for him. What can I
say, the boy's a total genius, but it's so not a good time.
Basically the whole situation fucking blows.  It's like the
world was like "hey dude, let's rub it in your face that
your relationship exists to no one but you and your
'boyfriend' - if you can call him that - and you don't have
shit to celebrate." It's just so frustrating, because if
this was a straight relationship then I would probably be
getting money from my mom to at least take him out to a nice
dinner, and he could be like "yo, asshole, write your own
essay, I have a date" - even though he's way too sweet to
ever be that harsh.  But that's not what our situation is,
and in the end we end up having to settle for a late-night
booty call and gift exchange, and I decide that I really do
hate this fucking holiday.
     But things are still good between us.  The sex is
awesome - just keeps getting better and better, actually.
And he's amazing.  I mean, seriously, he's the cutest,
sweetest, smartest, quirkiest guy and I love it all, almost
to the point of bursting.  I'm in a much better mood, now,
always smiling and shit.  My friends have all noticed, and
they're happy, too.  I was apparently a real bitch to be
around for while in the fall when things were rocky between
Roman and I - they won't let me forget it - and they're all
stoked that I'm finally back to my normal, happy self again,
even though they don't know the cause of my fluxes.
     Everything in my life is looking up right now, though.
I've been getting along with parents well recently. There's
been no shit between any of my friends lately, either, and I
feel closer than ever to all of them.  And Student Council
is awesome this year; we've run some really good events and
school spirit has never been better.  Also, all my teachers
are bomb, and I have a good relationship with all of them
even though I don't go to class as often as I should.
Furthermore, my marks are all good and I'm just waiting for
university replies, which should start coming in late March
or April.  I haven't quite made my mind up yet as to where I
want to go, but I'm sort of debating between McGill and
Dalhousie.  Also, I'm getting closer and closer to
graduating, and there's like this buzz in the air amongst
senior students that keeps getting stronger as we get closer
to June.  Everything is just fun. And Grad trip is in like
less than a month, and that's just serving to up everyone's
fervor.
     In case you're not familiar with the concept of a Grad
trip, let me elaborate. It's something that I know is
popular at least in the Ottawa-Toronto areas, and it's not
like a school-chaperoned end of the year trip or anything;
it's like Spring Break for high school students, organized
by one of us.  You go to an all-inclusive resort with anyone
in your grade that wants to go, and basically it's just like
a huge fucking party. Generally, you go for two reasons: to
get drunk and to get laid.  And everyone's stoked as sin for
it.  I'm rooming with Chris and Trevor, of course.  I'm
really excited, even though I sort of wish I could be
sharing a room with Roman (couples generally share rooms),
but that would be completely weird for people who aren't us,
so that's out.  Instead, I'm with my boys and he's with
Jordan and Mica.  But the trip should be awesome anyway.
     The point is, I'm really happy and I feel really in
control of my life right now, and I'm just looking forward
to the future and lot of good stuff to come. Right now, it's
pretty good to be me.


_________________


that's it for now. I'll do my best to get more out soon, but
I've got exams and shit coming up now, so I might be busy
for a while. Cheers.