Date: Sat, 4 Jan 2003 20:31:07 -0800 (PST)
From: Ehman Penn <ehman_penn@yahoo.com>
Subject: Matthew Figures It Out - Part 12

This is the continuation of the first story I've ever
written. The feedback has been great and has given me the
confidence to pursue a different story line than I had
originally planned. Please continue sending your honest
feedback to ehman_penn@yahoo.com

This story is 100% fiction and about 15% true. Don't read it
if there's any chance that doing so might send you or the
author to jail. This story is also copyrighted by the author
and cannot be altered or reproduced without his consent.

*****************************

Matthew Figures It Out - Part 12


Another uneventful weekend felt like yet another missed
opportunity to spend time with Chris. This was really
starting to grind away at me and I was beginning to fray
around the edges. I had spent so much time not knowing how
he really felt about me and never believing that we could be
together. That time of doubt had passed. He still hadn't
said it out loud, but there was now no doubt in my mind that
he loved me. Although it was careless, his surge of passion
for me before the basketball game had also let me know just
how much he wanted me and had triggered a desire within me
that couldn't be fulfilled fast enough.

For the first time in my life, I was having blatant sexual
fantasies. Girls had never stimulated me that way and while
I had always been aware that boys were appealing, I had
never focused on one boy with the specific thoughts going
through my mind now. Despite my solo efforts, it seemed like
I was in a condition of tireless arousal. Chris's athletic
frame and good looks had never been lost on me, but at times
they were now taking complete control. The boy I loved was
beautiful and easy to desire that way.

The fantasy was always mixed with a proportional dose of
reality. The same arousing image of his shirtless chest also
stuck me with pain and fear because my mind's eye also saw
the bruises on his back. I still often thought of the silent
tears streaming down his face as we sat in the old shack in
the woods out behind his house. My hopes, fears and desires
had become familiar acquaintances with each other, always
traveling in the same circles together.

In homeroom this day, I retold the story of our last second
victory the week before. Tommy wasn't a big sports fan, but
he could appreciate the drama of it all. I didn't tell him
about the drama before the game. I was afraid that would be
more than he could appreciate.

Through my morning classes, my mind was still captive to the
distractions that had taken it hostage. I knew I couldn't
drift like this forever, but I was powerless to stop it at
the moment. Maybe it was showing on my face too because I
had noticed an odd stare or two from people who otherwise
never looked my way at all. I could have sworn I even heard
a giggle pointed in my direction after some mumbled
whispers. I had managed to walk the school grounds in
virtual stealth mode before and the new attention struck me
as alarming. Maybe my newfound celebrity as a basketball
`star' was responsible, but deep within me; I feared it was
something else.

As usual, Tommy and I sat together at lunch waiting for
Chris to show up.

"Tommy, tell me everything you know about Jay Henson."

I guess the question seemed out of place and a curious look
came over him. "I think you already know he's a loner.
Nobody I know has really ever talked to him. Even in middle
school, he was so quiet and shy. I've never said more than
two words to him myself."

"What about his parents?"

"He lives with his mom. She's always been real quiet like
him. I don't think he really has a dad or at least not one
that's ever shown up around here. He doesn't have any
brothers or sisters."

The wheels in my mind were churning. "How old is his mom?"

"She's a lot younger than my mom. I don't really know but
she must have had him when she was pretty young. She works
at one of the factories in town. They're pretty poor, I
guess. They just keep mostly to themselves."

Now, the wheels were really churning. No, it couldn't be,
could it?

"Why did Chris and Jay fight?" There were so many dots and
so few connections.

Tommy squirmed a bit before finally answering "I don't know,
Mattie. I really just don't know. Some people thought it
might have had something to do with Katie, but I just don't
know. They were all a grade above me then. Nobody has ever
seemed to care about Jay. I don't think anybody ever really
thought that Chris needed a reason...to beat him up."

"You told me somebody tipped off his dad that it was going
to happen. Somebody had to know why? Who saw it happen?"
Poor Tommy was under intense cross-examination.

"I don't think anybody saw it happen. We were in middle
school then, but they didn't fight at school. I think they
met up somewhere out in the woods. They only live about a
half a mile apart, you know?"

Yeah, I knew that all right. Seeing Jay Henson's black truck
on my first bus ride home with Chris had confirmed that much
already. The rest of this story was getting more flimsy by
the second.

"Tommy, this whole story has just never made any sense to
me. Why would they want to fight? Somebody has to know why!"

He could tell I was frustrated. I was tired of spinning in
the same circles over and over. It was important for me to
understand what happened. So many bad things seemed to
evolve from that one episode in Chris's life. His parents
had dumped him into some type of emotional rehab center
where he had spent almost a full month, including Christmas.
Chris had shown me a softer side of his emotions, but this
notion of him being so emotionally unwell fit him no better
than the label of violent. This just wasn't the same boy I
knew and loved, who had showed so much emotional strength
and so much physical restraint.

Whatever happened then had forged some bond or allegiance
within him for Katie. He said she "had really been there for
me" and he stood by her even as she was sneaking around,
kneeling in front of Ty Wilson. Chris would still be with
her now if not for me.

I remembered the pained way Chris had looked at the old
photos in his house and how it had struck me that he hadn't
been in the room that contained them for two years. Why?
What haunted him so much? I remembered how he had pulled me
away from the photos as if afraid they might hurt me too if
we lingered in their presence any longer. The smiling faces
in the photos were unfamiliar to me in real life and I
wondered if his parents had ever been those people at all.

He seemed particularly haunted by the condition of his
mother and I felt like he held himself responsible in some
way. In his most emotional time of despair he had whispered
to me "so many things are already broken" and "Everything
will never be all right. I've screwed so many things up. My
mom.." What did he mean by that? It seemed like he blamed
her slide into alcoholism on himself.

Then there was the abuse. He had simply accepted it. Did he
also feel like he `deserved' it somehow? Could he ever
believe that he deserved better?

"Mattie."

"Mattie, are you OK?" Tommy had finally roused me from my
self-induced trance.

"I'm sorry, Tommy. Sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind, as
usual. I didn't mean to give you a hard time with those
questions. There are just so many things that don't make
sense to me."

He gave me a worried look I had seen from him before.
Somewhere inside him, Tommy must have wondered why I would
choose a love that was so difficult and complicated when
choosing him would have been so easy in comparison. But we
don't really choose the ones we love this way. Love makes
that choice for us.

When Chris caught up with us, I was more than content to let
my weary mind and eyes rest on him quietly for a while. He
gave his own dramatic recount to Tommy of how I made my wild
dive for the loose ball and tossed it to him for the winning
basket. To hear him tell it, we practically had the whole
thing planned out ahead of time. Just like in fishing
stories, some creative license is assumed in such
circumstances.

Basketball practice that afternoon was preceded by an odd
moment in the locker room. An older boy I didn't know by
name had still been dressing from his last period phys-ed
class when I arrived to change for practice. He looked
unnerved by my presence and made a hasty exit shortly after
I started to undress. This was too many odd things for one
day.

Our practice was sloppy and Coach Hill was highly pissed
about it, canceling the last session rather than continue to
"put up with our shit". Though it wasn't a friction, there
was an air of separation between Jeff, Mike and Chris. I had
noticed the same on the return bus trip after the game. They
had taken sides with us in the incident with Billy Jacobs,
but I think we had tested the limits of their allegiance.
They wouldn't be the last to be tested.

With at least thirty minutes to spare before anyone would
arrive to pick us up, this was our longest period of time
alone since the night he spent at my house. It was a cold
early December night and we walked around the empty campus
buildings and found a dark secluded spot against a wall out
of sight from the maze of concrete walkways.

"Practice sucked today. Everybody seemed so flat." Chris
wasn't a happy leader at the moment. He expected more from
his team.

"Yeah, I kept noticing weird things today. Have you noticed
anything?" I hoped it was just me being paranoid, but it
wasn't.

"I'm not sure what's happening. Something is up though." I
think we both knew what it was, but we couldn't bring
ourselves to fully admit it.

There was a moment of silence between us and I used it to
listen closely for anyone who might be approaching. A
healthy amount of caution was now firmly implanted in my
brain. Reassured by the quiet and secure in our darkened
spot, I reached out and wrapped my arms around his waist and
took him into a warm embrace. My chin rested so comfortably
on its favorite spot between his neck and shoulder. His
hands went underneath my jacket and rubbed up and down the
outside of my sweatshirt, inadvertently exposing the bottom
of my lower-back to the cold air. It was so good to feel him
in my arms again even if for just a few minutes.

I whispered into his ear "I've really missed this" before
wetting my lips and kissing his neck playfully. He rotated
his neck to the side giving me better access to a soft spot
previously just outside my reach.

His cold hands moved to the front of my waist and ran
straight up the inside of my shirt, lifting it enough in the
process to deliberately expose a very taut pair of nipples
to the cold air, rolling them in unison with a thumb from
each hand and sending me lunging backwards giggling and
pulling my shirt back down.

"I'm not some little schoolgirl." I was still giggling,
sounding very much like one in the process.

"Oh, you're not? We'll have to make sure about that later."
His eyes called me back to him and I gladly obliged them. We
kissed tenderly both knowing that anything else would go
unfinished, before sliding back into the earlier embrace for
another minute. We knew better than to push our luck again
and we eased off into a relaxed lean against the old wall
and resumed our conversation.

"How much longer are you grounded?" I desperately wanted him
back in the safe refuge of our house.

"I don't even know. We're not exactly talking right now. He
didn't even ask me if we won last week." He frowned and
shrugged his shoulders in dejection.

"How's your mom?" I couldn't pretend like she didn't exist.
If he had any hope of regaining a parent, it was her. Right
now, it seemed like a long-shot at best.

His eyes dropped straight to his feet and he shook his head
slowly, barely moving it from side to side. I raised my hand
to the back of his neck and rubbed what comfort I could into
him there.

"I think about you a lot. I hope you know that." His words
were pointed to the ground as he still hadn't lifted his
eyes. Finally, he looked me straight on again and continued.
"When I'm at home, I think about you and I wish we were
together. But I don't wish you were there with me, you
know?"

He wouldn't wish that on me, or probably anyone else for
that matter, but I would be there with him every night if it
were an option rather than have him face it alone.

"Things are going to get better, Chris. We've got to keep
believing that. Someday, it'll come true." It was hard for
me to even believe it myself, but I had to stay as
optimistic as I could for him.

"I'm not so sure about that. I've got a bad feeling, Matt."
I nodded my head. We had come as close to admitting it as we
could. A cutting breeze chased us back to the gym before our
rides finally showed up and we made our ways home for the
night.

My mom always asked about Chris at every opportunity.
Between the two of us, we had the worry-market cornered. Dad
did his share of worrying too. He was going out of his way
to ask me how I was doing each day and he made sure to give
me a firm hug each night when he got home from work. I
couldn't have asked for anymore support than I had. In some
ways, I felt guilty that I couldn't share some of that
support with Chris. While I had everything, he had nothing
at all.

When sleep took me this night, I tried to reach him in my
dreams but my subconscious wouldn't cooperate. Or maybe it
was protecting me from the nightmares that more frequently
plagued me. Either way, I spent the night completely alone.

Sometimes you can just sense when bad things are about to
happen. The next morning was one of those times. The
emotional high from last week's basketball game had finally
faded. The reality of living life in a state of purgatory
had set back in. Still, there was something new brewing out
on the horizon. I couldn't see it but somehow I knew it was
there and I knew it wasn't good. The little warrior within
me stood fully alert. His time was growing near.

Mom was edgy this morning on our way to school. I wondered
if she could sense it too. It was a very grey overcast day
with a cold wind blowing out of the north. For a moment, it
reminded me of my old school back in Sausalito. We had many
grey days there this time of year, but none this cold.

My first clue was very early in the day. Walking through the
courtyard I noticed another odd stare or two. Was I just
being paranoid? Something felt different.

My second clue sent shockwaves running right through my
soul. Tommy was giving me a look like I had died. It all
suddenly felt very surreal to me and I wondered if I was
still in a dream and this was some twisted dream-state
funeral where I was being paraded through the school grounds
for all to pay their last respects. He picked up the
disturbance in my face and for the first time in our
friendship, Tommy Johnson looked away from me. Stunned, I
collapsed into my seat in front of him and pondered exactly
what was happening here. The light pat on my shoulder told
me he had caught himself. I turned in my seat and picked up
his eyes again; they seemed to be sending both apology and
condolences.

The cold grey wind blowing over our little campus today was
also a foul wind of rumor. I clinched my teeth and silently
shook my head in regret. The rumor had the added potency of
truth and I knew it couldn't be stopped. It could have come
from Jeff or Mike, though I found that hard to accept. I had
the greater suspicion that the fruits of our victory over
Billy Jacobs had quickly spoiled into the rotten payback of
retribution.

Was Chris feeling it too and how would he handle it?
Suddenly, a haunting voice spoke inside my head, pulling an
old memory from the archives for added terror: "Matthew,
there's not much that goes on at that school that I don't
know about. You remember that." Oh fuck! Now I was nearing a
full-blown panic. Other words from Coach Briggs also filled
my head. "Pansies and degenerates."

I closed my eyes and tried to block out everything that was
now rushing through my mind but it just wasn't possible.
Homeroom was over and I thought of walking to the school
office and calling my mom to come and get me. It wasn't a
lie to claim I was sick because nausea had in fact taken me
over. Just off the main walkway, I leaned hard against the
cold red-brick wall and tried to gather myself. More eyes
were finding me and staying with me longer. I found myself
gasping for breath and the desire to run to the office and
make that call was now almost overwhelming.

Two things stopped me and the first took me by complete
surprise. It was just a simple nod but there was previously
unseen understanding in Jay Henson's eyes. As he moved on
from my view, I spotted Chris off in the distance. I could
see the strain on his face and I knew I couldn't leave him
here alone. We were in this together, for better or worse.
His eyes met mine and we locked worried stares. I realized I
was still leaning hard on the side of the building and I
stood straight up to at least give him some indication that
I was OK. He smiled very faintly but the smile couldn't
break completely through the concern.

It turns out that my misery had more company than I
realized. Katie Barnes was a lonely figure now days. Her
break up with Chris had led to her dismissal by the shrewd
king-in-waiting Ty Wilson. Without a cover, he simply wasn't
willing to risk his social fortunes for the girl who lived
in a trailer. Her fall from grace had exiled her from the
exclusive circle of friends she had so coveted. Based on the
dark expression on her face, she had taken it all pretty
hard and was searching her own soul for the answers. I
couldn't escape the irony of our fates. Finally, I felt
genuine sympathy for her.

I tried to find some courage within me and took what little
I could from my experiences of the past year. Only twelve
months ago, I was a very lonely and sad boy roaming the
hallways of my middle school in Sausalito. No one really
bothered me because no one seemed to even know I was there.
With a change of locations and introduction to new friends,
my life had now changed so much for the better. No matter
how painful these struggles would become, I would rather be
in them with my friends than in no fight at all and all
alone. Just as my location had changed this past year, it
would change again in a few more years. High school wasn't
forever after all, but it might as well be today. The
question of the moment was who would still be my friend?

In truth, I had seen some of this coming for the last two
days. I just didn't want to believe what I saw. You can
always notice when people look at you differently. To have
one person do it isn't noteworthy, but I had noticed it at
least three times over the past two days. A sporadic
outbreak of whispers and stares had now become a full
epidemic.

When I entered the cafeteria for lunch, I couldn't bear to
look across the floor full of tables. Too many narrowed eyes
and too many whispers were seated there. There was no sign
yet of Chris or Tommy and I sat down alone at our normal
table along the outer perimeter. Tommy was first to enter
and I saw him glance in my general direction as he went
through the line. My heart was starting to pound
uncontrollably at the mere thought of his rejection. Tray in
hand, Tommy made his approach and I breathed rapidly with
each step he took. My Tommy never flinched and when he took
his seat beside me I had to cover my face for fear of
everyone seeing me leaking tears.

"Mattie, they never liked me anyway. Let them say what they
want. I don't give a shit."

"Tommy, I don't want to drag you into this. It's not fair to
you. It's not your fight."

I couldn't have produced a more sour reaction on his face if
I had tried. Of all the things I could have said, this
seemed to hurt him the most.

"Mattie, if it's your fight then it's my fight too. No
matter what, you can count on me because I'm on your side. I
told you this already, you know."

I couldn't help by chuckle just a bit. There was nothing
funny here; it was just so relieving to hear him say it
again. I still didn't know if Tommy was gay. I knew that he
liked me and I knew I wouldn't be able to shield him from my
fight.

"I know, Tommy." The look of appreciation in my eyes said
the rest.

Across the way, I noticed one lonely set of eyes watching us
but they weren't casting any accusations. Katie looked down
quickly when she noticed the return of my stare. I imagine
she wished she had a good `low-life' friend like Tommy right
now.

Chris was running a little late and I was growing concerned.
I couldn't really blame him if he ditched on lunch, but a
part of me would be very disheartened. Everyone would now be
watching us and looking for confirmations to the rumors. It
might be easier for both of us just to not be seen together
at all.

Just then, the face I had been watching for entered the
cafeteria. Ten minutes earlier, I had entered with my eyes
lowered and my shoulders no doubt a bit slumped. Chris was
going to have none of that approach. He reached up and re-
tucked his baseball cap, but his eyes and chin stayed high
and he seemed to be making his own silent statement to the
lowered whispers and stares that filled the room. I glanced
around watching the other kids watch him. Several of them
were shooting each other surprised glances. I don't know
what they (or I) had been expecting, but they weren't
getting any apologies from him. I had seen this look from
him before and it was communicating the same thing it had
told to Jeff Billups during our pre-game run-in with Billy
Jacobs. The look said `you better stand with me on this
one'. Not everyone would, but Chris wasn't going to let them
off easy.

His boldness only made me love and admire him more. It also
made me want him more in the ways I hadn't had him yet. One
thing was for sure; I was completely and totally his. If he
wasn't going to back down, then I damn sure wasn't going to
either. The day that started with me wanting to run home
into the arms of my mother was starting to take on a
different feel.

Why should we let them define us? Only we could give them or
lend them that power. How would they define us anyway? They
might be able to make their normal garden-variety insults
stick to just me, but Chris would quite obviously define
himself. Some of his first words of courage came back to me.
"Don't show him any fear." He wasn't going to show any of
them any fear.

Given the right opportunity, the truly good people and your
true friends will normally do the right thing. As Chris
exited the line and started across the floor, Jeff Billups
and Mike Rogers stopped him. When Jeff extended his hand, I
could almost read the words from his lips. I could
definitely make out the words "I know" coming from Chris's
lips. At least, now I could feel confident that the betrayal
of trust hadn't come from within our own teammates. This
gesture from Jeff and Mike wouldn't change the rest of the
school and it didn't even mean that they agreed with us, but
they didn't oppose us and that was enough for now. Looking
around the room, there were plenty who would oppose us. Of
most concern was the particularly disdainful look on the
face of our junior king Ty Wilson.

Ty likely knew he wasn't the best athlete at our school just
as he likely knew that Chris was. Ty was a stand-out on a
mediocre football team. Basketball was below him somehow, so
he didn't play. Every school has a Ty Wilson; our version
was highly skilled at being shrewd and manipulative. I
thought back to his reaction to Katie's tears of guilt in
the auditorium that day and how he had so masterfully
maneuvered his cock between her quivering lips. Sensitivity
wasn't very high on his list of personal traits. I think he
took sinister pleasure in knowing that it was Chris's so-
called girlfriend that had serviced him so well and for so
long. I wondered if it was even possible that some of
Katie's appeal to him had been lost when she broke up with
Chris. I definitely didn't want me or Chris to wind up in
his crosshairs. There was too much potential trouble there.

Chris finally joined Tommy and me at our table. I had never
told him that Tommy knew about me. I also hadn't had a
chance to tell him that I had come out to my parents. Aside
from our brief time after practice the day before, we had no
personal time together to have these types of long intimate
conversations.

"Hey, Tommy." Chris nodded to him. "You sure you want to be
sitting with us today?"

Again, Tommy looked hurt and he turned his eyes to me after
they had sufficiently scolded Chris. I jumped in.

"Chris, he knows. He's known for a while now. Known about
me, I mean."

This was uncomfortable for me. I had tried to protect Tommy
from any intimate details that might hurt him. Still, I had
turned to him in my times of need as a friend. I had tried
to respect Chris's own privacy and feelings. I had never
discussed with anyone whether he was gay, bi or any other
label. I didn't want him to think I was talking about him
behind his back, but Tommy wasn't blind about what was going
on.

"Man, this is so fucked up and it's all my fault." Chris
turned to me with anguish and regret in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Matt. I'm really sorry." He could put up a good
front for the crowd, but he didn't need any fronts with me.
The raw emotions were always just under the surface.

I think Tommy felt like he was intruding on a private moment
and he stood up ready to leave and give us some space.

"Where the fuck are you going?" Chris startled him with the
question.

"I thought...maybe you needed some privacy....to talk."
Tommy stammered his reply.

"I trust you Tommy. Besides, it's too late for privacy. The
whole fucking school is talking about us already. You might
as well hear the truth at least. Sit down. Please."

Tommy obliged and took his seat again. Though rough around
the edges, Chris had given him a welcome endorsement.

"Chris, what are people saying, exactly?" I still didn't
know, though I could imagine.

"They're saying we got caught making out. That little pussy
Billy Jacobs spread it around. I was afraid this was going
to happen but I didn't think it would happen so fast." He
paused, removing and then re-tucking his cap again,
fidgeting with it nervously.

"Can't we just deny it? I mean, nobody knows what happened."
My words were just a gut reaction but I knew better.

"We could deny it." Chris acknowledged the possibility, but
then resolve retook his face. "But we're not going to. Fuck
`em! Let them believe what they want. We don't have to deny
anything and we don't have to admit to it either. It's none
of their damn business and no one is going to come right out
and ask about it. Let them whisper and look all they want
to. Jeff and Mike are the only ones who probably know for
sure, but they won't talk to anyone about it."

"But Chris..What about your dad? I'm really worried he's
going to find out. That scares me more than anything else.
What would he do?"

This was my deepest fear. What would he do? By the look on
his face, it was Chris's deepest fear too. I was sure he had
thought of this already, but hearing me say it seemed to
bring the fear much closer to reality for him. The resolve
in his face quickly melted into despair and dread. Maybe he
hadn't thought about this yet. Maybe he couldn't bring
himself to think about it. It took him a couple minutes to
finally reply.

"I'll tell him it's just a big lie that Billy Jacobs told to
get back at us for kicking their ass. I can't tell him the
truth, Matt. I just can't." There was definitely fear in his
eyes now.

"Hell, I don't want you to tell him the truth. I was afraid
that you might, though."

"Why did you think that?" Disbelief was on his face.

"I'm just scared, Chris. You seem so strong about all of
this. I watched you when you came in the cafeteria. I could
tell you weren't going to take any shit from anybody."

"I'm not going to take any shit from anybody in here, but my
dad's a different story. He might..." I could see his chest
rising and falling more rapidly now and his face was
contorted with fear and concern. Tears were trying to form
in the corners of his eyes.

"Oh fuck..I've got to get out of here!" He couldn't make eye
contact with me. There was too much there he didn't want me
to see. He stood quickly and took the nearest way out of the
cafeteria, leaving me and Tommy exchanging startled looks.

Chris was only human and he carried a burden in this that I
didn't have. He had lived here his whole life and people
knew him. People knew his family too, even though they
weren't particularly well liked. My own family had no roots
here and whatever we feared, we didn't fear what others
would think of us. I didn't carry any pressure in this from
my parents. Chris was practically carrying the weight of the
world, or at least of the South, on his strong shoulders. At
this moment, it was more weight than he could bear.

As I stepped outside the cafeteria to find him, something
new and unusual hit me, literally. Pellets of sleet had
started falling from the darkening grey sky and were now
bouncing all over the walkway. We didn't get sleet or snow
in Sausalito, California. The moderating temperature of the
Pacific Ocean just wouldn't allow it so close to shore at
sea level. An amazing thing happens when it sleets or snows
in the South; the entire community mobilizes in an effort to
get the hell home as quickly as possible. The morning's
rumor-mill had been temporarily shutdown by the gleeful
reaction to this sudden storm.

I found him stopped along the same route he had taken an
earlier day on his way to the baseball field dugout. On that
day, I had found his trust for the first time and he had
opened up and shared himself with me as a true friend. As I
approached him, my mind reflected on how far we had come and
just how little I knew about him on that earlier day. This
time, the weather had made him pause and he stood in the
back of the gym looking out the back door at the quickly
accumulating sleet.

"They'll send us home soon." He said very flatly. Going home
was always better later than sooner for him. He leaned
forward and rested the top of his head against the glass
window inside the door frame. Again, his stare had dropped
to his feet and the lid of his baseball cap was pressing
down over his eyes.

I wanted to grab him and hold him but I feared our exposure
would do much more harm than good. Instead, I just called
out to him softly. "Chris."

"I don't know if I can do it, Matt. I'm not sure I can go
back home." He was nearing a breaking point and I didn't
know what to say. I knew I couldn't let him go like this.

"Don't. Don't go home. Come home with me." The idea sounded
dangerous, but suddenly everything sounded dangerous. I
couldn't let him go home like this. Whatever had happened in
his past was still eating away at him, somewhere deep inside
him. We had never talked about it but I had to try and reach
him.

"I'm calling my mom and she'll come pick us up. Go home with
me." I was right beside him now and had my left hand on his
shoulder. "Just go home with me."

"My dad will freak out Matt."

"You can't keep doing this, Chris! I know you're not telling
me everything. I know you're trying to protect me from
knowing somehow. But I already know and I can't bear to
watch you just take this over and over again." I was
pleading through the tears now running down my face. I was
at my breaking point too.

His eyes rose up to me. It was all laid open for him to see.
The love, hope, fear and desire were all intermingled into
one tormented face.

"Oh, Matt. Don't, please don't. I love you too much to see
you cry like that for me."

The boy I loved more than anything in the world had just
told me he loved me too. I had convinced myself that I
didn't need to hear it. It was a lie that I had believed
until this moment, for now I realized just how much it meant
to me to hear him say it. He had seen me cry before. It was
hard not to see me cry since it seemed like I was always
doing it. The first time had been when I first silently
admitted in my own heart that I loved him. Then it was a
single disobedient tear that streamed down my face, but he
saw it and I think he knew even then. This time, the same
deep spring of emotions had revealed the true depth of my
love for him and in turn confirmed his love for me.

"Call your mom, Matt. If the weather eases off, I'll need to
get back home later tonight. He's going to be really pissed,
but I don't care anymore. He's always really pissed, so
what's the difference. I just can't go there right now. I
just can't."

I didn't want him to ever go back but I knew it wasn't that
simple. If I only helped pull him back from the edge a bit,
that would be victory enough for today.

My mom came as quickly as she could. Most of the afternoon
appointments at her office had started to cancel anyway.
There was already a line of cars building as parents were
rushing to pick up their kids before the roads got too bad.
School buses were lining up too. A full scale evacuation was
in order. All because of a half inch of sleet. The weather
did seem to be worsening and the sleet kept coming down
heavier and heavier. Chris had made sure to avoid his dad
but he also made sure he knew where his dad was so he could
stay well out of his sight. Whatever his latest scheme was,
I didn't want to know. Teachers had to stay until the school
grounds had cleared, so his dad wasn't going anywhere for a
while yet.

Chris slid into the back seat and stayed tucked into the
corner. I saw my mom's eyes narrow and I'm sure she was onto
us, but she stayed in character and we all relaxed a bit
once we were safely out of view of the school. She was being
very quiet and a couple of looks she cut my way confirmed
that she was definitely onto us. The looks I cut back at her
confirmed for her that this was more along the lines of a
prison escape and not a bank robbery getaway. Granted, it
was all moral grey area but life is lived in shades of grey,
not in black and white.

The roads were very drivable but the sleet had continued to
pelt down for over an hour now. The landscape was
appropriately turning grey. Snow would have been much
prettier, but sleet was supposedly a more common weather
phenomenon here. Mom said it was supposed to end as snow
later tonight, so some hope for a white topping still
existed.

We got home around two o'clock in the afternoon. My mom
quickly pulled me aside in the house and just stared at me
for an explanation. No verbal question was necessary.

"It's important, mom! I can't explain everything right now
because it would take too long, but trust me, it's
important. It's very important."

I could dodge my way around the truth on most things if push
came to shove. But on the most important things, I had
always tried to tell the truth; maybe not always the full
truth and maybe not always as soon as I should have, but
sooner or later, the truth. My mom took me on faith that
whatever she had become an accomplice to, was worth the
risk.

"Chris, are you all right?" Maybe it was the way she asked
it. My mom had a way of delivering a question. Maybe it had
been so long since his own mom had bothered or been able to
ask, but the question hit Chris hard.

His face crumbled and he slowly shook his head no. My mom
went into full mothering mode and gave Chris a big motherly
hug of support. I had experienced this hug many times and my
mother's touch possessed great healing powers that
communicated love and caring better than anyone. I left him
in her good hands and went down to the basement to see if it
was tolerable. It wasn't. It was very cold down there since
we didn't have the heat turned up. I turned the heat way up
and went back upstairs.

"Mom, the basement is freezing. I turned the heat up and
we're going to be in my room for a while. OK?" My look told
her we needed some time alone to talk.

"Did you boys get a chance to eat lunch?" Always the mother.

"Yeah, we're fine mom. We'll be back down after while."

I lead Chris upstairs to the warm confines of my room. He
watched my hand turn the door-lock before his eyes met mine
again. Looking out the window, we could see that the sleet
was still coming down hard and there was now a solid coat of
pellets covering the driveway. It wasn't deep enough to
cover the grass and the green tips protruded from the
surrounding grey making for an unfashionable clash of
colors.

"Your mom is so great. I really like her, Matt." He looked
so sad and then he continued. "My mom used to be more like
her. She was never as cool as your mom, though." His voice
was soft and it wasn't easy for him to talk about her. This
was the most he had said to me about his mother. He had
opened up to my dad, but they had something in common here.

My room wasn't huge. Besides my bed, there was only a chair
by a small desk with my computer. I led Chris over to the
bed and we both sat there.

"When did she start to change, Chris?" I had tried to ask
this some time ago with no success. This time, he had
brought up the subject and I hoped to learn if he actually
felt responsible for her slide.

"My mom has always fought with alcohol, but she had been
better for a long time, until I got so screwed up a couple
years ago."

His lips were quivering. That time in his life had been the
unapproachable subject between us but I had to tear down
that wall. It was the wall keeping a part of him captive
inside; a part that I had to free somehow. He tilted his
head away from me. There was embarrassment and shame in his
eyes and he couldn't bear for me to see it. I kicked off my
shoes and slid up the bed, resting my back against the head-
board and I gently tugged at his arm guiding him into a
sitting position in front of me on the bed, with my legs
extended around the outside of his. I placed a pillow behind
my back for extra cushion against the bed-framing and then I
leaned us both in a more comfortable tilt backwards. His
face was shielded from me now and I wrapped my arms around
his chest from behind and snuggled my chin into his neck. I
had made myself into the outline of a human couch for him.

"Chris, can you tell me what happened? Nothing you tell me
would ever make me love you any less. You know that, don't
you?"

He responded by first extending his hands down each side of
my outstretched legs. "I was in an institution, Matt. My
parents put me there because my dad thought I was crazy.
Maybe I was crazy or maybe I still am for all I know."

I wondered if this was where the betrayal began. I was
convinced that there were in fact crazy people living in
Chris's house, but he wasn't one of them.

"Just talk to me." I whispered it in his ear and wiggled my
nose and lips back into the side of his neck giving him much
unspoken reassurance.

"They said I beat up Jay Henson so bad I almost killed him.
Funny thing is I can't remember any of it. I've tried, but
it's just not there. The doctors said I was in denial about
it. The more they talked to me, the crazier I felt. I still
can't believe I did that to him. They said I must have just
snapped and then blocked it out of my memory. I got so
depressed while I was there. The longer I stayed, the worse
I felt. They gave me a lot of drugs. They even gave me shock
treatment, Matt. I guess I must have been really fucked up.
I had never been depressed before. It just scared me so bad
and I didn't think I belonged there."

I had no idea. I knew there were great depths to the
suffering during this part of his life, but I had no idea
just how deep they had been entrenched by this experience.
Chris wasn't `crazy'. That much I believed not just with all
my heart but with all my intellect as well. I was no
psychiatrist, but considering all that he faced now in his
life, how could anyone have been more stable or more
restrained. It didn't make sense to me and I refused to
believe it.

"Chris, do you even remember why you were going to fight
Jay?"

"We weren't going to fight. Why did you think that?"

I hesitated, partly out of surprise and mostly out of
confusion.

"Well, the talk is that you two were going to fight and
someone tipped off your dad about it."

There was a long silence. It dawned on me that he might not
know what the `talk' was about his own past. This wasn't the
type of thing that people discussed to your face. He hadn't
had a true best friend before me to discuss this with.
Surely, Katie had told him some of this at some point along
the way.

"That's what people say?" His shaking head dislodged my chin
from its resting place.

"We never intended to fight. I do know at least that much.
We got to be friends over that summer. Nobody really knew
that though, I guess. Katie was always clinging all over me
when school came back in that summer. You were the first
friend that she didn't chase or scare away."

If he only knew the full truth on that one, but I could
understand how the presence of Katie had made Chris less
approachable by anyone not up to her social standards.
Ironically, she had more in common with Jay than she had
with her chosen friends.

Chris continued. "I knew Katie would give me a hard time and
he was so quiet, we just never hung out at school. Plus, my
dad had always told me to stay away from him because he was
trouble.  If I heard that once, I bet I heard it a thousand
times while I was growing up. He said Jay was all into drugs
and stuff. That was a bunch of bullshit though. Jay wasn't
into any of that shit. He was only fourteen when we started
hanging out that summer. I'm a few months younger than him.
Even though we had always gone to school together, I had
never talked to him. We ran across each other deep out in
the woods behind my house one day that summer. He was out
with his dog just walking around. There wasn't much else to
do around here during the summer. Hell, I was doing the same
thing. His dog came over and started sniffing me all over
and we laughed about it. I realized he was an OK guy. I
don't know what my dad's problem was, but then I never do."

"So you two kept hanging out some together after school? I
mean, you're practically neighbors, at least by country
standards."

"Yeah, we got sort of close." He didn't seem sure he wanted
to elaborate on that. I decided to help him along.

"What do you mean close? Like really good friends?"

Chris pulled my legs into a knee-bend on each side of him
and hooked an arm around each of my knees pulling me tighter
into him.

"Matt, we were kind of curious about certain things. Please
don't be hurt by me saying that. I mean I didn't even know
you then." He tugged at me tighter still and I responded
with a soft kiss to the side of his neck.

In a strange way, it did hurt me a little even though my
intellect told me it was silly to feel that way. It is
strange how sometimes the mind can't convince the heart,
just like sometimes the heart can't convince the mind. This
was two years ago and I was still three thousand miles from
even meeting Chris for the first time. At least now, I
understood the odd bond between myself and Jay better. I
still didn't understand why Chris had hurt him and it
puzzled me that he didn't know either. There was nothing in
his words about Jay that indicated any menace or violence.

"The old shack, right?" I had noticed his hesitation when we
had entered it together that rainy day. That was the day
that changed our relationship and a day that would change my
life forever. I had entered that old shack in doubt and with
my own hesitation of heart. It was the first time I stood up
for Chris and let him know how much he meant to me. It had
been the genesis of everything that had happened since
between us. When I stepped out of the old shack that day, I
had a mission and purpose in life. I still hadn't won back
the life of the boy I loved, but I was still bound to die
trying if necessary.

"You knew, huh?" I couldn't see his eyes, but I could
imagine.

"I knew there was something about that shack. I never
guessed anything about you and Jay though."

"I just don't know what happened. We must have been fighting
because I wound up knocked out. I still can't remember much
about it, but small bits and pieces flash into my mind
sometimes. I just can't make the pieces fit together."

"What are the bits and pieces?"

"We were at the shack fooling around. Then the next thing I
can remember is opening my eyes and seeing a blurry flash of
Jay lying face down on the ground outside the shack. He
wasn't moving. I was lying on my side just a few feet from
him and my head was bleeding. I couldn't keep my eyes open
and I passed out. Later, I can recall seeing a sheriff's
deputy talking to my dad. I thought I was floating just
above the ground, but I was in a stretcher and just didn't
realize it yet. I faded back out as they put me in the
ambulance. Sometime before the hospital, I opened my eyes
again and could see Jay lying across from me in the
ambulance. That's the last thing I can remember. It's taken
a while to remember all of that. The pieces don't come in
order, they just pop in and I have to place them wherever
they seem to fit."

He took a long pause. It had to be traumatic just to recall
it all again. He really didn't understand what had happened.
His own memory wouldn't give him enough clues to make sense
of it all.

"There was never anything real serious between us, OK? You
need to understand that. I liked Jay but we were never in
love or anything like that."

"Chris, don't worry about what I think. I told you, nothing
you say is going to make me love you any less. I just want
to know what happened so I can try and help you. I don't
want any secrets between us."

"I've never talked to anybody about this before, Matt. It's
hard to say some of it out loud, even to you and I feel like
I could tell you anything. A part of me wants to hide it
from you so it won't chase you away. More than anything, I'm
afraid I might hurt you somehow because I still don't know
why I hurt Jay."

"I trust you with my life and I believe in you. You would
never hurt me that way. I don't believe you could hurt
anyone that way." I didn't believe it. In order to believe
it, I had to deny everything else I now knew about him. I
just wouldn't do it anymore.

He leaned out from my chest creating enough separation to
turn his head and look me squarely in the eyes now. His eyes
were wet, but there was new energy in them. He had taken
renewed encouragement from my belief in him. His eyes moved
to my lips and he made a slow ascent to reach for them with
his own. I met him half way and we locked in a long exchange
that pulled us both away from the fears and trials of this
day.

Pulling back just barely enough to speak, he said "I don't
want to think about it anymore right now. Please."

He had opened up and shared so much. He trusted me and he
loved me. I didn't want him to think about it anymore
either. I just wanted him to find some place of calm and
happiness, beyond the reach of his dad or the old memories
that haunted him. At least I had the foresight to lock the
door this time.

I closed his lips with my own again and we resumed our
exchange. I loved the taste of him. Our tongues wrestled for
control but neither wanted to subdue the other. I moved my
mouth off of his and worked my way into a favored spot just
between where his cheekbone ended and his ear began, before
returning back to his lips for more. I could never get
enough of this. My hands were rubbing his chest and stomach,
but I couldn't feel him. This had to change and I hooked the
bottom of his shirt and pulled it up towards his head. He
was enjoying a special moment with my bottom lip and took an
extra second before giving me just enough space to pull the
shirt completely over his head and tossing it to the side.
Finally, my hands had full access to his warm, soft skin.

He groaned lightly as my fingers brushed over his nipples
and swerved to the sides, then pressing up on his firm pecs
and coming all the way to the top of his shoulders and
rubbing deeply into them. When my hands started their next
descent, he turned his head out and stretched back out into
me with his head and chest. With his face pointed away, it
gave me access to new places on the side and back of his
neck and my mouth tenderly explored each inch of him there.
His back had bowed and he was pressing his torso into my
hands, his body begging me for more. My right hand segued
down to his right thigh, and then moved back up through the
center hooking his excitement and grasping it through his
jeans. I felt him shiver at the contact but again I felt
frustrated by the restriction of the material between us.

My left arm was extended around him, giving my left hand
roaming access to his belly and chest. My left thumb toggled
playfully at his outie belly button and he released a
shivered breath with a hint of laughter to it. My right hand
was dexterously unhooking the top button of his jeans before
pinching the zipper and sending it down in a screaming fury.
I found myself thinking `slow down' but this only applied to
my motions. I had no intention of stopping now. My eyes were
still closed and I was completely wrapped up in the warmth
my lips had found on the right side of his neck and
shoulder. Still, my lips needed more feedback and my left
hand reached up to tilt his mouth back to an angle that
allowed me to wrap over it again.

This all made for the perfect physical expression my
emotions had been looking for. When my soul was joyous it
found expression through laughter. When my soul was filled
with pain or despair it found expression through my tears.
Now my soul was filled with love and it found its own
expression through the pleasure my body was extracting from
Chris.

My right hand wrapped around his arousal and made skin-to-
skin contact through the loose buttons at the front of his
boxer-briefs. The hand quickly released several buttons and
tried to wrangle him through the opening. The cloth strained
from the pulling and pushing but ultimately the dimensions
just wouldn't accommodate his escape. Finally, I gave up and
slid my hand around and under the elastic band before
securing him in my grasp. Our kiss was interrupted as the
sheer pleasure of the feeling convulsed him into leaning his
head straight back once again, his face pointed skyward. My
right hand was not use to the generous proportions it was
now holding and it pulled him free of the cloth and out into
to the open air to share the new experience with my eyes.
Knowing he was exposed, they focused on him in full glory
for the very first time. The sight of him like this
propelled my own arousal against the constraints of my jeans
and into the bow in his back. Feeling it there, he let his
weight back down against me and maneuvered the small of his
back for maximum effect.

I watched him intently, pawing him up and down with long
strokes. It was far too short a time before he tightened and
I could almost hear his teeth clinch as he tried to suppress
the volume of his pleasure. He must have sensed the rising
force about to project from him as he placed his open hand a
few inches in front to deflect the launch. He held his hand
there as a shield for several seconds and the pool
collecting on his belly told me it was a good thing he did.

Afterward, I continued to kiss him playfully on the neck for
a minute or two. My first feelings were a mixture of relief,
excitement and joy. I was happy to have achieved this with
him but maybe even more relieved that I was able to perform
at least in this basic way. Excitement was definitely still
with me but I wasn't interested in reciprocation right now.
The feeling of joy at knowing that Chris had this emotional
and physical release was plenty of reciprocation for me.

I wiggled myself free and got a towel to clean him off with.
He wasn't able to move for fear of leaking himself all over
the bed. I sat back on the bed beside him and when he had
finished his eyes turned up to me. He reached out and pulled
me down to him and kissed me deeply again and I felt his own
hand roaming across my belly.

"I'm OK, Chris." I sat back up and gave him a satisfied
smile.

"No way. I could tell you were pretty worked up too." He
paused somewhat confused. "Is something wrong?" Now he
looked concerned.

"No, it couldn't be better. I don't think anything could top
the way I feel right now. I just want to let it settle in,
you know?" My words drew a look of amusement and surprise
from him.

"So that was all just for me?"

"No. I promise you it was for me too. I got as much out of
it as you did, probably even more. It means so much to me to
see you happy like this right now. So really, it was for
both of us."

He responded with a last tender kiss and the words "You're
too good to me, Matt."

"No Chris, you `deserve' it."

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Author's Note / January 4th, 2003:

The remaining two installments will conclude the current
storyline. Afterwards, I plan to take a few weeks off to
work on re-writing Part 1 along with a few corrections in
the other parts before finally reposting them all. At this
point, I'm officially undecided on whether the story will
continue beyond the current storyline. I will continue the
story only if I think I can do so in a meaningful way that
the readers will both enjoy and respect.

Again, I want to stop and say a heart-felt thank you to
every single one of you who have responded to this story. I
can never adequately express the amount of appreciation I
have for you all. Through your encouragement and
reassurances, this story has truly become `ours'. I no
longer feel that it's honest to simply call it my own. I
haven't accepted any plot suggestions, but there is no doubt
that the motivation supplied by your response has elevated
this story above the limits of my natural writing abilities.

I can also no longer honestly say that this story represents
the only true documented expression of how I really feel
about myself and the world around me. My inbox is a constant
source of education for me and my replies to you have
allowed me to realize things about myself that had
previously escaped my observation. Again, please accept a
sincere thank you!

I still truly enjoy corresponding with you and hope that you
continue to communicate your response to me. I do promptly
reply to all emails and welcome the chance to make new
friends.

Please keep the responses coming, positive or otherwise:
ehman_penn@yahoo.com

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