Date: Sat, 16 Aug 2003 21:36:14 -0400
From: Ehman Penn <ehman@ehmanpenn.com>
Subject: Matthew Figures It Out - Part 21

This story is a fictional account of the lives, loves and
struggles of teenage boys. Don't read it if there's any
chance that doing so might send you or the author to jail.
This story is also copyrighted by the author and cannot be
altered, reproduced, or hosted without his consent. Please
direct all feedback to: ehman@ehmanpenn.com

*****************************

Matthew Figures It Out - Chapter 21 'No Goodbyes'


The days that followed were not happy ones. The extra
sentiment provided by the Christmas season only seemed to
deepen the sadness and frustration. And the busy work of
preparing for the move kept Chris and Matt apart most of
their last few days - a fact that drove Matt delirious with
aggravation and did little for Chris's emotional well-being
either. Peggy Briggs had taken new interest in making sure
Chris had plenty to keep him distracted from Matt and away
from the Jordan house.

Matt had spoken with Chris several times by phone but there
was little to say. Neither boy could avoid the obvious and
all the normal subjects of small-talk lost relevance in the
bigger picture of things.

Tommy's calls to Matt had provided some momentary
distraction from the despair. Tommy, as always, was the
faithful friend and he was shocked and worried with the
revelation of Chris's move away; worried for Matt, worried
for Chris, and worried for the impending return to school
after the Christmas break.

On Christmas Eve morning, Chris made the journey back
through the woods and over to Jay's house. Jay's black truck
was sharing space with his mother's car. Chris hadn't
thought about her being home but he didn't have enough time
left to be choosey about his appointments. His knock brought
the appearance of a woman much younger than he had imagined.
Susan Henson had only been in her early twenties when the
much elder Robert Briggs had consummated their affair,
resulting in the unwelcome conception of Jay.

Susan didn't open the door and the expression on her face
was ghostly. Chris shared many of his father's better
physical features and it was simply more than she could
bear. She quickly disappeared and Jay soon came outside to
meet his brother.

Jay wasn't unhappy to see Chris, but he was a little
disturbed to see his mother shaken.

Chris opened, "I'm sorry. I was going to call you first, but
there's no number listed."

"It's OK. She's always kind of nervous," Jay replied.

"I was running out of time and I wanted to come by and talk
with you again before we left." Chris was getting a little
ahead of himself and Jay responded with a confused look.

"Mom's selling the house. We're moving up to Virginia to
live with Melanie. We're leaving in three days." Chris held
eye contact with Jay long enough to see a wince on his face.

"When did all this happen?" Jay asked.

"It's something that mom and Mel decided last week. Mom's
still pretty sick...Shit, she's a fucking drunk, all right? I
mean that's the truth! She's doing a little better now
that..." He paused and looked up at Jay. It was still hard
for Chris to say "dad" in his presence. ".now that it's just
us, but Mel doesn't think mom can take care of herself. I
don't think she can either. And we're poor-ass broke because
of hospital bills and shit I don't even understand."

"Well, I'm sorry about your mom." Jay was sorry for more
than this. Chris was more than just his brother; he was his
most immediate prospect for a real friend. Jay had told
himself he didn't need friends, but he was honest enough
with himself to know that was really just what people who
didn't have any friends told themselves to feel better.
Chris had been a friend, briefly, before the shack incident.
Now it seemed he was destined to become just distant family.

"I'm not happy about leaving. I can tell you that."

"I imagine there's someone else not real happy about it
either." Jay's thought of Matt brought a confirming nod from
Chris.

"This is so fucked up. I hate it, Jay." Chris looked down as
he spoke, his head shaking convincingly from side to side
and his right foot pawing a significant dent into the gravel
driveway.

"It is fucked up," Jay replied. There wasn't much else to
say.

"I heard that the D.A. finally decided to not file charges.
That's a big relief." Chris felt the relief too. A trial
would have affected everyone involved.

"Yeah, he took his sweet time about it. My poor mom was
worried sick by the time we finally found out."

"Maybe people will let it go now. I don't know though."
Chris added.

"Not that I really give a shit, but people are looking at me
really funny. Like they think I'm going to snap and shoot
them or something. I had a couple weeks worth of work lined
up during the Christmas break, and they called me and said
they didn't need me after all. They should have just been
honest and said they didn't `want' me after all."

"Fuck `em. There's so many hypocrites around here. I won't
miss that part." But there was plenty Chris would miss and
it was obvious in his body language and on his face.

"I was wondering if I could ask you for a couple of favors."
Chris finally got around to asking.

Jay gave him a curious, but reassuring look.

Chris continued. "Well, my uncles took all of the beagles,
except for Maggy. She was always more mine than dad's
anyway.I was wondering if you would be willing to take her
for me?"

"She'd probably like to go with you to Virginia." Jay
replied.

"Mel has an apartment in the city. I don't think Maggy would
fit in there any better than I will. If you don't want her,
I understand. She's getting sort of old and she was still,
technically, dad's dog. You might not want her just because
of that. I wouldn't blame you for it." Chris looked away,
then back at Jay again waiting for his answer.

Jay's eyes grabbed Chris and held his attention. "Chris, we
shouldn't hold that against her, you know? We wouldn't want
anybody holding that against us." Chris nodded and smiled
wryly. "I'll take good care of her. But if you ever come
back, she's still yours. OK?"

"Thanks, Jay." Chris's eyes were watering up a bit and he
looked down again. He was losing his home, his woods, the
boy he loved, the brother he never really got to know, and
now his dog to boot. "If I can ask for one more thing?" His
eyes met Jay's and got a look in return that told him it was
OK. "I'm worried about Matt, worried that somebody might try
to hurt him. I mean, he can probably take care of himself,
but there were a lot of people giving us the evil-eye before
Christmas break." This was the hardest thing of all for
Chris. The idea of someone taking advantage of Matt was more
than his mind could tolerate.

"I'll keep an eye out and my ears open. But Chris, I'm not
going to be his bodyguard and he's going to have to take
care of himself. I think he probably can, too, based on what
I've seen. But if things get out of hand, I'll do what I can
to help him."

"That's all I'm asking. I just don't want to see him get
hurt. But I know there's only so much you can do. Hell, you
don't have to do anything at all. You've already saved both
our asses, so I shouldn't ask for anything more."

"It's OK. That's what big brothers are for, right?" This
time it was Jay flashing the wry smile. Chris nodded again
in reply and his face was showing more strain.

"I was really looking forward to us getting to know each
other again. First, it was dad keeping us apart. Now, it's
mom's turn. I think we could have been good brothers for
each other." Chris's eyes filled with regret.

"I was looking forward to that too. But I guess it just
wasn't meant to be. Not now, at least." Jay had his father's
eyes; the one obvious feature he shared with Chris as well.
Like his younger brother (if only by a few months), his eyes
also filled with regret.

"Not exactly a Merry Christmas."

"I wouldn't know the difference," Jay replied.

Chris looked up and saw his own frustration and resentment
mirrored in Jay's face. Quietly, they stood together for a
few minutes letting their misery enjoy each other's company.

Their relationship had started as an accidental friendship;
two boys wandering the same woods they'd grown up sharing -
always nearby, but never together. Robert Briggs had worked
hard to keep them apart, spreading lies in Chris's mind
about Jay being a druggie. Jay was always so quiet and
distant; Chris didn't really know what to think of him until
they bumped into each other during that summer two years
ago. Jay's dog Shep had introduced them, after first
introducing his own wet nose to Chris's crotch - as dogs are
prone to do when sniffing out a stranger. The light moment
had produced a small crack in the emotional armor that Jay
had worn so faithfully in his life. Chris and Jay had bonded
before they even knew why.

Before long, the boys were joining each other on a regular
basis, re-exploring the familiar terrain together and simply
enjoying the rare opportunity of friendly company. Their
idle curiosities eventually led to other explorations; they
were never in love, but were curious as many boys were at
that stage of development. Their explorations had only just
begun when Robert Briggs came across them on that day in the
old shack. Being distracted by the rush of the moment, they
hadn't heard his approach. Robert Briggs would have been
furious enough just simply finding them talking to each
other. Peering in through the broken glass and finding them
masturbating each other produced the reaction of violent
rage that had changed everything.

The sight of his own offspring engaged in something he
considered to be degenerate hit a little too close to home
for Robert Briggs. It took more than two years, but the
circle of violence would eventually complete itself,
surrounding Robert Briggs and bringing him to his ultimate
end. Matt had played witness only to the last act, but Chris
and Jay had been witness to the entire drama.

All of this was in their history with each other. There were
no picnics or other pleasant family gatherings together.
Instead, tragedy had followed each of the two times Chris
and Jay had shared the same presence as their father.

Chris broke the silence. "I guess I should be getting back
to the house. We've gone through all of our old stuff,
except for one closet. It's got a bunch of dad's junk in it.
If I find some hidden fortune in there, I'll be sure you get
your share."

Jay cracked a grin. Chris continued, "Hey, tell your mom I'm
sorry I spooked her like that. I really am."

"I'll tell her. And hold on a second." Jay went inside for a
moment and came back out with a small piece of paper he then
handed to Chris. "We do have a phone; mom just doesn't want
the number listed."

Chris reached out his hand and Jay took it with a strong
grip. They shook hands for several seconds and the finality
of it started to settle in for both. Chris dropped Jay's
hand and pulled him into an embrace. Jay came together with
him willingly; this was new for him. His mom was a hugger,
but Jay couldn't recall ever having hugged anyone else. Even
his limited sexual explorations with Chris hadn't had this
level of emotional content. This was a warm hello and a sad
goodbye all wrapped into one.

Chris choked out a "Merry Christmas anyway."

Jay replied with a "Yeah, you too."

Once his back was turned, Chris's eyes immediately started
to flow with emotion. He made his path across the fields and
woods, dripping with regret all the way. Three days -just
three days left. Emotion was clinging to everything he saw
around him: An odd shaped tree with a split near the base,
excellent for climbing; the big boulder whose origin no one
had ever adequately explained, excellent for sitting on
while pondering; the old stump near the house.The fresh
sight of it made him pause, and it made him think of Matt.
He plopped down and took a seat on the cold rings of timber.
There was no one to lean back against for support this time.

"Come on in, Chris. We need to finish going through the rest
of this stuff!" Peggy Briggs' voice invaded what little
space Chris had left for himself. She had, in fact, sobered
up for a while and in between her frequent doses of pain
pills she had even become coherent for short spells.

Peggy had no reason left to stay here. She was broke. She
had no job. She had no husband. And she felt shame
everywhere she went in their little community. Between her
accident and the death of her husband at the hands of his
bastard son, she had lost her will to stick it out here. If
anyone had ever been ready for another fresh start, it was
her.

She was a tough nut to crack. She had grown up in a house
where physical abuse was a daily occurrence. Once she was
married, the patterns didn't seem to change for long and she
had never made any attempts to leave or report her violent
husband. As Melanie had once put it: "In some screwed-up
way, I think it was even comforting to her; it was what she
was most familiar with."

Peggy's quiet acceptance of the abuse was only one carryover
from her childhood; the alcoholism was another and there
were others lurking under the surface. Addiction,
intolerance and outright hate frequently came together in
the same power-bundle of afflictions. The alcohol and
violence were only symptoms. Whether Peggy was a tolerant
woman by nature would never be known for sure, for whatever
better nature she might have been born with had been long
ago replaced by the lesser nature she was taught by her
parents.

"Chris!" She wasn't happy with being ignored.

"I'll be there in a minute!" Chris wasn't adjusting well to
her new assertiveness. His mom was easier to deal with as a
sympathetic - even pathetic - character. The slamming of the
backdoor was a not-so-gentle reminder for him to hurry it
up.

Upon entering the house, he cut her a nasty look from the
corner of his eye. He might as well have thrown a match on a
pit of gasoline.

"Where the hell were you this morning? We can't finish all
this up by ourselves!" Some people were mean drunks, Peggy
was meaner when sober and in control of her faculties.

"You made the decision to move by yourselves, so you can do
the work by yourselves, too!" This time, Chris cut a look
toward Melanie. Mel looked out the window and grabbed her
forehead, trying to rub out the stress.

Peggy was an argument waiting to happen. "Don't start that
shit again with me, Christopher!"

Chris was just about ready to burst. "Why are you so mad at
me?! For the last week, all you've done is yell and push me
around! What exactly did I do?"

Peggy looked like she was about to answer his question, but
she took a few deep, excited breaths instead. "I just need
for you to listen to what I tell you to do and stop being so
difficult! You're trying to start trouble with me and I
don't want to get into it!"

Chris didn't start anything at all. He didn't say a word in
reply. He simply walked out the backdoor and into the refuge
of his woods, Peggy screaming at him with every step he
took.

He was angry, angrier than he could ever remember in his
young life. This anger burned deep from a reservoir of
leftover rage unresolved with his father. Heaped on top for
extra heat was the resentment he felt for his mother; both
the old resentment of disappointment and the new one of
disbelief. In his mind, he had picked a target for this
anger and he made a beeline to its location, ready to
unleash his wrath and destruction.

As he passed the last tree blocking his view, his eyes
brought the first wave of shock. He stopped in his tracks
and his mouth fell open. Time had beaten him to the punch
and denied him the emotional outlet he needed. The old shack
lay in ruin, now reduced to a messy, twisted pile of old
boards with the rusty tin roof resting on top still mostly
intact.

He walked along the perimeter of the rubble, softly kicking
a stray board back into the pile. In his mind, he knew he
could have never brought this conclusion; it just wasn't in
him to bring this old structure to the ground. This place
held haunted memories for sure, but it also held better
memories. Again, he thought of Matt and of a first kiss.

He took a seat on top of the flattened tin roof and pondered
what was next. Everything else had collapsed around him and
he had nowhere left to go except wherever life decided to
take him next. Even through all of his stress and physical
abuse, he had never completely relinquished hope. He had
been close to that point once. But then, just when all
seemed to be lost, a boy had believed in him; believing in
him even more than he had believed in himself. With Matt,
the unbearable became bearable and despair gave way to a
fresh supply of hope.

The whistling of the limbs overhead grew silent and a grey
winter sky blanketed the landscape. What had been gained now
seemed lost and Chris had never felt more alone.

Christmas Day brought early bad news. Melanie knocked on
Chris's bedroom door and found him sitting up in bed, having
never gained adequate sleep the night before.

"Chris, I'm going to have to be back at the hospital for
work earlier than I had planned. There's a lot of flu going
around and two of the nurses on my floor are out sick."
Melanie drew back a bit as she watched Chris's eyes narrow
and his lips purse tightly together. "We'll have to leave
this afternoon. I'm sorry. I know that's not what you want
to hear, but I don't have any choice."

He couldn't speak at first. Half of his time left had just
been stolen; the news delivered to him as some type of
perverted Christmas Morning greeting. He saw the look on
Melanie's face. He knew she wasn't directly at fault but,
right now, he was not at all happy with the messenger. The
mixture of anger and guilt overwhelmed him and his words
were choked out, barely understandable with the heavy weight
of emotion they were carrying.

"Wh..why?.....I don't..want to leave."

Melanie carried her own burdens in this, even more than
Chris knew. She was trapped too. There was no way she could
leave Chris here with her mom. They were, in fact, poor-ass
broke. Peggy couldn't be trusted to take care of herself,
much less Chris. And Chris was still only 15, soon to be 16,
too young to be expected to take care of the human
reclamation project that was his mother. Melanie had a job,
she had signed a contract, and there was no way for her to
completely uproot her own life and just stay here. It had to
be this way, at least for her and Peggy. The burden Mel was
having a harder time with related to the burden of
knowledge; her knowledge that Chris didn't have to be part
of this move. There had been an offer extended; one that
Peggy Briggs had reacted to in a way that shocked even her
daughter. Rather than standing up to her mom, Melanie had
melted into submission. She didn't deal well with these
types of confrontations; they triggered too many memories of
a childhood she had run away from and left behind long ago.
If running away again had been an option, then Melanie would
have gladly taken that path of escape instead, but it wasn't
that simple this time. She had been able to run away once
before, leaving a much younger Chris behind. But this time
she would have to accept the compromises inflicted by her
mother and do what she could. Her mother was still her
mother and some things just never changed.

"I'm sorry, Chris." Brother and sister shared a tearful and
regretful Christmas morning.

"I need to go see Matt. Now!" Chris was telling, not asking.

"Get up and let me know when you're ready. But Chris, don't
tell mom where you're going." Melanie couldn't hide the
guilt from her face.

"Why not?" Chris didn't mind the idea of leaving his mother
out of it, but there was something in the way Melanie said
it that made him uneasy.

"She's just been so ornery about everything, just leave her
out of it. OK?" Melanie pleaded with her eyes.

"All right." Chris wasted no time in getting up and getting
ready to leave. He didn't want to waste a second of what
little time was left.

A quick phone call was in order. "Hello, Mrs. Jordan.ok,
Joanna." Chris found a smile, courtesy of Joanna Jordan's
voice. "Hey Matt, can I come over now?" No arm-twisting was
required and Chris was ready to bolt out the door. There was
only one obstacle left to hurdle.

"Who were you on the phone with?" Peggy was much more alert
when almost sober.

Chris looked at her and rolled his eyes before returning to
his bedroom to grab his bag. As he walked back past his
mother, she latched onto his arm with her hand and they
stood there nose to nose.

"You're going to stop ignoring me, Christopher!"

"We've all gotten used to ignoring you! It's EASIER that
way!" He barked his reply and only his quick reflexes let
him dodge the open right hand that went sailing by his
cheek. Peggy made a move to regroup and try again but Chris
dropped his bag and grabbed her around both wrists. The look
on his face silently told her "Don't   Do   That   Again!"
in no uncertain terms.

Struggling and flailing against his grip, she finally
muttered "Let go of me!" And he did. Peggy snorted her way
down the hall and slammed her bedroom door shut behind.
Chris didn't move a step, watching her until she disappeared
behind the door.

He exchanged bewildered looks with Melanie. "Chris, I'm
going to get her into a program when we get settled in after
the move. She's.she just doesn't know how difficult she's
being right now."  Melanie extended a hand to the top of her
head and the growing strain was wearing on her face.

"But she's not drunk right now and she's crawling on my ass
about every little thing! It's like she hates me all of a
sudden! She's not that way with you!" Tears came to the
corners of Chris's eyes.

"She doesn't hate you, Chris. She's really screwed up right
now.I don't know.Maybe she'll get straightened out. Come on.
Just calm down and let's go." Melanie tried to put her mom's
latest outburst from her mind and she grabbed her keys and
headed for the door with Chris right behind her.

As they drove, Chris considered asking Melanie to stop by
Katie's house to say goodbye. He had planned to see her
before he left but now, with so little time, it just wasn't
an option anymore. Whatever they had ended as, they had
started as friends. The quiet hurt he had seen in her face
the last time they'd talked at school had told him that
things hadn't turned out the way she had hoped. Ty Wilson,
the junior class king, wasn't one for sentiment when it came
to old flings and, as part of a pre-emptive strike, he had
spread word around school that Katie had made an aggressive
move on him; a move he claimed that he refused. Ty was
shrewd like that and he knew his lies would shield him from
anything Katie might say in reply. If she claimed an affair,
he would scoff it off as bitter resentment from a girl
scorned. After finding herself quickly expelled from the
preferred social circles, Katie was left to the company of
her own lonely reflection. Seeing her vulnerable again had
rekindled the feelings of close friendship Chris had once
felt for her, but nothing more than that. There were many
good memories to cling to, but still it was hard for him to
feel sorry for her.

There was one last detour in required before arriving at the
Jordan house. "Mel, do you remember where Tommy Johnson's
house is?" Melanie nodded that she did.  The Johnsons had a
nice tract of land, making it easier to remember. "I need to
stop there for just a couple minutes. OK?"

"Sure." Melanie's guilt only deepened as Chris continued his
goodbye tour across the county.

Tommy was outside throwing around a tennis ball for his lab
Tucker to retrieve when he saw the car coming down the long
driveway. He didn't recognize it but he soon made out
Chris's familiar face. Chris got out of the car and was
quickly met by the curious nose of Tucker, who proceeded to
sniff his way up his pants leg bringing an amused smile from
Chris but no change in the worried look from Tommy.

"Is everything OK?" Tommy asked, without any formal
greeting.

The smile faded fast from Chris's face. Nothing was OK. "I
just came to same bye, Tommy. We're leaving this afternoon
instead of Monday."

"Oh," was all Tommy could rally in reply.

"Mel has to get back to work earlier than she'd planned."
Chris fought for words. "You know, I wish we'd gotten to
know each other before. You've been a good friend to me this
year. I'd have flunked Algebra without you for sure." A
faint smile passed across Chris's face, but it didn't stay
long.

"You didn't need that much help, and you still had to pass
the test - not me." Tommy's thoughts were already drifting.
"It's sort of funny we've lived just across the woods all
this time and it took somebody from California to get us to
be friends."

Chris hardly needed the reminder; Matt hadn't left his mind
all day. "You guys watch each other's backs, Tommy. I mean,
I know you will anyway. But just be careful and." A fresh
rush of emotion came to his face and what few words Chris
had left, suddenly escaped him. "I better get going. Matt
doesn't know yet, about us leaving early, but I'm on my way
to see him now." Chris gave Tommy the same warm clasp of the
hands that he normally reserved only for Matt. As their
hands separated, both boys extended a silent wave of goodbye
to each other and Chris walked back to the car. He took a
strong snort of air before he reentered the car, unwilling
to allow Mel to see or hear the full emotion he was
carrying.

For her part, Melanie had stolen glances at what was
happening but she hadn't gawked; partly, because it only
deepened her own guilt to see her brother pulled out of his
natural environment. Mel had been 18 when she left this life
behind. She had done so willingly, relieved to escape the
influences of her parents and make her own life. Her one
lingering regret had now taken his place in the front seat.
The brother she had left behind nine years ago had become
the sole focus of the parents she left behind; the sole
`target' might have been a better way to look at it. She had
told herself, over and over, that there was nothing she
could have done for him. She had even convinced herself that
it probably wasn't as bad as she imagined but the full back-
story on her father's death and how it came about had washed
away any such illusions. Seeing her mother's miserable
behavior only confirmed her worst fears. She wondered if she
was failing him again.

Chris said nothing as they finished the short drive. The
Jordans lived in a neighborhood that had been built after
Melanie had left the area and her first look was an eye
opening one. "Matt's parents must do pretty well for
themselves," she commented as they pulled in the main
entrance.

Chris wasn't interested in such small-talk at the moment. He
was too busy dreading the job of telling Matt the most
recent news. He let out a soft sniffle against his own will.
Mel glanced over and saw the dread and anguish mixing on his
face.

"I'll pick you back up in two hours. OK?"

She got no response. Chris wasn't willing to pretend that
just two hours were "OK." He might have to accept reality,
but he didn't have to like it. He got out of the car and
Melanie called out to him. "Did you need this?" She held up
his bag and he frowned at having left if behind. He took the
bag and continued toward a front door that was now open in
front of him. Joanna looked out toward the car and cast only
a grudging, barely detectable smile in Melanie's direction.

"Merry Christmas, Chris." Joanna greeted him with a big hug
and it was almost enough to bring him to a complete collapse
right in her arms. He couldn't tell them, not yet.

John Jordan repeated the greeting and gave Chris a warm
handshake and pat on the shoulder. Matt looked on before
jumping in with a long clasp of hands and much restraint; he
wanted to wrap his arms around Chris and hold him but he
knew he wouldn't be able to let go and there were still
reservations expressing themselves that way in front of his
parents.

Matt pointed toward the well appointed Christmas tree and
two beautifully wrapped boxes and one small envelope
underneath. He winked at Chris and even managed a Christmas
smile. "Ready to open yours?" Chris just looked over at the
tree and then glanced down sheepishly at the small bag he
was carrying.

"I didn't really get a chance to buy any gifts," he
confessed. Between a sick mother, a dead father, and a
hurried move out of state, there had been no time - or money
- for such expressions.

Joanna jumped in. "You being here with us for Christmas is
gift enough. Have you eaten?" Ever the mother was Joanna
Jordan.

Chris had to think for a second. "No, actually, I haven't
eaten anything today." It was now almost eleven in the
morning and food had been the farthest thing from his mind.

"Well then, this just works out perfect." Joanna was
delighted, for the Jordans were about to eat their
traditional Christmas brunch. Presents were always opened
first thing and then followed by a large late breakfast.

The smell of the food in the air completed the sensory
overload Chris was experiencing at the moment. With the
smiles, warm touches, and the beautiful Christmas tree, he
had stepped into another world. "I can't tell them," he
thought to himself, but he knew he would have to sooner or
later. He chose later.

The mega breakfast was wonderful and everyone put on their
happy face for a little while. The Jordans didn't know how
little time was left, but they did know this might be
Chris's last visit for a long while. They didn't want to
believe it could be his last visit ever, but the unwelcome
awareness of that possibility was there too, lurking about.
Reality was hard to accept for everyone, but all felt the
need to make the best of what was left.

The Christmas cheer spread back into the living room and the
gathering around the tree was something Chris had
experienced only very early in his boyhood, and not recently
enough to still be in his memory. Sure, plenty of Christmas
trees and Christmas presents had drifted into the Briggs'
house, but very little Christmas spirit had ventured there.
No, this was definitely different. This was a real
Christmas.

Matt reached Chris a wide box. "This one's from me, but mom
helped."

Playfully, Chris shook it a bit trying to decipher the sound
inside. "It's definitely not underwear and socks." Chris
could tell by the heavy, solid feel in his hands.

Chris started opening the box much too carefully for the
impatient Matt. "Oh, just rip it open already!" Matt laughed
with an exaggerated gesture. Unfazed, Chris continued his
delicate removal of the paper. This wasn't an experience he
wanted to rush. Finally, the box was opened and the back of
a wide picture frame was evident through the last defense of
the insulating paper. Chris looked around the room
curiously, searching for clues in the smiling faces. John
hand the camcorder in hand, his trigger finger itchy to get
into the action.

When Chris flipped over the frame, he saw two photos
arranged side-by-side. One was of him as he deposited the
winning lay-up in the basket during their earlier stunning
upset of the cross-county rivals led by the reviled Billy
Jacobs. The scoreboard was clearly visible in the upper
right corner of the photo, with only one second left on the
clock as Chris completed the victory. It was a beautiful
print, originally displayed on the local sports page along
with the companion photo in the frame beside it of Matt
being lifted off the ground by a swarm of jubilant
teammates. Chris was in the foreground of this frame,
helping lift Matt up; Billy Jacobs was in the background,
head held low in disbelief. This had been Matt and Chris's
special moment together in sport, as Matt had created
Chris's heroics through his dive and wild fling of the ball
back into play, landing Matt on his backside in the
bleachers. The comeback had been sweeter than most had
known, after the pre-game run-in with Billy.

"Wow! This is great. I could never have forgotten that play,
but I've never seen a picture of it."

John and Joanna shared a brief involuntary wince. Little did
they know that Chris and his dad had never so much as talked
about the great game, much less shared a proud father-and-
son moment staring at the front page of the sports section
the following day.

Matt was beaming. "Aren't those great pictures? Mom got some
originals from the newspaper and had these made up from
them." Matt had no idea how much trouble his mom had gone
through to get this done for him. Chris flashed Joanna an
appreciative smile which she returned in kind.

Matt added, too enthusiastically, "I'm going to find out
Billy Jacob's address and send him a copy too!"

This brought a flashing frown from Joanna and a quick reply
from Chris. "No need. We've already settled that score. The
proof is right here." He looked down fondly at the moment,
captured, framed and seemingly immortalized.

"But it would be sort of funny." Matt said.

"No need to stir things up though." Chris gave him a look
and Matt understood, finally.

"Here, this one is from mom." Matt was in full elf mode as
he handed over the small envelope. Chris was still admiring
the first gift.

As he gently put the picture frame down, he said a warm
"Thank You" to Matt and then extended the look of thanks to
Joanna and John as well.

"You're welcome, Chris." Joanna couldn't let the moment go
by incomplete.

Chris opened the envelope and pulled out a $250 gift
certificate for Belk's Department stores (a popular chain in
the South).

His eyes widened and he looked at Joanna wondering if this
was too much. She gave him reassurances, "You're a growing
boy, Chris. You're going to need some things from time to
time. Get yourself something nice when you do." Chris was
starting to appreciate the value of money, having realized
what the consequences were of having none at all. Joanna
knew there was already enough sentiment under the tree; her
gift had been meant to serve the more practical needs in
Chris's life.

"Thanks," Chris said again softly. Joanna nodded her
welcome.

Matt looked at the last lonely box under the tree. "This
one's from dad."

John spoke up. "Actually, Matt, that one is from me and your
mother. Go ahead and open it up, Chris."

Matt and Chris were not little boys. They were soon-to-be 15
and 16 year old teenagers. But for a moment, if only one
fleeting moment, they were little boys again. They exchanged
curious looks with each other and Chris opened the box,
again to the playful agitation of the impatient Matt. "I
hope it's not something to eat. It might spoil before you
get it open." Matt poked Chris in the ribs and laughed as he
spoke.

At first, Chris thought it was a heavy navy colored sweater.
Though he didn't show it, he felt a twinge of
disappointment. When he finally peeled back the last
wrapper, he saw a familiar logo and his mouth dropped open.
When he saw a familiar number - 10 - on the jacket breast,
his heart stopped for a moment. Chris knew the Atlanta
Braves team jacket he was holding wasn't one bought at the
local sports shop; THOSE jackets didn't come with player
numbers on them. Chris looked up at a proud John Jordan.

John confirmed Chris's assumption. "That one came courtesy
of Chipper Jones himself. The bank is a major sponsor for
the home ballpark in Atlanta. One of my marketing VPs down
there did all the legwork for me. It's probably got a scuff
or two on it somewhere, Chris. It's been worn a few times."

"Worn?...Not by Chipper Jones?" Chris was shaking his head
`no' but John was shaking his head `yes.'

"That's what I was told, son. And I believe it." John
confirmed verbally just to be clear.

Matt looked on in giddy Christmas delight. His first
conversations with Chris had been about baseball. In fact,
baseball had indirectly brought them together. Matt's San
Francisco Giants' carry bag had motivated Chris's first
words to him on an earlier day. During the last summer
months, he and Chris had teased each other mercilessly about
the rivalry between Matt's Giants and Chris's beloved
Braves. Eventually, both teams were ousted in the National
League playoffs by the eventual World Series champ Florida
Marlins, bonding Matt and Chris even tighter in their mutual
hate of the Marlins.

Matt drew his reaction from the look on Chris's face. He
thought to himself, "They weren't able to ruin Christmas for
us after all." But he didn't know all that had taken place.

Chris pulled on the jacket and took further joy when he
reached in the right pocket and found an autographed
baseball. He twirled it around, reading the names of Maddux,
Glavine, Smoltz and Jones. Chris reached the ball to Matt,
who took it reverently and read aloud the names of the same
great players, and several names of not-so-great players
too.

"Man." Chris stretched out his arms and the ends of the
sleeves extended several inches past his fingertips.

"John, it doesn't fit!" Joanna was disappointed.

Chris smiled broadly. "Oh, that's OK. Chipper's a few inches
taller than me, so I didn't expect it to fit. But this
jacket isn't for wearing around anyway. It's much too
valuable for that. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving
it somewhere and losing it. This will go up on my wall, so I
can see it everyday.Thank you so much."

"Hey guys, smile at the camera." John had recorded plenty of
action with the camcorder but now he was ready to snap off a
few photos. Matt threw his arm around Chris, freshly adorned
in his Braves' jacket. Matt and Chris held the baseball up
together and John captured the moment for the family album.

Time had flown by quickly and the inevitable forced itself
back into the occasion. Chris heard the familiar sound of
Melanie's Honda wagon pull into the driveway and all of the
joy fell from his face at once. He still hadn't told them.

"Chris, what's wrong?" Joanna had watched his spirit
plummet.

Chris felt a heavy wave of guilt wash over him. Sitting in
the Jordan's living room and enjoying their kindness and
generosity, all he could give in return was unwelcome news.

"Give me just a minute. I need to tell Mel to wait." He also
needed to stand up and gather as much composure as he could.
He slipped off the new gift, and made eye contact with Matt
as he stood; the worried look he got in return didn't
reinforce his spirits.

Melanie told him to take his time; that was the least she
could do, and he came back in and stood in the living room.

"You all have been so great to me." He was straining hard to
keep it together and he looked back and forth between John
and Joanna. Looking at Matt would be too much and he might
lose it. "This has been the best Christmas Day I can ever
remember.But it's also the worst." His eyes finally drifted
to Matt and he could feel himself breaking but he choked it
back. His voice cracked and his face shook but he kept as
much of himself as he could. Joanna stood and made her way
to his side. Matt was frozen on the living room floor. John
stood as Chris spoke. "I wish I could stay.but we're leaving
this afternoon. Melanie has to be back sooner than she'd
planned." There it was out.

Joanna, ever the mother, took Chris's hand. It was just a
simple show of support. His eyes filled quickly with emotion
and he focused through the glaze onto Matt. "I need to talk
to you."

Matt rose up, his face stricken from the shock of what he'd
just heard. They were supposed to have one more day. And the
entire last week had been wasted away with Peggy Briggs
tossing new obstacles between them as she had kept Chris
busy and away from the Jordans. They were supposed to have
one more day; Matt kept repeating the thought in his mind.
He had been willing to deny the truth up until the very last
second, but now even that had been taken away.

The boys made their way upstairs to Matt's room. Barely
inside the door, Chris threw his arms around Matt and they
held each other in a staggered hug, neither uttering a word.
Their lips wandered the sides of each other's face before
landing together in warm embrace. Just like their first
kiss, this was an endearment between their injured spirits
and more of an attempt to repair the most recent damages
they had suffered. Chris's hands roamed across Matt's back
and shoulders, gathering and storing for the days when they
would be apart.

Their stormy faces pulled away and they held each other in
close eye contact for a minute. "I love you so much, Matt
Jordan. This won't keep us apart forever. I promise you
again. It won't." His words inspired a fresh response from
Matt's lips and they probed Chris's again.

"You said ya'll are coming back to get some more of the
stuff out of the house soon, right?"

"Yeah, Mel said it would be a few weeks. I don't know when
that means. We never got around to any of dad's stuff. Not
that we need it or anything. But we'll be back sometime to
get everything else. Mel said it depends on how quick the
house sells."

"I'm glad we had our night together, you know?" Matt's eyes
were filled with love.

"It won't be our last. It won't be. Don't think it will. But
I'm glad too. It was.well, I can't describe it." His words
brought a loving smile from Matt.

"Chris, I'm going to miss you so much. I just." Matt drew
several sharp breaths and his eyes welled up again.

"I know. Believe me, I know. I haven't given you my gift
yet." They sat down on the bed and Chris reached into his
carry bag. "It didn't cost anything but I think it's got a
lot of sentimental value." He pulled out a smallish square
block of wood that looked like it had been cut from a plank
and handed it to Matt. "I found an old wood etching kit when
I was cleaning out the garage and it came in pretty handy.
I'm not real good with it but I think you can make out what
it says."

Indeed, Matt could make out the date and the words
underneath. The date he knew exactly and there were many
significant things that day: the first trip out to the old
shack together, then the first embrace and then the first
kiss. It was even more special to Matt than Chris knew, for
on that day, Matt had also made the silent vow to himself
that he would win back the life of the boy he loved. It had
been a turning point in young Matt Jordan's life. The words
etched into the wood, he said aloud and they were just a
slight variation on an old theme: "Show No Fear."

"It's not much, Matt. It's made from one of the planks at
the old shack. I just cut off the end and etched in the date
and words." Chris didn't tell him that the shack had fallen.
There was no need to add more bad news.

"It's wonderful, it really is. It means more to me than I
can tell you. And don't worry, I won't show them any fear. I
know you're worried about me, but I'll stay strong. I'll
look at this every night and it will remind me what I need
to do. I can do it, Chris. I can do it for you." Matt gave
him a determined look and it filled Chris with more hope
than he'd had all day.

"You just be careful. Don't be picking any trouble with
Billy Jacobs when you guys play them again this year. And
don't be picking trouble with anyone else either. OK? I need
for you to promise me that."

"I promise, Chris. Don't worry. I know I can be a real smart-
ass sometimes, but I'll be extra careful. I've had enough
trouble already." Matt didn't let it on, but he didn't think
he'd have to go looking for any trouble. More than likely,
it would find him. His eyes just melted into Chris. "I love
you and I don't want you worrying about me."

"Listen, we're not going to say goodbyes. That word doesn't
exist between us, OK?" Chris insisted.

"OK." Matt agreed. "And you be careful too. You'll be living
in the city. Dad said it's only half the size of Charlotte,
but that's still pretty big compared to living out here in
the country."

"Yeah, I'm not looking forward to being all cramped up like
that." The fresh reminder brought a stiffening in Chris's
body language.

"God, I hate this! I want to just stay up here forever, but
I can't. Mel is still waiting for me."

Matt stood up from the bed and reached out for him. Chris
stood and rejoined him in their earlier embrace. They were
strongest in each other's arms. A last long kiss came to an
end and they broke the embrace. This was the moment Matt had
been denying but he could no longer ignore it, for it was
real and it was now. "Show No Fear." But he felt plenty of
it.

Downstairs, a similar scene unfolded. Chris exchanged hugs
with John and Joanna, the latter lasting much longer and
involving a soft sob or two from both parties. As Chris was
preparing to exit the door, he turned to the Jordan parents
again. His last words were uneven and hardly steady, but he
stayed with it and said his last piece.

"I can't tell you how much this has meant to me, not just
today, but just the way you've welcomed me since the first
day I ever met you. I don't know the words to say, but it's
meant the world to me. It really has. More than I can ever
tell you."

"Be careful, son. Here, I almost forgot. We've got toll-free
service on the home phone number, you call us anytime you
feel like it. We want to hear from you often." John gave
Chris a card with the special number and access code.

Chris's eyes made one last visit to John and then to Joanna.
He turned his eyes to Matt. "I'll see you later."

Matt replied, "Later."

No goodbyes.

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