Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 14:19:41 -0400
From: Ehman Penn <ehman@ehmanpenn.com>
Subject: Matthew Figures It Out - Part 22

This story is a fictional account of the lives, loves and
struggles of teenage boys. Don't read it if there's any
chance that doing so might send you or the author to jail.
This story is also copyrighted by the author and cannot be
altered, reproduced, or hosted without his consent. Please
direct all feedback to: ehman@ehmanpenn.com

*****************************

Matthew Figures It Out - Chapter 22  `Back to School'

As Chris walked out the door, Matt went to the window and
watched them pull away. His eyes followed the car until it
escaped his sight and then he continued to look, well after
it was gone. Joanna put her hands on his shoulders from
behind. No words were necessary to communicate what she had
to say. Joanna couldn't help but think of what might have
been.

The Jordan parents had decided not to tell Matt about their
trip to see Melanie and Peggy the week before. It wasn't a
discussion they could have without hurting Matt, for it
would most definitely hurt him even more if he knew all that
had been said. They hadn't expected Peggy to be involved
much at all in their talks and they were surprised to find
her somewhat coherent. They were more surprised to find her
so hateful and they had been downright shocked to hear her
vilify Matt the way she had. Yes, Peggy Briggs had revealed
the full force of her ignorance that day. She had shown
herself to be a woman wrapped in a tight knot of denial and
hate. John's first comment in the car afterwards had been,
"That felt way too familiar." Memories of his own dad were
conjured up, deepening the bond John felt with Chris.

Joanna continued to gently rub Matt's shoulders and she
continued to thin of what might have been, though she had
started to think of it as "what should have been." Matt
continued to look out the window, enjoying the soft soothing
touch of his mother.

By eight o'clock that night, Melanie's Honda wagon, loaded
with clothes and basic necessities, crossed the North
Carolina - Virginia border. They were just over halfway to
Richmond and still had a good three hours left to go. At a
little past eleven, they finally pulled into Melanie's
apartment complex. Chris's first impression was below his
already low expectations. Though parts of the city had been
lined with trees, there was nothing but roads and parking
lots for as far as he could see. And it apparently never got
dark here; even approaching midnight, the city lights still
cast a dull glow on everything. Adding insult to injury,
there were two basketball goals nearby but both were damaged
and had obviously fallen out of use a long time ago.

Melanie's two bedroom apartment had just that: two beds.
Melanie had been rooming with another nurse until a few
months earlier when the other girl got married and moved
out.

In the middle of everything else, Chris had never stopped to
realize that he would be on the short end of this stick as
well. It was Melanie's apartment, and she couldn't be
expected to give up her own bedroom. Living with her mother
was bad enough, sharing a room with her was out of the
question, so Peggy took the other bedroom.

"Chris, the couch folds out into a sleeper." Melanie
instructed.

"Great. Does one of the closets fold out into another
bedroom?" His sarcasm was not delivered with a smile. Was he
expected to live on the couch?

"I know it's not what you're used to. Let's just make it
work the best we can. There are some three bedroom units
here. When mom gets better and gets a job, we should be able
to move into one of those." Melanie had her own frustrations
in this, but Chris threw her a "yeah, right" look anyway.

But he wasn't interested in arguing about it right now.
Besides, there was nothing that could be done. He was
already emotionally drained and the stress had exhausted him
physically as well.

Peggy had become uncomfortable during the long ride and
taken a generous dose of her pain medications. There were
some lingering physical effects from her car accident, but
the pills had mostly become medication for the emotional
wreck she had become. Barely taking a first look around the
apartment, she headed straight for bed after Melanie
redirected her to the correct room.

Melanie brought out a ration of blankets along with a pillow
and Chris plopped down on the extended couch. He didn't find
any comfort there and he was unable to shake the realization
that his entire life had been stripped down to just this.

Christmas Day had ended as poorly as it had begun. In the
middle had been something quite different. Chris thought
back to his all-too-short time with Matt and his parents.
There, with them, if only in his mind, he found some peace
and found some sleep.

The day-after started a long week of new sights and faces.
Richmond had its share of rolling hills and it was adjacent
to the James River. While it had its Southern charms, it
still wasn't home. Steeped rich in history, the former
confederate capital had moved on to become a thriving center
for business, hosting the headquarters for several Fortune
1000 companies. From Chris's perspective, it was just
someplace he didn't want to be.

In just over a week, he would enter a new school right in
the middle of the school year. He wasn't much concerned
about that part at the moment and there were no expectations
for what he might find there. There hadn't been adequate
mourning time for what he had left behind and what lay ahead
seemed inconsequential by comparison.

For the next week, many adjustments were made as boys in two
states tried to cope with their new realities. Knowing that
Chris was so far away was hard for Matt, but they talked
several nights on the phone. Still, it wasn't the same; it
just couldn't be.

Tommy did what he could to console Matt inviting him to ride
horses together one day. Matt agreed to join him but his
mind was elsewhere and Tommy was sad to see him force the
smiles to his face.

Everybody put up the same fronts but it would take much more
time to heal the wounds underneath. Matt had no intention of
letting anything heal. The pain he felt was his only
physical connection to Chris and he had no intention of
giving it up too.

The Christmas basketball tournament started on December
27th. Matt didn't want to play; basketball had lost its
interest without Chris there. But Chris had encouraged him
to stay with it, so he did. The team suffered greatly in
Chris's absence and they fell quickly from the tournament.
There was no rematch with Billy Jacobs but that was still on
schedule for later in the winter. Matt kept a low profile
between contests, hanging close to his teammates and then
riding home with his mom and dad right after the games. He
did, in fact, receive more than a few evil eyes as he walked
through the crowds. The publicity from Robert Briggs' death
had spread along with it the rumors that could no longer be
denied. Whether he liked it or not, he was definitely out.
Matt had noticed something else, something that had
surprised him. Along with all of the stares of hate, there
had been a handful of boys who had looked at him with
curious faces.

New Years' Day fell on a Friday, meaning the return of
school was just on the other side of the weekend. By this
point, the challenges of school seemed like a blessing
compared to the curse of boredom that had set in during the
long break. Matt had moped around the house far too much,
still unable to accept the separation. School would at least
bring with it some needed structure, along with a great deal
of uncertainty.

"Matt, how are you doing, son?" John had come into Matt's
room on Sunday night. Joanna was right behind him and she
stood at the doorway.

"I'm all right, I guess." Matt sat quietly on his bed. He
had been trying to distract himself with the new book
`Children Of Amarid' by Coe, but his mind was still set on
another fantasy.

"Listen, your mother and I have been talking." John's words
brought a suspicious glare from Matt. "Just hear me out. If
you want to switch over to private school, you know we can
do that. We're both concerned about you." Matt interrupted
him.

"No! I don't want to do that. It's not so bad. People are
looking at me funny and all, but that would happen anywhere.
I'm not being picked on or anything. Not really. I'll be OK.
I can't just run from things."

"I don't want you to run away from problems, son. But this
isn't like back home. People here aren't as open minded."
The Jordan parents had their own recent reminder of this.

"Dad, not everyone was so open minded back home either. It's
not something that just happens here. I've heard things all
my life; they just haven't been pointed directly at me
before. And most of the private schools around here are
Christian. Do you really think that would be better for me?
I'll be OK. Just don't worry about me." Matt flashed a
serious look to his dad and mom. It seemed as good a time as
any to practice Chris's "Show No Fear" mantra.

"All right. But Matt, let us know if you're having any
problems with anyone. Don't be afraid to ask us for help."
John replied.

"I'm not going to come running home and tell you about
everything. If I look like I've been beaten up, then you'll
know I had a bad day. But dad, and mom, I don't want to be a
whiner. I'm fifteen now, after all." Actually, he wasn't.

Joanna piped in. "Don't go getting any older on us just
yet." Matt smiled, he had taken credit for his new age two
days early.

"But you know what I'm saying to both of you. If anything
bad happens, I'll try to deal with it on my own. If I can't,
then I'll let you know. Just stop worrying, please! You're
making me nervous." He was already nervous, but it was good
to have something to blame it on.

John and Joanna were at least happy to see the determination
in his face. They were also pleased that he wanted to stay
in public school. The Jordan parents were not overly fond of
the private school experience. Both had gone to public
schools in northern California, themselves.

Finally, Matt had the room to himself again. It was only
eight o'clock, but he turned off the lights, locked his door
and lay down on his bed. His eyes were still wide open and
he was, in fact, very nervous about tomorrow. His mind had
been spinning around and around and he needed a potent
distraction. Closing his eyes, he let his hand roam freely
down his belly and underneath his briefs. Directing his
overactive imagination back in time, he quickly found the
mental recreation he needed. He could almost feel Chris's
warm thighs again, Matt's open palms rubbing up and down
against them. He could see the look of eager anticipation in
Chris's eyes, and his guiding hand rustling through Matt's
hair and then the final approach and warm engagement of
tongue and arousal. The boy held captive in Matt's fantasy
was happy and that provided the desired escape from the
stress.

The new school day brought a full return of the stress. Matt
had only a small sampling of scrutiny when at the Christmas
basketball tournament. Many of those people didn't know who
he was. Here, everyone seemed to know him now and he could
no longer fly under the cover of anonymity. It had been bad
enough when the gay rumors had passed around school several
weeks earlier. Those rumors never died but they did seem to
lose steam.

Stories take own their own lives and their own `truths' when
circulating in a small community. This was the first day
back at school since the death of Robert Briggs. The gay
rumors had been combined with the murder rumors and given a
whole new twist to the sorry Robert Briggs saga. In some
circles, Briggs had even become  the victim. One
particularly nasty version of events had Robert Briggs being
lured into the woods and shot in cold blood to prevent him
from breaking up the triangle of "lover boys." No one seemed
to appreciate the irony that only Robert Briggs' death had
been able to separate Chris and Matt.

Matt wasn't the only one getting undesired attention. Jay
Henson had become the cold dark killer that everyone always
suspected he could be. People walked out of their way to
avoid crossing paths with him. Jay couldn't have cared less.
He hadn't needed them before and he didn't miss them now.
Keeping his head pointed to the ground, he made his way from
class to class. At least no one seemed willing to bother
him.

For Matt, the attention felt suffocating. It didn't feel
like the first day back to school, it felt like the first
day at a new school; a school where everyone seemed to make
some comment on him, verbally or otherwise, and a school
without the benefit of Chris. He stopped to think how
Chris's first day at a real new school was going and he took
some comfort in knowing that Chris wasn't being forced to
suffer this with him.

Matt decided to skip lunch and head to the sanctuary of the
library. The lunchroom would be too much of a social zoo.

"Tommy!" He caught him before Tommy entered the cafeteria.
"I don't think I can deal with it today. Just meet me in the
courtyard and we'll go to the library."

"You don't want anything to eat?" Tommy asked.

"I don't have any appetite. Get me a juice though."

"Sure thing."

Matt stood in the most inconspicuous place he could find in
the courtyard and waited for Tommy. He heard steps coming
down the side walkway and turned to catch himself in direct
eye contact with Ty Wilson. A very faint smile crept onto
Ty's face and he held Matt's eyes for several seconds before
Matt blinked and looked away.

Thinking to himself, "What the fuck?" Matt focused on the
cement below him and decided not to look up at anyone else
passing by.

"Matt, are you OK?" Tommy's voice made Matt jump before he
realized who it was.

"Come on, let's go." Matt replied.

"We can't take food in the library. Mrs. Hartsell will bust
us for that." Tommy warned, with a sandwich and two juice
packs in his hands.

"Tommy, if that's the worst thing that happens today, it
will be a fucking miracle. Come on, just hide it in your
jacket. It's freezing out here."

Inside the library, they took a desk providing the best
natural shielding from the view of the hawkish Mrs.
Hartsell. With their book bags on top of the desk, they were
able to block off the juice packs from outside view. With
the sandwich, Tommy had more to hide and he sat with his
back to the librarian's counter. As he made short work of
his sandwich, he saw Matt's eyes open wide and his jaw gape
open. Tommy was sure they'd been found out.

"Holy shit! I don't believe it." Matt said softly and
continued to stare. Tommy could now hear footsteps closing
in behind him and he quickly smashed what was left of his
sandwich into his mouth. It seemed like the fastest way to
dispose of the evidence, plus he was still hungry.

The figure that made his way around to the side of the desk
wasn't a prickly librarian.

"You guys could get in trouble for eating in here you know.
It says so right on the front door. That nice round lady up
there was sure to tell me so when I brought in my apple
earlier. But I told her how it was my first day and all, and
she let me slide. I even let her keep the apple." The boy
stopped talking but kept smiling. "Maybe you don't remember
me, but my name is Joshua Taylor." He reached out and Matt
nodded and finally took his hand for a polite shake, and a
much quicker one than the last time. The boy turned his
attention to Tommy. "Hey, Tommy. I know you remember me.
Don't you? I mean, we just had 3rd period Health class
together."

Tommy laughed and replied, "Yeah, I haven't forgotten you
yet. Hey, Josh."

Matt remembered too, very well. They were never introduced
that day by name, but he definitely remembered the face.
Fortunately, that face wasn't having the same effect on him
this time; Matt had enough problems already.

Tommy looked at Matt, confused as to why he wasn't speaking,
and then back to Josh. "This is my best friend, Matthew
Jordan. Do you guys know each other?"

Josh had heard the name thrown around school a few times
this morning, but he didn't let his face reveal what he
knew.

Finally Matt spoke up. "I do remember you, very well. Tommy,
my dad took us to Josh's church one Sunday a couple months
ago. It was a very interesting service."

Josh withdrew a bit at the mention of his dad. He had come
into contact with many people in the community as a result
of his dad's church. The playful eye contact he had made
with Matt on that Sunday morning a couple of months earlier
was something you didn't want to forget. There had been an
understanding between them, an unspoken acknowledgement of a
shared trait. Josh had left quite an impression. He was
blessed with natural features that were, in fact, very
heavenly. Standing there on top of the church steps, he had
been the most beautiful boy Matt had ever seen. The added
decoration of a perfectly fitted black suit that set off his
cropped jet-black hair didn't hurt the packaging one bit.
Matt had thought him an angel at first glance but decided
later he was too much of a little devil for that
description. Charisma had poured from Josh then, just as it
did now. Josh also shared a similar frame with Matt, and his
jeans and black sweater fit him very well in all the right
places.

Matt was curious. "Where did you transfer from?"

"Well, from home." Josh lost a bit of his natural
confidence, but the vulnerability only added to his natural
appeal.

Matt, "I don't understand that. What do you mean?"

"I've been home-schooled all my life. My mom has always
taught me, and she's a very good teacher. She's not dumb and
I'm not either." Josh had answered this question a few times
already today and the looks he got in response told him that
other kids, and at least one teacher, did equate home-
schooling with "dumb."

"I don't think you're dumb. I just never heard of anyone
being schooled at home. But then, I'm not from around here
originally."

"You're from San Francisco, right?" Josh asked.

"Close by, Sausalito to be exact. It's just across the
Golden Gate Bridge. But it's a tiny town compared to San
Francisco."

"That's one place we never lived. California, I mean.
Closest we came to the West Coast was Colorado, that's where
we came here from. My dad led a church near Denver for a
little while. I've lived in Texas, Kentucky, and Florida for
just a little while. We've been here for over two years
now."

Tommy jumped in. "Wow, you've been to a lot of places. Which
did you like the best?"

Josh's face lit up. "Colorado. No doubt about it. I really
loved it out there. We were so near the mountains and it
snowed a lot too. One of our church members had a real ranch
with horses and stuff. Man, that was so cool. They taught me
how to ride a horse and we went trail riding up in the
mountains later on, when I got really comfortable riding."

Matt watched Tommy's face as Josh described Colorado. The
natural adventurer in Tommy could barely contain himself and
it was the bright spot of the day seeing his best friend so
genuinely excited.

Tommy couldn't wait to reply. "I've got horses! Matt's been
over riding with me a few times."

"But I'm not a very good rider. I've seen Tommy kick his
horse into gear a few times. He really knows how to ride. I
just sit on top and hope I don't get thrown off on my ass,
but it's still fun. You two should go riding together."

Tommy and Josh smiled at each other with Matt's description
of kicking a "horse into gear."

Matt was still curious. "Josh, why aren't you still home-
schooling?"

Josh frowned and lost eye contact with either boy. "My dad
got into some trouble and he's gone.I don't really know
where. My mom finally told him she was through with him.
He's, uh, been in trouble before. But my mom likes it here.
She told me we're done moving and she got a job working in
an office in town so she could support us now. That's why
I'm here. My teacher got a better paying job." He finished
with a reserved smile. It felt good for him to get it out
there in the open.

"Shit. I'm sorry. I really wasn't trying to be nosey. Well,
I was, I guess. But I'm still sorry." Matt felt bad.

"Ah, don't worry about it." Josh knew that Matt had plenty
of his own worries already. He figured that if he could hear
Matt being called a "little cocksucker" behind his back,
then Matt could hear a little about his problems too.

Lunch period was almost over. Matt felt it was only right to
warn Josh about something.

"Listen, you don't really want to be seen with me right now,
maybe not ever. But definitely not right now. If you see me
avoiding you, it's nothing personal. I'm just trying to do
you a favor. There's a lot of shit being said about me
around here. Some of it's even true. You don't want to start
out here with that hanging around your neck. I just wanted
you to know."

Joshua had seen plenty of bullshitters in his short time;
his dad had been one of them. It gave him a deeper
appreciation for the people who weren't.

"This is really great. My first day at school and I've
already made two new friends. I never had that many at my
old school." Josh smiled as he spoke.

Matt gave him a bewildered look. "You didn't understand what
I was saying."

"Yeah, I did. Again, I'm not dumb. I got it. Do you guys
meet here everyday or do you try to have lunch in the real
cafeteria sometimes?"

Tommy grinned. Matt just shook his head. He still wasn't
convinced Josh wasn't stupid. You'd have to be stupid, or
crazy, to get mixed up in this.

"Well guys, I gotta find my next class. See you later, Matt.
Same to you, Tom."

"See you, Josh." Tommy replied.

Matt just continued to look at him, bringing a last grin to
Josh's face. "Don't worry, Matt. I'm praying for you. I
really am."

Tommy turned to Matt. "He's a cool guy, don't you think?"

Matt replied. "He's different. But yeah, he's pretty cool.
Tom!" He exaggerated the `Tom.'

"Hey, I don't mind being called Tom! It's fine with me."
Tommy's words drew a curious look from Matt as they exited
the library.

Out of habit, Matt scanned the surrounding herd of
teenagers, looking for the face that always seemed to ease
him, but Chris wasn't there anymore and everything looked
different without him in the picture. Matt had a sinking
feeling in his stomach, one that pulled heavily on his chest
and eventually pulled a frown from his face as well. Again,
his thoughts went out into the crisp blue skies and headed
north into the Virginia hills.

The rest of the day passed without any new surprises and no
major offenses. Everyone was commenting on Matt with their
faces and, thankfully, only a few were saying out loud what
was going through their minds.  "Faggot" seemed to be the
preferred jab, almost always thrown at Matt's back but still
within earshot. Not everyone was hostile; most of the
basketball team gave him the courtesy of plain old
avoidance. Jeff Billups and Mike Rogers had given him polite
nods, but nothing more. At least three separate boys had
given Matt brief smiles and then looked away just as
quickly; boys Matt didn't know by name since they were
generally loners and outside even his limited social
circles. Sarah Boone, who once tried to get Matt to fix her
up with Chris, gave him a look that suggested he had sucked
every dick in the county.

None of those bothered Matt as much as the brief eye contact
with Ty Wilson. The look in his eyes was familiar; it was
the same smug, controlling look he had given Katie just
before pushing her head down to service him - a look Matt
should have never seen the first time and definitely wished
he hadn't seen a second.

With the first long day back drawing to a close, Matt
pondered how many more just like this lay ahead. Only the
support of Tommy made it tolerable, but Matt felt himself
tightening even in his presence. He had become afraid to
touch Tommy in public, even if just a pat on the shoulder or
a clasp of the hands. Matt was radioactive and it couldn't
be good for Tommy to be so close. More than worrying for
himself, he worried for his best friend and what he was
being exposed to. The school community had seen Tommy as
merely a social loser - so far - allowing him to wander the
grounds without being the brunt of "faggot" jokes and jabs.
Matt knew what had to be done, even if Tommy wouldn't like
it in the short run.

Maybe things would have been different if Chris were here.
At least, maybe the insults would have been more subtle. The
confidence Matt always felt in his presence had left him. As
he approached the buses after the final bell, he realized
the full discomfort of what was ahead. The bus was packed
today and the sliding door grew less inviting with every
step. A quick glance up at the windows introduced him to
several sets of hostile eyes, all seemingly saying "don't
EVEN think about sitting here." He stopped for a moment,
wishing he had basketball practice today to save him from
this trip.

"Do you want a ride home?" Jay Henson's voice made him jump,
but it didn't take much to make him jump today.

Matt made quick eye contact with him and then peered out
into the parking lot at the waiting black truck. He looked
back at the packed bus again. It was a no-brainer except for
one unavoidable fact: Sooner or later, he would have to deal
with these things. The sooner he got started, the sooner -
maybe - things would return closer to normal. Besides,
riding off with Jay would only produce a new wave of rumors
the next day.

"I'd really like to, but I guess I better get used to what's
coming. Today has already been shit, so I'm already sort of
prepared for it." Matt's words sounded tired.

"The offer is open if you ever need to take me up on it. You
don't need to ask, just meet me out at the truck. I guess
you've heard from Chris?"

"Thanks for offering the ride. I've talked with Chris three
times this past week. Melanie has a really small apartment
and he doesn't have his own room. He's sleeping on the
couch. And he can't talk much because his mom is always
around. Today was his first day at the new school."

"Tell him I said I hope things settle down for him and that
Maggy is doing fine. Well, I better get going." Jay's eyes
dropped back to the ground as he marched his way straight
through the masses, his presence creating a parting in the
waves of kids ahead.

Matt's first step onto the bus was greeted by a frown from
the bus driver. He was in his late fifties and obviously
didn't approve of whatever it was he thought he knew. The
stagger down the aisle brought no tripping feet or loud
sneers, just lots of tension as everyone stared. Many of the
kids in Matt's neighborhood went to private schools or their
mothers, who were housewives, picked them up after school.
So, most of the kids on his bus lived along the route to the
upscale development. One comment of "rich little queer" made
Matt snap back "I'm not rich, you little asshole!" But this
only brought giggles in return, frustrating Matt even more.
There were only a few open seats left, all of them requiring
that he pair up with an unwilling host.

One half of an open seat near the rear was taken by a boy
Matt had paid no attention to before - one of the school
loners and a year older than Matt. The boy was so
nondescript in appearance, Matt only remembered him by the
fact he had caught the boy staring at him as they approached
each other on the walkway earlier in the day. Now, as Matt
looked down the aisle of the bus, the boy flashed Matt a
fleeting brush of the eyes. It wasn't an open invitation to
sit and chat like buddies but the look at least seemed to
say "if you want to sit here, I won't argue about it." That
was enough for Matt and he took the seat without incident
and they sat quietly for the rest of the ride.

The boy's stop came a few miles before Matt's and he
stumbled a bit as he made his way by, briefly grabbing
Matt's jacket to catch his balance. Finally, Matt was home
too. He stepped outside the bus and the frigid air engulfed
him. Sticking his hands in his jacket pockets for warmth, he
discovered a small hand-written note that read "I hope you
know you're not the only one. Hang in there."

In the course of a day, Matt had become the poster boy for
those who felt the need to hate anything different from what
they were themselves. But he'd also become the unspoken
champion of a very small group of nameless loners;
disconnected boys who knew his feelings of isolation though
they didn't fully appreciate how the newfound popularity was
affecting him. No matter, Matt still had experienced
something that any of these boys would trade places with him
for in a second: Love.

Matt walked in the front door of his house to a roaring
round of applause from little Digger, whose face was peering
inside through the low kitchen window. Matt's first day at
school had been the furry wonder's first day home alone and
he was long overdue for some quality boy-time. Matt was
finally free to smile for the first time all day and they
soaked up each other's affection. When Joanna arrived home
two hours later, she smiled at the warm snoozing heap of boy
and puppy curled up on the living room rug.

She sat down quietly in the recliner and watched the relaxed
rhythm of Matt's chest rising and falling in what appeared
to be blissful sleep. More was occurring than met the eye
and Matt's inner-fears were at work under the surface,
invading his subconscious as they often did.

A sudden convulsion of movement brought boy and dog onto all
fours and startled yelps from the latter. Matt looked around
the room in a sleepy daze before catching the shape of his
mother who was now sitting up on the edge of her seat with
concern draped on her face.

"Are you OK, son?" She made her way down to the floor and
kneeled beside him. Matt nodded a foggy and unconvincing
"yes."

"I thought your nightmares had stopped?"

"They did. This was just something random, I think. I don't
really remember." But he did.

"How did everything go at school?" Joanna wasn't easing off
on the concern.

Matt sat up and tried to find his bearings. The dream had
rattled him badly. "OK, I guess."

"Talk to me, Matthew." Joanna wiped back a bead of sweat
from Matt's brow.

"I just miss Chris really bad. I'll be all right, mom." Matt
willed the tears to stay behind his forbidding lids. He was
determined to have cried his last cry as a fourteen year
old. If he could only hold out one more night, he'd make it.

"I understand, honey. I'm sure he misses you just as much. I
miss him too."

"There was one surprise at school today."

"Oh really? What was it?" Joanna held her breath for the
answer.

"Remember the preacher's son? From the church dad made us go
to against our will?"

Joanna smiled in relief. "Yes, son. I don't recall his name,
but I remember the boy."

"Well, he's going to my school now. He used to be home-
schooled but his mom took a job in town because she kicked
his dad out."

"Oh my. I'd like to say I'm surprised but I'm not, really. I
didn't much like that man."

"I didn't like what he said, but he didn't seem like a bad
guy otherwise. Joshua Taylor is the son's name. Josh said
that his dad kept getting into `trouble.' Does that mean
what I think it means? Like woman trouble?" Matt raised his
brow and looked at his mom with curiosity.

"If his mom kicked his dad out, it probably does mean
something like that. He did have an overabundance of charm.
Maybe he just couldn't keep it all focused in the right
direction. Is Josh a nice boy?"

Matt reflected on the definition of "nice." "He seems to be
cool. I think he hit it off really well with Tommy. They
both like horses and nature stuff. I like that stuff too,
but just not as much as Tommy does."

"I'm sure both you and Tommy could use another friend. And
it sounds like Josh could use a few friends himself."

"He wasn't very shy for a kid who stays home all the time.
Plus they've moved all over the country with his dad working
at different churches and all." Matt had found this to be
the second most curious thing about Josh, second only to his
willingness to stand in harm's way.

"Matt, he's probably been exposed to a lot of people. I
would imagine a pastor's family interacts with their church
family quite a lot. And if he's moved around, he's had to
get used to new people. He's had more experience adjusting
to change than most kids your age."

"I wish I didn't have any experience at it. Mom, sometimes I
wish we had stayed in California. Maybe everybody would have
been better off. You and dad came out here so I could be
happier and look." Now, he was revealing more than he
intended.

"We don't know what would have happened if we'd stayed. But
Matthew, when you think about Chris and Tommy, do you really
think THEY wish you'd stayed in California? I know they
don't, Matt. I've been around long enough to know and, I
promise you, they wouldn't send you back. I still think we
did the right thing but I know it's been tough on you
lately. I'm proud of you, really proud. You've grown up so
much since we came here. You're not going to be my little
boy much longer. You'll be fifteen tomorrow and I still
can't believe it." Motherly pride and love radiated from
Joanna's face. A case of Empty Nest Syndrome was already
starting to build its way into her bones even though college
was still well over three years away.

Matt wasn't ready to surrender the title of "little boy"
just yet. "I've still got plenty of growing up to do. And
don't you and dad get any crazy ideas about making a little
brother to replace me."

Joanna burst into laughter. "Don't worry. Digger is the
closest thing you're going to get to a little brother in
this house."

Matt turned serious again. "I hope Chris calls soon. I
really want to find out how his day went." And he really
just wanted to hear his voice. Joanna gave him an
encouraging smile.

"You have basketball practice tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah, until 5:30"

"OK, well, shower at school. Your dad is coming home early
and we're going out together for dinner. We'll pick you up
and go straight into town."

"Where are we going?"

"Oh, we'll go out and eat fresh pizza in a restaurant for a
change. I know you don't want to do anything fancy. We'll
keep it very casual."

"OK, that sounds fine." Again, he thought of Chris and how
he'd looked forward to these special moments together. Matt
thought back to the old photos he'd seen on his first trip
to the Briggs' house. He thought back to all the times they
had missed apart.

For as many of his previous fourteen birthdays as he could
remember, Matt had a cake and just a small gathering with
his mom and dad. A few times, his grandma and an occasional
cousin from his mom's side would be present. But there was
never anything you'd call a party and he never experienced
it with a best friend or a boyfriend. Matt thought of
inviting Tommy, but decided it might be better to just go it
alone with his folks. If they went somewhere local, there
would be someone there to stare at them. But it would be
great to have Tommy with him.

"Mom, can we go into Charlotte. I mean, I don't really like
any of the local pizza places that much. I'm tired of them."

"It's your birthday, we'll go wherever you want to go." But
Joanna knew how much Matt loved Pappy's Pizza. It was a
small local joint and Matt hadn't had pizza from there in
several weeks.

"Is it OK if I invite Tommy?" This seemed like a safe plan.

"We're already picking him up before we come and get you."
Joanna smiled.

"Thanks, mom. You don't miss much do you?"

"Even less than you realize." She patted him on the head as
she stood up and walked to the kitchen.

Chris called after dinner.

"Hey! How was the first day at the new school?" Matt asked.

"It was OK. It's a really big city school. At least four
times as big as our school was, so it was easy to blend in.
How was the first day back?" Matt paused for a second,
unsure where to start. "Matt? What happened?"

"I got looked at funny a lot today but it wasn't so bad."

"Who looked at you funny?"

"Everybody except Tommy and Josh."

Chris sighed. "Did anybody give you a hard time? And who is
Josh?"

"Oh yeah, Joshua Taylor, he's the new kid here. He just
started today after being home-schooled before." Matt
replied.

"Oh, OK. That name sounds familiar."

"His father was the preacher at the church my dad made us go
to that one time. He seems pretty cool. Tommy thought so, at
least." Matt thought so too.

"You didn't answer my other question." Chris reminded.

"Nobody hassled me, really. It was just a long weird day. I
heard some stuff but I'm OK." Matt wished he hadn't
mentioned it.

"Like what kind of stuff?" Chris insisted.

"Faggot and somebody on the bus called me a rich little
queer. But I'm all right, really. I can handle it." Matt
didn't want Chris worrying about him. There was nothing he
could do anyway.

"Man, I knew that shit was going to happen! Who said it?"

"Chris, just let it go. I'm not worried about it, OK?"

"I wish I was there to face it with you. I feel like I've
gone into the witness protection program or something. No
one here knows anything about me."

"Don't feel guilty about it, Chris. It's a fresh start.
Believe me, I know what it feels like. But I hope yours
works out as well as mine. I mean, I don't want you to meet
anyone like I did. Like you. Shit, you know what I'm trying
to say, don't you?"

"Matt, don't worry about me meeting anyone to replace you. I
don't even want any friends right now, not that I could make
any if I did want to. It's really different here. This
school is so big and I just can't get used to living in the
city. I don't like it. I still can't believe I'm here. It's
like a nightmare I can't wake up from."

"I know. I really missed you today. I looked for you a
couple of times, just out of habit I guess." Matt's voice
trailed off.

The conversation paused as both boys grew quiet.

Chris broke the silence. "My mom is walking around the
apartment. It seems like the only time she can get on her
feet is when I'm on the freaking phone. I'm gonna let you
go."

"All right. I love you, Chris."

"I love you, too. And I can't tell you how bad I miss you
already. This just sucks, Matt."

"I know, Chris. I know."

"And Matt, one more thing. Happy Birthday tomorrow. I'll be
thinking about you and I'll call you tomorrow night for
sure."

"Man, you remembered!" Matt was pleased.

"Of course I remembered." Chris was serious.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be surprised. I just figured you had
so much on your mind."

"Matt, you're on my mind. You're the only thing that's
keeping me going right now. The few minutes we get to talk
are what I look forward to."

"Chris, if you were here right now."

"What? You can tell me."

"I better not. Some poor old operator might be listening in.
I wouldn't want to get her all hot and bothered." Matt
smiled into the receiver.

"Shit! My mom keeps looking at me like she wants to chew me
out. I'll call you tomorrow night." Chris cast a glare in
her direction.

"We're going out for pizza. I'll probably be home by 9:00"

"OK, I'll catch you later then."

"Later." Matt repeated.

No goodbyes.

Matthew Jordan's fifteenth birthday brought him still more
unwanted attention. Everywhere he went, eyes followed. Some
of the jabs had gotten more vocal, especially the ones from
the juniors and seniors, though the scattering of basketball
teammates among the freshmen and sophomores seemed to help
lessen the insults from the lower classes.

He had been very quiet in homeroom, leaving Tommy mostly
alone and causing him some discomfort in the process. With
lunch now at hand, Matt looked on at the gathering in the
cafeteria. Tommy was already seated and Matt saw that Josh
was sitting with him. Perfect. Tommy wasn't alone and there
was no reason to bring them any extra attention. Eating
wasn't very high on the priority list for Matt right now and
he decided to stay away from the common area around the
courtyard. There was a place that came to mind; a place that
brought back memories, so he decided to pay it a visit.

The baseball field dugout area was several hundred yards
from the main gym complex and faced in the other direction.
On an earlier day, he and Chris had found privacy here for
their first serious talk. The wood bench felt frozen
compared to that first visit in late summer. This would make
an easy place to get away to for thirty minutes each day and
was much preferred to the free-for-all in the cafeteria.
Tommy wouldn't like it, but Matt was determined to shield
him as much as he could. Being seen in his company just
wasn't a good thing right now, maybe not ever again. This
seemed as safe a refuge as he would find; safe from the
disapproving hordes, and safe for those he felt the need to
protect from his presence. At least, it seemed safe.

"Who are you hiding from?"

Matt nearly jumped out of his shoes before fumbling is
reply. "I'm. not hiding from anyone."

Ty Wilson coolly looked him over. "OK, whatever." Matt broke
eye contact with him and made a step to leave the dugout. Ty
grabbed him by the arm. "Wait a minute, where you going?"

"Let me go!" Matt was definitely showing fear this time.

"No, I don't think I will just yet." Matt tried to pull away
and the older, stronger boy responded by pushing him against
the dugout wall, placing his forearm firmly against Matt's
chest to hold him in place. The rough treatment and close
proximity to Ty brought a full panic by Matt. He felt
cornered and for good reason.

Ty kept a cool demeanor and kept his eyes focused on Matt's,
only adding to the intimidation. "You see, I've got a little
score to settle with you. You cost me something that I
valued. Something I had put a lot of time and effort into.
You know what I'm talking about." He wasn't asking.

"Let go of me. I don't have any fucking idea what you're
talking about." Matt pushed back hard against the arm in his
chest, but Ty just pushed back with force he couldn't equal,
penning him harder against the wall.

"Yeah, you do. You little spy! Katie told me what you saw.
She didn't want to tell me but I didn't take no for an
answer. She actually thought she was just going to break off
our arrangement without telling me why." Ty shook his head
from side to side in mock disbelief.

"I wasn't spying! I didn't mean to see the two of you."

"Yeah, I bet. You probably stood there and watched too. It
wouldn't surprise me if you pulled out your little queer
dick and played with yourself while you did it. Did you do
that too?"

"NO! I was just there to talk to Katie. I had no idea what
the two of you were up to. Listen, I'm sorry I saw what I
did. But I wasn't spying on anybody!"

"It doesn't really matter anymore. You still cost me
something. I spent all that time getting her trained just
right and you fucked it up for me. But maybe we can work
something out." Ty flashed his signature controlling smile.

Matt made a last wild push to get free causing Ty to slide a
forearm up just under Matt's neck and making it difficult
for him to breathe. "Just let me go." Matt coughed out the
futile request.

"You better calm down before I have to hurt you. OK?" Ever
calm, he waited for Matt to weakly nod before easing the
pressure on his neck. "The way I figure it, you've probably
already had lots of experience and I bet you're pretty good
at it too." He brushed his thumb over Matt's lips.

"What? Do you think I'm some fucking whore?" Matt lunged
again and Ty penned him again.

"No, I don't think you're a whore. I just think you like
dick. And I'm not prejudiced. You can get what you want and
I get what I want. It's a fair trade and I think it's what
you owe me. Nobody will know. I sure won't tell anyone and
you better not either. Not ever!" Ty brushed his thumb
harder over Matt's lips, this time forcing his thumb inside
Matt's mouth, much to Matt's protest. "You know it's what
you want. Why don't you drop down and give me a sample?"

Matt heard the familiar sound of a zipper opening and he
clamped down hard on Ty's thumb with his teeth, causing Ty
to jerk back in response while trying to save his thumb.
Catching the larger boy off balance, Matt pushed him hard
and won his freedom. He spun quickly out of Ty's reach and
bounced off the dugout fence, catching his jacket in one of
the metal loops and ripping off a pocket in the process. He
then ran to the gym and looked behind before entering the
building. Ty wasn't stupid enough to risk being seen chasing
him. Matt pulled off the damaged jacket and jogged through
the gym area and out to the other side where the classrooms
began, practically running over Tommy and Josh, who had been
looking for him.

"Matt, what's wrong?" Tommy saw the fear on Matt's face.

"I'll talk to you later." Matt could barely speak and he
kept walking to nowhere in particular.

As Matt kept moving, he could only think of Chris's words:
"Show No Fear." As the weeks passed, he repeated the words
over and over again and may have even convinced his face to
play the part, but the fear in his heart was too real to
hide. Silently issuing its own call of distress, Matt's
heart only knew one word: "Chris!"

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Please keep the responses coming: ehman@ehmanpenn.com or
ehman_penn@yahoo.com

You can also get progress reports, leave comments and
discuss the story on the website: http://www.ehmanpenn.com

Note: A long-overdue thanks to Lee "The Editor" for his kind
review of my grammar. All remaining mistakes are strictly my
own. Also a special thanks to Alan. You've challenged me to
think about the story in ways that only a skilled Professor
could. Last and not least, thanks to Isaiah, author of
`Discovering The Truth.' His first reads are appreciated
more than he knows. I highly recommend his story which can
be found in this same archive.

There are many more to thank but I feel as if I've abused my
privileges with these three in particular.