Date: Thu, 21 Nov 2002 23:25:20 -0800 (PST)
From: Ehman Penn <ehman_penn@yahoo.com>
Subject: Matthew Figures It Out - Part 7

This is the continuation of the first story I've ever
written. The feedback has been great and has given me the
confidence to pursue a different story line than I had
originally planned. Please continue sending your honest
feedback to ehman_penn@yahoo.com

This story is 100% fiction and about 15% true. Don't read it
if there's any chance that doing so might send you or the
author to jail. This story is also copyrighted by the author
and cannot be altered or reproduced without his consent.

*****************************

Matthew Figures It Out - Part 7


....There was no way I could tell Chris about Katie. That
wasn't even an option. I was suddenly overcome with a real
fear that he would kill someone if he found out about this.
That couldn't be left to chance, but I couldn't put a plan
together this quick. I couldn't believe she would be so
careless, that they would be so careless. Ty probably got
off extra hard from the risk, but he wouldn't get off if
Chris got his hands around his neck. Right now, I had to get
my composure. Later I had to make a plan. I breathed easier
knowing that Tommy would find him for me, and at least keep
him safely away from here.

This had raised the stakes for everyone. I had to figure
this out....

"Think, Matthew think." My mind was reeling. I couldn't
believe she could be so conniving and selfish. I also
couldn't believe she could be so stupid. She had to know
what Chris was capable of when pushed. The picture of her
sobbing face came back to my mind. She had told Ty that this
wasn't "fair to Chris". Katie had made quite a mess for
herself too. She was a beautiful girl, but Katie wasn't from
a life of privilege. Tommy said she lived with her mom in a
trailer across the woods from him and Chris. Her father had
left the two of them when she was barely old enough to walk.
It seemed to me that servicing Ty in secret was about as
close to his throne as she would ever get. She just didn't
have royalty in her bloodline. I couldn't possibly get up
the nerve today, but I still had to talk to her soon before
someone got hurt.

Tommy was boring Chris with the on-going debate about
whether a nipple would grow back when I found them sitting
at a corner table in the cafeteria.

"Where have you been?" Chris threw out his hand for our
customary greeting.

"Man, my stomach has been kind of funky this morning." The
source of my nausea was more than he needed to know right
now.

"Please Mattie, spare us the details. I just had left-over
pizza for the fifteenth time this month." Tommy leaned
behind Chris and winked at me as he said this. I smiled and
nodded. Good move Tommy. I noticed Chris glancing around the
cafeteria, looking for Katie.

"So did you ask him?" I confused Chris with the question,
exactly as I had planned. "Did you ask Tommy about giving us
a hand in algebra?" I never got around to actually
discussing this with Tommy, but now seemed like as good a
time as any. Tommy gave me a look like he was being setup.
He was. "Tommy, here's the deal. Chris is failing algebra.
If he fails algebra this quarter, then his dad won't let him
play basketball. Tommy, you're like a math genius. He needs
your help." We were really putting poor Tommy on the spot. I
could tell he wasn't sure he wanted this job. "Chris has
algebra for third period. We could work on it together at
lunch each day, just enough to get him over the hump.
Please?" Tommy finally agreed. He couldn't refuse me and I
would find a way to make it up to him. Chris smiled,
impressed with my negotiating skills. Too bad my dad wasn't
here; he would have been impressed too. Like father, like
son. None of this solved the much bigger and more dangerous
problem still weighing heavily on my mind. Just then, the
smile fell from Chris's face and he stood without
announcement and walked toward the food line. Katie had just
walked in alone and was grabbing a juice. I watched Chris
approach her but he didn't make his normal warm efforts. She
received him just as coolly and they walked through the line
together before sitting alone at a table on the far side of
the cafeteria.

While I had been watching them, Tommy had been watching me.
I'm sure he saw the pain and concern in my eyes. When I
snapped out of it and looked him in the eyes, he gave me a
reserved smile. I sighed and let my eyes fall down to the
top of the fold-out table. I looked back up at Tommy and he
still had me in his sights. It was time to spill a bean or
two.

"Tommy, I know I can trust you, right?" I paused to make
sure he was grasping the seriousness of my request. "If this
were just about me, I wouldn't even ask. But I need to know
for sure that you can keep a secret." I stopped and waited
for his confirmation.

"Mattie, who am I going to tell?" Point well taken.

"You're not going to tell anybody, not your folks, not your
preacher, not anybody. Even if some old redneck hillbilly
kidnaps you and tortures you, you won't even tell him. Got
it?" I was serious. This was a matter of life and death. I
had finally realized that I could trust Tommy with anything.
I needed to talk with someone about this. I also needed for
him to know where I was coming from, or at least know what I
was willing to tell him.

"Ok, Mattie. I understand." With his words, I briefly put my
hand on his forearm and smiled my appreciation. Tommy lit up
like a Christmas tree.

I looked around to make sure no one could hear, and then I
leaned across the table and told him in barely a whisper.
"Chris and Katie have been fighting a lot and Chris has been
really depressed about it. That's the real reason he is
failing algebra." Tommy nodded attentively, now he knew why
I had put him on the spot. I continued. "Katie has been
treating him really bad and I made up my mind to have a talk
with her about it." Tommy's eyes got bigger, surprised by my
boldness. "Anyway, I followed her into the auditorium." My
heart was racing again, the fresh memory still very vivid in
my mind. Tommy waited patiently, his eyes now as big as
saucers. If he was breathing, I couldn't tell it. I looked
around again before continuing and then focused intently
into Tommy's eyes. "I found Katie blowing Ty Wilson in the
back of the auditorium stage." Tommy's mouth dropped wide
open and his eyes moved to Chris and Katie sitting across
the cafeteria before moving back to join eye contact with
me. We both paused for a minute, giving me time to calm my
racing heart and Tommy time to absorb the full impact of
what I had just revealed.

"He'll kill him." Tommy's short observation summed it up.

"Exactly, Tommy. Now you know why I was so freaked out when
you found me before lunch. What if that had been Chris who
found them instead of me?" We paused again.

"Did they see you?"

"No, Tommy. Nobody saw me."

"What exactly did you see?" Tommy was naturally curious and
asked this rather shyly. I gave him all the juicy details.
It was the least I could do considering what I had dragged
him into.

"Ty Wilson is a dead man." Tommy read the verdict, but we
had to find a way to keep the sentence from being carried
out. Ty might be the dead man but Chris's future, and mine,
would die along with him if it came to that.

"I've got to talk to her and make her bring this to a stop.
It's still not too late, I hope." I wasn't sure I believed
it myself. Tommy shook his head in obvious disbelief.

"Mattie, how are you going to do that?" He asked a good
question. I wished I had an answer and I wished that I had a
plan. Tommy looked at me with real concern in his eyes,
concern for me and what I was getting myself into.

"Tommy, Chris is such a good guy. I don't understand why
shit like this happens to him. Jay Henson, Chris's own mom
and dad, now this." Chris was accumulating quite the
emotional rap sheet.

"What about his mom?" Tommy didn't know the full story and I
assured him he didn't want to. There was too much other
stuff to worry about to get consumed with something we
couldn't change.

"Tommy my brother, just work with me. Please. I don't know
exactly what to do or how to do it. But I know I need to
depend on you. Chris needs both of us, Tommy." Tommy had
been drafted into this fight, but I knew he would give me
all he had. Another alliance had been made.

The little warrior within me continued to prepare for the
battle ahead. The warrior could hear the drums beating off
in the distance, getting a little closer each day. Tomorrow,
he would fight.

Tommy nodded behind me and I turned to see Chris approaching
our table again, looking aggravated. As he strolled by, he
just rolled his eyes and ran a loose hand across my back
keeping his stride. Almost out the door, he stopped and
looked back in at Tommy. "Thanks Tommy, for agreeing to help
me." Chris was only talking about algebra as he had no idea
of just how deep Tommy had committed to help. A warm smile
of appreciation and Chris was on his way. It did Tommy a
world of good. I think he was still a little scared of
Chris. Chris always found little ways to impress me. He
didn't have to stop and thank him. Tommy had already agreed
to help with his algebra. It was just one of those little
personal details that Chris took care of so well. Once Chris
was out the door, I looked across for Katie. She was still
sitting there alone. I decided to try for a warm-up,
something to help my nerves for later. I carried my lunch
tray toward the trashcans and walked by Katie's table as I
went.

"Hi Katie." She didn't even acknowledge my existence, off in
some distant place in her own mind. Even if not for the
hissy-fit she threw after the pizza incident, I still don't
think she would have given me the time of day. The more I
observed of Katie, the more I had her figured out. She was
all about social structure and people staying in their
place. It struck me as an odd philosophy for a girl who
lived in a trailer. The social structure she was building
around herself was definitely built on a poor foundation, in
my mind. I doubted that she was very concerned with my
opinion of her little world. On my return trip from the
trashcans, I decided to try again. "Hey Katie, are you OK?"
She genuinely looked a little down. This time she noticed
me, and quickly made me long for the days when she paid me
no attention at all.

"What? Why are you talking to me? Stay away from me!" With
that, she stood and marched out of the cafeteria. Katie had
a voice that carried well in an open space. So much for my
little warm-up. I turned to face the laughing stares of all
who were left in the cafeteria, all except Tommy at least.
He was wincing badly and had slid almost underneath our
table in sympathizing embarrassment. Instinctively, I
decided to deal with the situation with as much humor as
possible. Using both hands overlapping, I clutched my heart
and feigned pain, staggering back over to Tommy. He gave me
a priceless look of amused bewilderment. It was definitely
all an act and my hands were shaking badly when I pulled
them down and placed them back flat on top of the table.
Tommy looked me over and frowned. Now my nerves were shot at
the very thought of trying this again. I wasn't going to be
dissuaded so easily, though. I had to deal with her soon. I
would never be able to live with myself if I let Chris do
himself or someone else harm because I couldn't stop it.

It rained for the third day in a row. Basketball tryouts
started next week and I was beginning to wonder if I could
live up to my end of the bargain. I needed practice time and
had already planned with Chris to practice each day after
school for the rest of this week, plus Saturday afternoon.
Actually, it was good that it rained today because I had a
dentist appointment this afternoon anyway. My mom came and
picked me up right after school and we drove back into town
for my appointment. After my appointment, we would spend the
rest of the day at her at work and close up shop before
coming home. Still heavy on my mind was my looming
confrontation with Katie. The dread was almost overwhelming
and I still didn't know what I was going to say.

After a cleaning and check-up at the dentist, I settled in
at the vet office where my mom worked for what little time
was left in the day. Her patients this afternoon included a
few cats and dogs with a pot-bellied Vietnamese pig thrown
in for good measure. It must have had a nasty belly ache and
when it squealed out, I had a flash-back to `Deliverance'.
Some nightmares don't die easy. Dr. Boyd the vet had left
early this afternoon and the other vet assistant begged my
mom to cover for her so she could leave a few minutes early.
It was dark outside and we were finally alone and just about
to lock up when I heard a truck slide into the rainy parking
lot and the front door of the office burst open shortly
after.

Panicked, breathing heavily, now standing in the lobby
completely drenched and holding a badly injured English
collie in his arms was none other than Jay Henson. I was
shocked at his appearance and made brief startled eye
contact with him before my mother rushed over to the collie
and waved Jay back into the rear of the office.

"Come on Matt, I'm going to need your help." My mom was
frantic. I could tell in her voice that things didn't look
good. The collie was badly hurt and breathing in loud gasps,
whimpering ever so softly in between. He appeared to be an
older collie and even soaked in rain with traces of blood,
his brown and white coat stood out proudly from his injured
frame. We all hurried to the back of the office where
several large tables with stainless steel tops were used for
a variety of intense procedures.

"Son, what happened to him?" My mom just called Jay Henson
`son'. This whole experience was very surreal to me. I truly
felt like I had walked right into some dream playing out in
my head, but this was no dream.

"I was pulling into the drive and he was just so excited
that I was home." Jay didn't know where to start and was
struggling. Whatever persona he tried to carry at school had
been stripped away by the reality and urgency of this
moment. This was no time for putting up fronts and pretended
emotions. Pausing to gather his breath, he finally
continued. "He ran right out in front of a car coming from
the other direction. It hit him really hard." With the end
of this sentence, there seemed to be some acknowledgement on
Jay's face that his efforts might be futile. It all struck
me as particularly tragic. If a `human' friend were struck
violently by a car right in front of our eyes, teams of
psychologists and therapists would be volunteered to help
manage the trauma and shock to your own psyche. Society just
didn't measure the same emotional weight for the loss of a
close pet friend. Judging by the speed of his arrival and
the tightly clinched jaw he spoke with, I would say there
was a long history of friendship between Jay and his collie.
No doubt, they had been through a lot together. Guessing at
the collie's age, Jay might have only been a toddler when
their nearly life-long bond together started. I didn't
really know Jay at all. I knew the two of us were linked in
some vague and disturbing way through Chris. I grudgingly
admitted that Chris must have hurt him badly once, Jay
losing the hearing in one ear as a result. I knew that he
was a loner and that he didn't like me, but there were lots
of older kids who didn't like younger kids, especially
younger new kids like me. There was a natural pecking order
after all. Jay might be a fellow freshman due to lost school
time during his injuries, but there was more than just the
one year age difference between us. He seemed even older
than that to me, but any boy with his own truck seemed much
older to me. Right now though, he was just a cold wet little
boy, scared of losing the best friend he probably ever had.
Maybe the only true friend he had ever had. I felt really
badly for him.

"What's his name, son?" My mom didn't treat animals like
objects. They were real beings, with real names, real
feelings, real emotions, and real friends.

"It's Shep, mam." Jay answered softly without looking my mom
in the eyes. He was staring attentively into the eyes of his
injured friend.

"Matthew, come over here and just help keep Shep's back legs
in place on the table. I don't want to strap him down until
I can see where the injuries are and I don't want him to
kick and slide himself off the table." I followed my mom's
orders exactly. Jay never lost touch with his collie,
rubbing his back and soothing him as much as he could. I
noticed traces of blood on Jay's hands, as well as on his
shirt. I locked my hands on both sides of the collie's back
legs, creating a human brace in case he made a sudden lunge,
but putting no pressure on his injuries. My mom looked the
collie over closely, wincing several times during the
process. From this close, it was obvious even to me that
this couldn't have a happy ending. I looked for some sense
of hope in my mom's eyes, but none was there.

My mom looked up sadly at Jay and shook her head. "I'm so
sorry." She was. No sooner had she said it, when the
collie's whimpers became louder. The erratic breathing had
lost any rhythm and there were now long, painful pauses
between the gasps. I was now witness and party to the most
intimate of all of life's events as a life was passing right
before us. Jay didn't flinch when my mom gave him the bad
news I'm sure he already expected. Instead he leaned down
and tried to offer what comfort he could to the final
moments of his old friend's life. His left hand had moved to
the soft underside of the collies face and he was rubbing it
softly. I could hear him whispering softly and reassuringly
in the collie's ear.

"It's ok, buddy. It's ok." Jay closed his eyes but that
didn't stop the tears. Keeping his eyes closed and the touch
of his hands gentle and slow, he continued his reassurances.
"I'll be ok. Just let go... Just let go. I'll be ok... Just
let go." It was as if the old collie heard and understood
him in tone if not in words, and in some way trusted Jay's
promise. His whimpers calmed and his breathing eased back
into one last long slow rhythm. I found myself gently
rubbing the collies back leg, trying to offer what little
distant comfort I could. The moment was far too powerful for
me and quiet tears streamed down my face. I fought hard
against any need to make noise, unwilling to intrude further
on this private moment between best friends. Jay's eyes
reopened and they watched my hand rubbing the collie before
his eyes rose to join mine. He was in a silent steady cry,
his face unyielding but his eyes disobedient. I had seen
this look somewhere else. I held his gaze only long enough
to offer my silent condolences before looking away. Finally,
the last moment came and went. The old collie had passed on,
now well beyond the reach of pain and suffering. Jay's eyes
fell absently on the now lifeless body, but he continued
rubbing the collie's face and back for another minute.
Finally, he sighed deeply and stood upright, running his
arms back underneath the collie, lifting him into the air
and hugging him firmly against his own chest. He met my
mother's eyes and nodded his appreciation to her before
turning back toward the front lobby and making his way
toward the parking lot, the body of his old friend firmly in
his embrace. I went forward to open the door for him and
also stepped out into the parking lot before realizing that
Jay had never closed the front door of his truck from his
arrival, oblivious to the rain and elements. He placed his
lifeless friend back into the front seat he had arrived in
and closed the passenger door. Standing there in the steady
rain, he paused and looked back at me uttering a well-meant
but chilling warning. "Be careful." His eyes held mine for a
moment. There was no menace in them, no emotion in them at
all really. There simply was none left. With that, he walked
slowly around to the driver's side, started his truck and
pulled slowly and easily out of the parking lot. The truck
that had arrived like an ambulance now had the movements and
body language of a hearse. I stood there in the rain
mesmerized by the moment and the warning, goose-bumps
covering me from head to toe.

"Matthew, you're getting soaked!" My mom startled me out of
the trance I was fixed in. As I walked back in, she hugged
me pulling me closely to her. "Are you OK, Matt?"

"Yeah, mom. I'm--I'm OK." I wasn't very convincing because
really I wasn't OK at all. The whole experience had been far
too surreal, and far too painful and disturbing. I had yet
to have an encounter with Jay that didn't shake me to the
core. This one wasn't his fault, but in some way that made
it all the more powerful. His mere presence served as a cold
reminder to me of how little I knew about the boy I loved.
Why did Chris hurt him? Before today, I had the convenience
of only looking at Jay as some distant victim, likely
deserving of whatever he got. There I went again:
"Deserving". Nobody deserved what he got. Seeing Jay lose a
part of his life tonight made him so much more real to me
and so much more human. Now we seemed bonded together in yet
another way. We were connected somehow by Chris, and we both
had shared in the intimate experience of death, along with
my mom. One thing was for sure, I would never be able to
look at Jay the same way again.

We drove quietly home in the rain, both of us drained. I
never knew how emotional my mom's job could be. Losing a
close pet really was like losing a close friend for some,
like losing a child for others. My mom had to be part
doctor, part psychologist, part priest, and mostly friend to
all who suffered such a loss. I noticed her right hand
trembling a bit, having moved from the steering wheel to sit
nervously on top of her leg. She hadn't spoken for several
minutes. I reached out and took her hand in my left,
reaching over with my right hand also, rubbing in on top
trying to warm her and ward off the trembles she felt
inside. She glanced over at me, smiling sadly. I could see a
trail of tears from the reflections of headlights in the
oncoming traffic. My mom wisely put both hands back on the
wheel and I scooted over and rested my body squarely up
against her to reinforce my emotional support. No words were
spoken, just a mother and son making their way together from
a sad place on a dark night.

As I lay in bed, violent flashes of the tragedy that Jay had
witnessed popped unwelcome into my mind, like the increasing
lightning from the fall storm brewing outside. I tried to
shake the imagery from my head, but I couldn't. I could see
morbid shock on his face as the accident first unfolded. I
could see his panicked look as he must have sprinted to the
injured collie's side. I could see the tragic hurt in his
face as the sad realization must have begun to sink in. I
could see the fight and determination that led to the rush
to my mom for help. From there, I simply recalled the very
real images that were stuck in my mind, playing over and
over. I sniffled as the whimpering sounds of the collie rang
back into my ears. Again, I heard Jay's quiet plea "just let
go", "just let go". His last reassurance to his old friend
"I'll be OK". I felt some misplaced anger at Chris, quickly
followed by the recollection of that same look of hurt on
his own face, that haunting look of quiet tears. Southern
boys must be taught to cry that way. I slept very little on
this night, too many dramas playing out in my head.  My eyes
opened wide awake after only a brief lapse. I had to deal
with Katie. The little warrior within me swallowed hard at
the fresh realization.

My alarm clock almost brought a sense of relief. An endless
night of drifting in and out of sleep had come to an end.
Today I was resolved to fight, and to win. I put aside my
dread and went about the routines of the morning. Third
period seemed to last for three days and I was the first to
bolt out the door when the bell rang. I didn't know where
Katie would wind up, but I knew she would be leaving Mr.
Clark's history class and I sprinted there to catch her
before she disappeared. I already had the battlefield picked
out as well. Thanks to our school's unbridled growth, we had
yet another new trailer, really a double-wide, meant to
serve as a temporary classroom. This one was quite new and
not even in full service yet. I just needed one lucky break,
the door needed to be unlocked. I had seen the maintenance
guys going in and out earlier this morning. Surely, I could
catch just this one break. I startled her, as it seemed like
I always did. She tried to dismiss me as easily as the day
before, but the warrior stood his ground.

"We need to talk about Chris." This seemed to at least get
her attention. She cut me a very irritated but curious look.
"We need to find some privacy." I looked warily around
making sure Chris wasn't watching this unfold. Katie didn't
say a word, but I had her attention for sure. I led her
around the back corner of the building, just a few yards
from where I had intercepted her. Oh please God, let it
open. It did and I held the door for her as she
unappreciatively stepped inside ahead of me.

"You little shit! How dare you!" She fired the first shot
before I even had a chance to draw my verbal gun. She was
really fuming and I hadn't even gotten started yet.

"Do you love him, Katie?" I knew she didn't, but I wanted
her to admit it at least to herself.

"How dare you!" Again. She had no idea how far I would dare.
"You little pervert. You don't think I notice your little
looks at him?" I didn't see that one coming. I started to
wonder if I had led myself right into an ambush. I had to
refocus fast.

"Oh, you can insult me all you want." She would. "But Chris
and I are best friends now. You better get used to that idea
and you better get used to me." I had regained some
momentum, briefly knocking her off balance, far too briefly.
She couldn't tolerate my presence any easier than I could
tolerate hers. Girls were mean fighters, especially a former
tom-boy like Katie.

"And I'm his GIRLFRIEND and you better get used to that
idea." She almost punched me with her eyes, she said it so
hard. There was simply no way she was going to accept me as
any type of equal in this conversation. As she brushed past
me and reached for the door, I unloaded both barrels
squarely into her back. She just had to be stopped.

"Are you sure you're not Ty Wilson's GIRLFRIEND?" She froze,
completely suspended in mid-reach. She spent a good minute
gathering herself before turning ever so slowly to face me,
her eyes intense and now locked onto mine. I swallowed hard
and hoped she didn't notice. I didn't want to be the first
to blink. Slowly, she walked right back up in front of my
face, only inches separating us. She was calm. I liked it
better when she was screaming. I could see her mind working,
trying to figure me out!

"You better be careful." Popular advice these days. "You go
spreading rumors like that and you might just get hurt."
Enough was enough. I was tired of the bullshit. Too much was
at stake. The warrior rose.

"Cut the fucking bullshit, Katie!" It just burst out of me.
Now I was getting cranked up. "You can blow Ty Wilson in the
auditorium with the curtains raised and the whole fucking
school watching for all I care, except for one important
FORGOTTEN detail!!!" She blinked and I definitely saw it.
"CHRIS!!!" I screamed his name at her as loud as I could. I
really was tired of the bullshit. This had been building up
for way too long. "Do you want him to kill somebody? Maybe
Ty? Maybe even you? Did you even think about that? How about
himself, Katie? What if he only kills himself? Maybe that
would be OK with you?" Tears of anger now stood in my eyes,
not daring to run down my face. I had admitted to her the
fear I wouldn't even admit to myself, that somehow Chris
would abandon me along with all of his problems and his
life. She was trembling right in front of me, her face
contorting trying to keep some semblance of composure. She
couldn't pull it off.

"What do you want?" The words had to pry themselves from her
tight-lipped face. I looked her over seriously, giving
myself a moment to gather my own words and composure.

"I want you to let him go. Let him move on. I don't care
what you do with the rest of your life. Get yourself another
cover. I won't tell anyone what I know. Just let him go." She
had the hostage. All I wanted was his safe release. She was
punishment enough to herself. Again, I found myself face to
face with a part of Chris's past. It was a past I didn't fit
into, but still a path I had to backtrack through in order
to rescue our future. There was something about Katie.
Chris's own earlier quiet recollections of the youth they
had spent together had some sympathetic effect on me. She
owned the memories of a past that I could only long for. The
realization moved me further. "I know you once loved him.
What happened? How could you treat him this way? You should
have seen his face the first time he described growing up
with you." She couldn't bear the eye contact with me anymore
and I felt her drift to a different time. I had no desire to
rip her heart out, but I wanted to confirm that she at least
had one to give. "Do you have any idea what I would have
given to be you? Growing up with someone who loved me, not
growing up alone?" This struck a nerve. I had probably
revealed too much, but Katie was about to reveal even more.

"I know plenty about being alone." She didn't scream this
time, but it was a determined delivery. She raised her chin.
"I know I'm not going to grow old and alone living on scraps
in some run-down old trailer." It seems that Katie's mom had
taught her even more than she had intended. She really
wanted Katie to be the kind of woman that she was unable to
be herself; the kind of woman who would attract a man who
could provide for her. Love was a provision that had spoiled
quickly in the Barnes house. It no longer held value there.
Money and position were provisions that would last a
lifetime, or so they thought. Katie's lesson from paternal
love was that it was undependable and it hurt a lot. When
childhood friendship started to blossom into young love, she
ran straight past and into more adult ambitions. Chris had
been right from the very beginning. Her mother really had
done a real number on her. For not the first time, I felt
sympathy for Katie. She took it like a slap in the face.

"Katie, you don't need.." She could tell by the tone in my
voice where this was going and she didn't like it one bit.

"Oh, don't you give me that shit! You've got no idea, and I
don't want your sympathy. I can take care of myself just
fine." I believed her all too well. "I'll give you what you
want." She was ready to make a deal and I was ready to move
on. I didn't want to save the whole world; I only wanted to
save Chris.

"Let him go easy, but let him go. I want it done by end of
the day tomorrow and I don't want you blowing anybody else
until it's over. We never had this conversation and I never
saw what I saw. Understood?" Her eyes seared into me as I
said it. I didn't care. It was no time for
miscommunications.

"We understand each other perfectly well, and don't ever
speak to me again. Understood?" No request would make me
happier to fulfill. Katie Barnes was finally about to be
removed from my life. I might still see her, but she would
be no more than a walking ghost from the past.

"Understood." The deal was made. I walked to the door and
looked out the thin wire frame window to make sure no one
was watching. I opened the door and pointed her out. I
waited a couple minutes before re-checking and letting
myself out, breathing a huge sigh of relief. I couldn't
believe it was over. Now I would have to start my Chris
vigil. I had no idea how hard he would fall. I hoped the
breakup might actually come as a relief to him, but there
was no way to predict exactly how he would react. An
entirely new realization burst its way into my mind and it
scared me even more than Katie. Chris would be back on the
market and on the rebound. What had I done? There were lots
of eager, cute girls at school that would make a play for
Chris. With the chains unleashed, he might knock up every
girl in the school. I had replaced one dread with four
hundred new ones. It didn't matter. I felt like I had pulled
him from the path of a runaway bus, and saved myself in the
process. More than anything, I truly wanted him to be happy
and safe. Nothing else could be worthwhile if those basics
weren't in place. Still, I had to be honest and admit to
myself that I was now more scared than ever. The warrior
suddenly felt very alone.

I marched into the cafeteria. Chris and Tommy were elbows
deep together in an algebra book. Tommy's hands were wailing
wildly, as he drew vectors and fields out of thin air. Maybe
there really was hope after all, at least for algebra. Chris
didn't see me coming from behind. I plopped myself right
between him and Tommy, placing an arm around each of their
necks. I looked at one and then the other. The final
confrontation with Katie combined with the emotional
experience the night before with Jay had left me totally
drained. I couldn't say a word.

"Buddy, are you all right?" Chris was amused at first but
then showed some concern. Tommy just stared at me, unsure
how to respond.

"I don't know, guys. Right now, I'm just glad to be here.
That's all." It was true. I felt very safe between my two
best friends and I needed to be propped up a bit. After a
minute, I released them and leaned back in my chair. "You
guys keep going, looks like we're making progress." After
more prodding, they reluctantly resumed and I just sat
quietly and watched the two of them interact, really for the
first time since I'd known them. Tommy, as teacher, had
direction and purpose, no longer intimidated by Chris.
Chris, as pupil, was attentive and appreciative, no longer
forced to wear the persona of the older kid. I was proud to
have helped bring them together as friends. It was rare for
me the have this opportunity, observing them both from such
close range without the distraction of being in the
conversation. The cold front that had brought three days of
rain had finally cleared and the temperature had dropped to
the fifties. Chris was wearing a navy colored sweater. He
looked so good in a sweater, his shoulders well highlighted.
Tommy was so cute, really engaged in this new teaching
experience. I could see Tommy following his dad into
teaching someday. He had the brains and passion for it. I
wondered what Chris would be. We had spent so much time
struggling with his past and present that his future seemed
to never come up. He was really beautiful to me, the perfect
balance of a maturing body and a boys face and true heart. I
wondered if Chris found me attractive in any way physically.
He had definitely been interested in exploring with Katie. I
could see the beauty in girls but not the appeal. I glanced
around the cafeteria at some of the cute girls that would no
doubt fall all over themselves for Chris. Katie had been
tall for a girl, and slender, not really the full-figured
type. Funny thing is we were built sort of alike. Looking at
some of the other girls, some were definitely better
equipped. I peeked down at my own form, nothing to compare
in the boob department for sure. I liked my ass, but then
SOMEBODY had to like my ass. I had matured a good deal in
the last year. I thought back to how well my suit had fit
for church. I felt a little attractive, but I couldn't
answer my own basic question: Was Chris attracted to me? The
warrior started to wonder if his battle was against hopeless
odds, but in his heart of hearts, he knew it was still a
battle worth fighting to the end. The drums were a little
louder now. One small battle had been fought today, and won.
The larger battles loomed just over the horizon.



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Authors Note / November 22nd, 2002:

I welcome any questions about the story. If you think it's
too slow, I'd like to know. If you think it's just right,
I'd like to know. If I've written something that didn't make
sense to you, I'd like to know. Basically, anything you
think about this story, I'd like to know. This is still a
new experience for me and I need the feedback to let me know
if I'm still on track. I want to re-express my thanks to
everyone who has emailed me. I've taken a tremendous amount
of encouragement and motivation from your correspondence.
Again, please keep the feedback coming. The readers of this
story are still the only people I have a chance to discuss
my story with. Writing this story and corresponding with its
readers has had a tremendous positive effect on me
personally. This story represents the only true documented
expression of how I really feel about myself and the world
around me. I will promptly reply to your email.

Please keep the responses coming, good or bad:
ehman_penn@yahoo.com

Special Note to "Cali2": Your email account is returning my
replies as `unauthorized'. If you want me to reply to your
messages, please provide another email account that will
accept my returns.

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