Date: Wed, 23 Nov 2011 02:50:40 -0500
From: Jesse Jesse <gmmac1987@hotmail.com>
Subject: Matthew, My Love Pt 10

Hey guys. Thanks for all the emails about this story. A lot of you have
asked if this story is based on truth or fiction, and some upcoming
details. I hope I don't disappoint you when I give you these answers.

1: The characters are, shall we say, based on an unrequieted love interest
from my past, but is in itself fictional.

2: In regards to some of the questions/oppinions of what is going to happen
in the future, I don't really have a planned outline of how the story is
going to end. To be honest, I've sort of felt like a soap opera writer
while writing this story, sort of making it up as I go, but I do have some
general ideas as to how, eventually, it will end.

Again, thanks for all your input and comments. They're part of what drive
me on to finish the story!


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Matthew, My Love Pt 10


	This could not be happening. My world, in the space of a few
seconds it had taken Robert to tell me this devastating news, had began to
crumble around me. What little bit of hope I'd held onto had now vanished
completely, leaving me with nothing for comfort. Nothing softened the blow
as I fell back onto the floor, shaking uncontrollably. A baby. Matthew was
going to be a father. The young man that meant more to me than anything in
this world was going to be ripped away from me by a child. Though I'd admit
before anyone could point a finger that I'd done a completely idiotic thing
that night with Drew, I wasn't a fool. This baby would mean Matthew
devoting his every waking moment to his child's attention and needs, maybe
even a marriage. This was still western NC, after all. Most people around
here still had strong conservative values and beliefs. Many would expect
him to marry the girl, whether they truly loved each other or not. Where
would this leave me? I had no doubt that I would be out of Matthew's life,
but would I truly have to leave and go to my parents home? Would they even
receive me back? No. That wasn't a hard question to answer, just a simple
no. So what would I do? It was only after I'd processed all these thoughts,
how long it had truly taken I didn't know, that I realized two arms wrapped
around my rocking frame. They weren't Matthew, oh no. He'd made that
abundantly clear. These arms belonged to Robert. "Listen, kiddo, we'll
figure something out. I know, not question, I KNOW Matthew still loves you,
and I think, somewhere deep down, he still knows that too. I don't know why
he's done this. I can't give you this answer, but I KNOW he still loves
you!" Though try as Robert had to comfort me, the smile that crossed my
face wasn't from happiness. "Thanks Robert. You truly have been more of a
father to me than my own ever thought of being, but I think we both know
what this will mean for Matthew and me." Robert's face furrowed with
worry. "Alex, please don't do anything hasty. Don't jump the gun on this,
at least not until you've talked with Matthew about it." The tears came,
try as I might to quell them, they came. "Oh, Robert, we both know that if
Matthew truly felt the same for me as he did before that night, we'd not be
having this conversation to begin with. And even if you were right, I've
tried every way I know to just get Matthew's attention, so I can tell him
how sorry I am. You've seen the way he's acted toward me for almost two
months now. Yes, I counted. Next week school begins again. It's been almost
two months since that day we came home." "But, kiddo, these things have a
way of working out. It's not like he and this girl are gonna be walking
down the church aisle tomorrow. Try again! Please, Alex, for me! I never
thought I'd say this, but now I realize I have to admit it. You made
Matthew happier than anyone, friend or family, ever had before. And now to
think of him tied up in some marriage to a girl he doesn't love, just
because of one night's stupidity? I can't stand to think of it!" But it was
too late. Though my heart wracked with a pain I hadn't known was possible,
my mind was already made, and I knew what I truly had to do. "Robert,
please, just give me long enough to call a cousin of mine. I'll go stay
with her. Don't worry about telling Matthew anything. I'll tell him myself,
in my own words."

	Though we hadn't spoken in several months, due to her husband
having some health problems, I knew I could count on my cousin Carla. She
was a very loving, caring person, with a gift of being able to look past
people's `faults' and see the good within them. After several of my family
had realized that I `wasn't normal,' Carla had been one of the only ones
who still acknowledged my existence. After a few day of contemplating the
way the whole thing had worked out, it seemed almost as if it had been
meant for me to leave. Carla's husband was an extremely wealthy man, older
than Carla, and making his fortune in some company up north, before coming
south and meeting Carla. They owned a sprawling home in the one `uptown
neighborhood' in our town. As I found out on the day I called, her nanny, a
24/7 live-in worker had just left. Carla and her husband had two small
children, a twin boy and twin girl. More out of kindness and compassion
than actual belief in my talents, Carla agreed to `hire' me as a babysitter
to pay for my rent while staying with her family. My `room' turned out to
be a fully furnished suite atop the garage to the house, allowing me
privacy and alone time when I wouldn't be with the kids. The agreement was
worked out that I would `work' from the time I arrived home from school
until the kids were put to bed, and then work the full weekends to allow
Carla and her husband, who both worked, time to themselves. This schedule
left almost no time for social life, even with my friend Kyle, though this
agreed just fine with me. At least there would be less time to think about
Matthew. Carla's husband was a little wary of my working with the children,
`he's just so young,' but soon warmed to me. Though I worried at first
myself, I found that I didn't naturally connect with the children, and we
got along well. Whomever the previous nanny had been, she'd already done an
impeccable job teaching the children manners and respect. Ever request and
instruction was met with "yes sir" and "no sir." There were hardly any
times when we had disagreements or incidents of misbehavior. All-in-all,
though I still cried myself to sleep almost every night, my life could have
been much worse, and though I missed time with my friends after school
started again, I was thankful to be so busy. There was only one thing that
needed to be done now

	"Alex! Oh my god, child! Where have you been? We've been so worried
about you?!?" "Hello Mrs. Letterman." "Mrs. Letterman? Since when have you
ever called me that?" Try as I might be brave, my eyes moistened at
Nadine's question. I had never called her that, but I had to keep my
feelings in check. "I'm sorry Nadine, but I just don't know what to say
anymore." "Well, for starters, you could say that you're coming home!" "No,
I just don't think that's a good idea any more. As a matter of fact, that
why I've come by. I don't want to stay long. Just don't think I'm ready
yet, but I need to ask you a favor. I need to get this to Matthew. I guess,
if I had any balls, the right thing to do would be to tell him face to
face, but I just don't think I can. I just don't think I can face him right
now." Tears streamed down Nadine Letterman's face. "Oh, Alex. I'm so sorry
you're having to go through this. It break's my heart to see you two
separated like this, but I want you to know that I truly do understand. Are
you sure you're okay? Do you at least have somewhere to sleep?" "Yes, I've
got a job that allows me an apartment to myself. I'm babysitting for some
relatives, so I don't have to worry about being underage and all that." I
tried to give a weak chuckle. "Actually, I think they're still looking at
me as more of a charity case than an employee, but it's a place to
stay. Anyway, I just needed to drop this off. If you could just be sure he
get's it, I'd sure appreciate it." Nadine's eyes searched my face for what
seemed to me an eternity of trying to hide my pain, but then softened into
a forced smile. "All right, baby. I'll see to it that he get's it...Alex?
If you ever need any help, or if you ever just wanna talk, you still have
my cell number, right? We don't even have to talk about Matthew. Just call
me, if you just want someone to talk to."



	Matthew, My Love,

I hope this finds you doing well. Since our breakup, I've not seen you, or
anyone of your friends to see how you're doing. I know I'm probably the
last person you ever want to hear from again, but I must know in my
conscience that I've tried to apologize and explain. I'm sorry for leaving
without any notice, but I just didn't think I could tell you face to
face. Matthew, you must know, first and foremost, that I loved you, and
still love you with all my heart. I can never imagine that changing. I know
I hurt you beyond what any words could say. I betrayed you and broke your
trust in me. I don't expect this to make anything better, but I must tell
you that I was very drunk that night. You know better than anyone that I'd
never drank alcohol in my life until just after we met. We drank much more
after you went to sleep that night. I don't expect you to believe me when I
say this, but I truly believed that Drew was you that night. Between being
so drunk and wanting you so, I allowed myself to be caught up into
something that wasn't real. I had no clue what had truly happened until the
next morning when I woke up with you standing over us.

	I feel like I can say that I tried every way I could think of to
tell you how sorry I was and am before leaving, but I felt as though you
wanted nothing to do with me. You probably don't, and I can't say that I
truly blame you. After finishing this letter, however, I will be able to
say that I've tried everything I knew to do to apologize. Matthew, I want
you to know that I love you more than anything on this earth. Like I said,
that will never change. You'll always been my first, and my only, love, the
one I first shard my body with, and the one who changed my life for the
better in ways that I still cannot truly believe when I look back at what
my life was before. Nothing will ever take those feelings or memories away
from me. Unfortunately something, or someone now will change your life in
such a drastic way that I do not feel I will ever be able to win you
back. I know that it will only take one look at your child to steal your
heart away, but I want you to know that I don't say this begrudgingly. This
is as it should be. I have experienced myself and know that only someone
with the coldest, cruelest of hearts could not love their own child. I have
no doubt that you will make a wonderful, loving father. I know your sweet
baby will grow up with the best father in the world. I only hope that your
little boy or girl grows up to be as loving, caring, kind person as their
father.

	We will probably see one another some time at school Since this is
such a small town, it will probably be inevitable, but, should you even
consider such a thing, you needn't worry about having to talk. I don't
think I could face you right now. I don't want to embarrass you any more
than what I feel like I already have. If you care, I am doing physically
fine. I would be lying to say that I don't miss you. You're the last though
on my mind each night, and the first when I wake up in the morning, but I
know that now our lives are separating, and I've got to get on with mine. I
wish you all the best in life, and I want you to know that I will never
stop loving you,

Alex