Date: Mon, 5 Dec 2011 00:02:28 -0500
From: Jesse Jesse <gmmac1987@hotmail.com>
Subject: Matthew, My Love Pt 12

	I'd made my mind up. I had to talk to Drew. I'd spent the night
tossing and turning in bed, wondering "what if." Why had I turned him down?
I mean, it wasn't as if Matthew and I were going steady any more. Drew had
been nothing but a gentleman to me. He'd genuinely opened his heart to me
the other evening when he'd told me how he felt. Why had I been so stupid?
So setting my mind to speaking with him at the very first opportunity, I
found myself following him during time between classes to his morning PE
class. I was a little apprehensive about following him through the gym and
into the locker rooms, but the sight that met me when I turned the corner
into the changing room caused all that to disappear.  Before me stood a
stark naked Drew, muscles rippling. The blush that colored Drew`s face was,
at least to me, nothing short of adorable. Realizing I'd seen him, he
grabbed his towel, swearing a few choice words in the process, and fastened
it firmly around his waist. "Alex, what are you doing here?"... "I've been
wanting to talk to you. I...I...I want you to know that, if you're still
interested, I've changed my mind. I'd love to go out with you sometime."
The smile that crossed Drew's face seemed to light up the dingy locker
room. "I'm glad to hear that. What about Friday?"... "Friday"

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	Though I tried my hardest to keep busy, volunteering to stay extra
hours with the kids, tutoring during my free time at school, one thought
haunted me. Matthew had come looking for me. The question was why and how?
I'd done my best to stay away from anywhere I thought he'd be. I hadn't
spoken to any of his `friends' in months. How had he figured out where I
was? Sure, it was a small town, but Carla's home was in the one local ritzy
neighborhood, a place that hardly anyone from our school, even the most
popular of students, lived or visited. How had he found me? And more
importantly, why? Why had he sought me out now? For several weeks on end my
mind tried its hardest to answer these questions. `Maybe he found something
that belonged to me and is just now returning it.' `Maybe Sarah Shepherd
told him about us walking this way the other day.' `He could just be asking
for that old sweater he loaned me last winter.' My answer finally came on
day while making my way through the science wing at
school. "Alex...Alex...ALEX!" Shit! What was it now?!? I'd spent the last
two days tutoring a group of druggies that could hardly put two and two
together to make four. This was not the time! Wheeling around, however, I
found myself face to face with Matthew. Though my heart fluttered at the
mere sight of him, there was something different. It was the same face that
I'd woken up to so many times before, the save piercing blue eyes. What was
different? Perhaps it was the forced smile that seemed painfully etched
across his face, or the way he shifted from foot to foot. Yes, that was
definitely it. Matthew had never been nervous around me before a day in his
life. He'd never been arrogant or overly-confident, but never nervous. Why
now?

	"Alex, I've been trying to find you for ages now. Where've you
been?" The look of surprise on his face mirrored the surprise I felt myself
at my honest answer. "I've been busy. I've been trying to avoid you."
... "Avoid me? Why?" Why? He knew damn well why! He'd known for months why,
and hadn't he been the one who'd avoided me, acting as though I didn't
exist, for all that time before I'd left? No! This conversation wasn't
going to be about why I had done anything! I was not going to allow this to
be easy for him! I'd tried so many ways to apologize for what had happened,
only to be treated as though I were invisible. He wasn't going to do this
to me now! My cool voice sent a mental chill through even myself as I
replied. "Why do you thing? Are you really that dumb?" Looks of shock,
hurt, unnerve, and even a slight hint of fear registered on Matthew's face
quicker than I'd ever thought possible, and when he did answer, it his
voice was barely a whisper. "Look, Alex. I know you're hurt at me, and you
have every right to be. I know I've been an asshole. I've been a bastard. I
know that, but you have to hear me out. I..." "Why do I have to listen to
anything you have to say? I think you've made it abundantly clear how you
feel about me." "Please! Just let me talk. Just give me a little while to
explain some things. I'll listen to you insult me for the next three days,
if you'll just give me a little while. Please!" Though I felt a growing
resentment at what he was asking, my heart was conflicted. I had to admit
to myself that I'd always wondered why. Why had he done such a thing so
hurtful after he'd tried to take such a moral high-road with me over the
same thing?!? So whether it was gross curiosity or a broken heart clinging
to any measure of attention from the one it loved, I relented.

	Our small county sits on the crest of the highest section of the
Blue Ridge Mountains. The Blue Ridge Parkway is accessible from many points
and roads throughout the county. The parkway winds its way around the peaks
and ridges, and sometimes through them, with many breathtaking overlooks
along the way. It was on one of these overlooks that I found myself after
school, my heart filled with bittersweet memories of my short-lived life
with Matthew. Many of our most intimate times of overwhelming love had been
spent beneath the canopy of the autumn colored trees covering the peaks
sprawling before me. Matthew sat on the hood of his truck, staring intently
at me. "You know, I still come up here sometimes, especially when I can't
stop thinking of us." He laughed morosely. "Mom and Dad used to really
worry about me coming up here. I think they thought I was gonna jump off
the overlook!...There was a time I thought of it. My life's so screwed up,
and especially when I lost you. I didn't feel like I could stand it." "Then
why didn't you talk to me? Why did you go all that time without even
acknowledging me?"... "Because I was so ashamed of what I'd done. ...Alex,
I asked you to come up here with me to tell you the truth. As much as it
hurt when I realized what had happened between you and Drew, I had to admit
to myself that you were completely honest with me. You never tried to make
excuses or deny anything that happened.  I don't expect this to solve all
our problems, but I feel like I owe you the same honesty. The least you
deserve is to know the truth."
	The truth. Did I really want to know? Could my heart stand the
truth? Would it leave me hurting worse than I already had? But I knew the
answer. Yes, I had to hear the truth. He sat looking at me through misted
eyes, saying nothing for the longest time, but finally his thick, emotional
voice began. "The next night, after we'd come back home, I hit up some of
my old buddies from football. They were going to a party at this guys'
house they all knew. I'd never heard of him, so didn't want to go, but they
kept begging until I finally went with them just to shut `em up. From the
minute we pulled up in the driveway, I wished I hadn't come along. There
was a million people there, just about every one of `em drunk. There was
booze everywhere. No more than an hour into the party, there were already
people passed out everywhere. I didn't really feel like I have anything to
lose, so I started drinking with them. Wasn't long `till somebody brought
out the cocaine. Like I say, I didn't feel like I had anything to
loose. ...That's the most tripped out I've ever felt in my life, but at the
time, I liked it. I felt so happy, like I wanted to talk to everybody, so
confident. I didn't think about us. All I knew was I was feeling
good. Honestly, I don't remember much after that until I woke up
later. ...I woke up laying naked next to a girl in an upstairs bedroom."
Tears flowed down his cheeks as he continued. "Like I say, I don't really
remember much else, just that I woke up wondering where I was. That's why I
couldn't look you in the eye. That's why I couldn't bring myself to speak
to you. I knew I'd done to you the same thing I'd tried to be so
high-and-mighty about just a few hours before. ...Alex, if you've ever
believed something I've told you, I need you to believe this. All those
nights, not the one I'm telling you about. You know what happened then, but
all those other nights when I didn't come home for hours, I wasn't doing
anything wrong. I've been coming up here, trying to figure out how I could
tell you what had happened. And then the two worst things that could've
happened really happened. ...I came home one day to Mama saying some girl's
family had called. In the pit of my stomach, I knew. I can't explain it,
but I just knew what she was going to say. Just as soon as a paternity test
was possible, Dad's lawyer ordered one. I couldn't bring myself to tell you
the truth. I kept saying to myself `I'll tell him when things calm down.'
`I need to talk to him, try to straiten all this out,' but that time never
came. I came home one day to an empty house. When Daddy told me you'd left,
I lost it. I'm not trying to get your sympathy or sound like a whiner, but
that night I really gave some consideration to just jumping over the edge
of this cliff."

	I sat for the longest time, not knowing what to say. It was relief
to know what had happened, but unfortunately for us both, the truth didn't
change the facts of what had happened the last almost five months. Matthew
stared at me imploringly, seeming to almost beg me for some response.
"Please say something. Insult me, curse me, tell me you despise me, but
please say something."... "Matthew, what is there to say? I'm not gonna
lie. It is a little bit of a relief to know what happened, but
unfortunately it doesn't really change anything...Matthew, you're gonna be
a father. Your life, and even my life, will never be the same." "But one
thing is the same...I still love you. I've never stopped loving you." It
was my turn to sob. "Oh Matthew, do you honestly think I don't love you?
Did you honestly think I'd ever stop loving you? Don`t you see it, though?
Our lives have changed. We're not the same people we were, even if it has
only been a short while. There's been too much happen. ...Matthew, you're
gonna be a father. A father, Matthew! Even if we wanted to try and work
this out, your life's never gonna be the same. You're not gonna have time
for any relationship, much less trying to work past all this baggage!" I
was crushed by two strong arms grabbing desperately at me. "Alex, please
don't say that. Please, don't leave me again! I need you! You don't
understand. My lawyer's already got this worked out so that I get custody
of the baby. I won't have to deal with that bitch again! We'll be able..."
"Oh, Matthew, don't you see? That's what I'm talking about! You're going to
have a baby! There won't be time for us! We wouldn't have time to work
through this! You're gonna be changing diapers and feeding and all
that. You're gonna be mom and dad both for this kid! Besides that, there`s
something else you should know...I`ve been asked out by someone else." He
stood shaking, tears flowing uncontrollably down his face. "Are you saying
we're over?" The words that whispered from my lips sent waives of shock
through my body so strong that I felt lightheaded. "Yes, Matthew. I'm
afraid we're over."