Date: Wed, 7 Dec 2011 03:07:20 -0500
From: Jesse Jesse <gmmac1987@hotmail.com>
Subject: Matthew, My Love Pt 13

First, I'd like to take the time to say a quick thanks to everyone who's
written with kind comments and responses to the story. Again, I say this
joking, but I've felt a bit like a soap opera writer. I honestly have no
idea myself how this story will truly end, or how long it will take to
finish. I do apologize for delaying between posts. Also, I've had some
comments about the story "moving too quickly. " I do apologize to anyone
who feels this way, but I must say that since I'm not writing a 1,000-page
novel, I had general intentions of this. There've also been some questions
for hints as to what Matthew and Alex's relationship will be in the
future. I don't want to give anything away, but just let me say that if I
can write successfully what's planned in my head, it'll bring about a shock
that I don't think anyone will expect! Thanks again to you all, and hope
you continue to enjoy!

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	Matthew, My Love Pt 13

	Had someone told me a few months before that I'd find myself
driving home from school every afternoon with Drew Scott, him staring at me
out of the corner of his eyes with a dopey look, I would've told them they
were out of their mind. But far-fetched as that may have seemed at the
time, here we were, three weeks into a relationship that was surprisingly
sweet and refreshing. It seemed Drew was determined to try everything
within his mortal power to put our past behind us. The subject of "that
night" had been breached only once, simply to agree that we'd try our best
to move on and give each other a second chance, and had then been buried
dead. Truth be told, Drew was one of those guys that, as ashamed as I was
to feel this way, almost went overboard on showing affection and concern,
at least for those first few days. He was always waiting just outside the
door after every class change at school. He sent so many texts on our first
week that I was sent to detention. I never had to worry about traffic in
the school parking lot. Drew was always parked at the curb, waiting to pick
me up. It seemed that he couldn't get enough of touching me. Not in a
sexual or erotic way, but holding my hands, rubbing my shoulders, or
pulling me closer. For me, however, the sweetest gesture Drew ever made
toward me was a day just before Halloween. "Alex, I've been wanting to talk
to you about something." "Yeah, what is it?" "Well, baby, whether either of
us like to admit it or not, we have a past together that isn't
exactly...something to be proud of. ...Alex, I've been thinking about that
night and how it affected both of our lives. I can't imagine how you felt
that morning, waking up to find me next to you instead of Matt. I can even
begin to get a grip on that, and I don't want to put you through some kind
of bad memory or something, so I...that is...shit, I don't know how to say
what I want to...I want you to know it's okay if you want to wait on us."
That small, short sentence brought tears to my eyes, and made my heart
swell with a love for the young man in front of me I hadn't known was even
forming. I hated to admit it, but most people associated being gay with
some kind of wild, ravenous sex life, going from one guy to another. I'd
already heard those whispers behind my back one day while going through the
halls. "Yeah, he's screwed Matt's life up, and now moved onto somebody else
stupid enough to get involved, the little gay shit-bag!" Also, though I was
ashamed to admit it, I'd wondered when we'd have to cross this bridge, and
knowing our history together, I had very different ideas about what Drew
would expect. "Thank you, Drew. You'll never know how much that mean's to
me. When we're both ready, you'll have me wholly, heart and body."

	For some time I'd worried about what the reaction would be from
Matthew when he found out about myself and Drew. He knew I was seeing
someone else, but did he now know who? Indeed, I spent several nights
tossing and turning, wondering what would happen when he found out. Would
he even care at all? I'd not seen Matthew since that evening we'd last
spoken. Because Drew was still on many of the sports teams, he kept in
touch with the gossip and goings on with a good deal of the popular
students at school. The last he'd heard, Matthew's family was not having
the easiest go of things. The girl expecting his baby had threatened to
have an abortion if not given everything she wanted. According to rumor,
she'd threatened signing the baby over to adoption upon birth, again, if
not given everything she'd wanted. I didn't know that any of these rumors
had any basis of truth whatsoever, but my heart couldn't help but go out to
him. Whether we were together or not, to think of a parent, especially one
so young, losing his child was heartbreaking. My answer to my wondering
came one afternoon while waiting for Drew outside the locker room. I'd
forgotten that Matthew had his own PE class the last period of the day, so
bumping into him as I turned around stunned both of us. "Hello
Alex..."... "Hi Matthew." "How are you?" "Fine, thanks. You?" "I'm okay, I
guess." But he wasn't okay. Anyone looking at him could tell that. He'd
thinned from the last time I'd seen him, and his eyes were tired. "Look,
Matthew, there's something I need to tell you." "Oh really?" There was no
enthusiasm in his voice. "I'm going out with..." "Hey, babe. I didn't
expect to see you...oh...what are you doing here, Letterman?" I found
myself stepping between them. It wasn't that I expected them to duke it out
here in the gymnasium, but I didn't want to take that chance anyway. "Drew,
I was just about to tell him about it." "You mean he doesn't know?" "No, he
doesn't."...Drew shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably for a
moment. "Alex and I are going out now."...My breath hitched. Would he be
furious? Would he be jealous? Would he even care at all? The look that
crossed Matthew's face, however, wasn't one of fury or jealously, or even a
look of contempt. His face gave way to a look that, even after all this
time, made my heart fall...defeat. "Alex, if you're happy, then good for
you." And with that, he brushed past us both into the locker room.

	The ride home that evening was somber and quite. Drew sat eying me
from the corners of his eyes. He'd not said another word about the incident
since that afternoon, but I could tell he wanted answers. "Alex, I need to
ask you something, something I need you to be completely honest with me
about...Do you still love Matthew?" Though the bluntness of Drew's delivery
caught me by surprise, the question in itself did not. How could I answer
that question, answer truthfully without hurting him? "Drew, I'm not gonna
lie to you. I don't think I will ever completely stop loving Matthew. Not
in the same way I may love you. I don't want to sound all philosophical or
anything, but the love that Matthew and I shared is something that can only
be understood when you've experienced it for yourself. Do I love Matthew
the same way I did almost a year ago? No, I don't, but I won't lie and tell
you that I don't still care about what happens to him." This answer seemed
to satisfy his first question. "So, how do you feel about me? Do you love
me?" "Drew, again, I don't want to sound all philosophical or like
Dr. Phil, but love is something that's gained and learned over time. Can
you honestly, without any hesitation or questions, say you love
me?"... "Well, I know I love it when we're together. I know you make me
happy, and I want to spend as much time with you as I can. I know I think
you're cute and funny." "But did you put the word love in there
anywhere?"... "No, I guess not." "There you go." "So, you're saying you
don't love me?" "No, I'm saying that we're in relationship because we do
like each other so much. Love is something that's gained over time. You'll
know in your heart when you truly love me, and I'll know when I have no
doubts that I love you."

	Though Drew said nothing else about our conversation on how we
truly felt about each other, I couldn't help but wonder if I'd hurt him
slightly, or at the very least, disappointed him with my answer. I made my
mind up I was going to do everything I could to show him affection and
attention. Even if I couldn't say without any hesitation that I loved him,
I could show him how much I cared for him, and how happy he made me. It was
only after I began to truly consider my own words to him that I began to
realize just how much I truly did care for Drew. At a time in my life when
I felt as though I had no one, Drew had offered not only friendship, but
had bared his heart to me and offered it freely. The more I truly
recollected on our time together, the more I began to feel guilty about the
way I'd treated him. It wasn't as though I'd been out sleeping around while
he and I were going out, but I began to question whether I'd given as much
effort to our relationship as when I'd been with Matthew. Had I truly
offered him my heart, just like he'd done to me? That first night Matthew
and I'd spent on the creek banks, I'd taken a giant leap of faith and shown
him exactly how I felt. I'd allowed him to have me wholly, heart, mind, and
body. Had I done the same with Drew? We'd both discussed about waiting for
when we felt it was right to have sex, but had I allowed Drew to have my
heart the way I'd given it to Matthew? I knew the answer was no, or else I
wouldn't be questioning myself in the first place. So with this newfound
truth of my own selfishness, I began making a renewed effort to return
Drew's affections. He'd invited me to several of the home football games to
watch him play, and each time I'd turned the invitation down, for fear of
meeting Matthew there. This weekend was going to be different. Our school
hadn't done so well, so there was no worry about playoffs or championship,
but there were a few games still left. So on that frosty November night, my
cup of cheap concession coffee in hand, I found myself seated at the lowest
level bleacher, alone except for the cheerleaders, cheering my lungs out
for the team, one player in particular. "Come on, Drew! Let's go. You guys
can do it! Come on!" "Hey."

	 The gaunt face that met mine as I turned caused me to nearly fall
from my seat. "Matthew?!?" "Yeah. How are you?" His face was pale, his eyes
dark. The voice that spoke was tired and seemed almost strained. I found
myself almost horrified as I stared at him. "I'm fine, Matthew. How are
you? You don't look so well. Have you been sick?" He chuckled
morosely. "Yeah, I've been sick, but not the way you might think. There's
been a lot of shit going on with Whitney." "With who?" "Oh, sorry, the
baby's mother." Another terrible realization struck me as I stared at
him. Why wasn't he playing? Matthew had been star of the team. Why was he
sitting here now? "Matthew, why aren't you..." "Why ain't I playing? Too
screwed up. Coach said my heart wasn't in the game no more, so he relieved
me." I didn't know whether to feel pity or anger. How could the coach be so
cruel? But then another realization dawned on me. Maybe he'd done this as a
favor to Matthew. After everyone realizing that we had become an item,
Matthew had suffered some pretty nasty remarks from his old jock friends. I
could only imagine what they would say to a star player turned lousy,
whether they understood why or not. "So, how've you been? Hope you and Drew
are doing good. I've not seen you in a while." How had I been? The question
needed to be how was he, or why was he so disheveled? "We're okay. What's
been going on with you?"... "Long story." "We've still got time. You wanna
talk?" "Nah, it's okay. Let's just say It's not been the easiest go in the
world, trying to get all this custody shit taken care of." "You mean you're
still trying to get that sorted out? You guys started on that before I
left!" "I know, but Whitney's being a bitch. She keep's changing her story
about what she wants." Seeing my incredulous face, he nodded and
continued. "She never signed the original papers to grant me full custody
when the baby's born, said something happened to them. Keep's threatening
that until she get's what she wants out of the agreement, she's gonna have
an abortion or sign the baby over for adoption. My stomach churned within
me. I wanted to be sick. So the rumors were true. "Matthew, I'm so
sorry. Is there anything I can do?" "No. There's nothing anyone can
do. I've brought every bit of this on myself. If I hadn't fucked up
royally, none of this would've ever happened. I'd still have you, Whitney
wouldn't be part of my life in any way, and I wouldn't feel like a piece of
shit." "Matthew, don't say that. We both fucked up pretty good." He studied
me for a moment before rising to walk back up the bleachers. "Alex, I meant
what I said the other day. Even though I miss you terribly, I'm glad you're
happy."