Date: Fri, 16 Dec 2011 03:04:14 -0500
From: Jesse Jesse <gmmac1987@hotmail.com>
Subject: Matthew, My Love Pt 18

	It is amazing at how quickly a crowd or community's opinion can
change in favor or against an individual or family, and this was never more
evident than with the death of Matthew`s baby girl. Never in my life did I
remember a sight more pitiful than the memorial service for Baby Scarlett
that following afternoon. No more than five attended the small graveside
service for the tiny baby, the Lettermans, myself, and a local military
chaplain. Bitter thoughts rose in my head as I recalled all of Matthew's
supposed "friends" from school, all those of the in-crowd. Where were they
now? Why was it that they couldn't find enough decency in their hearts,
regardless of the whispered "circumstances of the baby's conception," to at
least attend the service in respect of their friend. The baby's mother had
chosen not to attend, and though I couldn't understand how a mother could
be so cold-hearted, I couldn't help but wonder, for the Lettermans' sake,
if it wasn't for the best. The short service ended with the family saying
their own goodbyes to the child. Nothing was written or planned. Everything
that was said came from the hearts of the tiny baby's grieving family. How
my heart went out to Matthew and his parents, but especially him. How could
anyone imagine the heartbreak and pain of losing a child, especially such a
young child? I couldn't help but notice something different about him. It
wasn't so much a physical change as his demeanor. Indeed, though his face
was ever the same as it had been, he struck me as a man of three or four
times his age, someone who'd carried the weight of the world on their
shoulders, and I supposed that in his own burdens and worries, he'd done
just that. His whispered goodbye to the tiny coffin brought tears to even
the eyes of the chaplain overseeing the service. "My sweet baby, I don't
know why I wasn't allowed to live a life with you, don't understand why you
were not allowed to feel my love that I have for you. I couldn't ever
describe this the way I would in my heart, but I loved you before you were
even here. It's hard for me to understand, because I always imagined I'd be
watching over you and looking out for you, but now you're watching over
me. I want you to know that I love you now, and always will. I'll never
forget you Scarlett."

	In the worry and heartbreak of the past two days, I had become
disoriented and confused as to what day it was, finally having to consult
my cell phone. Friday afternoon, which meant not school or work for me over
the weekend. I decided to spend the rest of the evening with the family
before heading home that night. I wasn't sure what I could do or say to
ease any of their pain, but I wanted to try. The family spent most of the
evening together in the living room. In all actuality, there wasn't that
much said about the baby and the past two days. Robert in particular was
trying to do whatever possible to make his family laugh and lighten the
mood, but Matthew was not to be cheered. I found myself wanting to take
hold of him, wanting to just put my arms around him and tell him that, some
day when his heart had had time to heal, he would feel like being happy
again. Finally giving up on attempting to cheer anyone up, Robert, and
Nadine soon after, retired early to bed. Matthew had disappeared into the
yard a while before his parents, leaving me alone in the living room to
myself. It was ironic that, after spending so many happy hours in the house
with the Lettermans, I felt so strange and alone. I waited for hours for
Matthew to return into the house, but his return never came. Hours turned
into the early morning twilight, with still no Matthew, and my exhaustion
finally catching up with me. When I awoke, however, I wasn't on the couch
as I remembered, but warm and comfortable in a bed, a bed with someone else
in it. Matthew. Panic arose in my mind. What had happened? My wondering,
however, was put to ease after I began to fully pay attention to the
situation. Sensing my awakening, Matthew turned toward me, a weak smile on
his face. "You needn't worry. I didn't take advantage of you while you were
out of it." "I knew you didn't. You're too good to do such a
thing."... "I'm not good. There's nothing good about me." "Matthew, please
don't say that. You're a wonderful person." His voice cracked in
response. "Oh yeah? Well, if I'm such a wonderful person, how have I
managed to lose to two people most important to me?" "Matthew, Scarlett's
death is not your fault. There was nothing you could do about
that!"... "No, but I couldn't done, or NOT done something about you."

	Spending a couple of hours on Friday evening eventually turned into
spending the entire weekend, only going home Sunday night when I absolutely
had to get ready for school the next morning. Matthew volunteered to drive
me back to the hospital where my car had been left since Wednesday
night. The ride was silent, both of us stealing glances at the other out of
the corner of our eyes. Finally clearing his voice, Matthew broke the
silence. "Alex I want to thank you for all you've done for me and my
family. I know I certainly haven't deserved how kind you've been to me. I
just want you to know I'll never forget how wonderful you've been to me."
"Well, you were there for me when no other person in the world was. You
showed me kindness when no one else cared. You rescued me Matthew. I figure
the least I can do is try to show some amount of the same kindness."
Matthew remained quite for a few moments, finally breaking the silence with
a question that caught me quite off guard. "Alex, please, tell me what I
have to do to get you back. What is it I have to do?" "Matthew, don't you
think you should be focusing on healing after losing Scarlett? Don't you
think you should be..." "Alex, please! Please, just hear me out. Alex, as
much as my heart break's when I think about Scarlett, I know that the only
reason she came into my life was because of leaving you! If I hadn't left
you, Scarlett would have never been part of my life..." His voice broke
with emotion as he continued. "Alex I've lost the two most important people
in the world to me, the two people who I love even more than my
parents. One of them I can never get back. She's gone from my life, as much
as it kill's me to say it, but you're still here. Alex, please, I can't
stand even the thought of never having you in my life again...Alex...I
still love you as much today as I did a year ago. I know we've had our ups
and downs, and I know I've been a bastard about the whole thing, but I need
to know, need you to hear it from me, that I still love you!" As I climbed
down from his truck to my own car, Matthew caught my hand, bringing it to
his lips. "Alex, please, remember that I do love you."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	A day, two days, a week, a month. Slowly but surely, though many
times we think our lives are over, time has a way of helping heal wounds
and pain. It isn't that we lose the hurt, or that we forget the reasons for
pain, but time has an uncanny way of helping us grow stronger to live with
our heartaches. A month had already gone by since Baby Scarlett's
death. Though there were still times when his heart broke afresh, Matthew
had begun to show signs of healing and trying to move on with his
life. April was quickly winding down and moving into May, and May would
bring graduation. My life for the past month, however, had been nothing but
mental and emotional turmoil. Had I been completely honest with myself that
night when he'd taken me to my car, I would have had to admit that my own
heart still fluttered when Matthew had taken my hand. But though I was
having to admit more each day that I really did still have feeling for him,
I still worried. Could either of us trust the other a second time? Though I
felt guilty for giving Matthew no answer at all, I tried to avoid his
questions. Honestly I wasn't sure I had an answer yet. It wasn't that I
didn't still have feeling for him, not by a long shot. I just couldn't be
sure that either of us were ready to recommit to a relationship anything
close to what we'd had before. Finally, however, came the time when I
couldn't dwell on those things any longer, EOC's. Testing time was here,
the pinnacle of four years' worth of high school education. Three days came
and went in a blur of answers to historical dates and calculus and
scientific equations. But even this didn't last permanently. Indeed, the
evening after all our tests had been completed found me sitting on my
cousin's couch, lost in thought as the kids went wild. I needed some
answers. The more days went by, the more I realized that there was no
denying my heart's desire, and that desire was Matthew. But sure as I was
to what my heart desired, would it be safe to allow it what it wanted?

	Though I've never been one for superstition, since that late April
evening, I've been a strong believer in fate. If things are meant to be,
there'll be signs or some clue. After work was over, my mind still
perplexed and vexed by questions and wonderings, I made my way to the local
Chinese restaurant. Though I'd tried to keep my waistline in check, I could
definitely eat my fair share of Chinese! So as I sat at the booth by myself
that evening, my stomach full of sesame chicken and rice, and though I
didn't recognize it at first, I was given my first sign. Like most, I'd
always been a sucker for the old fortune cookie predictions, but this
particular evening's fortune made me stop for a second look. "If you love
someone, set them free, and if they're yours, they'll come back." I'd heard
this saying all my life, and at the time, cast it aside as a "screwed-up
Chinese fortune cookie with an American saying," but the next fortune
cookie grabbed my attention, and this time held it. "The one you lost to
another will soon be yours again." By now I was starting to feel a little
eerie. Like I said, I'd never been one for superstitious stuff, but two in
a row, so close in their predictions was a little much to take. The third
fortune cookie, quite literally, caused my heart to jump. "The one who
turned his back on you will soon apologize and seek your hand again in a
very public way." Grabbing my check, I bolted from the restaurant, feeling
more than a little jumpy, the waitress smiling curiously at me as I passed.

	Three weeks later I found myself sitting among my graduating
classmates in the football stadium, wondering if Principal Robinson would
ever shut up. I wiggled and twisted uncomfortably, mentally grumbling to
myself. "I've waited four years for this day, and that old windbag has to
drone on and on!" The rest of graduation proceeded just as boringly as we'd
all joked it would, Principal Robinson, several teachers, and the
valedictorian making speeches. What none of us had been told would happen
was, after all the speeches had been made and we were officially stated
"the graduating class of..." another student mounting the podium, a
familiar student. Though we were all glad to be rid of high school, and
many were champing at the bit to party themselves into a stupor, the crowd
subdued fairly quickly at the sight of another student mounting the
platform to say something...

	"What is high school? We all know the technical aspect of it,
learning, preparing for adult life, but what is it really? I'd like to give
a little bit of personal opinion as to what high school should be. High
school has the unique property of, should we allow it to be, being a
melting pot, a place where all different kinds come together to meld into
one. High school can be a place where the jock learns to play a musical
instrument in band class, or where the brainiac nerd can become friends
with the `in-crowd' through shared classes or tutoring. But I suppose, were
I to put my definition of high school into one word, I would have to say
that high school is `change.' Most of us, were we honest with ourselves,
would have to admit that we no longer have the same group of friends as we
did that first day of our freshman year. Some of us have added new friends,
and some have lost a couple along the way. The things and people we once
thought were so important change as we move through high school. That
friend that we once clambered to hang out with, merely because it boosted
out image, may seem completely repulsive and offensive by ending day, while
those we once wouldn't have been caught dead in the same room with are now
some of our dearest friends. Throughout our high school years we learn who
our true friends are, and also those who are only friends when convenient
or beneficial. And every so often, on that rarest of occasions, we find
that one person we know we cannot live without. We learn that this person
not only makes our life happier and better, but makes us want to strive to
be a better human being ourselves. Alexander Duncan, I have realized you
are that person! You've been that one that has made me see what kind of
person I truly want to be. Though many in this very crowd have mocked,
ridiculed, and even threatened because of our relationship, you have proven
yourself to be that person who show's me who I really want to be. You've
shown me a love and kindness that, I'm sorry to say, most in this crowd
have not. When I most needed a friend or loved one's support, you were the
only one who stood by my side, though I knew I didn't deserve your
love. I'm ashamed to say that I know I haven't been that kind of a friend
and companion in return, hurting you more than I care to even consider or
admit. But it is with that confession being made that I stand here before
you and this crowd today. Alexander...Alex, I know I've hurt you,
destroying our trust for each other. We've both fuc...er, excuse me
Principal Robinson, messed up royally, but somehow our lives keep coming
back to each other. As part of my losing you, I lost the one other sing
most important person in my life. Though I can never bring my daughter
back, I can work with all my heart and might to keep from losing you. I can
try my hardest every day to show you how much I truly do love you. Alex, I
love you, and I'm admitting to everyone here that I hurt you, and I'm
asking you here, in front of all in this crowd, to please give me another
chance. Will you give me the happiness of winning your love again?"

	My face was crimson, not from shame or embarrassment, but from the
tears that had blotched my face. Though my mind raced with things I wanted
to reply, I could only manage to answer one thing as I stood so he could
see me. "You never lost it!" To my surprise, someone from somewhere behind
us began to clap. It grew from one or two until most of the crowd clapped
for us. A few tears streamed down my cheeks again, but flow as they did, I
couldn't stop the smile that crept across my face. As the crowd began to
disperse to their respective families and loved ones, I began fighting my
way toward the front. I had to get to Matthew! Searching desperately as I
was pushed and shoved, I lost sight of him. For that breif moment of panic,
my heart screamed "I've lost him!" again, but fear dissipated as I bumped
into something solid in front of me. Looking up, sparkling blue eyes met
me, his face a wide smile. Two strong arms wrapped themselves around me and
pulled me tightly to his chest. "So, I take it that was a yes?" "Most
definitely, but I can't believe you got up and said that in front of
everyone here!" To my great surprise, he smiled a mischievous smile and
answered, "Didn't you get the fortune cookies I made for you?" "You!" His
laugh was priceless. "Me." "How? How in the world did you do that?" "A good
magician never reveals his secrets." His blue eyes searched mine. "Alex,
are you sure you'll have me again?" I could think of no better way to
answer than the gentle kiss that we shared.