Date: Wed, 14 Sep 2005 21:43:29 -0700 (PDT) From: Tom C. <tcstories-nifty@yahoo.com> Subject: Memories Part 1: The End and the Beginning Disclaimer: This is a work of Fiction; all the characters have been created in my own mind. Any resemblance to any real people is just a freaky chance of dumb luck. This is a story that revolves around to young males and the love they have for one another. If you are offended by this type of material then please stop reading. If you are under the age of 18 or if it is illegal to read or view adult material in your area then please stop reading. Do not make copies of this story or "borrow" any of my characters. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I sat there in the cold lightly lit bathroom, fighting back the tears that were trickling down my face. The strong scent of a citrus cleaner was burning my nose and already aggravated eyes. In my hands were two silver matching rings, one belonged to me, the other once belonged to the only person in life who I have ever loved. Memories of the years past flooded my mind as I gazed at the two rings resting in my sweaty, shaking hands. The happy moments were mixed with the bad, but each one was cherished and will always be held on to. A smile started to form as the memories continued to replay themselves in my mind over and over again. I could almost hear his voice again as I could see the words "I love you" formed by his gentle lips. Soon everyone will be gone, and then I will say my goodbye and tell him one last time how much I love him. I didn't want to be here, I just couldn't accept that fact that it was all over. I don't even remember how I got here, but sitting in that bathroom stall made me face facts. I was now alone in the world; the person who I dedicated the last three years to was now gone from my life for good. I no longer felt his love; all that I can feel is emptiness inside me. I feel cold and alone. I honestly don't know if I can continue living without him, I don't know if I even want to. * * * * * * * * The wind was gently blowing in the trees causing them so sway from side to side. The tall meadow grass bent in the breeze casting a wave effect as if I was watching an ocean. Sitting under a tall old oak tree in the middle of the field, I just watched as the world slowly moved by. The birds are chirping while the leaves are rustling. I am at peace. I suddenly realized that I am no longer alone. As if it was second nature, I moved my hand down to my lap were a head was nestled. I slowly started to rub along the side of the face and to run my fingers through the person's hair. Their hand suddenly grabs mine and pulls it away. The head turns to face me and I am taken back at the breathtakingly hansom face. He licked his lips getting ready to speak.. "Ok class, time to pick partners for the next project." Suddenly hearing those words snapped me back to reality. I must have jumped in my seat because I realized that everyone's eyes were on me and a few were giggling. "Is everything alright Mr. Mason," asked my English instructor Mr. Brugler? Still trying to catch my bearings and absorb my surroundings I just mumbled under my breath a simple "Yes." "Good," snapped Brugler. "Maybe next time you will not fall asleep in the middle of my class." Again there was some giggling heard from a few classmates behind me. I just sank down into my seat and listened as the assignment was being explained. The rest of the day went on as it normally would. I went from one class to another, trying to be invisible from the rest of the student body. During lunch I would just eat a small meal that I had packed for myself that morning. After school ended, I quickly made my way out of the school building and walked home alone. I like to keep to myself; I find that I stay out of trouble that way. I do have friends; I just don't have many, and none that I would consider close. I guess I am just a reserved person. I have been ever since my father's death when I was 15, that was two years ago. I lost a lot of my old friends because of this new attitude, and it has become extremely hard to make new ones. The walk home was like it always was. I walked a slow pace as the groups of close-nit friends pushed me aside when they walked around me. How I resented those people, they seemed to not have a care in the world. They had their friends and their top of the line clothes, while I on the other hand only had myself and just cheap clothing that I got from the local Wal-Mart. Once I got home, I went to my room and turned on my computer. I walked across the hall to the bathroom to take a piss while the machine booted up. While washing my hands I caught a glance of my reflection in the mirror. I haven't really looked at myself for some time; to be honest I really haven't wanted to see what I have become over the last couple years. I used to be a person who was full of life, now as I look at myself I see just a sad person who I would even have pity for. My once bright smile has faded to a constant frown, I don't know if I can even remember how to smile like I used to. My eyes are now dark and puffy from the tears that are now a common occurrence. I have a lot of nappy facial hair; I just haven't seen a need to shave. I suddenly caught myself looking into my own eyes. I couldn't face myself and quickly turned away and headed back to my room. As I walked back into my room, I just went straight to my bed and crashed down on the soft mattress. I must have cried myself to sleep; I woke up several hours later with my eyes burning from the fresh tears. I looked at the clock and saw that it was only 5:30 so I just decided to stay in bed for the rest of the night and feel sorry for myself. * * * * * * * * I waited a few more minutes alone in that bathroom stall. I looked at the watch around my wrist and saw that it was 8:05 pm. Everyone should be gone by now, or at least getting ready to leave. I looked at the two silver rings in my hands once more before I tightly closed my fist around them. I slowly moved my fist to my pocket and let the rings fall from my hand, you could hear them cling together when they hit the bottom of my pocket. I got up from my seat and slowly made my way to the pair of sinks on the other side of the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror as I turned the warm water on. I looked into my read puffy eyes as my hands ran under the water testing the temperature. I willingly looked away at my reflection as I moved my head down to splash the warm water against my face. After a few splashes of the warm water I reached over and pulled a few paper towels out of the black plastic dispenser to dry my face off. After a few pats to my face, I pulled the paper towels away from my face. With my eyes still closed I stood facing the large mirror that was over the sinks. With just the sound of running water from the sink the room was otherwise quiet. I slowly opened my eyes to face my reflection once again. As I looked at myself again, I noticed that I was no longer alone. Standing behind me was the person who I came here to see, the one person who I have ever loved. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. There he was, smiling that warm loving smile of his that always made me feel warm inside. I couldn't help but smile back. We both stood there looking at each other through the mirror. I started to cry again; just seeing his face once more pushed me over the edge. I turned to look at him face to face. When I turned around, he was gone. I gazed at the title pattern on the wall in front of me, hoping that he would come back. After a few minutes I gave up and slowly turned back around and looked back into the mirror. I was hoping to see him there again, but sadly I was the only one in the room. I turned off the water and headed to the door. As my hand reached for the door, I stopped for a moment. I closed my eyes and just tried to collect myself before I left the bathroom. Once I regained my composure I looked at the mirror and tried to see him standing there one last time. Fighting back more tears I closed my eyes once again and placed my free hand into the pocket with the two silver rings. I held both rings in my hand and sighed under my breath as I pulled open the heavy door. "I still love you, but I miss you so much Justin. Why did you have leave me?" I slowly turned to face the brightly lit lobby as I made my way to see Justin for the last time. * * * * * * * * I don't know what time I fell asleep, but I ended waking up around 6:15 am. Still upset from the night before, I went through my daily routine like it was any other day. The first thing, and also the hardest, was to actually talk myself into getting out of bed and try to make it through the day. This morning I used the excuse that I have used so many times before; maybe tonight, Brad will be online and we could chat again. I really don't have a clue to who Brad is in real life. He is just some person that I met in an Ares gay chat room. For some reason, Brad just makes me feel safe when talking to him. Ever since my dad's death I have always put on a mask as it was to hide from my family and friends. With Brad however, I didn't use a mask. I could always be myself in our online conversations. In fact, I have told Brad things that no one else knows (and I plan to keep it so no one else does either). I guess you could say that he is my shoulder to lean and cry on. At times it seems like he is the only reason why I keep living. Well once finally out of bed, I walked back across the hall and took a long hot shower. After last night I just wanted to relax for a little bit. I just stood under the hot flowing water as it beaded down against my back, neck, and shoulders. I probably was in there for a good half hour to 45 minutes when I heard my younger sister pounding on the bathroom door. "Hurry up and finish up," my sister Niki yelled. "The bus leaves in 10 minutes!" Niki's pounding on the door shook me out of what ever trance I was in. I wasn't really out of it, but I wasn't really "with" it at the same time. Surprised to hear how little time I had left, I quickly jumped out of the shower and dried off. I put on some deodorant and quickly combed my long, thick black hair so that it wasn't sticking up anymore. Well to be honest my hair really is not that long. I needed a hair cut badly, maybe this weekend I will run up to Great Clips and get it thinned out. I slipped on a pair of boxers and ran back to my room. I grabbed the first shirt and pair of jeans that I could get my hands on. I then quickly got dressed and ran out the door. I wish that I could have made it to the bus stop on time, but as soon as I turned the corner there was the bus pulling away. "Shit! I do not need this, not today." I hated ridding the bus to school in the morning, but I hated walking to school in the morning a whole lot more. Well I didn't really hate ridding the bus; I just didn't like being crammed into a big Twinkie on wheels with so many loud people. I remember I used to be one of those loud people; I would be chatting away with my friends on the bus and talking about plans for what we would do that following weekend or after school. When I did rid the bus I always made my way to the back, and always sat on that one seat by the emergency door that only could really fit one person. The day was starting off great, first I missed the bus and now I will be an hour late for school because I had no other choice but to walk there. Normally I would just walk back and have my mom drop me off, but ever since she got that new job she has been leaving for work at four in the morning. So with no other options I started the long trip back to school. When I finally did arrive at school it was half way through second period, Brugler's class. He hated when students walked into his classroom late. I just knew he was going to love me arriving in the middle of his lesson for the day. I slowly walked through the empty halls; I couldn't help but wish that I had the guts to skip his class. The problem with Brugler is that if you miss one of his classes you have to take a test over what he went over in class that day. Since my grades weren't the greatest, I decided to just be yelled at and be embarrassed in front of the rest of the English class. Since I was the only one in the hallway, you could hear every step I took click and echo in all directions. About half way down the long corridor I came to my destination. It was room 316. I stood in front of the door debating if I really wanted to walk in or not. After all, I have let my grades in that class slip so low that there was not a chance in hell of me passing the class, so what would be so bad about taking a test just to avoid the embarrassment I was about to endure. I took a deep breath and opened the door. * * * * * * * * I really didn't want to go through with this. I was not ready for this to happen. I had finally found happiness, and now I was on my way to say goodbye to the one person that was the source of that happiness. I looked around the lobby to make sure that most of the people had left, more or less to make sure that Justin and I would not be interrupted when I finally got to him. The building was quiet, the only sound that I could hear was the sound of a fire crackling away in a stone fireplace located in the middle of the lobby. It was not really the quiet of the room that was getting to me, it was the smell. I remember that smell all to well. How I hate this smell. It is the smell of flowers. Not one particular scent of a flower, but a mixture of scents from several different flower arrangements that are placed all around the lobby and the buildings two main halls. The last time I experienced this smell was at the funeral of my father. I walked across the large lobby to the room on the far side of the building. I really couldn't look at the room as I approached it because I knew that Justin was in there. I kept my attention to the paintings along the walls; they looked old and expensive, but were most likely just cheap art. The carpet almost looked better than the art; at least it had more to catch the eye with. It was old and worn in at several spots, probably the high traffic areas. That smell was getting stronger as I approached the doors to the room that Justin was in. I couldn't find the strength to raise my arm to the handles of the large, what I assumed was oak, double doors. I tried to prepare myself for when I saw Justin again, but all I really wanted to do was turn around and leave. I then remembered the two rings in my pocket. I grabbed them both and withdrew them from the pocket that they were housed in. I looked at the two of them in the palm of my hand again. I could feel tears start to build up again; instead of letting them flow freely I quickly pushed them back. The last thing I wanted to do was to see Justin with tears running down my face. I closed my hand around the two rings, I suppose I was trying to draw strength from them since they were the symbol of the love Justin and I had for each other. With my free hand I reached for the door handle. My hand took a firm grip on the cold metal door knob, the harder I griped the door knob, the harder I held on to the rings. I took a deep breath and started to turn and open the door. To my horror the doors were locked. Just when I finally get the strength to see Justin again, fate finds a way at playing with my battered emotions even more. I banged my head against the door letting my tears go; only these were tears of frustration more than sadness. After a moment trying to collect myself again, I noticed a hallway off to the side that ran along the room that Justin was in. I haven't come this far to turn back now so I started to walk towards the hallway. As I rounded the corner, I saw an open door that was a side entrance to the room that was my destination. I again held on to the two rings, I was holding them so hard that it was starting to hurt. I didn't care about the pain in my hand. All I cared about was seeing Justin again. I didn't even realize it but I was now standing in the doorway, I tried to remember walking to this point but my emotions were such a mess it didn't even matter. I hadn't entered the room yet, I just didn't know if I could handle this again. I held the rings up to my chest and took a deep breath as I stepped into the room. I looked around the room to find Justin; the room was empty like I hoped it would be. The only other person in the room besides me was Justin. This was it. There Justin was, right in front of me across the room. I started to shake and my legs felt like rubber. I just had to break the eerie silence in the room, I had to do something. "Hi Justin," was I could think to say. * * * * * * * * Just like I figured, Brugler was right in the middle of one of his long winded lectures about the new project he assigned yesterday. I tried to sneak into the class room without making a sound, but the way this day was going that just was not about to happen. After I turned around from gently closing the class room door, I happened to walk right into the large navy blue tin trash can. "What the hell are you doing Mr. Mason? It is bad enough that you come to my class late, but do you really need to trash my classroom as well?" "Sorry Mr. Brugler, I just didn't see the trash can there." "Well after you pick up your mess, take a seat next to your project partner and try not to disturb the class again in the process." Completely embarrassed, I knelt down on the floor and started picking up the papers and empty water bottles on the floor and placed them back in the trash can. I must have not been paying attention to what I was doing because all of a sudden there was a thunderous bang from the trash can. I must have slammed one of the not so empty bottles of water when I tossed it back in. "Mr. Mason! What did I just tell you about disturbing my class? Since you can't seem to keep quiet for five minutes, maybe you can learn how to after school in detention." This just was not my day. I never did make it to my seat. Just when I was picking up the last few pieces of paper the bell rang signaling the end of the period. I quickly pulled myself off of the floor and made my way back out to the hallway. Unlike before, the halls were now filled with other students trying to make it to their next class and trying to hang out with their friends at the same time. I as always, had no one to talk to between my classes. To be honest as much as I wanted to have friends again, I liked being alone. I guess I just liked knowing that I wouldn't get hurt again like I was with my old friends. I didn't have many back when I was happy, but I always considered us a tight group. Sadly that group separated a long time ago. I blame myself for the falling out between my friends and me. I wouldn't go as far to say that I was the glue that kept us together, but as it turned out I was a big part of it. My friends were always there for me after my father's death, I knew that if I needed a shoulder to cry on that I could depend on any one of them to be there for me. I just didn't want to burden them with my problems or to have them worry about me. To make sure that didn't happen I pushed them all away. I went from class to class like I did everyday. Besides the events that happened in Brugler's class, the day was like any other. I will admit that I was a little bit grateful for having to stay after school, at least now I will not have to worry about dealing with everyone on my way home. After my last class had ended, I made my way back to Brugler's class room. I often felt that he had something against me, but honestly I could care less. I just wanted to make it through high school and just live the rest of my life alone. When I walked into the class room I was surprised to find it empty. I waited for a few minutes to see if Brugler would show up, but after 10 minutes past I decided to just leave a note saying what time I arrived and what time I left since he wasn't there. After placing the note on the center of his desk, I made my way out the door and headed home. Just as I happened to head for the double doors that lead to the outside of the building, I felt a hand on my shoulder with a firm grip. "Sorry I kept you waiting Mr. Mason. I got caught up in the copy room. Why don't we head back to my classroom and get started on that detention, after you Mr. Mason." I turned around and surely enough there was Brugler with a smile on his face. I think this was the first time that I have ever seen him smile. I felt scared of him just then, I just felt uneasy heading back to his classroom with him right behind me. On the walk back neither of us said a word to each other. All you could hear were our feet clicking against the tile floor. When we reached the door, Brugler reached around me and blocked me from opening the door. "Now Mr. Mason, I know that your grades are slipping more and more these days. Right now you are border line when it comes to passing or failing my class this semester. I am sure you do not want to take it again in summer school or take it again next year." By now I was terrified as to what Brugler was talking about, I knew my grades were bad, but with him smiling the way he was and just the way he was acting towards me right now. what did he have in mind? "I have a special project for you Mr. Mason. If you pass this assignment, you will pass my class. This project is not mandatory, you can turn it down. Just keep in mind that this is your only chance of passing my class." "Look Mr. Brugler, I really need to be going. I have a family matter that I need to attend to. I really need to get home." Brugler just stared at me and then just started laughing at me; all I could do was stare at him. I started to walk away when Brugler grabbed me by my arm. "Mr. Mason, I think we have a misunderstanding here. The special project is to help a new student complete the projects that I have assigned during the class. Since you have not turned them in yourself, I will give you each credit for each assignment you complete as a team. Have we got a deal?" Hearing those words was such a relief. So many thoughts were racing back in forth inside my head of what the "special project" could have been. Even with the sigh of relief I felt, I really was not sure if I wanted to take the assignment. Sure it would mean that I would pass the class, but I am going to end up failing most of my classes this year anyway; failing one more class wasn't going to hurt matters any. Mr. Brugler must have picked up on my track of thought because the next words that he said to me really caught me off guard. "Look Mr. Mason, I know that you have been having a hard time as of late. I have been talking with your other teachers and we are all worried about you. We all know that you can be a fantastic student if you were given the chance, but for some reason we just can't understand why you are throwing your life away. I know I have been hard on you this year, but that is only because it frustrates me to see you moping around all day, every day. I know you have it in you son; you can turn your life around. I don't know what has happened in your life to make you feel like it is not worth living, but all of your teachers and me are willing to help you. It is up to you to decide what path you wish to take. Please know that I am here to help you, I am sure that you feel alone. but you do still have people that care about you. It is your decision Mr. Mason." I couldn't help but cry a little hearing him speak those words to me. Was he telling me the truth? Were there people that actually cared about me? I really didn't know what to do; I wanted to take him up on his offer, but at the same time I just wanted to be left alone. I finally gave in. I just looked up at Mr. Brugler through blurry eyes and nodded my head. Next thing I know, Brugler is leading me into his classroom. Sitting next to Brugler's desk is who I assumed would be the new student that I would be helping out with the project. The kid just looked at me as Mr. Brugler walked us both up to his desk. "Mr. Mason, I would like to introduce you to your new partner." "Hi! I'm Justin." "Hi Justin," was I could think to say. * * * * * * * * I slowly walked my way towards Justin; it is like I had no control over my body anymore. I just wanted to be near him, I wanted to feel his touch, I wanted to hear his voice say I love you, to look into his eyes again, and to feel the love with a passionate kiss. I was not prepared for what I saw before me. As I got closer and closer to Justin, I could see that his once strong and beautiful body was not there anymore. In its place was a figure that can only be created by cancer. His muscles were gone and were almost just skin and bones. I forgot how his body faded away over the last few months; I was by his side every day, holding onto his fragile hands. I couldn't accept what was happening to him, I didn't want to believe it. I finally reached the side of Justin's coffin; I didn't want to see him this way. I didn't want to say goodbye, not yet. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to picture him as he once was. * * * * * * * * From what I could tell this new kid Justin was going to be a problem. There he was, with a wide smile across his face looking like he didn't have a care in the world. I like to consider myself an easy going person, but one look at this guy and I just knew that we were going to have a long road ahead of us. "Hi, you must be Jordan. Mr. Brugler said that you would be helping me catch up on the class projects. I'm Justin, and well thanks helping me out." "Um. sure no problem," I stuttered. "Wish that I could stay longer so we could get started, but I really do have a family thing I need to get to." Before Brugler could say anything I started back to the classroom door. Just as I was on my way out the door Brugler walked up behind me with Justin standing right behind him. "Well then I will see the both of you after school tomorrow to start getting some work done," said Brugler. "I have taken the liberty to go ahead and gave Justin your phone number Jordan. Hopefully you two can call each other and learn a little about each other so at least some real work can be accomplished tomorrow." I didn't stay to give Brugler the response that I wanted to. It would have been along the lines of "You what? How could you give away my private phone number, what gives you the right?" I know it really is not that much of a response, but Brugler still scares the shit out of me. While I was cursing myself for not standing up for myself and saying what I really wanted to I didn't even notice Justin running up behind me calling my name. "Jordan! Jordan, wait up man!" Feeling some one grab my shoulder I turned around quickly ready to defend myself (something I learned to do from all the bullying from the school's more elite social groups). Once I saw the look of surprise in Justin's eyes I quickly calmed down. "Hey man I'm sorry; I didn't mean anything by it. I was just trying to get your attention and you weren't responding when I was calling out your name." "No worries man, it was my fault. I was just lost in my own mind. I am just not used to some one grabbing me from behind that doesn't intend to shove me into a locker or dunk me in a toilet." "Damn man I had no idea. If I knew that I wouldn't have came up behind you like that. Well anyways, I just wanted to check and make sure it would be alright if I gave you a call tonight? Might as well get all of the intros over with tonight and get to the nitty-gritty tomorrow. From what Brugler told me there is a lot we have to make up." "Um, sure I guess. Just call some time after seven. I think that would be a good time. I suppose I will talk to you later on tonight then." "After seven, I think I can handle that. It's a date then." I wanted to say something about his last comment, but Justin had already started walking off in the other direction. I just wanted this day to end. * * * * * * * * I couldn't wait any longer; I had to see Justin this last time. I slowly opened my eyes to see my lover sleeping before me in his only suit, he hated that thing. All he did when wearing it was complain how it was too tight around his neck. Even with all his complaining, one thing was for sure. Justin looked breathtaking in that navy blue suite. Knowing how uncomfortable it made him feel, I couldn't help but undo the top button to loosen the collar a little bit. Looking down and seeing how peaceful Justin was, but at the same time I knew that it was not "my" Justin. The glow that he once had was missing. I remember on countless mornings waking up to his loud snoring and just watching him for hours while he slept. After so long his snoring became calming to me, it got to the point that on the nights that we were not together that I couldn't sleep. It was just too quiet without him. There were just too many memories, too many happy moments in our lives together. I couldn't keep it together any longer. I just broke down in uncontrollable sobbing. I tried to recollect myself, but seeing Justin before me. I just couldn't take it anymore. "Justin.., God I miss you so much." I couldn't get the words out. As much as I tried, I just couldn't stop crying long enough. After several tries I gave up saying the words that I wanted to say. I would never be able to tell him how much he meant to me, that he was the light in the darkness that once shrouded my life. How his love showed me that life was worth living, that there were things that all the pain and suffering were worth going through. It was then that I remembered that two matching sliver rings in my hand. They were the reason why I was here. I opened my palm and looked at them resting in my hand. I didn't realize how hard I have been gripping them; the sight of the two round imprints in my now bright red hand surprised me a little. I took one ring and slowly placed it upon my finger. "Justin, I am so sorry that we could not have done this sooner. I wanted it to be a surprise." After placing the ring on my finger, I picked up the other ring and started to place it on Justin's. "I love you so much Justin. I know in our hearts we both knew that we would have been together always, but these rings will let the rest of the world know. They will be a symbol of the never ending love we had for each other. I promise to always love and cherish you." With the rings now placed upon both our fingers, I leaned in and gave Justin one last kiss goodbye and turned around and headed back to the door. I looked back one last time at the only person that I have ever loved.. "Goodbye, Justin. I will never forget you, and I will always love you." * * * * * * * * The End.. And The Beginning Tom C. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Writer's Notes: This is my first real attempt at writing; any feed back will be gratefully appreciated. I am not sure if there will be anymore parts to this story. I hope there will be, but that all depends on you. If there is not a "demand" for the story to continue, then I will not invest my time into it. A special thanks goes out to Ethan, thanks for looking things over and cleaning up some of the mess. To contact me, please email me at tcstories-nifty@yahoo.com .