Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 00:10:09 -0400
From: Sequoyah <sequoyah@charter.net>
Subject: Moon Watching 15

MOON WATCHING

Chapter Fifteen

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Chapter Fifteen

When we reached the top of the stairs, Derrick took me in to his arms,
gazed into my eyes and said, "Tom, I love you sooo much. It really does
hurt sometimes I love you so much. I dream about you when I am asleep and
think about you when I am awake. Never in a million years did I think I
would love anyone as much as I love you and I still have a hard time
convincing myself that you love me."

I smiled at my dark beauty and said, "It's just as much a surprise to me. I
loved Keith--well, I still do, you know what I mean--and thought I could
never love anyone as much, but I was wrong, I was so wrong. I love you a
thousand million times more than I loved Keith. I want you with me every
minute and I want to tell you I love you with every breath." I drew
Derrick's mouth to mine and buried my tongue in his mouth. I slid my hands
down his back and grasped his bubble butt in my hands, pulling us closer
together.

I could feel Derrick's hardness against my own as we continued our
kiss. Finally, hardly breaking our kiss, I lifted Derrick in my arms and
carried him to our bed. I lay him on the bed and covered his body with
mine. Derrick's arms encircled my body, his hands grasping my cheeks and
pulling me tight against his groin. I began moving my hips in small
circles, rubbing our hard cocks between us.

Derrick started massaging my ass cheeks and sliding a finger along my
crack. My knees on each side of Derrick, I pulled them forward, pushing my
ass in the air, exposing my rosebud. Each time Derrick's finger passed over
it I felt an electric charge go through my body. As he continued, I pushed
back against his finger. He stopped, kissed me and reached for the lube in
his box.

 All during the week we had made love and that included preparing each
other for the next step in our love making. Derrick was so gentle and so
concerned and that made me relax, trusting him. Now when the time had come
for us to take that step, I continued thinking good thoughts as Derrick
proved he had taken seriously our friend's comment that too much lube was
about enough. His fingers were working a new magic. He finally whispered,
"Are you ready, Sugar Bear?"

 "Yes," I whispered in response as I rolled over on my back. I wanted to
see my dark beauty as he entered me and he insisted on being able to see my
face, "So I can see I am not hurting you."

When Derrick had reached for the lube, I got a condom. I put lube in the
tip then rolled it on Derrick's hardness, then lubed it well.

Derrick was kneeling between my legs. He lifted my legs, placing them
against his shoulders. He then started entering me slowly, carefully,
stopping any time he though he might be hurting me.

As he filled me, I felt as if an empty spot inside was being filled as it
should be. When he was finally completely inside, he rested, making sure I
wasn't hurting.  Finally he started moving inside me. Then it
happened. Derrick hit that magic spot inside Trey and Joe had told us
about. I couldn't believe the electric charge rushing through my body,
giving me incredible pleasure.

 Derrick continued moving in me slowly, but gradually pushing deeper inside
and pulling out more. The pleasure he gave me made it impossible for me to
last long and the same was true, I was sure for my lover. Sure enough, he
pushed deep inside and stopped as I felt his cock start pulsing as his body
grew stiff and he shouted. That was enough to send me over the edge and I
spasmed as I, too, reached a climax which, literally, made me see stars.

When we both had finished pulsing, Derrick lay on my body and took my
tongue into his mouth. Finally, breaking our kiss, he said, "Sugar Bear, I
would never have believed anything could be so wonderful."

"Neither could I, Honey Bear."

We rested, Derrick's body atop mine, his cock still inside, exchanging
butterfly kisses. Finally his soft cock slipped out of me and with a final
kiss, he rolled off my body, kissed me soundly and crawled off the bed. He
reached down and lifted me in his arms and carried me to the bathroom. He
doffed the condom and said, "Let's shower."

We had a great time in the shower, but it was in the nature of lovers
playing rather than lovers having sex.

I sure thought I was as gentle and considerate of Derrick as he had been of
me when I played with his rosebud. Nonetheless, I sensed he was not at all
relaxed and I wondered if he did not trust me. I should have been free and
open with Derrick and asked what I was doing wrong or why he was so
uptight, but I didn't. Instead of being open and honest with my lover, I
tried to find ways to make him relax, but found none. I also thought
Derrick should have told me what was wrong. That was our agreement, but
that didn't happen either.

I suppose you might think we spent all our time having sex, but we
didn't. In fact, it was three days after the first time before Derrick once
again--I hate the term "fucked me" since it sounds so impersonal, like
Derrick did something to me I might not have wanted--before Derrick entered
me the second time. It was fantastic--of course--and I sure wanted him to
have the pleasure from my entering him as he had given me. Without giving
any reason, the time was never right. I felt Derrick was making excuses and
not telling me why he didn't want to experience having his lover enter
him. I mean, if he found out he didn't like being a bottom, then OK, I'd
sure respect that, but how did he know without trying it?

 That night, after we had fantastic sex and Derrick had really made his
being inside me wonderful, I started playing with his rosebud. He had used
a couple of the sex toys getting me ready and when I tried he said, "Tom,
none of that."

 The same thing happened the next afternoon when, after swimming, we had
gone to the house and I discovered Derrick had stashed a condom and the
lube on the front porch. He tossed a lounge cushion and the floor and we
had a wonderful time and he, once again, entered me.

When he withdrew, I said, "Stay right where you are," and dashed inside and
came back in record time with a condom. I picked up the lube and started to
use it to begin getting Derrick ready for me.

As I did he said, "Tom, I'm not into that."

 I didn't want to resent what Derrick was doing, but emotions are not
something you can control. After we had cleaned up, I got dressed and told
Derrick I needed some space and left him standing in our bedroom, his mouth
open.

 I started walking and before I knew it, found myself walking up the hill
to the moon watching rock. I had never told Derrick about the night Keith
and I had spend there and never planned to. It was not that I was afraid of
his reaction; after all, it had happened before I met Derrick. I guess I
did think about how Keith would react to Derrick knowing. But the real
reason,and I was sure of that, was it was just too personal and too
private. No, that didn't cover it. It was too sacred. It was a important
part of my life before Derrick entered it and it was not something that
really could be shared.

 Anyway, as I walked, I turned over and over in my mind my feelings toward
Derrick. I loved him so much it hurt, it really did at times. Certainly I
had no complaints so far as our sex life was concerned. No, that wasn't
exactly true. It's not that I thought my entering Derrick would make or
break our relationship. It wasn't, I thought, really important so far as
our sex life was concerned. What really had me upset--and I was upset, I'll
admit that--was that Derrick made sure I didn't do with him what he had
done with me. Not only that, but he simply ignored what I might have wanted
to do. I was getting my thoughts in a tangle, but when I got right down to
it, I felt Derrick had used me and continued to use me. What had been
glorious and wonderful now looked tawdry--that great word again! Derrick
was fucking me! That's how I felt.

I had long since climbed the hill and was sitting on the moon watching
rock, thinking about my feelings concerning Derrick. Before I knew it, I
had worked up a good mad. As I have said, I had a temper to match my red
hair and it was boiling over. "I ought just to go down there and tell
Derrick, 'Get your ass in the air, Lover, because I'm coming in!' That's
what I ought to do and I'm ready to do it!" I gathered myself together and
headed down the mountain in long strides. I was really boiling.

Fortunately, by the time I was halfway down the mountain, I was cooling
off. Before I reached the house, I had pretty much come to my senses. I
wasn't ready to pretend nothing was amiss in our relationship, but I was
also unwilling to blast in without trying to find out what was wrong.

 "Derrick, Derrick, where are you?" I called as I walked in the front
door. There was no answer and Derrick was nowhere in the house.

 He couldn't have gone too far since he would have had to walk and he was
city boy enough not to venture too far. In fact, he'd barely move outside
the house unless I was with him. "There's probably bears and tigers in
these woods," he said on his first visit.

 "No tigers," I had assured him, but said nothing of bears. Sure enough,
the next day we saw a bear and her cubs walking across the front yard.

 Anyway, I was sure he hadn't gone far, and in fact, was pretty sure he had
gone to the river. That was the one place outside he'd go far enough not to
see the cabin. I think he might have fought a mama bear had she decided to
keep him from the river.

I walked out of the cabin and headed to the river. By now I was cooled down
and realized all I really wanted from Derrick was an an explanation, a
reason for his behavior. Knowing my lover as I did, I suspected he had
reason, a reasonable explanation for how he was behaving. And if not? Well,
he'd have me to deal with, but a calm and collected me.

I didn't call out as I approached the river and when I rounded a bend in
the trail, saw Derrick sitting in the middle of the large, flat rock which
extended out over the river, a rock that was used as a diving platform and
a place for lying in the sun or, in my case, lying in the dappled shade of
the large trees overhanging one side of it.

Derrick was sitting with his head down, his forehead resting on his
knees. He looked up when I finally called his name and I saw his face was
tear streaked and tears where still falling down his cheeks.

As I sat down beside Derrick, he turned to me, and what had been silent
weeping became crying in earnest, tears flooding his face. I was at a loss
as to what I should do, so I just sat beside him, silent. Derrick put his
arms around my neck, rested his head on my shoulder, his body shaken by
great sobs.

I put my arms around Derrick and held him close until he got control of
himself or cried himself out. When Derrick finally stopped crying, he
looked up and pulled my lips to his in a crushing kiss. His kiss became
more and more passionate. He sucked my tongue into his mouth and he brought
his own into play. He continued his passionate kiss as he started breathing
through my mouth.

 Finally he broke the kiss and looked into my eyes and said, "Tom, I know I
have hurt you and you deserve to know why I have been acting like a jerk."
Derrick paused, I guess maybe to give me time to object, but I didn't. What
he said was what I had been thinking. "Babe, I am in heaven when I am
inside you. It's not just the sex, 'though, Man, that is unbelievable! I
feel like we are united, not just physically, but, I guess, in spirit as
well. I feel like we are one. Is it that way for you?"

I didn't bother pointing out that I was in a different role or a different
position--definitely a different position. "Derrick, for me it's more like
giving myself to you, totally and completely. I am completely yours, I mean
I am always, but not physically. Understand?"

Derrick hung his head again, then looked up with fresh tears in his eyes
and said, "Oh, yes, I think I do understand. Yes, I think I do." Derrick
was silent again, staring across the river. Finally he looked at me and
said, "Tom, I need to try to explain something which is very hard for me to
do. I was terrified when you walked out. I am still frightened, terrified
that I may lose you. I love you more than I can ever tell you. You are my
whole world. When I am honest with myself, I know that life would simply
not be worth living without you in it. Aside from my Grams, you are the
only person in the world who really cares whether I live or die. If you can
begin to understand that, then you can see why I am terrified at the
possibility that I might lose you."

I started to speak, but Derrick placed his fingers against my
mouth. "Shhhh, Tom, I need to get through this and I'm not sure I can
unless I can get it all out." I nodded and Derrick removed his fingers and
kissed me softly, gently.

"Tom, you can never know what it's like being black. Maybe you get a small
taste when you run against prejudice because you are gay, but unless you
tell someone or do something like kiss me in front of people, no one would
know. People have gone for years without anyone knowing they were gay. But
there is no way I cannot be black. I can dress anyway I want to, I can make
my hair blond, I can kinda bleach my skin--Michael Jackson like--do
whatever I want to do, but I will still be black."

"That cannot be changed or hidden, so I am always subject to white man's
prejudice--subtle or blatant, bad spirited or just ignorant. No black man
grows up without being told about white prejudice, white oppression, white
domination. You see where this is headed? See my problem?"

I wasn't sure--well, I thought I had a pretty good idea and started to
speak, but Derrick,once again, pressed a finger to my lips.

"It's just as you said, that for you, it's more like giving yourself to me,
totally and completely. That you are completely mine. You said, 'I am
completely yours, I mean I am always, but not physically.' And, Tom, I feel
that, I know that. You submit yourself to me--completely, totally. You are
under my control. I dominate you. I know those are not all words you would
use. I mean, you submit yourself to me, no reservations. You do that out of
love and in trust of me. I KNOW that. I seriously doubt that you would
accept the word dominate. That's a word about how masters relate to
slaves. They DOMINATE the slave. Tom, I KNOW you would never accept that as
my intention or what you are doing. But you've not lived your whole life
being warned against allowing a white man to get the upper hand, to
dominate you. I have."

"Sugar Bear, I never thought of my dominating you, but as accepting what
you were freely offering, your body and your love, but then...well, when I
thought about giving myself to you, giving my body to you as you have given
yours, I couldn't. The voices in my head shouted the old warnings about
what a white man wants of a black man. Can you understand? Can you forgive
me?"

I gazed deep into Derrick's eyes, kissed him gently, and said, "Derrick, I
don't know how to forgive you from what was beyond your control, but what I
find hard to accept and, yes, forgive, is your lack of trust in me. Not, I
mean, about your not trusting me with your body--you know--but not trusting
me enough to tell me what was wrong."

 "I guess you've never seen it, but I do have a nasty temper and had things
been a bit different, I am afraid I might have said things, hurtful things,
things which would have driven a wedge between us, a wedge which would be
hard to remove. You--and I--are going to have to work hard at creating a
trust between us so deep and so solid, nothing will shake it. That's a lot
more important than any particular way of showing our love through sex."

 Derrick and I talked a long, long time about trust. I think both of us
realized how close we had come to hurting each other and, as Derrick said,
of how he had hurt me. We then talked about the problem with our sex
life. The longer we talked, the more I realized how serious Derrick's fear
of domination was. At the same time, Derrick was coming to realize that a
big part of that problem was physical. The truth of the matter was the way
he had been taking the offering of my body meant he was in control.

 "Derrick, this could have been a problem for Joe and Trey. Why don't we
talk to them?" I suggested.

"You mean now?"

 "Well, as soon as we get to the cabin and the phone."

We were lucky and caught both Trey and Joe at home. Derrick decided he'd
explain what was going on and as soon as he got half thorough, Trey had
said, "Honey, you got a problem Trey never had. Dominated? Oppressed? I'll
take what my man has to offer me any time, any place, any way. I have never
got enough of my white boy."

Joe was a bit more practical. He said to Derrick, "You got a problem with
being out of control, then sit on it!"



"Sit on it?" Derrick had asked in a puzzled voice.

"Yes, sit on it. Surely if you have seen twenty minutes of a gay porn flick
you know what I mean. I mean sit on Tom's cock and you'll be in control."

We talked with the two for maybe twenty minutes longer than Trey said,
"Baby, I don't know about those young dudes, but us older and more mature
men think too much talk and too little action is the problem with half the
couples we know. Talk to you two later."

 "Guys, I think Trey is trying to tell me something. Take care."

 A few minutes after I had closed the phone, Derrick appeared from
upstairs, his box from Joe and Trey in his hand. I took my own, slow easy
time preparing Derrick for my entry. Finally he said, "Now, Tom, now!"

I lay on my back and Derrick straddled my body and slowly lowered himself,
in complete control of the situation, until my manhood was completely
inside him. He was holding most of his weight from me with his arms which
were slightly behind his body, his hands on the floor.

Half an hour later, Derrick lay across my body, panting. When he had
recovered his breath he said, "WOW! Damn! I was one damn fool for missing
out on having you inside me; that's for damn sure. WOW!

We lay, wrapped in each other's arms for a long while, exchanging
kisses. Our kisses started out soft and gentle, but became more and more
passionate. The build up was fantastic. Finally, I said, "Derrick, love
me." I guess it didn't take a rocket scientist to know what I meant and
Derrick is no dumb bunny.

Derrick again lowered himself onto my hot, stiff rod, but soon he, without
withdrawing, rolled over and I found myself between his legs, facing
him. Derrick smiled that heart breaking smile of his and said, "I'm yours,
Sugar Bear."

In the weeks and months ahead, our love making got better and better, just
as Trey and Joe said it would. And, as I guess anyone could have predicted,
there was never another problem between us with it.

That didn't mean we never had other problems, we did. Few of them were
serious and those which were were not allowed to grow and become more
serious for lack of good communication. We had learned that important
lesson well.

When we saw Trey and Joe a few weeks later, we talked at length about our
misunderstanding. Both our mentors warned us that racism would rear it's
ugly head from time to time. They said we both needed to know that, but
Derrick needed to be sure he didn't have his "race radar" scanning my every
word. "If you remember the man is in love with you, you'll know anything
you might consider racism, Derrick, is a result of ignorance," Trey said.

"And, Tom, you need to know racial slurs you do not intend may well slip
out of your mouth because you have grown up in the white world, the
southern white world," Joe said. "Both of you remember that communication
is crucial, critical."

After we had gotten our problem out of the way, the rest of the week was
idyllic. We swam, we read, we ate, we took walks and we made love. When we
finished our last breakfast with just the two of us, Derrick said, "I guess
we need to make sure everything is in order before your parents arrive."

"I think it might be well to get dressed as well," I added.

We spent about an hour getting things in shape. Fortunately, unlike our
rooms at home, we had kept everything pretty much in order so there was not
a lot to do. We did make sure we had rounded up the things which belonged
in our boxes and put them away in our room.

We had just finished when Keith arrived. We didn't have to be told his life
was going well. He was practically glowing. While Derrick and I got lunch
ready, he told us about his trip to Mississippi. Janice was still working,
so he spent a lot of time with Josh. "He's a really great guy," Keith said,
"and I think maybe bats for your team. We did a lot of swimming, hiked some
pretty wild places--swamps, really--and talked a lot. I really enjoyed the
time I spent with him."

"And not with Janice?" Derrick asked with an evil glint in his eye.

"Enjoyed the time I spent with her? No, I wouldn't say that. Enjoyed is too
mild. I had a fantastic, unbelievable, beautiful time with her. I could
never have imagined what time with her could be like. I think all three of
us will enjoy having them in Atlanta," Keith said and it would turn out he
was right!

When Mom and Dad arrived, they had a handful of postcards from Queen and a
couple from Trey and Joe when they had been with her in Fiji. Mom and Dad
said they were interested in doing an around the world tour when the
retired in a year or two.

The five of us really enjoyed our final week and it was over too
soon. Reluctantly, we got everything packed and left North Carolina late
Sunday since Mom and Dad had pre-planning days the following week and
Keith, Derrick and I had things to do to get ready for school which started
Tuesday week, the day after Labor Day. In spite of a wonderful summer, I
was kinda anxious to get back in school.