Date: Fri, 19 Nov 2004 21:47:35 -0500
From: Sequoyah <sequoyah@charter.net>
Subject: Mountain Magic Chapter 32

Mountain Magic

Chapter Thirty-one

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Comments

Sorry for the long delay between chapters, but the Muses work at their own
pace and not aways when my pace would allow writing. No promises for speedy
chapters in the future as only time will tell.

Thanks

As always, readers and I both owe a debt of gratitude to SAH, DA and GC,
editors.  Your thoughts and comments are welcome.

To sequoyah@charter.net

Sequoyah
Chapter Thirty-two

Mountain Magic

Chapter Thirty-two

A week or so after Jonathan had been in to see Dr. Alexander, she called
Hank and asked him, Wesley, Jason and me to come in. When we got to her
office she was waiting for us.

As soon as we were seated she said, "Fellows, I asked you four to come in
because I need help. Wesley, I suppose you know your three brothers pulled
Jonathan back from self-destruction once before, and I think you need to
join them in doing it again."

Wesley nodded and said, "Anything I can do, I will."

"I was sure you would," the doctor said and continued, "I am very worried
about him. He is suffering deep depression. I am not big on drugs, but I
gave him a mild antidepressant when Mr. Dennison brought him in, and it was
not enough. Frankly, I'm not sure we have time to try something else which
might be as effective, but more long range. I am afraid he might harm
himself. His therapist asked that I give him a stronger antidepressant and
I have, but it will be a week or so before it makes any real
difference. You guys need to keep an eye on him and if you see any change
for the worse, let me know and I'll hospitalize him."

"There's another reason I asked you to come in. Hank, one way or another,
your parents need to know Jonathan is gay. His rape is tearing him up
inside. He blames himself for it happening because, he says, 'They only did
it because I am gay.' We all know that is not true, but it is to Jonathan's
mind. He feels guilty as though he were the rapist. The fact that he is
being harassed at school exacerbates the problem since he takes to heart
the names he is being called. His rape certainly set some bad things in
motion and what has happened afterwards has made them worse but, underneath
it all, is his being gay and his thinking about what that means."

"As much as he hated it, the teaching he received while with The Circle of
God's Chosen did not just disappear when he was thrown out. What I fear is
he has pushed it all down deep inside and when it comes out, it comes out
as self-hatred and self-loathing."

"The result of his self-loathing? A CDC* study of youth suicide concluded
suicide was almost epidemic among young white men and almost half those who
take their lives are gay. Realizing that gay men represent about ten
percent of the population, you can see my fear. The boy's on a stronger
antidepressant and having an additional counseling session each week but,
in the meantime, we need to deal with the underlying cause, Jonathan's
self-loathing because he is gay. What do you suggest?"

Hank said he felt as though Dr. Alexander had dumped a load of bricks on
him. I'm sure the other three men in the room felt the same. I know I did.

Hank then questioned Jonathan's self-loathing. Dr. Alexander pointed out
that he talked about being dirty and not being able to get clean. She
reminded Hank, again, that Jonathan thought the names he was being called
by some at school were what he deserved. As she talked, all of us recalled
little things we hadn't noticed before. To be honest, we were all pretty
shaken by what Dr. Alexander said and what we had not been aware of. Hank
agreed to try to talk with Jonathan and, if possible, get him to agree to
talk with his parents.

At baseball practice the next day, while Jonathan was at bat, Hank grabbed
the three McElrath boys and told us Jonathan had been adamant in his
refusal to talk with his parents. He told Hank he knew they would throw him
out "like the trash I am." We discussed the situation off and on all during
practice--earning us a trimming down by the coach because we were not
playing well. But he did say he knew our hearts really weren't in the game
and that he, too, was worried about Jonathan. Anyway, we agreed that Hank
would come to our place after supper and bring Jonathan and we'd talk.

By the time we had done our chores and cleaned up for supper, we were all
more than a little tense. Grandmom noticed it at once and, after Granddad
had said grace, she asked, "What's up with you fellows? You're all as
nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs."

"It's Jonathan," Jason said. "Dr. Alexander called us in yesterday to talk
about him. She's really worried about his mental state."

We talked about the situation and, as we talked, some of the tension was
eased. Both grandparents said that with us and Hank watching out for
Jonathan, he was in good hands.

Wesley shook his head and said, "I'm not sure Jonathan would agree with
that." Needless to say, that didn't improve our confidence.

When Hank and Jonathan came, we all went upstairs. We were barely settled
when Hank said, "I have been trying to get Jonathan to talk with the
folks. I know it's pretty scary, but I also know they will not put him
out. He's as much a member of the family as I am."

"Hank, you know they would not approve of my being gay even if that was all
there was to it, but there's more," Jonathan said.

"More?" Wesley asked. "How more?"

"Wesley, don't pretend you don't know!" Jonathan said with more than a
little hint of anger. "You and everybody else in the world knows I had a
dick up my ass--two dicks, a dozen dicks--I don't know how many dicks."

Jonathan went on talking--ranting and raving was more like it--and several
things began to be clear. He was feeling guilty for having been "butt
fucked". As he talked about that, it was obvious he had decided he had
asked for it since he was gay and all gays do it. His ordeal--even though
he was unconscious--had left him feeling dirty. His description of the
feeling being "like I had fallen in an outhouse pit" was very vivid and
left no doubt of what he meant in saying he felt dirty.

Finally, his relationship with Cody was troubling him. Jonathan was
definitely in love with Cody and felt as though Cody might have loved him
if he hadn't been raped. "I expected my first time to have real sex..."

"Meaning?" Jason asked.

"You know, being fucked."

I saw Jason's eyebrow go up and knew this was a topic to be pursued at a
later date, but he said nothing.

"I feel like I have to walk on eggs to keep being friends with Cody. But I
don't deserve having a friend." Jonathan finally asked, "Why are you all
even bothering with me?"

The next half hour was spent trying to convince Jonathan that he was one of
us and a great guy. He wasn't buying it. Later Wesley pointed out we were
presenting a rational, logical argument to a completely illogical and
irrational situation, namely Jonathan's self-hatred.

After we had talked for an hour, I was pretty convinced Jonathan should
tell his parents he was gay, but would not. I understood. I had been very
frightened when Wesley was getting ready to tell Granddad he was gay, and
Granddad was not Hayden Dennison.

Mr. Dennison isn't a bad guy. As a matter of fact he has a heart of gold,
but he can get riled and when he does, he can sound pretty mean. And though
we all knew he'd not lay a hand on anyone, he did let a pretty violent
temper get out of control at times. Now he was very much on edge and still
having a hard time getting over Jonathan being kidnapped and raped. When he
really got worked up, he blamed it all on those "fags in Sadies Cove." When
he said something like that, Mrs. Dennison and Hank landed on him, but he
still made such remarks occasionally--or did until he made a similar
comment in front of Josh. Then the doo doo really hit the fan. Josh gave
him what for in no uncertain terms. Hank called it the the reformed
alcoholic syndrome. Still and all there was a definite possibility
Mr. Dennison'd go on a rampage if Jonathan told him he was gay.

Nothing was settled, but I think we at least made Jonathan realize that we
were in his corner and did not buy his opinion of himself and his
situation.

The next few days saw no real change in Jonathan. Additionally, he was
complaining about how his medicine made him feel disconnected. "Sometimes
it's like my body doesn't belong to me," he said.

In the meanwhile, we had put up new posters about the Coldsprings Tribe in
spite of the fact that we had had no response to our earlier
ones. Apparently, Mr. Duncan, the principal, had been advised about the
Tribe by Ms. Kennedy, since he had approved putting up the posters. The day
after the new posters went up, he saw a couple fellows deface one with a
magic marker, and gave them after-school detention and assigned them to
Andy. Andy said Mr. Duncan told him the boys liked to mess up things and
maybe they'd like cleaning up a few messes. "I had them cleaning the
toilets," he said with a wide smile and a wink.

Wesley was selected, again, to talk with Ms. Kennedy about Jonathan's
situation. She was glad he was getting help, but also was concerned about
his mental health. Wesley said he thought it would help if some of the real
assholes would lay off the name calling. Ms. Kennedy agreed, but pointed
out that nothing could be done unless a teacher heard such or Jonathan made
a report.

Wesley had been so worked up he didn't realize he had called those
harassing Jonathan assholes until he was ready to leave Ms. Kennedy's
office. Realizing what he had said, he apologized and Ms. Kennedy said
sometimes nice language was not enough, but she hoped Wesley didn't make as
habit of such talk.

It was only a couple days later when Jason, Hank and I rounded the corner
of the school and caught three overgrown sophomores pinning Jonathan to the
wall. They had pulled his pants half off and were making such remarks as,
"Bend over so I can get some of that boy pussy you pass around." As soon as
they saw us, they tried to run, but no such luck! We each grabbed one and
then told Jonathan to pull up his pants and come with us.

We hauled the three into the office and told Mr. Duncan what we had seen
and heard.

"You three have anything to say for yourselves?" he asked.

The three started to deny everything, but Mr. Duncan said, "Frankly, I
wouldn't believe you three on a stack of Bibles. This is the third time I
have seen you in my office for harassing your fellow students. Now you have
four people agreeing on what you were doing." He then turned to us and
said, "I'll need a write-up of what was happening. These three have just
finished the year at Coldsprings, I suspect."

Jonathan didn't want to write anything, saying they were only three and
getting them in trouble wouldn't make any difference since there were
plenty of others to keep up the harassment. Hank would not let him off the
hook, but he was correct. We continued to hear and see enough to know he
was still being harassed.

Over the weekend, Jonathan seemed to be better. I even saw an occasional
smile. Jason and Wesley commented on it as well. We all agreed it looked as
if Jonathan was coming out of the woods.

Monday afternoon, Jonathan begged off going to work saying he thought he
had a stomach virus. To tell the truth, he didn't look as if he was feeling
good.

Tom took the crew into town and I took Jonathan home. He still seemed a bit
happier even if he was feeling ill. When I suggested he stay at our place
until his family got home, he said he'd rather get home and get in his own
bed.

I dropped him off and decided I'd stop by the house on my way to
Asheville. When I walked in, Grandmom said, "You must be under a lucky
star. Professor Jamison called trying to locate you. He called the school,
but you had already gone. He wanted to know if we could get in touch with
you and I gave him your mobile number. He called back and said there was no
answer."

I didn't carry my mobile--they were not permitted in school although most
students had one. I left mine in the Jeep, but had neglected to plug it in
so the battery was dead. "He leave a message?"

"Yes, he has been called out of town and will not be able to see you this
week. He wants you to focus on the Beethoven."

I wasn't too happy about missing three lessons, since my solo performance
with the symphony was only three weeks away, but there was nothing I could
do about the situation.

Since I wasn't going to Asheville, I fixed myself a snack and sat and
talked with Grandmom, a treat since there was just the two of us. There
seemed to be no opportunity for the two of us just to talk any more. She
asked about my relationship with Jason.

I got all mushy trying to describe how much I loved Jason.

When I finished, she tried several ways to ask a question and finally just
laid it out plain, "You do love him then and it's not the sex..." her
raised eyebrow finishing her question.

I assured her I was more in love with Jason every day I lived, then added,
"But the sex ain't bad!" and blushed.

We talked a bit longer and then I said, "You know, I wonder if Jonathan
might not like to have just the two of us talk. Like you and I have been
doing. I wouldn't blame him if he felt we were all ganging up on him. Think
I'll go see."

When I reached the Dennisons' I just walked in. Unless the grown folks were
at home, we all just walked in and sometimes did when the adults were
home. It was like we really were one big family. I figured Jonathan had
gone to bed and if he was asleep, I'd just peep in and leave.

When I got upstairs, Jonathan was in bed, but he didn't look right. He
looked like he was asleep, but then he didn't. He looked as if he started
to get out of bed and fell, his head resting on the floor. As I approached
his bed, I saw he had vomited and he was practically lying in it. I was
frightened.

I lifted him back onto the bed and he barely stirred. As soon as I had him
in bed, I got a wash cloth from the bathroom and cleaned his face and then
started cleaning up the floor. As I did, I spied an empty bottle just under
the edge of his bed. I picked it up even as I felt sick at my stomach.

Sure enough, when I read the label I realized they were Jonathan's
antidepressant pills and he had, for sure, taken them all.

I didn't know what to do for him so I dialed 911. The operator told me to
try to get Jonathan awake and make sure his airway was clear. "An ambulance
is on the way as we speak," she said.

I couldn't get Jonathan awake, so I pretty much carried him downstairs. It
was like carrying a rag doll. It seemed like hours before the ambulance
arrived, but it was actually only twenty minutes.

The EMS crew started work on Jonathan and, at the same time, assured me he
would be ok. "Fortunately, the antidepressant he is on needs a huge dose to
have serious consequences. Also, for one reason or another, he vomited and
that got a lot of the drug out of his system, I suspect, an EMS nurse said.

Once the EMS crew took control, I was free to panic. I could feel the color
draining from my face and one of the crew, who was not working with
Jonathan, took me outside. She had me sit with my head between my legs,
saying she thought I was going to pass out.

The rest of the week was a kind of blur for all of us, I suspect. Jonathan
had no ill effects from his overdose. There was a lengthy discussion of
whether he should be sent to a psychiatric hospital and I was surprised
when even Dr. Alexander said she thought he'd do best at home IF he could
be watched. She did insist we all sit down and have a very frank and open
discussion of Jonathan's situation.

Jonathan still objected to telling his parents he was gay, but
Dr. Alexander put her foot down and said, "Jonathan, it's that or the funny
farm. This time I'm calling the shots."

She would not budge and Jonathan finally agreed to sit in on a discussion
of his sexuality, but said, "I'll be there, but I'm not talking."

Dr. Alexander thought it would be wise to meet with just Jonathan's family
and get the issue of his sexuality settled. After that, she suggested, the
whole extended family should get involved and finally she would deal with
the school staff.

Jonathan tried to balk again, but when he saw that wasn't going to work, he
asked if he could at least have me and Jason with him when his sexuality
was discussed by the Dennisons. Dr. Alexander asked and Mr. Dennison said,
"Anything he wants is fine if it'll help him."

When we were all seated in the hospital conference room, Dr. Alexander
said, "We're here because we love Jonathan. I think there's no question
about that. We'll get into how we are going about helping him over the very
rough patch he has been going through but, before we get to that, there's
an underlying issue we need to get out in the open. Jonathan?"

I was surprised that after all the fuss he put up, Jonathan looked up,
dropped his head and said, "I'm gay."

The younger crowd's mouths dropped open when Mr. Dennison said, calmly,
"I'm not, not that it's very important either one way or the other right
now."

Jonathan looked shocked, started crying and Mr. Dennison, who was sitting
next to him, reached over and pulled the boy to himself. Jonathan rested
his head on his dad's shoulder and wept.

When he was finally cried out, he hugged his dad again, sat down and said,
"Dad, I know you're disappointed, but I didn't choose to be gay, I just
am."

"Jonathan, I'll be honest," Mr. Dennison replied, "I wish you were
straight, I really do. Most of that, now, is because I know some of how you
are going to suffer because you're gay. And, to be honest, a part of it is
because I think being gay is wrong... no, that's not right. I guess I've
heard that it's sinful long enough to where that's a part of my
thinking. I'm working on it after I met Brad and Jeremy. But you're my boy
and that's the solid rock bottom and nothing you are or have done or will
do is going to change that."

Jonathan had another good cry and then he told his story from the time he
had been beaten and left to die. As he spoke, I could see a change coming
over him.

When he finished, he said he was glad that was over, and we were all a
great deal more at ease. I suspect we would all have said there was no more
problem, but Dr. Alexander was quick to remind us that Jonathan had a lot
of work ahead of him, but he definitely had taken a major first step.

The next couple weeks saw a daily change for the better in Jonathan. He got
on top of his school work quickly and became better than before on the ball
field. He and Cody seemed to be enjoying each other's company and Jason,
Wesley and I were more convinced than ever that Cody was gay.

Shortly after the meeting with Dr. Alexander, we started getting e-mail
sent to the Coldsprings Tribe. At first it was kinda requests for advise to
the lovelorn, most of which was obviously a prank, but at least it was a
start.

Jonathan hadn't mentioned being harassed since he came back to school so we
all assumed that, too, had passed. We were wrong.

Seems the three guys who had Jonathan pinned didn't get suspended for the
rest of the year after all. One of their fathers was a lawyer in
Clarksville and ended up challenging the suspension. It ended up in court
and the judge had branded their harassment "just a little teenage name
calling" and ordered them readmitted to school. "They have been out of
school two weeks and that's punishment enough," he decreed.

Just as Wesley, Jason and I were walking into the cafeteria for lunch, we
saw the three pass Jonathan who was sitting at our usual table. They said
something and when they did, Jonathan leapt to his feet and shouted, "I
have had enough from you and your crowd of assholes!" He climbed on the
table and shouted again, "Hey! Everyone! I have had enough!"

"I am picked on every day in school. Yes, I am gay. I am what you have been
calling me. I am a fag, queer, homo and all those other things. I am what I
am because I was born this way. If any of you can change that for me, so
that I can be like you, then please do. If you can't do that for me, then
please just leave me alone."**

The cafeteria had gotten quiet when Jonathan climbed on the table and
shouted, but when he finished his short speech even my breathing sounded
loud. That lasted for a few seconds and then Janie and Sandra stood and
started applauding slowly. Soon other students were joining them and the
applause took on a rhythm as it grew louder and louder. Finally at least
half the school was standing and applauding.

I glanced toward the faculty table to see how the faculty was
responding. Just as I looked, I saw Ms. Kennedy stand. She was soon joined
by other faculty members. There were some still seated, but not many, when
the baseball coach, the only coach taking part, stood and yelled above the
applause, "Way to go, Hoss!"

That provoked other cheers and the applause grew louder as some students
started whistling.

I was very, very proud of Jonathan and so were his other brothers. Hank was
patting him on the back and Cody threw his arms around his friend and in
front of the whole school, kissed Jonathan full on the mouth. Jonathan was,
of course, shocked, but I think he might have got in a little tongue, "like
Hank does with Beth."

I am sure we all thought the crisis was over and all was well with
Jonathan, but time would prove otherwise.

One result of Jonathan's speech was a flood of e-mail to the Coldsprings
Tribe. I was not surprised when about half of it was filled with homophobic
nonsense. Maybe a fourth of it wanted to know who we were so the writer
could help us find Jesus and get saved. We let Wesley answer those and was
pleased that he did so without too much rancor.

We did a form response to the homophobic ones stating that we had neither
time nor desire to respond beyond acknowledging we had received the e-mail.

Most of the other e-mails poured out the writer's story of feeling isolated
and alone and all praised Jonathan's courage.

Jonathan was doing well, but his relationship with Cody proved to be a real
monkey wrench in the works. After the kiss in the cafeteria, Jonathan
assumed his relationship to Cody was on an entirely different level. The
first blow to his perception of their new relationship came when Cody told
him he only kissed him to show him how proud he was of his friend. "It
didn't mean anything except that and I'm NOT gay," he said.

For his own sanity Jonathan told Cody they couldn't just be friends. "Cody,
I'm sorry. I wish we could be just friends, but we can't. I keep getting
mixed messages from you and it keeps me on an emotional roller coaster. I'm
still not all together from what happened to me. I guess my speech makes it
seem like I am on top of it, but I am not. Until I am more stable and sure
of myself, we'll just have to each go our own way."

Life definitely became easier for Jonathan after his speech and deciding to
just break off his relationship with Cody helped. Of course he was hurt by
having to break up his friendship--he couldn't just turn off his love for
Cody like he was turning off a light. Nonetheless, finally admitting that
he was in love with his riend and couldn't not be in love with him, gave
him a great sadness, but also the freedom and courage he needed to move on
with his life. Yes, life was definitely easier and it showed in his school
work and his baseball. But easier was not easy and gradually it looked as
if he'd slip back into depression.

One evening when we had finished our homework and were sitting n our den,
Jason and Wesley playing guitar, they stopped and Jason said, "Stone talked
with us today about Jonathan. Seems Stone was still at work when Jonathan
came in to clean his office earlier this week, and when he asked Jonathan
how things were going, our Hoss fell apart. He and Jonathan talked for
about a half hour. Stone told us he was worried about Jonathan and wanted
to know what was being done to help him."

"We told him Jonathan was seeing his therapist twice a week and was still
on antidepressants," Wesley said. "He wanted to know what steps were being
taken to make sure he didn't overdose and we told him Mrs. Dennison kept
his medicine and doled it out to him. We told him we were worried Jonathan
was on the slope back into depression but, since he was still on his drugs
and seeing his counselor twice a week, we had no ideas about what else
could be done."

"He said he didn't want to say any more about it until he checked something
out, but he thought Wes Bushyhead might be able to recommend
something. Said he'd let us know something in the next day or so," Jason
said. "I sure hope so."

"Agreed," Wesley said.

"And I make three," I said.

Wesley had checked the Coldsprings Tribe's mailbox earlier and said we had
to get a form response for "those good Christians who are out to save our
souls. They are writing more than the homophobes these days."

We finally agreed to do a form response which said, "We are all baptized
Christians who are in church every Sunday. We are very confident in our
salvation, but thank you for your interest and prayers." Wesley typed the
response and put it in our enhanced clipboard so all we had to do was hit
"Reply" and then a hot key and the message was ready to send. We were all
proud of the fact that we had gotten all the flippant and sharp answers out
of our systems before composing the response. We came up with the final
version after Jason said, "I think they are misguided and wrong, but those
people mean well."

Before we headed for bed, Wesley checked the Tribe's account one last time
and downloaded a couple of bombshells.

The first e-mail started with, "I hope you can help me. I don't want to be
gay and I know I'm not. But my best friend has broke up with me and I am
going crazy. If I was gay I could understand how I feel, but I can't since
I'm not. I love my best friend sooo much, but he barely speaks to me. He
says I'm very confused and he has too much on his mind to try to find out
what I mean when I do things. Sometimes I hurt so much I don't want to go
on. What can I do?" The email was signed "A Coldsprings Freshman."

Wesley said, "Any guesses as to who wrote that? You get three and the first
two don't count."

"Ok, I'm sure we all think Cody wrote that, but we can't be sure. But even
if we were sure, we can't let on. We have to have people trust us and if we
go guessing, even if we're right, the whole program is doomed," I
said. "But I do think that letter's from Cody. Who's going to respond?"

"I'll get to work on it," Jason said as he sat down at the other computer.

"Ok," Wesley said as he turned back to the computer and downloaded another
e-mail. As soon as he had opened it, he said, "Good golly, Miss Molly. I
may be wrong, but this kid sounds like Jonathan."

Wesley then read the e-mail aloud. "Hi, I hope you can help me. I'm gay and
I have been raped. That makes me feel bad a lot of the ime. I thought I was
getting over it, but I guess I'm not..."

"It's Jonathan all right," Wesley said after the writer described a speech
he made in the cafeteria and then added, "People are leaving me alone, but
I still feel very sad most of the time. I broke up with my best friend
because he keeps doing things like kissing me. I like it, but then he says
he's not gay and all."

The e-mail went on at length, but it contained nothing we didn't know until
the last paragraph. That read, "My family loves me and I have four big
brothers--well, they're not really my brothers, but they are. They all try
to help, but nothing seems to work. I just want to stop hurting."

"Red alert. We know Jonathan has tried to stop the hurting before. But we
can't confront him," I reminded them. "The Coldsprings Tribe must keep its
promise to reveal neither who we are nor any communications we have from
our readers, without expressed permission. We break trust and we may as
well fold up shop."

"But do we keep silent and just ignore what Jonathan may be thinking about
doing?" Wesley asked.

"I think we are once again caught on the horns of that bull named dilemma,"
Jason said.

"Yeah," was all I could say, and got a sinking feeling in the pit of my
stomach.

"You two go on to bed and I 'll take care of these e-mails if you trust
me," Wesley volunteered.

We quickly took him up on his offer.


**********************************************************
*Center for Disease Control (CDC), a federal government agency which
studies diseases, causes of death, and has major concern for epidemics. It
studied teen suicide as an epidemic among youth.

** This paragraph is a verbatim, with the exception of the omission of a
phrase about his bus, of the speech given by Aaron of The Mail Crew and is
used with his permission. You may read the speech and its context from the
Mail Crew website at http://www.themailcrew.com/bus.html. A special thanks
to Aaron for permission to use his speech.